ginger_reckoning

I feel like I’m starting to get a better sense of the vision of this book, trying to win over people one by one,which is great since I think plays to your strengths as a writer, but to me it feels like new characters are kind of just introduced before joining their side. I think I need a better sense of progression and to know who people are beforehand a little, or at least be aware of them. Overall though I think the conversation with S was good, entertaining, and I like how it made A rethink things Sub 6 “Shouldn’t have pushed” well this is certainly a sentence I have ever read haha. I say keep it, though maybe replace fix with “function in society” or something because I think that’s a slightly different assumption than fixing completely (which i don’t think she’s achieved, and I don’t think she would think so either.) idk not a huge deal “Rock the airship” so they don’t have boats at all anymore? Just want to say I love A characterization haha, I think she definitely does think of people in unflattering ways a lot of the time, so it’s interesting to see her trying to be a little nicer Do I sense a Hyperion reference with S? Or just to the actual bird I think the oral conversation goes on just a beat too long, imo. I’d personally end it after “s grin widens” and then go to the next topic but that’s just me Okay never thought I would like a character called p*ssy estr but here we are haha

Sub 5 Sorry, decided not to do like so I can catch up a little quicker. Personally with this chapter i think the intimate scene at the end was the main point of the sub and the main turning point. It’s kind of a messed up situation but I think it’s mostly handled pretty well. Though again, I think it’s will benefit from having more of a sense of what their relationship was like before A became T. It does become a little dicey when discussing how he basically mind controlled people to give him sexual favors though. I know he was a teen but I don’t think that gets him entirely off the hook. I still get the sense that it is affecting A which is making aer do this. Also it read to me a little like A buys into the gender essentialism the device operates on which may not be intentional, but that’s just me. That being said I think it was a well written scene and I think A handled the situation pretty well. The thing with the sheet is an interesting workaround, and I like how it’s a little awkward but still sweet.

This section is definitely more contemplative. I like the themes of teenage doomerism, and I think its very topical haha. I also think its a very intriguing conflict. Still, this is like the third scene of watching and commenting on people's memories. I don't think its bad in and of itself, but I feel like its missing some kind of concrete progression. Yes, they are getting her on their side, but in what ways will that change the situation? Dusk sub 4 “Center turned to liquid” interesting, but would not the pressure make it solid again? Idk this is literally the smallest gripe ever Reading this on mobile so I don’t have page numbers, sorry. “Either the beautifying” – “the” is extraneous here “By walks around the school” by walking around the school? “Suffer’s Lu’s face” suffers L’s fate, I think. “Looks between the two of us” hmm, this is interesting. I wonder if she knows more about the situation than she’s letting on “Little cottage in the words” in the woods “Sibling lore” lol I like the conversation towards the end of the chapter

As for focus, I feel like it all depends on how long this story is; for being around 50k, I think this is about right, though I hope A has more of an active plan soon. Ae has been reacting a lot, which is not necessarily bad, but I hope A starts actually being proactive in the next few chapters. Maybe trying to get K on their side? Or experiments with changing reality just to see if she can? Overall, the writing and dialogue was solid, not much other than my lbls Dusk sub 3 “Telekinetic blast realization” this phrase has officially been noticed. I think there was another reference pretty close, and a few in the end of the last sub. “Repeat that S did” should be “what” I think “From the military thoughts” the phrase miltary thoughts doesn’t seem right to me. Maybe militaristic thinking? Or, just cut the phrase altogether so it just says “its using one of the oldest strategies” So how does T know all this stuff? Did she just logic it out? “Too dangerous to show” This is an interesting conclusion to come to, my first though was that P was trying not to aggravate aer since ae could potentially be a lot more powerful than the others. But this makes more sense I think “None of us believed the world will get better” very topical haha “Twenty-nine days” wait, what happens in twenty-nine days? Possibly WRS “Odor suppressants” lol. I’m also starting to like her “Then it clicks for me” the next lines of dialogue don’t say who’s talking for a few sentences so I thought it was A at first, and had to go back and reread when I learned it was T “Target on your exoskeleton” I think this is the first time exoskeletons are mentioned so it might be a little jarring for new readers not knowing that its a technology and they’re not like, bug people haha. I think target on your back would survive as a saying but that’s just me. I think the next paragraph where they talk about summoning exoskeletons is a better first mention of the idea, imo “You had power over us” that was what I was thinking too. Interesting conflict between proving them right and actually getting stuff done. This game sounds fun Me when the yearning is so strong and all I have is dodgeball I like K

Dusk sub 2 Pg 1 “that I don’t trust him to see” personally I would separate this into a new sentence, cutting “that” and starting with “I don’t” “With curious eyes” I would add “and with” instead of just with “Are there shelters” I like this exchange “Loved who chose” needs a comma I think “Becoming like me is worse” I like this even though I don’t completely understand the mechanics at play here haha. Overall this chapter was really good! But like I said before, reads more like a middle chapter than one close to the beginning. A little more context and this will be awesome “Desperate to be serve” I think “be” should be cut The flashback is quite shocking, and I really like the scene afterwards, the consoling one Ae says ae wants to win people over, but why exactly? To do what, just have them all vote to leave? Why exactly? I don’t have a clear grasp of aer goals. For the same reasons, the death earlier was not as impactful as it could have been, I think I’m also a little confused about S. Is he just really attractive or does he have like seduction powers or something? Overall pretty solid! I like how the factions are already shaping up. Like I said though, I think I need a slightly better grasp of goals and stakes here.

