ginger_reckoning

Thanks @Sarah B! Ha, whoops. That would be cool, but they are not. I will change the wording. For this reason, I am defientely going to be toning it down a bit. It seems like its mostly not landing how I thought it would, and the fact that it sounds identical to J is a problem. I think I'll follow @kais and @Mandamon's advice and just cut that first section altogether. Thanks!

Welcome back! Some overall notes on the chapters: These chapters added to the intrigue in a big way, so that was very exciting! I have only read a few chapters of this book, so I don't know if this is normal or not for the tone you've established, but it seems like most of the book is done in a third person limited perspective. The beginning of this segment was done in what seems like a third person omniscient voice, which kind of threw me off. I did like the details in that part (the leap year thing seemed a lot like the running of the bulls in a fun way) and there was some important stuff about the time passing, but it definitely read like a lot of "telling" or like in LOTR when Tolkien just goes on a long thing about the customs of hobbits. Interesting, but kind of bogs down the pace IMO. Is there another way to present this information of time passing? One that is more directly involved in a character's perspective? Another thing that bothers me, but is a little hard to put into words, is the BK. He seems to think that he has a reputation for fairness and being a good leader, but that is at a stark contrast to what Ir and the others seem to view him. (with all the emphasis on the violent takeover he apparently did) So I am a little confused about this. It could be what you're going for, to show the difference between his self-percieved notions and the opinions of others, and to be honest I don't know much about his characterization, so I won't harp on it too much. Related to that, I think someone mentioned earlier about him allowing people to speak their minds about him, but not liking protests. In this chapter, we see the pamphlets have apparetnly upset his plans in a big way. I don't think he should be surprised by this if he allows free speech and criticism. (Especially since it seems like he really doesn't want to be overthrown, and criticism is usually the first step of revolution. (Especially against someone as violent and tyrannical as he apparently is)) These chapters seemed like a very important plot point, and it raises a lot of interesting questions, like how did they get the information on BK, and who are they, even? Why does the world need to evolve? Does it have to do with the fae escaping, or something else? So it was very intruiging to read. I liked the mudraker pamphlet lol Also, I don't think anyone would think it was weird if she cried while cutting a bunch of onions And quick question: Is she burned by iron? Like, magically? Or did I just misunderstand that? I forgot to make notes as I went, sorry about that. I did notice a few small grammatical errors, but I'm sure others will catch them. I'll reread sometime this week and edit this post with the things I notice.

Thanks @kais yikes, that is definitely something I'll change for the next rewrite. Racism is the opposite of what i'm going for. I think stakes are going to be a recurring thing I need to work on...the joys of writing Thanks!

I haven't ever considered this... would it be too confusing to not know who the woman was? That's why I like feedback like this. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again for all of the responses this week. Here is chapter one, in which we meet the MC. The book will be split into three acts, each preceded by a quote from an in-world text called the "Words of Boz" which is why that is in there. I'm also including the summary notes, which includes the maps, a magic-system chart, and a short synopsis. Hopefully those are helpful. Thanks!

Can I have a slot for oct. 5th please?

Ok, weird theory, but what if the Dawnshards are the unmade? They were unmade to become evil spren. And the one that is different is the sibling?

Thanks @ima willshaper, and welcome to reading excuses! This is actually just my second week, so we have being new in common XD. The anachronistic dialogue is a style I'm trying out with this story....hopefully it becomes less jarring as it progresses I can see what you mean. Yeah, she is not a ghost right here haha Very helpful!

Sweet! That's good to hear! That's because it is. @Snakenapsmentioned in the last thread that I should try to mention skin color to combat white default, but I guess this comes off as clunky Hahaha the classic blunder. I'll try to fix this sweet!

Well, ladies and non-ladies, after one very hefty rewrite, here is the new and (hopefully) improved prologue! Thanks so much for all of your critiques last week, I tried to incorporate as many as I could. Here are the patch notes: Anyway, eager to hear what you think. Also, another note is that I originally took out Al’s pov but then changed my mind and brought it back. (which is why this is v3 and not v2) Does it work? If not, I’ll most likely cut it. Also, a point of this draft is to make you sympathetic to J but not G. Mission accomplished? Thanks!

