ginger_reckoning

Well done on completing your book! That is an awesome achievement, and I hope you are proud! My main thing with this chapter was that I thought it was a bit repetitive. I also think that most of this stuff could be achieved by a single scene, instead of three separate ones. There's more of that down below. It's also fun to see how her relationship with her family (other than S) has evolved since the first scene I read when J came over for dinner. It's come a long way. And the evolution of the accpetance of BK. “in the way of greeting” I don’t know why, but this seems weird to me. Like, I know what this means, but I just don’t…vibe with it “P wouldn’t sit still…” oh yeah they’re raising S’s kid’s now huh. That’s really sad Ok, so I’m just gonna put this out there: I think she should have just accepted the offer outright. I think there is enough character justification for her to do so, and it would make a sharp contrast to her indecision earlier in the book .And like, she can be surprised, and TBK can be surprised, but I think it would still work. You could even hang a lampshade on it if you want, and it would still work, imo. Really show character growth, ya know? In any case, having her debate and fret again about whether she is going to go with TBK or not just seems repetitive, and I feel like I could skim the board game scene. Pg 2“play this via mail” you’re only a couple hundred years away from cell phones, L. Born in the wrong generation. Pg 3 “I’ve played every scenario” Hey, that’s relatable Pg 3 “thanks L” why is this sarcastic? He seems sincere Pg 4 “no restaurant fires” Oh, I doubt that. BK definitely has a backup plan to be like "But thou must!" “kill to have a family” foreshadowing? :-) “what makes you happy” this is very helpful! Ir is doing my baby M dirty Pg 6 are we going to have another coming out scene now? A bit repetitive imo Pg 7 “different types of caterpillars” ok, this is adorable Pg 8 I like how supportive her family is. Her parents, at least “\pg 11 “if you’re here, you’re helping” I really like C. And now she’s coming out to her too. Again, a bit repetitive. (Though this is my favorite one of the three) Pg 13 is the two week’s notice thing on purpose, or is that an older tradition than I thought? Ah, this is the BK we know and love. Makes sense he would have a contingency plan ( and makes him a bit darker grey than the previous few chapters. Glad we can see him being, well, the dreaded monarch he is) “release the F” I figured this was his plan. This is very interesting And that’s the end! Well done

Overall, this chapter hit me harder emotionally than I thought it would, so good job iwth that. My main concern with this is that I think it might take too long to do what it needs to do. At first, I thought the funeral was too long, but then changed my mind as I reminded myself that this is the end of the book, and about 10% of the length is normal for falling action. But the stuff after the funeral doesn't seem all that necessary. But then again, it was not too terribly long, so...I'm kind of undecided on this. Also, I would kind of like to see S make the decision to go to the iron mines from her POV, since she was so adamant on dying earlier. It would also help with the floating narration that I mention further down. But other than that, this was an excellent chapter for bringing things to a close. Opening the doc now Pg 1 “It was only the stir…” I think this is passive voice? Not sure tho “slowly stood” I think these two words should be switched imo. “Stood slowly.” “never resurface” nice line Like the emotional descriptions in here so far. Very convincingly at rock bottom “Cliffs” this is also good “L’s small wiry…” I think could just be “his small wiry…”. Y’already know I fall for this one ALL the time… Pg 2 just overall ripped my heart out. Thanks Pg 3 “fingers digging into” digging seems like too strong a word, and kind of pulled me out. The imagery just seems a bit violent. I also noticed the same word was used for L earlier. Though reading the rest of the paragraph, that could be what you were going for. Why give the revolutionaries 3 days? I feel like one day is enough to decide. I feel like this unnecessarily invokes the “three day journey” trope “flower blossoming” coming in clutch with the imagery, as usual “maternal and…” I think you could just say “all her grandparents”. saves a couple words, and makes the sentence a bit easy to read imo Pg 5 it just occurred to me that we don’t know about T’s parents. Does he have them? Brothers or sisters? Pg 6 “one day” huh? Why not just skip to the last day? “but it was enough” implied torture? Doesn’t seem like the BK imo This whole page just kind of floats there. It seems weird to read something that isn’t from anyon’e s viewpoints when most of the book is 3rd person limited Pg 7 say goodbye to her! Don’t end it like last time Pg 8 oh yeah I forgot that Ir and J were together Pg 9 “locked in me” locked me in “no heir” oh yeah, BK needs to adopt Ir so she can be queen. All jokes aside, this scene with J is good. I like that she is confronting some of these problems verbally. I like these little details of life moving on without her being ready. Very realistic Pg 10 “j was an ear” I get what this is saying, but the way this is phrased pulls me out a bit. Like, almost weirdly objectifying? Idk maybe “a listening ear” would be better? “be a crutch” ok, I like this line though, so maybe just ignore the first part XD Pg 11 “like a butt” first off, LOL, second off, this was like a 180 from the rest of the tone of the chapter. Also, the word “butt” seems a bit…modern? Pg 13 “stored her belongs” her belongings Page 15 Where is Cl? Is it in the city, or is it another city? I think she is going to choose to take the job.