I like the concept of this one! I thought that scene-by-scene it was pretty good too. However, i think this would benefit greatly from having a chapter of "status quo" before realizing P is dead and they are all in a limbo like state to more firmly establish the relationships of the characters, what being T means, what C is, et cetera, because right now this feels like I was dropped more in the middle of a story, and if I didn't already know what C water, p glass et al is, I would be very confused I think. Maybe more of a scene with the narrator ntoicing strange things happening before coming to a conclusion would be good. Also I noticed my LBLs stop at the end of chatper 1 but I did read the whole submission haha Dusk 1 Pg1 “Women come from girls. But after we…” I don’t really see how this sentence follows formt he one before it. The prologue is fine, but it’s very vague and confusing. It seems like it will probably be a while before any of it makes sense. I think it almost has a little too much detail though? In a weird way, the detail is what makes it more confusing. Like there’s enough detail here that the narrator is obviously talking about something important, but there are a lot of proper nouns that I don’t know. I would recommend focusing more on the emotion here Pg 2 “My mother P…” This is an incomplete sentence. I think it’s supposed to read “The fact that my mother P…” “It works, mostly” I would change to “succeeds” since the word “work” was just used with a different meaning. “Proverbial shaper controlling” I don’t know what proverb this is referencing Pg 6 Not sure what your intentions are for this, but so far there is a lot of jargon specific to this setting. Since I have read your other stuff in this same setting I can follow it but for someone who hasn’t, it might be a lot to learn in the course of a few pages End of chapter 1 This is an interesting conflict, and I like that they don’t waste a ton of time denying their circumstances. I do feel like a little bit more context is probably needed, though

Good to see you back! I think this is much improved from the first draft. I like having a little more context to J's situation, and I can tell I am already going to be more connected to the stroyline with M and his mom. Also introducing K first, if brief, was also good. I think the beginning characterization of the doppleganger is a lot better too. Overall, great work. Just mainly had my little notes below. Labyrinth draft 2 sub 1 Pg 1 Wow, the first two paragraphs are very strong! I’m excited, it seems like there have been some good changes. Pg 3 “little college town” maybe say the name of the town too? Even if he’s new I think he would know the name of the town “That her friend V can get” mentioning V here (introducing her ig) muddles the sentence I think, and it can be established later and more effectively that they are friends imo without distracting from the main point of this sentence, that J likes her hair and voice. “What sounds like the hum” I would just say “I hear the hum” “Like a mother’s” nice, and I like the foreshadowing Ohh, nice I like the introduction of this mysterious character a lot Pg 6 Personally I would like a little bit more sensory description of what its like in the labyrinth when he first appears there, in the first paragraph or so, since this is the first time seeing the mind place or anything truly supernatural and it’s a pretty bewildering place. Stuff like the sounds of lots of pigeons cooing, or the rattling of the cages, or the smell and white poop stains or strange lack thereof. A little more on what a labyrinth of birdcages actually means haha “I’ll blame math” lol “Couldn’t stand wearing it” oof, that hurts Pg 11 btw I think this is the first time J’s name is mentioned. Probably should have someone mention it a little earlier I also think that J should question what the doppleganger is a little more. Doesn’t have to be a ton because I appreciate not lingering on the “what is happening????” aspect but a little more questioning would be realistic I think

Congrats on finishing another book! My main points on this submission are that I would like to see a little more mention of how they are dealing with being vampires a year in, such as how they deal with wanting blood, going out at day, and the fact they will be teenagers forever. Also, while K can be characterized as callous, I think just a little bit more of a hint of loss would make her more relatable. Overall, as I have said before, I think this book could benefit from having P's viewpoint earlier on. I also think it could benefit from a scene from the viewpoint of J's brother earlier on so we can see how life is like as a vampire and get a better sense of the threat from the original gang of vampires. I really like the themes of this book and how it ties supernatural creatures into colonial conversations. Again, congrats! I'm glad I got to read this. pg 3 "thrown away at his lowest point" thrown away by whom? I get the sentiment, presumably having his life ruined, but would maybe change it since I didn't get the sense G was going to kick him out or soemthing. Also, personally I would simplify this sentence by just saying something along the lines of "because the american healthcare system sucks" or something along those lines. I think including voters kind of muddies the sentence a little "B's been helping he" helping her? pg 5 "lack of body heat" can vampires get hypothermia? Interesting, but I don't think has been brought up before as a potential danger I like the flower scene and it's very in character for both of them. "for every step they take" I think this last line might be more powerful if it just ends on "bleed"

Sorry this took so long to get out! I don't have many overarching notes on this submission. I have a lot of notes below that are mostly critiques but overall I thought this submission was good! It seems about the right length for falling action, so I will admit I am a little skeptical about there being more chapters. I guess I will see when I read the next one! Good work! Sub 17 “He’s from a less powerful culture” I think it would be better to just point out the fact that she was being racist before. Like the way this is worded makes it seem like she expects her reaction to be natural based on the fact he’s asian, rather than that being a failing on her part That being said I like her seeing G in a new light here Pg 5 “Work out forever when people change” I would cut “when people change” Pg 8 I still wonder what will happen since the paramedics saw the tunnels Also, can J still transform or is that overwritten by being a vampire now? Pg 10 “Especially now that it’s not easy” this sentence confused me a little at first. I think it might be a little easier to understand if instead of “especially” it’s “even though”, since I feel like the statement is a little contradictory “And honestly, even those” I think this is probably J continuing but it’s not super clear since there was a pause. Might be nice to have just a little dialogue tag somewhere here “Surive to resist” I like this line Pg 12 So like are B, N, and P giving like powerpoint presentations? A little confused here, especially since I never really got a read on any of them as being comfortable with public speaking. Also when did they have time to prepare this? This is not super huge, but I did notice it. W debriefing about what happened makes a little bit more sense to me. Pg 13 “Exactly like she and J planned” this makes it sound like she planned for her stepdad to be killed “Last up is me” I would rather see how this actually plays out instead of a summary, personally “B jokes” again, I would rather see the dialogue of this Pg 14 “should be blushing” I think “would” would be better here Over an hour??? I know they’re teens but got dang

