kais

Welcome welcome! Overall The writing improved as the narrative went on, although I'm confused more than anything. There is so much information and no character development that I'm not invested in the story. Reading above it seems that others have made the same comments. I'd suggest for a first chapter flushing out the first part with the crashed ship and the woman getting pregnant. Stick it in her POV, avoid the info dumps and take us through the first few months. Let us learn about her religion and why she is sleeping with a man without exchanging names. It's interesting, and would be a decent hook if it were expanded. You did a stellar job with the English. There are general grammar flubs, but nothing horrible. Well done! As I go thoughts - I'm not certain how something can be 'almost-nameless'. It either has a name or it doesn't. Maybe the name has been forgotten, but it still has one then, it's just lost to time. - the first three chapters would pass better as Initia's POV, and not an author info dump - Same with the 'he was a weapon smith' paragraph. This is an info-dump. I'd prefer the woman come to this conclusion through assessing what the man is wearing instead of being told - So, wait. Her ship crashes, the man rescues her, he takes her into the jungle to...gather things? They have sex for a few months without exchanging names and then she leaves, pregnant. This is a very confusing relationship, and one that isn't reading too terribly healthy at the moment. - page 2, second paragraph. Too many names and titles. My mind is reeling. - A 30 year old is not a 'girl'. If people are referring to her as such this says a lot about their character, so make sure that is what you want conveyed - Page two, second to last paragraph: to - to get somewhere, two - a number, too - as in, too much, too many

THIS

*hopeful eyes*

Totally understandable, Robinski! No worries.

neongrey YGPM!

Putting out a call again for alpha readers for the sequel to AFD. Anyone?

I decided not to participate. I'm in contract negotiations with one publisher and another waiting if that one falls through, so I thought it might be in bad taste to participate. I was sorely tempted though.

Bah. I don't think anything is unfixable. You should see my first draft of AFD. I'm glad a I kept it around. What a hot mess.

Revision is what makes a good story! You started, and you asked for critique, so you're already farther than many. You'll learn a lot by working through the revisions, so I'd suggest to revise and resubmit. Moving to another project won't help you develop as much as a writer. As painful as they are, revisions, in the end, can be the most valuable learning tool in writing.

I'd like to sub next Monday as well

Welcome to the group, Alfa!

The last person who asked me this died in an avalanche that covered a burned village....

I think if you're going to have an explosion that takes out that many of the enemy, it has to take out a substantial portion of the crew as well, or you'd better have a solid reason why it doesn't. With as many antagonists as you describe, they'd be all over the place. For the explosion to only hurt them...at least some of them had to be near the crew. I call for at least a few crew deaths!

Welcome to the group! Overall The flow was decent, and despite my inherent dislike of soldier stories this didn't bore me. On the other hand, as others have pointed out, it is very tropey and I don't see how it advances your narrative as a prologue (also note, prologues are pretty out these days. Agents hate them). As I go - I'm having a hard time right from the start with the characters. The man leaving his wife and daughter, and the flowery imagery... it's meant to tug at the heart strings but instead comes off as a sickly sweet cliche - page 2 - POV is jumpy in these first pages, from the father to the daughter - final paragraph on page two is an author info dump - you'll want to watch the connection of 'ashen skin' to violent, bloodthirsty people - page 4: it'd be better to see the weaponry and mount distinctions through the protags eyes than just be told about them from the narrator - page 6: the village is burned to the ground - it would be more compelling if it was something different. Villages get burnt to the ground constantly. Maybe this one could be frozen in ice, or everyone could be roasted on spits in the courtyard, or there was an avalanche, or horrible sickness...anything except being burned to the ground - I greatly dislike the injuring of female characters (or killing them) to advance a male character's story or garner empathy for him. This trope is irritating at best, and horrifically sexist regardless. See the wiki page on the 'women in refrigerators' trope for more information: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_Refrigerators I'm glad you submitted, and hope we get a chance to read this again after some edits!

