ginger_reckoning

^^^^^^ XD

This is needlessly harsh. Please consider rephrasing.

Hello, and congrats on your first sub! Opening up the document now, excited to see what's in store Pg1-this first sentence is good, but is a little cluttered. Nice imagery, tho. Pg 1 “Chunks of earth…” again, good imagery, but the sentence is a little long and confusing. Myabe try splitting it into smaller chunks? “obstructed” this means to block, so I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say here. How is the earth blocked? “small sun faded” sun-faded “After only…” I think flows better as “After staying…for only a few days” So far I like the tone, very melancholy and mysterious. Pg 2 “Maybe a bear will” should be “Maybe a bear would” there are a few other tense slips. “How long were you…” Lol my thoughts exactly Use of the word”nutrient” stands out to me. What level of development are they at? You say that your dialogue isn’t strong, but so far I am enjoying it. Pg 3 “Just part of the cycle” good characterization Pg 4 Won’t hound too much on this, but again there are some sentences that are a little confusing, and could be simplified in my opinion. “permanent needles” nice “N found more joy…” This sentence is a little clunky. Maybe something like “Despite the (pain, troubles, needle, etc) N found joy… (and then remove the “though” at the end0 Pg 5 nic metaphor, could use some clarification. “But he hasn’t…” but he hadn’t “he felt responsible” this is straight telling “curiosity is the cousin” nice Pg 6 “discernably not ok” this seems like a understatement Pg 7 “I am keen” who is saying this line? “Do you have any idea…” this is a horrific event, but this sentence seems a bit…too coherent if that makes sense. A bit verbose. Especially the phrase “Departed from the…” Pg 8 “there is not much…” OOF Pg 9 Im still not sure about the time period. They have pills? Pg 11 Burn her in a forest??? Smokey the Bear does not approve. But I guess it makes sense if they’re worried she’s going to turn into a zombie… Pg 12 Nice last line Overall: I think this is the beginnings of a good start! Definiely leaves a lot of questions, and makes me worried about them staying in the village. Will the zombies get them? However, I think that there are definitely some polishes to be made. There was a lot of tense-slippage, and the grammar was a little confusing at times. I think you could definitely make another pass on making it more understandable. I also think it was a little verbose at times, and could be cut down a bit, especially before meeting M. Meeting her is definitely the hook, and getting to that part should happen a little quicker, in my opinion. There was also a lot of unneccsary adjectives in my opinion, which kind of bogged down the pace. That being said, I actually enjoyed the dialogue. It could use a little adjustment, I think, but it was overall good. The mood was also very good, and very eerie. I do wonder what time period this is supposed to be based off of. Is this medieval, or 1800s, or distant future, or barely out of hunter-gatherer society? Including pills made it a bit ambiguous. Thanks for submitting! Excited to see where this goes

Well, his voice certainly didn't sound like how I imagined, and it can be intimidating to think about all the work that really goes into writing, so I can see what you mean

@aeromancer what are the 32 words?

Shapeshifting! (With or without conservation of mass) Teleportation/portals! waterbending! And of course the ability to read minds

Cool cool, thanks for the feedback everyone, and good points. I guess it looks like I'm good to go then. I think the tone is compatible, and as I said its not a huge part of the plot, but the story is a pretty soft sci-fi/horror romp and I thought it might be cool to include

Ok, so i would like your writerly opinions on an issue I ran into in my NaNoWriMo project: So, in this project there is a Lovecraftian cult kind of thing going on. I did my research, and I found that most of Lovecraft's entities/creatures are in the public domain. But I was wondering if just using one of Lovecraft's monsters for the cult (I was thinking Azathoth) would be in poor taste? Do you think it would be better to just come up with a generic entity that the cult could be based around? It's a pretty small part of the plot in this story, so I don't think it would really matter, its mainly just a matter of aesthetics really. But what is your opinion on this?

Just a note. I know it can be hard to recieve critiques that dont agree with your thoughts. Trust me, I know. But there is no need to get so defensive. I think this is what is making most of the negative energy in this thread. I promise we are not trying to attack you or your work, so there is no need to defend. If you come in thinking this will be an echo chamber, you will be disappointed. You can feel free to discard everything everyone says, but please recognize that we are not trying to attack you.

Ok, two big things: One, beginnings are very important. I personally dont think you have to cut the character, but consider why you have him as the one we are starting the story with. If we begin and see a character that we can empathize with, with the promise we will see them again, we are more likely to continue reading. Even if we have forays into characters who are not likeable or even despicable, we will come back because we were promised that we will see the one we like again. So ask yourself: is it really important to start with Q? Or could you begin with another character, another plotline? Two: let's talk about Zuko. He is a famous example of an "unlikable" villain who becomes a friend by the end of the series. But in order to do that, the writers had to do a lot of work. He is actually never that evil, despite being the antagonist of the first series, especially in comparison to other antagonists (like azula and admiral zhao) he also has admirable traits, and the viewer can empathize with his search for honor and self worth, despite his evil at the beginning. Now, I'm not saying that Q has to be anything like zuko, or even has to be redeemed. He can be what you want him to be. But if there isn't any traits about him that are likeable, I as a reader will simply not care. Sure, some people will like a heartless character with no empathy, but the majority of people will not.

