The beginning of something much larger

[Zephrun’s Imperium they/he]

You know, I really enjoyed reading that. It's a good story, I like it a lot. The only complaint I really have is that the poetic descriptions can be a tad distracting, but they're cool and give the story its own brand. I'm excited to see more.

[Ethan_sedai he/him]

Overall comments: It's kind of hard to keep track of what's happening. I mean I still can, it just requires more effort to keep track of than I'm used to. Maybe put the things that are going on just in his head in Italics?

I'm confused as to where all of these things in his head are coming from, but it seems like some things that are actually happening might be only appearing as what is happening in his head, which might make putting it in italics harder to apply... 

Typos:  Somewhere, it says seen instead of seem, or vice versa. I forgot where exactly, but it shouldn't be too hard to find.

Aside from that, I am looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Edited August 22, 2019 by Ethan_Sedai

[Nathrangking he/him]

On 8/21/2019 at 5:37 PM, Shard of Thought said:

You know, I really enjoyed reading that. It's a good story, I like it a lot. The only complaint I really have is that the poetic descriptions can be a tad distracting, but they're cool and give the story its own brand. I'm excited to see more.

 Success!!

3 hours ago, Ethan_Sedai said:

Overall comments: It's kind of hard to keep track of what's happening. I mean I still can, it just requires more effort to keep track of than I'm used to. Maybe put the things that are going on just in his head in Italics?

I'm confused as to where all of these things in his head are coming from, but it seems like some things that are actually happening might be only appearing as what is happening in his head, which might make putting it in italics harder to apply... 

Typos:  Somewhere, it says seen instead of seem, or vice versa. I forgot where exactly, but it shouldn't be too hard to find.

Aside from that, I am looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Going on in his head? Tell me what is happening in his head. That would help determine their source. "It seems like some things that are actually happening might be only appearing as what is happening in his head, which might make putting it in italics harder to apply... " Bingo. Success!! 

[Robinski he/him]

On 16/08/2019 at 7:38 PM, Nathrangking said:

 @Robinski come on down you are the recipients of chapter 1. *Bows with a flourish.*

I'm getting there;  I'm getting there. I got back from WorldCon yesterday. There's a good chance I'll get to it today.

[Nathrangking he/him]

9 hours ago, Robinski said:

I'm getting there;  I'm getting there. I got back from WorldCon yesterday. There's a good chance I'll get to it today.

Take your time and enjoy it. I'm always jumping the gun when it comes to asking for feedback.

[Robinski he/him]

17 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

Take your time and enjoy it. I'm always jumping the gun when it comes to asking for feedback.

Okay, I'm reading.

Prologue

- The POV bothers me a bit. I guess this is omnipotent present. I'm not a huge fan of omnipotent in the first place, but more so here, because you're dealing with a main character (I'm presuming he is) who is blind, and yet we get to see every reaction and sign and sight. For me, this diluted the impact on the story of him being blind.

- The prose is written well enough for the most part, flows fairly well in a somewhat formal and rather style tending towards dry. I was less keen on the dialogue, which comes over rather stilted, I thought. It's not bad, imo, but it's not all that convincing as a mode in which real people would speak in this situation, it seemed to me.

- To home in on the prose though, there are some word choices and some phrases that did not come over well for me. E.g. "so unremarkable that... of a truly depraved mind" - Why? I don't follow. Is this intended as humour? If so then irony, clearly. The trouble is irony is difficult to get across in narrative, I think, especially if its humour value is on the low side to begin with, which this was for me. Humour is such a subjective thing. The way you find out if it works is to have folk read it, of course, so well done on that score  

- The description is good, for me. I like the level of it, not too much, and when it's there it's convincing, like when he pukes, for example. I get a reasonable feeling of being there, which is good.

- When he starts wondering around, where did the dog go? Why doesn't he think about the dog? The dog has been his whole window on the world. I don't think it's likely he would completely forget it, even with this revelation.

