kais

Overall I like the world building and flow, and the detail given is fantastic. However, I am very confused. There are so many names, and such a steep learning curve for the world that I can't really get into the characters at all. I want to be in this world, and your descriptors are very realistic and hook me hard. Fewer names and potentially fewer character interactions, at least until we get the feel for the important ones, could help a lot. As I go - page 5: The pages before this were a blue of names again, and I had a hard time trying to figure out what was going on. Things started solidifying again around page 5. I still love the world building, and the handmaid is a nice touch, - page 6: black rot? Wood rots in two colors - white and brown. If it's black, he ripped off some bacterial buildup, not wood itself, or some damage by marine borers combined with bacterial sludge #woodscience - page 11: 'lady scholar' does in no way endear me to the MC, even if it is in-character for him

#DVpit still yielding amazing, mind blowing results. Just got another R&R request!!!!! And a few more !!!!!!!!!! for good measure.

Every time I see a new submission from you, I think will this be the orgy? Please tell me this is the orgy! Overall GAH! SO CLOSE TO THE ORGY, YET SO FAR! I can see Lasila's nervousness easily, so that part is fine. Her escort is intriguing, and I am hoping to learn more about him. Generally, the narrative flowed well. The dressing scene had a few drag areas, but the carriage ride was great. Seems like Robinski and Spieles echo the same sentiment. As I go - page 1: I like the gentle reprimand of Nalira. Shows the naivety of Lasila, too, that she didn't pick up on the 'simple' suggestion. - page 2: they're going to start with the face? If the dress goes on over the head, this seems like not a good idea - page 3: hahahaha....rayon as 'tree silk'.... I just, wood science.... - page 3: wow, she's really botching the honorifics today, isn't she? - page 5: trousers on women attract the wrong sort of attention, eh? Fascinating.

Hey Silk (unsure how to tag), could we maybe get this pinned for a bit? I think it's a discussion that needs to happen. So heeeeeey everyone. Here is your place to discuss all things pronoun related, gender related, maybe a dash of #ownvoices or QUILTBAG dynamics in writing. This is a safe place for questions, but expect honest answers. Debate is encouraged, but be respectful of those within marginalized communities. So, if the use of 'they' or 'it' bugs you, post about why. If you are having problems understanding why non-gendered or non-binary characters would be written, ask it here. If you write these characters and need guidance, post away! If you want to share stories, or offer your own expertise, please do so!

Welcome! Overall I'm not really certain as to the plot, and I don't have a firm grasp of the characters. A lot of time was spent in world building, and very little on personality and purpose. As a first draft it is intriguing, and I think with some expansion on character and motivation and some decrease in world, this would be a very compelling read. Looks like this feedback has been given above, as well. Your questions Death of guy 1: I liked this a lot. It was the one place I really felt tension in the narrative Battle scene: I was confused and therefore not invested. Some backstory would have to be given for me to care about this scene. As I go thoughts - first paragraph is enormous. Please break it up. My eyes boggle. This is not a good look for me. - page 1: 'the thing was bordered'. I understand and appreciate the use of 'they' as a non-gendered pronoun, but you will encounter a few more pitfalls with it over something like 'xie' or some other constructed pronoun. One such pitfall is this, where you have been referring to death (I think?), and then indicate something as 'the thing'. I assume you are referring to the steps? Yes? I'm not sure, because I could see where death could be considered a 'thing' as well, and sometimes 'they' is used to dehumanize instead of indicate non-gender (or outside binary gender). Long winded, but my point is this - you have to be a lot more careful with 'they' when writing. Make sure all your gender neutral nouns get strong descriptors, so that confusion is less likely to occur. As an aside, I actually started with 'it' in AFD, then morphed to 'they', then finally 'xie', as I perpetually ran into this issue. Using new terms also opens up a whole new world of distinctions of gender, if that's your bag. A number of us here on the forum write non-gendered or non-binary characters (hell, I'm non binary myself), and we all come at it from slightly different angles. I think maybe we should start a thread about this, because it does keep coming up and it'd be fun to discuss. - page 1: could I convince you to expand your jungle description? That's a pretty loose term, and I spend a great deal of time in jungles, so would love to see more on this. Not a lot more, but maybe, like, a sentence talking about canopies and tree type. - while we're on the topic of jungles, I assume your 'vines' are actually liana, yes? You're referring to the ominous, slithering vine-like things that climb up trees and slowly choke the life from them? Liana is a better word, especially for the context you're presenting. Ivy is a vine. Liana... liana are killers of trees. - page two, the poem: that the last two lines rhyme throws me off a little - page 2, temples: what is the shape of the temple? They come in many shapes. Jungle Kaisa demands descriptors! - page 2: internal temple descriptors getting longwinded, and paragraphs are very long. - page 3: there is a man tied at the alter, yet you refer to him as 'they'. Typo, or is this world building? - page 4: so now death can walk on air... I missed the power up. Confusion. - page 4: death is referred to as 'he' in the largest paragraph. Assuming typo. Happens again top of page 5 in 'him'

