kais

OMG smgorden you're ALIVE!

I just sent you the line-by-line Generally, while I enjoyed the various reveals in this chapter, the action sequence dragged for me. I found myself skimming it towards the end. Realizing again that I am not your target demographic for this book, it felt longwinded and without much character movement. It would likely work better for me, anyway, with a bit more introspection from Oz throughout, especially in the break between the first fight and the second. Of course, love the reveal with Penton and the angst that causes!

Adding myself to the list for May 9th, should there be room.

I just sent you line edits to your e-mail. My overall impressions are that this was a smooth chapter. I have very little to comment on. I'd love just a bit more science on the meteor thing and the magnetic stuff, but that might just be me. As an aside, do we ever get substantial backstory on how Brides came to be? That'd be a fun remembrance for someone down the line. Great read!

Sending you a PM now, ecohansen

Hi! I've not read the first chapter, so the following impressions are not based on any backstory. As I go - page 2: I don't think you need to state that Nakamoto is Japanese. If people don't get that from the name, then that's fine. - page 2: instead of telling us the bartender is Chinese-America, show us through dialogue or description. Otherwise with this, and the section before it, it feels like you're forcing diversity through telling instead of just having diverse characters - page 2: "You only like white women." Purposeful racism? This type of line is under heavy fire right now and is a very loaded statement to make. If you're trying to show something about the two characters, it's working. - page 10: the interpol reveal falls flat. I'm not sure what to suggest to fix it, however. Maybe a little bit more personal backstory of Samantha first? Maybe an allusion to knowing Japanese, some sort of other skill that all the spies have? - page 10: The Nakamoto reveal is nice, but I'd like to see more of Samantha's reaction. She handles it too calmly, and it makes the reveal have less impact Overall I'm interested in the general idea of the story, but the extended dialogue lagged in sections. The last few pages, with all the reveals, were interesting for the most part, but then there were so many I started getting confused. I also would like to know how she can just leave death. Is she in a coma? Maybe that was covered in chapter one.

Hooray for the next set! As I go - page 1: I'm unsure on the personality of Eclipse. I remember him being mysterious, maybe a bit haughty. Here he is offering to keep an eye on the witch. I can't get a read on his personality - "...cleanse myself in time if I had done that." Done what? - page 2: if he likes silence so much, why is he putting up with her? If these two are romance bound, which I thought it did seem like from the first chunk you submitted, the tone now of 'blissful silence' grates a bit. It's a little too 'women don't shut up and are naggy', instead of what could be cute YA romance tension - Also not a fan of Salane whining. Why is anyone putting up with her at this point? - She's ranting. She has shown no indication of being scared. Why does he tell her not to be scared? Their interaction is going from cute to *head pat* very quickly - page 3: I don't understand what is going on with his hair. It tuns all white, but the moons are balanced in it? Shouldn't it still be partially the original color then? - How does the MC know his eyes are all white? Has he done this before, in front of a mirror? - His vision goes stark white, but his vision was already white, wasn't it? - last paragraph on page 4: I'd be glaring, too. Salane is only working with the information she has. MC isn't making good information choices. - page 5: I'm wondering what the point of doing these rituals is? They get all that power and do...what? Other guardians were out maybe that night, OK, but why? - page 5: why does Salane slap him? - page 6 dialogue at the end of the page - I am now completely lost. Why is Eclipse apologizing? - page 7, third to last paragraph - I'm getting whiplash from Salane here. I can't pin down her personality. Is she sarcastic? Weak? Afraid? Aggressive? - page 10: the dialogue between Salane and the MC is getting rigid here. They're bantering like adolescents. - 14: 'Honor System'? Where did this come from? - 17: science point - light kills this fungus? It kills the fruiting form, or the whole mycelium? Suggest that light makes the fruiting form shrivel instead and lose potency or something akin - 17: why does she want to be walked home so badly? She went after him into the forest. NOW she is scared? - 18: First indication of age. He's 19, which would put this in NA. The interactions trend heavily YA, possibly even MG. Might consider either lowering their ages, or changing up the dialogue. Overall While I am still intrigued by the premise, this section didn't hold my attention. The interactions with Eclipse were anticlimactic, and the persistent juvenile banter between the MC and Salane (and her bouncing from yelling to simpering every page) only made me irritated at the characters. It might be worth the exercise, at this point, to decide what audience you are writing for here. Is this a YA book? NA? You could then write dialogue for character ages accordingly. Questions Twin Moon Ritual It was interesting, but I don't understand its purpose. Why does he do it? Why does it matter? Conversation Flow I found it to be stilted and juvenile in most places. The banter was cute in the first section, but it isn't evolving, which makes it stagnate and become boring. Other Things I have a lot of the same comments as King007. I really liked your first entry, but this one fell flat. I'd like to see more action or suspense, and far less whining. Looking forward to what you have for next week!