- I don't buy the cannonball strike. If the soldiers are standing close enough to splash him in gore, but the cannonball is too high to hit him, it just be dropping very steeply. I don't think that would happen. There is a limit to cannon trajectory, which would be flatter than that of a mortar, which throws projectiles in a high are to drop down on the enemy.

- Another thing to mention, I don't feel any great connection with the man, because he is anonymous. We've go no name, and we don't have a great deal of access to his thoughts. We get some sense of emotion, sure, but no deduction, no analysis, no motivation. This make the story feel very impersonal, imo, which is not an engaging position to be in. My hope is that (seeing Chapter 1 coming up), as would be the case with most prologues, we will be transported to the story propose, where there is an inner monologue (or outer dialogue) that I can connect with and invest in at a character level.

Okay, my day just kicked off. I'll need to come back to this later, but at least I'm on the board!  

[Robinski he/him]

Okay,

Chapter 1 

- I don't know what's happening. There is a lot of flowery language going on here and it's rather purple. I get the gist that, he's delirious, or suffering a PTSD episode, I think. It's hard to get a handle on what's happening. Or rather, I can trace the simple events that are occurring (He's told to calm down; he asks to be released; he says he can't pay), basically the things in dialogue, but the narrative is difficult, confusing.

- The line the doctor says about the glasses: how do they know that? How can they know that? I don't understand.

- The interweaving of the castle imagery and the medical discussion is, frustrating to me. I'm passingly interested in the conflict of the man getting out of the hospital, but the castle narrative is getting in the way for me.

- Clicks, guns, saws and chains. Too much for me, too purple. Like ivory writs and sapphire dams, it's clever if a bit obscure, and it's not really engaging me.

- "He swings at her" - this is hateful. This is where I stopped reading. I've bee unable to invest anything in this character because of his anonymity. I'm deliberately kept at a distance from him by his lack of identity and the other things I mentioned above. Here, however, he goes beyond blankness in a way that I find distasteful. Okay, he's not responsible for his actions, I suppose, because he's suffering from mental illness, but I'm not interested in reading about a character, responsible or not, trying to violently assault hospital staff who are trying to help him. Not to mention the verbal abuse which he was dishing out before he became physically violent.

I skimmed though to the end, but I don't see anything that changers my view expressed previously. This is not a story I would read any further with then maybe the prologue, if I had picked it up in a bookstore in search of something to read. Another thing, and it's important I think. What genre is this story in? There's nothing to tell me that. There's nothing obviously fantastical or SF about it. If it is either of those things, you have to show that on the first page to confirm to the reader what kind of story they are reading.

There's some good writing here, I don't want that to go inside. There is obvious developing skill here, but I think it's pointing in the wrong direction in various places in this extract. The absolute central element of any story is character. You can have a brilliant setting, plot, explosive dialogue, etc., but if you don't have a character or characters that engage the reader, and make the reader root for them your going to struggle to find any kind of outlet for your stories. My advice as someone who has finished 6 novels, 2 novellas, 3 novelettes and 13 short stories (one long-listed for an SF award), is to go back and think about character and how the engage the reader rather than keeping them at a distance and putting barriers between the reader and your character, which is honestly what I think you are doing here.

I wish you the very best with this project. Nothing in writing is easy; nothing. I think this is 'better' (by which I mean more accessible and more interesting, imo) than the play of yours that I started reading last year around this time. I think it's worth pursuing, and I gather you have a whole idea behind it, which is great, and I'm sure deserves to be developed.

Good luck!  

[Nathrangking he/him]

18 hours ago, Robinski said:

Okay, I'm reading.

Prologue

- The POV bothers me a bit. I guess this is omnipotent present. I'm not a huge fan of omnipotent in the first place, but more so here, because you're dealing with a main character (I'm presuming he is) who is blind, and yet we get to see every reaction and sign and sight. For me, this diluted the impact on the story of him being blind.

