kais

Ze 'as I go' thoughts: - God is dead. You have my attention. - The first paragraph reads adjective heavy. I like the descriptors, but a few could be cut (don't need both 'crackling' and 'chaotic', for instance) - I'm a little hazy on 'Starpool' being discussed on page 2. Sort of like a Death Star thing, but a hoop instead of a ball? - 'Within seconds the group was dead'. Are you working on a word limit? I want details!! - 'His innate power coursed through the wings' this reads vague. Can you be more specific? What innate power? Some type of life force? - Ooh look, tentacles! My mind wants to take this story in a whole different direction now *cough* Cthulhu *cough* With that said, being the size of moons contrasts with the long, thinness of tentacles - Page 6, when the spear doesn't work and the Song turns to Wail, I really feel it. Emotionally gripped for sure - I'm confused by how something both implodes and explodes at the same time. Is this real science? I'm curious. - By page 9, and the dialogue "I will have you', and the angel being pushed down, combined with the tentacles... Unsure if this implied imager is where you're trying to go, but many people will head this way when the word 'tentacle' is used. - Last paragraph on page 10 - woah. Vivid. Totally working. Kinda bummed it's a nightmare. I'd love to explore that world - Temporal incursion - I was totally immersed, and this made me think of Star Trek. This never ends well, Saraphiel! Run! Hide! - Solid ending General You didn't have specific questions, so I'll give general impressions. I'm always up for a good god/angel romp. I enjoy the names immensely, and after about page five, the narrative flowed well and I immersed into the world. Several places caught, as I noted above. You have a number of comma splice areas and other places that could use commas, but that's for line edits if you ever want to go there. Adjectives are heavy in areas, too, but got better the farther into the narrative I got. I like the wing descriptions and armor descriptions. I wouldn't mind a bit more relationship building between characters, but I assume you are under a word limit, too. I have a number of questions about the galaxy they're in, and some of their weapons, but again, in a short story those may or may not be answered. I'll have more concrete thoughts after part II. Glad to have read something by you, finally! It was enjoyable. Thank you!

I sent you line edits via e-mail. Father/son relationship: The hair exchange still bothers me. It feels flirty, although it is clearly not. If Oz were female, it wouldn't stand out so much. I don't know what to suggest, other than perhaps more dialogue, maybe some gentle ribbing that bites more than it should. World Building: I'd like more discussion of what a 'green' is right off that bat. Other than that, the start was rough but once I got there it was solid. In the first chapter, I kept wanting to skim the world building descriptions. I don't think they're excessive, but they weren't engaging me, either. Once he was in the compound and with the firebrand, things were much smoother. BFF: Without the context of who she is, just dropping her name means it will be forgotten. Just a little thought or dialogue to give us some context on her would be incredibly useful, especially as you set up his other romance in this section. I'm enjoying rereading this!

Stepping into line for the 25th, but happy to back out if others want in.

I'll hop in then. Mine will be short, because chapter 9 is only about 1500 words, but chapter 10 is about 5000. Can't do both, so a short one it is!

Again, happy to give up my spot if Shadowfax, aeromancer, or some as of yet unnamed newbie wants it. ETA: In fact, noting the que that is forming, I'll officially drop out for this next week and see how things look for the following week.

Personally, I don't know enough about the world to determine what is overkill yet. Maybe people spontaneously heal from stuff like that. Maybe violence is part of life. Maybe they live in absolute peace. It's just too early to make these kinds of judgements.

I love the idea of bracing against the wall and pushing with legs. Awesome visual.

Shadowfax you can have my spot for Monday. I've been submitting a lot recently.

Ah hah! See, I know this virgin stuff, but my mind first went to traditional tales where virgin is seen more as just a young woman or girl. Maybe drop a line somewhere that uses the word 'experienced' (maybe its already there?), and put it in quotes so it forces the reader to notice?

I really wish this forum supported gifs. I really want to gif respond right now. Something witty. Something fantasy. Something on fleek, as it were. Alas, I am left with emojis.

Ooh, if we're only working with the two symbols, then I retract my statement about the magic system commitment. Very straight forward. Seat belts fastened. I am in for the ride.

