Usseewa

There's also a.... "short story" I wrote this day, but I'm not posting it cuz it's honestly both too personal and... just useless rambles. Agitated State of no Focus I am uncomfortable, and I cannever be Not. I am restless, and I willnever find mind-peace. I can can not enjoy Pessoa, not in this bed. I can not conceive, writing, Not when they are watching me. My heart beats too fast, my wrists unable to hold the Book. I feel each fibre of my garments, I feel all sensations of and on my skin. I can not dedicate focus, when 't's all stolen elsewhere. TW Suicide Neither Hunger Nor Appetite I am not hungry, and have no desire to eat. I already fed my body a quarter of a large sandwich, and it wants more. Yet I feel my muscles shaking, body weak and mind fraying, I could eat, but the idea of further suffering is too appealing. Undue Pain If something triggers undue pain, Do we deserve to not feel it? Or should such intangible-yet-unbearable suffering Be ignored, for the physical harm it does not inflict? For if the torturer tortures unknowingly, should they feel remorse? If the torturer does not feel the pain they inflict, should they care? 8pm I look up at my clock, and it's 8pm, again. Where has the time gone? Time I once would miss. Now I can only, look toward rest, where I can forget, my worries, for a bit. Ten Years' In ten years' time, Will I be dead? Suffering—too much— Mind still-unread? Eversick (of me) I feel sick again— Sick of thinking, sick of living, Sick of sadness and of dreaming. Can't I just... Drink water and move on? Most of all—or converging, encompassing— I am sick of myself. I am sick of the way I am, The way I think, and speak. I am sick of not knowing, I am sick of me. The "[...]" in the following two... things... is where I could not read the word/few letters that I had written in my notebook. It was illegible. No Creativity Able Words are all nonsense—forming sentences [...] before. Words that mean much of nothing are used by not a few For this, a few letters might be off cuz I can't infer what I meant as much. At least for like... a few of the letters I didn't know if it was uppercase or not. Not much an issue but just a note. Should be mostly pretty much the original. Also I may have meant for some underlines to be italics or smth... idk. Basically the emphasis should be the same though. AyEKneA(c)DCawFee Ai (Ai Ai, AI) [...]—SoH tie-Red ðHahat EyE NEAcDCafé. mihNidz i t. m(—)aiy ais Kant Suh-tæ Opuhn; Oi Kant wright ritfully. Uhm yeah. — A broken girl

Finally. It was a bit rushed like my occasional short stories are.. idk i needa work on that... (Note that the previous entry was also from this day. That's not an error.) Dark Streets The unnamed girl wandered the streets, calloused, fragile feet numb to the pebbles and the glass shards that once filled window frames or housed cheap beer. Now, the only purpose they served was to inflict pain simply through their existence. The girl already did this enough. Relaxed but ever-alert, she walked without a destination in mind but that of the comforting darkness shared by all, in the end. Only those with a life can fear losing it. The unnamed girl wandered the streets, hunger constant but faded. She didn't mind—it was a slow sunset, but an end nonetheless. Or it would have been, had she not met him. A boy in rags, like her. A boy, apparently gaunt, like her. A boy. He was not a Husk, like the rest—not a faceless shadow, but a dead thing. Like her. When the boy—name ungiven, unrequested—offered her cheese, the unnamed girl felt an indescribable sense of wrongness, of danger. The boy—with a smile only construable as sinister, with the pointy teeth it displayed—reached a blood- and dirt-stained hand toward her, with a piece of cheese held between the sharpened fingernails. The girl had only eaten rats or garbage. She didn't dare turn, lest she expose her back. It didn't matter, in the end. Okay I actually decided to get rid of the last bit/the end cuz it was just... gore and I doubt anyone wants to read that and it was probably pointless and stupid and it seems fine how it is rn. Part of why I delayed posting this for so long was cuz that ending (that I removed, that isn't present here) was edgy and.. yeah. Also maybe not fit for the Shard. Sigh. — An unnamed girl

Sometimes - sometimes very often, it depends on my mood - I yearn for an experience or a memory or a life I don't have. Lately I have the awareness that it probably won't be as... perfect as I imagine it, but in my imagination and mind it is perfect. You made me think, that maybe the *memory* would be perfect. Maybe if I *did* have what I imagine, it would be perfect in memory. Idk if you were melancholic/nostalgic, idk. Uhm yeh but that's my thought.

