The beginning of something much larger

[Nathrangking]

On 8/4/2019 at 7:28 PM, DrakeMarshmallow said:

Pretty good.

I have no idea what it means, but I don't really expect to at this point. Personally, I appreciate a work that doesn't start with an infodump and just dives in.

 

In terms of feedback, I would maybe streamline / clarify this bit of dialogue:

In context, it isn't very clear what the first sentence means (maybe intentional, maybe not, idk), and the second one just sounds a bit clunky.

In general it had a pretty good writing style and pacing.

Other than that, I would also consider giving a nod to the fact that the main character can't actually see the stuff you are describing, since there are a lot of visual descriptions in there before he starts actually being able to see anything. It's a bit confusing from a reader's perspective.

 

You have a knack for picking interesting premises. This seems somehow oddly metaphysical.

I figure the lady is personification of something more abstract. Although, judging by her fixation with offering deals with vague consequences, her self-declared hatred of liars, and her asking for a seemingly unimportant item of personal significance to the main character, there are also some pretty strong Fair Folk vibes in there.

For one reason or another, reality is clearly out to lunch. It seems most likely that this is due to an unreliable narrator. Although I won't entirely rule out something weirder than that.

1st thank you for your kind words. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. To unpack: The dialogue has far reaching implications so if it is confusing it should be. The description is important if only for the desired effect. This seems somehow oddly metaphysical. This made my day because you are close to what I'm going for. As far as the lady my use of names shades it a bit though it does not tell the whole story. It seems most likely that this is due to an unreliable narrator. Although I won't entirely rule out something weirder than that. *Grins.*

Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @DrakeMarshmallow feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[The Sovereign]

@Nathrangking, I just got a chance to read it. I enjoyed it. There are some grammar issues that others have noted so I'll just skip past them . A few notes on the story itself; I very much enjoyed the vagueness of the story overall, with that said, I think you over-described the man and his dog at the beginning. I suspect you were doing it to contrast with the lack of details as to what was actually going on, but you may have overdone it a bit. In a longer short story I would approve of the contrast as you can bring it full circle, but in something so brief I think sticking with the bare bones descriptions would be more thematically appropriate. If anything I would probably go for a more detailed description of Ms. Lil and use that for a contrast of shadowed half life the Vet lives. With that said, your Mephistopheles woman's name is a little, well, "meh" I would probably go in one of two directions with it. Either be much more direct with it or change it to something completely inconsequential. For me the subtle nod in her name just didn't work. Her diatribe and macabre bargain both did work well though.

Edited August 5, 2019 by The Sovereign

[Nathrangking]

On 8/5/2019 at 4:31 PM, The Sovereign said:

@Nathrangking, I just got a chance to read it. I enjoyed it. There are some grammar issues that others have noted so I'll just skip past them . A few notes on the story itself; I very much enjoyed the vagueness of the story overall, with that said, I think you over-described the man and his dog at the beginning. I suspect you were doing it to contrast with the lack of details as to what was actually going on, but you may have overdone it a bit. In a longer short story I would approve of the contrast as you can bring it full circle, but in something so brief I think sticking with the bare bones descriptions would be more thematically appropriate. If anything I would probably go for a more detailed description of Ms. Lil and use that for a contrast of shadowed half life the Vet lives. With that said, your Mephistopheles woman's name is a little, well, "meh" I would probably go in one of two directions with it. Either be much more direct with it or change it to something completely inconsequential. For me the subtle nod in her name just didn't work. Her diatribe and macabre bargain both did work well though.

Before unpacking as I do a few comments: 1st I'm glad that this is working for you!! To that end more will come and as a result:Follow the thread. The grammar has been dealt with, but as always I appreciate the mention as there is is always work to be done!

