ginger_reckoning

This was a very fun read! The characters were very well-established and enjoyable to read, and the humor mostly landed for me. The dialogue was also smooth for the most part. It took a little while for me to really get a handle on the setting, since the inclusion of a telepathic ostrich at the beginning led me to believe that this might be more random than it ended up actually being. There were bits that were confusing to me on a local scale, but overall the chapters made sense and I feel like I have a good sense of what the tone of the piece will be, as well as where the story will be going. One of the biggest pieces of confusion for me was the ID card. I'm not sure if its an intentional anachronism due to magic/time travel, or if where Q is from just happens to have those sorts of things. I do also agree with @FlowerGirl that the characters' voices are a bit similar, but for a humor piece where I expect most characters to be caricatures, that's not as big a deal for me. Also, many of the sentences were a bit clunky and required a reread to understand what they were trying to say. There also seems to be a tendency to cram a lot of adjectives into a single sentence which makes them quite wordy at times. I'm very excited to read more! Opening the doc now! Note: I’m pretty sure that one of your short stories was one of the first things I ever read on this website, and I remember it being very evocative, atmospheric and overall an enticing read. So, I’m excited to read this! Pg 1 I like the imagery of the first sentence, but it goes on a little long for my taste. Makes me want to scan it a little bit and look for the end of the sentence. Okay so a necromancer ostrich? You have my attention. “another pocket on the second” I kind of think it should just be “the pockets”. There’s been a lot of adjectives just in general so far, which makes it not flow as nicely as it could imo “god bless them” ha nice. This adds a lot of character Okay, further down the page you note again that they have a lot of empty pockets, I definitely think you can cut “another pocket” Pg 2 “like what you’d expect” lol “trash filled river” I like the imagery. Again, I think the sentence goes a little long for my taste. “thingies” Okay, I personally have called a p3n1s a thingy before, but didn’t realize that was a widely-accepted slang term. I must have picked it up subconsciously. You learn something new every day! “Barbed” ouch “Which part” glad you included this because the discussion of F’s collection distracted me from what they were talking about Pg 3 “libeled” lol “caught sight of a dog” this sentence is clunky, but the idea is clear “now you see why people” Why can’t people know that he can’t raise corpses? Because he summoned a giant worm and now people have a high expectation? Pg 4 “cook a loaf” lol. That would be terrfiying Pg 5 “convince a squirrel” Didn’t like this line. Based on your other stuff, I’m sure you could come up with something better. So is their main job as review writers? Pg 6 “F, what’re you…” I like this line a lot Hmmm intrigue, was it a prank that led to him becoming bird? Or was it intentional? “What? Writer.” I get this line, but it’s potentially confusing. Maybe “I’m a writer” Would be better. “regime in my image” This is a misuse of this cliché imo. I don’t think making a regime in one’s own image is a thing. Hsghkl! Hah, that’s addressed below. Nvm “use this an opportunity” this as an opportunity Pg 7 “of course not!” It’s not easy to get sarcasm across in writing, but this does it very well imo Q doesn’t seem to like F at all, are the two legally or otherwise forced to associate? Pg 8 “periscope” very nice Pg9 Immediately get a good sense of character “slightly curled up in a slight snarl” repeated use of slight is distracting Pg 10 “in the lowercase” Not sure about this line. Seems a bit meta Seems like J is actually a good conversation partner “orgasmic” lol I actually think it’s pretty intuitive that plants are alive. Even if you weren’t educated, I think you would know that. Pg 11 “that within the dead forest” that came from within? Pg 12 The bell bit is funny “point your bow” Hmmm I can’t put my finger on it, but I think there is a better way to say this in a more commanding tone “some of it escape” escaped Pg 13 “technically not in the city” okay, this got a snort from me Pg 14 “god, give her the strength” This reads as the narrator asking god to give her strength imo. I think this should be an italicized thought J is definitely my favorite Pg 16 Is it supposed to be a plastic card? Also, I don’t know what dag-goo-row is supposed to be.

