The Official Thread of Relationships

[Briar King]

Lying part is the downside but it would be easier if it's just for him. They have fake a call apps. Make your phone ring then just talk to yourself"Hey baby I've missed you so much! Oh yay I'm excited to see you!" Etc lol much easier/safer for guys to do this vs girls incase the guy gets psycho.

in any case your going to have to confront the issue with him and its seeming sooner then later.

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

I will never understand humans. I started talking to a girl cause she was wearing a squirtle shirt so we had a discussion about pokemon. She already had a beau so i just thought hey another friend; she gave me her contact deets to find her online but my tablet didn't save it when i tried contacting her a couple of days after. However her friend was still here (who just happened to be me near at the time i tried) at the hostel so she let me message her through her phone. Her friend then tells me that she messaged back, only not with the response i was hoping. Turne out she was surprised to hear from me and said why i even bothered to message, and then i got called weird, which i can see how it would look. Trying to human = exasperating, either try too hard or not enough and i still do the wrong thing :S

[Delightful]

43 minutes ago, AnanasSpren said:

I will never understand humans. I started talking to a girl cause she was wearing a squirtle shirt so we had a discussion about pokemon. She already had a beau so i just thought hey another friend; she gave me her contact deets to find her online but my tablet didn't save it when i tried contacting her a couple of days after. However her friend was still here (who just happened to be me near at the time i tried) at the hostel so she let me message her through her phone. Her friend then tells me that she messaged back, only not with the response i was hoping. Turne out she was surprised to hear from me and said why i even bothered to message, and then i got called weird, which i can see how it would look. Trying to human = exasperating, either try too hard or not enough and i still do the wrong thing :S

I guess she didn't expect you to actually try make contact. You know like when you bump into someone in the street "oh we totally have to hang out!" but you're both just saying that to be polite?

Why she gave her actual contact details then I have no idea. 

And there's no way you could have known so I don't think you were being weird at all. Just some unclear communication is all. 

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

@Delightful yeah, i mean i wouldn't get offended/hurt or anything if she didn't wanna but hey ho; learning curve :S

[Delightful]

1 minute ago, AnanasSpren said:

@Delightful yeah, i mean i wouldn't get offended/hurt or anything if she didn't wanna but hey ho; learning curve :S

Learning curve for her too I think. 

[Briar King]

How goes the co worker romances for skaa and twi these days?

[Briar King]

Ha. I'm massively picking on both of them for sure

[skaa he/him]

6 hours ago, Briar King said:

How goes the co worker romances for skaa and twi these days?

As Cognizantastic puts it, it does not go at all. While I still go to the office every now and then for events, I now work primarily in my condo and have not communicated with the girl, who thankfully has been deployed in her client's office since last week. I must confess that during the few times I've seen her recently, I still feel attraction towards her (she is a very pretty lady), but I don't let such feelings get in the way of my goal of keeping my distance.

It has been suggested here that I look for other dating opportunities. Frankly, I've been too busy these days to even think of dating, but the other day a friend messaged me online saying that she'll be moving somewhere near my place next week, and that we should hang out. Obviously my first thought was "Score!", but after a bit of thinking I'm starting to get confused.

You see, I already tried pursuing this other girl before, back when we were coworkers. She's not really the sexy type and she doesn't affect me as strongly as the first girl does, but she's a cute Chinese gamer chick and I found her quite interesting. I gave her a Rubik's Cube once after she mentioned how she's interested in solving it, and she seemed pleased with the gift. Unfortunately, that was probably the last good move I did. As with other girls I'm attracted to, I quickly found that I just couldn't talk intelligently when I'm with her. It's like my brain just stops working, and I keep on saying stupid, inane, cliched things.

Eventually, as can be expected, she told me we should just be friends. She said she didn't want want to be in a relationship with a non-Chinese guy because her parents might object. That may or may not have been just an excuse, but I was sure another reason was that she found me to be beneath her intellectually.

Anyway, that was three years ago. She left the company a year later. The last time we saw each other was last year, in a mall near my place. We randomly bumped into each other and she asked me to help her with her shopping, then we ended up having lunch together. Since she clearly and unambiguously rejected me in the past, I of course did not think much of that event. She just needed a friend to help her with stuff, and having lunch in a mall was a perfectly normal thing for friends to do.

I'm confused by her recent message because I'm not exactly part of her inner circle of friends, and we rarely interact, so why would she want to "hang out" with me now all of the sudden unless she is now interested in me as well? On the other hand, I don't really see how things could have changed since she rejected me three years ago. If anything, I'm even more beneath her now that she already has a startup and is flying all over the world on business trips, and I'm still a lowly software engineer. I certainly haven't gotten more Chinese since then.

