Nightwatcher Boon/Bane (Game)

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

8 hours ago, Eluvianii said:

I wish for all the muffins.

Granted. 

Based on a Statista report on 2019 muffin volume forecasts in select markets in the EU (Spoilered below) 

Spoiler

The 10 sampled EU countries consumed 24,719 tons of muffins in 2019 (roughly 50 million lbs), and the sampled countries had a population of 421 million. So just for the 10 sampled countries, approximately 68 tons of muffins were consumed daily, with a per capita daily muffin consumption rate of 0.000323 lbs of muffin / person. 

Ignoring muffins consumed in the developing world, we will use the 2020 population of the G20 group of countries, 4.6 billion people, and use a daily per capita muffin consumption rate half of the EU survey, 0.0001615 lbs of muffins per day per person, to arrive at a reasonable estimate that on any given day 743,000 lbs of muffins are consumed, meaning that when you suddenly get "all the muffins" you are in fact crushed quite thoroughly by 371 tonnes of muffiny goodness. 

Hope you at least had your mouth open and got a couple bites in. 

I wish I could output my vision in a manner where it is recordable through non-invasive means (i.e. no electrodes, data Jack's, brain implants, etc) so that I could record the phosphene patterns of light that occur from purely mechanical retinal stimulation when when I rub my eyes.

[Shob the Voidbringer]

granted, you're stuck in a suit of armor as heavy as shardplate, but it doesn't regenerate, and the only way to get out of it is to break it all. good for you.

i wish that all of the books Brandon Sanderson is planning on writing come out now

[NameIess]

3 minutes ago, Shob the Voidbringer said:

i wish that all of the books Brandon Sanderson is planning on writing come out now

Granted. They are absolutely terrible.

I wish for a Soulcaster.

[Shob the Voidbringer]

Just now, Nameless said:

Granted. They are absolutely terrible.

I wish for a Soulcaster.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thought that no one would dare give me that bane

[Gak he/him]

granted, but it can only make cat food and milk

i wish for 5 healthy, obedient triceratops the size of cats that eat chicken feed

[Shob the Voidbringer]

granted, for the next 4 weeks, your feet are stuck in cinder blocks

i wish for 5000 minecraft squids to fall on the white house

[Gak he/him]

granted but your next post cant have any words shorter then 3 letters

i wish for reese's pieces for all mankind

Edited January 5, 2021 by Gak

[NameIess]

Just now, Gak said:

i wish for reese's pieces for all mankind

Granted. All mankind is now allergic to peanuts.

I wish to know the right thing to do in any situation.

[Gak he/him]

granted but you cant turn left

i wish for my bother to lose the game

[Shob the Voidbringer]

not granted

[Gak he/him]

you forgot to make a wish

[Chasmgoat he/him]

and the words were supposed to be shorter than 3 letters

[Stormgate he/him]

I will restart the wishes. 

I wish that 2021 brings as much good as 2020 brought bad. 

[NameIess]

15 minutes ago, Stormgate said:

I wish that 2021 brings as much good as 2020 brought bad. 

Granted. It will also bring three times as much bad.

I wish for dinosaurs.

[Gak he/him]

granted, but all dogs will vanish until the end of the year.

i wish for a triceratops

[Condensation she/her]

Granted. It replaces your best friend.

I wish my voice was always well lubricated, so I didn't need to warm up or worry about it dying in the middle of a song.

[Gak he/him]

granted but your shadow is now neon pink and mocks you

i wish for lasting happiness

[Condensation she/her]

1 minute ago, Gak said:

granted but your shadow is now neon pink and mocks you

i wish for lasting happiness

Sounds amazing, actually. Granted. It lasts until the end of your life. However, you can no longer appreciate the contrast of sadness and happiness because of your endless happiness, so happiness begins to feel worse and worse until you may as well have lasting sadness.

I wish for another amazing kitty.

[+JesterLavorre she/they]

4 minutes ago, Condensation said:

Sounds amazing, actually. Granted. It lasts until the end of your life. However, you can no longer appreciate the contrast of sadness and happiness because of your endless happiness, so happiness begins to feel worse and worse until you may as well have lasting sadness.

