kais

If any of you are subbing or sub-ready, a whole mess of Twitter contests are in June. I've had great luck with them in the past. Ones to look into: #pitmad #WCNV #SFFPIT (probably the most relevant here) #70pit16 I'll be out of internet range for most of these, so am setting up TweetDeck to participate. If anyone wants tweet help, or more info, just let me know.

Yes! If the story is a short, then it does change my perceptions. Speeding up the movement of the plot for shorts is absolutely necessary. This sub is 1/5 of your entire story, so we def can't spend ten pages talking about dumping spices. I do also wonder how you will work in that many characters in a 25K story arc, but I am open to the idea. I think it could totally be done, but might require some very tight writing. From your description of what you want for Amra, you're doing well. It may be difficult to establish her as dependent but not 'pathetic' (where pathetic is not the word I was looking for, but my brain isn't working), but it's going well thus far. In many ways I think dependence in an adult female can be the hardest to write if you're trying to make well-rounded, live characters. Good luck!

We meet again, neongrey. I'm holding strong to my 'ship, despite the apparent age difference. Thus, I read with eternal hope. General This chapter falls flat for me after the last one. Tension was building in the last chapter, also intrigue. This chapter presents as another world building chapter, with yet more financial stuff. The writing style changed, too, from flowery description to a more matter-of-fact style. At the end of this chapter I am left wanting our MC to hurry back to the goddess stuff, and to stop mucking about at home with her brother. I'm still really interested, but I'd love to see this chapter add meat to the story, instead of financial information. The statue she visits, the story, that was interesting. It would have worked better with maybe a convo with someone that told a different side of the story, or a broken piece of the statue causing some questions, or something of the like. Just something to give the reader an air of mystery before the banking starts. As I go - I'd like to plead for double spaced subs. Single spacing is hard to deal with on anything other than a large screen. - I'm still having a hard time with Varinen. Is he a character I'm supposed to empathize with or get behind? Right now he reads pretty flat and I don't find myself too engaged with his convos with his sister - page 1: she wasn't demure by nature? She has come off pretty demure thus far. Is she acting in front of her brother? I've read her as pretty passive thus far, so if she doesn't see herself that way, that could make for some interesting interplays - Shrine of the sleeping god statue. Has this been described before? The line 'effigy of a woman a god had once loved' is intriguing, but I get no visual. - second paragraph, page 2: I'm confused. What happened? The God was evil and then when he went to sleep, the woman turned good? Other way around? The text is confusing me. - "No more did the beloved daughters of Ilidria ride to war. Instead their fathers, brothers, husbands kept them safe from all that might harm them." This explains SO MUCH. Is there any way to get this in earlier? Inscribed on a statue that MC reads? Said to her by someone? - page 3: why is Lasila suddenly feeling reassured? Because a kind of creeper priest was demeaning a little? I'm unclear here - page 3: Hit that, Varinen! - page 4: bimonthly for shorter months? Wouldn't it be prorated for short months? - page 5: suggest 'refinancing' instead of 'renegotiating' in terms of loans. If the interest rate is low, refinancing works. If interest rate is high, refinancing wouldn't work, but consolidation would. If she has many, separate loans, she could save big bank by consolidating. If she is working on a variable interest rate, and the interest rates are going up, she should totes lock in a fixed rate. That would also save money in the long run - page 6: more thoughts on this financial stuff. Is there a reason you have gone into such depth on her financial situation? The section in this chapter with her at the bank could easily be moved into dialogue with her brother in the first chapter. As it stands, it is taking up so much narrative space that, unless the narrative is going to rely heavily on financial transactions / economy issues, it seems superfluous.