- The prose is written well enough for the most part, flows fairly well in a somewhat formal and rather style tending towards dry. I was less keen on the dialogue, which comes over rather stilted, I thought. It's not bad, imo, but it's not all that convincing as a mode in which real people would speak in this situation, it seemed to me.

- To home in on the prose though, there are some word choices and some phrases that did not come over well for me. E.g. "so unremarkable that... of a truly depraved mind" - Why? I don't follow. Is this intended as humour? If so then irony, clearly. The trouble is irony is difficult to get across in narrative, I think, especially if its humour value is on the low side to begin with, which this was for me. Humour is such a subjective thing. The way you find out if it works is to have folk read it, of course, so well done on that score  

- The description is good, for me. I like the level of it, not too much, and when it's there it's convincing, like when he pukes, for example. I get a reasonable feeling of being there, which is good.

- When he starts wondering around, where did the dog go? Why doesn't he think about the dog? The dog has been his whole window on the world. I don't think it's likely he would completely forget it, even with this revelation.

- I don't buy the cannonball strike. If the soldiers are standing close enough to splash him in gore, but the cannonball is too high to hit him, it just be dropping very steeply. I don't think that would happen. There is a limit to cannon trajectory, which would be flatter than that of a mortar, which throws projectiles in a high are to drop down on the enemy.

- Another thing to mention, I don't feel any great connection with the man, because he is anonymous. We've go no name, and we don't have a great deal of access to his thoughts. We get some sense of emotion, sure, but no deduction, no analysis, no motivation. This make the story feel very impersonal, imo, which is not an engaging position to be in. My hope is that (seeing Chapter 1 coming up), as would be the case with most prologues, we will be transported to the story propose, where there is an inner monologue (or outer dialogue) that I can connect with and invest in at a character level.

Okay, my day just kicked off. I'll need to come back to this later, but at least I'm on the board!  

12 hours ago, Robinski said:

Okay,

Chapter 1 

- I don't know what's happening. There is a lot of flowery language going on here and it's rather purple. I get the gist that, he's delirious, or suffering a PTSD episode, I think. It's hard to get a handle on what's happening. Or rather, I can trace the simple events that are occurring (He's told to calm down; he asks to be released; he says he can't pay), basically the things in dialogue, but the narrative is difficult, confusing.

- The line the doctor says about the glasses: how do they know that? How can they know that? I don't understand.

- The interweaving of the castle imagery and the medical discussion is, frustrating to me. I'm passingly interested in the conflict of the man getting out of the hospital, but the castle narrative is getting in the way for me.

- Clicks, guns, saws and chains. Too much for me, too purple. Like ivory writs and sapphire dams, it's clever if a bit obscure, and it's not really engaging me.

- "He swings at her" - this is hateful. This is where I stopped reading. I've bee unable to invest anything in this character because of his anonymity. I'm deliberately kept at a distance from him by his lack of identity and the other things I mentioned above. Here, however, he goes beyond blankness in a way that I find distasteful. Okay, he's not responsible for his actions, I suppose, because he's suffering from mental illness, but I'm not interested in reading about a character, responsible or not, trying to violently assault hospital staff who are trying to help him. Not to mention the verbal abuse which he was dishing out before he became physically violent.

I skimmed though to the end, but I don't see anything that changers my view expressed previously. This is not a story I would read any further with then maybe the prologue, if I had picked it up in a bookstore in search of something to read. Another thing, and it's important I think. What genre is this story in? There's nothing to tell me that. There's nothing obviously fantastical or SF about it. If it is either of those things, you have to show that on the first page to confirm to the reader what kind of story they are reading.

There's some good writing here, I don't want that to go inside. There is obvious developing skill here, but I think it's pointing in the wrong direction in various places in this extract. The absolute central element of any story is character. You can have a brilliant setting, plot, explosive dialogue, etc., but if you don't have a character or characters that engage the reader, and make the reader root for them your going to struggle to find any kind of outlet for your stories. My advice as someone who has finished 6 novels, 2 novellas, 3 novelettes and 13 short stories (one long-listed for an SF award), is to go back and think about character and how the engage the reader rather than keeping them at a distance and putting barriers between the reader and your character, which is honestly what I think you are doing here.

