kais

That is the kind of thing librarians LOVE to help with!

Nudity? Sign me up! As I go - Switching between language styles (going from the person't direct, historical quote, to your writing of their words and thoughts) is jarring. I'm having a hard time staying in the narrative because of this. - The blocking on page 3 gets a little confusing between the first three paragraphs. I can't mentally work out what is happening - I got whiplash in the final paragraph on page three. Royall is just agreeing to go, just like that? Why? - Well now I just want a story all about Lascarina! Quote gimmick I like it, but it does pull me from the narrative, especially the first one. Maybe cutting some of them down so they are less jarring? Authorial voice I think this was more or less consistent. Your transitions needs some work, and some of the blocking was off, but those are less voice and more just general observations. General I am not familiar with 1930s boy adventure stories, so I don't know how best to give feedback on this. I was entertained in places, confused in others. I think it could do with some tightening, but I like the premise and didn't find it taxing to read at all. I second spieles on the Washington thing. I thought for sure it was a mole person, and was actually pretty disappointed it wasn't. Thanks for submitting this! Interested to read part II. P.S. Could we get the full story on Lascarina sometime? Please?

Yes! Great book!

The pitch contested ended well! I got 9 requests, which is amazing!

This!!! I want the nightmare to be real!!

Have you also noticed a surprising number of Peter Pan themed pitches? I had no idea that was such a thing.

From the creator of the event, she said that it is for both marginalized writers AND people who write marginalized characters. If you are a marginalized writer you are encouraged to self-identify with the hashtag 'own' or 'ownvoices'. There has been a big push recently by agents and some publishers to stock a more diverse clientele. I see this only as a good thing. I look at it as a full on Twitter pitch for the #ownvoices trend - marginalized writers writing marginalized characters from their own perspectives. RE: why would the industry discriminate against authors of colour/race; disabled authors, etc. if their work makes the grade? I don't know, but it happens all the time. I assume that agents and publishers want stuff that will sell broadly, not in niche markets. Therefore, what sells better (in theory): a book about a white cis-gendered, neuro-typical or something like: a young girl's journey with a hijab, a transsexual pirate, a black lives matter memoir? Marginalized writers have a much narrower pool to submit to (although that may be their own perception in some instances), so contests like these really let writers know which presses and agents really and truly want to connect with groups other than their own. RE: seem to have little to do with marginalised issues Most aren't using identifier hashtags (and with so few characters, who can blame them?), but many I see are from writers of color, which is awesome! Along with the idea of marginalized voices, too, is presenting worlds where these issues aren't issues, they are just par the course. RE: what makes an author marginalised? They left it open broadly to interpretation. Throughout the day I've seen a lot of body positive Tweets, which I wouldn't have thought of falling into that category, but hey, maybe there is a gap in the literature there I didn't know about. Generally I would classify this type of marginalization as anything that falls outside the white, neuro-typical, heterosexual, able-bodied, gender binary world (so, people of color, QUILTBAG, autism, handicapped, etc). Definitions will vary, clearly. I'd love to chat about this more, with anyone. I took the day off for jury duty this Twitter contest (two publishers, three agents and counting!!), so am around all day!

Haven't seen any kerfuffle thus far. Links? I'm waiting for jury selection (potential juror here) so have time to kill. My tweets are getting decent attention, which is a first for me in Twitter pitches. So woohoo for marginalized writers getting a voice!

At least I'm not the only pervy one in here.

We're only an hour in, but it's a lot of fun thus far!

Anyone else doing #DVpit tomorrow??