As others said, I thought the part with her gloating over her mom was a little much, and read as a little sadistic. I'm not saying that wanting to hurt her mom for what she did to her is not a valid reaction to have, but I think if it's just toned down a little it will work better. Other than that, I thought this was a pretty good section, though I think the part after she gets healed could be tightened a little. Overall though, some pretty emotional scenes here. I think if the wording is strengthened in some of the more emotional bits it could really stand out! Sub 16 “To really hurt my mother” this and her grinning later down really give the sense that she’s taking pleasure from this, which kind of paints her in more of a sadistic light than she’s been in through the story. It could definitely be the case for a character in this situation, but it doesn’t seem really in K’s character to me. I imagine she would be more cold, calculated,, maybe inwardly taking pleasure at the exchange, but also recognizing the seriousness of the situation, based on how she’s acted before. Idk though, that’s just my suggestion That being said, I really appreciate the comparison to a weapon here, and the sentiments here about your intentions not mattering when you’re part of the death machine. “Let the world forget you” I still think she would have at least a little regret and disappointment here, even with the anger and betrayal she feels from her mother, she still fantasized about living with her for a long time and that wouldn’t just disappear, I don’t think. Idk, maybe we will see more later The part with P and B is nice and sweet, no notes Pg 5 “It’s important we know who and what she is” Can’t exactly pinpoint why but this line stands out to me as being odd to say while she is disintegrating. I think it’s possibly because I feel like it hits the nail on the head too obviously, with regards to this theme? Like she already called her mom out and now the book is emphasizing it even more? Especially since they don’t have a lot of time and every word counts. So I think it woul read a little bit better to cut out that particular phrase so it just reads “I’m glad you did. I couldn’t say what you did better myself. But now she’s gone so don’t worry about her, quick let’s kiss before you die etc etc” “More a request” I like this “Theoretically compel” toss “theoretically” imo. Otherwise, I like this paragraph “Then don’t” very nice (Btw i’m listening to 80’s romantic vaporwave while writing these and I feel like it’s a great fit for this scene haha) “Can’t bestow the experience” Okay, so my first impulse was that this paragraph seemed a little clinical, but I like the idea it’s getting across. I think it could use a little more emphasis on the fact of the tragedy of all the years they won’t get to have, rather than the fact they lack experience in the now, which is mostly what is getting emphasized rn imo “Patch of glittering gold” I like the image this is conjuring Pg 8 “how touching” eh, I don’t love this line, I feel like the sarcasm undercuts the sincere feelings in this scene, but that’s just me Didn’t B and N tell J about the ritual they were going to do? I feel like that’s where my brain would go if I were J Some of this conversation reads a little awkwardly I can’t tell if them keeping calling themselves vampires is supposed to be dramatic irony or if the ritual just healed the wound she got. Is it that she’s human again but J is stuck a vampire? “Starting on the same foot” This line is fine, but I think you could do something stronger

Cool climax! I'm hoping to see K have some emotional consequences from killing her own mom, since I think that would be a big deal even if they didn't have a great realtionship. Overall though, solid submission! Sub 15 “This time, the way K walked…” Again, just saying how I would structure it so take this with a grain of salt, but I would structure this sentence so its “But the way K walked…burned into my brain, and I don’t think we’ll be able to look back…even if we can cure her…” I just think it would read a little easier this way “That has to be worth one or two” I think this is supposed to be how he feels like he’s repaying her, but as it’s written it sounds more like he’s bargaining, saying if he saves her she will have to protect him. I would write “If I save her…maybe that will pay her back for…” “Gay little bastards” lol, the way this is phrased makes it sound like they aren’t already gay little bastards /:P “The same control she’s using against us” I think you can just say “put her under control” “Let me kill them” interesting, I wonder where she is going with this I will say her arguments for wanting to kill them are a little flimsy, but maybe if she focused a little more on wanting to be like her mom it might make sense. I guess her real motive was to get her mom to use the scanner on her, but still, if I were C I would think the argument was sus Pg 12 “Take actions that will bring me harm” Well, she did know that stabbing her with a stake would do harm, right? Again I’m a little confused how these commands work

I was really unclear why her mom had her walk to town and then back, and unfortunatley I don't think the dramtic irony of her not immediately realizing she's a vampire lands here. Having finished the chapter, I think that her mom's plan was to get her to lure her friends to the cave, but I'm not sure. I also think her initially forgetting kind of slows the pace down. I would rather have the commands spelled out from the start personally. Also I think I have said this before but since it's pretty clear B and P will be important for the end of the novel, I think some earlier chapters from their perspectives would be good. Im excited to see how they get out of this situation! Sub 14 Pg 1 “recall…event I remember” this is a little redundant, I would cut one of these “And in order to do that” Not huge, but the word “and” can be cut here. It can also be left if you so choose, but other editors will probably point it out as being a filler word Pg 2 “popping out beneath the blue sky” I had to read this a few times to understand what it was saying, might be worth it to simplify How did the cast get removed? Hmmm “ invisible forcefield” idk this is probably pedantic but this experience seems like it would be out of the blue for her to immediately think of as a forcefield so IDK if immediately jumping to the conclusion of an invisible forcefield makes sense. However I think this could be fixed by even saying something like “it’s like I hit a forcefield" since that hedges the certainty a little I’m not sure if phone cameras actually use mirrors, but I like the concept So the compulsions only apply now that she remembers them? I'm a little unclear on the mechanics Pg 8 I am unsure why she suddenly attacks him here. Is it just because he got in front of her? Pg10 “Who are giving them trouble” I would cut this clause to simplify the sentence “This was supposed to be a simple trip” I would move this explanation elsewhere, maybe after he explains about the ritual. As it stands, it doesn’t really make sense following what B just said Pg 12 “that I care about B” sorry for always giving the same notes hahah but I also feel like this sentence is a long one “Evil cave” lol Pg 13 Surely her mom would have included instructions to not kill herself? I got the impression that was standard procedure for vampires Pg 16 “saving around the scanner” waving?