General This feels like a different book from the prologue, and also reads more like a chapter two. The world is interesting, and I'm connecting with the MC, but I'm left with a sort of 'why' question. There is a lack of tension that would normally come from something going amiss in chapter one, which would lead to this intro to MC chapter two. Except the prologue (which I assume was meant to do this tension setting) doesn't readily fit in, and I can't manage to draw the parallels. Something like a flashback for the MC to show why she wants to follow this career path (something tragic, preferably), or some incident to get us involved in the why could be very useful. Your Questions Convo: The flirting worked really well. The info-dumping did not. Suggestions in the LBL for how to help Description: This is hard to answer. Normally I enjoy description, but this lacked tension so I ended up skimming and having to go back to reread because I was trying to find the tension hook that normally exists in chapter ones. So I'd say yes, too much description for basically a character introduction, but a fine amount if you actually put some action / tension / why-ness in. As I go - first two pages: Sentences. Many of your sentences are long, or comma spliced. Suggest shortening to make reading easier. - 4: convincing interplay between the not-licter and the MC. Flirty, in a sort of just-met-you-you-might-be-a-creeper way. I'm engaged. - pages 5-6: the dialogue discussion of the magic system comes off info-dumpy. Personally (and this might just be personal preference, so take with a grain of salt), I like to see magic systems unfold over the first several chapters. It gives me time to process them, cement them in my brain. This dialogue happens fast and I'm afraid I will not engage as deeply with it as I would if it was a slower description, or done through showing. - 6: the flirting was good, the info dump sort of ruined the flow. Suggest adding some coyness in so it feels more like they're doing a verbal dance of information exchange - page 8: 'so it was not surprising, perhaps, that...' this reads like a change from Laurea POV to author POV. - page 10: I love the voice of the first chapter on this page - page 13: POV shift again in the second paragraph from MC to author and then to Janus. Whiplash.

Hiiiiiiiiii! Overall I'm not sure where the narrative is going right now. They're leaving a planet, I got that, and they trade in spices. It's an ensemble crew. Check. However, without being given any real clue as to why the MC is dumping spices and hauling anchor, I'm more confused than anything else. I like the diversity of the cast, and the interspersed world building caught my attention. Some aspects of the WB, however, were repeated several times. These instances could better be used to introduce more information, not repeat previous information. I am definitely interested in reading more, but at this point I am much more interested in the politics laid out than the characters. Your Questions: Awesome: As you likely know, I am a lover of the non-gender binary. Two males and a female to reproduce? Sign me up for more information. Bored: The spice dumping. Too many pages discussing spice dumping. There should be two pages, max, of this interplay before action is taken. You could move the actual movement sequences up five to ten pages or so, which would then give you room to insert a run-in with the authorities, or protestors (that would be amazing), or some other source of world-building tension that would keep the chapter moving alone. Confused: Did I miss MC's name? Assuming male gender due to facial stubble. Possible I just missed it in reading Believe: It's all believable right now. The interspersed steam and coal tech is a little eyebrow raising, but within the bounds of possibility Amara: I don't have much of a read on her yet. None of the characters are particularly fleshed out at this stage. She seems... dependent. Willing to take a more submissive role. There is no inherent problem with this, but if you were designing her as a BAMF or something, she isn't tracking that way currently. Description: Yes and no. I'd like some areas filled out more, like the protests. Some things are repeated too much, between thoughts and dialogue. I'm a lover of rich detail in writing, or, in the void of that, hard hitting action. This chapter introduces a lot of characters in a very short time span, with nothing really to hold it all together. I'd suggest picking one to two elements of WB to highlight each chapter, and maybe one character to really delve into each chapter. Let the world build though context, slowly, to make it more immersive. Some as I go stuff: - page one, your Latin genus and species (I assume). Genus is capitalized, species not. So 'labat' should be lowercase. Also, it's referred to as a 'capstone'. Capstone what? Capstone species? If you're hitting botanical, this has a lot of implications and makes me super interested in the ecology of this world - page 3: dryer 'than' most, not 'that' - page 3: I'd love a tad more expansion on the protest - page 4: it strikes me as very odd that an accountant has no sense for a good deal. - page 5: we've been discussing dumping the spices for five pages now. Time to move on, or raise tension, or something. - page 9: I'm not convinced here that Amra shouldn't be allowed to sell the spices. They're going to dump them. How could she possible do anything worse than give them away? If this is a purposeful catch indicating something like, I don't know, a problem with gambling or trusting or making deals, it'd be nice to have that hinted at just a bit more. - page 11: 'toed'? Did you mean 'towed'? - page 13: LOL at the gesture that ain't called for. - page 14: why is the MC upset about the price she got for the spices? MC was going to dump them. Surely some money is better than no money, unless MC was planning a tax write off or something? - page 15: ah I see, the explanation comes next page re cost of fuel and such. This should probably be moved earlier, or explain some fundamental aspect of Amra better, so the reader isn't left confused about WHY she isn't being encouraged to get some money for the spices that would otherwise be dumped

I'd love more descriptions of the body. That was a major pull point for me, and really drew me back into the narrative.

