ginger_reckoning

These chapters had some very good character moments and some very good emotion. I especially enjoyed R's perspective on things. That being said, I was a little lost in everything. I think that the cold open of this chapter is not effective. I did not understand what was going on at the end of the first chapter, so I was just confused when it was revealed that B was injured. I would have rather seen B do his thing and pass out than have that happen off-page. I also wish that we had seen them investigate the nest and find it empty, so we could know why that is significant. Overall, I wish I knew why more stuff was significant. I don't remember B placing the tablets or why they are important/what he is trying to measure. I don't know why finding an empty nest is so bad, especially since it happens off page. I like that B decides to train at the end of the chapter, but again, what is so important about those tablets that he is willing to sacrifice so much time and effort to get them? Also, just my personal taste, but I don't think the dream was necessary. It felt like its main purpose was to introduce some of the characters, such as his uncle, brother, and crush, but I think that we could meet all three of those characters in "real life" and it would be better. Though I did like the part where he was uncontrollably making the killing rhythm, and everything in the dream was to that rhythm. Overall, your writing's good! I just feel adrift as a reader, and want something to latch onto character-wise. Excited to read more! P1 Okay, so this is a new POV. I get this is probably to increase the cliffhanger feeling at the end of the first chapter, but it didn’t really seem like they were in much danger at the end of that one. They seemed like they had the situation under control, so I’m not really worried for them, I mainly just want to see what happened at the end of the heist “Bring me the s” not sure if this is a setting-specific thing or not “we have a wounded” technically yes, you can use wounded as a singular noun. However, I think it might read better as just “we have wounded” which sounds just a little more natural to me, inexplicably. “an occasional wounded” here, I think would sound better as “cared for the occasional wounded” “he had run out of tears” nice Okay, so this wounded person is in fact, B. “sipping between her clenched fingers” probably meant “slipping between her…” Also, isn’t R blind? Or was that just a temporary blindness before? P2 “he did so now” nice P3 “melted away the layer o frost” excellent. Loving the descriptions of the magic here P4 Interesting to see how disability plays into this setting, even so early on. It also seems to me that her disability is actually what we would consider normal hearing? She doesn’t have a magically expanded hearing range? I’m a little confused as to why they can’t simply sing the aria several times P5 Ah, so the s beads are what the heist is for. “s beads stolen from the t’s nests, remained” comma splice. Remove comma after “nests” “dark-blue juice” actually does not need a hyphen. “into B’s arm” this makes it sound like it either penetrated the flesh, or was put into a wound in the arm. Maybe, “into B’s hand” I don’t think placing tablets was mentioned in the last chapter. When she asked if he had done what he came for, I was wondering what that even was, since we didn’t actually get an explanation of why he was on the heist anyway. P6 “I promised to help him with his goal” But what is his goal? I’m starting to get a little frustrated by this “shredded to pieces” harsh, I like it lol “it can not be worth it” you can combine “can” and “not” into “cannot”. I think the main reason you would not combine the two would be if you were to emphasize one or the other word, but that isn’t the case here so they can be combined. “shame an avalanche” lol I like N “she likely did not know her nest was empty yet” unsure about the significane of this, or how it has to do with the t going easy on them P7 “preceding a full Moon” moon should not be capitalized “tightly curled fists” ah, so B is an anime protagonist...jk lol P8 “two larger ones for fists” ha! Nice I like the relationship these two have P9 “he had read the sections of the “Directives…” Confused by this sentence. What’s it trying to say? “Never touched the book” nice Oh, and that’s the end of the chapter. I’m not really sure what the take-away for this chapter was supposed to be, other than R and N being introduced “powerful and magical, and orderly” can probably cut the first instance of the word “and” P13 “But only a handful of people” really? I didn’t get that impression from R’s perspective. He revered the song, obviously, but it seemed like it was common enough for healers to play it. Ah, okay, this explains why R couldn’t just play the song multiple times. “open-mouthed gaping” technically not incorrect, I simply don’t like the word gaping, lol P14 “What you did with the t today” Okay, but what did he do? It was unclear, and we didn’t actually see the consequences P16 “flickered in his jaw at the ‘blackwater’ part” should be backwater, I think p17 “Settlement Core” not sure if this is what you’re going for, but you might mean “Settlement Corps” which would be a military branch focused on settlement. As opposed to Core, which is the center of something. The word Corps looks like it should be pronounced “corpse” but is pronounced like “core”. It’s confusing. Also, I predict that N and B will hate each other at first, but will come to like each other