Overall - the chapter is clean and flows well. I've sent you LBLs, which are minimal. My one concern for the chapter is that it lacks tension. Until the end when Oz sees his apartment, as a reader I feel completely detached from the narrative. There are a lot of high stakes discussions going on with the council and yet Oz barely reacts to any of it. Awesome Always love the living wall descriptions Bores The entire council meeting. Too much talking, not enough emotion and reacting Confuses All clear on this one Disbelief That Oz would reject blood testing. I'd think he'd be at least a little curious, enough to pause before rejecting even. Welcome back!!

Overall This flowed a lot better than the first time around, and I enjoyed this first half a lot. A few minor stumbles, detailed below. Looking forward to reading part two again. Nice cleanups! As I go - page 3: the tags get confusing at the first dialogue section. It took me a minute to realize that 'the soldier' was Harth, not the approaching character. If you referred to Harth earlier as a solider, directly, that would fix it. - page 4: I like that Harth now makes a solid choice about hell or more battle, but I'm still confused as to why he makes the choice he does. He was tired of battle, and the imagery you provided was great. Why not just choose hell? A line or two of what he thinks the alternative might be like should he make it through the battle would be excellent. - I still enjoy the survey of the 'troops' - Are we supposed to known who the hoard represent, or are they just nameless/faceless?

No, but I hear about it all the time on Twitter. If you participate, give us the deets!

Works for me

Oh yeah, that one is totally bunk. http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?275132-Tirgearr-Publishing

Which one? Pandamoon is often around, and they're more just super SUPER small. There are a few that don't do too badly. Generally if the AW thread on them is decent, I consider them. But I have a special place in my heart for small press and indie press, since my nonfiction stuff is with one, and I adore them. They really work their butts off for you, royalties tend to be better, and you get a lot of control (at least with the one I work with). You're trading away a heavy marketing machine though, so there is always that to consider.

Small press here, too, and a mess of unrelated 'following/added to list/retweets' that are frustrating during events like this.

Nice! Glad to have a friendly face there, Eisenheim! A lot of activity usually happens around lunch time. I rarely get anything on the morning tweets. I'm also two in, but one like thus far (but not from an agent or publisher - an LGBT news org liked it).

Thanks! I'll post any of mine that get likes. I've done a few of these now, and do pretty well, all things considered. Trying some new style of pitches this time, so I am unsure how the results will be.

Overall I'm really curious about the world, but having a hard time connecting with the characters. Specifics on why detailed below. I did get ranty on the male/female balance, especially how the females are utilized initially. Some suggestions for how to fix that are below. I'd give it another chapter, certainly, because the magic intrigues me, but I'd really like a bit more internal workings from at least one of the characters. Your question Worldbuilding: I think the world building is fine, but the character building needs some work. I'm having a hard time connecting with any of them, or keeping them straight, because I don't feel any emotional connection. As I go - page 1: I enjoy the intro. Mysterious - page 1: tense changes all over the place here, and it keeps throwing me from the narrative - page 2: due to the recent popularity of Game of Thrones, you might consider renaming the Nightwatch - page 3: Names are starting to blur. There hasn't been an opportunity to really connect with any of the characters, nor any substantial inner monologues to give a sense of feel. There is some type of magic war going on, and a bunch of men. That's where my mind is at right now. - first full paragraph, page 6: This whole 'be silent' thing, with necromancers, is falling flat. I want to be invested in what appears to be a rich magic world, but there is no backstory, nor is there substantial information being laid out to help me become invested. It's hard to get any tension off of broken wards and blasphemy if I don't have a context to put it in. - page 8: Thus far, there have only been males in the narrative. A female ghost and female child are brought in to render emotion and help the MC grow. Please reconsider this trope. Women should exist in a narrative in their own right, not simply to further emotional growth and empathy for men. The fix to this could be as simple as adding a few female pronouns to the secondary characters early on, or making someone like, say, the pageboy, a girl. - page 11: The introduction of Lelia is helping somewhat, although I'm wary she might be a love interest. Hoping not, since she is described often as 'girlish'. - page 13: Is the ending line meant to evoke emotion? I feel like it is, but I'm drawing a blank. I think perhaps I missed something.

#SFFpit is TODAY, people! Anyone else participating??

Up for the following Monday as well, pending a spot.

