The Longest Thread (Misadventures)

[Ink]

Butt wouldn’t jump off of Yoshi’s back over a cliff, because he wasn’t that sort of friend (unlike a certain plumber in red)

[Kidpen]

The plumber ink is referring to is Zelda in her hit spin off game.

[Silva]

It wasn't as good as the original.

[Kidpen]

The original was better.

The tautology club applauded. 

[Rebecca]

The sound of applause rose from the tautology club.

[Kidpen]

The tautology club quickly put their hands apart and together again, creating sound.

Edited November 9, 2018 by Kidpen

[Silva]

Sound arose from the tautology as they quickly put their hands apart and together again.

[whattheHoid]

Together and apart, apart and together their hands went as loud sounds pierced the air.

[Kidpen]

Vibrations moved through the air, creating a sensation we interpret as sound. 

[whattheHoid]

Vibrating air, sounds abound, rippling air.

[Ink]

The group who specialized in repeated phrases, also known as “tautology” continued to rotate their shoulder and elbow joints in a way to bring the grasping apparatuses on the ends of their arms together, causing air to rush from the space, and the vibrations of both the moving molecules of air and the touching of the grasping apparatuses traveled into other living beings’ auditory sensory organs, which ran to the large organ in their head which processes input and decides an approprate output, translating the vibrations into a noise we call “applause.” The proccessing organ then repeats the process to cause these vibrations with it’s own limbs by sending electric pulses through a series of nerves moving the necessary muscles to...

you get the idea.

[Gancho Libre]

Pinterest Sues joined the tautology club.

[Kidpen]

A woman named Pinterest Sues came to the meetings of the club that is based around tautology.

[Gancho Libre]

Pinterest Sues applied to join the tautology club by coming to the meetings.

[Ink]

The tautology club gained a new member in Pintrest Sues, as she began coming to meetings.

[RoadWalker]

But Pinterest Sue began to contribute bad ideas to the tautology club's meetings.

Another sound was then discovered - a single low note of disappointment from the mouth, commonly known as "BOOOOOOOOOOO!".

Edited November 9, 2018 by ThePhotoBaum

[whattheHoid]

Disappointment sounded out of the apparatus known as the mouth, which sounded disappointed, which translated to 'Booooooooooooo!'

[Borio Singaldi]