Thanks everyone for the replies! It seems like the consensus is that this chapter is worth keeping, but in a shorter form, and with fewer unnecessary details. I think that cutting down the scene with L in the temple especially will help. The latter. I will make sure to make this more clear! That's fair! That's good to know! It (hopefully) will, and the mi here will play a part later on, but yeah that's hard to show here lol Noted! Yeah, this chapter has a heavy exposition burden. Still looking for ways to sprinkle in some more of this organically throughout, but yeah. Noted. The point was that he was reconsidering what he thought the prophecy meant. I will make this clearer. Calories are what power the magic system, which I could definitely be more clear on before this point. That is a good point! Thanks for pointing that out. Formatting error! Whoops! I'm mainly calling this an interlude because I don't plan on having another POV chapter from G (well, maybe one near the end of the story. We'll see) But I see what you mean. I hadn't considered this! I guess I could move this up, but at the beginning G had other things on his mind, so maybe I could put it in the second scene? Hmm This is a fair point, and a decent sized plot-hole. Thanks for pointing this out. I will find some way for him to address this idea without it taking up too much space. (Something like, if H showed up now, people would think HE was the impostor...or something) Possibly WRS. This murder is the attack from the last sub, not the larger arson attack. I will make sure that the two are more distinct on the page on the next draft. Thank you everyone!

No prob! It definitely works as is, and you'll see "suddenly" used a lot by many different authors, but imo if you just cut the word "suddenly" it works a lot better. So it is just something like Newline: "A crash broke the silence..." (or however it goes I can't exactly remember) As I said before, I think you could just cut this POV and have it work. That way, the reader is surprised by the attack in the same way C is. That is an excellent question, lol. I am not the best at this in my own work, but here are my two cents anyway. My main suggestion is to establish extremely early who it is you are switching to. Even just including the name of the person in the first sentence is usually enough, so it's something like "M woke to the sound of attackers" or something like that or "C was thinking about her bad dreams" (these are just examples obviously) I also think that if we are getting a different character's perspective on an event, there should be something unique about their persepctive that adds to our understanding of the scene. I actually think that the POV from M did this well, since he was much more analytical and detached than his sister was. However, the POV didn't lead anywhere, and more felt like it was included to establish exposition and M as a POV later on. Hope that helps!

