kais

Finally getting to this one! My e-mail ate it, but in the end, I triumphed! Overall I'm getting a handle on the characters, and definitely getting more a feel for Prot. I'm curious about the pills, but feeling unconvinced of their potential as broad spectrum poisons. I'm with EotFP and Spieles on the tension ups and downs. Looking forward to reading more still. Awesome: I like that their cargo is high stakes, and that they have to make decisions about it. Bored: The actual decision process is boring. More emotions! More impact! Confused: On Amra again. She's reading naive and I don't think you mean her to be that way. Don't Believe: That the magus helped them that easily. I'd like to see more struggle there with his past and Prot and doing this job. As I go - page 1: I'd love more description of the room in which Prot wakes up. I'm very curious about this scene and would like the visuals to go along with it. - page 3: would also love more from the magus when he realizes he can get a high price for the help. More description of his face, his actions. This is a Big Deal for him, the potential payout. Would love to really feel it in the words. - page 9: ooh, twist the knife, Prot! A little girl indeed. Every female of aging childbearing years be like *head snap* "wut?" - page 10: would you like some more impressive sounding words than 'scientific gadgets' for here? I can load you up with a small army of them if you'd like - 'tentacle-fever'.... and all I can see is "Dream of the Fisherman's Wife" - page 11: I'm leaning with Saart here. The stakes and effects aren't high enough for me to be too concerned with the pills. Noting the issues the group is having, I'd say deliver the medicine, get the money. Maybe notify local law enforcement after, or the local distributing apothecary. It'd be one thing if the pills were for a specific person, so there was a clear threat, especially a person we as readers were already invested in. Right now the threat is vague and nebulous, and I have a hard time seeing why they would do anything other than just deliver the drugs. - page 13: even with the 'this is a broad spectrum poison' thing, I'm still not super convinced. I need to feel the characters' rationale for their emotions - page 14: Amra's comment about smuggling not hurting people...she's coming off naive again. Smuggling does hurt people. Perhaps not as directly as outright poisoning, but it does hurt.

Can we play a 'list your favorite neopronouns' game? I'm trying to get a feel for which are preferred, or at least used most often, both in the nonbinary community and beyond.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Overall In general I liked the story, but it moved fast in some places. I'm unconvinced of the child's age by her dialogue. Even noting the hard circumstances of her life, she probably wouldn't talk like that. I recommend reading Homecoming (A Tillerman novel) for a very strong voice example of a young girl left with nothing but the care of her younger siblings. I'd also love to see Chisa react more to being a wizard, and some more development of the wizard himself. As I go - the wizard turns to ask Chisa a question, but her eyes tell him what he needs to know. This is a POV switch, and it threw me from the narrative a little - 'Probably to complain about the poor fare and how he is not going to pay' is pretty adult reasoning and wording for a child of twelve. More convincing would be 'Was he going to skip out on paying? He'd better not complain about her noodle soup!' - Her sense of responsibility, especially to making sure not too many peppers go into the soup when there is a wizard that wants to talk to her, also doesn't fall in line for 12. I'd expect her to shuck responsibility, even if she was a very responsible child, because there is a real live wizard in her family's restaurant and he wants to talk to her! - "Oh, and I have such a free live..." also too old of dialogue for a 12 year old - the awakening of the lion was just a little fast. I'd like to see her think about it more, work for it just a little more before it happens. It'd be nice to have a greater sense of wonder about it - POV shift again when you name Badad the first time - The deal with the wizard is struck too easily. Is the guy just wandering around aimlessly, or did he come to find an apprentice? Giving him just a bit of backstory would make the ending make more sense

