kais

Which one? Pandamoon is often around, and they're more just super SUPER small. There are a few that don't do too badly. Generally if the AW thread on them is decent, I consider them. But I have a special place in my heart for small press and indie press, since my nonfiction stuff is with one, and I adore them. They really work their butts off for you, royalties tend to be better, and you get a lot of control (at least with the one I work with). You're trading away a heavy marketing machine though, so there is always that to consider.

Small press here, too, and a mess of unrelated 'following/added to list/retweets' that are frustrating during events like this.

Nice! Glad to have a friendly face there, Eisenheim! A lot of activity usually happens around lunch time. I rarely get anything on the morning tweets. I'm also two in, but one like thus far (but not from an agent or publisher - an LGBT news org liked it).

Thanks! I'll post any of mine that get likes. I've done a few of these now, and do pretty well, all things considered. Trying some new style of pitches this time, so I am unsure how the results will be.

Overall I'm really curious about the world, but having a hard time connecting with the characters. Specifics on why detailed below. I did get ranty on the male/female balance, especially how the females are utilized initially. Some suggestions for how to fix that are below. I'd give it another chapter, certainly, because the magic intrigues me, but I'd really like a bit more internal workings from at least one of the characters. Your question Worldbuilding: I think the world building is fine, but the character building needs some work. I'm having a hard time connecting with any of them, or keeping them straight, because I don't feel any emotional connection. As I go - page 1: I enjoy the intro. Mysterious - page 1: tense changes all over the place here, and it keeps throwing me from the narrative - page 2: due to the recent popularity of Game of Thrones, you might consider renaming the Nightwatch - page 3: Names are starting to blur. There hasn't been an opportunity to really connect with any of the characters, nor any substantial inner monologues to give a sense of feel. There is some type of magic war going on, and a bunch of men. That's where my mind is at right now. - first full paragraph, page 6: This whole 'be silent' thing, with necromancers, is falling flat. I want to be invested in what appears to be a rich magic world, but there is no backstory, nor is there substantial information being laid out to help me become invested. It's hard to get any tension off of broken wards and blasphemy if I don't have a context to put it in. - page 8: Thus far, there have only been males in the narrative. A female ghost and female child are brought in to render emotion and help the MC grow. Please reconsider this trope. Women should exist in a narrative in their own right, not simply to further emotional growth and empathy for men. The fix to this could be as simple as adding a few female pronouns to the secondary characters early on, or making someone like, say, the pageboy, a girl. - page 11: The introduction of Lelia is helping somewhat, although I'm wary she might be a love interest. Hoping not, since she is described often as 'girlish'. - page 13: Is the ending line meant to evoke emotion? I feel like it is, but I'm drawing a blank. I think perhaps I missed something.

#SFFpit is TODAY, people! Anyone else participating??

Up for the following Monday as well, pending a spot.

Overall: I enjoyed the new POV with Savae, but was a little disappointed this chapter didn't just jump right to the orgy. I like the interludes with Lasila and Varinen, but I think they'd have had more impact earlier. At this point in the narrative I'd like to see the tension continuously moving forward. I'm not a big epic fantasy fan, though, so that could very just well be personal preference. Good read, regardless. I do agree with Mandamon - I enjoy Savae much more than Lasila for the same reasons Mandamon pointed out. Your questions: Bank scene: I'm not sure about that. I don't think I have strong feelings on this question either way Savae: I like that they took a bit to get introduced. It allowed us to get really involved with Lasila before introducing a new character. Works well. They pronoun: working well. No grammar issues. As I go: - copper paint on her face? Is there a base layer? That might not look great the next day, what with the greening and all - page 2: The inner thoughts about Varinen put Lasila much more in focus. This would have been great to have in the first chapter. I have more empathy for her character now, and care a lot more about Varinen. - page 3: She doesn't have faith in him? It seems more like she just has abandonment issues. Are you trying to show Varinen misunderstanding Lasila? - page 5: I really enjoy Savae and the use of the 'they' pronoun. Solid section