Congrats on your first submission! I know it is hard to put yourself out there, so good for you for taking that first step. With that being said, do not let criticisms of the work get you down; they don't reflect you or the quality of your work, they are simply suggestions and experiences while reading. I do not think that you need to include the "prologue" explanation in the book. I picked up on the setting pretty well through the chapter alone, I felt like, and with the popularity of Dune and other space operas, I think most readers won't have trouble picking it up. I also don't think that the viewpoints from the assassin at the beginning and the viewpoint from M are necessary. The assassin's viewpoint simply tells us that an attack is about to happen, and some trappings of the setting, but I think we can get both of those things later in the chapter. In M's viewpoint, I was overwhelmed with the amount of exposition. I think you can have M's viewpoint later, in a different chapter where he can think the same things but with more of a point of action to them, if he's going to be a recurring POV. I think this chapter would work best from just the one viewpoint of C. I think that would be especially good because it gives us a sympathetic view of the events going on, and I think you can get an even stronger emotional attachment to C going to make the king's death even more impactful. As it stands, I felt like I was getting whiplash from all the changing POV's. There were some sections that could be improved on, and some places where the writing was very strong, as noted below. Good work! P1 “the soft pat pat” this is technically an incomplete sentence. Not saying you have to always stick to complete sentences in prose, but I think you generally should in the first few sentences of a story. Rant time: In my opinion, the first sentence of a story is the most important. The second most important is the second sentence, and the third is the final sentence of the story. Everything after that is extremely subjective. “pat pat” is the subject of this sentence, not the boots, so “swiftly making their way” is a descriptive clause, not the verb of the sentence. The three incomplete sentences seem to all be describing sounds of the area, which on second thought is actually an interesting stylistic choice. I personally would just insert “the soft pat pat…were lost in the whisper of…”. Rant over! “ore rich” should be hyphenated I don’t actually think that it being the capital and the home of the leaders are two different reasons for its wealth. That seems like two aspects of the same reason. “This mansion, their mansion” I would recommend “this, their mansion” but that’s just me “undulating” unclear what this is supposed to mean in this context “Making it the safest place” See, imo this is an incomplete sentence that works, so it’s obviously very subjective. “enormous plants” a little confusing since this is set in woodland. Specifying what type of plant they are (coal, metal, etc) might make it less confusing Pg 2 “read out on his wrist once more” read-out should be hyphenated, and there should be a comma after “more” Oh, took me a second to realize this was a POV shift. Might want to make that more clear before going to the dream. Pg3 “Tonight…” nice Pg4 “glistening of tear remnants” could probably cut the word “of” As some of the others might point out, including the word “suddenly” actually makes what is about to happen less sudden! Pg5 “that was out on the balcony” could probably be just “the guard on the balcony” “school trained” school-trained “propriety” this title should be capitalized. Hmmm, not a huge fan of paratheses in prose I like the description of the knife “kill a royal member” surely, a royal family member. P6 Do the guards also have knives? “silk like” silk-like “into the room, Panic!” I think should be a colon instead of a comma: “into the room: panic!” “fighting pose” stance? “mocking glare” nice “instant fury” nice “moment of curiosity” I think you could use a stronger word than curiosity. That usually doesn’t have a negative connotation, so it makes an otherwise powerful statement a little confusing. Maybe “pity” or “mockery”? P7 “15 years of her own” cool detail. Also, numbers should be spelled out in most cases, so this would be fifteen P8 “With the ease of an athlete”-nice. Maybe predictable, but still effective. Reinforces his power even more “still had some strength said.” Should be “still had some strength, said,” or “still had some strength, said:” “Even though the next few minutes” nice P9 Well written death scene “Her Cries echoing down the halls” cries should not be capitalized P10 A third POV in the first chapter? Hmmm. “a highly coveted seat, and a great” I am completely lost at the end of this paragraph. The last three sentences in this paragraph especially are confusing Also, is M the son of the one who was just killed? “Make matters worse” To make matters worse “who knows what skeletons” should probably be “who knew what skeletons” to keep with the established tense “With a measured sigh he left” this is interesting characterization right off the bat. Analytical, and not caring for his family members. That being said, this whole page just crushed me with a ton of information. Can this be summarized in a shorter, more succinct way? I don’t think we need to know all these details right now, and you can certainly characterize him as smart and devious with just a fraction of the exposition here. P11 “she looked unharmed” short sentence, but lots of emotion in just these few words. Nice! …and we’re back to C. P12 “reading devices, she could use…” remove the comma after “devices” “after what seemed like a long while. They gently…” these should be one sentence, with a comma after “while” instead of a period P15 I was wondering what the hook was going to be at the end of this chapter, and at the last second, there it was! Well done! I predict the assassin was her betrothed.

