The Battle for the Sandwich

[NameIess]

I hire a lawyer in midair, and he voids all of your contracts, resulting in gravity and wind returning to normal and the sandwich falling onto the plate that I place below it.

[Immortal Platypus]

The judge for the lawsuit was corrupt! *gasp* I take the situation to court again and my contract stands true but Sequence's doesn't because she didn't give anything to the other side.

[NameIess]

I appeal all the way to the Supreme Court, and they decide that your contract was in fact invalid due to the payment being given under false pretenses. Then I take the sandwich back.

[ThroughTheLivingSequence she/her/they/them]

Due to some legal shenanigans, you are both convicted of fourth-degree arsonist murderism and are sent to maximum security prison to serve out fourteen life sentences. Being the supreme police chief of the entire world™, I claim the Sandwich as my own.

[NameIess]

I start a prison riot in order to raise an army of sandwich thieves.

[ThroughTheLivingSequence she/her/they/them]

The warden panics and calls me. "A riot? For the Sandwich?!" I look at the Sandwich sitting in a time-stopping capsule on the desk of my office in the new tallest building ever, which is called "The Sequence". I hang up in a panic and call the president of the united states, telling him to airstrike the prison.

[Immortal Platypus]

I destroy any missiles incoming and escape. I come back and free the other people contained there. Then I, ignoring everything the laws of physics, reach into the time-stopping capsule and take the sandwich. Then I exit the building I was hiding in.

[NerdyAarakocra They/Them]

I sue you for violating the laws of physics and therefore breaking the rules. I win the suit and get the sandwich. I also put on my new snazzy suit.

[Edema Rue she/her]

The necromancer decides that the Caterpillar is no longer a worthy servant. As a result, the Caterpillar re-dies and the sentient Mushroom comes back to life. It steals the sandwich. And the suit.

[Immortal Platypus]

1 hour ago, NerdyAarakocra said:

I sue you for violating the laws of physics and therefore breaking the rules. I win the suit and get the sandwich. I also put on my new snazzy suit.

I appeal it to the Supreme Court who go my way because the laws of physics are broken all the time. Thus it doesn't break any of the rules. I win a new suit and some money. I buy the sandwich off the sandwich and suit from the mushroom.

[Edema Rue she/her]

The Mushroom buys the sandwich back, then leaves.

[Immortal Platypus]

I sue it for taking my sandwich without giving me money. I get the sandwich back and make an Anti-lawsuit-inatorTM and leave.

[Edema Rue she/her]

Luckily, you were hallucinating the whole thing; the Mushroom bought the sandwich, and payed in full.

[Immortal Platypus]

But Platypus never agreed to the deal! The legal system gives him back the sandwich after his lawsuit pointing out that Immortal Platypi are incapable of hallucinations.

[NerdyAarakocra They/Them]

However, the SCOTUS justice in charge of writing the dissent for Platypus's appeal against me wrote so well that it spurred the Senate into action and they passed a law saying that you have to make a cursory nod to the laws of physics. I get the sandwich.

[Immortal Platypus]

I perform my cursory nod and take the sandwich back.

[NerdyAarakocra They/Them]

I yoink the sandwich with my new Yoink-Inator ordered from 

Spoiler

Doofenshmirtz_Evil_Inc._building.webp

 

[Immortal Platypus]

1 minute ago, NerdyAarakocra said:

Spoiler

Doofenshmirtz_Evil_Inc._building.webp

 

Not going to lie, i expected it to be a rick roll

My new anti-yoinker was a scam! I inform the company and they get me the sandwich and destroy your yoink-inator so I won't sue them.

[NerdyAarakocra They/Them]

Just now, Being of Cacophony said:

Not going to lie, i expected it to be a rick roll

My new anti-yoinker was a scam! I inform the company and they get me the sandwich and destroy your yoink-inator so I won't sue them.

I sue the company for destruction of private property. I also steal the sandwich back while you're not looking for good measure, but I fully expect for it to be stolen back sometime soon.

"Hey, do you want to go to that new restaurant in town?"

[Immortal Platypus]

"Yeah." On the way, I take the sandwich back.

[NerdyAarakocra They/Them]

"Great! See you there on... Page 73?"

[Immortal Platypus]

"Sounds about right. See you there!"

[Edema Rue she/her]

5 hours ago, NerdyAarakocra said:

I sue the company for destruction of private property. I also steal the sandwich back while you're not looking for good measure, but I fully expect for it to be stolen back sometime soon.

"Hey, do you want to go to that new restaurant in town?"

The Mushroom mumbles something in the language of sentient mushrooms that can be assumed was consent. It then hides inside the sandwich, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE NOTICES

[Immortal Platypus]

Noticing a new weight to the sandwich, I assume it is the responsibility. Wait. I don't believe in responsibility. What could it be? Checking the sandwich I notice the Mushroom but say nothing so no one else knows.

[NameIess]

I cast a magic spell on the sandwich that causes it to superficially appear as a slightly less delicious sandwich, then offer you another sandwich that’s enchanted to look even more delicious than the original in trade.