I won't explode until next week? *pout* I guess my orgy dance for this week is out then, too. Overall As you described, dresses and names abound. I wasn't overwhelmed, but I don't remember them well, either. I am intrigued by the other female who is offering to help Lasilia get a job. This seems a solid character trait and grounds me into this character. The others I don't really have a feel for yet. I'm starting to get a very Hunger Games capitol vibe from the descriptions. Not sure if that's intentional or not. As I go - tripped over 'they' right off in the first paragraph. It's the same problem I had originally with this pronoun in AFD - when used in a paragraph where they is also plural for other people being talked about, you have to read several times to figure out which they is being referred to. Could be fixed as easily as changing first sentence to: "...it was that the guests knew their cordials." Then add one more sentence about the guests, then paragraph break to direct Savae POV in next. First three readthroughs I thought it was strange that I was getting POV of guests getting violet up their noses when this was Savae's POV. Fourth read through I finally figured out what was happening. - I'm unclear what Savae is doing with the glass. Are they just reforming the glass, or is this special glass? Magical powers? I don't know what is going on, but the imagery is pretty. - Senate is closed to merchant classes and women? Is this the first time the reader has been shown the patriarchal nature of this society, or have I missed other, less direct clues? - page 4: Yes, Lasila, thank you for wondering where the orgy parts will be taking place. Let's discuss this in detail. - page 7: "...hair shone like butter..." This is not the most flattering imagery. Shiny butter is melting butter, and that's a little gross

What is the purpose of a 'Citizen Test'? I can't really comment on it unless I understand it better, I think I like the idea of Brick being unhelpful. I already like that 'character' and that would just add to my delight. The vent work and wiring...yes, more active, but very cliche still. Is there another route he could use? Or be pushed to do it against his better judgement by Brick maybe? Finding Calgary himself- YES. EMOTIONS! Hayden stuff - this all sounds fine and plausible. I'm on board.

Overall This section didn't seem as polished as the first. Still some good gems, but the Magdi relationship is still forced (but far less rapey, which I appreciate). The transitions between scenes were often jumpy and I had to back read a lot to figure out what had happened. The ending makes more sense, but I echo a lot of the same things said by spieles and Mandamon. BUT, much progress since the original. Can't wait to see the next version! As I go - page 1: why does he want to ask about Magdi? They have no more basis for a relationship than he does with any other person thus far - page 3: Why does Harth hate pride at taking lives, if taking them means they get to move on? They're already dead, so its not like he is killing them again. - page 3: Why is Magdi visiting him? Your last submission made it seem like they were not on the best of terms. - page 4: Yes, confused now even more as she offers herself. Why is she visiting him knowing that A) they're both dead and money means nothing here and B.) they weren't that close in life? - page 4: Magdi's explanation of why she is there only helps a little. I'd be more convinced if she tried to gut him first. - end of page four and beginning of page five could use a few dialogue tags, I got lost. - page four: the Magdi/Harth banter is a start, but still unconvincing. I see others have commented on this, too, so I'll stop harping on it now. - page 7: rough transition between chatting with the young solider about his love affairs and then sleeping with Magdi. A change of scene tag might be in order - page 14: the attack of the Horde into the private chambers seems out of place. Have they invaded before? - page 19: what is the point of taking the Hoard leader with him over the edge? I don't understand the reasoning.

Don't actually have LBLs to send you on this one this time around. Some comments though, per below. The opening dragged, and I agree that making it more active would be nice. The opening with the 'I feel threatened' comment could be played a lot more for grabbing comedic effect. The comment I left on it is this: 'I would find this more amusing if Oz pashed his ping into a wall and said something about Brick being threatened, or does something silly like hits his head against a wall and says ‘now I’m threatened’ or something equally desperate/comical.' I'm confused a bit as to what this chapter accomplishes. He doesn't find who he is looking for and just gets a little bit of world building with Pascal at the end. If you cut this chapter, would it affect the story as a whole? Looks like everyone is mirroring this comment, so I won't rehash it. Looking forward to next week!

I've got lawyers on it, and the contract is pretty simple compared to ones I do with my nonfiction stuff. At least that part isn't too worrisome.

