Little_Dagger

Thanks for reading! Any advice on how to do that? I am not sure I fully understand the comment

"But he’d found that imaginary things were often the only items of real substance in people’s lives." (Warbreaker)

Thank you everyone for the comments! I have a lot to think about! I was very worried that a chapter without any dialog would be very hard to parse through, but most of the comments about the non-verbal communication seem positive. Good to know! As for the explanation on the magic system: the thing is, most it would be explained in the POVs of other characters later (though now I am considering moving those chapters earlier), along a few bits given in the prologue. I chose not to share the prologue so far because I suspect it will be re-written a thousand times by the time I am done with the book, and so reading now it seems an unfair claim on your time. But perhaps, the world is indeed less clear than I realized without it.... hmm.... I will perhaps look it over again and see if I can share it. Again, thank you all for your suggestions and time!

I would do something like "the wolf avoided approaching her - perhaps he was wary of strangers" or something like that. An unusual behavior that R would explain away incorrectly at that moment, but would make sense later when she learns he is her father.

I absolutely love your writing and have just way too many lines underlined and commented as "nice"! A few thoughts: I like the bits of romantic tension you are adding to the story, especially how innocent and new it feels at this point. I liked F’s awkward presence and the unexpected encounter with R and Y in the library. Pg. 9. Would be nicer if the oak tree by the window was mentioned in chapter one when she woke up by that window. Pg. 12. I was caught off guard by the sunlight. A few minutes ago it was so dark that R had to rely on touch to find the keyhole and I assumed it was night – rainclouds are usually not that dim. I was lost as to who S was since he was not included in the summary of the previous book, but I like him already. Why bring a pack of wolves and a man in the canoe against an Ordinary girl? Seems a bit too convoluted for someone who already has access to her room in the middle of the day. I suspect the white wolf would be the man from R’s dream (her father?) and I felt a bit let down by how easy it was to figure out (unless it is a deliberate misdirection, of course) I feel like the mysterious organization jumped out of nowhere. Is that something we should be familiar with from the previous book? Overall, I had fun and can't wait to keep reading!

I can send a pdf of White Sand to you if you want.

As I read: Pg 1. First paragraph “but go” should be “that go” Pg 5. “my mom is” should be “my mom has” Pg 6. “judgement” should be ‘judgment’ “I am too shocked” – I felt like a shock was too strong an emotion for the scene Pg 8. Feels very weird N had never been exposed to math at the age of seventeen at all. I know he is new and otherworldly, but considering his gaps in knowledge, it is hard to believe the teacher just sent him to a peer tutor for an hour and a half. Perhaps, a similar effect could be achieved, if he knew the math, but did not understand the terminology, like someone who learned the material in another language? “not interested in me” seems very direct “got from her” should be “for her” Pg. 9. “milky look” not sure what that means Pg 10. “Nobody there” misses “is” N asks “how are you feeling?” too often, I think “I’m don’t” should be “I don’t” “Not on earth anymore” – I like the transition! General thoughts: - It is fun to watch the story unfold, and I feel attached to W at this point. I am curious about where you will take the traditional fairy lore as the story goes on. - I like that the next meeting with N happens so soon, though considering that the flowers grow at the pond, it seems weird she needed his help that much (maybe mention that they picked all the available flowers last time?) - I felt a bit underwhelmed at the meeting with Grace (yes, she wears a black jacket now, but considering that she is offering a magic vial, I was hoping for something weirder to appear in manners, look, or conversation) - Also, I feel like I was more flustered by the magic while sitting and reading at home than W was going to another world. I think some surprise or discomfort on her part could add to the tension - In general, it often feels like things just happen too easily for W. She is mostly reactive to the things going on around, and I think she could benefit from some obstacles to overcome, instead of placidly receiving flowers, help to pick flowers, and the vial from others. Overall, nice work and I am looking forward to reading more!

Hi everyone! I am a new member of the group, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to both share my work with you and read your wonderful stories. Only one week in, and it has already been a learning experience. I write epic fantasy, though since I am new to writing, I am excited to explore and experiment with other genres. I am looking for feedback on the plot and the feel of the story but also comments on grammar if you find something amiss (English is not my native language, and I often struggle with subtleties or structure of the phrases). Thank you and have a great week ahead!

I would like a spot next week as well, please!

Hello! First off, I like the lightness of style: there is just enough description of the characters and the setting to paint a mental picture but then focus attention on the plot. The only two characterizations that fell short for me were "definitely not like anyone" for T, and the description of the tailor, who just looked so much as a typical tailor that he barely seemed to need a description at all. I do not mind starting with a dream, but it was confusing when it was not remembered. I suspect something will trigger R's memory of it later, but at the moment if feels odd. I liked the MidWinter Ball promise and am looking forward to "the something spectacular" that hopefully R will get to wear. Also, while on the topic of clothes, wearing only the cloak and measuring the inside of the thigh seem rather exposing. I am not sure how I feel about Z and R relationship in this chapter. It is great to see them being so close (I love the special language and teasing), but the kissing on the forehead part seemed a bit too much for two teeneagers. I will not point out the grammatical mistakes, since most have already been mentioned above. Overall, a great read and thank you for the summary of the first book. I would be quite lost in the names otherwise.

