Robinski

Thinking of a different shop...

I don't qualify. Also, yet.

Comments. I know you said you have not edited properly but, if it's fit for me to read, it's fit for me to comment on Probably still one of my top ten movies of all time. The epitome of cornetto art. (page 1) - What a great first line. I am on board for the first page at least. I would not capitalise 'emperor' personally, because they are not named, so it's just some emperor. - Solid opening paragraph. I've got a snippet of character, enough to draw me onwards. - Again, I don't see any purpose in capitalising emperor, or emperors. The plural applies to many emperors, not any specific one. - "to the caravan" - I have an issue with the word 'caravan'. It's expressed as fitting four of them rather snuggly, but a caravan is not, historically, a single vehicle, but a line of several vehicles. This then makes me think off... (page 2) - "When we arrived at the river, the wind had picked up" - Although there is not specific description of place, I can form a working image, and not having specifics puts the focus on the characters. No bad thing in this case. - "a lowly servant" - No, I don't buy this. Surely a lowly servant would not ride in the carriage with the emperor, certainly would not have the gall to speak to the emperor, to offer an opinion, a personal observation?! I had assumed this POV character was some sort of advisor, or captain of the imperial bodyguard. - "as if it was still day one" - This is not a historical phrase. I'd say this was a modern phrase. - "I wanted to tell them" - Who is 'them' in this context? Oh, is it the foreigners? Why would foreigners be present in this situation? (page 3) - ""Watch out, your Highness!” The man accompanying him yelled." - I've noticed a couple of incomplete sentences. Clearly, the underlined section is the dialogue tag that belongs to the previous sentence, and 'the' should to be capitalised. - "caught in the wrong path" - How is the snake caught in the wrong path? I'm sure it thinks that the man is in the wrong path, and it is just going about its snaky business. It was here first, after all. - "sliced the snake in two. It flailed on the rocks and violently slithered away, leaving behind a bloody trail" - If he slices the snake in two, it is not going to slither away. It is going to be dead. - "to begin our way" - being making our way, or being our trip, or make our way, but I've never heard 'begin our way', for good reason, I think. - "dark and alluring" - The attraction of the servant for the master is clear enough, but this here is very telling. You don't nee do tell us the servant finds him alluring, that point is well made. This is heavy-handed. I'd pick another adjective: 'intensely dark', something that shows the servant notices the qualities of the eyes, without robbing the reader of the satisfaction in decoding the emotion. (page 4) - "from one uncomfortable to another" - What? Missing word, surely. One uncomfortable...what? - "Perhaps I didn’t need to" - Surely a servant knows when it is their place to speak, and this is most certainly not. I'm not convinced by the relationship, the huge presumption of the servant. - "rather anxiety inducing" - Modern phraseology. Either this servant has benefited from a considerable education (which seems unlikely) or this is out of place. - "revolt against any that dared challenge his authority" - An act of revolt is made against authority, not against someone who challenges authority. - "hope that he would keep me in his service for as long as he wished" - This does not ring right to me. If the emperor only wished this servant to serve another 5 minutes, that surely would not fulfil the servant's desire. Surely, he(?) hopes to stay in the emperor's service for as long as possible. - "Once you got through the first set of gates" - Tone: this is too much like Rough Guide to Rav, too conversational, and casual, IMO. Suggest deleting 'you got' to restore the tone of detached formality. - "It was a dim evening" - I don't know what this means. Every evening is a dim evening, at that point when they sun goes down, some time between then and it getting, well, dark. Also, which evening it is doesn't change depending when the caravan arrives, it's still the same evening either way, just later or earlier, depending on...things. - "the man who cut the snake" - So, is he a guard, a councillor? I would not expect a servant to know the man's name, necessarily, but my impression is he's a part of the court, so would he not be known to all around? (page 5) - "that rich raw umber leading into another world" - Description to date, meaningful description that would be sufficient to draw a rich tapestry for the reader to imagine, has basically been non-existent. That's okay, but this line here seems out of place, and a little half-hearted in trying to offer any richness in the setting. The set-up is kind of epic, but it reads like an outline of an epic (fantasy, but not) story, which later would be filled in with rich detail of the oaken doors, stained by the sun of five thousand summers, blasted by the rain of five thousand winter, the grain still bearing the slashes of swords and blows of axes from the rebellion of 542, yada-yada. - "Merely a few strides away more and we would be in that familiar garden" - Wrong phrasing for the context. Sorry, I'm harping on about line details, but if a sub has line issues, they are fair game, IMO (This could of course be 'merely a few strides away...from that familiar garden' - "A thunderous murmur resounded in the air" - I'd say thunder, traditionally, is a loud noise, a la 'thunderous roar'. This phrasing seems incongruous to me'. - "I felt the guard next to me grab my arm as he ran towards A" - Overwritten: 'The guard next to me