Yay! Congrats, that's amazing :3 Honeslty sometimes (and sometimes way more than "sometimes") I still question if I'm just making it up. I hope that isn't proof I am but... I've also had more moments lately where I felt like a girl and was happy about that, or thought of myself as one... But that's after realizing. As more time goes on and I become more human and have more time to think, I think I'm more able to describe things better. So, if you asked me a month ago, or two months ago as someone did, I would've had.. a different answer- a less detailed one. So I hope this new answer is true. I don't really feel like I "figured it out," tbh, or at least I don't feel like I had a realization. More, I had a feeling for years, of someone I wanted to be. I don't think I ever wanted to be a... "stereotypical" guy, if such a thing exists. Honestly sometimes though, I might've made some efforts toward it... if only to fit in, or have something I could feel proud of, because others were? I don't know, I don't understand it yet. But... I (think?) I had a lot of envy to... a certain vibe, and clothing style, hair styles, appearances, personalities, etc. I mean it was all mainly one.. but yeah. Idk if that makes sense. I don't really know much of my feelings from like when i was young, but like i started secretly wanting to be different. I started doing it somewhat, or trying, but it was kinda hard idk. My hair didn't look right - though it started to eventually - and i could never find the right clothing I wanted. Shopping for clothing was kinda either hellish or frustrating or numbing. Probably a good amount of numbing, tbh. Now I can't remember much of what it was like... oh well. Nearing the end of last year (I started questioning in January of this year), I just hated my clothing. I felt I had no style, it was boring, it was old, I hated it. I wanted "a style," I wanted clothing I loved. I tried shopping, kinda, but idk, there wasn't much I liked. I thought I liked something, but idk. Now I have clothes I adore that I actually feel good in and that I don't mind going out in public in. Now, I usually love my hair (idk if it's weird or not but honestly a big part of everything is my hair..), when back then I kinda hated it, at least until it started getting more how I wanted. I felt weird talking about women and men, girls and guys, especially when it came to attraction/crushes/attractiveness. I don't know. I don't think I liked my body/facial hair either, and.. my body shape just felt wrong, at least I noticed that after I realized i was trans, idk if i did before. I liked, online, when I did not have to tell anyone my pronouns, when I could just leave it blank or smth. I also envied people who used she/her pronouns... idk. I didn't like when the uncertainty dropped and I realized they just saw me as a guy- whether from assumption or something else. I... tried to make my language/typing style feminine? Or at least be aware of what that meant? To be honest I don't know if that had any basis in reality but.. yeah. Uhm. I just wasn't satisfied... being seen as a guy, being one? I was disappointed... I think. I wanted... *something.* Something about being a girl was just... it was what I wanted, though I was left out? Maybe. Reality disappointed me, though. I don't know. I didn't like my masculine characteristics being called attention to or pointed out. And I so desperately wanted to meet s girl version of me- as a friend or girlfriend, I don't know. Now I think maybe I wanted to *be* a girl version of me... sigh, i dont know. I did feel out of place in queer groups, though. Like, "I'm not queer, right? So why are you accepting me?" also what started questioning was uh small ill say later edit: ok basically I just saw someone talk about being trans and i was like idk tbh i actually forget some of it but i just started wondering if i was... which is also part of why i doubt cuz then it could just be an anxiety thing or intrusive thoughts or something .....

i fell asleep by acident last night.. again it's like my body js wants me to slepe or summin

うっせえわ that ado :3

hm tru..