Overall, good chapter. I agree with @FlowerGirl that P's memory seems a little inconsistent. I also thought that it was a little lacking in detail, but as you said yourself, this is just a rough draft so that's not a huge concern. As far as the logic goes, I do think it's a little odd that they would just give up on the search so early. It could just be that I don' understand the rules of faerie, and there is obviously something going on with not being allowed to move after nightfall, but it seems like A and the narrative is really just trying to get them to go to the ball, and I feel like maybe they could have done just a little more to try to find the kids before going to bed. Though that may be because A had...other things on xir mind and wasn't focused on the search. Speaking of, as I noted below, I'm not sure if P is actually nervous about spending the night with P or just "nervous". It read to me a little like P might actually dread having to spend the night with A, and I'm not sure if that was supposed to be the tone I was supposed to pick up. Pg 1 “been face-down…” Oof, that is unfortunate. I wonder, is it possible to use magic to repair and recharge the phone? “softer ground” that is very smart, but not very good for our heroes. “attending the ball” it definitely seems like the ball is being set up as a big, important part of the story. However, I’m not really sure how this connects to the next bit of dialogue Pg 2 “so we are all the way…” Okay, im actually really glad C explained this because I’m dumb and didn’t draw the connection “my guard’s beings” I was a little confused by this sentence. Xe is referring to beings that are subordinate to his guards? Would these be servants? Also, I think it should be that they are smart enough to not take the rarest color. “unless they did on purpose” unless they did it on purpose? I think? Pg 3 “but so much can happen” I’m inclined to agree with C here, I’ve heard before that the first 48 hours are the most important of a search, and like C said, the U could do anything in that time Pg 4 “the rested there at the end…” they “room for her and me” I’m not sure what this adds. Was it assumed that they would not also be going there? “my quarters” ooohhh, okay that explains the above note a little bit. Also, (0.0) “More than one bed” Ha! However, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be feeling here. Is this supposed to be humorous or legitimately scary? Because the “wicked grin” and P’s worrying makes me think this might be a legitimate problem, so I’m not sure what the tone is supposed to be here. Pg 5 “smells and the sounds (of) laughter” what does laughter smell like? Alcohol? What does E look like? “too many smells for A to take in” name slip “bad bargain” good thinking General note: I’m liking how there’s more descriptions of the surroundings Pg 7 So are all the other humans that are here also young? How old is the quartermaster? “oblong and door shape” door shaped? Also, that’s a pretty cool door! I like the description of the room as well But uh oh, only one bed

Pg1 This is just a personal note, but Ar and Ae’s names are similar, which might become a little confusing. Not a major deal though. “New England” I think these adjectives might be in the wrong order, not sure though “70’s” that sounds like a nice play to live! I think it should be typed out “seventies” though. “barely looked” in what ways does it not resemble a door? This may have been mentioned in an earlier chapter, but I’d like to know how. Is it the wrong shape? Does it blend in with the wall? I like the description of the tailor! Ironic that they would wear rags IMO “neutral party” that’s an interesting detail Pg 2 “food and pencils and” I think one or both instances of “and” should be removed “charge for” smart thinking Pg 3 I like the bartering so far. It’s interesting. “everyone wore gowns” That sounds like an awesome ball! Now I’m imagining a severe faerie lord in a black gown or something “they queen” the queen? Pg 4 “unicorn Pegasus” missing commas “the you would be right” then you “Granted” I would remove this word and just start with “most” They have been gone for hundreds of years?? Interesting “knowable” not a fan of this word. Maybe something along the lines of “all there is to know” “slipped away” relatable “they thought remembered” They thought they? Pg 5 “C glared” didn’t C just remark on how harsh Ae was being? This seems about the same level of harshness Pg 6 “Very east to commands” Very easily? “They fae often switch” The fae? Also, I think that this idea is interesting. It definitely feels like something a fae would do. Pg 7 “they live for, like what” I would end the sentence after “for” Eavesdropping is one word Pg 8 I like how the steeds are telepathic, and I imagine that it is probably pretty annoyed with A, considering that it probably views flying as mundane at this point Pg 9 “circled through the forest” I would have thought circle above, since they are flying “a leaf-wrapped oat bars” remove “a” “their but” their butt Oooh, that is a very nice hook for the next chapter! I glanced through the previous two chapters but didn’t read them all the way through, so I will avoid making too many notes on the overall story so far until I’ve done that. That being said, I found this chapter to be interesting! I liked all the little details about faerie and the culture of the fae, and I am excited to see a story play out in this setting. I’ve always like the mix of fantastic legalism that fae seem to bring to stories, so I’m excited to see how that plays out. I’d personally like some more details about the surroundings and sensations throughout the chapter. For instance, I noted the door above, which is described as not looking like a door. What makes it not look like a door? Does it blend into the wall? Is it oddly shaped? Does it have leaves and flowers growing out of it? Are the rooms and hallways nicely furnished, bare, made of wood, or stone? What does the stable smell like? Does it smell like manure, or does it have a different faerie smell? What exactly is so exhilarating about flying? Are there any unique features to the landscape other than fields of flowers and forests? Do they look different from forests on earth? Do the sun, sky, and clouds look the same? Anyways, I’m sure you get the idea. And, admittedly, the previous chapters could have had some of those descriptions, so I apologize if that’s the case. Still, I would like to have a little more physical description. Looking forward to reading more!

