Usseewa

(NOT the title of a song or anything, this time) Lately I've been thinking about a feeling I get and have made at least two attempts to explain it- I think first in my journal, and second to someone I know. It has perhaps no basis or manifestation in reality, but is present in my mind and causes overwhelm and a certain type of hopelessness. I hope someone will understand, and perhaps help me understand. Have you ever used a remote-controlled car, drone, etc., but you struggle to maneuver it, to understand it, to do what you want to? You struggle to move it as naturally perhaps as your limbs? And, even your limbs sometimes feel like that. But anyway, or have you played a new video game and not been able to actually fully connect yourself to the character and be able it control them? You feel disconnected in that you have to look at your keyboard or controller or whatever? You can't remember all the controls or key combinations, you don't move fluidly but haltingly, you press buttons and feel like every time you succeed is a fluke- because it is. I got this feeling when playing Celeste for the first time- and it took a bit to get better, and never fully did. I had a dream some time ago, never mind how long precisely (hehe). But in all seriousness it was like a month ago or whatever, and part of the dream was that my body was within a videogame - Minecraft - and I struggled a *lot* to simply control it. There was one part near the end where I had to actually fight someone - it was life or death - and it felt impossible. How could I fight if I could barely move? I also have dreams where I'm running from something or someone, and I keep having to stop and start again- I somehow keep losing the speed I had. I have to run in a certain way and I just can't maintain speed or go fast. I tire or slow, all the while I *need* to keep running. I get these dreams a lot. It is actually similar to the experience I had once when I played Vanilla/Regular Minecraft after months of using a client to play it (basically some extra QoL features and stuff, if you aren't versed.) And the client basically had an option to make it so I'm always running (technically it's called sprinting in Minecraft). Regular Minecraft might have that option too, but I don't know. So, I had to like hold the keys or something to stay running. If I stop holding the keys or if I hit a block and don't jump in time, or if I stop moving (I think), then it stops my sprinting and the flow of life/game is broken. I hope those examples are relatable for the feeling. Now, how it relates to real life and my mind is that living feels impossible or nearly so- awkward, hard. Movement feels - *in my mind* - like it *will be* like those examples, which will then disrupt life and prevent me from doing *anything*, which, even in thought, has negatively impacted me. I can't imagine my future, or being successful, both in the regular sense and just in living or therapy. I had an example I talked/wrote about, where my body simply feels awkward and I imagine picking an outfit but it would... be hard. And I imagine it like wearing a skirt, where I had to sit and move certain ways, etc. I don't know if I explained this well... But it just seems impossible for *me* to navigate the world and to live. I'm going through some identity stuff/changes, I think, and part of it seems impossible- but also there's no returning; that is dead. The thing is, in reality it is easy to move- at least usually, and when I'm happy. I've had days of being upbeat, happy- I've even been described as "playful" once. But when I am sitting/laying with my thoughts and overwhelm and discomfort, I can't imagine doing anything- it feels either impossible or not able to be done fully or very hard and stressful. And also - possibly a tangent and/or unrelated - I think that sometimes, what I describe, try to describe, try to understand, etc. is actually a shared or even common feeling, but I ascribe some sense of incomprehensibility and just not being regular or mundane to it. If that means anything. And this isn't *just* with this remote-controlled dream feeling, but with other stuff. I'm in group therapy, started recently, and already people have said things that sound exactly like the things I've struggled with and thought were unable to be understood or needed a convoluted explanation because no one else experienced it and needed it explained. Or something. But with the feeling this post is about... it makes my future seem impossible. Impossible to make friends and live and fit in and settle in and function, because... maybe because I am not me? Possibly dissociation in a depression/dysphoria sense. Disconnect from reality or my body, etc. I don't think I've explored this feeling much, though. I don't know.

i have green cargo pants too and i love them dont wear them very often actually but they're very nice

Cool I like it Very good

uwu i love cardigans but only have like one or two i have this one that im wearing rn that's like a longer cardigan that is my FAVE pieace of clothing probably... at least in the sweater/hoodie/jacket/cardigan type stuff i also have fingerless gloves omg they're amazing i don't wear skirts anymore but i might eventually u probably picture me pretty accurately except skirts tho i did wear skirts before

lol yes hapy prode motnh! honestly its up to you and stuff, to figure out whether you are or arent, if you dont already know. i mean, orhers can help tho uhhh yeah anyway

yeah i been thinkin abt it

guys Fac is bak

oh

Uhm... Well of ascension? maybe idk

Uhh Hoid..?

Ah, yes how did i miss that i swore i saw hypo and then thyroidism right next to each other but funny idk ehat this thread is or why i posted

232 ありがと!

I don't wanna check how many I have due after skipping several weeks which I couldn't really have not

228 holy

That's kinda easy tbh Just "pseudo" twice, then "hypothyroidism" which if u forget is just "hypo" and "thyroidism" which is just "thyroid" and "ism" uhhhhh

*sob* Kill Tonk Fah, Kiss Denth, ...m-marry Moash Wind, Stone, Night

Yay, Nirvana! i forget who's guilty but maybe dalinar? idk

Oh and MCR right? I love that line Yes.

Oof

Pride month yip yip!

Wow did she really stay up all night huh?

...yes, why?

I love trying to be or thinking myself philosophical For originality... I don't like when me, or someone, has a thought or idea that has been thought by others- and maybe even so common a thought/idea that it's one of those thoughts that are fortunately/unfortunately relatable by every other stranger or friend. But, I think, to have more original or impactful thoughts you need to venture *deeper,* as most everyone goes surface-level- that's just shower thought-type stuff. Less people think deeper, etc. Yeah. Idk if that's true or not but it sounds right. There are a *lot* of people, and lots of things are the same- like the products we use or the movies or books we read. You ever think of how so many people know some song, band, or movie? Not even counting "classics" all the time. But by making an effort and doing something less people have done, you can be meaningful. The trouble sometimes can be knowing what has or hasn't been done; thinking yourself so creative only to realize it's already an established concept or whatever, and millions of people know about/do whatever it is.