So my main thoughts on this one, other than in the LBL's is that the emtional moments are good, but there are some parts (I'm particualrly thinking J's reaction after killing A and going to the coffee shop) that seem emotionally disconnected. Overall though, I'm excited to see where this is going! Sub 13 Pg1 “Next to the sound of G’s body” Idk why exactly, but the words “next to” I think should be replaced with “alongside” I think because “next to” seems specifically spacial “From wrestling each other” it was already established they were wrestling, I think this can be cut “Any opening I give A” since it is not immediately obvious (at least to me) that moving his position might give A an opening, I would change this sentence to be something more like “I force down the urge…since A’s lightning fast reflexes could turn any movement into an opening…” or something like that “Who didn’t want to go to sleep” I like the emotional content of this sentence but in the context of the action, I think could be streamlined a little “There’s a reason legends say” I actually didn’t know this, I just thought a silver bullet could kill them. Later down I see it was intended to be a comforting lie, but still, it’s another reference to a specific way the magic works that’s presented like it’s well-known “Sacrifice him” nice Pg 3 I get the feeling A is trying to goad J into killing him, but not sure I am really liking the conversation between A and J here Pg 5 I would recommend starting a new chapter when it switches to K here “Take out back into town” I have no idea what this means. Just that she’ll go back into town? Page 6 I think this reveal was set up well, but I think a little more foreshadowing in earlier chapters could also help, like maybe just happening to always meet up at night, or something. More clues that K can put together other than what just barely happened “The scanner can use vampire magic” This is kind of a leap in logic, I think, but I think it can work with just a little bit of…idk the right word, lmapshading I think? Specifically the part that it can use vampire magic, rather than just being an built-in feature of the scanner, which I think would be more reasonable to assume. Something like “the scanner doesn’t just scan, you can use it to control vampires” and then maybe her mom confirms that only other vampires can use that function? Idk, might be pedantic haha “Figures that out?” oh sh*t haha that’s scary “I wanted to see” I like this imagery. Cog in the machine is a little cliche but this particular expansion on that is really good I think “A damn thing” also a really good line! Pg 8 So is this the first time humans have been to the tunnels in an official capacity? Given his concern about staying hidden, I think he would be at least a little worried about the authorities now knowing about the tunnels, or having to relocate or something. A description of the medics looking around in bewilderment or saying something about the tunnels might be good too, it seems odd enough that even a professional might make a remark about being out in the middle of nowhere, especially since zoning laws might make that illegal. At the very least, I can see that finding a bunch of people living in a tunnel complex could make a viral internet meme, like when they discovered the tunnels in new york last year “Stupid leading question” I would add a comma, like “stupid leading question, but he’s right” I am a little confused as to why they are at the coffee shop. I thought they were waiting for K to message them or something? Anyway, it does seem a little odd to me that J isn’t doing much here, and I also don’t know what the plan is exactly. Considering everything that has happened, he seems pretty emotionally unaffected at the coffeshop as well N has a very unique voice compared to the other characters, which can be funny but I am also glad that the narrative seems to be aware that he is being intentionally annoying hahah Pg 15 “1.5 meters of height” would it not be 1.5 meters tall? “Or whatever the equivalent” I would separate this from the rest of the sentence with an em dash since it’s a bit of an aside I like N’s narration haha

Good action scenes in this one, definitely very tense. Like a say later down, as with J's mom earlier, I would either like more earlier chapters from G to establish he will have viewpoints later, or earlier chapters from a several different characters to establish that there will be lots of viewpoints other than J or K. Overall though, good submission! Sub 12 “Stare at the words” this is ambiguous and possibly a mistake? Is it supposed to be “stare at the woods” or “stare after the words” as in the words she said, or “stare at the words on the wall”? After reading the next few sentences I think it’s the latter. “Is it okay if I come in?” Ah, she is already a vampire. Personally, I would try to either remove the first the first instance of thinking something is weird about the wards or tone it down slightly, or make this request more subtle because I feel like K, being as smart as she is and obsessing about vampire for the last few days would probably make this connection. Of course, I can also see her being blinded to the possibility since it is her own mom. That is an interesting twist tho! Pg2 “cavern looks like a set” I think is missing the word “that” after cavern Pg4 “N who contacts B who relays the message” whoah, long sentence with lots of names! I think this needs a little lampshading if its supposed to be intentionally long-winded I do like that we get to see from G’s perspective! I like when books have lots of perspectives, some from random or side characters. It does make the one chapter from the mom vampire stand out a little less, but I still think with her in particular there should be at least one more chapter earlier from her perspective, or alternatively, chapters earlier in the book from G’s perspective “Beautiful in that way I never appreciated” I would split this sentence in two, personally. “not -quite-boy” this seems like an insensitive way of putting it, which may be in character for him, but I would just advise to be careful, since this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, and while I don’t think this represents your own views, people might read it that way “Earlier than he should” I like this line “Bury his son” oof Pg 8 Whoah, okay, I didn’t know the scanner could stun people too, I thought it just said if someone was supernatural or not. Did K know the scanner could do this? “Ready to fall as a footnote” I get the point of this clause, but I feel like now is just not the time in a fast-paced segment like this, I think it just distracts from the imagery. I would end the sentence after “Movie” and cut the rest “ tried to kill herself” I am actually still not clear on this. Is it because she didn’t want to be captured alive? I may be stupid haha, I think K should more solidly state her reason for concluding she is not completely a villain Nice, I’m gald K figured it out! “A younger boy I don’t recognize” the phrase “I don’t recognize” can be cut, it’s implied when he doesn’t say who it is by name. Same with the “also haven’t seen”. Alternatively if you want to emphasize that he doesn’t know either you could add a sentence afterwards along the lines of “I don’t know either of them” but I think the sentence flow better without those two phrases “J’s spirt” spirit?

Not many notes other than my LBL's. The darkest hour is one of my favorite tropes and I thought this one is done pretty well, and I liked where it left off. Excited to read more! “Fey ancestry” I would maybe put a little bit more of an explanation since I think K, who has had fewer interactions with supernatural stuff might not be expected to know that fey can’t lie (also the reader may not know) so maybe something like “I also can’t lie because of my ancestry” “Leaves them hanging ” I like this part “So it’s a binding” I don’t get the sense she would just know this, especially since some of the rules have been a little different for some creatures than what you might expect, like vampires only being weakened by sunlight, not killed by it. I think it would seem more realistic if she instead thought about it like wondering if it would work to get him to verbally promise, but then coming to the same conclusion that it would kind of be f*cked up to intentionally try to use that against a friend Pg 4 “always trying to protect” I don’t see why this means N isn’t with them. B sent her away? I think the idea of having someone who was alive during the colonial era of the british and american empires is really cool Pg7 “But I am a monster” … “Because from my perspective…” I think these two paragraphs could be more effective if their order was switched. So like, we learn how J views humanity first, then he says “she can’t let go of that", since it makes that line about her humanity more punchy, like it deserves imo I personally don’t think that she will destroy the scanner, I think she is lying “Partner in the field” AKA, human shield lol Pg10 “I haven’t mentioned the scanner” well, she did, they were just talking about it. I would cut this and just leave it that she didn’t mention she knew who made it. It might be reasonable for her mom to assume she knew, if she knew about the device’s existence Pg15 “Don’t hurt anyone” I think this comes across a little bland for the fear I imagine he would be feeling in this moment. Dialogue tag could help, or the inclusion of a physical reaction he has Pg 14 I like the twist of him showing up to kill him, but also I think its really funny that he thinks about gun safety first haha Nice, awesome cliffhanger on this chapter

