kais

You are awesome. Thank you so much! It isn't inconvenience so much, as internet paranoia. Yeah, I'm one of those people. *sigh*

As I go thoughts: - There are a lot of 'well's around. Possibly dialogue intentional? - HAHAHAHA 'wrong foot', quicksand.... much amusement - The eagle at Barrowton has rank? Interesting. - I feel like I missed something with the unicorn. Some joke I should have gotten... - Hehehe on the siren and sign language - Silver disability - I assume werwolf? vampire? Pure Dialogue I think it is fine as pure dialogue. Since they aren't moving and are just going back and forth, I had no issue following. Enough context clues sprang up, as well, that I did get a feel for the characters along the way. Jokes I think I got some of them, but I think I missed a lot. A lot are pun based, yes? I think I'm missing references for some. I got the foot and quicksand one. That counts for something, right? I get a cookie? Ending Like others, I also found the ending abrupt. If you have a word limit, there is some wandering in the dialogue that could be cut, and the words used in the ending. The woman reaches absolute exasperation so quickly there, that I think escalating her frustration either just before, or slowly through the piece, would help the end sit better. Length It got draggy in places, but was unique enough that I stayed interested. A suggestion would be to focus on one or two items that need the attention of the characters, and work more detailed in those areas. An enjoyable read! Thank you for sharing!

Asmodemon I'm fine with the length, but others will have to chime in. I'm also up for submitting on the 18th, assuming there is space.

king007 could you do me a favor and remove my name from your post? I work to keep my IRL name and online presence as separate as possible. Amusing, nonetheless, about all the name similarities!

Welcome, Ethan!

OMG HOORAY! for the R&R!!! I'll get to it tonight, so hopefully before you resubmit. Did they give you a timeframe to resubmit? Usually you're expected to take several weeks if not several months, and short turn around times can be off-putting. But if they gave you a deadline, that is a whole different can of worms.

Well, I just sent it off. Time for a panic attack for the next month?

Spieles and I came over from AbsoluteWrite, so are used to a much more 'just give it to me straight, doc' sort of approach to beta reading. You should see what we do to each other's manuscripts! Robinski I think you handled all the feedback with grace and introspection. I'm really looking forward to seeing the edited version! I really want to connect with Magdi, so am excited to see how her character evolves.

Guys! Finished the R&R rewrites last night on AFD! Now for a final proof read, and then it goes back to the agent. Wish me luck!

I have no problem with it, Eisenheim.

Finally getting a chance to read this! Woohoo! As I go impressions: - I always read 'Dumkald' as 'Dumkopf'. I don't know why. - Yup, I catch on the 'oh high commander' too. I sense a glimmer of her maybe using it ironically, but it is so jarring that I am thrown from the narrative. Following it with the word 'demure' doesn't help. If you followed it with something like "her posture was submissive, but her eyes spoke in a much stronger language' type of thing, I could see more fire in her, and that would help the words. - She starts to unbutton her shirt, and Harth knows its not the time. Awesome. It isn't the time. So he needs to say something or do something to that effect. Mitigating words to help the situation could be things like: "Magdi, no. You know I would never expect that from you." "Magdi, I appreciate your offer, but I need your mind, not your body." "Thank you, Magdi. Could we talk, first? As equals?" - She made no move to refasten buttons.... this to me screams damaged woman. Harth should be averting eyes. He needs to respect her damage, not play into it. - She looked lost, and she needed to feel something. Danger, danger Harth Robinson! These are not signs to sleep with a woman. Do not take advantage. Ask to hold her hand. Suggest talking. - Placing a finger on her lips to silence her: In terms of responses to damaged women, taking away her agency further is the opposite way to go. No silencing. If she needs to talk, let her talk. - Laying together in embrace - so did they or did they not have sex? If not, that probably should be spelled out better, because it gives me more respect for Harth. - 'To make an honest woman of you?' What year is this taking place in? If this is a modern work, this statement is derogatory. If this is 1950s or previous, it works, but it is grating nonetheless. - 'Or an eternity'. Not advisable to agree with women's depreciating comments. She degraded herself. He needs to uplift, not continue the degradation. - "And it did, his third time." What is this referring to? Third time of what? - When Harth and Fermarald chat about the women moving on and dalliances, they're talking about them like they aren't really people. That language could use some cleaning. - I'm still unsure about using parentheses in fiction writing. You pull attention to the narrator and away from characters and action - He stays his hand when faced with a crone or stripling girl, then thinks of Magdi. Does he only see females in these types of roles. In a twist, could he think of a competent female commander, then strike down the girls and crones, knowing they are just as capable of killing as a man? - Why did the horde flee? I don't understand what happened. - When Magdi 'dies' I'm left with even more questions about why people are chosen to go. Unsure if I should have an inkling of that by now or not. - Page 33, Magdi needed him? Did she? Seems more like he needed her, and she needed a therapist. - The Traveller hangs out with the horde? Is that right? I'm confused. - His waking up falls flat. If the dream was supposed to be about him realizing his love for Magdi, then I suggest you spend more time developing their relationship, examining his feelings, and less on horde battles. I don't necessarily mind the dream ending, as you can certainly learn a lot about yourself in dreams, but to have the impact I think you are going for, the reader needs to invest more deeply in the characters, especially Harth and Magdi. Post Reading Comments Was I entertained? The first half did entertain me, although I found some places confusing. The second part I did not enjoy as much, although the storyline was still engaging enough for me to want to read to the end. I think the bones of this story are good, but the execution, especially of Magdi, needs work. If there's anything you'd like to discuss more about, I'd be happy to. Polishing and editing are rough work, but worth it to see the manuscript all shiney!

