ginger_reckoning

My two cents on this: I really liked the poem. I don't have much to add other than what's already been said, but I found it a very sincere slice of emotion. As for the prologue, I generally agree with what's already been said. Reading it was pretty confusing, as it wasn't specifically revealed that they were a dragon. While I was clued in by the wings, I can also imagine thinking it was a griffin or something until the whole bit about losing the gift of fire-breathing. Of course, the slow reveal could be exactly what you were going for, but that's just what I experienced. (The fire thing actually seems like a very interesting concept, like humans losing their ability to write, or something like that. I want to see what happens with this) The ending was abrupt, and while the tone was good and dramatic, I didn't really have a sense of what was going on. And while its some good information about the ancestors and the dragons and such, I don't really see how this will lead into whatever happens next. (Of course, that's somewhat conceited as of course I don't know what happens next! This could be Very Important!) besides that, the sense of danger/importance is well established, so good job with that. Also, just a note, "alps" is a word for snowy mountains, but it just makes me think of the ones in Europe. Which I assume is not where this takes place.

Thanks! I think while I'm editing ch3 I'll adjust it so he's more just nervous about his dad. Ok, so this is me trying to show-not-tell a kinda complicated concept. There are only seven "stars" visible from Ix, four of which are actually planets, so the three stars are more likely to appear at this time of year, and are more likely to be visible through the night. Is there a better way to describe this? Noted

Thanks! Noted. I think I will put an explanation in here. A isn't too concerned because he figures F and H will save him, and S really isn't confident enough yet to use his powers in a fight against multiple armed assailants. But I can see how it reads as anticlimactic I'm glad you liked it! I was worried it was a bit info-dumpy

Thatnks for the feedback! It was supposed to be passive aggressive, but I guess it could be more aggressive. That makes sense. I think I'll try to rewrite this scene from A's perspective and see how it feels. I also totally get the contradictions over the dread. I guess that wasn't ironic enough huh I'm glad you liked the chapters!

Congrats on the new job! Hope it's not too stressful.

Here's the thread. Thanks again!

May I have a slot for monday the 26th? (Just fyi I will be taking a break for Nanowrimo after that)

Ok, just opened it and I like the new font. Reminds me of an old typewriter Still like the quote Pg.1 Already way clearer! Pg. 1 I like how we get description of the species a lot earlier Pg. 2 “The worst think…” Probably meant “thing” Pg. 2 Ok, so they’re a cyborg? Pg.2 The dialogue is also easier to read, so that’s good Pg.3 “You know, I wanted to…” this seems a bit non-sequitur to me. Also, further down they say “You S aren’t…” which makes me think D didn’t say the above quote? Did the S say that? Pg. 3 “when the burning cold conduit brushed his…” pronoun slip Pg. 4 I like the mention of the Z, which is kind of like a brief stakes moment since it implies it can melt the A. Pg. 7 “D was old enough to remember…” this is in a weird spot in the sentence Pg. 10 “D planted his feet…” another pronoun slip Pg.11 I think it’s for the best to put the other scene in another chapter. Overall, I think this chapter is much improved from the last draft. It’s a lot clearer and easier to read than the last draft, so congrats. Personally, I’d still want to know a little more about why PS is so bad, and maybe even a little more stakes stuff from the Z. Good stuff!

EYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Thanks, I think based on everyone's reactions I will just go back to the original version of having this as a summary in chapter 3. Ah. Looks like I got some research to do! It's inspired by a real town in Italy I saw in a documentary one time. I will admit I never researched how it might affect their health, though, so maybe that's something worth looking into. I do understand the roads can get quite slippery though. This has been a problem the whole time and is still something I need to work on I guess. Would you happen to have any tips? (If not that's totally understandable) Sweet!