grabbed my arm and dragged me towards A'. There no need to tell us a character feels something. We're in their POV. Everything that happens is something they feel or notice or hear or think. - "made up the roof of the gates" - I don't think gates have roofs. A stone arch maybe. (page 6) - "He had been minorly hit by the wreckage" - Not a word, not a proper word. If trying to evoke a historical piece, using modern parlance, and slang colloquialisms like this is going to be counterproductive. Classical, formal and correct language is the best way to evoke a historical setting, IMO. - I mean, there was lots about the previous paragraph made my teeth grate, the result of which is that it feels very uneven in terms of whether the risk is over, or still current. - "sooner than expected" - Sooner than who expected? And what relevance does this have to the situation? Cut. - "They carried him around the wreckage and deep within the fort to a room where a medical examiner could look over his injuries" - POV issue. How does the servant know this? The servant is not there once the emperor is out of sight. - "I was still on the floor sitting with my own shock" - Floor = inside, ground = outside. - "I was sorry for the unfortunate guard that lay on the cold ground; but I was thankful that His Highness had survived" - Very telling, and kind of bland. - "The guard that saved me" - I didn't get any sense of this. The description said that the guard dragged the servant towards Aj. I presumed that he was dragging them towards the emperor to help him, dragging the servant into the fray to make themselves useful. - "until her hands were bloody" - I don't believe this. - "handing his power over to the rulers in the west" - What rulers in the west? First we've heard of them. Are they related? Foreign interlopers? IMO, emperors do not just hand over power to a neighbour. (page 7) - "where the line was with loyalty" - I don't understand this. Who's loyalty to whom? What kind of line? - "“H,” she said" - I had assumed from the start that the servant was male. (page 8) - The ending is tense, a tad predictable, but no worse for that because--seeing it coming--there is still an element in the reader (I think) saying 'Oh, dear, there's been foul play here, this is bad.' And then it pays off, and I must admit I'm keen to know what happens next. Overall There are some moments of character, of people feeling things, that I enjoyed: the discomfort of the servant with the emperor's touches; the guard saving the servant (although I don't think it was clear that is what happened) and both their hands shaking. But, I really didn't care much about the situation. One emperor, another emperor: what's the different? The closest I came was at the end, with the almost tender moment between the dowager and the servant (who I assume was male for most of the sub). It has the trappings of an epic story, a political drama about the fate of nations, but the chapter itself feels small in scope, very personal, but lacking any detail about the world which is hanging in the balance. I appreciator that, in a maid's POV, such large details might not come into play, but surely when talking about western neighbour taking power, or foreigners in the court, she would think in terms of the names of these countries, and what relations were like between them and her own country? I can understand why we're in the servant's POV, to be a surviving witness, and able to go unnoticed, which can be very effective. My concern is how the servant plausibly can effect events in this story when she is less than nothing to anyone around her (effectively). I can see that this has potential, but it suffers from what 90% of submissions do, I think: insufficient stakes. Clearly there is an empire at stake, but I'm talking about personal stakes. What does the maid have at stake here? I can see no reason that she would not just be packed off home to her family, or possibly disposed of as witness. Your questions: (1) how engaged you are with the story: - I think I've covered this, but sort of engaged? A bit. My problem is if there are empires at stake, I need to feel like that. This has a kind of stage play quality, where the scenery is made of cardboard. It doesn't feel substantial to me; (2) if you would read on: - I would, mostly because of the final scene with the dowager. If not for that, probably not; (3) I am also curious to know what time period you think this is: - Could be almost anything. Okay, there was a sword; people travel in carriages; a stone arch over a gate; a palanquin. There isn't much to go on really, but the palanquin (from a quick Wiki search) seems to be in use from the 1500s (Henry VIII) through to the early 1800s. Short answer? I don't know; (4) "i do want to go back and be more detailed in my world-building descriptions": Please don't take this as a criticism of you, it's not intended as that, but this point offers the chance to raise a more general issue that has been pertinent recently in the group. If someone submits a piece that is not greatly developed beyond say first draft, or even outline draft, it's difficult to give a fair impression of how involving the story is, and it's difficult to become attached to a story, involved with the story, that is missing a component that is central to what makes a story enjoyable, involving and satisfying. I guess what I'm saying is that I would have enjoyed this a lot more, and been more receptive to it if it had had those world-building descriptions that are conspicuous by their absence. I hope you don't take that as harsh, it's not meant to be. But these details support the story and the characters, and I'm not sure I can give something a fair shake if it's only a sketch of what it could be. Want anything at the shop?