Also requesting to submit on April 11th.

ecohansen - going to PM you.

I don't know. I don't work with ECM. I work with a very understudied group of soft rot fungi that secret extracellular pigments. Basically I tour around the Amazon with a machete hacking open dead wood and looking for color.

Enkidu FTW! Especially if there's someone going around sleeping with the ladies on their wedding night. That's just not cool. Right now I work primarily in the Amazon rainforest which, should you get far enough into my manuscript, will come through loudly. I don't work with edibles, so know nothing about morels. I'm more of a lover of the non-fruiting fungi, therefore I don't do forays. I did do an article for FUNGI magazine this last year, and was supposed to be a speaker and demonstrator at one of the big fungi events in CO (I think, blanking on the name totally right now), but ended up time conflicts and couldn't make it. The ending left me a little confused, so a little tightening might be advisable. I'm all for ambiguous endings, but this one skewed a bit closer to confusing. And you are correct - I forgot about the ceremony! Bechdel passed! Carry on, sir! Thank you for the clarification on what counts as brained and not brained. Veganism confuses me. Clearly, as my comments show.

I'm intrigued enough to want more!

OK, impressions as I read first, then will answer your questions. As I Read Hairy...hairy imagery. Strong. Effective. Enkidu? "...a timid creature that dined only on fungi." I realize you are short on word space, but as someone who works with fungi, now I want to know what kind??? On page two, your description of the soil microbes changes tense. Pick a tense and stick with it. Stachys plant? My mind goes straight to Stachybotrus, which is of course, not a plant. Write out numbers, and watch the comma splicing. In the final line of the first 'chapter', I really like the 'Jacob intended to earn himself a soul'. That is gripping. The two that follow are less so. Could that information be seeded somewhere else, earlier? And now into the second fungal description, I think I love you. The second 'chapter' is less compelling that the first, but I like the imagery more. This paragraph: ~Gwilyob strode to the front. His grandfatherly and flower-bedecked face assumed a mask of deep seriousness. “In renewing the land,” he said, “sometimes we harm a few creatures to create a better future for the many. That is sad but excusable. But when we harvest, we take. In harvesting, no harm is excusable. How can we know that in harvesting, you neither harmed nor coerced any creature with a brain?” ~ So that paragraph raises some questions for me, but maybe beyond the scope of your manuscript. If the people are so intent on not hurting microbes, how do they deal with the mycorrhizal fungi on the roots of the plants they eat? Are fungi classified as not having a brain (when in fact, science has shown they are highly intelligent)? Or did I miss something, and they aren't concerned about microbes, and literally just with things with visible brains? General thoughts post reading I like the writing style and found it a very easy read. I'm still murky on some things, but the second 'chapter' hooked me hard, and I enjoyed reading it. I was a little concerned that, noting that it had to be 'vegan' that it would be preachy, but I didn't get that vibe at all. I found it very natural themed, with strong science that I loved. Your questions Q1: I think shortening would tighten the whole thing up and make it a powerhouse. Lengthening would likely make it meander more, which it already does in places. Q2: Ooh, this one is hard. By the banks of the river doesn't really tie in that I can see. The mother falls flat and I don't think you lose anything by cutting her. Q3: Twiyoy - I didn't find her offensive (and trust me, I get worked up over women's issues), but I did find her vague and lacking any sort of personality. I'd suggest just cutting her. The narrative doesn't pass Bechdel anyway, so unless you can figure out a way to work in some better dialogue with her and another female not about the protagonist, I don't think the mother is worth the words. Q4: At first it was choppy, but as I got into it a flow developed and I loved it. Then the end sort of dissolved a little. I think cleaning the beginning few would do a lot to help the flow. Q5: I like the idea of section names! Some of them I didn't care for, but that's a minor fix. I thought they helped the narrative. Q6: I didn't see philosophical disagreements so much as one man's journey in a post-apocalyptic sort of land. If its disagreements you're after, edits are needed. However I think the tension held, regardless. Q7: The repetition knocked me from the narrative each time. Not a fan, but it wasn't a huge deal. Q8: Endings for...each section? Or ending of the narrative overall? Please clarify question. Q9: Flesh them out! I want to read them!!! Thank you for an interesting read! I work in forests and with fungi so I was super interested in the backgrounds and lifeforms you presented!

Yay, you made it!

So, I'm ready with mine. Anyone else? Are readers around, if no one wants to swap?

I used to live in Ireland. I know this pain.

It's been AMAZING on the west coast! I think today is the last day of it, which makes me sad. Also, I am finally almost through my R&R stuff, and the agent wrote me back today to respond to a question, so I feel all kinds of good.

So quite on the board today!

I'm still working on my R&R from the agent. Hoping to nail it. My full manuscript has been requested three times by other agents, and I am in limbo on those ATM, too. I've published before, just not in this genre. My current publisher doesn't do sci fi, so I thought I'd try to snag an agent this time around (last time I went direct to publisher). It's been an interesting experience. It's nice to see that agents genuinely like AFD, and the comments I get back in my Rs are really positive. So it's been a learning experience, but overall a positive one.

Up again for Monday, assuming there is room.

Ooh, yes! I tried to get into the full manuscript group on this forum, but no one ever responded to my PM. I've got about one more week of agent edits and then would like to submit the full here for critique. Looking forward to reading everyone else's, too!