Thank you for all your critiques @Silk! They were all very helpful. In answer to your question, (and I think others asked this) from what I've researched, yes you can swim through the air. It is a fluid, and while it is much much less viscous than water, you can still propel yourself. So it would be slower than swimming in water, but you could do it. (After all, that's basically what a bird or bug is doing when it flies) If you were in a vacuum, though, you would not be able to do this because there would be no air molecules to push off of. I think this has been one of the main problems with the sub so far. I do actually want them to seem like they are in over their heads, and maybe have people question how they even overthrew the emporer in the first place, (especially Ek) but it seems to bee a bit too off-putting as it is. Would it work better if I lamp-shaded it more?

Overall, I think this story is a lot clearer than the last draft, which I like. I agree with the others though that it seems like too much is going on for the length that you have planned. I expect that one of the moms will show up and something will happen with god fungus, but I don't see how that will all be resolved in less than 3000 words. My favorite scenes were the kissing scene and the confrontation immediately afterwards, and then the brief chase at the end. There were couple sentences that were hard to understand, and I commented on a few but not all of them, because I figured this is an early draft and a lot will change. Sorry, this is late Pg1 I enjoy this introductions much better than before! It was a lot easier for me to understand, and helped to draw me in without getting lost a lot better than the last draft. (if its any help, I like the title S in the S. ) Are they friends with W? Doesn’t seem like it based on the past described here Pg 2 I think the phrase “leaving me…lifeless” could be separated with em dashes Pg 3 I get that its probably cut for length, but it feels a little less…desperate this time, with the crush. I kind of miss it. “I would never see” This seemed like a non sequiter until I reread it “supernova” I like this image Pg 4 “got too fed-up” is this suicidal ideation? I guess this is just me but that made me really sad to read. For personal reasons, mostly, but it did not hit me right. Hah, I like the description of L. Reminds me of chloe price from LiS. Pg 5 “secretly hates…” oof relatable Is it L with two L’s or 3? I’ve seen both in this doc I continue to like the little tidbits about how J likes A. Pg 7 so did they hug in the hallway? I ws a little confused by that “Anyone can walk in her.” Ouch Pg 10 “How do you think…” I lol’ed when I read this. Seems like a teen’s dream (or worst nightmare) Setting boundaries is a nice touch. Especially for a YA story. “ dreamed of Doing with her” pronoun slip Pg 11 oh I see why it has the S tag now Pg 11 “unibrow” funny line, seems a bit cliché tho Pg 14 “make sure the GT deosn’t” I’m confused about what this line is saying.

Oooh, duh, yes this would happen. This is totally going in the next draft, thanks hhmmmm yeah...I think this is a very important part, with establishing the dynamic between GT and Ek. So I will definitely try some of these and try to improve this part. noted. hmm ya know what, I'm not sure. It defintiely has YA vibes and my vision of what the cover might look like is very YAish, and its mainly focused on the emotions of the young female protag, so kinda? Buuuuuuut it also deals with some things that I think will be a little heavy/mature for YA, so idk. I kind of have a naturally YA style, though, I've found. thanks for bringing this up because i hadn't thought of that. I'm just going to say "no" based on my author knowledge, but now I have to think of a good explanation why...I think maybe because you can't explore with psychic powers? You can only contact people that you know exist. Something to think about I guess...