Fewer notes on this one, possibly since I accidentally read these subs out of order. Whoops, haha Sub 9 Okay, so I see this is the real sub 9 haha, I think that may be why I was confused by some of the stuff in the last one, also called sub 9. For instance, I thought it was kind of a weird cut from them running to being mostly okay, so I think this will help fix that confusion haha. I thought I just had a really bad case of WRS Pg1 “I’m surprised he doesn’t mention” should be surprised “Unconcious wolf J” the way he was described made him sound way too big to be carried under one arm. I believe he was said to be 4 feet tall even on all fours, which would be bigger than a great dane. Even if N is superhumanly strong that would be really awkward to hold “Reminds me of them” its a little unclear who the them is here, though it is answered in the next couple of sentences so maybe not a big deal. I still think that her being strong enough to carry both of them with one arm each is more of a giveaway to having powers haha “I’m practical and happy to seek him out” this sentence read a little clunky to me “Asian parents” I feel like this particular instance is more just a “parents” thing Pg4 “G doesn’t step me” should be “stop” “And with how fluffy” I think this would read better to cut the word “and” The scene where he turns back is cute. “In order to exit” should be exist “Use my warm body” Yeah, I feel like she has inferiority issues, I really hope they get addressed at some point. I think that this isn't trying to encourage or romanticize this kind of thinking, and is just trying to be representational, but I can also see a young teenager reading this and not understanding that I like the text conversation I think it characterizes N quickly “Did you just imply that…” I actually don’t know what they implied here. If anything, it was implied that B was the cause of J’s last breakup. I see later it’s that the two of them dated, but if that’s the case the implication could be a little stronger imo

The argument feels pretty realistic and nontrivial, and I can really appreciate both sides here, but I think J is pretty much in the right here, but has (like Paul mentioned) a pretty weak argument that could be fixed pretty easily by just telling K about the violence he has seen A commit, and heard of other organizations committing. Overall I just think K constantly threatening to report them all to ICE the A is kind of a sh*tty move so I am a little biased against her. I also think the fact that he suddenly thinks about mauling her is pretty out of left field, even with the foreshadowing of him giving her violent-looking glares before. It kind of just makes him seem unreasonable, like the whole "marvel villain socialist blows up an orphanage so we know socialism is bad" meme, if that makes sense. I don't necessarily think that's your intention and I think your representation of him has been pretty good up to this point. That along with the fact he thinks of himself as a radical (not saying people don't think of themselves that way; I think people just tend to frame themselves in slightly more positively connotated language in their own heads) makes him feel like a bit of a strawman here. I don't think its necessarily a bad move for his character to be having these violent thoughts, but I think could be either tempered a little to make him less insane here, which has mostly been his characterization, or to double down on the darker moments he's had in the past to make them more prominent so this seems less out of the blue. Overall though, I really liked these submissions, thought the argument and N's inclusion were good. This submission had some of my favorite moments in the story so far, actually. Excited to see how the bounce back from this! Sub 9 Pg1 - “after kidnapping B and trying to turn me” I don’t think the reminder of what happened is necessary here, I think this sentence can end with “influence” I like this section in pages 1 and 2 with her thinking about J, it’s very sweet “That his mind wanders to” this is implied and makes the sentence long imo, can be cut “J agree to walk B” Agrees “Flower ready to be plucked” I like the other parts of the description, but this simile in particular has odd connotations imo “Demisexual”possible WRS, but I didn’t remember him saying this before I am liking the conversation with N Pg 5 Again, I know I harp on this a lot, but I want more reaction from her on learning that her dad is in a coma, more than just being annoyed that the others keep blaming the A. I feel like it’s a pretty worrying situation even if the A isn’t involved. It also seemed like N handled the subject pretty callously So what do they plan to do exactly by going into the woods? Are they planning to kill D, or just get his mom back? I like the scene with J coming to terms with L possibly being dead. For the record, I doubt she did since it wasn’t shown “Weigh like boulders” I like this paragraph Pg 10 “specific conditions can met” are met? “Miracle cure” I think this deserves a little bit more explanation, imo “Before I can pick through why” Well, I know why. It’s because her mom is an agent. That’s an easy one “Token white guy” lol Pg 12 “of K keeps escalating” if K keeps In this argument, I think it would be useful for J to point out that the reason they did all those things in fear of the A is because the A would do things that are even worse. I think she is missing that implication “Maul her to death” Whoah, that kind of came out of nowhere “It’s okay that you want to hurt me” oh honey

Sub 8 I liked the action sequences, and I think it was a good spot to have something like this. Not that the story has been slow, it just seems about the right time for a semi-big confrontation. I thought that the section from L’s perspective felt a little out of nowhere. I like that we have it and think it should be included, but would rather have known more about her character or even seen a chapter from her perspective previously, especially since this possibly seems like her last chapter as well LBl’s I wonder why they don’t just tell G the whole story, especially since he also suspects that D is involved “By sex I assume” I think this is trying to clarify that they are all cisgender women? Why not just have her say that? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the term “by sex” and I’m not sure what the fact of her saying this adds to her character “They can’t turn into bats” I would switch the two clauses to be something like “Vampires do take after…even if they can’t turn into…” because I don’t know what not being able to turn into a bat has to do with them being all women “When I risk a question” I think this question should be included as an actual quote Just a note, I think the community should have an actual name, or at least the tunnels where they live. I feel like they would have come up with one, since its been around a while, and especially to differentiate where they live versus where all the vampires live “Guess how that went” I really like this for the end of his story, and it fits his character Ah, A being G’s son is an interesting twist. ‘And which one is which” everything after the comma on this sentence felt a little weird, in a way I find hard to put into words. I think because it uses both “is” and “was”, which while technically not an error, makes the tense a little confusing. I think it could benefit from either making it its own sentence, or adding a little by way of explanation for its inclusion, such as “and which is which was not even up to them, but determined by the…” “Prepping me on is the location” prepping me about the location? Oh yeah, I like the detail that they tend to avoid forests because of the wood. That’s a cool detail Basic vampire rules apply” a brief list could still be useful, just in case the reader is a little shaky on vampire lore or need a reminder. Also for instance, if running water is or isn’t a deterrent, since that one’s less widely known I like the idea of the email. I would personally forget to cancel the email haha “That leaves the last one off” I would save this for until it describes D, since she is actually the last one Pg 8 “most physical harm” when did he say this? The negotiation scene was very tense, I liked it “How the gun should have been loaded with silver” I think this should be actual dialogue as well, since saying like “You loaded that gun with regular bullets on purpose you fool” or something along those lines characterizes D and L more imo It was also very smart of K to figure out what was going on with L so quickly, cool moment I like that there is a loophole at play and L is taking every opportunity to not obey orders, and the fact she loaded the gun without silver bullets shows she was planning ahead “Based on the way” this feels like an abrupt change of subject to me, since they were just discussing how she was running and keeping herself in front of B. I think there needs to be a sentence of connective tissue here, imo “On her shoulders at his side” two prepositional phrases in a row stand out “Exists one minute doesn’t the next” I appreciate that she acknowledges the shock of the sudden death, but I also feel like she would have more feelings than that about her mother who she is also vampirically in thrall to. As a side note, I thought that particular relationship was such a goldmine for complicated emotions that I was getting excited for I got a little disappointed that she died right here haha “A real mother in after” I think the word in is extraneous here?