Before I begin, I am very excited to read your first installment on the forum! Ok, now for reading First paragraph: Already like the tone, good start. lots of short sentences though, might want to compound a couple for sentence variety. “his skin lying on the ground…” this is small, but maybe consider changing it to “the skin”? Could be just me, but saying “his skin” makes me think of, well, his skin. Pg 2 “but going to M didn’t sound so bad” The way this is framed right after talking about religion makes it seem like M is an afterlife, but I’m guessing it isn’t? It’s a country right? Pg 4: I like the description of the siblings Pg 4 “gave a spit of her own” lots of spitting. And the way this is worded makes it seem like she’s spitting directly onto the other spit, which just seems a bit…odd to me. Pg 5 “Lechery” Ah, yes, let’s talk about LGBTQ representation. Ok, this is just a personal thought, but as a bi, gender queer person I don’t really like the hyper sexualization of lesbians and other queer folks that you tend to see in media. I get that you’re probably trying to play with tropes on this one, but using words like “lechery” (which has strong negative “sinful” connotations- big nono) as one of the first words to describe a queer individual does not hit me right. If I were casually reading this, I’d probably put it down at this point. The “promiscuous gay” trope is done to death, and is usually done for laughs, which kind of makes it harmful stereotype. (think Scott Pilgrim v. The world) I get you were probably going for greater acceptance, which is a noble and good aspiriation, but if you really want to do that right, I would suggest removing everything after “Pleased, that is”. It says a lot more for acceptance if they don’t give the remarks a second thought. (the same way they might if the character was male, and described the same situation.) Now, I don’t hold this to you personally. Representation is hard! I always have to keep working on it. (Just cause I’m bi doesn’t give me a free pass!) So keep working at it. And if you’re worried taking out the rationalization will make it seem anachronistic, don’t. LGBTQ individuals have existed for as long as humanity has (Sapphos is a good example of a famous lesbian from ancient Greece. Also she is where the term ‘sapphic’ even comes from) and I think that most fantasy readers are becoming more accepting as a whole. Ok, rant over. Pg 6 Ooh, some classic fantasy lore. Cool stuff, but might be a bit too early for this much exposition. Pg 7 yeah, just a bit too much. I like the rich language tho Pg 9 “All it really did…” LOL Pg 9 You might want to italicize direct thoughts Pg 13 Ok, now I see why you had the lore about the blades. Cool scene. Overall this seems like a promising start! It’s definitely a very traditional fantasy, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing! I’m excited to see what happens with him and F. I also liked the scene where he was practicing with the sword at the beginning. And I am very excited to see some maps! I love maps. The characters seem fun as well, though as I noted you might want to consider tweaking the one character.

Thanks, I never even considered this. Do you think a serif font would help this, as the I would no longer look like a lowercase L? Do you mean his aunt and uncle? If you mean N, I guess I need to be more clear that they are not related. Bird poop Thanks! I think need to emphasize this a lot more. What he is experiencing here is a form of magical emotional manipulation. So I think you're dead on that it needs to be framed differently, in retrospect.

That's fair. However, in the actual manuscript, this would come immediately after chapter 1 (before S's scene) So I think there would still be a connection. It actually started this way, but I cut them and expanded on them in their own chapter so that A could have another chapter before going to S. If it doesn't work, I guess I could condense it back to a couple of paragraphs, but it seemed a bit info-dumpy to me. Good point, thanks

Hello everyone, thanks for all the feedback last week. Here is a new chapter that I wrote to come before chapter 2 from last week, as well as a chapter that comes after it. I am still working on my chapter 2 rewrite, so hopefully that will be done next week. Sorry, I know it's confusing. I'm pretty sure there aren't any content tags for this week. Thanks again!

May I have a spot for the 19th as well?

That wasn't specifically what I was going for, but I am ok with that interpretation. I don't think F is ready to come out though, or that A is mature enough. Yep yep yep! I think this will be even more obvious pretty soon (Birdrock is based off of Uluru) Thanks, this is a good insight

Ok, so this is obviously a problem and I won't try to pretend it's not, but what I'm trying to go for is to show that none of these characters are white. The only main character who we would see as white is DK in the next chapter. So I'm trying to let the reader know that before they get too far in with the assumption that they are white when they are not. However, I don't want this to seem offensive to anyone, so is there a better way to show this?

Welcome to Reading Excuses @sniperfrog! Thanks for the critique. I'm glad you like the worldbuilding! And don't worry, I will definitely be tweaking S and D's characterization for this chapter. I will admit that I am surprised that multiple people mentioned about the combat being too descriptive, but I can see how that's a problem. I'm glad you like the map! I think (hope) that question will be answered in the next few chapters.

@RobinskiI wish I had seen these earlier! All super good feedback (especially with grammar) And ooooh! I really like that idea! I might just try something like that out.

