kais

Also requesting to submit on April 11th.

ecohansen - going to PM you.

I don't know. I don't work with ECM. I work with a very understudied group of soft rot fungi that secret extracellular pigments. Basically I tour around the Amazon with a machete hacking open dead wood and looking for color.

Enkidu FTW! Especially if there's someone going around sleeping with the ladies on their wedding night. That's just not cool. Right now I work primarily in the Amazon rainforest which, should you get far enough into my manuscript, will come through loudly. I don't work with edibles, so know nothing about morels. I'm more of a lover of the non-fruiting fungi, therefore I don't do forays. I did do an article for FUNGI magazine this last year, and was supposed to be a speaker and demonstrator at one of the big fungi events in CO (I think, blanking on the name totally right now), but ended up time conflicts and couldn't make it. The ending left me a little confused, so a little tightening might be advisable. I'm all for ambiguous endings, but this one skewed a bit closer to confusing. And you are correct - I forgot about the ceremony! Bechdel passed! Carry on, sir! Thank you for the clarification on what counts as brained and not brained. Veganism confuses me. Clearly, as my comments show.

I'm intrigued enough to want more!

OK, impressions as I read first, then will answer your questions. As I Read Hairy...hairy imagery. Strong. Effective. Enkidu? "...a timid creature that dined only on fungi." I realize you are short on word space, but as someone who works with fungi, now I want to know what kind??? On page two, your description of the soil microbes changes tense. Pick a tense and stick with it. Stachys plant? My mind goes straight to Stachybotrus, which is of course, not a plant. Write out numbers, and watch the comma splicing. In the final line of the first 'chapter', I really like the 'Jacob intended to earn himself a soul'. That is gripping. The two that follow are less so. Could that information be seeded somewhere else, earlier? And now into the second fungal description, I think I love you. The second 'chapter' is less compelling that the first, but I like the imagery more. This paragraph: ~Gwilyob strode to the front. His grandfatherly and flower-bedecked face assumed a mask of deep seriousness. “In renewing the land,” he said, “sometimes we harm a few creatures to create a better future for the many. That is sad but excusable. But when we harvest, we take. In harvesting, no harm is excusable. How can we know that in harvesting, you neither harmed nor coerced any creature with a brain?” ~ So that paragraph raises some questions for me, but maybe beyond the scope of your manuscript. If the people are so intent on not hurting microbes, how do they deal with the mycorrhizal fungi on the roots of the plants they eat? Are fungi classified as not having a brain (when in fact, science has shown they are highly intelligent)? Or did I miss something, and they aren't concerned about microbes, and literally just with things with visible brains? General thoughts post reading I like the writing style and found it a very easy read. I'm still murky on some things, but the second 'chapter' hooked me hard, and I enjoyed reading it. I was a little concerned that, noting that it had to be 'vegan' that it would be preachy, but I didn't get that vibe at all. I found it very natural themed, with strong science that I loved. Your questions Q1: I think shortening would tighten the whole thing up and make it a powerhouse. Lengthening would likely make it meander more, which it already does in places. Q2: Ooh, this one is hard. By the banks of the river doesn't really tie in that I can see. The mother falls flat and I don't think you lose anything by cutting her. Q3: Twiyoy - I didn't find her offensive (and trust me, I get worked up over women's issues), but I did find her vague and lacking any sort of personality. I'd suggest just cutting her. The narrative doesn't pass Bechdel anyway, so unless you can figure out a way to work in some better dialogue with her and another female not about the protagonist, I don't think the mother is worth the words. Q4: At first it was choppy, but as I got into it a flow developed and I loved it. Then the end sort of dissolved a little. I think cleaning the beginning few would do a lot to help the flow. Q5: I like the idea of section names! Some of them I didn't care for, but that's a minor fix. I thought they helped the narrative. Q6: I didn't see philosophical disagreements so much as one man's journey in a post-apocalyptic sort of land. If its disagreements you're after, edits are needed. However I think the tension held, regardless. Q7: The repetition knocked me from the narrative each time. Not a fan, but it wasn't a huge deal. Q8: Endings for...each section? Or ending of the narrative overall? Please clarify question. Q9: Flesh them out! I want to read them!!! Thank you for an interesting read! I work in forests and with fungi so I was super interested in the backgrounds and lifeforms you presented!

Yay, you made it!

So, I'm ready with mine. Anyone else? Are readers around, if no one wants to swap?

I used to live in Ireland. I know this pain.

It's been AMAZING on the west coast! I think today is the last day of it, which makes me sad. Also, I am finally almost through my R&R stuff, and the agent wrote me back today to respond to a question, so I feel all kinds of good.

So quite on the board today!