Overall, I thought this chapter was very effective for nearing the end of the book. I don't have much to say about it other than my lbl's. Good job! Opening the doc now Pg 2 “had it not been for the cougar” so did the cougar remind her to bow? Pg 3 “your warning” did it really tho? Oh btw it took me this long to say anything because I’m really getting pulled into this chapter. Really good so far :-) I especially like how she feels numb right now. That emotion feels very real here. “more honorable” when has he not been honorable? The story keeps on telling me he’s evil but he’s really been neutral at best. As in, morally grey. “the incorrect opinion” ok, this addresses it a little. I think if we had some kind of obvious scene with the differences between the rumors and the real BK< this would be more clear. Like, if there was a scene where Ir hears some of the rumors and thinks about how he isn’t really like that, maybe? Though maybe you already did that Pg 5 “the rest your contract” The rest of your contract Yeah, he is being super nice to her right now. Perhaps too nice… “scrabbled” like the hit board game? Pg 6 “nothing but nightmares” NICE pg 7 I struggle to remember these directions, I imagine it would be even harder for IR with her emotional state. “they had each betrayed…” I think might sound better as “they had each betrayed the other” Pg 8 Why does S get her own cell? How did she hear about the deal? “SORRY” YES Pg 9 “I want M and Pa” oof Pg 10 this seems pretty petty for the last things they ever say to each other.

Yeah, I'm really glad actually, because when everyone said they were confused, I was like "really?" I thought it was pretty clear...but then I went and actually looked at the doc... *facepalm*

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OK SO I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO SEND THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE CHAPTER AAAAAAAAA I'm going to resend the chapter I am so sorry no wonder it was so confusing

Hmmm I guess I did jump the gun on this explanation. (I mean, I knew that, so why not her? <sarcasm>) Thanks! Oh yeah, this was supposed to be an alien thing. Like, she can smell hormones and stuff. I should probably call this out more. Thanks, this is valuable information Oh, also, I think everyone commented on this, but yes, it end abruptly. This is not meant to be the end of the chapter, I just didn't like the conversations after taht point, so I didn't include them in this sub so I can rework them. Thanks for sharing these! I somehow managed to miss those two while I was digging through old episodes to listen to. I've also found Tim Hickson's youtube videos on empires and how they rise and fall to be really useful to think through some of these things. https://youtu.be/51MWp0Hgo90 https://youtu.be/1yu5MHeLMEY https://youtu.be/jAKfs0TaOR4 Thank you! I will check these out for sure. Hmmm yes this is important. I will rework this to make G more assertive, I think. oppurtunistic ones This is something I'm struggling with because I don't want to become info-dumpy in the text. But...I do have a little document I drew up, and maybe if you want to look at it and give it some critiques? If you're game, just based on the structure I've set up. I'll put it in the spoiler below. (It is a bit spoilery) Thank you, this is a good idea, I think. Thank you everyone!

One thing I forgot in the email: is it still too infodumpy? I feel like it might be, but IDK. Thanks again! edit: I forgot to send the first full chapter. The second document has the full 3rd chapter, but not the fourth. Sorry.

May I have a slot for next week as well?