I can't remember if M has been present before now, though I think I remember her being mentioned. Anyway, having her show up and kidnap B was a good escalation but I don't recall/know her dynamic with D so J talking to her was a little less impactful than I think it was intended to be. I liked their conversation about wanting to be able to have a more secure relationship though. I appreciate the difference in perspective as to why K’s mom is being nice to them “Build bridges and make real progress” this seems like such a stock centrist phrase to me that it feels a little comical. Could just be me though. “When the supernatural around is getting restless” I think this entire phrase could be cut. It makes the sentence seem long and I think its kind of implied “Painted with horizontal red stripes” Like, literally painted? I don’t know what this is “Left-wing radicals” this also made me laugh, for the same reasons as above. I think mainly because in this situation they weren’t really talking radical politics, so it’s weird to compare him to random radical leftists on the internet right here “That’s the only way to prove” yeah, this comes across a little assh*le like to me, not that that’s inherently bad for the story or anything I like K realizing she was being rude to B here “You’ve come a long way” this sentence is confusing “Swallows her whole” I like this sentence “What do those people want” P is reacting very calmly here after seeing B get kidnapped, imo “No emotional reaction could do it justice” I disagree, even being in shock is an emotional reaction. At the very least, I think I would want answers about who the people were and what was going on “It’s uncomfortable with what’s probably” I would make the part that talks about his undiagnosed autism into its own sentence so this one doesn’t run on as long. Something like “It’s uncomfortable. I fit all the textbook symptoms for autism but have never been diagnosed, which is probably why I have to break…”

Sorry, I am trying to get these done a little quicker, so I am not going to take the time to put together my overall thoughts. Hopefully my LBLs get my thoughts across okay. Overall, thought these added interesting dimensions to the situation, but I felt like the discussion on gender and sex as a metaphor for the situation with the supernaturals could use a little polishing. I can understand the logic of both sides well enough, I just thought it could be integrated better into the course of conversation Sub 6 “Lump in my throat so long as” I would replace so long as with “whenever” “Yank me any way” I like this sentence a lot, but would replace “in” to “with a sentence “ L is reacting very calmly to being kicked out. Maybe he was expecting it or is masking his emotions here, but I would like a little bit more of a reaction here, or at least hints that he’s feeling something, or if not, K noting that he seems exceptionally calm “Supposed to have as an example” having the clause of “as an example” here at the end of the sentence is a little confusing, it sounds as if the act of having a phone is what is the example here, rather than the video she is showing. I would move the clause to “I ask, and as an example she shows” That being said, I really like the idea of her just watching this little vine over and over again, good characterization. The fact that she also seems unconcerned about L leaving is a little odd though. I could see how her excitement of a human could be overshadowing that, but if that’s the case I would like to read the actual dialogue of her being excited and asking questions about humans I like this exchange of him thinking she’s cute :3 Cute ending to the chapter too, and a nice development! I like the description at the beginning of the next chapter “Makes her look professional” should be “make her look” “We get sandwiches as something simple and straightforward” add a comma or em dashes to make it grammatically correct, but I didn’t know what “as something” was supposed to mean With the tomatoes thing, I honestly didn’t know that. My dog growing up loved to eat the tomatoes out of our garden (to my dad’s chagrin) all the time, so that makes me retroactively worried haha. Sidenote, does he also not eat grapes and chocolate? “Every work out of her mouth” probably should be “word” “Remember your sex ed” If my mom offered to buy me condoms I would probably nonfigurateively die on the spot from embarrassment. I think that would the reaction of most people honestly, so I think it meritsa little bit of acknowledgement/lampshading from J, like “instead of being embarrassed like you would expect from that kind of statement, K was completely enthralled” well, maybe the word enthralled is strong here given the context of vampires but you know what I mean haha “In the end” sticks out for repeating “Sex is a spectrum” That’s what they’re arguing about? I thought it was human/werewolf they were talking about with the “we’re all the same in the end” not men/ women “That’s because of how society functions” this feels like a strawmen for people who don’t believe in gender essentialism ngl. Like I have never met anyone who actually believes that biology has absolutely nothing to do with it, though I’ve met plenty of people who would say that society plays a bigger role than it could “As a hypothetical” as a hypothetical you say? “Understanding dawns on K’s face” I mean, yeah, that took her a while. I actually was more confused because I thought they were switching the topic to sexual politics for a second “Interesting perspective” god, she’s infuriating “So why am I the one comforting her?” honestly good question

I liked the second chapter in this submission a lot! The first was okay, but I think there needs to be a little more time spent on the realization that G is in on everything too, and is in fact himself supernatural or at least supernatural adjacent. I don't think it actually said whether he is a werewolf or not. I also am not sure exactly what her plan was when she just walks out. I mean, she may also not have a plan, but I don't think she ever really thinks about that either. I would like just a little more of herself reacting to her decision to walk out. I also thought the introduction of N was a little out of nowhere I liked the scene where J started talking about K without realizing she could understand Pg1 - “can, squeeze through” Pg2-”using his right to a pocketknife” I think there’s a word missing here, possible should be “to bring a pocketknife blade” “With the fate of your community” I found this to be just a little confusing, I would suggest rearranging the clauses a little to something like “surely we can’t trust the fate of your community to the man who held knife…” “You know he can’t hurt me” no, she doesn’t really know that haha, I think she should call him out on that personally I wonder why she doesn’t offer to give the scanner to L instead Pg 10 “In this economy” lol I wonder how N knew where they were. Was she following them? Does L know her? P11 “it should logically be safe” I actually think its logically unsafe too So is werewolfism genetic? That’s been implied but not really stated