I see you sent an updated version, but I already finished reading the not-updated version, so that is what this one is on. Sorry! I would say your writing is much improved from your last submissions! The grammatical errors listed here are all the errors I could find, instead of just the most egregious ones as with your previous submissions. Good work! It seems like this world is slightly more livable as well (relative to a dystopian society). I was confused by the powers. I get the "why" and "what" of her powers will probably be big questions of the story, but I was still confused as to what she could do, and why. Especially with the teleportation at the end, which seemed a little out of nowhere. I will also admit that I was a little disappointed that she went to go join the resistance at the end when the government offered her a job. This was an effective first chapter with a hook and inciting incident, getting us right to the plot, but the main character literally did not know the resistance existed for two minutes before going to join them, which felt a bit sudden. The resistance was not a known factor throughout the chapter, so it again felt a little out of nowhere. I kind of wish she had joined the government instead, since that seems like it hasn't been done as often as joining a resistance, but that is just my thoughts at the end of the first chapter. Good work, interested to see where this goes! P1 “doesn’t help, carrying it around” I’d recommend ending the sentence after “help”, and starting a new sentence with “Carrying” “for my friend L” same here, I’d recommend ending the sentence after “L”. “first classers” ah, that’s interesting. So this is some sort of stratified social structure? “I glance over at L” end the sentence after “L” here as well “Me and L” should probably be “L and I” P2 “slave to some government worker” I hope that’s hyperbole (0.0) “full week of hard labor” okay, so not hyperbole. Yikes! “guide each threat” thread, probably Probably small, but if it’s so dangerous to use her power, would she at least look around to see if anyone is watching? I still think it would be possible for the teacher to have snuck up on her after she looks around to make sure no one can see, which would make her seem a little less reckless. P3 “jewelry store” repeat of the word jewelry is a little distracting P4 Okay, so it seems like the power she used is not a known thing that Ms. H would recognize. I assumed that she did recognize the power, which was why she was reporting it. P6 “the classes themselves are unfair” I think that goes without saying P7 “J’s lunch is far nicer” Here, you are telling what you have already effectively shown. I think this sentence can be cut. “L eyes my food” missing a period here. P8 “j is sipping juice” J should be capitalized. I like the complication of the official in the class “out of the ordinary I answer questions” there should be a period after “ordinary” P9 One of the president’s personal guards, eh? They must be taking this seriously! “offer you a position” Nice! I was not expecting this, very good subversion of expectations! Personally not a fan of the word “ginormous” but it does reinforce the age of the narrator, so it is effective here if that’s what you’re going for. P10 “’Ok’ at least this way” after “ok”, there should be a period or a comma So, now I’m under the impression that the government does know about the existence of powers. Which is interesting to me. “He shrugs then wraps me” extra period at the end of this sentence P11 “There’s a resistance” that was my exact thought lol “a couple of minutes” more like a couple of moments, imo. Also, an extra period after the word “want” right after this sentence “comes to mind” looks like you put the new line before the period on this one accidentally P12 “That’s really cheesy” lol “wipe my hands on my pants” missing a period and a space here Teleportation?? What??? “Will jump that hurdle” will should not be capitalized

Hey all! Busy week this week, which is awesome. I got really excited about the thought of writing an interlude, so that's what I ended up writing this week. It probably won't go exactly here, but near here. (Probably in two chapters or so) Anyways, the usual questions. What logically doesn't make sense? I'm worried there's a little too much exposition in this chapter. What do you think? Do you think having this POV is warranted? Who knew the chapter with the villain would be the one with the least tags? Tagging language just because I've grown blind to swears, so it's just to be safe. Thank you!

I'll take a slot!

That's up to you! It would make for a lot of dramatic irony if the audience knew but she didn't, but then you don't get as big of a reveal later. Both have their pros and cons. Personally, I would rather go for a reveal later on, but that's my personal taste.

Sorry, I did skip some stuff from the last chapter. Basically, this picks up from the submission two weeks ago, not last week. Sorry for the confusion. Ha! That was unintentional, but I like it. Don't worry, it is indeed an unsavory character. fair enough THis is good to know so I can make things more clear! Thank you flowergirl!

