The Official Thread of Relationships

[marsoupial they/them]

6 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Worse still, humiliation, or even just confrontation, will probably make her feel victimized. And there is nothing more dangerous than a self-centered person who thinks they have a legitimate grievance against you. 

Actually, yeah, that's true. If you confront and embarrass Rumor Weed, she will feel targeted and retreat. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

2 minutes ago, bleeder said:

Actually, yeah, that's true. If you confront and embarrass Rumor Weed, she will feel targeted and retreat. 

Retreat to complete her master plan, maybe. Point is, confrontation and embarrassment are going to backfire. If you want to get Rumor Weed off your case, you're going to need to avoid stooping to her level while you appeal to a higher power. If you stoop to her level, you'll only give her ammunition. 

[Orlion Blight he/him]

One thing to consider: what is Rumour Weed's boyfriend's involvement in all this? I imagine it amounts to inaction and shows that he is not worth reestablishing a friendship with.

[Kaymyth she/her]

3 hours ago, Orlion Determined said:

One thing to consider: what is Rumour Weed's boyfriend's involvement in all this? I imagine it amounts to inaction and shows that he is not worth reestablishing a friendship with.

Rumor Weed has already been established as having a remarkable talent at manipulation, particularly when it comes to boyfriends.  We don't know how she's been spinning this to him, and she may very well have him feeling like he's trapped.

And remember that we're talking about teenagers here.  Nobody involved has achieved full emotional maturity, and making sweeping judgments about a child's (because high schoolers ARE still children, for all that we are accustomed on the Shard to interacting with them as more-or-less equals) character based on how easily manipulated he is by his girlfriend is too harsh.

[Straw he/him]

@Cognizantastic You should definitely compile evidence and I have only one thing to add to this: make notes about the cronies too, they can often make it harder for you to prove your evidence. Also try telling people who haven't heard the rumor your side of the story, producing evidence that contradicts the rumor, asking Rumor weed's boyfriend what he thinks of the rumor in private, or facing down Rumor weed with a close circle of friends.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Straw

[Silverblade5 he/him]

3 hours ago, Cognizantastic said:

No: public confrontation, public humiliation (that is just a reprehensible thing to do in the first place), confrontation in general unless absolutely merited.

Yes: compiling evidence, continuing to support close friend, advising her to not respond

I've had experience with this girl. She does not listen to reason, and conversation (no matter how nonconfrontational) only results in her using warped versions of others' words as ammunition. Thanks for your input @TwiLyghtSansSparkles and @Kaymyth. You bring wisdom as always. 

So, a child Twimom then?

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

2 minutes ago, Silverblade5 said:

So, a child Twimom then?

That was actually my first thought.  Take it from me, you can't argue with Twimom. Even when she's demonstrably wrong, she's right.

[Erunion he/him]

@Cognizantastic - sounds like you're dealing with a bit of a Sadeas, eh? 

Where possible, compile evidence. Support your friend, make it clear that you know the rumours are false, and that you support her. 

Wherever possible, counter the rumours with truth and a smiling, relaxed attitude. Treat the rumours as ridiculous (and a bit offensive), because they clearly are. 

Is rumour weed's boyfriend a friend of yours? If so, he needs to know just how deep a pile of crem he's getting into in this relationship. You are a guy with evidence of rumour weeds craziness from one of her ex-boyfriends, yah? That should give you credibility. 

 

HOWEVER - you guys are teenagers. So a lot of people there are emotionally immature (the unfortunate reality of the teenage years: significant physical and mental development preceeds significant emotional development for most of us. I will say that I absolutely 100% do not miss being a teenager.)

 

Good luck, my friend. 

 

@Darkness Ascendant - never ever is it the right thing to do to public ally humiliate people, or make them feel like dirt. It is OFTEN the right thing to do to privately or publically confront people, with witnesses and evidence, but the goal should NEVER be to humiliate. It should only ever be to solve problems, improve the clarity of the situation, or to clear the air. 

A good pattern of confrontation with someone is to take an issue to them privately and politely first, being honest and forthright. Then if their behaviour does not change, bring several people with you, including at least one neutral party, to discuss the issue. If that doesn't help, assume the situation to be irresolvable and move on with your life, or if it's serious go to the authorities to take action. 