Yup. Awaiting responses, although the issues is more complex than most because A) I actually have Big Time publisher interested, but need agent to access but B.) thus far the agent R&Rs want changes that are mostly awesome, but one in particular I'm not willing to make (and I understand why they want it, and I understand it makes the manuscript more attractive, but I did write the thing in multiple POV for a reason). So now we have C), publisher whose changes do not involve anything I am uncomfortable with, but I don't have an agent to help me negotiate. Hence, me having no idea what to do with my life. I could take a shot at Big Publisher with a manuscript that isn't what I want it to be anymore, or go with Small Publisher whom I adore but I'll never make any actual money with. There's also still no guarantee if I do the R&Rs that they will be to agent's satisfaction, or that Big Publisher will take it in the end. So, you know, advice always welcome. I've worked with independent publishers before. I generally like small outfits, and do reasonably well with them, but the world of nonfiction is very different. My current thought is to just go for it, get AFD out there, and work on a new manuscript to sub out to agents. Small Publisher does not have a noncompete clause, so I can keep pursuing bigger dreams. AFD is my first fiction work, and its nice to know someone really wants it (and the series), but its also weird when there has been bigger interest, but maybe the bigger interest isn't in my best interest, you know?

Thanks, Silk!

I'm going to drop out for the 4th. Big decisions happening and all.

So guys, I just got my first offer on AFD, and I like don't even know what to do with my life right now.

I'd call it a 'jet bridge'.

I've run into this, too. When you start working with more than one non-binary group, the need for pronouns outside 'they' increases exponentially.

Overall I like the world building and flow, and the detail given is fantastic. However, I am very confused. There are so many names, and such a steep learning curve for the world that I can't really get into the characters at all. I want to be in this world, and your descriptors are very realistic and hook me hard. Fewer names and potentially fewer character interactions, at least until we get the feel for the important ones, could help a lot. As I go - page 5: The pages before this were a blue of names again, and I had a hard time trying to figure out what was going on. Things started solidifying again around page 5. I still love the world building, and the handmaid is a nice touch, - page 6: black rot? Wood rots in two colors - white and brown. If it's black, he ripped off some bacterial buildup, not wood itself, or some damage by marine borers combined with bacterial sludge #woodscience - page 11: 'lady scholar' does in no way endear me to the MC, even if it is in-character for him

#DVpit still yielding amazing, mind blowing results. Just got another R&R request!!!!! And a few more !!!!!!!!!! for good measure.

Every time I see a new submission from you, I think will this be the orgy? Please tell me this is the orgy! Overall GAH! SO CLOSE TO THE ORGY, YET SO FAR! I can see Lasila's nervousness easily, so that part is fine. Her escort is intriguing, and I am hoping to learn more about him. Generally, the narrative flowed well. The dressing scene had a few drag areas, but the carriage ride was great. Seems like Robinski and Spieles echo the same sentiment. As I go - page 1: I like the gentle reprimand of Nalira. Shows the naivety of Lasila, too, that she didn't pick up on the 'simple' suggestion. - page 2: they're going to start with the face? If the dress goes on over the head, this seems like not a good idea - page 3: hahahaha....rayon as 'tree silk'.... I just, wood science.... - page 3: wow, she's really botching the honorifics today, isn't she? - page 5: trousers on women attract the wrong sort of attention, eh? Fascinating.

Hey Silk (unsure how to tag), could we maybe get this pinned for a bit? I think it's a discussion that needs to happen. So heeeeeey everyone. Here is your place to discuss all things pronoun related, gender related, maybe a dash of #ownvoices or QUILTBAG dynamics in writing. This is a safe place for questions, but expect honest answers. Debate is encouraged, but be respectful of those within marginalized communities. So, if the use of 'they' or 'it' bugs you, post about why. If you are having problems understanding why non-gendered or non-binary characters would be written, ask it here. If you write these characters and need guidance, post away! If you want to share stories, or offer your own expertise, please do so!