Right now I'm assuming that she just thinks I'm enough of a friend to randomly hang out with when I'm nearby. I find that flattering, though inexplicable since I've never had any friend invite me to hang out in a platonic manner before unless we were close friends. Anyway, I reckon I probably shouldn't consider this as a date, and I should probably try to keep any romantic thoughts to myself during the "hang out". What do you guys think?

Edited August 30, 2016 by skaa

[Delightful]

@skaa my two cents:

treat it as platonic. She's moving close to you, so she wants to catch up with friends she has in the area, that makes sense. If it happens to turn into something more, awesome. If not, also awesome, you have another friend!

youre no less a person for not being in a romantic/sexual relationship. It's totally normal and totally ok, and in fact it's healthier to be fine by yourself before looking for romance. Not every girl you meet has to be a potential girlfriend or you're not good enough. You're just fine as a single  

also.....I think you maybe need to rethink your definition of relationships. How lightheaded and non-functional someone makes you doesn't exactly define compatibility. Similar interests, values, and the emotion connection is more important. (Unless you're looking for a one night stand then I guess looks is most of it?)

focus on her as a person and friend and complex human being, that's where you fell short with the coworker. Actually I would suggest making a serious effort to see her only platonically, as an exercise in human interaction and working on yourself. Which isn't to say she's a means to an end. 

Love at first sight is dumb and it sounds like she's not attracted to you, so just, work on being a good friend first. 

Good luck!

Edited August 30, 2016 by Delightful

[skaa he/him]

45 minutes ago, Delightful said:

@skaa my two cents:

also.....I think you maybe need to rethink your definition of relationships. How lightheaded and non-functional someone makes you doesn't exactly define compatibility. Similar interests, values, and the emotion connection is more important. (Unless you're looking for a one night stand then I guess looks is most of it?)

I totally agree. If I wasn't clear, the fact that being in the presence of girls I'm interested in turns me into a nervous wreck is NOT what I want in my relationships. This unfortunate tendency is completely involuntary, and I hate it. I wish I could be more normal towards people I want to pursue. I wish I could show them how much we have in common rather than showing them how awkward I can be when I'm with them and turning them off.

I know that the only way to rid myself of this problem is through experience. The thing is, it's not like I don't have any close female platonic friends. I do, and I act perfectly normal when I'm around them. It's only when I've started liking someone in a non-platonic way that it becomes difficult to talk to her. So, obviously, the lowered brain function is not the reason for my attraction. Rather I become attracted first, then my brain decides to go dormant. It sucks.

Edited August 30, 2016 by skaa

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Hey man, I just "walked" into this "room" but I would just like to  put in my 1/50000 cent (If delightful's is 2 cents)

9 minutes ago, skaa said:

I totally agree. If I wasn't clear, the fact that being in the presence of girls I'm in

terested in turns me into a nervous wreck is NOT what I want in my relationships. This unfortunate tendency is completely involuntary, and I hate it. I wish I could be more normal towards people I want to pursue. I wish I could show them how much we have in common rather than showing them how awkward I can be when I'm with them and turning them off.

I know that the only way to rid myself of this problem is through experience. The thing is, it's not like I don't have any close female platonic friends. I do, and I act perfectly normal when I'm around them. It's only when I've started liking someone in a non-platonic way that it becomes difficult to talk to her. So, obviously, the lowered brain function is not the reason for my attraction. Rather I become attracted first, then my brain decides to go dormant. It sucks.

This happens to me all the time. My best advice? Whenever you are around them and you begin to get that weird feeling in your chest and the hormones decide to go on crack.....master all your willpower, It's hard to explain literally, but metaphorically GRAB that nervousness, push it down etc etc and then roughly SHOVE it into a deep dark hole. It's what I do....and it works most of the time. Very hard to explain indeed :/

16 minutes ago, skaa said:

I wish I could be more normal towards people I want to pursue. I wish I could show them how much we have in common

"normal" is just what there perspective is of you. I reckon the best way to approach someone you like is by "catching" them in the act of doing something you like to do as well. Give them a reason to talk to you

Example (completely figurative a slight bit idealistic)

Person you like: *sitting at a table reading a Sanderson book"

Me: No way, is that AoL?? Are you a sanderfan too?

Person: Yes it is AoL, what's a sanderfan?

Me: someone who likes reading Brandon Sanderson and is a fan of his work. Where are you up to?

etc etc etc....

Literally push yourself into making that first move. It may seem hard, but it is achievable. After that first move, things will get better, trust me

[Delightful]

My suggestion on melted brain? Try ignoring the fact that it's a puddle and keep trying to say something intelligent anyway. Like don't focus on "oh god I sound like an idiot", use the limited brain space left to be as engaging as possible. 