Overall: I enjoyed it. Pace was good, tension was good. My suggested edits are in the as I go section. Your questions: Awesome: Tension was great Bored: Not particularly in this chapter Confused: Still a lot of species and names. Only a few have cemented in my brain thus far Don't believe: That Amra and Prot have a healthy relationship. He isn't acting the best towards her, and she's just taking it. Minor characters: Other than Prot and Amra, none of the minors have really had an impact on me yet, so I can't answer this. Crew: See above. Still trying to cement them in my mind. As I go - page 1: the summary kicker doesn't read particularly formal. A 'Great Assembly' seems like it would have a killer secretary to do the summaries, and s/he would write very formally - page 2: I'd love a bit more description within these dialogue lines. It reads fast, but sparse. A few more sentences would help to really flesh this out better. - page three 'feeling of doom' would be more impactful if shown, not told - page 5: MC asks 'what as in these things?', but earlier he said he hated when he was right. I'm confused. He thought he knew what was in the crates, and now he doesn't? Suspicions were confirmed? - page 9: perfect customs scene. This is like my life every time I come back from Peru - page 11: She wasn't too upset? With the interactions Prot has had with Amra thus far, I'd be pretty upset. She's reading more pushover now - I like how the chapter ends. Good tension.

Overall Possibly WRS here, but I don't remember why Probitus has this internal conflict. That is making his back and forth about whether or not to torture Laurea hard to follow. It also seems really sudden. I think a bit more of a work up on his internal conflict would help a lot. I agree with Mandamon on the info dump. The first part was fine, and I was OK for maybe the first page. After that I had to force myself to keep reading instead of skimming. Your Questions The shape: No, I have no idea what she is. At the first description I thought giraffe, but then the head shape threw me. Likable: I like her in this chapter just fine. Conflict: See both above and below. It feels forced and not well developed. I think it could be rectified easily with a bit more inner monologue work. As I go - page 1: recommend, generally, against using 'rule of thumb'. It's colloquial, and has a bad history. - page 3: not sure 'hag' fits with how you describe her. I get the picture of a fiery older woman, secure in herself. 'Hag', to me, means more screechy banshee lady, or witchy. - page 5, and I still don't feel the names Laurea is calling the older lady fit her personality. It's like your MC is seeing a different person than the audience - page 6: cuttlefish, eh? I ready a really, truly, terrible book that involved gay male shifters and cuttlefish once....bad memories - page 8: POV change here is jarring. A --- would help a lot - page 9: I'd like more backstory before Probitus starts his thoughts on why he wants to make Laurea find a new mentor. Right now it seems sudden, a little staged, and I'm not feeling invested.

Bah. I'm in the Amazonian rainforest RIGHT NOW. My stories are taking a decidedly more deadly spin ATM though....

This ^^ I'm in the process of subbing AFD, and am at the 'end' part of that process (with R&Rs, and full requests, etc). I do find that a lot of the hand-written agent feedback I get mirrors the comments from this forum to some degree. Not everything, obviously, but I'd say about 65% of the time, the things that really get picked up by two to three people here, I see again in an R&R request from an agent. This place is great for pre-game.

Yes, we can. I was trying to help mitigate the bleeding Word document I sent via e-mail, wherein I may have subjected almost every sentence to a Track Change.

In the que also for next week.

I just sent you LBLs in the form of Track Changes in a Word document, focusing on grammar. As I Go comments in there, too. Overall, I couldn't get invested in this chapter. It didn't seem to move, even in the action scenes. The lack of emotion and introspection from the MC made me feel like an outsider looking in. The tavern scene did seem simply like a plot device. MC should have to work to get the information, not just drop some cash on the table. On the plus side, your grammar is getting better, your comma splices fewer, and your redundant adjectives are only sporadically rearing their heads. Nice!