I would watch that, I suspect, or start at least. Having Ewan McGregor in it will give it a sense of heft, I think.

Honestly, I'm pretty much done with Star Wars. IMO, Disney are milking it dry and eroding the legacy of George Lucas (say what you like about prequels, etc.). Star Wars used to be an event, now it's just another, and another, and another. Marvel is heading the same way, it seems. I suppose the good thing is I can maybe go see this movie--for example--and see it as a stand alone. I did enjoy Rogue One a good deal. Quite liked Solo too, unexpectedly.

Hey, @Moshi, Nice to meet you, and welcome to the group. As someone who also has too many hobbies, I can relate. At least I manage mostly to 'ignore' the other ones while I concentrate on writing, although they can cross over, such as when I get a chance to write a song in the context of my writing. You will find others on here who 'art' (like @Snakenaps and @karamel for two), so there is plenty to talk about, apart from writing. For what it's worth, I don't think you are 'very bad' at English at all!! I wish my Spanish was that good. My second language is French (from school, and maaaany visits to Paris), but my cousins live/lived in Spain, and my uncle worked there for decades, so I have been there some too, but really only can order four beers, ask for the time, and ask ?Hablas inglés? I am sure, when we get a chance to read your stuff, we will remember that you are writing in your second language and not give you a hard time over grammar, etc. (Although of course if you were going to publish, a good, solid grammar edit would be necessary, as it is for everyone.) I look forward to reading your stuff at some point

Not at all, I'm sure we all like the attention Yes. I would go for that 100%. I'm sure WE have said more than once that, in the same way that the best POV is the one with the most at stake in any scene, the story is better to start with a scene in which the story actually starts. Usually, I think it's fair to say, drafts tend to start too early, and it's a matter of cutting slack stuff to get to the plot, but I think you make a good point here, I would value seeing the dynamic between the different races before it all goes to heck, so that the change is more jarring, and investing. Oh, is it a long time ago? My impression was around a month or three? There are ways to skip time, with montage-type paragraphs and such. That's a thing that can be overcome by doing clever writer stuff, I feel. Things like this are why we get paid the 'big bucks' , figuratively speaking, obvs. Solid point. I mean, apart from anything else, you might want to change the title if the story is not about 'plague'. I think the way to tackle the concern is to cut, and cut hard into those chapters spent on the station. Easy for me to say, and I'm not saying don't writer those chapters, but.. I'd say write/edit them then try an exercise of cutting each pre-ship chapter down to a (long) paragraph. It might have a different feel, but I will get you to the ship sooner. It might not be that easy, but it would focus on what's important and what's not in those early scenes.