Haha, this was a very fun critique to read! I think this will become more apparent as the book progresses, but there are only, like, 2 white people in this story. I don't think G would be seen as black, but definitely a POC. Alabaster actually is black tho. I don't think that ever came up. Haha, I love this metaphor. I'm glad you like J! Unfortunately, it'll be a while before we see him again. So I guess I yanked the brownies away *chuckles nervously* it's a good thing the MC is 19 then haha

Hello! Can I have a slot for the 28th please?

Thanks for the response! Those are all super good critiques, and I will probably incorporate most of them into the next draft. I just have one question: This was on purpose. Is it too distracting? And one comment: You're not entirely wrong! I'm surprised/glad you picked up on this.

Yikes, that sounds difficult. Many crayola prayers coming your way!

Thanks for the response! haha, thanks! that's fair. It seems like most critiques are based around lack of stakes and too much info dumping. I am definitely going to be reworking that in the next draft. Just a fun little note, I've already cut out two (!) pages of extraneous fluff. That's the heart of my struggle. A part of me says that society tends to misogyny, so misgendering them as male would make sense, another part of me thinks a religion led by genderless gods would be more open-minded. I'm torn. (And I still can't think of anything with the same guardian connotations that sounds good) oh my goodness, thank you for pointing that out! I reread it, and you are totally right.

I've never seen one piece, but I'll take it as a compliment! Thanks!

@aeromancerthanks, that is actually super helpful!

Though this could just be because I have read it before, I thought this draft was much easier to understand overall. I liked still like the tone, and the mysterious world. Overall, an improvement. pg. 1-2 I noticed a few subtle changes to the prose. I think it makes it a lot easier to understand. pg 4 his coughing and inability to go forward seems more on-purpose this time around. Pg 4. "without a child's malice..." I am also a bit confused by this sentence. pg. 5 the encounter with the ghost is still not my favorite, but it is a lot clearer this time around. I like the gothic flavor it adds. pg. 6 the encounter with the jackalope is more related to the other events, and the emotional connection with D is good. pg. 8 I like the break in the pattern of the rhyme pg. 10 "her hand brushed" again, I really like the greater emotional connection with D pg. 11 repeats the word frost in reference to the ghosts. pg. 14 was S threatening to kill herself in the first draft? it's an interesting addition. pg. 16 the detail with the creature grabbing her is much clearer pg. 17 is the J really O?

Thanks, I did not realize this. I guess I do need to establish their political background and power. The thought is that they are reincarnating demigods that used to hold absolute power, but are kind of phasing out. whoops ok, so I have a question about this. Physics isn't my strong suit, but an endothermic reaction draws heat into it, right? So is that a correct term for what's going on here? Would there be a better term? Pyrokinesis is supposed to be the power's opposite, in which someone transmits heat from their own body instead of drawing it in. I guess I need to explain that better. that pattern was the plan, but as you pointed out, GP relied too much on its strength-sapping aspect...the rewrite is going to be fun.

Thanks for the response! Yes, in fact these characters will not be seen for a while, so I think I will keep it as a prologue. The main point of this chapter was to introduce the main antagonist (aka the Chaos) and to introduce the magic system and politics. I can see how this would get very boring though, lol. I'll probably do another pass on this chapter to trim info dumping and streamline the action/character tension a bit. Yeah, for these reasons I will probably age him up a bit. There were meta reasons why I wanted him to be 11 yo, but I think his character would make more sense as a young teen. I was trying to make it seem like he was interested because he wanted to set G up, but I can see how that didn't come across. That's just a typo. Supposed to say she. good The Fathers are actually genderless, so their pronouns are projected onto them. I considered using "parents" at first, but didn't like the way that sounded. Maybe I'll go back. Lol, I love SA, but when I read it the first time I was like "crap!" because of how similar it was to the SG in my story. I'm trying to kind of make it different by emphasizing the divinity of the fathers, but we'll see. noted. I'll see what I can trim.