I am SO ready! Overall I like the rich imagery, as always, but the chapter does start out slow. It'd be nice to have some small scene that sets some conflict or tension before the dress shop. The interplay itself in the dress shop I enjoy, although I'd have delighted in the dress maker flirting subtly, or making some small inappropriate comment. This book is setting up more as a coming-of-age political intrigue, which makes it inherently slower at the start. This is alright, as long as you sustain some level of tension (the character tension is working, but a bit more would help keep it from stagnating in places). My mind keeps coming back to Kushiel's Dart, which is clearly more boom-chika-bow-wow than this (at least at the moment), but I think the level of heat-tension you need to set to keep readers engaged should come closer to that (doesn't necessarily need the same level of pay-off, but the tension holds). I'm also having some issues seeing what the stakes are as of yet, but I'd still be reading at this point because I want Lasila to get that mega awesome dress and go get her patron. As I go - Love the idea of wing dyeing. Why not? - "...she was seventeen, and she had been invited to an orgy." Yes. We have anticipation building. - page 6: LOL! She's getting all hot and bothered over rayon? The wood nerd in me catches here, because I've made rayon, so my perception of the whole world is morphing. Where are the bulk digesters kept? Why is this such a high end fabric? Why in the world would it be more expensive than silk. If you wanted to go with rare, why not spider silk from golden orb spiders? I just... it's rayon. Bamboo rayon maybe, or dicot rayon? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT ARE NOT RELEVANT! - I don't care for the end line. Something a little more catchy would work better. Maybe something like: "What was she going to do if Maranthe ...." something something like 'took extra interest' .... something to convey interest and some trepidation about the fun times ahead.

Overall Hmmm. I feel like the writing is straddling two distinct styles, and it keeps throwing me out of the narrative. You intersperse world building with talking and movement, but neither gets particularly developed, and it comes out choppy. This could be personal preference, but you have so many neat world building starts that don't keep going, that it actually makes me skim dialogue and action to 'finish the story' as it were. The pace of this chapter was much better than the last, but I think could still be sped up just a bit. I was expecting some more tension, or some action, somewhere in there. The crates stuff was GREAT, and it would have been nice to have another follow up convo about that between the protag and his gf. Their interaction really helps me 'settle' into the narrative, but I am drawn more to personal relationships more than anything in writing. I'm definitely still interested, I just want more when you start giving dialogue or world building, instead of chopping it into little bits. But again, this might just be personal style. Your Questions Awesome The reaction to the potential of opening the crates Bored The constant new species and names introductions. Too. Much. Brain. Overload. Confused Same as above Don't believe Still doing well here. Alien Dialogue Is hard to read, yes, but not so hard that I stop. It does give some flavor, and I am enjoying it Description I'd rather you pick one or two things each chapter to really focus on, instead of the multiple short snippets that get me interested then don't deliver. As I go - page 1: I wonder what the rest of Sureri looks like, too, with that comment - page 2: no love lost between these two species why? - page 2: I'm curious about Trader's Tongue, and would love to know more about it - page 6: I like the reaction to opening the crates. Tension begins to build here - page 10: couldn't wait to get off the xenophobic planet - this would be better to show, extensively, than state - page 12: there are just too many species and names at this point. I can't remember them at all. Might consider slower introductions if you want them to stick in our minds - page 15: I'd love more argument between the protag and his love interest. It helps develop their characters more than just about anything else, and grounds the story

That's not hyperbole, btw. Aheh.

Very, when things aren't burrowing under your skin, which is like 75% of the day.

Cloud cover is right, so just wanted to say hi from the Amazon rainforest!

To be fair, I'm not going into this blind, either. I'm published, just not in SFF, so I've successfully been through the query process, landed a publisher, published, etc. It makes the waters a little easier to navigate, because I do have at least some idea of what to put in a query, how to target, etc. I was getting partials and a few fulls before I started the Twitter contests for AFD, but the contests have definitely gotten me sub requests that generate feedback. That's been the key I think to really breaking through the fourth dimension as it were with edits. Also, the contests are worth it for networking if nothing else. Robinski - I would tweak your Twitch in this way (stakes first, always first): A soldier robbed of peace, Harth never expected to Wake and be forced to fight for his own deliverance. The more you practice at it, the better you get! Definitely keep Twitching!

Is a very attractive lady going to help her try on lingerie by chance? Aheh....

Up for subbing Monday too, if room.

Looking forward to seeing you in the trenches someday, Mandamon! I have found the twitter pitches to be incredibly useful. I make solid contacts, get opportunities to sub I likely never would have, and the agents and publishers who request my material are already engaged with it, so I get much more detailed feedback and usually, am more likely to get an R&R instead of a straight R. #DVPit was AMAZING, and I still have a number of full subs out from that. #PitMatch only allows three tweets over 12 hours, but I'm getting decent likes already. Hoping the SFF one will be even better!

#PitMad is TOMORROW, guys! Anyone else going to participate???