Pg1- I think it’s interesting that nobody wants to touch each other. It seems to fit in with the whole “don’t show or feel any emotion” theme going on here. “nonexistent” I would say “practically nonexistent” since you just mentioned that there is in fact a chance, just a very small one. “Tri” this is obviously a heavy title, but I don’t know off hand what connotations it’s supposed to have. “beat up a kid” the wording is a little confusing here “were younger, there was…” End the sentence after “younger”. Oof reading the word reeducation just fills me with dread Could just be personal opinion, but I feel as if gifted should be capitalized. “thinking about it,” again, sentence should end after the word “it” in this case. Pg 2 Okay, I’ll stop commenting on this, but it seems like there are quite a few run on sentences in here, often with unnecessary commas. Just something to keep in mind, I guess. Needing to constantly monitor one’s own thoughts for fear of literal thought police sounds absolutely hellish, it is a very compelling plot device IMO. “middle name” Ha, I also thought the name was a little strange. “I tell the mayor” I think this phrase could be cut completely. They can be reported at the age of six?? That’s extremely hardcore, and not in a good way Was the boy also reported? Pg 3 Also quick note, is she (I assume the MC is a she?) representing herself? “I’ve never heard…” this is a bit redundant IMO Definitely messed up that she has to weigh between two terrible choices Pg 4 “eyes are on my.” I think it should say “On mine”? I like that J just up and runs away. But I would like some description of the reaction of the people in the courtroom, it was full of people after all. Also, does no one chase after her? Pg 5 “they’re perfect J” Needs a comma between perfect and J Pg 6 “sombrero” I have no idea if this is a normal thing for J to wear or not. “privacy” I’m curious as to what this is. It’s mentioned several times, so I assume it’s an actual name for whatever they are referring to. Pg 7 “someone about the way” Something about the way? “Neither can I” So inside is an actual room with enough space that a person can be inside and not be noticed by another person also in the room? When the size of six feet was given, I imagined a space six feet across, so barely enough room for one person. I assume that it was instead six feet tall, then? Also, I’m wondering how what I assume is a big man got inside if she could barely fit, but that’s just a minor note. Pg 8 “Maybe he didn’t see her” It seems like he did in fact see her, but just didn’t care “You do not need to worry” lol “cold and pitiless” very good imagery “I bet he was” I think it would make sense for her to assume that he’s doing this at all times, having grown up with telepaths around. Unless there is some aspect to their power that doesn’t allow them to use it at all times. Pg 9 “I’m not suprsied” surprised I like the description of a car from someone who’s never seen one “super common” I think just “common” would work better here, using the word super comes off as a little unprofessional, or makes him seem younger. If he is supposed to be young, then that makes sense. But if he is just supposed to be an adult cop, I think the word “super” should be cut, or replaced with “very” So the cars are powered by the gifted? Oh wait she’s seen trucks before? Then wouldn’t she recognize it? Oh I see that’s lampshaded on the top of page ten. Pg 10 “either he’s good rough” good enough? “hoping to stop mountains” spot mountains? Pg 12 “JL, can you check her in?” This makes it seem more like he’s asking J to check her in. Pg 13 “just insult me?” This is actually a huge deal in the context of the story. Interesting to see that they may be above the law. Oh, so the gifted are actually also subject to emotionality. Interesting. Pg 14 “’That makes me wonder…” I don’t think this should be in quotes Overall, I think this is interesting. I like the ideas of the setting, and wonder how this dystopia came to be, and how some people got powers. As I noted above, there are a lot of sentences that are conjoined with just a single comma, which makes it a little hard to read. Most of those sentences should either be two separate sentences or use a conjoining word or phrase, such as “and”, “but”, or “in that case”. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable that J was able to just flee the courtroom without anyone stopping her or even getting in the way, since I assume that they assume her to be temperamental and a possible flight risk. I also think that some scenes could be a little more fleshed out, such as the conversation with the other J. It sort of begun and then was over, and I wish we could have gotten a little more characterization. Overall, I think the ideas and the story are good. I think the main area of improvement right now is in grammar and sentence structure. Other than that, great submission!