I, for one, am not bugged by the subject matter. While it is definitely a funny coincidence (or at least an interesting one) I think that stories like this are timely. Though it is true that we will probably see a lot of plague stories in the near future, I am not bothered by the premise on principle. So, to the story itself! It seems like a really cool premise, with interesting non-human aliens that can shift shape and have some kind of hive-mind thing going on. And the thought of a plague that can traverse multiple worlds seems just downright horrifying, especially since it seems to have nearly wiped out their species and forced them to consider bringing out the big bad. That, and a doctor who is willing to risk his career and an alien's life to find a cure. However, all of these cool concepts get a bit lost, I think, and it's hard to follow what's going on at times. For instance, the story really started for me once D started talking to the general. Before that, I wasn't really sure what they were fixing or why, and there were a lot of terms being thrown around without any explanation. I didn't even know they were an alien until they started twisting their body around (which may have been what you were going for). I can tell you've done a lot of worldbuilding, which is awesome, but I was a bit confused by all of the names getting thrown around without any explanation. For instance, I don't know what the S aliens even look like other than they might be bipedal. I was also a bit unsure why he was talking to the general in the first place. They apparently had tried to sabotage the ship, and seem angry at D for something, but its not really clear. I can tell that the thing in the tube isn't good, but I don't really know why. I think the description of some horrible thing floating by itself in hibernation is very creepy, and its obviously foreboding for D, but I really wanted a better sense of why. Will it help them get out of their quarantine situation? How is the plague even affecting their species, and why are they on this spaceship? Even if its a few vaguely threatening recollections or something, I think if you went harder on the threat the plague presents, it could do a lot to draw the reader in. Which brings in the last section, with K. Again, it seems like a significant thing to be looking for the cure for this horrible plague, and it seems like he is taking a big risk to be experimenting on this alien (even with its consent) but what I really want is for the drama to be bumped up to thirteen. I like how you point out that the species could be facing extinction even if they do find a cure, And the fact that A feels the need to inject itself since K won't do it seems significant. I think if there was just a little more clarity to the situation, it would go a long way to show how desperate the situation is. I am very interested to see where this goes! And the quote at the beginning is a very nice touch as well. Mainly, I want to see more of the cool aliens you described, and learn more about their situation. Please keep submitting!

I think that making different voices is going to be one of my biggest challenges with this book. It's a bit hard for me at this point to separate character voice from style, but I think I will get better as I continue writing. (Or I hope, at least) They are purposely a bit similar, but I will try to separate them. I am cutting J's POV, so maybe that will help. But I still see your point. D is J's cousin. The K family is quite large and significant, and is one of the reasons I made the K name memorable. As for the other stuff...this is another chapter I might cut completely. This is actually the third draft already, because I still don't think it hits right, which you've confirmed. Especially with trying to work out all the internalized misogyny and male gaze stuff, I think there's a better way to introduce S and D. (And maybe after another chapter of A)

Thanks again for all of the helpful feedback this week. After some consideration, I have decided to cut the prologue. Thank you all for the feedback on that chapter, and helping me to make it a better piece of writing, but I think it will serve a certain subplot better to just cut it altogether. I probably will include some kind of prologue, (probably a 1500 word thing from the POV of a protestor or something) but for now I think I will cut it. Also, sorry, I know this submission is more than 5000 words, but I wanted to keep things moving along. So I included the new chapter 1 and chapter 2, which introudces our other MC. The main focus of this edit of chapter 1 is to make H and F appears less juvenile than the first draft, and get into the action quicker. Also, how do you think A's characterization is affected in this draft? One final point of interest. One of my main goals in writing is to portray women with diversity and accuracy. So if you identify as female, please let me know when I get something wrong. I understand that D in this chapter kind of follows some fantasy women tropes, so any feedback about that would be amazing. The second chapter does contain some violence, as well as some mildly suggestive dialogue, just btw. Thanks so much!

Thanks @Robinski! That is a very in-depth analysis of the chapter, thanks for all of the feedback!

Can I also have a slot for the 12th?

So I went digging through the forums and found this thread, so here is my (belated) introduction! My name is Spencer, and I am currently 20 years old and a freshman majoring in marine biology. I've written one novel and started a bunch of others (the struggle) but this is my first real attempt to write something publishable. I'm currently about 50k words into my rewrite of my novel, which is proving to be quite the journey. I am obsessed with cephalopods and I love the outdoors, playing the tuba, and drawing. Fun fact! My current WIP was actually originally going to be a graphic novel, but then I realized that those are incredibly difficult to make, and I switched to prose only. My profile pic is from my instagram comic, @slap.egg.art. Check it out if you get the chance!