kais

Maybe do some Googling for images? The changing dress is so cool, and I feel like you're missing an opportunity to really engage the reader with the mentality of an eight year old. If I can help set the stage, in the mind of most eight year old girls, there are no such things as clashing colors, or too much bling. Walk around a Claire's store for research. Then watch some junior roller derby. Then watch adult roller derby. Then watch the Let It Go castle building scene in Frozen one zillion times, concentrating on Elsa's magical ice dress. Glitter. Sequins. Embroidered hemlines. Puffed sleeves. Empire waist would show youth, move to A-line when you want show some 'maturity'. Maybe her shoes are always neon green boots with steel toes with ruffled pink socks just peeking through. She's eight. You can have so much fun with this!

Side note before I get started, I love cursing. Love it in written form, love it in spoken form. Bring. It. On. General It read pretty rough. I'd have liked more description of the forest, and some backstory on Mark. The cursing did not bother me in the slightest, nor would the pervasive use of god - which is what I am assuming people mean by g/d? It was an interesting read, and I'd love to see it develop more. Your Questions Comedy: The cursing doesn't add comedy, but it does add flavor to Mark. I can visualize the kind of guy he is based on the language he uses, and it makes me lack empathy for him. That does make me more interested in the world, because a supposedly 'evil' group has kidnapped him, but maybe they just want to shut him up. Would love to see him get smacked around a bit. As I Go - Transition to paragraph two is rough. We already know Mark is in a forest. No need to reiterate. I'd suggest paragraph two be more describing the forest. There are lots of types of bloodsucking bugs. Maybe talk about a few? - LOL at his little amigo. - the dialogue on the phone takes a really long time. It could be tightened quite a bit - This organization just literally refers to itself as evil? Why? I'm also not sold on motivation - the end line doesn't have any punch. We KNOW he is in a forest. Suggest ending with something attacking him, or him seeing something strange, or realizing his leg is missing or something.

Hi! Overall I loved the world building at the start, and thought it was very well integrated. It got a little much towards page 3, and I noted where in the comments below. I'd be interested enough, based upon the first two pages, to read another chapter. The dialogue at the end though would give me pause. As I Go - page 3: why is gave in italics? - page 3, paragraph starting with 'Lasila drifted': The world building was good up until about here. I was enjoying it. At this paragraph it started to get tedious. I want action now, or tension. It was hard to keep myself from skimming through this paragraph and the next. Your Questions Confused - not confused so much as disappointed a smidgen. There were a lot of fun teasers in the world building in the beginning, and I hoped to see echoes of them in the dialogue at the end. Instead, the dialogue was very straightforward. With all the richness early, it felt flat. Lasila - seems reasonable for this type of book. I'm expecting copious political intrigue now Varinen - this character seems more one-dimensional thus far, but we haven't seen as much of him yet. I have no strong feelings about him one way or the other right now. Name transition - I had no issue with this

Sorry for the delay on this. Still playing catch up from my busy week. Overall I'm interested in some of the story concepts, but had a hard time getting into the story. The girl's dialogue is often unconvincing for an eight year old, and I am still really unclear on why she makes a sudden partnership with Silon. Generally, the text needs a lot more description. This world seems like it has the potential to be lush with world building, yet, descriptors are sparse. As I go - page 1: is she trying to trip herself? I love the idea of rolling down the hill for fun, magical dresses, etc, I'm mostly confused as to why she would chose that way to trip herself. Why not just start summersaulting? Why not pretend to be Buttercup from the Princess Bride? Why not turn cartwheels? - page 1: she has an outfit she can change at will, and we aren't getting tons of details on the outfit. This already is driving me insane. It's like your writing knows my soul, but you're holding back the joy. IS IT GLITTERY? SHINY? TELL ME THERE ARE RHINESTONES AND LACE AND RIBBONS AND CHAINMAIL AND THE BLOOD OF HER ENEMIES! (ahem, I'm done now, really) - page 4: would really like more description of the battle. Everything is very pared down. It's making picturing everything difficult. - page 7: the back and forth between Silon and Fate's Child isn't convincing me of the girl's age. She bounces between 8 and 40, on and off. Some addition of child logic would help this pop better - page 8: so does Silon want help, or doesn't he? The eight year old is talking circles around him. - 8: where does the eagle even come from? Super random. - page 12: POV shift is jarring. We started with Silon and moved to Child. Suggest keeping POV consistent within each chapter - what was the point of the jump off the cliff test? For that matter, why are these two even together? I don't understand the motivating factor for their working together - wouldn't someone who can see into the future know that dragonlings are real? Surely she would have seen them before? - page 16: please describe the scene. It's strong enough to have the girl throw up. Why? What does she see?

I'd like to submit on the 23rd, if there is room. Only a few more weeks before summer field season starts, and I leave the world of electricity behind!