Narrator Firerust was sick of tautology, so he manipulated the universe so that Butt Venture was sick of tautology. So it was eliminated. Butt went on a journey with his cousin Elend to search for Uncle Brandy’s waffle treasure, which was hidden in the land of the ghanderflaffles that existed only on the seventh plane of existence. Butt and Elend made this interdimensional journey with Orang and Meme Man, collecting a golden octahedron of enlightenment along the way. They used this to destroy all the defenses around the waffle treasure, which turned out to be an army of breadmunks. The power of the octahedron caused them all to explode. In fact, the power was so great that it caused every breadmunk across all expanses of time and space to explode, which meant that every previous time a breadmunk had inexplicably exploded in the events of the Longest Thread, it had actually been caused by Butt’s use of the octahedron in the far future. Every instance of breadmunks exploding we’ve written and read was actually caused by this event in the far future. This conundrum destroyed the universe and everything exploded and it was sad. Except for the realm of the ghanderflaffles, which survived because of its vicinity to the octahedron. All that lived in the universe now was Butt, Elend, the elusive Cornfather, the 24 ghanderflaffles, Uncle Brandy’s ghost, the 0.0000000000001% of Gaz’s hat, and Harold, who had evaded universal destruction by going to a porta-potty during the World Cup finals. Butt realized that the power of the octahedron was too great for him, and he gave it to Harold. Harold was able to use it for its proper purpose – enlightenment – and gained all the knowledge of existence, which he used to play proxy for Adonalsium and recreate the entire universe from its destruction. Unfortunately, he made the entire universe football-oriented (real football, not the American kind) in retribution for missing the end of the big game. Butt and Elend didn’t know about this, because they were busy eating Uncle Brandy’s waffle treasure and gaining godlike powers from them such as healthiness, aptitude, actual intelligence, and the answers to what “UNITE THEM” meant. Elend used this knowledge to unite Scadrial as the Final Emperor, and so his tale was done. But Butt wasn’t all that smart from eating the waffles, because he decided to stay in the realm of the ghanderflaffles and keep eating, even though the ghanderflaffles were out to get him now. But 20 of the ghanderflaffles were distracted by the sight of the the 0.0000000000001% of Gaz’s hat and forgot everything they ever knew. (And consequently, Narrator Firerust learned that you can’t paste text you cut after clicking undo after the text was cut, since the timeline of events was altered and now nothing could be pasted. And this is why copy and paste is better). 2 of the remaining ghanderflaffles were destroyed by Orang and Meme Man, who had Returned to get revenge on Butt for making the breadmunks (and consequently, the universe) explode. But then the other two ghanderflaffles showed up and removed their disguises, revealing themselves to be none other than Uncle Brandy and Borio Singaldi. The real ghanderflaffles they were impersonating had been knocked unconscious and gagged with milk-soaked rags before being dumped in the Pits of Hatham (because Hatham was dead and could do nothing about it). In the #1 greatest anime fight of all time (out of the Top 10), Borio and Brandy battled Orang and Meme Man. The results of their actions caused the realm of the ghanderflaffles to get scrunched, and they were all launched back to Earth. There, they discovered the changes Harold had made to the universe to make it soccer-oriented, so Butt, Brandy, Borio, BOrang, and BMeme Man united together to create an army of PlayStation Miis and begin a revolution against Harold. But then the Grandmaster appeared out of nowhere and pardoned all the Miis from life. But then a thermonuke hit him and blew up both him and the octahedron, meaning there was nothing to be done to reverse what Harold had done. The story got so Sanderson-avalanchey that an actual avalanche began which drowned Harold in yellow snow. Unfortunately, Uncle Brandy was caught in the avalanche and died as well. It was very dramatic and sad, and sad music played. Borio Singaldi shaved off his mustache to add to the drama and misery. The mustache Returned and became the new golden octahedron of enlightenment and shavery. Borio used it to return all existence and the story to normal, even giving himself a new and better mustache. And a second cane, because he was actually Kyle. And Kyle was now happy, because having the two canes made up for losing the last thermonuke in his nuke collection. Because all the thermonukes that ever came out of nowhere and hit random people across the Longest Thread were actually accidentally sent by Kyle each and every time. But now they were gone. Any thermonuke that would show up in the story again would be sent by someone else, though no one knew who that was. Actually, everyone knew who Someone Else was. He was the only other guy in the universe who controlled thermonukes, but Kyle had taken all of them and accidentally dropped them onto random characters at random points in the thread’s history. Someone Else wanted revenge, except he had no more nukes, and neither did Kyle. Someone Else looked for the Shard of Unrelevance to give him unnecessary power. Then a thermonuke hit him and he was professionally pardoned from life. Now all evil was gone, and people could find peace. Orang and Meme Man left for another universe (the third one, specifically) to combat the Eternal Army of Vegatals and be the vanguard for the Order of the Steak. And Butt went to Timbuktu to live out the rest of his days in peace. Everyone left to lead different futures. Except Uncle Brandy. He was alone. He was alone, but he was at peace. At peace with the knowledge that the post was almost done. He had finally fulfilled his role in the Longest Thread, or at least the Longest Post in the Longest Thread. Which was good enough. He looked up into the sky, seeing a rather boring looking star constellation that was shaped like a thread. The longest one in existence. That thread… was happy. So Uncle Brandy was happy. Because he was the heart and soul of the Longest Thread. He knew his story wasn’t yet done… but a significant portion of his life had finally come to pass, and he could find peace. And whiskey. He found whiskey. It was good whiskey. He smiled and looked at the stars as he sipped his whisky. All was good.

...

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And then a thermonuke hit him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why such a long post? Because it's my 500th post! And I word counted it; it's 1,139 words long.

[Silva]

All hope seemed lost, but was it?

Congratulations!

[Kidpen]

It was, because nobody wanted to read Firerust's wall of text.

[whattheHoid]

 

 

Not even Butt Venture finished the long post craftily written by Firerust as he couldn't read very well.

Stupid formatting! P.s. Firerust, congrats!!

[+Doomstick]

It was very tasty 

Edited November 10, 2018 by I am a STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Delightful]

It didnt know what it was though, aside from tasty. It had an identity crisis.

Edited November 10, 2018 by Delightful

[whattheHoid]

It couldn't tell if it was a bagel with lox or a stroopwafel.

[Kidpen]

8 hours ago, Delightful said:

It didnt know what it was though, aside from tasty. It had an identity crisis.

And here too! It seems that Delightful is trying to take over my shard life.

However, it would rather be a stroopwafel.