kais

I had yesterday off. I sat down in my favorite chair and spent eight consecutive hours editing chapter 26 in book two. Is there a writing marathon olympic sport (in which you basically stay in one place/chapter)? If so, I may have just medaled.

I was thinking of when she commented on him bringing back a husband, or something along those lines. I laughed. It didn't seem like a barb, more like a slightly edgy but still well-meaning sibling taunt.

I think we have six in line right now, so if you're out it drops to five, so capacity. If anyone else wants in, I'll drop out. I've been submitting pretty regularly.

Finally getting to this! Overall I enjoyed the first section. The death of the goddess colored the dialogue and had me really paying attention. The second half I was less interested in. I know it sets the stage, and it has good information, but these types of scenes, especially for an intro chapter, just seem...dull. I'd like a bit more conflict before we sit down and chat between brother and sister. Some tension, so discussion perhaps of things like, what if a new goddess doesn't rise? Does crime spike in-between goddesses? Does Lasila have a mystery client she needs to meet with soon? Just something to spark the imagination to get us through the sibling chat. Lasila From this chapter, I see her as very hard working. Very committed to her family (if only just through monetarily staying afloat). Concerned with keeping appearance, a soft spot for plants. Clearly going to have magic. That is implied through the flashback. Still a bit...passive in her reactions to the world, but I hesitate to say that because its only first chapter. I do say it because she's a lawyer, which is against society ATM, but when she talks about not being able to practice in a courtroom there is no anger. No fantasy of what she could if she could. When she speaks with her brother, it is calm. Not forceful, although playful. She's a very calm person, working with the system she has. This is fine, but it makes for a 'slower' character, one that can sometimes be hard to rally behind. I third this. First section is active. Engaging. Second is back to issues I had with the last draft. Also agree here. I have a very definitive sense of the world now. @Mandamon and I seem to track together on reviews a lot, recently. As I go - second paragraph lays out the society very nicely - discussion of goddess death really holds my attention - page three: that first discussion stretches a bit long. Shaving a few paragraphs off would help. I feel like it starts to meander in places. - I love the flashback to her childhood dreams!

*coughs* *coughs again* *backs out of the thread*

Welcome back @Shadowfax! @neongrey yes, best to have a fully polished manuscript before entering. Requests are everywhere during it, so you'd likely get a few pings, and then you wouldn't want to squander chances with a manuscript still rough around the edges. I think it'll run pretty regularly twice per year. I'm helping with it this time, so it's super exciting!

THE BEST EVER Twitter contest is coming up! #DVpit goes down October 5th for kids/teens books and October 6th for adult books. 8am-8pm ET. Info: http://dvpit.com/about.html This pitch contest was by far the most influential for me. At least twenty participants signed with agents/publishers from the first round (I'm one of them). If you and your manuscript fall into an #ownvoices lanes, THIS IS THE PITCH CONTEST FOR YOU!

I'd like in on the 22nd as well, if possible.

I'm having a very surreal moment. The timelines and maps of the Systems are being designed right now for AFD (the frontmatter). There is a real artist somewhere making a map of a fictitious story from my brain. Thats weird.

In fact I thought you had thrown a new name in when I first read it, because you abbreviated the father's name. Then on the second read I realized it was the father, so was doubly confused. I think your edits sound excellent! ETA: I do agree with @Coop. I noticed similarities to Vin and mist born cloaks and roof jumping right off. I was going to give it another chapter or so to bring it up, in case it veered quickly into fresh territory.

Welcome welcome! Overall Interesting. I'd like to see it fleshed out more, and have some quibbles below. I'm not feeling Riley just yet, and think reassessing how you portray her age and paternal interactions would help. The magic systems is intriguing, but I'd like more about it straight off, so when the sodium goes I have some clue what is going on. I don't think there was too much world building and in some places, a bit more would be nice. There are some tension dip areas though, where you might remove some of the wb and move to other areas. Overall, looking forward to the next chapter! As I go - page 1: I really hope 'frostwood' is an ongoing thing in here, because I love me some fantasy trees - The paragraph starting with 'The secret treasury' reads info dumpy. It'd be more fun to have her recall those events as she looks over more items. - page 2: I'm having a hard time judging Riley's age. Old enough to steal, young enough to live at home. It's a little distracting, but not horribly so yet. Just a heads up. Added to this on page three the father talks about her 'playtime', then invites her to have what I assume is a drink with him. Confusing. - page 3: missing motivation for why Riley wants to one up her father. And why she thinks of him as 'Reginald' sometimes and 'father' or 'dad' other times. I'd like a bit more grounding on the father/daughter relationship early on, I think, before moving into plot. - page four helps with the above, but might be needed earlier. If I was bookstore browsing I wouldn't have gone much past the first two. Page four hooks me, and for me, should be earlier. - page five: paragraph that begins with 'Injury was unlikely' reads infodumpy - page six: moves too fast for world building, and not fast enough for real tension. Suggest focusing on one or the other - page seven: the more roof hopping Riley does, the more I want a really sound paragraph or two on imagery of her jumping. You have a bit of one a few pages up, but I'd love to get the sense of exhilaration, of landing on different types of roofs, of dealing with wind. I want to feel like it is me doing the jumping. - page eight: Hello, fortifier. I'll be shipping you this chapter. - page eight: 'apparently grew out his beard to appear older' is all kinds of awkward - page nine: Woah. Wait. Back the chemistry train up. What is she doing to the sodium? I need to have a better idea of what elra are before this happens, because this scene took me right out of the narrative and way past suspension of disbelief. - page eleven: Hrm. Was looking for more of a hook ending than the one provided. It'd be nice to get just a bit more on the 'lady' part, than the suggestion that her dad is going to get called for her misbehavior.