Hmmm yeah, I can see that this is a problem by this point. I'm just struggling to find a way to bring this up organically. I'm thinking of including an interlude from one of the main antagonists soon (at around the 50k word count mark, which will hopefully be the 1/3 mark as well), and hopefully I can explain some of the religious and city lore there, but we'll see lol. This has been brought up before though, and I think will be helped by including an extra chapter near the beginning before the raid/fire that can explain a little more about con and the city in general. As for the chickens, yes I agree that needs to be spelled out clearer on the page Thanks for pointing this out! I think this should be fairly easy to fix by adding a line like "they wore different faces so no one would recognize them" Fair point! A tradition they have is to switch the coins when they do something dangerous then switch them back when it's over. It's also a physical indicator of their friendship, so watch out for symbolism in the near future Yes, sorry, I've been skipping around a little in the order of the chapters, which I know is confusing for people jumping in (and just in general) One of their friends is helping them avoid notice Thanks! I will work on making that more clear Hmmm yeah, I'm definitely not an expert on the topic (unlike shatteredsmooth or kais) so this is something I could get better at clarity wise Thanks Mandamon and Cathy Lim!

Hi! Welcome to Reading Excuses, and as others have said before, your English is very good! There were only a few grammatical mistakes that I think someone already pointed out. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, (and forgot to do line-by-line because I read this on the bus. Whoops!) so I will keep this brief. I was immediately hooked by the first couple of lines and the promise of a heist. I was confused about whether he paid for the equipment himself or if he took a loan from his uncle. I was confused by the ts indicator. Is that supposed to denote hertz? Also, how are they producing the sounds? With their throats via humming, or just...magically? I was also a little confused by everything that happened at the end. Did B need to join everyone in killing the t or it wouldn't work? Did they kill the t or just stun it? My main thing was that I wanted to know why they are doing the heist. What are they trying to steal? What exactly makes the main character so excited to go on a heist? What are the consequences (other than the t killing them) of failing the heist? If they don't bring anything back, will the people back at home suffer? Also, I see what you were doing with making "noise" a curse word, and it makes sense for the worldbuilding we've seen so far, but on the page it is a little confusing. I look forward to reading more!

If you want to keep it hidden, I would say to cut the description of the wolf crying/seeming sad--at least for now. I think at this stage, the fact it is white is hint enough, and that the sadness can come at a later time as a more obvious hint

Fair enough! It's good to know that what seems connected in my head could be better spelled out on the page. Yeah, that's something that's been a constant worry for me while writing this. The mi are not supposed to represent any particular group, but there are obviously parallels here to a lot of oppressed groups (for instance, the holocaust parallels have already been mentioned). Hopefully it's not too off-putting Thanks, I will add more details on this I hear you. I'm hopefully going to address this problem in the next submission, but yes, it could definitely use a little more of this at this point I'll make sure to make this more clear (or maybe just cut it? would it be frustrating to not have this information brought up yet?) noted D'oh! Thank you! This was mainly a scouting mission. I'll make sure to make that (and the reasons why they are doing it) more clear in the next draft good idea. I had a scene planned where they go to a library for some research, so maybe i'll bump that one up Welcome to Reading Excuses K. Preston! Fair point! 0.0 I did not even consider this! Thank you for pointing that out! I don't plan on getting into this all that much, sorry. Basically all you need to know is that they are afraid of the mi and (erroneously) believe that killing them is for the good of humanity. Basically, as was pointed out, a stand-in for white supremacists Thank you Ace of Hearts, Silk, and K. Preston!