Yippee That's a really strong strategy, IMO, otherwise I think he would tend to dominate S, like not in an overt way, just with his large personality. I hope you got that that was tongue in cheek. When I read whiskey here, my brain goes straights to memories of Dublin WorldCon, which is nice

Comments. (page 1) Chapter 30 - "little sea trunk" - It seems to me that eight weeks' supplies would be way too much to fit in a 'little' trunk. Can't you just say trunk and the reader can apply an appropriate size in their imagination? (page 2) - "hiding her from view" - Whose view? This seems almost like a POV issue to me. (page 3) - "She turned the corner towards P’s XXXX," - missing word. (page 5) - "such a small strike of affection meant nothing." - What is a strike of affection? Odd word, sounds counterintuitive. Strike = bad, affection = good. - "asking sections leaders for reports" - typo. - "covered in lightly with dust" - typo. - "stating his status" - UGH. - "Ir spent the hours walking with J" - Nope. The last reference to him she was sick at the thought of sitting next to him. There's no transition from discomfort back to her being comfortable around him. (page 6) - "right her in her trunk" - typo. (page 7) - "She gratefully took it" - Split infinitive. Sometimes, these sounds okay, occasionally, but often they sound horribly clunky. Infinitives were not designed to be split. For comparison, (1) Gratefully, she took it; (2) She took it gratefully. I think (2) is best, but both sound better than the original, because the infinitive is maintained intact. I think (2) sounds best because, in terms of primacy and recency, it leaves the reader with the word 'gratefully', with is the most interesting and important word in the sentence. - "You opened you trunk" - typo. (page 8) - Since when does J say 'Yeah'? This makes him sound like as teenager, and it affects the mood of the scene, which is very important. Also not keen on Ir saying 'Hey, J'. Same effect, doesn't sound right to me, or appropriate to the moment. - "He stared at view" - missing word. (page 9) - Okay, I don't like J's lack of reaction to what she's saying, and, I also think the balance of the scene, of the romantic progression is off. All she did was kiss him on the cheek. I know it was freighted with more significance because of the context in which the kiss occurred, but still, he might have interpreted it as nothing more than friendly. As I say, because of the context, I think his is just as likely to interpret it as more then just friendly affection. In which case, I don't think he would be so silent here, letting Ir twist uncomfortably as he makes her do all the work while he says nothing. I think he should kiss her in this scene before they start all this talking about this is doomed to fail. 'This' is not a thing yet until he acknowledges it, and returns her affection (i.e. with the proposed kiss). THEN they can start talking about where it's going. - 'scooting' is not a romantic word. This is a romantic moment and deserves a better word, like 'moved closer', even, or 'shifted closer'. Really, these are just neutral words, but 'scooted' is not neutral. - "He bonked her softly on the head" - Seriously? I mean, not to even to for the point about 'bonk' being a euphemism for the act of love, 'bonk' is a horrible word in this situation totally breaks the mood of the scene. This is not her joshing around with Net. You're trying to sell the romance to the reader. Need more sympathetic word choices in this scene. (page 10) - "as he reach up" - typo. - "weaving it through her hair and pulling her closer" - I think it needs to be clear that his hand is at the back of her neck, otherwise this line could be read as him pulling her by the hair. - Okay, this first kiss is good too, and the dialogue that goes with it is suitably sweet and romantic. I maintain my point that something is needed from him before they can have a conversation about there 'it' is going. So, I suggest that he kisses her on the cheek , back before they get into talking about the future of their relationship. - Nice end to the chapter, and a nice chapter, to mingle new romance wit leaving home gives plenty of feels. I don't mind that there is no real arc. I like a travel chapter, and leaving the city for the first time deserves to be acknowledged. Chapter 31 - "something addicting" - addictive. (page 11) - "the man she was more often with than not" - Awkward and confusing. Simplicity is best. - "before kissing her knuckles" - Seriously, romantic word choice would be so much more effective. 'kissing her hand' here, for example. - "had she ben missing" - typo. - "had its trade offs" - trade-offs: needs a hyphen, it's a compound noun. (page 12) - "were at the forefront of every attack" - But those attacks will not all be in Bo, will they? These messengers must have come from all over the continent. (page 13) - Very effective description of the winery. I enjoyed that. (page 14) - "illusioned to be the flight of mundane birds" - great line. - "continuing their use glamours and illusions" - typo: delete, IMO. (page 15) - "throne long enough to be worth investing in" - This does not seem like a bad idea to me. More honest than many politicians, I suspect. - "that she bit her lip when" - Good detail, I like that he notices such things. Suggests to me that he's good at playing the game of politics. Show's him being capable. - "That this entire trip had only been for one" - This is a great line, and it's top class subterfuge that he goes to this length to disguise the fact the he is only looking one name. Well done on that. My problem is, for this to be effective, whoever is watching needs to be aware of him getting all these names. There is not point in him going to all this trouble to hide the fact from Ir, because she's not playing the spying game. So, who is the disguise for? That confuses me, and undermines his strategy, I think. We need to know for whose benefit his strategy is being played. Overall A fair amount of the second chapter is travelogue too, but I'm content that it is moving us forward, and it's good to see the BK in action, and how this links together with W's manoeuvring. I'm hoping that W's POV is still there, and that we get to see something of that change that we discussed previously. I enjoyed this. It continues to get better, IMO.

