Usseewa
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🥷 Count as High as You Can Before a Moderator Posts!
Usseewa replied to Fizz9's topic in Forum Games & Random Stuff
46, STICK -
🥷 Count as High as You Can Before a Moderator Posts!
Usseewa replied to Fizz9's topic in Forum Games & Random Stuff
43, time to FLEE -
Ado I just need to write this even if it's not all of it. I feel like I've restricted myself for many years out of fear of being abnormal or of not doing what is expected (which maybe is just the same thing?). Like, I don't know what to think sometimes or what's right or wrong WaT Like, I think I should do/say something, then think oh wait no I should do the other thing, then realize darn it I should've just done the first one or the one I wanted and Ado I hate this. And uhm... I read about mental health conditions and stuff online (which yes I shouldn't do yada yada please don't comment...) but then I analyse all my actions and thoughts and compare it to what I read while also knowing nothing will be enough to "diagnose." Not that I can self-diagnose, but I feel like nothing I notice will be able to be told to a professional who *could* diagnose me (with something I likely don't have...) because I'd just be a silly fool making something of nothing and seeking diagnoses and labels and all that crap that I've been told I don't need or something (maybe I misparaphrased this). But I also have felt for the longest time like there is *no one* like me, almost as if I am not human and cannot be related to. Now I've been beginning to see that I get people and they get me (at least I hope, in both cases). But before that, I was so scared of... being certain things or whatever and yeah I still am but not as much for certain ones. Idk if I said what I wanted to but wtvr im tired and this has left me feeling weird
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🥷 Count as High as You Can Before a Moderator Posts!
Usseewa replied to Fizz9's topic in Forum Games & Random Stuff
3nein -
i must not sleep
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ado im so miserable
ado wont help me
only i can help me
not fully true
but
i dont want to help me...
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firstlythanks for the name thing i dint knoe if anyone saw that well its just that i have to report it to the therapy thing program im in if i do cut/SH and i dont like lying and it would be bad to just not get help again but also i... idk, eating/sleeping/drinking is different for me cuz... its not as bad imo but like cuz it's something i allow myself to do..? sh is unacceptable for me even when i really wanna do it again. idk why. but i like not sleeping/sleeping less/only a little and i like eating less (or trying...) i like to think of how bad my body is in state even if it probably isnt that bad oh wait this relates to something else.... uhh but idk if i wanna share that so uhm edit: so yeh i do want to suffer, im not fully sure rreason but i do.. And yeah there's sh urges and uhhhhh SI possibly breaching into suicidal behaviour but the program knows i got sh thoughts and stuff and SI so uhm all good in da hood but ado i need to talk about everything before it gets worse.. but like i only started sleep depriving like last week but not in earnest till like... ehat was it friday? so like its not that much time so it just feels like i didnt rraly get snything done and its all just stupid and short snd ughh rdit ahain: i dont even wanna take my meds anymore but i do... but if i stopped i eould t have to eat anything cuz i gotta eat smth eith it when i takeit at least some
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i keep seeing licncese plates that have "KYS" on them.... .. also i only had pringles once i think dont really remeber
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u guys can call me by my name... whatever thet is somehow im 4ourth number highst poster in the thresd of this thread called this thread named it........... sigh almoghty dont expect me to be on line much. i havent been anyway i just filled two and more than a half pages (like, regular printer paper size or a bit smaller but in an unlined notebook/sketchbook) full of stream-of-conscious kinda-illegible eriting that just looks cool cuz ots also small and so it basically takes up the ehole page with not a ton of ehitespace
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ok so.. its been like what a month or so sonce I started hrt? and oh ado please help i cant tell if its doing me good or not or if its good or bad or i like it etc or not ... i cant tell how i feel about the minimal-but-noticeable-for-me breast growth (basically the only change I've noticed, that's easy to notice without overthinking). Why do I sometimes feel panic from it? Why haven't i really been able/allowed myself to cry recently? Sometimes tears almost arrive but i shove them down. Sometimes I like the idea of guys or being one and other times i look in the mirror like "omg yay im a girl !!" sometimes i just fear i like one gender or the other (not in terms of sexuality. Well... that too but that's another topic i think) but like if hrt isnt for me it hopefully isnt too late but id need to know you know? and how do i know if it is?