It is interesting to me that this chapter has happened this early in the story. Specifically, it seems like W is getting the exact solution for her problems, so to me this says that there will be some major complications going forward that make her plan of using the flowers to cure her mother not work. Like the others were saying and like I mentioned before, this just seems like a scene from the middle of the story, not near the beginning. It moves fast, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I do wish we could establish the characters a little better. Also, I'm not sure about having N's POV here. Don't get me wrong, I like having lots of POV's in my own work and so I fall into this a lot as well, but I think I would rather have W's reaction to going to another world for the first time, and then maybe have N's POV a little later. As for W, I like her character a lot. She is soft spoken but still kind of pulling the strings behind the whole situation. I also like that she is neurodivergent (IIRC) but that isn't her whole character. Excited to read more! Pg 2 Personally, if someone told me that they had a magic medicine that worked in proximity, I would simply be like “that’s nice” and leave. The fact W isn’t skeptical is interesting for her character, and hints that maybe she has considered magic as a real possibility for a while. unless there is some sort of precedent for this in the setting Lol I like how she just drinks it Pg 3 “before they were killed” Might be wrs but who is “they” in this sentence? Is it the mother mentioned, both the parents, or is it the pharmaceutical executive? Pg 4 “I do the same but until”-- I think “but” can be removed Pg 5 “Almost like I drained the energy from them” is she trying to hint that she knows they’re magic? Pg 7 “doesn’t even know elementary school concepts” I like this detail. Turns out maybe-magical communes don’t teach math all that well! (Like a certain magical school by that one author whose name escapes me) Pg 9 Oh, okay, a POV shift. Interesting. I was expecting N to not have a POV since he knows more about the situation, so this is interesting. pg 10 “I’m don’t do” I don’t do. Also! Called it! He is a fey or something! “She knows we’re not on earth” Earth, as the place, should be capitalized. “It sounds like you were living in a fairytale” seems like a bit of a logical jump. Though that could be because she is trying to get him to reveal what he knows Pg 12 So B was just standing in the woods, waiting for him to arrive? Also, has B been mentioned before? She doesn't get a description here, but from what she talks about, I imagine her as a businessperson.

This chapter was very interesting! The final parts of it especially added a lot of intrigue. Apparently, R is very important, though the talk of organizations and experiments did seem a little out of nowhere. I also wondered if R has been warned by S about these people before, why she is not more concerned or hardly seems to think about them. It could be that she thinks S is crazy and doesn't believe the warnings, but still, the fact that someone is out to get her would be pretty daunting, even in theory. I wonder if this could come even sooner? I also wonder if you could play up the importance and stakes involved in her research job. Interesting stuff! Excited to read more Pg 1 “F blushed and shrugged” Ha, nice Pg 2 “she was still fascinated” A bit nitpicky on my part, but these don’t sound mutually exclusive to me “It began to rain harder” I don’t remember it raining in the last submission, but could be WRS (weekly reading syndrome) “sterile, unable to have children” seems a little redundant Pg 3 It seems like the skills necessary for this job would carry over to her own goals pretty well, so I am not quite sure why she is frustrated here Pg 4 “gorgeous young man” nice Pg 4 At first, I was a little confused by how she was able to get a look at the patron without him being there “House M” If the house is well known enough to have stereotypes, would her boss not mention that their client was from that specific house? Pg 6 “Kissing R” lol, that’s what you get for employing teenagers… “little sister” Ha, nice. P 12 Okay, was not expecting wolves P13 “S Ryn screamed, but S” Top of the page, S’s name is spelled in two different ways. Marking it because I doubt spellcheck will catch that So right now something seems a little fishy about this situation with the wolves. S told her to meet him out in the woods, and R didn’t seem too worried about being out there by herself, which makes me think that wolves aren’t a common threat here. Did S set up the attack, or is there another (magical?) reason wolves might attack her? Okay, further down the page, S didn’t send the note! Interesting! Someone is trying to assassinate her? I’m predicting the white wolf is her transformed dad Pg 14-15 There’s a couple more instances of S’s name being spelled in different ways

Thanks again all for reading. This sub is pretty straightforward, I think, but I would still like to see what you guys think. Does it make sense logically? What could be streamlined? This is them actually going out to scout out their chicken heist after H helps cover for A. Tags for violence, gore, and language (some mildly sexual but not enough to warrant an S tag I think) I've been brainstorming up some possible titles, and right now I'm thinking "The Shapeshifter and the God of Blood" but that doesn't really roll off the tongue, and maybe gives away a little too much/promises a darker tone than I want? Idk. What do you think about that title? I'm also including a link to a recap of past chapters on a google docs. Thank you!