My biggest notes for this submission was that I felt like the introduction of S was way too sudden, and I thought K's reaction to her was a little underwhelming. I think that learning an old friend and previous crush is actually an adult and possibly hundreds of years old, who was only using you to get the scanner is a pretty big reveal, and would get a much bigger reaction from K, even if its mostly internal. Having her be introduced (or reintroduced? sorry, I'm realizing I remember a lot less from bond of wildflowers than I thought) and then immediately be revealed as a vampire is too quick. I would reccomend at least having K thinking about her before this point, or maybe looking at an old photo or something, so it's more impactful to have her arrive. Overall, I liked the scene with the stairs, and I like how the possibility of their relationship is actually ambiguous and complicated, due to how it started with them both trying to manipulate the other “He shoots me a questioning look” Okay, I’m glad, the thing about G hating did seem to be a weird thing to say to someone who doesn’t know G haha Pg 2 Idk if this is just me, but I feel like if you’re caught staring once, but you want to keep looking, you start to get more sneaky with glances, rather than full blown staring again, but idk that’s really nitpicky haha “So this is what’s possible” I am going to start saying this when people show me their house/room and see how they react haha “Can I come in” I mean, he did ultimately still need to be invited in, I feel like if he weren’t a vampire he would step in to prove the point, so I’m guessing he is a vampire too. Then again he survives in sunlight so idk, maybe not I like that the tv is the least interesting I am not sure if he established that he doesn’t have technology back home, so it might be nice to have a reminder here as to why he is so interested “Resolute like a soldier” LOL I liked the stair scene, it was a little corny imo but cute, and considering the genre, a little corny is okay I think Pg5 “confirming it’s okay to take some” cut “to take some”, put a comma after “okay” Haha the vacuum thing was a good clue haha “Long lost mom” my first reaction is that they both reveal these things so casually. Having her match the same tone I think should have a mental note from her or something Pg 7 I like that she’s upfront about her initial suspicions too “So I invite her inside” I would write out the actual dialogue here, since S replies with dialogue Okay, I seriously misread G’s relationship to her dad, I thought he was her great uncle for some reason “Alone with you” okay, ouch. Also, based on her reaction I think there’s more to this than just the awkwardness Okay, her also being some kind of being or at least known to J, I think she should be introduced earlier than this “Psychic damage to my perception” LOL “You were supposed to get the scanner” I think it’s fine for her to realize this, but I would like more of reaction from her, this is some pretty heavy emotional stuff to learn someone you once like was actually really creepy and just using you Oof yeah this lady is really creepy

Interesting stuff! I like the level of explanation about the vampire plotline, I feel like there is a good amount of hints for getting a sense of what's going on, though not knowing exactly does make so I'm not entirely "inside" J's emotions in that scene, if that makes sense. It is obviously impactful, though, so it makes me want to find out what that's all about Overall, I thought that it made sense that her mom is so focused on duty when it seems like K is too, so I guess that's where she got it. It did make it seem like both of them aren't super emotionally connected, so you might want to stick a lampshade on that, maybe just noting that the whole thing was different than how she thought it might go, or something. I do think it reads pretty realisitically though, a reunion like that isn't going to be ugly sobbing and swelling orchestra Pg1 - “leopard beginning to pounce” this phrase is weird to me because it sounds like a tense break. If he has already bolted into the forest, i think it should just be "pouncing" and not "beginning to pounce" Pg 3 So, I may have forgotten, but was it said before she had never met her mom? “Deadly manuever” I can see how this would be painful, but deadly? Unless they have some kind of weakness to bushes as fey? Okay, later, I’m thinking is this because he is a vampire and those would count as a wooden stake? That is interesting, but I didn’t get enough of a sense to put those together quite yet haha, maybe a little explanation like "a sharp stick counts as a wooden stake" or something along those lines Pg4 “you’ll hurt me” I would cut everything in this sentence after this phrase, personally. I think it’s implied Pg5 “Cleanse us” I feel like he wouldn’t use the word cleanse when referring to himself and his loved ones, since that's a word normally used as rhetoric in favor of genocide. I think “eradicate” would make more sense from his point of view I’m interested to learn more about his backstory! Pg7, okay, so vampire confirmed. I am also wondering if she knew her daughter was in the area when she got assigned here, and if she had plans to go see her from the start Pg8 “bound to serve” does this also count for the one who turned them? I’m wondering if it’s all just a giant vampire pyramid scheme with one final boss vampire at the top Sorry K, Acab means your mom too “It’s hard to poke holes” I like that she takes all the supernatural stuff in stride, but I’m not getting the feeling that her seeing her mom in this capacity is emotionally impacting her that much. It seems like by the section break, this may be because she is more focused on the task at hand, and is feeling a little resentful and possibly unsure of how to react, but if those are the case I still think there could be a stronger sense of this. Right now it just seems like “oh hey, my mom is here. That’s weird”. I do like her response with the phone numbers Pg 10 “all the shrubs dying outside” should be “outside dying” Her mom’s point here is interesting to me, it sounds like she’s had a pretty privileged life and is using that to say “racism isn’t real”, which might actually be because the existence of supernatural creatures makes her want to view all humans as unified against a different Other. I’m interested to see where this story takes this comparison “You’re already so grown up” I think it’s pretty telling that she says such a sad sentence but with the focus on knowing K is trustworthy Her having the scanner…the plot thickens…