This pattern unfortunately, will likely not work in @Cognizantastic's case, as he is dealing with what we here colloquially refer to as a Twimom. Under those circumstances, it often takes extreme motivation or an act of God to institute a change, as people like that are so self absorbed they cannot comprehend the need to change their behaviour. 

 

Also, do your Lebanese classmates like being referred to as Wogs? That used to be an extremely derogatory term, and AFAIK still is. You might be being a bit racist with your words and attitudes (I doubt it's intentional racism, but I advise caution - you may deeply hurt someone, making them feel ostracized or alone in your environment). 

[Delightful]

On 8 September 2016 at 3:44 PM, Cognizantastic said:

Thanks, Twi. I'll pass the advice along.

Yeah… Rumor Weed is kind of a monster. She dominated a year of the life of a different friend by using manipulative, hateful tactics (e.g: cutting him off from other relationships, systematically lowering his self-esteem) to keep him from breaking up with her. She's had me sent to the office after she spun me confronting her over what she'd done as bullying on my part. I hoped my days of having to put up with her were over once she broke up with the other friend, but apparently not.

Rumor Weed is a blight in my life once again. 

That is, I believe, textbook emotional abuse. Yikes. 

Just, yeah, I'd recommend everyone staying as far from Rumour Weed as possible, ignore her as much as possible cause she miiight stop if she's not getting a reaction plus it's just not worth the energy. 

And....make sure your friend doesn't start believing the rumours since they're said so often. You know the saying, if you lie enough people will start believing it? Don't let your awesome friend doubt herself. If it's not awkward, you could tell her a group of strangers have got her back.  

 

 

 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

@Cognizantastic, sweet Jesu man.......Ok, I'll "rethink" how I interact, for the good of everyone one the Shard here

[Erunion he/him]

7 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

@Cognizantastic, sweet Jesu man.......Ok, I'll "rethink" how I interact, for the good of everyone one the Shard here

It's mostly for your own good! Only you can make you into a better person  

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

1 minute ago, Erunion said:

It's mostly for your own good! Only you can make you into a better person  

I'm not even going to answer, that I don't trust myself to speak, I had a really good day out on excursion today (relatively, seeing as everyone's a storming dick to me)

 

[marsoupial they/them]

@Darkness Ascendant We're not trying to be dicks. We just don't want Cogni's life to be a living hell because did something stupid to a girl who is causing enough problems as it is.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

3 hours ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

I'm not even going to answer, that I don't trust myself to speak, I had a really good day out on excursion today (relatively, seeing as everyone's a storming dick to me)

 

Darkness, there is a very big difference between "everyone is being a dick to me" and "I gave advice that would have made the situation far worse and several people corrected me." There is also a difference between "everyone is being a dick to me" and "I used a term that is considered offensive and someone politely pointed out that fact while giving me the full benefit of the doubt." 

I know you're young, and so its all the better that you learn this now. Friends correct each other. If someone calls you on your behavior, the best thing to do is listen to them, weigh what they have to say, and take their advice to heart--not respond with passive aggression. 

[Voidus]

Ok looks like tensions are running a bit high here, posts will be reviewed by mods but in the meantime:
@Darkness Ascendant Try to keep in mind that when someone is experiencing as much stress and anger as @Cognizantastic is that they're 1) Not likely to be at their most polite when someone suggests a relatively extreme solution 2) They should not be making the decision to try to ruin the life of the object of their anger. Even if a public calling-out was required the decision to do so is not one best made while you're still red with rage.

@Cognizantastic While I can tell where you were coming from please try to keep the bolded, caps-lock yelling to a minimum. Yes it was an extreme solution and one that many could consider offensive but the last thing we want is to turn this into a youtube comments section and just yell at each other.

Keeping an eye on the thread for the moment, anyone involved feel free to PM myself or other mods/admins if you feel further moderation is immediately required.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Partly to lighten things up, partly because it's an abominably catchy tune, here is the song I shamelessly took the nickname Rumor Weed from. 