Ze 'as I go' thoughts: - God is dead. You have my attention. - The first paragraph reads adjective heavy. I like the descriptors, but a few could be cut (don't need both 'crackling' and 'chaotic', for instance) - I'm a little hazy on 'Starpool' being discussed on page 2. Sort of like a Death Star thing, but a hoop instead of a ball? - 'Within seconds the group was dead'. Are you working on a word limit? I want details!! - 'His innate power coursed through the wings' this reads vague. Can you be more specific? What innate power? Some type of life force? - Ooh look, tentacles! My mind wants to take this story in a whole different direction now *cough* Cthulhu *cough* With that said, being the size of moons contrasts with the long, thinness of tentacles - Page 6, when the spear doesn't work and the Song turns to Wail, I really feel it. Emotionally gripped for sure - I'm confused by how something both implodes and explodes at the same time. Is this real science? I'm curious. - By page 9, and the dialogue "I will have you', and the angel being pushed down, combined with the tentacles... Unsure if this implied imager is where you're trying to go, but many people will head this way when the word 'tentacle' is used. - Last paragraph on page 10 - woah. Vivid. Totally working. Kinda bummed it's a nightmare. I'd love to explore that world - Temporal incursion - I was totally immersed, and this made me think of Star Trek. This never ends well, Saraphiel! Run! Hide! - Solid ending General You didn't have specific questions, so I'll give general impressions. I'm always up for a good god/angel romp. I enjoy the names immensely, and after about page five, the narrative flowed well and I immersed into the world. Several places caught, as I noted above. You have a number of comma splice areas and other places that could use commas, but that's for line edits if you ever want to go there. Adjectives are heavy in areas, too, but got better the farther into the narrative I got. I like the wing descriptions and armor descriptions. I wouldn't mind a bit more relationship building between characters, but I assume you are under a word limit, too. I have a number of questions about the galaxy they're in, and some of their weapons, but again, in a short story those may or may not be answered. I'll have more concrete thoughts after part II. Glad to have read something by you, finally! It was enjoyable. Thank you!

I sent you line edits via e-mail. Father/son relationship: The hair exchange still bothers me. It feels flirty, although it is clearly not. If Oz were female, it wouldn't stand out so much. I don't know what to suggest, other than perhaps more dialogue, maybe some gentle ribbing that bites more than it should. World Building: I'd like more discussion of what a 'green' is right off that bat. Other than that, the start was rough but once I got there it was solid. In the first chapter, I kept wanting to skim the world building descriptions. I don't think they're excessive, but they weren't engaging me, either. Once he was in the compound and with the firebrand, things were much smoother. BFF: Without the context of who she is, just dropping her name means it will be forgotten. Just a little thought or dialogue to give us some context on her would be incredibly useful, especially as you set up his other romance in this section. I'm enjoying rereading this!

Stepping into line for the 25th, but happy to back out if others want in.

I'll hop in then. Mine will be short, because chapter 9 is only about 1500 words, but chapter 10 is about 5000. Can't do both, so a short one it is!

Again, happy to give up my spot if Shadowfax, aeromancer, or some as of yet unnamed newbie wants it. ETA: In fact, noting the que that is forming, I'll officially drop out for this next week and see how things look for the following week.

Personally, I don't know enough about the world to determine what is overkill yet. Maybe people spontaneously heal from stuff like that. Maybe violence is part of life. Maybe they live in absolute peace. It's just too early to make these kinds of judgements.

I love the idea of bracing against the wall and pushing with legs. Awesome visual.

Shadowfax you can have my spot for Monday. I've been submitting a lot recently.

Ah hah! See, I know this virgin stuff, but my mind first went to traditional tales where virgin is seen more as just a young woman or girl. Maybe drop a line somewhere that uses the word 'experienced' (maybe its already there?), and put it in quotes so it forces the reader to notice?

I really wish this forum supported gifs. I really want to gif respond right now. Something witty. Something fantasy. Something on fleek, as it were. Alas, I am left with emojis.

Ooh, if we're only working with the two symbols, then I retract my statement about the magic system commitment. Very straight forward. Seat belts fastened. I am in for the ride.