I think we would make a very amusing morning talk show duo, Robinski

Being explicit would help. I got from it that she was 'simple', not PTSDed, and that colored my view of her actions. The chapter makes a lot more sense with a PTSD lens, and puts the whole thing in perspective.

Overall I've read a number of ball/intrigue fantasy books, so I am game for a fair bit of introduction, names, and dialogue. This had the start of that, but in order to really hook my interest, I would have liked more world building stuck in - world building that keeps my interest, like 'so and so is heir apparent to the unicorn mines of Kessel' or something like that. There were bits of this showing through - wings and such, but because the beginning has such a slow start, and the intrigue doesn't really have tension, I found myself bored. Pacing I think it is less about pacing and more about building. The pace is right for what you are trying to achieve, but the world is sparse. Flushing out characters, backstories, blocking - and not necessarily by adding more words but by making the words you do have really count, would help a lot. As I go notes - I've acquired a number of languages due to my living around the world, and after the first paragraph all I can think is "I see. A 'k' language. Hmmm.... gonna be throaty." *proceeds to practice throaty k sounds* - Warlocks smell like blood and poo? Warlocks need more frequent baths then. Somebody please inform the warlock council. - page 2 - 'there' should be 'they're' - at page three, the excessive adjective use is starting to toss me from the narrative. Run-on sentences are starting to creep up with increasing frequency as well - The dialogue exchanges on page 5 are jumpy and muddled. I'm having to reread several times to understand what is being said - Page 6, the multitude of character names is overwhelming. When this happens in books, I generally stop reading names altogether. - Page 7, blood hunting and blood farms pique my interest - page 8, a 'herd' is a group of animals, 'heard' is when someone hears you - Page 9, the liquid is pulsing? Actually pulsing? That's disturbing - page 11, "...a female guard with a single silver spear pin on his crisp white uniform..." male guard, or did you intend to use the 'her' pronoun? Although if this was intentional by some change and you're changing up gendered pronouns, count me on board! - the italics on the here at the end of the chapter don't quite ring true. The chapter could use a snappier end sentence Thanks for sharing! The wing part has me intrigued, so I look forward to reading more!

Overall I found the start slow, but got more into it the farther I read. LOVE the ending, and it makes me want more. Questions Works? I outlined below. Name change - works for me, but I was OK with the original, too Scribe - yes, I am on board with the scribe. Curious, too Keep reading? YES Too many questions? No. I am sufficiently intrigued, but not frustrated As I go - Adjectives: I second Robinski on this. There are far too many, and it becomes distracting more than helpful. - page 2, the crashing on the soul like a dozen fiery rocks from the sky - this seems a bit overblown. It took me several reads to really get it. Maybe 'crashed on his soul in waves' or 'crashed into his soul as a comet to earth'? - Ooh, nice ending!! Thanks for the fun submission!

Better late than never, eh? General I had a hard time getting into this. Part of it is likely because of starting at chapter 4, but a lot had to do with the inconsistent writing of Ellora and lack of empathy for the MC. I didn't feel any tension, and I'm more confused than anything else. I'd read more, certainly, but right now I'm left with a 'huh'? feeling. Your Questions Emotional response - I was frustrated by the almost bipolar nature of Ellora, and was confused about the MC. I'd really like to know more about the armor. Flow - I thought it was slow, and the info dump by Ellora at the end did not help. I would have liked more tension Exposition - yes, too much. Would like more description / world building, less info dump talking. I see the thread of an awesome story, and I want to dig it out! As I Go - Page three - Ellora pronounced the word weirdly. Could you explain this instead of telling? I'd like to get more immersed with Ellora. - Page 4 - if Jakob is going to get confused by Reil's words, they should be a bit more complex. "Exothermic reaction' is pretty standard English. Maybe get technical - "Carbon is being released from cellulosic compounds...etc etc" - page 5: they all bore obvious wounds. Describe! - I'm having a hard time with the writing of Ellora. Her childishness is portrayed somewhat in her actions, but not her speech. When Yvonne is found, that interplay makes some sense, but if Ellora is incapable enough to not know dead from alive, how is she taking in all the rest of the scene? The blend keeps throwing me from the narrative, and makes the character unconvincing. - page 10, the trying to talk like Ellora to get her to move. This would be a neat scene to expand a little, to give us a feel for how her mind works. It currently falls flat. Why is summer bad? Why wouldn't summer be good, thus causing her to run towards the flames? I'd love to see more complex convincing. - page 12 - Ellora giggling also seems out of place. It is making her childlike instead of simple - page 13, 14 - that info dump is really complex for how you've made Ellora out. - 16: Ellora does a lot of running off

OMG smgorden you're ALIVE!