If she notices you stuttering she'll hopefully be nice about it, best case scenario she thinks it's cute. 

And just, take some deep breaths. The fate of the world doesn't depend on this one interaction.

@Darkness Ascendant you are too kind.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Delightful

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

@Delightful, I did just join this convo, so your cents are worth more than mine seeing as you've been here longer (aka Thanks)

Also @skaa....how many women are you trying to pursue.....?

[skaa he/him]

47 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

Also @skaa....how many women are you trying to pursue.....?

Currently, none. The first girl is already out of the question, and right now I don't really want to pursue this other girl again unless I find clear evidence that she's actually interested this time, though I will happily spend time with her as friends.

Edited August 30, 2016 by skaa

[Delightful]

1 hour ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

@Delightful, I did just join this convo, so your cents are worth more than mine seeing as you've been here longer (aka Thanks)

Also @skaa....how many women are you trying to pursue.....?

I don't think that's logical......aka you're welcome

42 minutes ago, skaa said:

Currently, none. The first girl is already out of the question, and right now I don't really want to pursue this other girl again unless I find clear evidence that she's actually interested this time, though I will happily spend time with her as friends.

Sounds good!

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

43 minutes ago, skaa said:

Currently, none. The first girl is already out of the question, and right now I don't really want to pursue this other girl again unless I find clear evidence that she's actually interested this time, though I will happily spend time with her as friends.

Oh ok, what u said before kinda implied you had multiple women u were interested in. Starting off as friends is good. best of luck in the way of evidence straw!  

[skaa he/him]

2 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

Oh ok, what u said before kinda implied you had multiple women u were interested in. Starting off as friends is good. best of luck in the way of evidence straw!  

Thanks! I've pursued a number of women in the past, but I'm not trying to do so presently.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

8 hours ago, Briar King said:

How goes the co worker romances for skaa and twi these days?

 

8 hours ago, Cognizantastic said:

Hopefully they don't go at all, right @TwiLyghtSansSparkles?  

I'm happy to report that Coworker has been maintaining his distance from me. He still asks questions like "That was a detailed question, huh?" after a patron leaves the desk, but he hasn't done anything intimidating to ensure I answer, or pressed for more than a terse "Yep, sure was." I've been keeping a summary of all the intimidating things he's done, just in case I need to take it to a supervisor, but I haven't added to it in over a week. 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

I feel bad for the co-worker, obviously he is inexperienced too

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

8 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

I feel bad for the co-worker, obviously he is inexperienced too

He definitely comes across as awkward, but his behavior was legitimately scaring me. 

[Delightful]

32 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

 

I'm happy to report that Coworker has been maintaining his distance from me. He still asks questions like "That was a detailed question, huh?" after a patron leaves the desk, but he hasn't done anything intimidating to ensure I answer, or pressed for more than a terse "Yep, sure was." I've been keeping a summary of all the intimidating things he's done, just in case I need to take it to a supervisor, but I haven't added to it in over a week. 

That sounds like improvement! Yaaaay!  

[Orlion Blight he/him]

59 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

I feel bad for the co-worker, obviously he is inexperienced too

It does not really matter. It's like that Lewis C K routine says: you don't get to decide if you're being a cremhole.

Also, the following blog entry from John Scalzi seems like it would be very relevant right now: Presenting "An Incomplete Guide to Not Creeping"

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/08/09/an-incomplete-guide-to-not-creeping/

[Erunion he/him]

@skaa glad to see things are working a bit better for you!!

 

With this new contact, go into it with zero expectations. Maybe she regrets rejecting you, maybe she's just being friendly, or maybe she wants to hire you! You say she has a startup, so that's entirely possible! 

The fact of the matter is, you don't know. So just go and be a friend! 

 

On on the topic of nervousness around girls you're interested in - 'there's nothing you must deal with that is not common to man'... We pretty much all have to deal with that. 

Your best bet is just to focus on her as a friend (or even as a potential employer!). Be friendly, normal and just squish down any feelings for now. 

 

Good luck my Sanderfriend!

[Kaymyth she/her]

2 hours ago, Orlion Determined said:

It does not really matter. It's like that Lewis C K routine says: you don't get to decide if you're being a cremhole.

Also, the following blog entry from John Scalzi seems like it would be very relevant right now: Presenting "An Incomplete Guide to Not Creeping"

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/08/09/an-incomplete-guide-to-not-creeping/

The more I read of that man's blog, the more I thoroughly enjoy his existence as a human being.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

26 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

The more I read of that man's blog, the more I thoroughly enjoy his existence as a human being.

Agreed. His books are entertaining enough, but his blog! He's in a position with enough talent to give no nonsense commentary that people like me need!