Since this is a test run, I will skip my normal play by play comments and just go to overall discussion. Points of Note I was thrown off when Moon says he is technically human, since all the text leading up to that was very clearly making a differentiation between humans and him. It was startling enough to throw me out of the narrative. This is problematic because the narrative grabbed me by the shirt and shoved me into the world right from the beginning, and I was not pleased with leaving. Harrumph. I felt a lot of similarities to Elantris in these chapters, with the symbology and line art. I like the homage, and it gives the narrative a comfortable feel. Whenever I read climbing scenes, I always reference Wolfwalker by Tara K. Harper. If you're looking to emulate language that makes a simple climb utterly nerve wracking, that'd be the way to go. Up the stakes! You have witty banter, some probable sexual tension, magic, and a little fear of falling to one's death would really be the icing on the cake. I'm interested in the magic system, and the world building has me hooked. The interaction between Slane and Moon is stilted sometimes, and comes off as very YA teenager-y. If this is the intent, you are doing a great job. Those two are all kinds of awkward. I liked the dialogue between Eclipse and Moon, and that dialogue alone would have hooked me to read more. I am interested in reading more, and in the world, and will look forward to next week's submission from you! Magic System I wanted to specifically address this, because Sanderson deals so well with magic systems, and its something I've struggled with in my own writing. I'm left after these two chapters with some haze still on the system, and thoughts of Elantris. Is this the kind of magic system that we have a chart for at the beginning of the book (Daughter of the Blood style)? Or is more a system that is so straightforward we don't need a chart (Mistborn)? It'd be worth committing one way or the other, or at least spending some time discussing.

Ah, post-apocalyptic future with Rex, we meet again! spieles, unsure if you've edited since I last went through the draft, but thought I would go again anyway. As always, just ignore any redundancy. As I read - I wouldn't mind just a little more stage setting before the death seeps in. Maybe one more sentence? A hug from the father? Him helping Oz blow out the dandelion? Just a little more warmth to make the action really connect - wait, glass in palms why? (page 2) Did he dive through a window? - pretty certain I mentioned this before, but the listing of the dead on page three just always brings me right to Arya Stark. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. - Just finishing chapter one and I have to say that I am enjoying the action and this chapter a lot more this time around. I think it is because I have the context of the rest of the book already and, as you have seen from my writing, I am a background, transition, and description person, sometimes to the detriment of my own writing. I'm connecting with Oz, understanding the Rex, getting the snap of the final line in chapter one so much quicker now. Readers who love action will likely head right into the narrative without issue, but maybe it helps to have the perspective of a 'give me all the descriptions' type reader? Regardless, loving round two. - still catching on shoving soda machines. Those things are heavy. Does he tip it more, maybe? Is it on wheels? - If this future ever happens, I would totally be a Bride. Just putting that out there, you know, in case. - On page 14, where he meets Eleanor for the first time, and my heart is just all THUMP THUMP THUMP. Meeting means so much more to me now! On action It's still a lot of action for me (I assume that comment in your OP was mine, since I would likely say exactly that). This could just be personal preference, however, as I need my action interspersed with either large robots, space ships, or bantery dialogue (all at one time would make me wet my pants). For action readers the level of action is likely just fine. If you're going after the YA male audience, it is likely ideal. So the first few chapters still wouldn't hook me (as I would want a bit more interaction with other people), but since I'm not your key demographic, I don't think my opinion is the one you want here. By the end of the book I am totally hooked, so you do get to where I want to be eventually. Glad to see you submitting, and looking forward to reading through again!

Um, wow. Awesome language on your R&R. That sounds very promising! Your first paragraph still reads a little vague. I'd suggest cutting it down to two or three sentences, and make those sentences pack a punch. Suggest removing that you are going to 'tighten' the story. The editor wants a major rewrite, so that already implies more than tightening. You want to come across as ready to do the hard work right off the bat. The rest of that paragraph works, at least for me, as you've committed to major cuts and moving world building to the start. Your first question is awesome, and I think will give you meaningful feedback from the editor. The second could be clarified, as it reads as if you are unsure about where you 'told' instead of 'showed'. I hope this helps, and good luck!