Bruh. I'm shook. No need to flex on us like that.

Personally, I reserve the word "genius" for the single work that deserves it: For real though, this whole discussion is arguably just semantics, but genius is very very very rare in my opinion. For me, it's kind of like "true love". Neither happen instantaneously. They happen through years of working at it, sacrifice, compromise, and discussion. It very rarely happens with just a single person, too. Now, this is kind of beating a dead horse, and I apologize. I get what your original idea was. It can be quite surprising when you find connections in your own story that you didn't realize before! I am kind of the exact opposite with characters lol. I really don't like having to make up new one because then i feel like I have to give them realistic motives, not fall into caricatures, have something important to add to the story, etc etc etc. If I could, I would keep most stories around a dozen characters. Sure, huge sprawling casts like in SA or WoT can be cool and good for epic fantasy, but I find that I prefer when stories can be engaging without having to rely on a million CG soldiers for their climax, and when cool conflicts can arise between characters that would normally like each other and maybe even know each other well. I think that's one reason why I enjoyed Avatar Last Airbender so much, because even though there ended up being lots of side characters, who were all fun and cool, the main conflict remained between the Fire Family, the Water Family, and Aang. Also, could be that I don't like making new characters because most of my characters end up having the same voice XD (still working on that)

Yes! And then when Raboniel declared herself "Lesbian the Pursuer" and kissed Leshwi

Lol Good ole adamtots!

Mission accomplished I guess! haha yeah, that'd probably be in poor taste right now. How could I forget! There absolutely MUST be a love triangle, even if there is absolutely no spark or common interest between the characters. How else will we get out character conflict?

All the requirements for YA are so weird. Like, it has to be a certain length, can only be about someone ages 13-18 who is angsty and wants to overthrow the government AND/OR fall in love with a supernatural entity. Oh and their token minority friend who dies for dramatic effect. So weirdly specific

No, not really. He was just flying, and then suddenly in the alleyway. No need to apologize! Typos and stuff are completely normal, just helping you find them

Overall, the tension in these chapters was a lot better. I enjoyed them much better than the last sub, though Q still seems like he wasn’t in much danger from most of them. Also, the crowds and beggars and such seem to be just...there. They don't react to anything, and I'm not really sure what to imagine in regards to the people in this city. Are there a lot of people or just a few? Why do't they react to the fighting? And most of the pople fighting him still don't seem like a challenge, until V arrives. I’m more interested this time to see what will happen next! Pg 1 “the drug was nice” just nice huh “gangsters” I’m guessing you mean, like, gang members? Because for me “gangsters” conjures a very specific image of a guy with a cigar and a pin-striped suit. Which I’m guessing is not what’s on the street here I like the dialogue here Pg 2 “someone wearing beggar cloak” a beggar cloak “spooking the beggars” so how many beggars are there here? Is he passing them constantly, or are they spread out? Is he not worried about them seeing him? “the man grinned” ok that’s horrifying “she was P” what is P Also what is B Ok, so B is described later down. I would suggest to not have him mentally use the term before the description. But the idea itself seems pretty cool. Martial art astral projection type stuff “the Sources try to downplay is” the sources tried to downplay it. Tense slip. Nice fight scene. IMO much better than the previous chapters, as there seemed to be some actual tension and fear from his part that he might lose. Pg 4, ch5 “he is supposed to be…he chooses” more tense slippage in this sentence Pg 5 “his attire” I’m glad this got addressed. There’s some disadvantages to his coat after all “some random person” poor phrasing, I’d say. I think “bystander” or something like that would be better. A note though: can these people not see the spirit? Or are just not phased by the fight? Cause it seems like all these people are jus standing there like zombies, not reacting to Q grabbing them and such Pg 5 “threw his shield” he’s good at objectifying these people Pg 6 Im kinda confused about what’s going on in this page. How’d he get in the alley? Pg 8 “Slipped a toxin” so he just has poison on him? Why not use this before? “G grip loosened” G’s grip “Blackout” black out. “the best the Sources’ had” doesn’t need an apostrophe Pg 9 “fingerless gloves on them” why is he surprised by this? Seems like it fits the rest of her outfit Pg 10 “the gloves” again, I don’t see why he would question the gloves. I think that with the description of her gloves glowing, most people will understand. Pg 11 “Pain arced” I was really confused by this, especially after the part where he was just flying and then was suddenly in the alley. a description of the lightning hitting him would be good. Like a flash of light or something. Something to be aware of: V is the only one with an extensive description, and she saved Q. I fully expect her to team up with Q at some point.