I'm still working on my R&R from the agent. Hoping to nail it. My full manuscript has been requested three times by other agents, and I am in limbo on those ATM, too. I've published before, just not in this genre. My current publisher doesn't do sci fi, so I thought I'd try to snag an agent this time around (last time I went direct to publisher). It's been an interesting experience. It's nice to see that agents genuinely like AFD, and the comments I get back in my Rs are really positive. So it's been a learning experience, but overall a positive one.

Up again for Monday, assuming there is room.

Ooh, yes! I tried to get into the full manuscript group on this forum, but no one ever responded to my PM. I've got about one more week of agent edits and then would like to submit the full here for critique. Looking forward to reading everyone else's, too!

Interested in everyone's opinions on this, too.

I'm excited to read something from you! As I go comments - I like the title. It's active and already fills my imagination. Bonus, I see the 'S' tag, which means I'm already on board with the narrative. - need commas: ... and its stink, mercifully, was absent too - ...unseen ax HAD hacked... delete 'had'. Same with next sentence. Minimize passive voice - ...side of a road through a short valley.' reads awkward. - 'The flanking hills...' sentence is a run-on. - 'Harth was picking...' suggest 'Harth picked himself...' - "He was tall, grey-haired and walked with confidence, was unarmed that Harth could see, and favoured his left side. Harth felt good, strong, like he could take this man with his bare hands, but he did not seem like an enemy. " Why didn't he seem like an enemy? Noting the description I can't get a feeling either way. - I thought Harth didn't know where he was? The banter with the other man makes it seem like Harth knows exactly where he is - "... had been a whore- her rough..." suggest dash instead of ellipse. - I don't understand...is there a choice being given? Harth can either go to hell or go with the man to do more battle? If so, noting Harth's strong reaction to not being done with fighting, wouldn't he choose hell? - The paragraph that begins with 'Replenished with the likes of him...' I find confusing. Is Harth part of the hoard? Is he wondering why he isn't manning the other side of...the bridge to heaven? Other side of what bridge? - "I might as well have passed hell's gates." Wasn't this made clear when he was offered the choice? I don't understand why he didn't just go to hell. - "...silenced Harth as they walked on in silence." Redundant - I feel like the narrative finds its stride about page nine - hooray for female warriors! - "...but all the victims of war." Oooh, haunting. - "The sitting room was spacious..." sentence needs some punctuation - The buildup to the hoard fight seems long. I started skimming because the paragraphs seemed the same. Might want to shorten - "...and black mass of bodies..." black mass? Is it black because the lighting is poor? 'Dark' would be a better choice. - I have feels about the end scene with Magdi. Harth notes her meekness and what seems like hesitancy. He notes how different she seems in death. I know she seeks him out for 'feeling something', but personally I'd be uncomfortable getting it on with someone presenting like that. Seems like she is being taken advantage of, when what she really might need is just a hug or some uplifting words. Are you entertained? Yes and no. The beginning was confusing, but the title caught enough of my attention that I wanted to persist. The middle really picked up and I was very engaged, but then the continuing description of the advancing hoard made my mind wander. I perked back up when it was revealed that some moved on after the battle, and was with the narrative then until the end with Magdi. I do want to read more!

Putting myself on the list for Monday submission, if there is room.

Putting myself in line to submit this upcoming Monday, should there be space. ETA: Wow, having a moment. This is not where this goes. Sorry everyone! I blame Nepal and the bird that just pooped in my hair.