Welcome (back?) to Reading Excuses! The 'as I go' comments - I am very intrigued by 'grape flavored smoke'. It makes my mouth water for some of the artificially flavored grape bubble gum - You are referring to the object of the man's desire as a 'girl'. His attention to her was very adult. Did you chose the word 'girl' with purpose, or did you actually mean 'woman'? If you are trying to show the POV of the man through that description, that's fine, but it does cast him in a very specific light. - When you switch to Kaya's POV, the third paragraph could be cut quite a bit. It is a huge descriptor dump. I tend to like this information more spread through the narrative, instead of in clumps, although I'm sure others prefer it this way. Either way, might be just a hair too long. - Page 4, the raven calls Kaya 'love'. This speaks a great deal to their interactions and relationship, and is either a little intimate or a little condescending, depending on context. She's clearly a professional, so having a raven call her 'love' raises some questions - Same sort of deal on page 5, when Mus calls her 'little one'. Are the animals all older than her, and serving as mentors (possibly raised her?). I could see that, from the language being used, at which point it is more endearing than anything else. Having her spin on the chair like a little girl while drinking wine is very contrasting imagery. Is she a professional, or a teenager? If she's both, is that why she needs animal guardians? Overall Thoughts I'm....I'm unsure how I feel about this. The writing is lovely, absolutely lovely, vivid, even scenic. It's beautiful to read and I want to bury myself in it. The story, however, leaves me with a lot of questions and some feelings of unease. How old is Kaya? If she's around 15, then everything makes sense (aside from her having this job, but I can go out on faith with that for a bit). If she is an adult, say, 18 or over, the language used to describer her and the way people and animals talk to/about her is upsetting to me. I don't want to get into the nuts and bolts of that, however, unless you really want me to. I'm really glad you submitted and I do look forward to reading more! Your English is amazing!

As I go - the Argus orb killing seems somehow anticlimactic. I feel like it is missing some evil laughter or another hidden plot twist somewhere - so, did the worms eat Illiriel? Could you expand that section just a bit? It has some neat imagery and I'd like a bit more tension with Saraphiel trying to save a dying angel, the hope in the hopeless situation, then the death - "Taunt all of you like, you won't win." I don't understand what she is saying. It reads like she is speaking Valley Girl. Like, totally. - Page 3 - dude just got eaten by worms and she has no emotion about it? Cold. Makes me less invested in her character. If she didn't care if he lived or died, why jump in after him? How did the worms not get her? I have so many questions - By the # on page four, I am a bit lost in the narrative. A star exploded and she can't get the creator to talk to her? Is that right? Does she have emotions about that? - Page 11, when she turns towards the singularity and her body locks up - why would she strike down god? I thought she wasn't listening to Lucifer?? - page 13 - so is Lucifer dead? The blocking in this sequence is very confusing General Thoughts I'm left with a vagueness about the narrative. It has good bones, but I can't connect with Sara because I see so little about her emotions. The battles are endless, always changing location, which takes up words and time that could be used for character building. I'd love to see some of the action paired down, more introspection from Sara, and some more defined action in the sections that remain. I really like the end, and it does make sense, but again, still vague. Tightening, trimming, and expanding could make this piece really shine!

Happy to, via PM. I had a number of successful tweets, and some not-so successful. The great thing about DVpit was getting to tweet once per hour for twelve hours meant you could try out a whole host of different approaches, and learn from mistakes. Sending you PM now!