It's actually easier for me to make notes in a Word document with Track Changes than it is to have the document open and this window and type between. I blame too many years of correcting undergraduate papers. Full disclosure though - the pages will bleed. My graduate students can attest to this.

On the list for Monday as well.

Argh, then I missed the nude bit. LOVE. More description PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE. And dude, seriously. If this manuscript has lesbians and you want a full beta reader, PM me. This is totally up my alley.

I do appreciate the grammar warning. I am thusly prepared to dive in! (P.S. - if you ever want LBL edits to help with the grammar, let me know. I can do them just as easily in Track Changes, then send you the doc back via e-mail) Overall I waiver on this submission. I like the principle idea, but the delivery was mostly dialogue with little descriptors. I also didn't get a sense of voice at all. The scenes change quite a bit, without a lot of time or description of any. It left me with reader whiplash, craving more information and becoming less and less interested in the story the farther it progressed. I think your premise is strong, but the execution could use some work. And grammar, of course, is an issue, but that can be easily repaired. As I go: - second to last paragraph on page two is getting adjective heavy. - page three: in these climbing scenes, I'm having a hard time connecting. It's hard to do a climbing scene well. You might want to check out Wolfwalker by Tara K. Harper. Her climbing scenes are utterly breathless, and really give reader chills. You might be able to pick some language from there that helps add urgency to these pages. - page 4: Lumi's description of what happens is... hard to read. You're spending time on blocking that doesn't need to be blocked, and leaving out blocking that would help. For instance, instead of all the privy blocking, just say "as I came from the privy", then expand about where and how the blood was found. - page 5: if the guy was bundled in a long cloak, how does she know how much damage she did? - page 7: I started skimming here, and had to go back and reread. The flow is jumping, and I need more cementing within each scene to make me want to be engaged with it. For instance, you throw in a word like 'grimories', which is very interesting and immediately makes me mind go to 'Wicked'. Talk more about this stuff. Lay the groundwork. Just dropping neat words isn't enough. I want to know their place, their history. I want to be immersed in this world. - Is there a purpose to the non-standard spellings? 'Wytch' instead of 'witch', etc. - page 11: the stomach wound reveal would be more compelling if done through descriptive showing. Have the guy come in favoring a side, or holding a tray far away from his midsection. Draw suspicion. Have him brush against the edge of a high-backed chair with his front and wince, drop something. THEN have the dialogue. Build it up for tension. - page 12: poor polar bear rug. I hope they have a killer taxidermist