Alright, this is me jumping in at chapter 13, so sorry if I point out things that have already been explained :p. I will be going back to read the previous chapters though! Pg 1. “degrading picnic” is there a specific reason why the tables are considered to be degrading? Because they’re childish? Pg 1 “only makes me angrier” ha! Nice Pg 2 “doesn’t mean by feelings” doesn’t mean my feelings Also this may be part of the character, but I think most people take it for granted that people will act illogically, especially when it comes to relationships. Pointing out ones own illogical behaviour seems like Spock or something . Which if that is the point of this character, is a good job “I lean over…” I like this paragraph Pg 3 “I don’t think it was a big promise…” Hmmm. I think this will end up being a problem for them later, despite it being good now. “mom’s up for some…” WHOA playing dungeons and dragons with your mom?? That’s a cool mom right there lol “five new ideas” relatable Pg 4 “fighting” oh no “W Valley…” This is good for me since I haven’t read it before, but since this is chapter 13 I think the setting should already be established, and I think this could be cut. So it goes from “day” to “so” without mentioning the exact city where they live Pg 5 “third wheeling” This made me laugh out loud Well, she has a very nice relationship with her ex it seems. Pg 6 “social mead GPS…” Okay this is small, but this sounds like a 60-year-old man “That’s what he needs…” Red flag Pg 7 “tactful” how old are these people supposed to be? Because I do not think I’ve heard a teenager once use the word “tactful” Pg 8 “Indian food” yummy Pg 9 “his arm falls” oof that hurt me inside So far I’m getting the impression that you are very good at writing complicated feelings that come with relationships. Definitely a good strength to have! Pg 10 “a has waged war” this sentence feels a bit clunky The last couple of pages were very good, and the dialogue felt more natural to me. I don’t really have too many notes on them. I’m excited to see where this goes! 1. As for engagement, I think that its okay. The latter half was more engaging to me, and I think there a few scenes that could be trimmed a little (outside convincing E to come in could be a bit shorter I think) but other than that it was good 2. The characters all seem to have a very intellectual way of speaking, which comes across to me as a little dry in places. Also, during some of the dialogue ti was hard to tell who was talking to whom. Other than that, I like the characters so far. N especially seems like a sweetheart. 3. I don’t feel qualified to answer this yet

Overall, this was a strong submission. In answer to your questions: 1. I like the ending of this chapter 5 much better. I think this conversation is much deeper and gets closer to the heart of the real problem. It does put less emphasis on the importance of completing the homework, but if that is not going to be a main focus of the sotry I think it is a good move. I especially think the theme of what it means to be a good friend is good here, since that comes up later in the next chapter. 2. Not really! The end made me very sad, though. 3. I was surprised by MD's perspective, but I thought it worked. If MD never has another viewpoint, you might want to consider giving the viewpoint to someone like C or V, however, for the sake of streamlining. I'm also curious as to how V was able to calm mom down. 4. Yes, very. Even though this is a juvenile conversation, I found it devastating. I think its thematically sound for a middle grade book, as well. I didn't catch any glaring grammatical errors, so good job! I'm especially interested in how the curse seems to be affecting memory. Like the universe itself is trying to gaslight people

For me, it seemed a bit like mind control/ brainwashing because it didn't really seem like B had much of a choice in the matter. He recieved the heart, and was inexplicably drawn to her even though she showed no interest (also, yes, it came across that she was aro, at least for me) also the fact that her mother was absent for the whole story added to that I think, since it seems to imply that maybe she feels the same disdain for the father that D feels for B. The fact that the love was talked about as almost a sinister thing at times also contributed, I think (sorry, I know that question wasn't directed at me) What implications are those? That it's unclean....? Also could you expand a bit on what about it was abrupt? Idk, I think that's it. The abruptness came from B just being turned, and that basically being the end. I would personally like to see a little bit more resolution with her emotions, maybe B himself reacting, or D talking with her dad. It just ends rather suddenly. Maybe some more personal reflection?

