Usseewa

Perhaps it's from overthinking or thinking too much for too long (i.e., mental exhaustion). Perhaps it's related to the state of mind, like depression or something. Perhaps it's simply having expressed everything for that moment. Perhaps it doesn't matter- even though I seek to know everything about everything, the causes and reasons and what is related to what, or isn't, which I've been told/know is not necessary. But, do you ever get the inability to think? Or to know what you are feeling in this moment, or what you felt in the past? To know what you *want*? To even *start* to get into that tangle/analysis paralysis that you usually do? Maybe this should be in first-person. I get that feeling, I am having it right now. My natural instinct (a tautology?) was to add "I think" to the end of that. I am like that, I can be. I should also remind myself that I can change, to not get stuck on that identity. And now I am putting my backstage thoughts here with the others. Anyway, I end up part relying on what I *remember* thinking, knowing, feeling, wanting, choosing, etc., and part not being able to think and "shutting down", getting overwhelmed, not wanting to think about it or anything anymore, until I can properly do so again. I can't make decisions, or struggle to. It can take me hours, it has, in the past. Hours of sitting there, sometimes overwhelmed to the point of crying, other times numb, others thinking or trying to think- trying to get past that block and grasp hold of some thought or feeling or *certainty*. Like right now, it becomes hard to think deeply about something, anything. I just can't return to my deep ponderings or even some of the analysis paralysis. I'm not calm, even though I am, in a way. I'm calm in expression, body, mind. But that calmness is from an absence of thought. I had this experience a few weeks ago, while writing a... disturbing stream-of-conscious, where I was not able to hear my thoughts, anymore. They were beyond reach, as they are now. Inaccessible, or accessible just barely. I can type stuff here, and there, but I don't necessarily hear the thoughts behind it, it just comes out, and sometimes it's hard. I don't really know what I'm writing right now and sometimes I need to remind myself. Perhaps, as I said, it's because I've already done two entries (I think? Maybe one?) before this, and also had some tough stuff in terms of thinking and trying to make decisions about myself and etc. stuff. But I get like this, sometimes. I'm not depressed right now, at least it doesn't feel like it. But I don't feel the happiness, ease, joy, and energy I felt earlier today. And, does it matter the cause? Maybe when thinking in terms of prevention or solutions, but not in expression or understanding? Or am I mistaken, I never know, or sometimes do but not like this, I think. Ah, yes. I try to treat my life as an SQL database. I *try* to filter all my memories and experiences to search for ones which meet a specific criteria. I don't think I succeed that often, if ever. But It's when I'm trying to think of situations in the past. Whether related to trans stuff, or to what my thought process was at a certain time- early last week, two weeks ago, two/three months ago, 10 months ago, etc. (those are all times I've tried to remember, in this way). So, what is the point of all this? To that I say, I haven't the faintest. But essentially it's a loss of cognitive and/or emotional ability, depth, or something. At least that's how I self-define it, for myself and by myself. It's when my mind runs dry, though I can't tell if it's a well waiting for rain or a river with a dam. edit: oops I forgot to schedule it..

I don't know if I "should" do multiple entries right after another, let me know if this would better have been scheduled for later. Of course I can do what I want, yada-yada. Anyway... So, some of these entries - including this one - are exploring thoughts/feelings/etc. I've experienced in the past and/or present, and likely already thought about or wrote about- even extensively. But, sometimes those were in forum posts, my mind, my journal, or through more abstract/metaphorical poetry or other writings. Or to people IRL. Here, I can expand on it while also having a different/more permanent audience, or something... that makes no sense and is weird but whatever it doesn't matter, does it? So, without further ado, have you ever felt unable to get warm? Either literally or figuratively? If the latter, not being able to get warm can describe it. So, I recently read some article or blog post or something, it probably doesn't matter and I don't know when, that used that. And I've used similar. Anyway, I had this dream once when I was pretty young (maybe 5-8 years old?) that was rather silly but essentially it involved not being able to become warm, even after having *lots* of stuff stacked on top of me (it wasn't blankets, but their function was... comparable). It was sort of a nightmare, you could say. Another example is something that happens after a shower, when my hair is still wet. I want to get comfortable, in my bed relaxing or otherwise, but can't, because my hair is wet against my pillow or hood, and isn't in the shape I want, gets in my eyes, etc. And when I'm cold and uncomfortable - or too hot, though that's different because it has a sense of agitation, of "positive" energy, rather than being "cold" (literally or otherwise) and "negative," depressing, in a sense? Also with not being able to get comfortable no matter how much I shift, what clothes I wear, etc. Sometimes it helps to have my hood up, other times it's constricting or interacts with my wet hair. Another feeling of unease/discomfort is like with (and caused by, too) having an unmade bed. At least for me. I don't want to make it, but can't settle in or relax until I do. It's both a mess to look at, and reminds me I can't relax fully until it's made. Hence discomfort, I guess. Wearing jeans, sometimes. It depends on the person, I guess - I knew someone who went to bed in jeans - but personally I can only relax and get in bed to watch anime or do whatever once I'm in PJs or other cozy pants. Jeans and stuff just feel cold or harder, sometimes. I love them during the day, and when I go out, but yeah. And I'm not sure how much this is making sense but basically I'm trying to convey experiences that either cause or serve as a metaphor or something for the persistent discomfort/unease feeling. It's the feeling that nothing will make me comfortable, at ease, in this body. It passes, sometimes, or fades into the background. It can be hard to talk about it - and other things - when not in the moment, when not experiencing it at the moment, but I think this is fairly accurate to my own experience, or how I remember thinking about/describing it in the past (not in a sense of potential distrust/caveat for the memory, but for the thoughts within that memory at the time.) It also applies for when my body feels unclean, such as not having showered in that day, etc. Though... yeah. Anyway. Inability to relax, to calm. Something-something what else do I say on this? I don't know what the point of this post was, I guess I just wanted to write about a certain feeling. If I do another today soon, I'll probably schedule it for later.