Welcome! First submissions are always fun. General I enjoyed the premise of this story, and would be interested to learn more. The POV shifts were jarring, and that sometimes made me leave the narrative to determine what was going on. I don't think the world building is too much, in fact, I'd like to see a lot more descriptors. You do a lot of telling, not showing, and that could be expanded out substantially to really build the tension in this world. I agree with Asmodemon about the pettiness. I also lack empathy for the main character. I don't mind him not having a name, but some type of voice for this chapter, some memory or motivation about why he is doing this would go a long way. Just an FYI - agents seem to not be big fans of prologues these days. I'd suggest either cutting this, or turning it into a full blow chapter. As you begin you subbing journey, you'll run across agents who won't even let you submit the prologue if they request material. As I go: - page 1: 'he often felt partitions were strange'. I've read this three times now, and I don't understand what you are talking about. This seems like a random aside, and is not well integrated into the above paragraph - A number of your sentences could be shorter, with fewer comma splices - page 1: I'm not really sold on why he is waiting. It stalls the action and just seems like wasted time. Could he watch the person while he waits at the very least? - Fury Priest - not a fan of this name. Priest of Fury maybe? Fury's Priest? - page two - your illusion to blood falls flat. This sentence could have a lot more impact if reworded. '...bearing strange reddish-brown symbols. God, he hoped it was ink.' would give this more voice. - 'he was clever enough to know...' is showing, not telling. Show us how clever he is through context. - page 2: a more detailed description of the mask would be nice. Really scare us with imagery here. Don't say the image is ominous. Show us. Make us feel it. - "I want, I wish to curse someone." This would be a great opening line to the prologue - page 3: 'the mask was really unsettling.' Suggest instead describing how the man is unsettled, instead of just stating it. Does he shift around on his feet? Fidget with his hands? Can't look straight on at the mask? - the priestess' language seems...very informal. She's wearing this wicked looking mask and just cooly talking. It makes all the ominous buildup filter away. - page four: '...while you think of him really hard.' This isn't a great descriptor. 'Think on him at length' would be the easier, more cliched option, but get creative. 'Think upon the wrongs he has done you' or 'Cobble together memories of his transgressions, perceived or otherwise' would be a bit more creepy - page 5: More description on the drawing of the Dhe would sell the 'essence of the divine spirit' better

ETA: oops, I did the first one you sent, not the second. Sorry! General As with the last submission, I really liked this. There were places were the description dragged and I wanted the plot to move, and they are noted below. Things really picked up when we got to see the dead goddess, and even more when the protag moved into the temple. I'm intrigued, already picked my 'ship, and am ready to read more. As I go: - page 1: inky plumage? These are the wings, yes? Black wings? - the third to last paragraph on page one reads.... difficult. Sentences need to be shortened and clarified. I'd also like more information on their banking issues. What I'm getting from that paragraph just confuses me. Are they or are they not in financial trouble? - by the end of page one, I have a hard time suppressing a desire to skim. I like world building, but its too much without action. Suggest making the financial discussion shorter and more succinct. - page four: 'breathless pink' is a hell of a descriptor. Love it. - I love the imagery of the goddess strung up and ashing from her extremities. Awesome. With all the other deep descriptions though, a bit more on the goddess would be nice. I'd especially like to know if she was nude, or clothed. If clothed, in what? Clothes and colors seem to have meaning, so her clothes would be of interest. If not clothed, is her skin flawless? Are there scars to remind of battles or rituals or something? - so by page six I am totally pulling for a f/f scene with Lasila and Maranthe. Shipping hard!

Are any of the rest of you subbing right now?

I'd like to submit on the 30th as well.

Sent you the line notes. I still love the market chapter. I love the color, the flavor, the prostitute and the street food. I really get into the narrative at this point. You've filled the chapter with all the little details I love when reading. No big things to point out here. Nice work!

Maybe do some Googling for images? The changing dress is so cool, and I feel like you're missing an opportunity to really engage the reader with the mentality of an eight year old. If I can help set the stage, in the mind of most eight year old girls, there are no such things as clashing colors, or too much bling. Walk around a Claire's store for research. Then watch some junior roller derby. Then watch adult roller derby. Then watch the Let It Go castle building scene in Frozen one zillion times, concentrating on Elsa's magical ice dress. Glitter. Sequins. Embroidered hemlines. Puffed sleeves. Empire waist would show youth, move to A-line when you want show some 'maturity'. Maybe her shoes are always neon green boots with steel toes with ruffled pink socks just peeking through. She's eight. You can have so much fun with this!