Well thank you! That's very sweet of you Thank you for pointing this out! Well, that is interesting, thank you. That's nice of you to say, but you know what they say about comparison being the thief of joy. If Stephen King submitted something here, this group would probably rip him apart, so don't necessarily take this group's reaction as a reflection of the quality of your work. Thank you Cathy Lim!

I would like a spot if possible please Edit: Unless the newer submitters want a spot, of course!

Meaning the power they have over the community, as leaders of the gang. Will make this more clear. Hmmm, yeah that is a good point. I'm hoping to address this in the next main revision when I add another chapter before the Mel incident to establish some stuff, but yes, when most con are made they just wake up with powers, with no voice or anything like that Fair enough. That seems to be the consensus here. This was one of the reasons that I had trouble writing this chapter originally, since there is a lot of information that seems necessary to introduce before moving onto what I think is the "part 2" of the story, which I'm just not sure I can get away with by revealing it later during the actual caper and whatnot. This chapter is going to be a doozy to revise. Not really, mainly just a bit of worldbuilding/backstory. That's good! Does this come across as too ominous? I think by now its no secret that I am trying to set up Mel as "not quite good". Is this too much? Thank you Silk and Mandamon!

There was certainly a lot that was good to this chapter! I liked the characters and thought they had a fun voice(though it was a little overwhelming to meet all of them at the same time). It works, I think, as a chapter from the middle of the book, which in my opinion can be a little more laid back and focus on the mundane, fun details of the setting like this chapter does. And, again, I understand that this is the second book in a series, so it kind of is in the middle in some ways. That being said, the first chapter of a book, imo, is by FAR the most important. So, when I read a first chapter, I am usually looking for things that will grab me by the eyes and force me to keep reading. Strong emotions, fascinating setting elements, promises of mysterious things to come (which I think the dream does well). Like Ace of Hearts, I think you can keep (at least a version of) the dream sequence. I think you can even keep a shortened version of them going to pick up the new clothes. I think you can cut some of the character intorductions, and maybe have the MC meet them after she arrives at the library. I also think you can cut down the scene of her getting the clothes to be a little shorter. Ultimately, what you choose to cut or keep is up to you. And while we are your peers as fellow writers, we are not your target YA audience (I'm pretty sure).

Noted. It looks like I can cut even more from this scene, which is good to know. Arc-wise, this is supposed to come before the chapter I subbed last time, so the arc ends with them deciding to sneak out and start scouting out the chicken job anyway. Sorry, I know it's confusing to have it split up like that. I still think though, based on these comments, that that arc might still be a little fragmented/ineffectual, so I will see what I can do to make it work better. Good point, thanks! He views it as "simple" in comparison to impersonating a specific person, which he did in an earlier chapter. I will make sure to specify this I originally did have a chapter break here, so it's interesting to see that it still feels like a natural place to have one! I think I'll probably put it back Thank you Ace of Hearts and kais!

Welcome! I think I agree with @kais on this one. The dream at the beginning was interesting and emotionally charged, but then things kind of fell off from there. Also, as I note below, while the dream was my favorite part of the chapter, I think it can also be cut down if the protagonist doesn't remember it. And, like kais, I thought that this chapter kind of lacked a hook. I get that most readers will be coming off the first book and already be invested in the characters and setting, but even then, everything in this chapter could be summarized so we get R to the library, where I assume the story begins in earnest. Other than the dream (which R doesn't even remember) what are the emotional stakes here? What does it mean for R to be a librarian, and what does she lose if that doesn't go well? Etc. I was also a little bit overwhelmed with the number of characters all introduced at the same time, and had trouble remembering which one was which by the end. All that being said, this was well written, and has some really good imagery! The idea of magical genetic lines is intriguing to me, and I wonder what sort of things she will research. Excited to read more! Pg 1 “the only sound,” you can remove the comma after “sound”. I only bring it up because it’s the second sentence of the book. (In my opinion, the second-most important sentence of the book!) “like a painting” simple, yet very effective imagery. I like it Pg 2 “unnaturally bright white hair” I’m guessing white despite his relative youth? Or is he old? “Hunched” in the next sentence makes me think old “wearing nothing but a cloak” wait what? Pg 3 “She had been dreaming…something” This might just be personal taste, but if R doesn’t remember the dream I think it would make more sense for us, as the reader, to also only get a vague description of the events of the dream. While the events of the dream were well-written and dramatic, if the protagonist doesn’t even remember what happened, what is the point of having all that in the first pages of the book? A few paragraphs of what vague-yet-emotionally-charged snippets she does remember might be more effective. Pg 4 “working with patience” working with patients? Is Z and T looking at the boy and then R teasing him supposed to imply that both of them like boys? A little confused here Pg 7 “top of her inside thigh to the floor” is this in front of everyone? Seems like maybe they would go to another room?