Welcome! Overall I'm not really certain as to the plot, and I don't have a firm grasp of the characters. A lot of time was spent in world building, and very little on personality and purpose. As a first draft it is intriguing, and I think with some expansion on character and motivation and some decrease in world, this would be a very compelling read. Looks like this feedback has been given above, as well. Your questions Death of guy 1: I liked this a lot. It was the one place I really felt tension in the narrative Battle scene: I was confused and therefore not invested. Some backstory would have to be given for me to care about this scene. As I go thoughts - first paragraph is enormous. Please break it up. My eyes boggle. This is not a good look for me. - page 1: 'the thing was bordered'. I understand and appreciate the use of 'they' as a non-gendered pronoun, but you will encounter a few more pitfalls with it over something like 'xie' or some other constructed pronoun. One such pitfall is this, where you have been referring to death (I think?), and then indicate something as 'the thing'. I assume you are referring to the steps? Yes? I'm not sure, because I could see where death could be considered a 'thing' as well, and sometimes 'they' is used to dehumanize instead of indicate non-gender (or outside binary gender). Long winded, but my point is this - you have to be a lot more careful with 'they' when writing. Make sure all your gender neutral nouns get strong descriptors, so that confusion is less likely to occur. As an aside, I actually started with 'it' in AFD, then morphed to 'they', then finally 'xie', as I perpetually ran into this issue. Using new terms also opens up a whole new world of distinctions of gender, if that's your bag. A number of us here on the forum write non-gendered or non-binary characters (hell, I'm non binary myself), and we all come at it from slightly different angles. I think maybe we should start a thread about this, because it does keep coming up and it'd be fun to discuss. - page 1: could I convince you to expand your jungle description? That's a pretty loose term, and I spend a great deal of time in jungles, so would love to see more on this. Not a lot more, but maybe, like, a sentence talking about canopies and tree type. - while we're on the topic of jungles, I assume your 'vines' are actually liana, yes? You're referring to the ominous, slithering vine-like things that climb up trees and slowly choke the life from them? Liana is a better word, especially for the context you're presenting. Ivy is a vine. Liana... liana are killers of trees. - page two, the poem: that the last two lines rhyme throws me off a little - page 2, temples: what is the shape of the temple? They come in many shapes. Jungle Kaisa demands descriptors! - page 2: internal temple descriptors getting longwinded, and paragraphs are very long. - page 3: there is a man tied at the alter, yet you refer to him as 'they'. Typo, or is this world building? - page 4: so now death can walk on air... I missed the power up. Confusion. - page 4: death is referred to as 'he' in the largest paragraph. Assuming typo. Happens again top of page 5 in 'him'

Overall - the chapter is clean and flows well. I've sent you LBLs, which are minimal. My one concern for the chapter is that it lacks tension. Until the end when Oz sees his apartment, as a reader I feel completely detached from the narrative. There are a lot of high stakes discussions going on with the council and yet Oz barely reacts to any of it. Awesome Always love the living wall descriptions Bores The entire council meeting. Too much talking, not enough emotion and reacting Confuses All clear on this one Disbelief That Oz would reject blood testing. I'd think he'd be at least a little curious, enough to pause before rejecting even. Welcome back!!

Overall This flowed a lot better than the first time around, and I enjoyed this first half a lot. A few minor stumbles, detailed below. Looking forward to reading part two again. Nice cleanups! As I go - page 3: the tags get confusing at the first dialogue section. It took me a minute to realize that 'the soldier' was Harth, not the approaching character. If you referred to Harth earlier as a solider, directly, that would fix it. - page 4: I like that Harth now makes a solid choice about hell or more battle, but I'm still confused as to why he makes the choice he does. He was tired of battle, and the imagery you provided was great. Why not just choose hell? A line or two of what he thinks the alternative might be like should he make it through the battle would be excellent. - I still enjoy the survey of the 'troops' - Are we supposed to known who the hoard represent, or are they just nameless/faceless?

No, but I hear about it all the time on Twitter. If you participate, give us the deets!

Works for me

Oh yeah, that one is totally bunk. http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?275132-Tirgearr-Publishing