Overall, I think this is an interesting idea. I agree with @aeromancerthat this seems more like a form of mind control than real romance, which is actually pretty horrifying to me. B doesn't really have any choice in the matter, and is left with a lifelong commitment to vampirism just because D wanted to fulfill her duty. That being said, I think that is a clever subversion of romance tropes, if that is what you are going for. I thought the ending was abrupt and didn't really tie up the story very well. Also, the flow was a bit off at the beginning with all the time jumps. Personally, I think that the segment about the heart being donated to another baby could be cut down to just a few short lines without any separation. The character of D is interesting, so good job with that Alright, opening the document now, excited to check it out! Pg 1 “This is your making” okay, this is incredibly creepy The same phrase is repeated again and it makes me uneasy “The doctors dig out her…” 0.0 Aw, I get it now lol. Still very creepy “Little D’s heart…” So right here, I don’t think this needs to be separated. I think you can just go straight into her heart being sold, and then maybe have the separation after “keep him alive”. You might not even need it after that. Either way, I think including separation on little parts that are only one or two paragraphs messes with the flow Pg 2 “some more abroad” IDK why, but I just don’t like the phrase “Some more” here. I think just “abroad” would work better “What you know” mmm yes deliciously creepy and a bit insidious See, I think the separation here at this part is okay because there’s more than a few paragraphs. “90%” I’d type this out as ninety percent, personally Pg 3 “tight-lipped” I like this imagery in association with vampires “the body of their perfect mate” lol, wouldn’t that be nice? No need to worry, there is an exact soulmate Okay, never mind that sounds pretty horrible Pg 4 Is the other person still just standing there? Okay, it seems yes “award winning flash” Might want to adjust this phrasing “and you’re really pretty” haha, nice. I like this guy’s confidence. Also feel bad for him, since he doesn't seem to have much choice in the matter Pg 5 I like this little detail that even vampires have to invite each other in “You seem to be more invested” lol relatable Pg 6 “you know how important” the way this is said feels a bit maid-and-butlery to me Pg 7 “octopus earrings” I approve Also, B kinda gets the short end on this deal huh? Doesn’t really have a choice in this Pg 8 Personally I would like to see this conversation, because it seems interesting to me Actually, on second thought I’m not sure it is necessary Pg 9 By this point, I really like the tone and the introspection. The beginning was a bit rough for me, though Pg10 Interesting how love itself seems to be the scary thing. Though It doesn’t seem like she’s actually considering how it would be for B, its more about her own feelings Pg 11 “—whole…” there are a couple of interjections like this. Each one gives all of them less power overall Pg 12 The implications of turning him in a public restroom are a bit…distasteful to me. “wipe her hands clean” oof that’s sad Kina ends abruptly

thanks for the recommendations all! I'll have to check those out

Hey, does anyone have any nonfiction reccomendations? Specifically biographies and historical stuff

I sent you my feedback for chatpers 2 and 3, in case you didn’t see that. On to chapter 4! Pg1 Did you mention they had chickens before? I don’t remember them if so. Oof, poor chickens. This same thing happened to my own chickens one time, but with a raccoon. Definitely not a pretty sight “very confused dog” okay, this scene hits hard for some reason “spherical down to his core” I’m a fan of the slightly unsettling character descriptions, but he’s consistently described as spherical and it makes me think of bigweld from the robot movie by dreamworks. Pg 3 Uhm what Okay that escalated quickly 0_0 Pg 4 My working theory is that V was wished into existence somehow by C with the woodstove Pg 5 I will say this chapter does seem a little graphic for school-aged kids, but then again if the kids are into scary books it shouldn’t be too bad. Idk not my area of expertise As a side note, I found the process of getting the chickens ready to eat to be interesting. “nothing left but ash and fumes” retroactively, I like how they were learning about combustion earlier. I just realized, that was a very sound thematic choice Pg 7 Okay, so with the energy transfer thing, I can’t tell if this is a physical thing that can be seen or just a mental exercise. Either way, feels kinda out of the blue here. Might want to mention this earlier or foreshadow a bit “you’ll learn something” HMMMMMM It would appear my hypothesis about the woodstove was correct XD 1. Yeah, I’d say they make sense for this bizarre town. It was surprising, but also made sense. The fact that the reactions were so mellow was what was weird to me 2. Pace seems pretty fast to me as I stated before, but that is likely a product of a lower word count. Other than that, I think its fine 3. Yes, I think so I have to say, I am enjoying this little mystery. My own grievance with it is V and the other kids, who don’t seem to have much time to be characterized. (Especially V, who literally just pops in)