I wish you the very best with this project. Nothing in writing is easy; nothing. I think this is 'better' (by which I mean more accessible and more interesting, imo) than the play of yours that I started reading last year around this time. I think it's worth pursuing, and I gather you have a whole idea behind it, which is great, and I'm sure deserves to be developed.

Good luck!  

Well on the bright side the writing proved much better which relieves me immensely. The separation you noticed is intentional with what I have planned you are not supposed to like him anytime soon. That he acts the way he does is purposeful. His is a character whose growth is meant to come over many volumes. Right now he is is in impossibly bad shape. Though the key here to give away a little are those wonderful glasses of his. In terms of genre this is my experimental surrealistic piece. That is why it comes off as it does. The dog and everything else well it may have happened or maybe not. You tell me. I hope that I can keep you on to read more.

 

Edited August 25, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Robinski he/him]

6 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

The separation you noticed is intentional

Right. That's a high risk strategy because of what I said about having the reader invest in the character. I would suggest people will not read many volumes if they don't like the first one, or the first chapter, or the first page.

6 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

In terms of genre this is my experimental surrealistic piece.

Okay. Thanks for clarifying. I would tend to struggle with that as it's not really my thing.

6 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

I hope that I can keep you on to read more.

Well, I won't make any promises as I am so freakin' busy at the moment before I even start on my day job, but lets see where the road takes us  

Edited August 25, 2019 by Robinski

[Ripheus23]

I really liked it, the implied pacing is solid and the buildup of images is too. There's an empathy gap for me at the start but the introduction of the blind man's condition via flashback filled that pretty well quickly.

[Nathrangking he/him]

On 8/28/2019 at 1:24 PM, Ripheus23 said:

I really liked it, the implied pacing is solid and the buildup of images is too. There's an empathy gap for me at the start but the introduction of the blind man's condition via flashback filled that pretty well quickly.

I'm glad that this was successful and enjoyable. More will come if you are interested in reading follow the thread and feel free to answer the above poll.   

 

Edited September 16, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Zephrun’s Imperium they/he]

I have it pulled up in a tab, I'll read it eventually. 

[Nathrangking he/him]

1 minute ago, Shard of Thought said:

I have it pulled up in a tab, I'll read it eventually. 

No worries !! Just keeping my readership informed.

[Ixthos Luke/Luke]

@Nathrangking sorry about taking so long to review this - life has been rather busy lately, and I want to give a thorough review.

This review of the new parts doesn't take into account what anyone else has said, so I might be repeating things you have already heard. I've grouped my observations based on type.

 

• The writing is very poetic and bordering on flowery - it makes following what is happening a little difficult which might be the point. I'm assuming you are going for what Brandon referred to as stained glass, rather than a clear pane
• The narration is switching between an omniscient narrator and his own perspective in chapter 1 as well as the prologue, though I didn't notice that in the second chapter - is this intended?
• Strange imagery, like a barbed slab, a marine with a mace, arrows, things he says become metaphors literally rather than figuratively, gives the story a very surreal nature. Its interesting and wondering about that - you seem to reduce that a lot in the third part, aside from him becoming an echo. Its treating ideas as objects, and metaphors as literal reality - its interesting but a bit jarring, so if that was your intention then well done :-)
• Some context information is being given a little too late for the previous sentence or paragraph to make sense, such as when we are told he shouted after the fact - silence greeted his shout is an example, as is his reaction to the release forms when he asks in outrage what is this before we are told what the problem is, and the answer came in part way though the dialogue from the nurse, and it makes following what is happening a little hard to follow
• I rather liked some of the descriptions, such as seeing with his left hand, I thought that was a nice touch, along with several others
• Unclear if he actually is seeing these metaphoric descriptions, or feeling the things described as flowing from him, etc., as he isn't reacting to them - is he perceiving his dialogue becoming snakes which fly filled with poison? That seems to reduce in scenes where he is wearing the glasses, so are they his own attempts to make sense of a world he can't see?
• On that, it's strange how he was seeing the surreal world - or it was being described, as he doesn't react to it - before putting the glasses back on, which makes me wonder if he has become infected by something, or if he really is just deeply traumatised. Also, the sudden shift into the medival-esque setting was again surreal, though perhaps his seeming under-reaction to that is again an indication he isn't fully whole
• Not exactly sure what was happening with the kingdom - was the nephew's forces attacking the king? Where the invaders the civilians, the men and woman and children being the invaders?