(NOT the title of a song or anything, this time) Lately I've been thinking about a feeling I get and have made at least two attempts to explain it- I think first in my journal, and second to someone I know. It has perhaps no basis or manifestation in reality, but is present in my mind and causes overwhelm and a certain type of hopelessness. I hope someone will understand, and perhaps help me understand. Have you ever used a remote-controlled car, drone, etc., but you struggle to maneuver it, to understand it, to do what you want to? You struggle to move it as naturally perhaps as your limbs? And, even your limbs sometimes feel like that. But anyway, or have you played a new video game and not been able to actually fully connect yourself to the character and be able it control them? You feel disconnected in that you have to look at your keyboard or controller or whatever? You can't remember all the controls or key combinations, you don't move fluidly but haltingly, you press buttons and feel like every time you succeed is a fluke- because it is. I got this feeling when playing Celeste for the first time- and it took a bit to get better, and never fully did. I had a dream some time ago, never mind how long precisely (hehe). But in all seriousness it was like a month ago or whatever, and part of the dream was that my body was within a videogame - Minecraft - and I struggled a *lot* to simply control it. There was one part near the end where I had to actually fight someone - it was life or death - and it felt impossible. How could I fight if I could barely move? I also have dreams where I'm running from something or someone, and I keep having to stop and start again- I somehow keep losing the speed I had. I have to run in a certain way and I just can't maintain speed or go fast. I tire or slow, all the while I *need* to keep running. I get these dreams a lot. It is actually similar to the experience I had once when I played Vanilla/Regular Minecraft after months of using a client to play it (basically some extra QoL features and stuff, if you aren't versed.) And the client basically had an option to make it so I'm always running (technically it's called sprinting in Minecraft). Regular Minecraft might have that option too, but I don't know. So, I had to like hold the keys or something to stay running. If I stop holding the keys or if I hit a block and don't jump in time, or if I stop moving (I think), then it stops my sprinting and the flow of life/game is broken. I hope those examples are relatable for the feeling. Now, how it relates to real life and my mind is that living feels impossible or nearly so- awkward, hard. Movement feels - *in my mind* - like it *will be* like those examples, which will then disrupt life and prevent me from doing *anything*, which, even in thought, has negatively impacted me. I can't imagine my future, or being successful, both in the regular sense and just in living or therapy. I had an example I talked/wrote about, where my body simply feels awkward and I imagine picking an outfit but it would... be hard. And I imagine it like wearing a skirt, where I had to sit and move certain ways, etc. I don't know if I explained this well... But it just seems impossible for *me* to navigate the world and to live. I'm going through some identity stuff/changes, I think, and part of it seems impossible- but also there's no returning; that is dead. The thing is, in reality it is easy to move- at least usually, and when I'm happy. I've had days of being upbeat, happy- I've even been described as "playful" once. But when I am sitting/laying with my thoughts and overwhelm and discomfort, I can't imagine doing anything- it feels either impossible or not able to be done fully or very hard and stressful. And also - possibly a tangent and/or unrelated - I think that sometimes, what I describe, try to describe, try to understand, etc. is actually a shared or even common feeling, but I ascribe some sense of incomprehensibility and just not being regular or mundane to it. If that means anything. And this isn't *just* with this remote-controlled dream feeling, but with other stuff. I'm in group therapy, started recently, and already people have said things that sound exactly like the things I've struggled with and thought were unable to be understood or needed a convoluted explanation because no one else experienced it and needed it explained. Or something. But with the feeling this post is about... it makes my future seem impossible. Impossible to make friends and live and fit in and settle in and function, because... maybe because I am not me? Possibly dissociation in a depression/dysphoria sense. Disconnect from reality or my body, etc. I don't think I've explored this feeling much, though. I don't know.

i have green cargo pants too and i love them dont wear them very often actually but they're very nice

Cool I like it Very good

uwu i love cardigans but only have like one or two i have this one that im wearing rn that's like a longer cardigan that is my FAVE pieace of clothing probably... at least in the sweater/hoodie/jacket/cardigan type stuff i also have fingerless gloves omg they're amazing i don't wear skirts anymore but i might eventually u probably picture me pretty accurately except skirts tho i did wear skirts before

lol yes hapy prode motnh! honestly its up to you and stuff, to figure out whether you are or arent, if you dont already know. i mean, orhers can help tho uhhh yeah anyway

yeah i been thinkin abt it

guys Fac is bak

oh

Uhm... Well of ascension? maybe idk

Uhh Hoid..?

Ah, yes how did i miss that i swore i saw hypo and then thyroidism right next to each other but funny idk ehat this thread is or why i posted

232 ありがと!

I don't wanna check how many I have due after skipping several weeks which I couldn't really have not

228 holy

That's kinda easy tbh Just "pseudo" twice, then "hypothyroidism" which if u forget is just "hypo" and "thyroidism" which is just "thyroid" and "ism" uhhhhh

*sob* Kill Tonk Fah, Kiss Denth, ...m-marry Moash Wind, Stone, Night

Yay, Nirvana! i forget who's guilty but maybe dalinar? idk

Oh and MCR right? I love that line Yes.

Oof

Pride month yip yip!

Wow did she really stay up all night huh?