I did NOT space this week, and did the LBLs. Just sent them to you via e-mail. In general, I liked this, but I think it still needs some kick. I kept waiting for a twist with rex they were fighting, and was disappointed when it was very cut and dry fight scenes (although Pascal enjoying herself a little too much was fun). I like the Oz/Hayden tension a lot, and see the love triangle much more clearly in this new version. Still missing the Oz fighting his foster father thing. I think this chapter could use one extra oomph - a twist in the rex they let fight, someone gets hurt who is a named character, etc. It’s almost there, just needs a nudge.

Have fun @Mandamon!

Just the really basic kind wherein we pull fungi from wood, culture them, then sequence them. Nothing fancy, but we do get name new species pretty regularly!

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but am traveling and not in a good place to put my thoughts together coherently. Posting now to remind myself to do more later.

Welcome @Hobbit! And hooray, another biology nerd! I'm in more mycology and botany fields, but do a stupid amount of DNA work myself. I have a thing for forests, too, which you'll encounter if you ever sub something with trees in it. I'm hoping you'll be around for a bit, because I'd love another biologist looking at my chapter of ASD with the dichloromethane explosions! Few weeks out from that yet, though. Again, welcome!

For me, it's the narration. It's fine to take your time getting some place, as long as you build tension as you go. For instance, the forest gets more magical the farther in she goes. This is good. But then you skip over areas that could build tension, like the log crossing (stream crossing? My mind is forgetful). Adding in elements of wonder that hint at what is to come (she can hear growling, the ground feels too firm, wisps are all disappearing into logs, etc), or just speeding your protags pace through the forest, would clear up a lot of that. LOL!! Well, if you need help building your forest descriptions, I'm here. Some people do space physics (*cough* @Asmodemon and @Mandamon), and some do macro biology. I'm the master of cellulose for a reason, you know.

Good luck with the sleep thing! I remember those days in a not very fond light, but you do get a neat baby for all your effort, which helps. Overall This does a lot for the Oz/Pascal ship, and gives us more a flavor for Oz as an adolescent male. I like it as an interlude, with some comments as noted below. I'm still going back and forth on your inclusion of direct discussion of Oz's father as a potential rex to be fought. That was a great surprise the first time I went through this, and I think it might not be as striking this time, unless you change that upcoming chapter. As I go - page 2: Dion and Oz seem to get off very easily for how much blowback happened on page one. Why does Krieger go from scary to 'pat pat they're just youth' so quickly? - page 3: Hm. Laying out the possibility that Oz might fight his father will take away from the awesome shock of just having that dropped on the reader's lap. Unsure how I feel about this change. - page 4: you have a typo 'whenWI' - page 4: how is Pascal's waist smaller than a year ago?? Is this implying she's lost a ton of weight? - I think you could land a better end line, noting the second to last line leading up to it. ETA: I didn't do LBLs on this, because it was new, but am happy to go back and do so if it would be helpful. Just let me know!

Overall I'm liking Lasila more and more as the narrative progresses, but Savae remains much more fleshed out in my mind. I also enjoyed Savae's moonlight nudity scene. Beautiful imagery. Specifics - page 5: just a mention - is Alaeria being purposefully obtuse in describing the actions of her son and how similar they are to the father? Those actions are pretty much every baby ever at that age. Is she saying it to make a point, or are we to glean that she doesn't have much experience at all with children? - page 7-8: the dialogue of Varael is very...thugish. So much so that it pulls me out of the narrative. He speaks like a guttered human in the 20th or 21st century. It adds a place, time, and species to what is otherwise a very fantasy-esque piece. Added to that, Savae did a lot of posturing just to be quelled by the pain. I was looking for some type of ability to deal with the pain, or to fight back. I was disappointed when they were apparently quelled. - page 8: I had hoped that Lasilia's vision going grey was a prelude to her looking in on the Savae action. Since it was not (I think?), I'm unsure why you have two POVs swapping out like this in one chapter. I'm used to seeing it when events are running tandem and then merge at some point. To just have tandem events, separate chapters could be used with less confusion (I see @Eagle of the Forest Path has similar comments here).

Also requesting spot on the 15th

Well, it's written. A little bit of everything got integrated. Thank you all for the help! If we ever work our way to chapter 17 in book two, I'll be excited to hear what you think of how it turned out!

Sorry! I have a bad head for names in the best of circumstances. Just keep beating me with the right spelling. It'll get into my brain eventually.

Is....is that a ninja emoji?

Really? But...I like him! I like banter. I love banter. I love respectful, flattering banter that is witty and reciprocated and appreciated by both sides. I love it with and without sexual tension. I love it in cafes, trains, McDonald's drive throughs, and on the soccer field. It's just so easy for me to visualize Quark in his fine clothes, bantering to get whatever it is he wants. Bantering with men, women, whatever will get the job done. He's a smooth operator, a respectful yet also manipulative smooth operator, and then he meets Moth and she's too young to be affected by it, and his whole modus operandi is out the window. I dream of the dialogue that happens between them. He tries to pick up someone at a cafe, Moth just steals their wallet. He tries to charm a taxi driver, Moth breaks into the computer system and forces it to take them to their destination. He tries to educate her on human interaction, she just wants him to hurry up. Of course, this may not be at all where @Robinski is going, but still. I WANT TO READ THIS!

Agreed. Apparently my attempt at humor fell flat.