 

It is still a little jarring to read and a little hard to follow everything that is happening - for a while I thought the king had suddenly been attacked and his head cut off while his disembodied head pleaded he wasn't to blame - it took rereading it to realise it was again metaphors of his throat being seized, and his crown that fell, but I wasn't fully following what was happening, trying to figure out if the nephew actually had vanished, trying to follow the events so I got confused at that part. Still, this looks rather interesting and I am interested in what is happening, and hope it will be made clear - at the end, will what has happened be made clear, or explanations presented which might not be the answer but provide possible explanations? I never watched it but the Prisoner - a surreal series about a captive agent in a strange beachside village - got a lot of flack in the end because it ended on a bizarre note with the true mastermind being ... the main character himself! And they never explained what had happened. Are you going for that in the end, or a plausible but also hinted at maybe not the case answer at the end that will pull everything together and make subsequent re-reads have a new light?

 

I'm interested in what happens next :-)

[Zephrun’s Imperium they/he]

That was pretty darn epic, Nath.  A little hard to follow, but still epic. 

[Nathrangking he/him]

4 hours ago, Ixthos said:

@Nathrangking sorry about taking so long to review this - life has been rather busy lately, and I want to give a thorough review.

This review of the new parts doesn't take into account what anyone else has said, so I might be repeating things you have already heard. I've grouped my observations based on type.

 

• The writing is very poetic and bordering on flowery - it makes following what is happening a little difficult which might be the point. I'm assuming you are going for what Brandon referred to as stained glass, rather than a clear pane
• The narration is switching between an omniscient narrator and his own perspective in chapter 1 as well as the prologue, though I didn't notice that in the second chapter - is this intended?
• Strange imagery, like a barbed slab, a marine with a mace, arrows, things he says become metaphors literally rather than figuratively, gives the story a very surreal nature. Its interesting and wondering about that - you seem to reduce that a lot in the third part, aside from him becoming an echo. Its treating ideas as objects, and metaphors as literal reality - its interesting but a bit jarring, so if that was your intention then well done :-)
• Some context information is being given a little too late for the previous sentence or paragraph to make sense, such as when we are told he shouted after the fact - silence greeted his shout is an example, as is his reaction to the release forms when he asks in outrage what is this before we are told what the problem is, and the answer came in part way though the dialogue from the nurse, and it makes following what is happening a little hard to follow
• I rather liked some of the descriptions, such as seeing with his left hand, I thought that was a nice touch, along with several others
• Unclear if he actually is seeing these metaphoric descriptions, or feeling the things described as flowing from him, etc., as he isn't reacting to them - is he perceiving his dialogue becoming snakes which fly filled with poison? That seems to reduce in scenes where he is wearing the glasses, so are they his own attempts to make sense of a world he can't see?
• On that, it's strange how he was seeing the surreal world - or it was being described, as he doesn't react to it - before putting the glasses back on, which makes me wonder if he has become infected by something, or if he really is just deeply traumatised. Also, the sudden shift into the medival-esque setting was again surreal, though perhaps his seeming under-reaction to that is again an indication he isn't fully whole
• Not exactly sure what was happening with the kingdom - was the nephew's forces attacking the king? Where the invaders the civilians, the men and woman and children being the invaders?