Sigh. I've been listening to the radio at night sometimes to stay up and it's lot of it is religious and/or spiritual. Like, the people are and they talk about it and stuff. I've been like this for a bit.. where i sort of envy religious people. I'm trying to understand it... Sometimes I envy their belief in an afterlife (though also I believe spiritual nonreligious people can believe in one, too?), their hope... their love. By love I mean... sometimes it feels like .. like they have something to look to, to give them hope or make them feel loved or whatever. Hopefully I'm not misunderstanding idk. And last night part of the radio thing was someone basically talking about having a vision-esque of Jesus or smth, and feeling love and hope and all that... and other people too just ... idk. I feel stupid saying all this. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to this so much. There's probably other ways to feel happy tbh.. There are.. I struggle to know what I believe anymore and have a sense of my own self and my mind and ... like i was lying in bed and it was weird thinking of the concept of my self my life my body... idk i mainly exist looking at other people's lives. escapism, perhaps. maybe I haven't found care or love or whatever th heck from peopel ... i mean saying that is stupid cuz i have... but idk. maybe they're up-playing it ... there seemed to be some proseletysing language on the radio... idk. but like some people seem to use their faith to hold on through rough times, so what do i do? my life just feels kinds meaningless. i wish i could believe in an afterlife tbh... or *anything* post-death... cuz maybe it'd give me hope.. of something better.. something that meant life doesnt just end.. i wish i could belive in spiritual stuff like some people I know... to find happiness or moments of joy to help with grief that i dont think ive ever felt.. yet..? my parents used to tell me that even when they died (i had... a fear of them dying ... it made me very sad when i was younger to think theyd be gone some day and id have to live without them and .. and like they were really the only people in my world pretty much.. so like yeh..) theyd still be with me and whatnot.. and stuff with next lives and stuff.. but i dont think ive ever believed in that, so it... idk. Maybe i did initially.. and it did make me happy-sad probably.... but idk. maybe thats why people believe it anyway. ado maybe its that im starting to wonder if im the one who's wrong, since it appears to me that.. pretty much everyone believes in something i dont- religion or spirituality or afterlife in general or the universe stuff, whatever that fits into ("it's a sign from the universe"), or ancestors, or paranormal (kinda spiritual tho?), or.. idk. Basically that's just spiritual and religious. maybe too cuz the radio people keep saying contradicting political views to mine (ill try not to get into that cuz its against rules maybe). So like, ... idk but its also the only thing there. They talk of "me" (my views) as .. "we" talk of their's. Sigh.. Or maybe ive never been around people with mine. i mean.. i mean that differently and not as literally as it may seem. i know (or think?) that spirituality and religion are different and probably some people here have beliefs i dont but.. idk. it doesnt rly matter tbh but idk.... i just grew up with all this.. sll this stuff snd i never told them i didnt believe it until like.. it took a while. st least for some of it ... and like for them its a normal part of life, they believe it they dont seem to question it and then i just silently dont hold that beliefs and.. i feel - felt, i guess - alone? i felt so long i was keeping a secret, had to pretend or smth ... hopefully nothing i say here is hateful.. im not intending to be .. but tbh someone can be so without knowing any better snd then needs to educated.. but like i dont believe in anything. or maybe i do, who knows. maybe i believe in something so innately that it feels "real," which maybe is exactly how others feel? and sometimes.. sometimes i find myself eithrr... like wanting to erite or make up storoes thst have beliefs i dont have .. badicaly like the fantasy genre sort of. in a way. then i start hating on myself and accuse myself of wanting to create a religion.. sigh or maybe i do, but in fiction.. and i cant separate that. i dont know what i want anymore, but i envy certain aspects of religion. Maybe i just want to feel like my life has meaning. matters. that im not so alone. edit: i was also.. basically raised by one to think that religion is bad (pretty much.. at leadt thsts what i got out of it) and now that its changing and im more curious.. more accepting... which is honestly probably a good think cuz like... you know... discrimination and stuff is bad... including for religion... i assume... so now ive also been questioned if im religious and like "its okay though! just not if you're __________, _________, etc. And not of you __________....".. and basically i still see it as not me and not sometihing i can do cuz ... yeah. uhm. ............ i dont think im religious tho.. dont think i could believ e in anything. .. sigh i hate .. things.. myself .. i keep feeling like ehat i think of or want is morally wrong and is horrible .. what i want or consider cuz idk what i want cuz i think everything except how i am now (whatever the heck that is..) is wrong... edit2: idk maybe idk idk idk if idk why did i even erite this.. ado... now i js feel sick

sometimes giod turns to bad or vice versa..