Now to unpack: Really you think the detail is overdone? Truthfully you are off on the why. @DrakeMarshmallow was closer to the truth as far as this matter is concerned. It might work for you to know that this is the prologue of something massive. 1st points for pointing out the reason for the name. I was waiting for someone to go there. I'm glad that you think that the bargain and diatribe worked! As far as the name it's needed for the reason that the description is. See my responses to @DrakeMarshmallow and @Ethan_Sedai.

 

EDIT: @The Sovereign feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[The Young Pyromancer]

Cool!  I liked it!

If I may ask, why me?

[Nathrangking]

On 8/7/2019 at 1:02 PM, The Young Pyromancer said:

Cool!  I liked it!

If I may ask, why me?

Good! I picked you out of a desire to reach a wide and differing audience to that end a lover of D&D would have a unique perspective on the story.

EDIT: @The Young Pyromancer feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[The Young Pyromancer]

Huh.

Well, I'm not sure if the word doc got cut off or not, because I can't access the PDF, but you might want to check that.  The imagery was nice, but it went on a little too long at times.  I get that as a blind man, the protagonist would think of metaphorical images more, but at times it started distracting from the story.  Also, during certain parts you described the appearance of characters, which was a little weird as you're writing this in third person limited, and those tend to not describe things that the current lead couldn't know about.

[Nathrangking]

1 hour ago, The Young Pyromancer said:

Huh.

Well, I'm not sure if the word doc got cut off or not, because I can't access the PDF, but you might want to check that.  The imagery was nice, but it went on a little too long at times.  I get that as a blind man, the protagonist would think of metaphorical images more, but at times it started distracting from the story.  Also, during certain parts you described the appearance of characters, which was a little weird as you're writing this in third person limited, and those tend to not describe things that the current lead couldn't know about.

I don't understand what happened as far as the PDF as I had no problem. The doc had an issue though not what you think. I thank you for pointing it out to me! See above where some of what I'm going for is fleshed out.

Edited August 7, 2019 by Nathrangking

[+ZincAboutIt]

Hi there, you pinged me like a week ago for this? Or Saturday? I'm not sure. I meant to comment but I didn't (mea culpa!) so I'm doing it now.

(Also, I can't find the ping... am I going mad? It is possible...)

I think the idea is pretty neat. I love a good Faustian bargain type situation, which seems to be what you're going for here. Question: Is the woman the dog? Does she shapeshift?

If not, I actually would almost rather read this excerpt from her point of view. You almost never get the POV of the demon. I'm also going to echo the sentiment on the overabundance of detail; it is distracting. Mostly because you are telling not showing me everything. I'd pick one POV or another, then limit it, but that's my personal preference. I always prefer to see through one of the characters, not my own eyes (if you'll forgive a bit of a pun here, given the subject-matter). I'm interested in reading more of this! As always, I love the villain/nefarious character the most. More Lil!

[Nathrangking]

On 8/7/2019 at 9:46 PM, ZincAboutIt said:

Hi there, you pinged me like a week ago for this? Or Saturday? I'm not sure. I meant to comment but I didn't (mea culpa!) so I'm doing it now.

(Also, I can't find the ping... am I going mad? It is possible...)

I think the idea is pretty neat. I love a good Faustian bargain type situation, which seems to be what you're going for here. Question: Is the woman the dog? Does she shapeshift?

If not, I actually would almost rather read this excerpt from her point of view. You almost never get the POV of the demon. I'm also going to echo the sentiment on the overabundance of detail; it is distracting. Mostly because you are telling not showing me everything. I'd pick one POV or another, then limit it, but that's my personal preference. I always prefer to see through one of the characters, not my own eyes (if you'll forgive a bit of a pun here, given the subject-matter). I'm interested in reading more of this! As always, I love the villain/nefarious character the most. More Lil!

Faustian deals are fascinating if that is what's happening. Lil is not the dog if there ever was really a dog or Lil for that matter. If she is a demon that would be fascinating. I forgive the pun. Is she a villain? Hmm... 

Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @ZincAboutIt feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Wyndlerunner]

Ok, so you have an incredibly interesting concept, combined with pretty good prose. While the seemingly modern setting isn't my cup of tea when it comes to fiction, I am looking forward to hearing more about this man. (Also, as someone who has always wanted to write a blind character, but never been sure how to do that sort of POV, your interpretation has given me some of my own ideas.)

[Nathrangking]

On 8/8/2019 at 11:37 PM, Wyndlerunner said:

Ok, so you have an incredibly interesting concept, combined with pretty good prose. While the seemingly modern setting isn't my cup of tea when it comes to fiction, I am looking forward to hearing more about this man. (Also, as someone who has always wanted to write a blind character, but never been sure how to do that sort of POV, your interpretation has given me some of my own ideas.)

I'm glad that this is working well. I'm also quite happy to know that I have hit upon something that even someone for whom modernity is not as interesting can be drawn to. Always glad to help!! 

EDIT: @Wyndlerunner feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Ixthos]

Interesting. I would need to read it again, but it seems like when she touches him he travels to some other world - was that intended or did I not read it right? Also, the description seems to alternate between a narrator who can see everything - describing what she is doing and wearing while the man can't see - with scenes from the man's own perspective. Was that intended?

 

It has a slightly lovecraft vibe to it, and was creepy. If he is in another world then that could explain why the dog was gone. If he wasn't then maybe the deal included the dog and he didn't realise it. Maybe the deal for a reminder of who he used to be also included making him stuck between his past and his present. Would future chapters or stories continue from this point, reference it, or be of a similar type?

[Nathrangking]

On 8/12/2019 at 0:23 PM, Ixthos said:

Interesting. I would need to read it again, but it seems like when she touches him he travels to some other world - was that intended or did I not read it right? Also, the description seems to alternate between a narrator who can see everything - describing what she is doing and wearing while the man can't see - with scenes from the man's own perspective. Was that intended?

 

It has a slightly lovecraft vibe to it, and was creepy. If he is in another world then that could explain why the dog was gone. If he wasn't then maybe the deal included the dog and he didn't realise it. Maybe the deal for a reminder of who he used to be also included making him stuck between his past and his present. Would future chapters or stories continue from this point, reference it, or be of a similar type?

You tell me is that what happened? The perspective shift is disorienting isn't it? Maybe it has something to do with the vibe. Upvote for mentioning Lovecraft!

Maybe these are happening as you say or are they? Future chapters of this story will follow him.

Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @Ixthos feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Rushu42]

I'm honored to be tagged in this thread, if a bit surprised. I think it's a really interesting beginning, and I'm certainly intrigued about what's to come next. Much of what criticism I have to offer has already been said, but I'll do my best to contribute regardless. I can be a bit harsh with feedback, by the way; please understand that I was quite impressed with your story, and that I'm overstating any flaws.

I understand that you're deliberately being confusing, and the dialogue is supposed to be a bit awkward, but you want to make sure that's it's obviously intentional. Something that is, to you, a purposeful style choice can easily come across as merely sloppy to an oblivious audience. Perhaps what happens next will clear that up some, but you don't want to discourage readers by being too vague from the start (although you still want to keep the mystery; it's a delicate balance). 

In addition, the switches between a visually descriptive narrator and the man's own restricted point of view did make it rather more difficult to follow. It did also heighten the surrealism, though, so if that's what you're going for, it should be fine. Just, again, make it clearly deliberate.

For more specific criticism, I think that the passage where the man is interacting with the dog could be shortened. You seem to be trying to show something happening to the dog, from the man's limited view point, which is really interesting. However, I feel like it could be improved by making it more concise. Several other issues, such as sentence flow and missing commas, have already been addressed, so I won't bore you with that again.

Overall, I think that it's a very promising start to an interesting story. I don't want anything that I said above to stand in the way of your artistic vision for the story. I mostly read books in a very different style from this (like Sanderson, for example), so my perspective is probably off. Depending on your target audience for this, though, it's still something to take into consideration. Anyway, I'm quite excited to see where this goes next, and I hope that you keep up the good work.