Side note before I get started, I love cursing. Love it in written form, love it in spoken form. Bring. It. On. General It read pretty rough. I'd have liked more description of the forest, and some backstory on Mark. The cursing did not bother me in the slightest, nor would the pervasive use of god - which is what I am assuming people mean by g/d? It was an interesting read, and I'd love to see it develop more. Your Questions Comedy: The cursing doesn't add comedy, but it does add flavor to Mark. I can visualize the kind of guy he is based on the language he uses, and it makes me lack empathy for him. That does make me more interested in the world, because a supposedly 'evil' group has kidnapped him, but maybe they just want to shut him up. Would love to see him get smacked around a bit. As I Go - Transition to paragraph two is rough. We already know Mark is in a forest. No need to reiterate. I'd suggest paragraph two be more describing the forest. There are lots of types of bloodsucking bugs. Maybe talk about a few? - LOL at his little amigo. - the dialogue on the phone takes a really long time. It could be tightened quite a bit - This organization just literally refers to itself as evil? Why? I'm also not sold on motivation - the end line doesn't have any punch. We KNOW he is in a forest. Suggest ending with something attacking him, or him seeing something strange, or realizing his leg is missing or something.

Hi! Overall I loved the world building at the start, and thought it was very well integrated. It got a little much towards page 3, and I noted where in the comments below. I'd be interested enough, based upon the first two pages, to read another chapter. The dialogue at the end though would give me pause. As I Go - page 3: why is gave in italics? - page 3, paragraph starting with 'Lasila drifted': The world building was good up until about here. I was enjoying it. At this paragraph it started to get tedious. I want action now, or tension. It was hard to keep myself from skimming through this paragraph and the next. Your Questions Confused - not confused so much as disappointed a smidgen. There were a lot of fun teasers in the world building in the beginning, and I hoped to see echoes of them in the dialogue at the end. Instead, the dialogue was very straightforward. With all the richness early, it felt flat. Lasila - seems reasonable for this type of book. I'm expecting copious political intrigue now Varinen - this character seems more one-dimensional thus far, but we haven't seen as much of him yet. I have no strong feelings about him one way or the other right now. Name transition - I had no issue with this

Sorry for the delay on this. Still playing catch up from my busy week. Overall I'm interested in some of the story concepts, but had a hard time getting into the story. The girl's dialogue is often unconvincing for an eight year old, and I am still really unclear on why she makes a sudden partnership with Silon. Generally, the text needs a lot more description. This world seems like it has the potential to be lush with world building, yet, descriptors are sparse. As I go - page 1: is she trying to trip herself? I love the idea of rolling down the hill for fun, magical dresses, etc, I'm mostly confused as to why she would chose that way to trip herself. Why not just start summersaulting? Why not pretend to be Buttercup from the Princess Bride? Why not turn cartwheels? - page 1: she has an outfit she can change at will, and we aren't getting tons of details on the outfit. This already is driving me insane. It's like your writing knows my soul, but you're holding back the joy. IS IT GLITTERY? SHINY? TELL ME THERE ARE RHINESTONES AND LACE AND RIBBONS AND CHAINMAIL AND THE BLOOD OF HER ENEMIES! (ahem, I'm done now, really) - page 4: would really like more description of the battle. Everything is very pared down. It's making picturing everything difficult. - page 7: the back and forth between Silon and Fate's Child isn't convincing me of the girl's age. She bounces between 8 and 40, on and off. Some addition of child logic would help this pop better - page 8: so does Silon want help, or doesn't he? The eight year old is talking circles around him. - 8: where does the eagle even come from? Super random. - page 12: POV shift is jarring. We started with Silon and moved to Child. Suggest keeping POV consistent within each chapter - what was the point of the jump off the cliff test? For that matter, why are these two even together? I don't understand the motivating factor for their working together - wouldn't someone who can see into the future know that dragonlings are real? Surely she would have seen them before? - page 16: please describe the scene. It's strong enough to have the girl throw up. Why? What does she see?

I'd like to submit on the 23rd, if there is room. Only a few more weeks before summer field season starts, and I leave the world of electricity behind!

I think we would make a very amusing morning talk show duo, Robinski

Being explicit would help. I got from it that she was 'simple', not PTSDed, and that colored my view of her actions. The chapter makes a lot more sense with a PTSD lens, and puts the whole thing in perspective.