Impressions as I go: - The language grabs me instantly. It makes me wary. Highly descriptive wording in such a tight paragraph always makes me step back and worry that the writer is going to drown me in flowery prose instead of writing solid storylines. - The entirety of The Time of Men is telling, not showing. If this is your intention, you're fine. If not, it needs some work - The Time of Men is basically a flowery retelling of the beginning of Genesis. Without context to determine why it just strikes me as odd and I get pulled from the narrative to consider why it is so close. I think it would work a lot better if you strayed from the standard Genesis retelling and threw in some craziness. Warm us with the familiarity of the story and then turn everything on its head. - Bedtime Story starts again as narrative telling, then jerks into dialogue. The transition was harsh. If you are going to have dialogue it would make more sense to not do narrator over-voices. - POV switch between mother and daughter in Bedtime Story is also jarring. - Part of Bedtime Story hold my attention, especially the narrative about the twins' prophetic birth. Other areas fall flat. I'd be interested in reading more of this particular section. - The Prorochista Speaks has good pacing. Some additional details of the girl would really help the imagery. - Koroleva's Orders sucker punched me in the feels. - Death of a Brother would work well together with the other Pietra narrative - The Mountain School all of these child narratives are building to a very tragic book. Without some uplifting, as a mother, I would find the continual removal of children from their mother very hard to swallow - Tora's Excavation With the unusual letters in this one and the 'wee' in the previous one, I'm starting to get the impression that we are jumping around the world with the characters. I have to ask now, though, is this all one book? If so, there are a lot of characters here and keeping them straight will be difficult. - Jace Recruits I liked this chapter. I thought the flow, the character introduction, and the reaction from the two boys was sound. Likely I liked it better too because I recognized the two main characters from above. - The Bear and the Child the age of the child seems to jump. Sometimes her dialogue is very young, sometimes older. I'm having a hard time getting a feel for her. - A Bite in the Deli This chapter didn't flow as well. I couldn't get into the narrative. The argument between brother and sister just made me irritated with them, likely because they had such solid interaction before. I felt no move to continue learning about the street performer. The dialogue didn't build her up enough. Now for your questions Is the writing good? For a first draft, I don't think it is bad. Middle ground of writing. You have word soup in some places, but some decent line by line beta work could fix most of it. Are the characters good: they have shining moments but overall I find most of them flat and unmemorable. I remember action in a number of the chapters, but not the characters themselves for most. How is the dialogue and description: As above. Some good parts, but a lot needs work. Descriptions can get wordy, and some of the dialogue really drives me out of the narrative, like in the last chapter. Interest in world: I'd say I'm interested in the weaver and her twin, and the sister/brother duo (although less so after the last chapter). I'd likely read a bit more, but unless the number of characters and settings came together, I would find it a little overwhelming. Stand outs: I think I deal with this one in my 'as I read' comments. Overall I think it is an interesting start. I'd suggest really focusing on one storyline for a while and making it amazing. You might find you don't need to so many characters and places as you develop one in its entirety. Note: I didn't comment much on grammar, spelling, that sort of thing, since you indicated this is draft zero. It will need substantial clean up before going anywhere. When it is more flushed out you might consider submitting specifically for those types of edits.

I'm up for submitting again if there is space next week.

The first paragraph has a lot of telling and not so much showing. Could you tweak it so that Victor is surveying his room, instead of the narrator just telling us what is in it? The second paragraph dumps a lot right at the end. As a reader, I want expansion. It also brings a lot of questions to my mind immediately. A million years ago? They must have amazing record keeping. Wouldn't such a leader have been transformed through folk tale into something more like a god over that time (Gilgamesh-ed, so to speak)? What's the deal with the dangerous world? What danger? First paragraph second page - I'm getting muddled in the description and having a hard time picturing whatever it is you are describing. A lot of references to lights, seemingly natural and synthetic light? I can't tell. I dislike the last blurb. The writing is clear and the scene is fine, but I don't like the interactions between Anna and Victor. It is very stereotypical 'book smart girl, street smart (or mechanically smart or hands on smart) boy. I think these tropes are very overdone, and I find their assumptions borderline offensive. Why not mix it up? Switch them around, or broaden out their skill sets (maybe Anna is book smart AND really good with machines? Maybe Victor is whatever-smart AND good with languages?). The writing is solid enough that I didn't feel jarred just reading these excerpts, which is great! Some tightening of the narrative and thoughts on characters could make these even better.

If you want to run with any of that, feel free to PM me. Some of the rangeland fire grad students are right next to my office at my university, so I hear talk of fire on a daily basis. Also they are always setting things on fire, both on and off their burn table. My life.... yup.

My first thoughts are that it is very adjective heavy, and this makes the sentences difficult to read. I am also jarred out of the narrative by Unnecessary Capitalization. Once or twice it is effective at drawing attention to a specific title. More than that and it looks like translated German. First page, you have three sentences in a row that either start with a conjunction, or something very similar (but, because, besides). From the apprentice this type of speaking seems natural, but from a master I would expect more formal language, especially if you have little time to differentiate between them in terms of characters. 'Inspiration is humanity's greatest renewable resource', followed by 'and this inspiration is renewable?" This makes me not like the apprentice. S/he is clearly not paying attention. I assume the forest analogy is for the 'renewable resource' line? A more direct tie in would make that clearer, especially since that metaphor, with fire, seems to be the crux of the narrative. The last sentence could be tweaked to have more punch. A tie back to the forest metaphor would drive it more, I think, than the tie to inspiration. In terms of the title too, your bigger themes are inspiration and forests. Either changing the title to reflect that, or hammering the three more would help. Thinking back on the forest and fire imagery, there are so many places you could go with that. Some forest systems are fire adapted. Jack pine cones can't open without a certain level of heat. Pacific Northwest forests have to burn regularly or the coarse woody debris build to such a level that raging wildfires get out of control. When you discuss fire as death and humanity as the forest, some more in-depth metaphors could be used (even assuming readers don't have basic fire ecosystem knowledge). Jack pine knowledge is a little specialized, but most people know about needing to do controlled burns to limit forest fuel build up. Altering the line a bit to indicate the burning/killing is to thin humanity so it doesn't do something like use up Earth's resources or something like that could be very cool. Nice work!