Overall, I really liked the scene in the kitchen. I like how it seemed to take the MC from mostly suspcious to mostly not and genuinely warm towards J, while he might not necessarily be. The tone wasn't very romantic until the very end, which I think was done well. I can see this leading to warmer interactions in the future, for sure. I also enjoyed all the radical talk. The fist chapter was a little confusing but I think was meant to be so I won't comment on that as much. I'm curious to see what the gunshot was about, and where their relationship goes from here. Took me a second to realize this was a new POV character, though I realized that’s probably why the chapter is labeled “J”. I think only his english name was used before, so it took me a second Pg 2 “I hope she makes it there” I do not know what this is supposed to mean. He did just say her english is indistinguishable from a native’s right? “So not well” I think needs a comma after “so” “That you’re hopeless with girls?” I think this entire clause can be cut and end the sentence with “surprised?” Overall, I like the exchange between siblings. Its fun and sounds like a real sibling conversation Oh, them thinking shes an agent is an interesting twist “Looking in the dark” Looking, I feel like, is a pretty weak word choice here, as it’s a little ambiguous. I think “watching” would be better I really wonder what the situation with the mom is, here Pg 6 “Twenty-one” this sentence is a little run-on, so I might separate it, or at least put a comma after “twenty-one” So i’m thinking she’s a ghost or something? The parallels between these two are really funny “Why so many people go on dates without putting” I’m a little confused about the reasoning here. Is she implying that other people aren’t dating with enthusiasm because they don’t have ulterior motives? “From G’s restaurant” I didn’t realize G’s restaurant was americanized, so I was glad for the elaboration with the orange chicken comment. Possibly WRS “Good for food” I think “for food” can be cut Pg 12 “what does he want with me” she’s made a few insecure comments so far but she doesn’t really seem insecure to me. I guess you can be proactive and insecure at the same time, and insecurity isn’t always rational, but overall I’ve been getting pretty competent vibes from her so its a little incongruous. Not a bad characterization though, necessarily “Despite being the one in a cast” this is exactly what I’m talking about, this is very confidently worded haha “Thai or Pho” Pho is a dish, whereas Thai is an entire type of food. I guess that’s the same as saying “italian or tacos”, which does sound like something someone could say, so nvm. It just stuck out to me at first “Talk about his financial situation” this is in character for her, for sure, but it is a little lacking in empathy since this is potentially really embarrassing for him, and he might be too flustered to ask her to stop. I do like that the main character has actual flaws, while remaining likable though, it’s been a very nice characterization so far “So it’s not even racist” the way this is worded is just funny to me haha Damn, yeah 100$ in tips would be a killing for me (though I think the general population in utah is a little ungenerous lmao) “It reassures them” I know about being resentful as a food service worker so this struck home with me but this definitely also feels cynical “Even if they do play video games” Idk why this is such a radical point tbh. Preach brother (even though this kind of moves the goalposts of what they were talking about) Yeah turns out a lot of radical stuff is actually pretty normal. I feel like this is one of the things that confuses people when I tell them I’m an anarchist, nice to see these conversations I also really like the subtext that he thinks she’s basically an FBI agent when he’s telling her all this stuff. I think maybe he accidentally forgot and started yapping about his special interests though haha I forgot their name was praxis and it was like a jumpscare haha Oh damn, same with the gunshot

This ended up being longer than I intended, so on future chapters I am going to go into less depth than this one so I can get them done faster. Overall, I didn't have many problems with pacing or the intorduction of the supernatural elements (may seems a but abrupt for new readers, but after reading the last book I am glad it doesn't linger too long on "OMG magic is real?????" since she already suspects. I would have liked it a little better if she was the one to call her dad specifically to demand answers, as it would make her slightly more proactive. Or, alternatively, might be worth considering having her start out certain that the supernatural is real already because she saw B or someone else do something inexplicable, or even already having had this conversation with her father. Idk, just spitballing. Overall though, good setup for conflict already, with her suspecting L and the complicated family conflict. (Which, btw, was the most compelling part to me) Main thing was just the way some sentences were structured were a little confusing, and like Paul SB said, the diction of the kids can be a little adult. Other than that though, I am excited to dig into this new story! Pg1 “my attention to” I think “attention goes to” makes it a complete sentence. Also, this sentence has a lot of adjectives for the second one in the whole book “Exactly good of a” i think should be “exactly as good of a” “Shaky grasp of english after” well first of all, this makes me think the narrator is an a-hole, but this sentence is also a little confusingly worded. Maybe something along the lines of “shaky grasp of english, despite” “With my arm stuck in a cast” also a little confusing, maybe put the clause “don’t even feel the heat” before mentioning its in a cast, like “ try to warm it up-> don’t feel anything-> because it’s in a cast” though that may be subjective “Up upon” is a little redundant “Quote” haha, yeah this narrator is a brat, but funny Pg 2 “around my age” having this clause before the verb makes the flow a little clunky, imo. I would even put this as it’s own sentence if it were me “Cute smile” lol “As kids” I kind of think this is unnecessary since it’s implied Okay, I’m going to stop pointing out specific cases of line edits, unless you want more Im not sure what the relationship between B and the narrator is. So they’re step siblings, but it seems like the narrator might also be into him? Is that what I’m supposed to be taking away? I like the description of the lumberjack guy. Also, love me a handsome lumberjack haha “Whiter than europe” lol A few pages into this, I think it could actually start with her walking into the restaurant, maybe despairing how she had to walk in the cold, etc when she arrives Front parted bowl cut? Say no more I will say, yeah, first thought was definitely stranger danger when he offered to help her find a motel Pg 5 “Now could be my chance to get my own” I had to read this sentence twice to understand what it meant “Minor fey” haha, I mean, might be nice to have at least a hint of this in the first one or two pages, though I do like how suddenly this goes into the supernatural territory. I guess it may not be as necessary since it’s a sequel. Also, I kinda like the pokedex vibes it’s giving, its goofy I like the ending to this chapter Pg 7 “dish that was my favorite” I think “that was” could be struck and read a little smoother: “dish, my favorite” So far though the sentences have been a lot clearer in chapter 2 Pg 8 “being nonwhite when I” I would make this into two sentences, by cutting “when” and making “I never” the start of a new sentence “Kay definitely” I had to read this sentence twice Pg 9 “Starts of” starts off “Machines at this” cut “at this”, it’s implied I like the handwriting part Local highschool girl discovers empathy (speaking of, I also had to remind myself that a highschooler may not have thought about how other cultures may view america) For reasons I’m sure you understand, P’s name is very funny to me. Literally my first thought was “oh, new enby name just dropped” haha “Girl’s body” i mean, this makes her come across as slightly (possibly unintentionally) transphobic, but like in the liberal kind of way, which seems to track with her character so far? Huh, that’s especially interesting since it sounds like she’s also questioning. I guess both can be true “Sure, they’re all just words…” I actually think it’re really funny and interesting that he doesn’t disagree with any she said. Really unexpected for the conversation to go this direction Pg 13 “But I’m not” I am not what? The two last sentences have to do with actions, so this felt unspecific “I suppose that’s fair” This response felt a little weird to me since it was responding to a demand made in the summary above. I think it would be good to write out how exactly she demanded, in dialogue “The supernatural” feels a little unspecific “Sort of paramilitary” I would cut this. She just learned about this, so I don’t know how she would know they are “sort of paramilitary” I think it makes sense just to say their are a shadowy government org “What if some people have supernatural powers” I had to read this one multiple times to get an idea what exactly he was arguing here Pg 18 “you know you’re” should be your I liked the phone conversation