Overall I was pretty confused by this chapter. I don't understand the stakes, why N feels the need to fight J, or what the RA even does. I think this chapter has a lot of cool ideas, but I am completely lost. If I were to offer a suggestion, I would say to focus more on the immediate goings-on, and the personal motivations of N. Why does he want to overthrow his brother? Why, specifically, is he so at peace? This read more like a chapter set in the middle of the book. While there is some interesting information, for the opening I want something that grabs me by the front of the shirt and demand that I read it. While the writing itself was good, I didn't feel that here. 1. So, this is in the desert. That's about as much as I got from the setting. I'm guessing that the culture is based off cultures from the middle east, with talk of separation of the genders and head wraps. Other than that, didn't get much of a beat 2. Maybe? hard to say, but my guess is that most of what happened could probably be summarized 3. Honestly, I want more connection with the characters. S and Z seemed more interesting to me than N, so since it seems like N is going to die, I'm guessing the story will focus more on them. If so, I'd like even more characterization from them. Tell me why I need to care about these two kids. 4. Definitely feel like too little. I have no idea why the RA is important, or what plans N is involved in. 5. I expect that I will find out who are what the RA is and why it is important. Alright, I’m opening the document now! The title and explanation intrigue me Right off the bat, this first sentence is very long. It kind of kills the punch of “boom, he thinks he might die” because by the time I get there, my eyes are just looking for a period to rest at. Pg 1. “it he technically” second sentence, I don’t understand what it’s trying to say here. “overthinking everything” telling, not showing “contemplating whether or not” I think this can just be “whether” Also, the first sentence of this one is very long as well. “watch them scramble” hah, I like this imagery. Reminds me of chess or something This third paragraph is actually a good way to show not tell that he overthinks everything, but I have no idea what any of this is talking about Pg 2 “all destruction” I like this description. Good characterization as well “was starting” it was starting. I think this is trying to sound conversational, but outside of dialogue I think it needs the object Pg 3. I think I need more of a hook to what the RA is and why it is important Pg.4 “S was a mutt” hold up. Not a big fan of this kind of language being used in the context of race Ah, is this character intersex as well? Neato Why would he want to fight J anyway? Is he trying to take the thrown from him…? Pg. 5 “agree to disagree” I think this should be italicized? Since it’s a direct thought? Hmmm that’s interesting that the princes also get married off Pg 6. Is it weird I actually want to hear more of the speech? Just for a little bit of information as to why they are all gathered, at least “red bird” totally the red angel, right? “gnawed” nice little detail Yep, totally the red angel “around her neck” small detail, but using the “her” pronouns seems a bit…Idk early? All we know at this point is that the figure is wearing a cloak Wait, isn’t S his brother or something? If so, the detail with the eyes is pretty weird… Pg 7 I like N’s internal panicking Ah, so challenging him to combat Wait, its over.

Hey, I'd love to read the revised chapters 2 and 3 and give you my first, unfiltered look on the revised versions if you want to PM me the chapters