I wish for another amazing kitty.

Granted! The kitty is the most amazing, perfect kitty. Unfortunately, you are now extremely allergic to cats.

I wish I could fly. I wish I could touch the sky.

[Gak he/him]

granted, you can fly, but random chunks of the sky act solid to you because you also wished to "touch the sky"

i wish for super-endurance.

[Knight of Iron she/they]

10 hours ago, Gak said:

granted, you can fly, but random chunks of the sky act solid to you because you also wished to "touch the sky"

i wish for super-endurance.

Have your super-endurance! Now, have fun for the next 20,000 years on Braize, holding up the Oathpact!

I wish for a scholarship.

[Gak he/him]

granted, but you have to spend the next month in one room.

i wish for some cheese and crackers.

[The Unknown Medallion he/him]

On 1/9/2021 at 8:47 PM, Gak said:

granted, but you have to spend the next month in one room.

i wish for some cheese and crackers.

Granted, they are poisoned.

I wish for any book I want, even if it hasn't been written yet.

[Gak he/him]

granted, but you have to pay double for it.

i wish to have a spectacular bane.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

13 hours ago, The Unknown Order said:

I wish for any book I want, even if it hasn't been written yet.

Granted! Anytime you want to read any book, you simply form a mental command "I want to read ________" (insert name of book in the blank) and a leather-bound, tastefully designed, handsomely illustrated hard cover collectible edition of that book appears in your hand, even if the book you wish to read has yet to be written. 

Due to the fact that your boon is two pronged, your bane is likewise two part. 

The first part of your bane is that your eyeballs are rotated 180 degrees, and you can only see with great effort by turning your eyes and looking at things with your peripheral vision. 

The second and far more insidious part of your bane is that if the book you wish to read hasn't been written yet, then it is written by an AI codenamed Mission Ragged Xanth (MRX) that was programmed through machine learning by being fed the collected works of Horatio Alger, Piers Anthony and L. Ron Hubbard. All books written by MRX that are a continuation of a series unfortunately become Canon. Inevitably books written by MRX have a down and out orphan helped onto the path of moral rectitude by a kindly man of the world, an extremely annoying side character that has cringe inducing dialog, and conflicts that are largely solved by the skillful application of Dianetics.

(I know Gak beat me to the punch, but I fell asleep last night before I could post it, and MRX is pretty sweet) 

4 hours ago, Gak said:

granted, but you have to pay double for it.

i wish to have a spectacular bane.

Granted. 

Every movement you make, and every interaction with matter that you perform is accompanied by an overly loud sound effect, as if you are in a cartoon. 

Simple arm movements are accompanied by exaggerated whooshing noises, when you catch something it's always accompanied by a dramatic clapboard snapping sound, and the lightest brush against your nose produces a loud noise like the honk from a bulb horn.

Every time you sit down it sounds like you sat on a Whoopi cushion. Everytime you raise your eyebrows in surprise the loud sound of a synchronized slide whistle can be heard. If you get even a little bit angry the air is split by the piercing sound of a whistling tea kettle. Every door you open has noisome creaking hinges. Every floorboard invariably creaks when you walk upon it. The simple act of eating is a symphony of over done sound effects of mastication, swallowing, slurping and burping. But there is in fact a silver lining, you capatilize on your bane by setting up a YouTube channel where subscribers send in requests to have you perform a variety of tasks to see what cartoon sound effect will accompany the requested actions, like throw a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at a wall, or pet your cat with fingerless gloves, or bounce a ball off a bowl of Jello, etc. Needless to say you soon have the 3rd most popular channel on YouTube and are soon making whatever cartoon sound effect accompanies rolling around in mountains of internet cash. 

I wish I had a pancake machine that with the push of a button would produce delicious pancakes. This is a real thing, they had one at the Continental breakfast at the Hotel I stayed at last weekend. Here's a picture Nightwatcher, so you know what I'm talking about. 

I further wish that I could print images on the golden browned surfaces of the pancakes it produces, kind of like it's a pancake printer.