0.0

Ok, so just a few notes on the beginning scene, then some line-by-line for the rest. I got pulled in until I realized I had forgot to do the short notes Ok, as for the first chapter in the sub, the setting was nice and well described. But for some reason it seemed a bit…I don’t know…romantic? Maybe I just watch too much Bollywood, but it reminded me of a palace love scene, with the pink stone and the window looking out onto the ocean, and Ir’s odd relationship to BK just made it seem weirdly intimate to me. (there was one part where he was described as slim or something, and I think that also contributed to it) Personally I think it would be way cool to have the juxtaposition of the lovely scene and setting with the Dread of having to face the BK…but he still just doesn’t seem that evil. If that was the point of the scene, however, then you nailed it. As for the magic stuff, I also think that its nice to finally get some answers, but I think it would be even better if there was just alittle bit more of the foreshadowing in previous parts of the book to how the magic works. And as for the part where he drank the poison… Friggin P O W E R M O V E Ok, now starting on the line by line Pg. 11 “hair shot up” I’m not really sure what to imagine here, so I’m going with the Angry Ghibli Hair Thing “names help focus” so she’s just spilling the details of the whole thing huh. What happened to the bird spies and all those “he asked accepting” he asked, accepting “offered with a touch” personally I think just “offered” is fine Pg.12 “Such as strong” such a strong Pg 12 “mash them together” #relatable Pg 13 “age of sixty” lol I was startled before remembering the whole medieval setting and all Pg 13 “with the incredibly long line” this strikes me as an awkward piece of dialogue Nice to see some development between those two! P 14 “under the weight of GW’s stare” Oh yeah I forgot that he was there. Maybe a mention of a curfew or something before this? P 15 “he’s plans to build” he plans to build On another note, I like her progress on this point. The university is a good point to bring up, and her personal knowledge of him gives this a lot of support as well. It makes sense why you wouldn’t really want to portray him as super evil if this is your point. To show this change in her mind. However…this is kind of hard to explain, but this just doesn’t quite feel earned yet. (sorry, that’s not super helpful IK) I think maybe because even from pretty early on, she seemed to accept that the BK wasn’t all evil. If it were a slower revelation, I think this part might have more impact. That’s just me tho. Pg 16 oh oof poor N lol Pg 16 “the O’s rump” is O a title then? Also, this feels at odds with the other scene. I think this should be a separate chapter I’d love a little bit of information on how charms work Ok, so I literally laughed out loud when he handed her the iron XD. That was kind of just surprised me, like when my own dog drops a piece of garbage into my hands. Except for it burns you! Wait I thought iron burned you, not froze you Pg 20 and now she’s in a crowd? Seems like a lot of jumping around I think this short little scene could probably go as her going to one of the other places. Like maybe she has this scene while walking with J to the resteraunt, or something like that. Pg 22 “trying hard not to think about it” NICE But this little section doesn’t really add much. Could probably be tacked onto another scene I liked that we got a lot of answers in this sub! And some good character development. It just seemed a little all over the place. I think some of these could be added to other scenes, as I noted.

Or like Bard magic from DnD Also, ironically, that's a super lyrical sentence

Not necessarily. The definition of a Mary Sue varies from person to person, of course, so I definitely don't have final say. However, I believe a Mary Sue is usually just a "perfect" character. That is, nothing goes wrong for them, everybody likes them despite glaring flaws, and if they do have flaws they are downplayed by the author to make them seem as acceptable, even if it is horrible behaviour. (they tend to be self-inserts, interestingly. Though not all of them.) I think a good example of this is in mainstream media is actually Harry Potter himself, but that is another rant entirely. So far, this character has kind of seemed like a Mary Sue to me because nothing seems to go wrong for him, but that feeling is offset somewhat by the fact that M doesn't like him all that much. I'm glad to hear that he won't always be like this though. I feel like the whole SH thing is fine as well. The genre-savvy reader will probably get that they're space wizards. Just a thought. You won't be able to explain to all your readers.

SHe pulled me in with her octopus spacehsip and kept me with her spooky woman vibes. I'm actually really hoping we see her in Mandolorian, becasue they never actually said what happened to her in Clone Wars! She just walked off after the whole "Wrong Jedi" arc. But its probably unlikely that we'll see her

Nice to meet you too! Welcome to Reading Excuses AND 17th shard! I think its safe to say that we are all nerds in some way or another. I think most people are. I think its awesome that you had a 3d animation major, as that was something I considered but ultimately didn't do. Again, welcome to the forum!

So, a little hack that I used: if you have an Amazon account, you can get Audible and im pretty sure you can get one credit for free. Which you can then use to purchase RoW. Unless you can only read it and not listen to it, which is understandable Also, @Ammanas, are you new here, or I'm I just too new to not have met you yet? Either way, nice to meet you!