I'm excited for the conclusion! Overall I enjoyed the ending. I liked the twist, and the tension held reasonably well. The actual fight scene was a bit rougher to read, but I think could be cleaned up relatively easily. Your Questions Awesome Heart....breaking....adopting... Bored The fight scene. I just couldn't get invested in it Confused Fight scene blocking Don't believe Detailed below. The injury of all the antagonists but not the crew is just too convenient. Species explanation It didn't really stick in my mind because I didn't see it pivotal to the plot. I just went back and reread it and I still am unsure what I should be getting out of it. Promises yes, I'd say so. I feel satisfied. Satisfied See above. I enjoyed the ending a great deal Title I don't think it fits with the narrative; either that or I missed the reference. You could go with something obvious, like One More Run, or something a little more abstract like Shipping Home. As I go - thought on the epigraph - on real transcripts, are actions indicated in parentheses? If not, it'd look more official if it was noted in the same way a normal transcription would be. If yes, I withdraw my comment - pages 1-2: I continue to stick on Amra and Prot's relationship. Here, he treats her like a subordinate, not a lover. Not even letting her voice her complaint seems...not OK somehow - page two: 'handcannon in each hand' just reads awkward - end of page 3: excellent tension - page 6: there were parts? I want more details. Describe! - erm, so there were more than 20 antagonists against the crew. The crashing building conveniently took out almost all the antagonists but not the crew? This seems highly implausible. Too convenient. - page 13: the potential loss of Amra's childbearing abilities would have more impact if kids had been more pivotal to her character earlier on. It still works, but I really want to feel her loss, what taking this medicine would mean for her - aaaaand I teared up at the end when Prot suggested adopting a little girl. Right in the feels.

I'd like to submit tomorrow as well. Going to assume its OK since there are only two people in...yes? Any naysayers?

Speaking of this, there are a neat set of tests you can take on the Harvard website. They've been doing studies on implicit bias for years, and their findings are pretty neat. If you want to see where your biases lay, it's worth the time to take a few of the tests. They're on the long side, about 15 minutes each, but the results are worth it. https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

I hereby offer myself as queer tribute. I am happy to answer any and all questions regarding gender, sex, sexuality, or anything else on the spectrum. I'm not the best one to come to with trans questions as I am not a part of that community, but could offer resources on where to go for further information. Send me your questions. I am ready.

This is a big question with a pretty complex answer. The short answer is yes, there reasonably could be drugs that would work as you describe across species. However, as broadly as you describe your species, the likelihood of plausibility becomes nebulous. It would help if you clarified a bit more about the evolution of your target organisms. If theyr not all the same genus (guessing not), would they at least all fall under the same Kingdom? If we have to start dealing with cell wall versus no cell wall versus something alien entirely, it will be very hard to rationalize a broad spectrum poison. Within one species though? Sure. No issues there. I would analyze a compound by solubilizing it (acetone, acetonitrile, thf, DCM, etc, depends on what columns they have available) and then running the solute through an HPLC (high pressure liquid chromatography). The output is in the form of a peaked printout, and you match compounds from a database to known peaks. I might also run mass spec, but that might be overkill. Don't want your readers bogged down in too much hard science, either.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, Ghando43! I look forward to seeing some of your work!

Pit2Pub is THIS WEDNESDAY (July 13th), everyone! Anyone else participating? DO IT DO IT DO IT!

Quote function isn't working, but when you're ready to start thinking about publishing Waning, if you aren't opposed to small press, I think I have the right one for you if you want to avoid explaining NB characters every five pages.

I'm really glad I'm not the only one who keeps reading it this way.

I'd advice patience here. This is a good group, and generally very open to understanding of QUILTBAG issues. The more we write queer characters, in whatever form, the more exposure the group has, and the easier it is for the next prospective author to come in and feel comfortable in the space. Repeatedly explaining a nonbinary character is exhausting - I totally get it. But I've had a number of the commenters here ask me questions, both on board and over PM, about how it works, how one defines gender identity, and a bunch of, what I think, are eye-opening dialogues. Robinski, in particular, has been great at asking questions when he is confused about diversity outside his area of expertise. These be good people, they just need more exposure, and between your manuscripts and mine, they are certain to get it! *non-binary fist bump*