Overall, I like this as the start much better than the other subbed chapters. I thought the writing was much easier to follow, and I got a better sense of the world/characters. And it doesn't seem as tropey. That being said, it could still use some improvements, especially with the characters and buy-in as others have noted. Also, I didn't mind the use of "the boys" but it was noticable by the end. Maybe try a few other words to mix things up a bit. Combat was good. Kept it short but interesting. Also very brutal. I don't really have any comments on the sword. Seems like a standard magic sword. Ok, first off, I’m impressed by the worldbuilding I saw in the other document, seems very interesting. Okay, opening the doc now. Pg 1 This opening quote is interesting…this person has experienced death multiple times huh Is this like a marvel-style location tag? Hmmmm that’s interesting One paragraph in, I’m liking the writing a lot better than the other version “reassuringly as AH” I read this as anne Hathaway the first time “do you think its r?” she asked -I don’t think She needs to be capitalized “grunt of assent, it” I think the sentence should end after “ascent” imo Pg 2 A lot of these sentences have an odd structure, it seems. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but it seems like some of these commas are unnecessary. “she had a way with people” yes, this is definitely a run-on sentence “something shaped like a man” Oooooh. Monster hunting time “the figure” I think this paragraph could be broken into several smaller ones “the figure (third paragraph), a woman…” I think this thought should be separated by em dashes. “the figure—a woman C realized—” Pg 3 so two people are fighting and believe me, I love a good fight scene, but like, why are they fighting? And who should I be rooting for? I think I need just a bit more buy-in for C. “who are you” my question as well And now she is dead. I liked the description of the fighting a lot, but it was very quick and I don’t know if she is just incompetent if if its form the swords power. Much improved from the last one, tho. “c rolled her over and…” this should be two sentences Oh, here’s the spit thing again. A little less weird this time, with the explanation, but still… Pg 4 there’s a lot of names of places and people and I can’t really follow them all Pg 5 I like the description of the pain, well done shouldn’t he favor his nonwounded side? Wait, when did he lose his horse? I guess I also lost it… Pg6 so who are they going to fight, and why should I care? I still don’t really have much buy-in Pg 7 “not f*ing around” oh, heh that caught me by surprise. I think this is the first real swear I think I would also care about the BG more if I cared more about the relationship between C and A. This scene is good, but I want more. Why do I want these characters to be happy? What is their dynamic together? Pg 8 Yeah, not a smart decision to fight while wounded. Unless the sword has healing powers or something “head on a pike” nice and dramatic. Definitely a grimdark Pg 9 more spitting R keeps on calling him young, but how young is he? I’m imagining a middle-aged man, since he’s been calling the soldiers “boys” Pg 10 “he knows about” and we know that he knows about it, so I don’t think she needs to say this Pg 11 I like that he knows his limits. Puts a nice touch of intensity/stakes to this battle Ripping the flesh” oof that made me cringe

F XD

Where I come from, we call that "editing" :-)

Yeah, it's a tough one. I think you are probably fine, especially since he is a well-rounded character before this. But really...it's hard for me to say. Like I said, I guess it's just something to be aware of.

So I'm not going to do LBL's on this one if you are ok with that. I think the others have done a pretty good job with that. Well, actually, my one lbl thing is that the "that's family for you" line kind of blared for me, like it stood out of the tone of the rest of the chapter as slightly more humorous which pulled me out a bit. I agree with the others that the death of T was very well written, and while it was a little over-dramatic, I think that it is totally warranted for this part. I like how this is a negative consequence for both S and Ir, and it really just points out how silly and pointless all the violence of the revolution is. It was a mistake, but its not one that you can come back from. I especially thought the part with the stories was good. That being said, I am almost loathe to mention this because I thought it was so well written, but if I remember correctly T is the only black main character. This might invoke harmful tropes for some, so I guess that is something to be aware of. Regarding the fight, I would personally love some more description of the tactics of the different animals working together. I think there was some description of that kind of stuff after the fact, but if we could get some more of that description during the battle itself, I think it would cement the chaos of the battle more. I was also a bit underwhelmed with the descriptions of the battle. Looking back at the doc... Pg 6 "it was easy to tell who was M..." I believe this is her first thoughts when she sees the battle, and is thus the reader's introduction to the battle. Personally I want more punch from her first glimpse at the fighting. And just more punch overall, if this is the climax of the story. (or the first part of the climax, anyway.) I agree with this. I was several lines in when I realized "oh, the battle is over". I think a more concrete marker of the battle being over would be good. I agree with this as well. Especially since I assume that the BK has to focus in order to use all his magic. Though I was glad to see the more viscious side of him. I'm hoping we will see him finally get angry once he confronts Ir with her insubordination... Anyways, good job! Excited to see IR finally tell S what's what