I just sent you the line-by-line Generally, while I enjoyed the various reveals in this chapter, the action sequence dragged for me. I found myself skimming it towards the end. Realizing again that I am not your target demographic for this book, it felt longwinded and without much character movement. It would likely work better for me, anyway, with a bit more introspection from Oz throughout, especially in the break between the first fight and the second. Of course, love the reveal with Penton and the angst that causes!

Adding myself to the list for May 9th, should there be room.

Obligatory 'as I go' notes: - page 1, second paragraph, noting the marker is 'smelly' again seems like a bit of overkill. It was well established in the first paragraph. In that same vein, 'calendar' is redundant in the second paragraph. - Love the 'enter at the risk of feeling extremely inadequate' line! - page 2, second to last paragraph has a typo 'he brought he pulled' - Page 4 - Did you mean 'The Price IS Right'? - pg 17: the procedure is that night? Fishy. Why does the guy go along with it? Why doesn't that raise a ton of alarm bells? - pg 23: very nice. Enjoying the reveal General Overall, I really liked it. The beginning few pages seemed just a tad slow, and I think you could trim a little to tighten there. Loved the middle and the reveal was great! End last page seemed like a little too long of a wrap up, but I'm unsure what to suggest to tighten it. Maybe cut some of the dialogue to get to the punch of the last few paragraphs? After the Big Reveal there was no dangle ending so the dialogue and interactions following the Big Reveal fell sort of flat. I did see the werwolf coming once the timeline of 29 days was mentioned, but the heightened smell and hearing didn't connect until later. Thanks for an awesome read!

I just sent you line edits to your e-mail. My overall impressions are that this was a smooth chapter. I have very little to comment on. I'd love just a bit more science on the meteor thing and the magnetic stuff, but that might just be me. As an aside, do we ever get substantial backstory on how Brides came to be? That'd be a fun remembrance for someone down the line. Great read!

Sending you a PM now, ecohansen

Hi! I've not read the first chapter, so the following impressions are not based on any backstory. As I go - page 2: I don't think you need to state that Nakamoto is Japanese. If people don't get that from the name, then that's fine. - page 2: instead of telling us the bartender is Chinese-America, show us through dialogue or description. Otherwise with this, and the section before it, it feels like you're forcing diversity through telling instead of just having diverse characters - page 2: "You only like white women." Purposeful racism? This type of line is under heavy fire right now and is a very loaded statement to make. If you're trying to show something about the two characters, it's working. - page 10: the interpol reveal falls flat. I'm not sure what to suggest to fix it, however. Maybe a little bit more personal backstory of Samantha first? Maybe an allusion to knowing Japanese, some sort of other skill that all the spies have? - page 10: The Nakamoto reveal is nice, but I'd like to see more of Samantha's reaction. She handles it too calmly, and it makes the reveal have less impact Overall I'm interested in the general idea of the story, but the extended dialogue lagged in sections. The last few pages, with all the reveals, were interesting for the most part, but then there were so many I started getting confused. I also would like to know how she can just leave death. Is she in a coma? Maybe that was covered in chapter one.

Hooray for the next set! As I go - page 1: I'm unsure on the personality of Eclipse. I remember him being mysterious, maybe a bit haughty. Here he is offering to keep an eye on the witch. I can't get a read on his personality - "...cleanse myself in time if I had done that." Done what? - page 2: if he likes silence so much, why is he putting up with her? If these two are romance bound, which I thought it did seem like from the first chunk you submitted, the tone now of 'blissful silence' grates a bit. It's a little too 'women don't shut up and are naggy', instead of what could be cute YA romance tension - Also not a fan of Salane whining. Why is anyone putting up with her at this point? - She's ranting. She has shown no indication of being scared. Why does he tell her not to be scared? Their interaction is going from cute to *head pat* very quickly - page 3: I don't understand what is going on with his hair. It tuns all white, but the moons are balanced in it? Shouldn't it still be partially the original color then? - How does the MC know his eyes are all white? Has he done this before, in front of a mirror? - His vision goes stark white, but his vision was already white, wasn't it? - last paragraph on page 4: I'd be glaring, too. Salane is only working with the information she has. MC isn't making good information choices. - page 5: I'm wondering what the point of doing these rituals is? They get all that power and do...what? Other guardians were out maybe that night, OK, but why? - page 5: why does Salane slap him? - page 6 dialogue at the end of the page - I am now completely lost. Why is Eclipse apologizing? - page 7, third to last paragraph - I'm getting whiplash from Salane here. I can't pin down her personality. Is she sarcastic? Weak? Afraid? Aggressive? - page 10: the dialogue between Salane and the MC is getting rigid here. They're bantering like adolescents. - 14: 'Honor System'? Where did this come from? - 17: science point - light kills this fungus? It kills the fruiting form, or the whole mycelium? Suggest that light makes the fruiting form shrivel instead and lose potency or something akin - 17: why does she want to be walked home so badly? She went after him into the forest. NOW she is scared? - 18: First indication of age. He's 19, which would put this in NA. The interactions trend heavily YA, possibly even MG. Might consider either lowering their ages, or changing up the dialogue. Overall While I am still intrigued by the premise, this section didn't hold my attention. The interactions with Eclipse were anticlimactic, and the persistent juvenile banter between the MC and Salane (and her bouncing from yelling to simpering every page) only made me irritated at the characters. It might be worth the exercise, at this point, to decide what audience you are writing for here. Is this a YA book? NA? You could then write dialogue for character ages accordingly. Questions Twin Moon Ritual It was interesting, but I don't understand its purpose. Why does he do it? Why does it matter? Conversation Flow I found it to be stilted and juvenile in most places. The banter was cute in the first section, but it isn't evolving, which makes it stagnate and become boring. Other Things I have a lot of the same comments as King007. I really liked your first entry, but this one fell flat. I'd like to see more action or suspense, and far less whining. Looking forward to what you have for next week!

