It is (possibly) Wednesday, mon dudes!

On Feeling; or, Newfound Emotional Vividity

So..........

I think I might be out of my depression, or at least the worst of it. For now or for a bit, not sure. Or may still be in it. But it's eased up I believe. Yes. And there are good and bad feelings that come with that.

Firstly, newfound emotional vividity! Lol. Hopefully I used the right words but basically... I feel like I can actually *feel,* now. And the thing is, I can't actually remember if I was the same a few weeks, months, or years ago, but it somehow *feels* very different and new?

I've watched a fair amount of movies and TV shows and anime both while still kinda depressed, and more recently when I was *maybe* not/less depressed? I struggle to define my depression. But, I've felt like I can relate to the characters much more then before (even if I don't remember what it was like before). Things feel new, the *world* feels new. I feel like I've read that described before (probably in the gdb..). But anyway, I feel like every show or movie I watch is, like, a masterpiece or something. Almost every. I feel like I can feel the characters and relate to them, their struggles, their feelings, *why* they do/say/feel something, and their lives. I've gotten goosebumps a few times, or cried or nearly cried. I used to cry a lot while reading or watching something emotional, and I usually *tried*, or wanted, to cry. But I don't feel like I could tell what it was about the characters that made me enjoy them, also. Or why they were relatable. I can scrounge up an old shard post by me about this with the Cosmere books if anyone cares. I still... can't always do it or do it a lot, but while watching a movie/show, I feel connected to the character and, in the moment, I do think of a specific thing/things that plays a role in that.

I watched Encanto again, recently, and it almost made me cry (or did, I forget). I don't remember much about when I watched it for the first time, but this time I was invested in it and the characters and I felt grief for them or happy or sad or whatever.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago when dealing with my depression stuff and the character was pretty similar to me too but I just felt very immersed, like I *was* her. I know that's kinda what media is supposed to do, lol. But it felt different, more vivid more lifelike or lively or something.

I'm listening to an audiobook now, and it has two girls who end up dating but they like each other (it's not even a classic romance lol) and I just felt very relatable to that, I related and I longed for it and felt sad but also felt *very* happy *for* them.

So, I'm not sure if this is all a new thing completely for me, or just a new thing since the depressive episode or whatever, or not new at all. Idk.

And I can sometimes feel like *I* am the character, like I can visualize myself as them and like when it describes waving or smiling or anything I feel like I am doing it too. idk.

But beyond that, I've also been more happy lately. Or, happy more. I think, something. I still feel bad sometimes/maybe even often, but sometimes I just get talkative and happyyyy. And not even talkative always, I get happy alone or quiet sometimes. And it's s different kind of happiness- I'm not just waiting for it to go downhill (even if it does). I'm living more in the moment, I guess.

I guess a good word is "carefree," perhaps. And I smile, genuinely, effortlessly, smile, the whole time.

I look forward to things, too. To D&D club or to talking to someone or whatever.

I still spiral a lot, especially in therapy when I gotta talk about difficult things, or sometimes throughout the day. I still get brainfog or something and feel depressed. But I also feel happy, and when I'm happy the depression isn't like Death looming over my shoulder.

I'm not very sure how I feel and how I feel about things, though. I say I've been happy, I say I've been depressed. But I can't remember much of what either feels like. Or, I can, vaguely, but it's too difficult to remember/feel much.

Too much to think about, I think that's what brainfog is. I think my earlier entry was describing brainfog, perhaps.

I'm not sure what I feel.

Innocuity; or, Trigger Words

Are there specific words, phrases, sentence structures or templates, questions, etc. that... trigger you? Or that irritate you, or make you feel attacked? I've found that, a lot, I wait for the "but" in a sentence, yet (hehe) it never comes, sometimes. When I'm vulnerable to someone and they respond (or before they even respond), I'm constantly waiting for them to criticize or  mock me, or to say how I'm wrong, to shake their head, to euphemize it (guess that ain't a word?) To say "well, it can feel like that, but ____" or something idk. And when I get off track and someone steers me back and I feel bad and also ignored, like all the sometimes pretty vulnerable stuff I just shared was irrelevant and they don't care, or think I'm silly or some other adjective/trait/quality. But that in itself is off-topic. I have certain things, of the types mentioned in the first sentence of this section, that makes me berate myself or breathe in or stop talking because I think something bad is coming. Or get angry, perhaps. I can't really name many because I don't remember, but yeah.

And then, there are the more trigger ones, or just things that I "don't like." There's a.. term I don't like being referred to as because it's something of s compliment and I was called it by a girl I think I liked who I won't see again unfortunately but idk I just don't want anyone else... "stealing" it? It feels special, idk.

And it seems kinda unreasonable to ask people to not use <insert pages list of words/phrases> to/around me. (I don't have a list, but I could probably make one with time.) So, whatever, I just deal with the discomfort every time something of them is spoken/said/written.

But is that like it with you? Do you have them?

Bonus that no-one wanted

Literally nobody:

Me: Labels, Diagnosis, and Internet Rabbit Holes

So cough hah yeah I mentioned this I guess and let's see if I can write something about it.

I was/am (I don't know who I am anymore, tbh. I've started saying more and more in past tense or with uncertainty), someone who goes down Internet rabbit holes of mental illness or conditions or whatever. Yarp. I'm still kinda convinced I have a certain thing that I probably don't and have been told I don't by several medical professionals and stuff.

I find it fascinating, though. It used to be more anxiety-inducing, as I would *worry* I have the thing I was researching, but now I don't worry anymore. I just pay attention to everything I and others do and how it fits the symptoms of any of the things I've researched...

Also I wanna say that uhhh self-diagnosis not necessarily good, or just plain bad idk. And uhh don't do what I do.

And I'm not only saying that for disclaimer-ey purposes. I've talked about this stuff with therapists/psychiatrists/other mental health people, and I've learned that those stuff can be a little too.. general. Or something. Idk if I should be speaking on this in the first place lol. But, symptoms also overlap, etc., and can look similar and not take into account other things.

That doesn't stop my mind unfortunately. But yeah.

Also, lately I've found labels harder to use, because to use a label for something I do or experience or whatever, even like "spiralling" or "brainfog" or "fidgeting" (though less-so) or "intrusive thoughts" or "suicidal ideation" or other things is hard for me because that, to me, implies/requires my certainty, it makes it official.

It says that I'm confident, when I'm not. Or, I start to doubt and spiral when I have to use a label.

Maybe probably.

So it can help for me, I think, to focus on my "symptoms" and how I'm affected by whatever it is, and not have to diagnose everything.

Hopefully I'm not spreading misinformation...

uhh mmm

uhm

bye