I also don't have much lbl stuff for this one. I could tell the mc was an old woman just by reading her name, which made me smile. My one grammar thing is that I think extra-terrestrial could just be extraterrestrial. And I had to look up what chuffed meant. I personally think that the aliens probably don't exist, but that is just me. I think this read more like a flash fiction, but was just a bit too lengthy. The detail about the alien smelling through their fingers was interesting, but I'm not sure what it added to the story. I'm not great with poetry or symbolism, so the thing about the peony kinda just flew over my head. Afterwards, I can kind of see what you mean about it reflecting her experience, but personally i would rather have something a little more concrete with something this short. Like maybe "M accepted that the aliens were real. the next day, the flower bloomed." But, ya know, better than that. Anyways, I thought this was a very sweet, introspective piece! Even though it could probably be just a little shorter, I thought the length was good. The writing was smooth and it was easy to read. Good work!

Thanks everyone for the critiques! Sorry I've been really bad at responding this week, I moved apartments this week and things have been pretty hectic. Anyways, without further ado: Yes, thank you. I read over it and saw there were a lot of places where I repeated words or phrases...I guess that's what you get when you edit at hyperspeed at 11 at night Based on everyone's reactions, I think it's time for me to let this line go. Goodbye, old friend Thanks, this is good advice. I think everyone basically agreed that the meeting was super boring, so I think that in the next go-round I will just try to focus on Ek and her own emotions/feeling like she should do more/feeling out of her league. (instead of all the infodump details, that is) That is a good point, thanks. Something to consider hopefully this will become clearer in later chapters, but it's basically tyrannical, feudalistic turtles all the way down. Officials and things are in on the secret, but the average human thinks the autarch rules the world, not worlds Hmmm. I will admit this not a problem I anticipated. If I had her name as simply LN, would it still be readable? Or is that too weird? that is a good point, thanks. Ek is a follower of weird future Hinduism, which will definitely come up later, but it might be good to poitn it out early as you suggested. Yes. That's why I included this, so I can reasonably have "sivah" appear later :'P Anyways, thanks again! Sorry if i didn't specifically call you out, but I appreciate your input nonetheless.

I recieved your email

i would also love a copy, if you would

Sorry if this is digging up a dead topic, but I agree with this, actually. The thought of always existing is actually much scarier to me than stopping existing. There's an interesting website called "17776: the Future of Football" that actually goes into great depth about what it would be like to exist for thousands or even millions of years, and I think it does a good job of depicting something I've believed for a long time: we were not meant to last forever. I think my personality, spirit, soul, whatever, only has so much that it can give to the world/universe, and once I've given everything I can give, I think it's right for me to end. If i were to exist forever, I would just get bored, I think, even if I could do whatever I wanted, or play in "sandbox mode" or whatever it is that heaven would be. Plus, on my darker days, I will admit simply not existing is quite appealing. I think the idea of reincarnation appeals to me most, though i'm not sure if I actually believe that. The thought of this personality disappearing and becoming a new one is interesting to me.

When I am just rewriting a single chapter or chunk of chapters, I often will have the two documents open side by side. Depending on how deep the changes are, I will simply copy and paste the new draft and edit in the changes, or if it is a complete rewrite I will make a bulleted list of the main beats/ points of the chapter and highlight the sections in the old manuscript that align with those certain beats. Them, when I am writing the new one, I will either delete those sections or write them into the new draft depending on what I'm doing.