Since this is a test run, I will skip my normal play by play comments and just go to overall discussion. Points of Note I was thrown off when Moon says he is technically human, since all the text leading up to that was very clearly making a differentiation between humans and him. It was startling enough to throw me out of the narrative. This is problematic because the narrative grabbed me by the shirt and shoved me into the world right from the beginning, and I was not pleased with leaving. Harrumph. I felt a lot of similarities to Elantris in these chapters, with the symbology and line art. I like the homage, and it gives the narrative a comfortable feel. Whenever I read climbing scenes, I always reference Wolfwalker by Tara K. Harper. If you're looking to emulate language that makes a simple climb utterly nerve wracking, that'd be the way to go. Up the stakes! You have witty banter, some probable sexual tension, magic, and a little fear of falling to one's death would really be the icing on the cake. I'm interested in the magic system, and the world building has me hooked. The interaction between Slane and Moon is stilted sometimes, and comes off as very YA teenager-y. If this is the intent, you are doing a great job. Those two are all kinds of awkward. I liked the dialogue between Eclipse and Moon, and that dialogue alone would have hooked me to read more. I am interested in reading more, and in the world, and will look forward to next week's submission from you! Magic System I wanted to specifically address this, because Sanderson deals so well with magic systems, and its something I've struggled with in my own writing. I'm left after these two chapters with some haze still on the system, and thoughts of Elantris. Is this the kind of magic system that we have a chart for at the beginning of the book (Daughter of the Blood style)? Or is more a system that is so straightforward we don't need a chart (Mistborn)? It'd be worth committing one way or the other, or at least spending some time discussing.

Ah, post-apocalyptic future with Rex, we meet again! spieles, unsure if you've edited since I last went through the draft, but thought I would go again anyway. As always, just ignore any redundancy. As I read - I wouldn't mind just a little more stage setting before the death seeps in. Maybe one more sentence? A hug from the father? Him helping Oz blow out the dandelion? Just a little more warmth to make the action really connect - wait, glass in palms why? (page 2) Did he dive through a window? - pretty certain I mentioned this before, but the listing of the dead on page three just always brings me right to Arya Stark. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. - Just finishing chapter one and I have to say that I am enjoying the action and this chapter a lot more this time around. I think it is because I have the context of the rest of the book already and, as you have seen from my writing, I am a background, transition, and description person, sometimes to the detriment of my own writing. I'm connecting with Oz, understanding the Rex, getting the snap of the final line in chapter one so much quicker now. Readers who love action will likely head right into the narrative without issue, but maybe it helps to have the perspective of a 'give me all the descriptions' type reader? Regardless, loving round two. - still catching on shoving soda machines. Those things are heavy. Does he tip it more, maybe? Is it on wheels? - If this future ever happens, I would totally be a Bride. Just putting that out there, you know, in case. - On page 14, where he meets Eleanor for the first time, and my heart is just all THUMP THUMP THUMP. Meeting means so much more to me now! On action It's still a lot of action for me (I assume that comment in your OP was mine, since I would likely say exactly that). This could just be personal preference, however, as I need my action interspersed with either large robots, space ships, or bantery dialogue (all at one time would make me wet my pants). For action readers the level of action is likely just fine. If you're going after the YA male audience, it is likely ideal. So the first few chapters still wouldn't hook me (as I would want a bit more interaction with other people), but since I'm not your key demographic, I don't think my opinion is the one you want here. By the end of the book I am totally hooked, so you do get to where I want to be eventually. Glad to see you submitting, and looking forward to reading through again!

Um, wow. Awesome language on your R&R. That sounds very promising! Your first paragraph still reads a little vague. I'd suggest cutting it down to two or three sentences, and make those sentences pack a punch. Suggest removing that you are going to 'tighten' the story. The editor wants a major rewrite, so that already implies more than tightening. You want to come across as ready to do the hard work right off the bat. The rest of that paragraph works, at least for me, as you've committed to major cuts and moving world building to the start. Your first question is awesome, and I think will give you meaningful feedback from the editor. The second could be clarified, as it reads as if you are unsure about where you 'told' instead of 'showed'. I hope this helps, and good luck!

You are awesome. Thank you so much! It isn't inconvenience so much, as internet paranoia. Yeah, I'm one of those people. *sigh*

As I go thoughts: - There are a lot of 'well's around. Possibly dialogue intentional? - HAHAHAHA 'wrong foot', quicksand.... much amusement - The eagle at Barrowton has rank? Interesting. - I feel like I missed something with the unicorn. Some joke I should have gotten... - Hehehe on the siren and sign language - Silver disability - I assume werwolf? vampire? Pure Dialogue I think it is fine as pure dialogue. Since they aren't moving and are just going back and forth, I had no issue following. Enough context clues sprang up, as well, that I did get a feel for the characters along the way. Jokes I think I got some of them, but I think I missed a lot. A lot are pun based, yes? I think I'm missing references for some. I got the foot and quicksand one. That counts for something, right? I get a cookie? Ending Like others, I also found the ending abrupt. If you have a word limit, there is some wandering in the dialogue that could be cut, and the words used in the ending. The woman reaches absolute exasperation so quickly there, that I think escalating her frustration either just before, or slowly through the piece, would help the end sit better. Length It got draggy in places, but was unique enough that I stayed interested. A suggestion would be to focus on one or two items that need the attention of the characters, and work more detailed in those areas. An enjoyable read! Thank you for sharing!