I don't think I was here when you originally submitted, so I am coming in fresh for this one! This was well written, and the characters are interesting and believable. You are also very good at writing the romance and all the complicated stuff that goes with it. While it was good, this felt more like a chapter from the middle of the book. In the first few pages, W sees the wolves and talks with A pretty much right out the gate, and I felt like I was missing some information even though this is the first chapter. Granted, the characters have pasts and histories together, but it still felt like I was thrown into the middle of something pre-established. I kind of wanted a stronger hook. A possible cure for cancer is good, but I still didn't feel completely drawn in by the end of the first chapter. And I am a little confused about the wolves still. That being said, this seems like the beginning to an interesting mystery, and I am already liking the romance parts to it, like I said before. Excited to read more! Edit: In response to your question, yes I am more than happy to see more chapters from this one! Pg 1 First off, I like the immediate “no nonsense” tone of the narrator “the rumors speak of is…” this sentence is confusing. “Where I saw blood” okay, interesting “like all of my classmates…” not certain, but I think you might be able to cut the word “of” or replace “of my” with “the” “pups” okay, was not expecting that “animated kids” missing an apostrophe. Maybe simplify to “cartoon”? “it just veered into nightmare” oof, felt that Pg 2 “so he is connected to those” not sure why W would jump to that conclusion. Or what the significance of the wolves are supposed to be. “wolves does” wolves do. Pg 4 Okay, glad the pronouns thing got called out, I was wondering if that was supposed to be seen as odd or not. So N is totatlly a fey or something, right? “so there’s nothing of it…” Unless he’s bi Pg 8 The hug was well-written, and overall the romance is being set up well, but at the end of chapter 1, this doesn’t particularly feel like the first chapter. Feels like something from the middle of the book. Pg 9 “well enough even they’re” even though they’re Pg 10 “They relax their shoulders” this feels a little bit like underreaction. Just by hearing that they stiff or relax, I’m not really sure how important this memory really is. And it just seems a little bit frank. Idk, I guess I just want a little more elaboration Pg 12 I feel like the news would go nuts about a violent commune, (which, I will add, does seem like an Oregon stereotype. Not sure how common those actually are) so I really don’t buy this story. Maybe that’s what you’re going for I see this is called out later down the page. “how dangerous America can be” this reads like someone visiting America. How old was she when she was adopted? Pg 13 So her aunt has been missing for weeks, and they never told her about it? Hm Pg 15 oof Pg 16 “N doesn…like me,” I thought she had figured that out from him asking her on a date?

I decided to go back and revise the meeting chapter (which I have not subbed before) I cut a lot of material from the meeting and put some of the content from the chapter from my last sub earlier, and I think it works a little better now. I also combined the two chapters, and it ended up being about 7200 words, so I am just going to sub the parts that I haven't put out here yet. That being said, I made a few minor changes to the latter half of the chapter to accommodate some of the changes I made, such as C being in on the plan from the beginning. The chapter still ends with A going out. Anyways, that was long-winded. I still think that I could probably cut this down even further, but I'm curious to hear what you think. Tags are for language, and passing references to drugs and sex work. Thank you!

Welcome! Glad to have you. And I think I can say, as long as you know how to read, you are qualified to critique here.