Overall: I enjoyed the new POV with Savae, but was a little disappointed this chapter didn't just jump right to the orgy. I like the interludes with Lasila and Varinen, but I think they'd have had more impact earlier. At this point in the narrative I'd like to see the tension continuously moving forward. I'm not a big epic fantasy fan, though, so that could very just well be personal preference. Good read, regardless. I do agree with Mandamon - I enjoy Savae much more than Lasila for the same reasons Mandamon pointed out. Your questions: Bank scene: I'm not sure about that. I don't think I have strong feelings on this question either way Savae: I like that they took a bit to get introduced. It allowed us to get really involved with Lasila before introducing a new character. Works well. They pronoun: working well. No grammar issues. As I go: - copper paint on her face? Is there a base layer? That might not look great the next day, what with the greening and all - page 2: The inner thoughts about Varinen put Lasila much more in focus. This would have been great to have in the first chapter. I have more empathy for her character now, and care a lot more about Varinen. - page 3: She doesn't have faith in him? It seems more like she just has abandonment issues. Are you trying to show Varinen misunderstanding Lasila? - page 5: I really enjoy Savae and the use of the 'they' pronoun. Solid section

Overall: I enjoyed it. Pace was good, tension was good. My suggested edits are in the as I go section. Your questions: Awesome: Tension was great Bored: Not particularly in this chapter Confused: Still a lot of species and names. Only a few have cemented in my brain thus far Don't believe: That Amra and Prot have a healthy relationship. He isn't acting the best towards her, and she's just taking it. Minor characters: Other than Prot and Amra, none of the minors have really had an impact on me yet, so I can't answer this. Crew: See above. Still trying to cement them in my mind. As I go - page 1: the summary kicker doesn't read particularly formal. A 'Great Assembly' seems like it would have a killer secretary to do the summaries, and s/he would write very formally - page 2: I'd love a bit more description within these dialogue lines. It reads fast, but sparse. A few more sentences would help to really flesh this out better. - page three 'feeling of doom' would be more impactful if shown, not told - page 5: MC asks 'what as in these things?', but earlier he said he hated when he was right. I'm confused. He thought he knew what was in the crates, and now he doesn't? Suspicions were confirmed? - page 9: perfect customs scene. This is like my life every time I come back from Peru - page 11: She wasn't too upset? With the interactions Prot has had with Amra thus far, I'd be pretty upset. She's reading more pushover now - I like how the chapter ends. Good tension.

Overall Possibly WRS here, but I don't remember why Probitus has this internal conflict. That is making his back and forth about whether or not to torture Laurea hard to follow. It also seems really sudden. I think a bit more of a work up on his internal conflict would help a lot. I agree with Mandamon on the info dump. The first part was fine, and I was OK for maybe the first page. After that I had to force myself to keep reading instead of skimming. Your Questions The shape: No, I have no idea what she is. At the first description I thought giraffe, but then the head shape threw me. Likable: I like her in this chapter just fine. Conflict: See both above and below. It feels forced and not well developed. I think it could be rectified easily with a bit more inner monologue work. As I go - page 1: recommend, generally, against using 'rule of thumb'. It's colloquial, and has a bad history. - page 3: not sure 'hag' fits with how you describe her. I get the picture of a fiery older woman, secure in herself. 'Hag', to me, means more screechy banshee lady, or witchy. - page 5, and I still don't feel the names Laurea is calling the older lady fit her personality. It's like your MC is seeing a different person than the audience - page 6: cuttlefish, eh? I ready a really, truly, terrible book that involved gay male shifters and cuttlefish once....bad memories - page 8: POV change here is jarring. A --- would help a lot - page 9: I'd like more backstory before Probitus starts his thoughts on why he wants to make Laurea find a new mentor. Right now it seems sudden, a little staged, and I'm not feeling invested.

Bah. I'm in the Amazonian rainforest RIGHT NOW. My stories are taking a decidedly more deadly spin ATM though....

This ^^ I'm in the process of subbing AFD, and am at the 'end' part of that process (with R&Rs, and full requests, etc). I do find that a lot of the hand-written agent feedback I get mirrors the comments from this forum to some degree. Not everything, obviously, but I'd say about 65% of the time, the things that really get picked up by two to three people here, I see again in an R&R request from an agent. This place is great for pre-game.

Yes, we can. I was trying to help mitigate the bleeding Word document I sent via e-mail, wherein I may have subjected almost every sentence to a Track Change.

In the que also for next week.

I just sent you LBLs in the form of Track Changes in a Word document, focusing on grammar. As I Go comments in there, too. Overall, I couldn't get invested in this chapter. It didn't seem to move, even in the action scenes. The lack of emotion and introspection from the MC made me feel like an outsider looking in. The tavern scene did seem simply like a plot device. MC should have to work to get the information, not just drop some cash on the table. On the plus side, your grammar is getting better, your comma splices fewer, and your redundant adjectives are only sporadically rearing their heads. Nice!