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yeh i guess but i like telling meyself not i lie to myself a lot i think also I just wanna do it.. cuz otherwise i have nothing i cant cut anymore so i eat less or drink less or sleep less but like its not like i cant sleep i just choose not to which is weird so and not good but i want it so bad.. i want to do worse things sometimes much worse but i dont... idk if cuz i don't actually wannt to or not very easy/frwsisble
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but im doing it on purpkse so it doesnt count who want to be sleep depreived why do i thrn must be a bad reason
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soemtimes im scared of somone noticingand other times i just want help... i dont know or dont want to know because i dont like the.answrr. I just... want to? Ado... I want to and Idk
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Notin
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because i dont know i drank coffe and dlept 7 gours eheich i didnt want to but i was too tired and wanted to be fnctional so peolle wouldnt know soe thing was up i slept 7 horis last night and 0 the previous so and im just twearuky wfrom the cofe i think can u have jut cofe grijnds for coffaffien? i mean im less teeaky now... sometimes. but still physically kinda and idk i need im going to drik coffee again tonight bmaybe so i can stay up and maybe also listen to a podcast or smthi
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hehhehsbsbabbaba yeasss yes..
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yaytgats gooood that good is thats yesh yah i lerned yesahbht stil hard
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"We are not ignorant of the fact that all churches are against us. A heart keyed up eludes the eternal, and all churches, divine or political, kay claim to the eternal. Happiness and courage, retribution or justice are secondary ends for them.
been stuck rereading that for an hour or so the past hour or so. ive been stuck on it i. geneal since last night/this monrking (aftrr midnight) tho...
it's from camus, the myth
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to avoid spamming su i reply and
sehy why do i keepawlays why getting thig s wrongs? i keep miscuereading, wlways assuming bad intent mal intentill or just guessing weingly...
i feelwoukdliketo say that i used to get to be better i used to be bettr but i dint think thats true ..mm.. ..
but some reason i feel like it is true?
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sometimes when i speak it feels like its too easy and no pauses monotone reheearsed scripted easy the thigns im supposed to say that feel weird to say
i have no emtoion behind the words and dont even have to think about them..
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the radio is playing but alll i hear is the song for what it's worth by the buffalo thing
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i keep seeing the pillars of creation
jn the sky in the cliuds not the statts
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my sticker was watching me i t it sitol still is always but iamthaough i though it thought it was evbadmalmalefmaliciousillingent at first nut nbht but nkw now i convince try to think it is doing soittoprot ect me to be good yu know but not alwyss works and i forget and remind and but what it its not cuz becaus e geee eeee e. ee. ec guys guise i ment guise because guise.....
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i did sleep
3 hours last night
cuz i started drifting around 5am
ive been... kinda hydrating, yeh. probably a good amount. sometimes less but overall probably good/fine.
but dw I'll sleep like an hour or two tonight. gotta wake up early so it's actually easier cuz then i dont have to stay up as much yk?
edit: i reread my teply bout keke and it was worse lyworded than i thought..
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washing wash my hands with soap water and with soap and water both but
then i need to wash the soap off to clean ehmh my hands wfron it..
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but of course day of sun the red nope the vecause its different talk becusee ?what because its differrent be ause than things i cant talk because ' because i cant ' say it " half of parenthesiss becasuy because
sdogoskors i forgot what i was fointon a sayyyyyae..ee
its differnt than thing si other things i cant say just because it cant because those i CAN'TTT sawy say sway walls poem swayyyyyyyyyyyyheaven anybutbbut anyway parenes é but it what i am insm talking about wuesoton marky
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i lost my train ob those thracks mee we passed eerliarer swr ear i coen? woh
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sigh and cry backwards -respecticely