Asmodemon I'm fine with the length, but others will have to chime in. I'm also up for submitting on the 18th, assuming there is space.

king007 could you do me a favor and remove my name from your post? I work to keep my IRL name and online presence as separate as possible. Amusing, nonetheless, about all the name similarities!

Welcome, Ethan!

OMG HOORAY! for the R&R!!! I'll get to it tonight, so hopefully before you resubmit. Did they give you a timeframe to resubmit? Usually you're expected to take several weeks if not several months, and short turn around times can be off-putting. But if they gave you a deadline, that is a whole different can of worms.

Well, I just sent it off. Time for a panic attack for the next month?

Spieles and I came over from AbsoluteWrite, so are used to a much more 'just give it to me straight, doc' sort of approach to beta reading. You should see what we do to each other's manuscripts! Robinski I think you handled all the feedback with grace and introspection. I'm really looking forward to seeing the edited version! I really want to connect with Magdi, so am excited to see how her character evolves.

Guys! Finished the R&R rewrites last night on AFD! Now for a final proof read, and then it goes back to the agent. Wish me luck!

I have no problem with it, Eisenheim.

Finally getting a chance to read this! Woohoo! As I go impressions: - I always read 'Dumkald' as 'Dumkopf'. I don't know why. - Yup, I catch on the 'oh high commander' too. I sense a glimmer of her maybe using it ironically, but it is so jarring that I am thrown from the narrative. Following it with the word 'demure' doesn't help. If you followed it with something like "her posture was submissive, but her eyes spoke in a much stronger language' type of thing, I could see more fire in her, and that would help the words. - She starts to unbutton her shirt, and Harth knows its not the time. Awesome. It isn't the time. So he needs to say something or do something to that effect. Mitigating words to help the situation could be things like: "Magdi, no. You know I would never expect that from you." "Magdi, I appreciate your offer, but I need your mind, not your body." "Thank you, Magdi. Could we talk, first? As equals?" - She made no move to refasten buttons.... this to me screams damaged woman. Harth should be averting eyes. He needs to respect her damage, not play into it. - She looked lost, and she needed to feel something. Danger, danger Harth Robinson! These are not signs to sleep with a woman. Do not take advantage. Ask to hold her hand. Suggest talking. - Placing a finger on her lips to silence her: In terms of responses to damaged women, taking away her agency further is the opposite way to go. No silencing. If she needs to talk, let her talk. - Laying together in embrace - so did they or did they not have sex? If not, that probably should be spelled out better, because it gives me more respect for Harth. - 'To make an honest woman of you?' What year is this taking place in? If this is a modern work, this statement is derogatory. If this is 1950s or previous, it works, but it is grating nonetheless. - 'Or an eternity'. Not advisable to agree with women's depreciating comments. She degraded herself. He needs to uplift, not continue the degradation. - "And it did, his third time." What is this referring to? Third time of what? - When Harth and Fermarald chat about the women moving on and dalliances, they're talking about them like they aren't really people. That language could use some cleaning. - I'm still unsure about using parentheses in fiction writing. You pull attention to the narrator and away from characters and action - He stays his hand when faced with a crone or stripling girl, then thinks of Magdi. Does he only see females in these types of roles. In a twist, could he think of a competent female commander, then strike down the girls and crones, knowing they are just as capable of killing as a man? - Why did the horde flee? I don't understand what happened. - When Magdi 'dies' I'm left with even more questions about why people are chosen to go. Unsure if I should have an inkling of that by now or not. - Page 33, Magdi needed him? Did she? Seems more like he needed her, and she needed a therapist. - The Traveller hangs out with the horde? Is that right? I'm confused. - His waking up falls flat. If the dream was supposed to be about him realizing his love for Magdi, then I suggest you spend more time developing their relationship, examining his feelings, and less on horde battles. I don't necessarily mind the dream ending, as you can certainly learn a lot about yourself in dreams, but to have the impact I think you are going for, the reader needs to invest more deeply in the characters, especially Harth and Magdi. Post Reading Comments Was I entertained? The first half did entertain me, although I found some places confusing. The second part I did not enjoy as much, although the storyline was still engaging enough for me to want to read to the end. I think the bones of this story are good, but the execution, especially of Magdi, needs work. If there's anything you'd like to discuss more about, I'd be happy to. Polishing and editing are rough work, but worth it to see the manuscript all shiney!