Confirming that I'd like to submit for next Monday, should spots be available.

Got a full request from one of the agents that liked my tweet during #DVpit! Woohoo!

I do love me some Cthulhu. Actually, of the newish Lovecraft-themed stuff out there, the Cthulhu-rotica series is pretty stellar. All the tentacle, none of the racisms and sexism.

In case you've not heard, a heads up that FicFest submissions happen on April 24th. If you've got a sub-worthy manuscript, give it a go! (hyperlink provided)

That is the kind of thing librarians LOVE to help with!

Nudity? Sign me up! As I go - Switching between language styles (going from the person't direct, historical quote, to your writing of their words and thoughts) is jarring. I'm having a hard time staying in the narrative because of this. - The blocking on page 3 gets a little confusing between the first three paragraphs. I can't mentally work out what is happening - I got whiplash in the final paragraph on page three. Royall is just agreeing to go, just like that? Why? - Well now I just want a story all about Lascarina! Quote gimmick I like it, but it does pull me from the narrative, especially the first one. Maybe cutting some of them down so they are less jarring? Authorial voice I think this was more or less consistent. Your transitions needs some work, and some of the blocking was off, but those are less voice and more just general observations. General I am not familiar with 1930s boy adventure stories, so I don't know how best to give feedback on this. I was entertained in places, confused in others. I think it could do with some tightening, but I like the premise and didn't find it taxing to read at all. I second spieles on the Washington thing. I thought for sure it was a mole person, and was actually pretty disappointed it wasn't. Thanks for submitting this! Interested to read part II. P.S. Could we get the full story on Lascarina sometime? Please?

Yes! Great book!

The pitch contested ended well! I got 9 requests, which is amazing!

This!!! I want the nightmare to be real!!

Have you also noticed a surprising number of Peter Pan themed pitches? I had no idea that was such a thing.

From the creator of the event, she said that it is for both marginalized writers AND people who write marginalized characters. If you are a marginalized writer you are encouraged to self-identify with the hashtag 'own' or 'ownvoices'. There has been a big push recently by agents and some publishers to stock a more diverse clientele. I see this only as a good thing. I look at it as a full on Twitter pitch for the #ownvoices trend - marginalized writers writing marginalized characters from their own perspectives. RE: why would the industry discriminate against authors of colour/race; disabled authors, etc. if their work makes the grade? I don't know, but it happens all the time. I assume that agents and publishers want stuff that will sell broadly, not in niche markets. Therefore, what sells better (in theory): a book about a white cis-gendered, neuro-typical or something like: a young girl's journey with a hijab, a transsexual pirate, a black lives matter memoir? Marginalized writers have a much narrower pool to submit to (although that may be their own perception in some instances), so contests like these really let writers know which presses and agents really and truly want to connect with groups other than their own. RE: seem to have little to do with marginalised issues Most aren't using identifier hashtags (and with so few characters, who can blame them?), but many I see are from writers of color, which is awesome! Along with the idea of marginalized voices, too, is presenting worlds where these issues aren't issues, they are just par the course. RE: what makes an author marginalised? They left it open broadly to interpretation. Throughout the day I've seen a lot of body positive Tweets, which I wouldn't have thought of falling into that category, but hey, maybe there is a gap in the literature there I didn't know about. Generally I would classify this type of marginalization as anything that falls outside the white, neuro-typical, heterosexual, able-bodied, gender binary world (so, people of color, QUILTBAG, autism, handicapped, etc). Definitions will vary, clearly. I'd love to chat about this more, with anyone. I took the day off for jury duty this Twitter contest (two publishers, three agents and counting!!), so am around all day!

Haven't seen any kerfuffle thus far. Links? I'm waiting for jury selection (potential juror here) so have time to kill. My tweets are getting decent attention, which is a first for me in Twitter pitches. So woohoo for marginalized writers getting a voice!

At least I'm not the only pervy one in here.

We're only an hour in, but it's a lot of fun thus far!

Anyone else doing #DVpit tomorrow??