The beginning of something much larger

[Nathrangking he/him]

On 9/9/2019 at 9:04 PM, winter devotion said:

Aw, shucks. I'm absolutely not unbiased, though I'm flattered. Lemme check it out! 

Sounds good to me!! @winter devotion, when you have a critique please let me know. Also to catch updates follow me and or the thread.

Edited September 16, 2019 by Nathrangking

[TheGirlWhoLookedUp she/her]

sorry I couldn't comment earlier, but wow. I'm pretty intrigued. I've only read the prologue so far (I don't have much time to read it all now) but it was very gripping.

I'm not much of a critic, but I have a few thoughts. Also people, have probably already said this, so sorry if I repeat a few things.

You added a lot of descriptions to your story. they were good descriptions, but they were mostly using sight and sound. If you wanted to add variety, you could replace some with descriptions of the smells, the textures and the temperatures. Make it feel like you're there, not just watching it. the only other thing I can think of was it was a bit drawn out. I think shortening it a small bit will add to the intrigue and mystery.

I really liked it though, and again I'm not very good at giving solid advice. I hope you continue to work on it.

[Nathrangking he/him]

3 minutes ago, TheGirlWhoLookedUp said:

sorry I couldn't comment earlier, but wow. I'm pretty intrigued. I've only read the prologue so far (I don't have much time to read it all now) but it was very gripping.

I'm not much of a critic, but I have a few thoughts. Also people, have probably already said this, so sorry if I repeat a few things.

You added a lot of descriptions to your story. they were good descriptions, but they were mostly using sight and sound. If you wanted to add variety, you could replace some with descriptions of the smells, the textures and the temperatures. Make it feel like you're there, not just watching it. the only other thing I can think of was it was a bit drawn out. I think shortening it a small bit will add to the intrigue and mystery.

I really liked it though, and again I'm not very good at giving solid advice. I hope you continue to work on it.

I think that you show yourself quite capable of critique. I look forward to anything more should you give it. Also to catch updates follow me and or the thread.

[Pagliacci he/him]

On 10/09/2019 at 11:16 AM, Nathrangking said:

@Pagliacci, @phoenix2563, @Wyndlerunner, @Jaywalk when you have a critique please let me know.

Life's been pretty hectic as of late but I'll try to read the draft as soon as I can.

[Nathrangking he/him]

Sorry that my update to the story took so long to put out the update to my novella. Here is Prologue to chapter 3 for your enjoyment and critique. @Rushu42

Warped Gate.docx

[Zephrun’s Imperium they/he]

I felt the the dialogue in this chapter was kind of awkward and unnatural. You've gotta keep in mind that the characters are not the *narrators and therefore, their language will be different. If you can make each character's style of speech different, you will make the story easier to understand and make the characters more real. Keep up the good work, Nath!

*

Spoiler

Unless it's CBST. Then the main characters are all Narrators. 

 

[Nathrangking he/him]

8 hours ago, Shard of Thought said:

I felt the the dialogue in this chapter was kind of awkward and unnatural. You've gotta keep in mind that the characters are not the *narrators and therefore, their language will be different. If you can make each character's style of speech different, you will make the story easier to understand and make the characters more real. Keep up the good work, Nath!

*

  Reveal hidden contents

Unless it's CBST. Then the main characters are all Narrators. 

 

I hear it would be a problem for real people. Again is this happening?

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

@Nathrangking

My dear nathrang, I have now read chapter 2 (sorry for taking a huge amount of time to get to it). I still don't really feel like this is my kind of story. I really don't know how to critique this, since most of my issues are very subjective. I am happy to see that so many others in the thread really digs it though, so it is nothing wrong with the story. I will try to get to chapter 3 rather soon. 

[Nathrangking he/him]

2 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

@Nathrangking

My dear nathrang, I have now read chapter 2 (sorry for taking a huge amount of time to get to it). I still don't really feel like this is my kind of story. I really don't know how to critique this, since most of my issues are very subjective. I am happy to see that so many others in the thread really digs it though, so it is nothing wrong with the story. I will try to get to chapter 3 rather soon. 

Its no problem at all Toaster. I get that this story is not necessarily a hit with everyone. I'm curious what about the story just did not work for you. That critique is invaluable as there will be many out there who will feel the same way that you do.

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

3 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

Its no problem at all Toaster. I get that this story is not necessarily a hit with everyone. I'm curious what about the story just did not work for you. That critique is invaluable as there will be many out there who will feel the same way that you do.

I wrote about my issues some pages ago in the thread :-) But I’ll be glad to write them down again if that is helpful for you:

*I dont really feel the connection to the characters or world. It is quite unclear to me what is happening and who the people are. No one has names (though a peek ahead told me that changes in chapter 3) and doesnt really get to show their personalities that much. I pretty sure this is a choice on your part, that we are supposed to feel as confused as the POV, but that doesnt really work for me.

*I am very much a dialogue guy, and there isn’t a ton of dialogue in your story. Obviously, this is not a flaw, but purely my personal taste. I am generally not too fond of very long descriptions of things (which is an issue I have with Tolkien and Jordan) and you do have quite long descriptions of things. Again, not a bad thing, just a question of taste. 
 

It does speak for the story that so many others are digging it though. Keep it up!