Overall I've read a number of ball/intrigue fantasy books, so I am game for a fair bit of introduction, names, and dialogue. This had the start of that, but in order to really hook my interest, I would have liked more world building stuck in - world building that keeps my interest, like 'so and so is heir apparent to the unicorn mines of Kessel' or something like that. There were bits of this showing through - wings and such, but because the beginning has such a slow start, and the intrigue doesn't really have tension, I found myself bored. Pacing I think it is less about pacing and more about building. The pace is right for what you are trying to achieve, but the world is sparse. Flushing out characters, backstories, blocking - and not necessarily by adding more words but by making the words you do have really count, would help a lot. As I go notes - I've acquired a number of languages due to my living around the world, and after the first paragraph all I can think is "I see. A 'k' language. Hmmm.... gonna be throaty." *proceeds to practice throaty k sounds* - Warlocks smell like blood and poo? Warlocks need more frequent baths then. Somebody please inform the warlock council. - page 2 - 'there' should be 'they're' - at page three, the excessive adjective use is starting to toss me from the narrative. Run-on sentences are starting to creep up with increasing frequency as well - The dialogue exchanges on page 5 are jumpy and muddled. I'm having to reread several times to understand what is being said - Page 6, the multitude of character names is overwhelming. When this happens in books, I generally stop reading names altogether. - Page 7, blood hunting and blood farms pique my interest - page 8, a 'herd' is a group of animals, 'heard' is when someone hears you - Page 9, the liquid is pulsing? Actually pulsing? That's disturbing - page 11, "...a female guard with a single silver spear pin on his crisp white uniform..." male guard, or did you intend to use the 'her' pronoun? Although if this was intentional by some change and you're changing up gendered pronouns, count me on board! - the italics on the here at the end of the chapter don't quite ring true. The chapter could use a snappier end sentence Thanks for sharing! The wing part has me intrigued, so I look forward to reading more!

Overall I found the start slow, but got more into it the farther I read. LOVE the ending, and it makes me want more. Questions Works? I outlined below. Name change - works for me, but I was OK with the original, too Scribe - yes, I am on board with the scribe. Curious, too Keep reading? YES Too many questions? No. I am sufficiently intrigued, but not frustrated As I go - Adjectives: I second Robinski on this. There are far too many, and it becomes distracting more than helpful. - page 2, the crashing on the soul like a dozen fiery rocks from the sky - this seems a bit overblown. It took me several reads to really get it. Maybe 'crashed on his soul in waves' or 'crashed into his soul as a comet to earth'? - Ooh, nice ending!! Thanks for the fun submission!

Better late than never, eh? General I had a hard time getting into this. Part of it is likely because of starting at chapter 4, but a lot had to do with the inconsistent writing of Ellora and lack of empathy for the MC. I didn't feel any tension, and I'm more confused than anything else. I'd read more, certainly, but right now I'm left with a 'huh'? feeling. Your Questions Emotional response - I was frustrated by the almost bipolar nature of Ellora, and was confused about the MC. I'd really like to know more about the armor. Flow - I thought it was slow, and the info dump by Ellora at the end did not help. I would have liked more tension Exposition - yes, too much. Would like more description / world building, less info dump talking. I see the thread of an awesome story, and I want to dig it out! As I Go - Page three - Ellora pronounced the word weirdly. Could you explain this instead of telling? I'd like to get more immersed with Ellora. - Page 4 - if Jakob is going to get confused by Reil's words, they should be a bit more complex. "Exothermic reaction' is pretty standard English. Maybe get technical - "Carbon is being released from cellulosic compounds...etc etc" - page 5: they all bore obvious wounds. Describe! - I'm having a hard time with the writing of Ellora. Her childishness is portrayed somewhat in her actions, but not her speech. When Yvonne is found, that interplay makes some sense, but if Ellora is incapable enough to not know dead from alive, how is she taking in all the rest of the scene? The blend keeps throwing me from the narrative, and makes the character unconvincing. - page 10, the trying to talk like Ellora to get her to move. This would be a neat scene to expand a little, to give us a feel for how her mind works. It currently falls flat. Why is summer bad? Why wouldn't summer be good, thus causing her to run towards the flames? I'd love to see more complex convincing. - page 12 - Ellora giggling also seems out of place. It is making her childlike instead of simple - page 13, 14 - that info dump is really complex for how you've made Ellora out. - 16: Ellora does a lot of running off