Happy Hanukkah to yous.

Hmm, I see your point. Suitably admonished, I slink back to the shadows.

Thank so much fo reading, Silk. Good comments throughout, and plenty to think about, but very focused, which is super useful. I will pick up the two poems sometime down the road, but I definitely intend to record what I've retitled 'The Author', as it matches the original syllabolically, of course. I'm now on version three or four of the lyrics, so some of those points have been addressed, but others not, and I will look at those. I've got my Garageband up and running, and mic set up. Just practicing, but I will defo record when I get the house to myself next time. (I don't like playing / recording with other folks around ).

Now then, I drafted that carefully so that the subclass specifically follows 'musos'. Specifically!!

Oh, the twig thing. Yeah, not having read Stormlight Archive, I've never gotten that. But I know it's a thing. I guess it's the same line/thing as 'stick'.

What is that, a black cheerio?

Where's the 'wipes cold sweat from brow' emoji on here?

Okay, (page 8) Chapter 11 - "doing something on a tablet" - How does she know what a tablet is? - "At the foot of her bunk" - I think it's way to soon for 'her' to be feeling like this is her room (previous chapter) and her bunk. It's a strange bunk in a strange room on a strange ship. People don't feel ownership of things until they have spent some time with them. You may think this is a trivial detail, but this is the level of thought that is needed on the details of writing for it to be good, IMO. - "some metal armor like the yellow one" - Can't refer to some armour as 'one'. A suit of armour, yes. (page 9) - "She wore a black cloak" - Not a new paragraph, this is part of the same description of Ser. - "Great. You’re awake. How do you feel?" - The repetition is really clunky. - "He noticed she was awake" - This is the third time her being awake is mentioned. Snip, snip. Cut, cut. - "She stared at him, unsure of what to say..." - It's pretty frustrating as a reader, to be honest. This paragraph is excellent, I really feel her disorientation. This is the payoff of the last 8.5 pages of not knowing her name, and a I really feel her dislocation, her lack of identity. It's well done. My frustration comes from how uneven the writing is. So much of the rest is not as involving or engaging as this paragraph. (page 10) - "sniffed her arm and recoiled" - How long as T been on the planet and never noticed this? Seems unlikely, suddenly, now. - "I’ll get you a new pair of clothes to wear" - Seriously, where in the world do clothes come in pairs? Not a thing. (page 11) - "How did they stand showering in such cold temperatures?" - Does T know what a shower is? - "Sorry, probably should’ve explained better" - There is more human kindness and empathy in this line than in the previous ten chapters. That is one of the large turn-offs for me in those early chapters. I'm not saying don't write villains, but the reader needs something to empathise with at the start of a book, and most readers are not villains. - "so many pairs of these?" - Pairs of what? Shoes? Not very warm. Trousers? Going to make the wearer prone to chest colds. Really. How do you picture these pairs of clothes? - "She wore the clothes" - But people don't just wear clothes. They have to put them on first. - "walked over to a hologram table" - How does T know what a hologram table is? - "how do I know what a hologram is now?" - Hallelujah. She needs to have this thought much earlier, so that the reader can assimilate this way of learning that she has. (page 12) - "Now, you know Nick from the meeting" - There were about six to eight people in that meeting, were there not? That was my image of it, from the description. - “Why are you trying to bring them down? What have they done?” - This here chapter, or rather Chapter 10 and this one should be your first