Hello, thank you for sharing these chapters! Here are my thoughts: Pg 1 Last phrase in the first paragraph sounds weird - I got the idea, but I read it twice to do so - I was intrigued by the transition from ponds, classmates and flowers to blood - kid's movie should probably be a cartoon - l loved the dream to nightmare turn Pg 2 "so he is connected" should probably be "that he is connected" Pg 3 "He’s right that" - A did not say anything about what is best - why is W pointing A in the direction of the coyotes when he is looking for wolves? Was she mistaken in her initial identification of them, or did she just lie to A? - I was confused by the glitter on the clothes that W somehow never questions or notices again - also, seeing a cute boy and immediately getting from a nightmare to a dream felt a bit blunt Pg 6 carrying the world seemed like hell of a compliment for a highschool boy Pg 9 I like the touch with the personalized cards - a nice characterization Pg 14 confused about "looking at the stores around the area". W is not new to the place - unlike N - so it is a strange thing for him to ask Pg 15 not sure I understood the "bloody schisms" phrase - "dangerous America" seems like a generalization Pg 11-14 amma is very submissive to W's prods, the information comes too easily for a mystery Pg 17 - "another way" comes out of nowhere Pg 18 - nice hook with the cure General thoughts: I enjoyed the read, it was easy to follow and the voice of the main character is distinct. I found myself wishing that there was someone "normal" among the cast to offset everyone else's tragic past or present, or individual characteristics. The latter would be more colorful that way. Looking forward to read further! I did not see your previous draft, but I am excited by this story

You forget the Zahel friendship bond - gets the owner access to a bunch color-related phrases they do understand and a pillow fight with Adolin's laundry.

@CalanoCorvus Yay, we got some romance in the thread! Very cute @Gregorio Interesting idea with the recordings, immediately increases the level of curiosity about what is going on. Here is mine for today: I think I am getting better at keeping things short, haha 1/19/23 - Stars Keep Secrets

Alright, I am going to cheat slightly for this one, because I have already written something that fits perfectly for the promt a while ago. It is one of the first chapters from a Stormlight Archives fanfic I wrote a month ago, so STORMLIGHT SPOILERS!!! It takes place right after the Everstorm, so between the second and third books. I would appreciate both feedback on this chapter, and the entire story (posted here) if you do not mind a longer read There is also a pdf version available there. 1/18/23 Plant

@Witless of Shinovar My pleasure! Thank you for the story! @The Aspiring Archivist Thanks for the feedback! I am glad you found something to relate to in it Here is my feedback for your stories: The Cycle Resets: I liked the gradations of "dead" in the story - it was interesting to see how Johd though of himself as a dead man until he actually became one. There is a dark irony in that. I will admit I did not understand the purpose of the government project: why keep them on the island for a year, drop of food and supplies, but not extract any obvious service from the 'prisoners'? Why replace them with others? Perhaps, I just want to know more. An Old Relic: I think you built the suspense in this one very well. Both with the time stamps, and with the die's continuous intervention. I think I expected his son to roll four in the end (instead of Pine rolling two) to mean "That is how old Ash was when his parents would die in the fire". It would lead to a very dark realization moment on Pine's part. You were not so blood-thirsty, haha. A Treasured Curse: I couldn't help but think of Zane in Mistborn! (not going to say more in case you haven't read the series), but it was beautifully done. I liked the language and the flow the most here, despite the darkness that laced every word. In general, thanks for sharing! I would be curious to see you writing something light and humorous, fun

@Aes Sedai I liked the interpretation of home as Earth, as the entire planet. As someone who is interested in the issue of the climate crisis, it is a view I wish more people shared. @Gregorio I like the banter, the dynamic you have between the two characters, though I felt like the mentioning of girls in the middle of a "my friend is dying" scene might read a bit crude. I would have enjoyed it better if it were later in the conversation. @Witless of Shinovar Bitter-sweet and raw, I liked it. Why was the ring iron and steel? I know it is common for iron to repel evil creatures, so was it also intended as an amulet of sorts? 1/18/23 - Far from Home

Keep continuing the story until we know what the hell is wrong with those wolves!

I liked the feel of the story, and thanks for the musical recommendation! I know I am late to the party, but I liked the prompt so here is my not-so-short story (I am really bad at writing anything short, haha). Also, I wanted to add some light to the forlorn mood, so here you go 1/17/23 - I should have

I like that you tried a different style and I like your other stories. Do you often write?

Is this a Wayne story? I get his vibe from it

I hope it will not remain a mystery forever. It is too cool of a world to never return to in the future books

Xisis had to chose the sea bottom as a residence for a reason. Perhaps, his guess is the same as yours.

This is so NOT where I expected it to go, but it absolutely worked for me. It explains why Rashek kept Alendi's logbook after all these years, and the narrative expands on its entries beautifully! Just beautifully! I did not like the "lock and key" phrase, because it is deeply associated with Sazed's conversation about Vin and Elend in my mind (though perhaps, in my mind only. Were it not in the context of this series, I wouldn't look twice). I did like how different and yet similar these characters are. I can see Alendi doing exactly the same thing to Rashek if the places were switched. Perhaps, without the nationalistic tension, but certainly for the perceived 'greater good'. Thanks for sharing! It was a great read!

I thought the hanging crystals around the house are salt to keep the spores from getting inside, though the way it is depicted, it does not strike me as a very efficient way.

I had the same thought! The comments on "dramatic irony" and such are very Alcatraz-like, and so are the multiple puns. But I think Hoid's narration is more intelligent, both mentally and emotionally, so the two styles are different enough for me in this case.