Opening the doc now “as usual, she wore a dress” I’m not sure if this is a necessary detail. It tells us that she often wears dresses, but I think you could probably just cut to “she wore a pink dress” or whatever description “once, neither” oof nice detail. Growing estranged Pg 2 this is delightfully awkward. Very realistic imo. Reminds me kind of like talking to an ex when neither of you have quite moved on yet, but with a sibling instead. S is uncharacteristically timid. Though I guess maybe she’s trying to patch things up for once. (though I suspect that she’s planning a trap or something) Pg 3 “p no longer existed” yep, she really is starting to pick a side (finally) “Are you going to follow the BK?” Aaaand whoosh! That came out of nowhere Pg 4 “I’ll never except” Accept This page has the S we know and love Oooh, Ir is finally standing up for herself! I like it! “Then you will die” “and what stops the rich” valid argument, and (((perhaps commentary?))) Pg 5 this seems unexpected from S “You stay here” NO. THIS IS HER TRIGGERING THE TRAP Pg 6 Oh, nice, called it. Side note, I assume this house has windows she could climb out of? Locking someone inside the house doesn’t seem like it would work for very long. It reminds me of the scene near the beginning of Life is Strange (if you’ve ever played that) where one character locks another inside her dorm room from the outside. It just doesn’t seem all that likely. “a free t” I assume this is the start of the climax then? Exciting! “her hair in her face” I think just “hair in her face” would be fine, though that’s not so big Pg 7 nice summary of the stakes. However, nothing about the revolutionaries that I’ve seen so far makes me think that they would win. I’m more concerned about T and the others dying in their futile attempt. also, I changed my mind on the house thing. Addressing the ways that she could've escaped, but can't is goo, i think. “earned themselves the guillotine” yes, this makes much more sense to me Pg 8 I like this page Pg 9 “iron handle was burning” oh yeah I forgot about that “Come one Ir” toola too roo lye aye “the stone navy” it took me a few reads to pick up that you meant the color and not a maritime force made of rocks. I was a little confused Pg 10 She’s been working at the palace for a while now, and I feel like the guards would recognize her. Though I respect that they take their job seriously, unlike most fantasy guards, so I can look past that. Also, why not prove she’s the name knower by revealing their names? Pg 11 Yes, I’m certain she could convince them by telling the minotaur his name. I feel like if she grew up with the power, she would probably think of that on instinct Overall, I like this chapter a lot and I am glad that this is going into what I assume is the end. Nice to see Ir stand up for herself, too. Not much to add other than what I already noted, so good work!

Luckily, I got the student discount on Word, so I use that. Though to be honest, it's just as good as google docs for what i do with it, so that subscription will not likely last long once I graduate. I usually write whenever I can, usually between classes or late at night (and then I go over them in the morning to clear out all the...bizarre content) So the classic coffee-fueled-student struggle, i guess.

So I haven't read the other comments yet, so sorry if I repeat anything. Overall, I thought this was an interesting way to start a story. I am very curious to see what the giant armor thing was, and my mind goes to maybe this was a soldier of some kind. I'm really hoping he doesn't have amnesia, though. If he ends up not remembering anything, that will be a bit too cliche, I think. I also think that it was a little verbose, especially at the beginning. There were repetition of ideas, and just a lot of description of minor details. I think the faster we can get to the captain searching for something, the better. I just feel like a lot of stuff, especially at the beginning, could be shaved off. Besides that, I could easily visualize the setting, which was nice, and I really like the idea of the flower spirit controlling the ship. The start was a bit rocky, but the end of the prologue was strong. Excited to see more! Opening the document now Pg 1 I like airships First paragraph “as the small boat” repeats the word “boat” here. A little clunky imo “as it got near the ground” not really a critique here, but this seems like a very fantasy way to word it. I feel like this type of structure is used a lot in fantasy stuff, which gives a certain tone. Good job “A century early” probably “a century earlier” These sentences in the first paragraph seem to be a little run-on to me. And while I do like airships, I’m not really getting a hook here. “almost shaking” lots of commas in this sentence. Makes it read more like a list, and pulls me out a bit “machine spirit” hmmm okay this little tidbit is interesting…using spirits to power vehicles eh? Pg 2 “something heavy” okay this is getting my attention. The first page didn’t get my attention very well “what sane man” I would. Nice characterization, shows that he is careful and calculating “a lot larger than his initial estimate.” I think you could end with “larger.” We already know what he estimated “to the wind” nice, cements his carefulness “like clockwork” again, I think this sentence could be separated into a couple smaller ones Pg 3 Pandora’s box huh “A glowing vine” I like this description Ah, so the spirit is a flower! Or nature spirit or something. I like it Pg 4 “w was no strange to “ stranger to “right arm was complete detached at the” completely detached Pg 5 This description of what she can sense is interesting, but a bit dry “dying, you say” I thought she said it was already dead Pg 6 “heh” I don’t get why this is funny “belay that” I thought that belay meant to stop an order, but it seems like he is going to salvage it anyway I’m liking the atmosphere “I’ve failed” oooh nice and dramatic