 

It is still a little jarring to read and a little hard to follow everything that is happening - for a while I thought the king had suddenly been attacked and his head cut off while his disembodied head pleaded he wasn't to blame - it took rereading it to realise it was again metaphors of his throat being seized, and his crown that fell, but I wasn't fully following what was happening, trying to figure out if the nephew actually had vanished, trying to follow the events so I got confused at that part. Still, this looks rather interesting and I am interested in what is happening, and hope it will be made clear - at the end, will what has happened be made clear, or explanations presented which might not be the answer but provide possible explanations? I never watched it but the Prisoner - a surreal series about a captive agent in a strange beachside village - got a lot of flack in the end because it ended on a bizarre note with the true mastermind being ... the main character himself! And they never explained what had happened. Are you going for that in the end, or a plausible but also hinted at maybe not the case answer at the end that will pull everything together and make subsequent re-reads have a new light?

 

I'm interested in what happens next :-)

No problem at all I much prefer high quality reviews to quick reviews. Now to unpack as I do!

"The writing is very poetic and bordering on flowery - it makes following what is happening a little difficult which might be the point. I'm assuming you are going for what Brandon referred to as stained glass, rather than a clear pane" This is intentional and relates to the surrealism that you see throughout the released materials.

"The narration is switching between an omniscient narrator and his own perspective in chapter 1 as well as the prologue, though I didn't notice that in the second chapter - is this intended?" It seems as I go along my skill improves. The subtlety of chapter 2 is that the omniscient narrator is doing much of the heavy lifting here. Though I sprinkled the perspective of the man far more conservatively.

• "Some context information is being given a little too late for the previous sentence or paragraph to make sense, such as when we are told he shouted after the fact - silence greeted his shout is an example, as is his reaction to the release forms when he asks in outrage what is this before we are told what the problem is, and the answer came in part way though the dialogue from the nurse, and it makes following what is happening a little hard to follow
• I rather liked some of the descriptions, such as seeing with his left hand, I thought that was a nice touch, along with several others
• Unclear if he actually is seeing these metaphoric descriptions, or feeling the things described as flowing from him, etc., as he isn't reacting to them - is he perceiving his dialogue becoming snakes which fly filled with poison? That seems to reduce in scenes where he is wearing the glasses, so are they his own attempts to make sense of a world he can't see?
• On that, it's strange how he was seeing the surreal world - or it was being described, as he doesn't react to it - before putting the glasses back on, which makes me wonder if he has become infected by something, or if he really is just deeply traumatised. Also, the sudden shift into the medival-esque setting was again surreal, though perhaps his seeming under-reaction to that is again an indication he isn't fully whole" This is where a combination of fleshing out a blind character and dealing with the surrealism comes into play. It should raise questions. As far as the world prior to his wearing of the glasses it may or may not be connected to what happens later.
• "Not exactly sure what was happening with the kingdom - was the nephew's forces attacking the king? Where the invaders the civilians, the men and woman and children being the invaders?" They are the civilians.
• "it took rereading it to realise it was again metaphors of his throat being seized, and his crown that fell" This was mixture of metaphor with the throat and reality with the crown falling.
• "trying to figure out if the nephew actually had vanished" He left the room explicitly.

As to what is happening and what will be revealed RAFO. Follow the thread to see updates as they come and vote on top. Bonus points if you can tell me the chapter's inspiration.

 

@Shard of Thought Any specific thoughts on the topic? 

Bonus points if you can tell me the chapter's inspiration.

[Zephrun’s Imperium they/he]

No, I've no idea where you got that. But I just like fantastical action and blood and revenge, even when I have little context. 

[Rushu42 she/her]

My thoughts on this next chapter: (apologies if any of this has already been said; I don't have time to read the entire thread) I would say that the latest chapter is better than the first two. Once we're focused on something other than the unnamed protagonist, the action really picks up. At this point, I'm frankly a lot more interested in the story of the King and his nephew than that of this troubled veteran and his magic glasses. That part gives me serious King Arthur vibes. However, this could pose a problem for your story. If your main character isn't easy to sympathise with, or even understand, it's going to make it a lot harder to keep people interested in your story.