Welcome (back?) to Reading Excuses! The 'as I go' comments - I am very intrigued by 'grape flavored smoke'. It makes my mouth water for some of the artificially flavored grape bubble gum - You are referring to the object of the man's desire as a 'girl'. His attention to her was very adult. Did you chose the word 'girl' with purpose, or did you actually mean 'woman'? If you are trying to show the POV of the man through that description, that's fine, but it does cast him in a very specific light. - When you switch to Kaya's POV, the third paragraph could be cut quite a bit. It is a huge descriptor dump. I tend to like this information more spread through the narrative, instead of in clumps, although I'm sure others prefer it this way. Either way, might be just a hair too long. - Page 4, the raven calls Kaya 'love'. This speaks a great deal to their interactions and relationship, and is either a little intimate or a little condescending, depending on context. She's clearly a professional, so having a raven call her 'love' raises some questions - Same sort of deal on page 5, when Mus calls her 'little one'. Are the animals all older than her, and serving as mentors (possibly raised her?). I could see that, from the language being used, at which point it is more endearing than anything else. Having her spin on the chair like a little girl while drinking wine is very contrasting imagery. Is she a professional, or a teenager? If she's both, is that why she needs animal guardians? Overall Thoughts I'm....I'm unsure how I feel about this. The writing is lovely, absolutely lovely, vivid, even scenic. It's beautiful to read and I want to bury myself in it. The story, however, leaves me with a lot of questions and some feelings of unease. How old is Kaya? If she's around 15, then everything makes sense (aside from her having this job, but I can go out on faith with that for a bit). If she is an adult, say, 18 or over, the language used to describer her and the way people and animals talk to/about her is upsetting to me. I don't want to get into the nuts and bolts of that, however, unless you really want me to. I'm really glad you submitted and I do look forward to reading more! Your English is amazing!

As I go - the Argus orb killing seems somehow anticlimactic. I feel like it is missing some evil laughter or another hidden plot twist somewhere - so, did the worms eat Illiriel? Could you expand that section just a bit? It has some neat imagery and I'd like a bit more tension with Saraphiel trying to save a dying angel, the hope in the hopeless situation, then the death - "Taunt all of you like, you won't win." I don't understand what she is saying. It reads like she is speaking Valley Girl. Like, totally. - Page 3 - dude just got eaten by worms and she has no emotion about it? Cold. Makes me less invested in her character. If she didn't care if he lived or died, why jump in after him? How did the worms not get her? I have so many questions - By the # on page four, I am a bit lost in the narrative. A star exploded and she can't get the creator to talk to her? Is that right? Does she have emotions about that? - Page 11, when she turns towards the singularity and her body locks up - why would she strike down god? I thought she wasn't listening to Lucifer?? - page 13 - so is Lucifer dead? The blocking in this sequence is very confusing General Thoughts I'm left with a vagueness about the narrative. It has good bones, but I can't connect with Sara because I see so little about her emotions. The battles are endless, always changing location, which takes up words and time that could be used for character building. I'd love to see some of the action paired down, more introspection from Sara, and some more defined action in the sections that remain. I really like the end, and it does make sense, but again, still vague. Tightening, trimming, and expanding could make this piece really shine!

Happy to, via PM. I had a number of successful tweets, and some not-so successful. The great thing about DVpit was getting to tweet once per hour for twelve hours meant you could try out a whole host of different approaches, and learn from mistakes. Sending you PM now!

Confirming that I'd like to submit for next Monday, should spots be available.

Got a full request from one of the agents that liked my tweet during #DVpit! Woohoo!

I do love me some Cthulhu. Actually, of the newish Lovecraft-themed stuff out there, the Cthulhu-rotica series is pretty stellar. All the tentacle, none of the racisms and sexism.

In case you've not heard, a heads up that FicFest submissions happen on April 24th. If you've got a sub-worthy manuscript, give it a go! (hyperlink provided)