Perhaps it's from overthinking or thinking too much for too long (i.e., mental exhaustion). Perhaps it's related to the state of mind, like depression or something. Perhaps it's simply having expressed everything for that moment. Perhaps it doesn't matter- even though I seek to know everything about everything, the causes and reasons and what is related to what, or isn't, which I've been told/know is not necessary.

But, do you ever get the inability to think? Or to know what you are feeling in this moment, or what you felt in the past? To know what you *want*? To even *start* to get into that tangle/analysis paralysis that you usually do? Maybe this should be in first-person.

I get that feeling, I am having it right now. My natural instinct (a tautology?) was to add "I think" to the end of that. I am like that, I can be. I should also remind myself that I can change, to not get stuck on that identity. And now I am putting my backstage thoughts here with the others.

Anyway, I end up part relying on what I *remember* thinking, knowing, feeling, wanting, choosing, etc., and part not being able to think and "shutting down", getting overwhelmed, not wanting to think about it or anything anymore, until I can properly do so again. I can't make decisions, or struggle to. It can take me hours, it has, in the past. Hours of sitting there, sometimes overwhelmed to the point of crying, other times numb, others thinking or trying to think- trying to get past that block and grasp hold of some thought or feeling or *certainty*.

Like right now, it becomes hard to think deeply about something, anything. I just can't return to my deep ponderings or even some of the analysis paralysis. I'm not calm, even though I am, in a way. I'm calm in expression, body, mind. But that calmness is from an absence of thought.

I had this experience a few weeks ago, while writing a... disturbing stream-of-conscious, where I was not able to hear my thoughts, anymore. They were beyond reach, as they are now. Inaccessible, or accessible just barely. I can type stuff here, and there, but I don't necessarily hear the thoughts behind it, it just comes out, and sometimes it's hard. I don't really know what I'm writing right now and sometimes I need to remind myself.

Perhaps, as I said, it's because I've already done two entries (I think? Maybe one?) before this, and also had some tough stuff in terms of thinking and trying to make decisions about myself and etc. stuff.

But I get like this, sometimes. I'm not depressed right now, at least it doesn't feel like it. But I don't feel the happiness, ease, joy, and energy I felt earlier today.

And, does it matter the cause? Maybe when thinking in terms of prevention or solutions, but not in expression or understanding? Or am I mistaken, I never know, or sometimes do but not like this, I think.

Ah, yes. I try to treat my life as an SQL database. I *try* to filter all my memories and experiences to search for ones which meet a specific criteria. I don't think I succeed that often, if ever. But It's when I'm trying to think of situations in the past. Whether related to trans stuff, or to what my thought process was at a certain time- early last week, two weeks ago, two/three months ago, 10 months ago, etc. (those are all times I've tried to remember, in this way).

So, what is the point of all this? To that I say, I haven't the faintest.

But essentially it's a loss of cognitive and/or emotional ability, depth, or something. At least that's how I self-define it, for myself and by myself.

It's when my mind runs dry, though I can't tell if it's a well waiting for rain or a river with a dam.

edit: oops I forgot to schedule it..