The PoV still confuses me. Several times you make it seem as if we're understanding things from the man's perspective, but most of the rest of the time we get a sense of the whole scene. Try to commit to one of these, please.

I think the main problem with your story is that it's really hard to follow. The excessive descriptions make it very difficult to sperate the metaphors from reality. I don't know whether this is intentional or not, but please note that it makes it really hard to know what's actually going on. It makes sense for the protagonist to not know what's going on, especially in his apparently fragile mental state, but unless this is from his perspective, the readers should have a better idea. You have done a better job with it this chapter, but it still feels like you're trying to do two things at once. Are you showing us life from inside the mind of this broken man, or are you telling a fantasy mystery? 

If this criticism was too harsh, I'm sorry, but you did ask for my opinion.

[Nathrangking he/him]

1 hour ago, Rushu42 said:

My thoughts on this next chapter: (apologies if any of this has already been said; I don't have time to read the entire thread) I would say that the latest chapter is better than the first two. Once we're focused on something other than the unnamed protagonist, the action really picks up. At this point, I'm frankly a lot more interested in the story of the King and his nephew than that of this troubled veteran and his magic glasses. That part gives me serious King Arthur vibes. However, this could pose a problem for your story. If your main character isn't easy to sympathise with, or even understand, it's going to make it a lot harder to keep people interested in your story.

The PoV still confuses me. Several times you make it seem as if we're understanding things from the man's perspective, but most of the rest of the time we get a sense of the whole scene. Try to commit to one of these, please.

I think the main problem with your story is that it's really hard to follow. The excessive descriptions make it very difficult to separate the metaphors from reality. I don't know whether this is intentional or not, but please note that it makes it really hard to know what's actually going on. It makes sense for the protagonist to not know what's going on, especially in his apparently fragile mental state, but unless this is from his perspective, the readers should have a better idea. You have done a better job with it this chapter, but it still feels like you're trying to do two things at once. Are you showing us life from inside the mind of this broken man, or are you telling a fantasy mystery? 

If this criticism was too harsh, I'm sorry, but you did ask for my opinion.

I have told people that I could spin off the chapter as a separate story if ever I felt like it though now I don't. As far as sympathy if this chapter did not do it more is on its way. The PoV's and uncertainty are key to this story which is neither of the things that you suggested. 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Page 4 of the pdf has a spelling error. I believe it should be “Lil's chuckles.” I’m not a fantastic writer, but so far this looks pretty good! In the dramatic parts the imagery is good, but if you can add in different senses such as taste and scent.

[Nathrangking he/him]

7 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Page 4 of the pdf has a spelling error. I believe it should be “Lil's chuckles.” I’m not a fantastic writer, but so far this looks pretty good! In the dramatic parts the imagery is good, but if you can add in different senses such as taste and scent.

I hope that you enjoy! Let me know what you think as you read. The PDF is fine that was intentional as was the focus on vision. This is meant to be surrealistic experimental piece hence some choices. If you want to read as updates come in follow the thread and if you want vote in the poll.

[Elsecaller_17.5 he/him]

I do like it, it grabs your attention and you want to keep reading. As far as improvements go it’s very choppy, try varying your sentence structure more.

[Nathrangking he/him]

2 minutes ago, Truthwatcher_17.5 said:

I do like it, it grabs your attention and you want to keep reading. As far as improvements go it’s very choppy, try varying your sentence structure more.

I'm glad that the prologue and the 1st two chapters are attention grabbing and enjoyable. If you want to read as the updates come in you can follow the thread and or follow me. Also should you decide to vote on the poll above feel free.

[Nathrangking he/him]

1 minute ago, winter devotion said:

Hm? Me? 

Indeed. I am interested to have you as part of the conversation/ my beta team.

[Nathrangking he/him]

Just now, winter devotion said:

Why me? 

Why not? I'm looking for many different perspectives. I think that you represent an unbiased opinion.