New draft! This is exciting! It will be interesting to see how the characters change (Or don’t!) this time around. Pg 1. Unpopular opinion: I’m not a fan of the first line. This story isn’t really focused about murderers or solving mysteries, so I don’t think it fits the tone very well. (Unless this draft has murderers…?) In any case, its clever, but also a little cheap I think. Feels kinda like a “gotcha!” to the reader to me. Idk. “both diverse in their species and in…” I think this sentence could be simplified. Maybe “diverse in both their species and culture” or smt like that. I like the dialogue. Feels mostly natural, though there are a few sentences that are a little clunky imo Pg 2 Is “roastingly” even a word? “Fully twarted the summer’s” thwarted Pg 3. Environmental descriptions are great as always It still makes me a bit uncomfortable that they eat beef when they personally know several cows, but I do think it is an interesting worldbuilding choice. I feel like if there is a conversation about that to lampshade it a bit and perhaps talk about that aspect of the culture, it would do a lot for readers like myself. I like the detail that intelligent dogs can eat grapes. “rather useless ability” useless , ey? ;-) “recipes burning” I like this little metaphor. Pg 5. “pretend nothing happened” I like this paragraph “third m war” first off, nice foreshadowing. Second off, I don’t think a break is necessary here. I like that this meeting is at night instead of evening. I don’t know why, it just seems more fitting. On an unrelated note, Sue >:( Pg 7 “Ir preferred her at her shoulders” her’s at her shoulders “at night?” With the paragraph with the descriptions between the two havles of the dialogue, I had to scroll back up to remind myself what S had just said. Pg 8 “favorite rant” lol, that’s relatable “search homes whenever they want” I imagine they would already be used to this sort of behavior after several bad kings. S seems a lot more assertive early on in this draft. I like it, but it seems to alienate her earlier as well Fun fact: with the whole boiling people alive thing, Mongols thought that would stop you from reincarnating. I don’t know if that connection is on purpose or not, but I like it. I also like how Ir seems more certain about her position this time around. Overall, I like this revision a lot! I don’t have much else to say other than what’s above. I like that both sisters are more assertive this time around, and that makes me curious where their characters will grow to this time around, since they both seem more firmly set from the get-go. There were a couple sentences that were long and a bit confusing that I think could be streamlined, but other than that pretty solid. Sets up some good worldbuiling and characters, which is nice.

So, I was going to go back and read the chapter one, but I saw you have this revision of chapter 1 up, so I will just read this one instead to give a fresh look on the revised version Pg1. Nice opening line. The name C sounds like a person’s name to me This second sentence is a bit long. Could be separated imo Not a fan of present tense, personally, but that’s not huge “C is not only the name…” Ha! Called it Bicycle, huh? This dates this as more modern than I was thinking Pg 2. Okay, so I know I said I don’t like present tense, but I changed my mind after reading this page. I like the style of it. I reserve the right to change my mind again later “sturdiest-looking nearby cursed…” adjective overload! “wrong with the soil…” So there’s not a ton of worldbuilding yet, but if the entire world is like this, wouldn’t it be considered the normal? Or are they from someplace else that isn’t cursed? Pg 3. “if it has an end” again, if they are questioning this, wouldn’t the cursed state just be considered the norm? Like, the town is special compared to everything else as the only place that can sustain human life? (Wait, is C a metaphor for the earth itself? With the cursed land being the rest of the universe?) Ha, I like C’s reasoning here. Very logical and also childish. Good characterization Pg 4 “so if nothing happens” Good point. Can’t prove a negative “it’s hitting her friends” lol. Also, ouch Pg 5 “whether the curse is real” okay, the curse is definitely a metaphor for something. I’m sticking with the empty universe theory I believe Mrs should be Mrs. (with a period) Okay, so this is YA, correct? The school scene is very relatable if so Pg 6. Not sure if this is describing dyslexia or something magical I have never heard the word shan’t before. But I shan’t forget it now. Pg 7 Wait a second, I just realized that there is one boy and two girls in the main trio! Nice “How would she know…” okay, nope the curse is a metaphor for deity. “ nobody could be that rude…” knowing YA tropes, yes they could Pg 8 Okay, her full name is sick The fact that Wood Stove is capitalized gives me a weird sense of dread. “cue ball” nice Pg 10 Hmmmm kind of a fade-out kind of end. I would personally like more of a hook, but the fact that she may or may not be cursed is interesting. Overall, I really enjoyed this! The style is good and easy to read, and the tone so far is mysterious. I could see myself reading this, though it is noticeably styled for a younger audience. (But I could see myself reading this as a preteen) I am curious about what the curse could be. I would say that I connected with C, because of her logical, no-nonsense type of attitude. My biggest concern is that if its been around for a long time, and possibly extends forever, why do they see it as a curse and not just the way things are outside of town? I guess that’s why I kinda think it might be an allegory for something else.