Spoiler

 

For context, yes, the Rumor Weed was spreading the rumor that Larry-Boy's butler, Alfred, was a robot. It began when Alfred visited an elementary school class for some reason and ended with "I need to go home and recharge my batteries," which caused two kids to spread the rumor that he was a robot. This caused a literal Rumor Weed to spring up (a weed with sassy cats-eye classes and bright red lips), which both spread the rumor all over and was fueled by the spreading rumors, and so it eventually got so big that Larry-Boy had no choice but to defeat it in a battle for the ages….

Have I mentioned that VeggieTales was kind of an odd show?  

[Erunion he/him]

3 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Partly to lighten things up, partly because it's an abominably catchy tune, here is the song I shamelessly took the nickname Rumor Weed from. 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

For context, yes, the Rumor Weed was spreading the rumor that Larry-Boy's butler, Alfred, was a robot. It began when Alfred visited an elementary school class for some reason and ended with "I need to go home and recharge my batteries," which caused two kids to spread the rumor that he was a robot. This caused a literal Rumor Weed to spring up (a weed with sassy cats-eye classes and bright red lips), which both spread the rumor all over and was fueled by the spreading rumors, and so it eventually got so big that Larry-Boy had no choice but to defeat it in a battle for the ages….

Have I mentioned that VeggieTales was kind of an odd show?  

Odd, but fun  

usually. 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

18 hours ago, bleeder said:

@Darkness Ascendant We're not trying to be dicks. We just don't want Cogni's life to be a living hell because did something stupid to a girl who is causing enough problems as it is.

Not u guys.....

real world problems. I meant at school, everyone was a dick to me.

sorry if it sounded as if u guys were being the dicks :/ 

[Voidus]

11 hours ago, Cognizantastic said:

Gotcha. I apologize for the extreme nature of my all-caps, bolded comment @Darkness Ascendant. I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, for I genuinely recognize how excessive emphasis can only serve to exacerbate tensions. That's on me.

@Voidus, I will refrain from such behavior in the future. Thanks for calling me out; I need it sometimes. 

 

5 hours ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

Not u guys.....

real world problems. I meant at school, everyone was a dick to me.

sorry if it sounded as if u guys were being the dicks :/ 

This is why I love the Shard, everyone apologizes and even thanks people for getting called out. We're the Britain of the internet.
Thanks both of you for clearing everything up so quickly.
We now return to your regularly scheduled viewing.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Our pleasure Voidus

[Delightful]

2 hours ago, Voidus said:

 

This is why I love the Shard, everyone apologizes and even thanks people for getting called out. We're the Britain of the internet.
Thanks both of you for clearing everything up so quickly.
We now return to your regularly scheduled viewing.

[Briar King]

All that neg reping is silly. I just came and read the last 2 pgs and my mind was kinda blown seeing all that. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Briar King said:

All that neg reping is silly. I just came and read the last 2 pgs and my mind was kinda blown seeing all that. 

It was sad to read, I hate neg rep with a solid passion. Had I been involved in it, I might have had something intelligent to say about it, but since I wasn't, all I can do is launch suppositions based on my readings.

I'll just merely say fitting is is not easy (we all know this), but we don't all deal with it in the same ways and those who struggle the most may not be the ones we think.

Those would be my words of wisdom for the day.

 

[Briar King]

10 minutes ago, maxal said:

It was sad to read, I hate neg rep with a solid passion. Had I been involved in it, I might have had something intelligent to say about it, but since I wasn't, all I can do is launch suppositions based on my readings.

I'll just merely say fitting is is not easy (we all know this), but we don't all deal with it in the same ways and those who struggle the most may not be the ones we think.

Those would be my words of wisdom for the day.

 

Neging has a proper place where it's deserved(trolls) but that was an attack straight up. Darkness was actually right about the dick thing as he was being pounced on with buttons imo anyway. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Briar King said:

Neging has a proper place where it's deserved(trolls) but that was an attack straight up. Darkness was actually right about the dick thing as he was being pounced on with buttons imo anyway. 

I will never approve of negative reputation unless the individual has proven to effectively be a troll. In this specific case, my conclusions are it was badly handled on both side, but I am kinda playing at guessing where everyone is coming from.