[Nathrangking]

I appreciate everyone's patience soon I will have an update. Trust me the wait will be worth it!!

EDIT: @Rushu42 feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[DrakeMarshall]

Poll answered.

As an afterthought: Please tell me you’re naming the prologue “A Deal with the Devlin” 

[Lunamor]

Just now, DrakeMarshmallow said:

Poll answered.

As an afterthought: Please tell me you’re naming the prologue “A Deal with the Devlin” 

I strongly second this.

[Nathrangking]

33 minutes ago, DrakeMarshmallow said:

Poll answered.

As an afterthought: Please tell me you’re naming the prologue “A Deal with the Devlin” 

32 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

I strongly second this.

Seriously ?

 

[Ishar]

1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

Seriously ?

 

Absolutely. Perhaps the best idea on this entire thread forum.

 

On the topic of the poll, I am not really sure why you are asking us, and personally I don't feel qualified to have an opinion on that. We have had 5 pages of story so far, and know basically nothing of the overarching plot, and until we do know more, it is really up to you.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Ishar

[Nathrangking]

55 minutes ago, Ishar said:

Absolutely. Perhaps the best idea on this entire thread forum.

Under advisement. Cast your vote. @Ishar its an opinion poll I'm trying to gauge the temperature of her as a character. @Snipexe I would love to hear your feedback.

Edited August 15, 2019 by Nathrangking

[DrakeMarshall]

4 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

Seriously ?

Maybe? 

I rarely do anything 100% seriously, but also rarely do anything 100% unseriously.

Spoiler

To give you a proper answer. It really depends on what tone you are going for. Some works can rock a witty title, and some just like don’t.

Judging by your response, I get the sense it isn’t a style you had in mind. Even if it was a really fantastic one-liner just waiting to happen 

 

[The Sovereign]

@Nathrangking I just answered your poll but my answer was based on an assumption I had made. I figured I should verify it... Ms. Devlin isn't really a she is it? More like the face that entity wore at that the time, no? Assuming that is the case the I would say yes to more appearances but not necessarily in that particular form.

[Robinski]

On 26/07/2019 at 11:38 PM, Nathrangking said:

This is the prologue of something much bigger that has been a long time coming. Calling... @Robinski...

Nathrangking, as I live and breath (at the time of posting), how the heck are you?

I'm at Dublin 2019 WorldCon at present, so it'll be a few days before I can get to this, but don't let me forget, I'd like to read it  

[Ashspren]

@Nathrangking, the story seems incredible! I’m excited to see where this goes. 

Like some of the previous readers have said, you do go a bit heavy on the adjectives in the beginning. They’re great descriptions, so it would be a shame to get rid of them— my advice would be to spread them out, or tell them in an indirect manner. For example, instead of saying “xyz was warm,” someone could write “he felt the warmth of xyz spreading across his fingertips.” I personally like using the noun form of a lot of adjectives, just because it seems more tangible to me, but it’s really up to preference. 

You have a few places where you could add some commas, such as the following:

Quote

“Are you okay, sir?”

”Listen lady, I don’t know...”

They’re not huge grammatical errors, but just something to help out with the flow. 

Overall, I’m honestly just so excited to see where this goes! The amount of creativity and depth you’ve already reached by creating a blind character is amazing. We so often use sight as the only way to display the world in writing, and by eliminating that sense, you are doing something so incredibly original. 

I really enjoyed reading this, Nath. Good luck!  

[Ishar]

On 8/14/2019 at 4:55 PM, Nathrangking said:

Cast your vote. @Ishar its an opinion poll I'm trying to gauge the temperature of her as a character.

With what we have seen of the story so far, I really don't feel qualified to say whether she should show up again, I think it would make sense, but we know so little that it is difficult to say