Hello everybody! This is my first week submitting on Reading Excuses, so I feel very honored that you would take time out of your busy schedule to read my stuff. By way of introduction, I wrote the first draft for this book back in 2015. I got about a third of the way in before I decided that my current skill level was not doing the idea justice, so I decided to work on my skills before continuing. Anyway, 5 years later, I decided to just rewrite the whole thing from the beginning. So I am very excited to be putting this out there! The working title is "A Light in the Chaos" though I'm not in love with that title (as it sounds like a self-help book) so it will probably change at some point. Included is the prologue, as well as a map I drew on photoshop for reference. I am not looking for critiques on the map. Content tags: Mild violence, Protesting. I understand protests are kind of a hot topic right now, but please understand that I am in no way making any connection whatsoever to any modern group that exists. My main concern for this chapter is that it takes too long to get to the "hook". Critiques along that line would be appreciated. (I also have other questions that I will include in the spoiler box, for after the reading.) Thank you so much!

Hi! Can I please have a slot to submit on mon Sept. 21?

@Snakenapsthat is a very impressive webstie! I really like the artwork

Hi! This is my first week here on writing excuses, so I just have to say that I really like your style! It is very clear for the most part, and the emotion comes through well. It also kind of reminds me of Narnia, with the talking animals and such. Some general thoughts: Nice worldbuilding with the musical rain things. It seems like it would be very pleasant. The whole concert sequence was emotionally authentic, I believed that she was actually experiencing stage fright. However, even though I liked it, I feel as if her freaking out on three separate occasions was a bit redundant. It did pay off nicely at the end though, with her twirling. I thought it was actually quite rude of her to invite all of her friends when she knew they couldn't come, and mainly wanted J to come over. Having her siblings come over for a surprise visit actually wasn't all that surprising. (Especially since we see them at home with her the chapter before) The awkward "not-political" conversation at her house was very relatable, lol. While reading: pg 2: "the musicians fired..." repeats the word 'incompetence' I like the description of her parents pg. 4 "pockets to hide..." i think removing the word 'in' makes the sentence flow better. pg. 7 "like a wooden puppet..." who is like the wooden puppet here? I or J? All of the rain imagery is cool. I like the hanging beads a lot. pg. 11 Having a chapter break here seemed odd to me. Maybe after she invites J? pg. 13 "Weird dead sea creature" seems a bit clunky to me. pg. 20 Slamming seemed a bit harsh of a word for me at first, but after reading a bit longer, it made more sense. pg. 22 Oh No! the date didn't end well

I really liked this story. Though it was a little hard at the beginning to get into, I got more immersed as I went on. By the end, I was fully hooked. As far as atmosphere and mood, it was very ponderous and melancholy, and in some cases frightening. In some parts, the series of 'vignettes' of their journey reminded me of Moby Dick, though much less verbose. You claim that there is a lack of characterization, but I actually thought you did that quite well through what interactions we saw between the characters. Generally I liked the language, though there were a few cases where it was difficult to read. pg.1 "He sat her down..." there's a few sentences in these first paragraphs that seem a bit run-on to me. Just a little confusing to read. pg. 2 "When he asked her..." I just liked this sentence pg. 3 "Nature's agonizing call..." agonizing? Does he have a kidney stone? pg. 3 "He knew the sky was always this gray was because..." I think it works better without the second 'was'. pg. 6 "they saw the abyss..." I assume that's a tornado? I really like the vague description, actually pg. 9 "...scattered herself..." I actually like this description of the suicide, doesn't go into too much detail. Pg. 10 "she needed to" Nice pg. 13 "entropy bristling..." Nice pg. 15 "a steel plate..." that's terrifying. I love it. pg. 16 "they piloted..." took me a second to realize that "they" were the ghosts and the "meat" was O. Overall I Really liked it! If i had any other questions, I'd say I'm curious about the ghosts, and what the monster is.