Hey all, finals are wrapping up this week, so I'm back! I see there's a lot of new work here on the site which is exciting! I'm going to try to catch up a little bit, though it might be a little slower this week as I'm moving out of my apartment and finishing my last test.

Thanks!

Hi, sorry to drop off the map for a bit. this semester is turning out to be a lot busier than I expected, so i am going on break until april. I'll be excited to see you then :-P

Overall, I think this is a lot clearer, and I am definitely a lot less confuesd than last time. However, that may be from already reading this, but it does seem clearer to me. I also resonated more with the character, which was good. I'm still not sure if I could just begin a series from this point, but I do think that its better. I think playing up the "I like my friends, but I want to know people like ME" thing would be awesome, and that was definitely the thing that I related to most. Alright, opening the doc now. pg.1 so, just a question, is this implying that P planet can also move, since it has been in the system for only two hundred something years? Sorry if that's already been established I noticed some changes to this paragrpah from last time. I don't know if its that i've read it before, or if the way its worded is just easier to read this time, but it definitely read less like a text book compared to last time. Pla-pirates?? Like, dimension-hopping or something?? So far its easier to follow, but again, not sure if its because I've read some of your stuff now or not pg 2 "and he had more cushioning..." this sentence went on a long time, and I got a little confused I like the text messaging. That's a lot clearer, I think. pg 3. This is just personal preference, but I'm not a fan of parentheses. I mean, I use them a lot in my critiques and things, but not a fan of them in prose. But that's a bit nitpicky. "Salamander legs..." lol this is relatable. "this is MP" reminds me of when you're working on a google doc at like 12 at night and you can see that there's like two other people also there... "Technically" this is a nice explanation that was implied last time, but I like getting it straight as well. "They are yours" mmmmmm I don't trust this, M seems to be baiting her. If that was not the purpose, this might be a little too thick. "pay in information" but isn't your own moon a physical thing, and not information? oh, this is explained later, nvm "do not cross the void" sounds like an ominous death rattle to me. Or just confusing jargon. pg 7 "who look and think..." this is the one that has resonated with me the most so far. the raspberries thing is still incomprehensible to me pg 8 I believe the singular is capitalized God? Not sure if that's a hard-and-fast rule or not though. I like this last line

Thanks, these are some super helpful notes! I guess what I was thinking was more of a gender change than an actual sex change, with them being hermaphrodites but only having one set of genitals "active" at a time. (And then some secondary sexual characteristics, like the feathers, changing as well). I will definitely try to be more careful with not using gender and sex interchangeably in the future. And i will try to show more...personality change I guess? Because I'm trying to write genderfluid. Though I did not think about how that might "otherize" real genderfluid people, so...hm. I guess my characters will probably have to hang a lmapshade on that somehow. This sounds like fantastic advice, so I will try to make it as clear as possible in the next draft. And probably refer to sex L, since that is what seems to be more applicable to them. You know, part of me was like "but it's only one sentence..." but everybody brought it up, so... this seems to be the main problem. The main beat was kind of supposed to be "Ti wants Ek removed (and possibly killed if necessary)" but I think I need to emphasize that even more. Bes is the name of one of s. I think that might be WRS, but i'm going to make sure i mentioned that earlier just in case Thanks, this is a good point. The thought with this is that the emperor ran this orwellian theocracy and since Tik has been fighting against that he is pretty jaded against religion in general. though if I'm honest theres also probably some projection in there, so I guess that's something to be sesnitive of in the future. Thanks! Oh, I need to make this more clear earlier, I think, though I did put some little descriptors earlier. They look kinda like this, but without fins you know, I don't know. Personally, I'd say either is fine, but probably leans toward she/her since she spends most of her time as female. Though maybe they/them? or even xe/xer? Or maybe h/s? honestly I don't know, and will probably have characters just refer to her with female pronouns unless otherwise stated.

Sure, i'd be happy to read it or do an exchange. it might take me a while to read through all of it though

Thanks so much! Here's revised version of chapter 4 from a few weeks ago. Got a lot of new content, so i'm eager to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

Thank you!

Hey, sorry, but would it be alright if I had a sub for today? I know this is super late

Hi, sorry! May I also have a slot for tomorrow?