chapters. A lot of readers will not get this far, because they don't know what the heck is going on. This is the explanation that people need way up front in the book to put all the stuff that happens in Chapters 1 to 9 into context. This is the context. (page 13) - "I was going to." - The flow of the dialogue: interruption, explanation, sarcasm, apology, doesn't make sense. His reaction/sniping is way over the top for a simple request for explanation. - "take her back to W" - I agree with an earlier comment that T has basically no agency in this chapter, but I can live with that, because we're learning about her situation. As a rule, though, it's not sustainable for a long time. We need the character we are following to by acting positively, making choices. - "isn’t much of a preacher" - There was not preaching involved. This is what I was talking about best writing earlier. To much of the narrative or dialogue doesn't follow, doesn't wring true, isn't logical, or engaging. (page 14) - "where you ate the galaxies dead?" - For the most part, the grammar is pretty fair, which is not to say the writing is stylish or entertaining, but I've read a lot worse on here. This, however, is a possessive, so it's galaxy's dead. - I like T questioning where she will go from here. This is a real opportunity to shape character motivation for the rest of the story. Important. - "What will revenge get me?" - Oh, this is a great line. What a big question. Deserves to be properly explored. - "There are five Sources" - I did not mind the earlier explanation, because it was part of her learning. To do it twice in the same chapter feels clunky. Having said that..."Hosts are people like you" - we so needed this explanation earlier in the book, way earlier. (page 15) - "How does the kid of a god end up there?" - I like that she's asking questions, that she inquisitive. Such an important fact in a POV character. (page 16) - The ending feels disjointed to me, that last few lines, but I can see where you're going with it. Creating that shocking image of her eating a corpse (she's not going to eat the whole corpse - I would replace the image with her chewing on someone's leg, or something like that). I think it's just the phrasing that isn't working, not the idea. Overall A lot of this chapter is exposition. I thought the first bit worked okay, but by the second bit I had had enough. I appreciate being give the information, but needed it way earlier in the story. I think the chapters with the nasty people in them would land better if we know this stuff first. I mean, there are still huge issues with those chapters, and they very easily can be cut down into one chapter for each POV, but having the context for them is so important, IMO.

Hello, @Lecky Twig. Glad to have you onboard. I'd by happy to read some short stories,. We seem to be getting pretty much exclusively novels through at the moment, so that change of format alone would be refreshing. This does give me the shivers, I have to say. I presume you would read through them before subbing them here?

Thank you, @Sarah B!! I thought this is implausible, so I'm glad you feel the same with your healthcare expertise. What do you think about the suggestion that giving the syringe an SF name would solve pretty much any issue with this?

In a strangely prescient example of exactly what I was talking about above, 17th Shard page totally crashed in by browser, closed the window, reloaded and all my text was still there. Phew!

Heya, just starting now. Realistically, it will be tomorrow (it's 9pm, and I have no stamina anymore), but I will tag you, as requested. Okay, I need to do a reset here. A lot of water has passed under the bridge on this, and I'm going to try and block all that out and approach it with a clean slate. Me being influenced by my negative impressions of earlier parts is probably not the more constructive basis to go into this latest sub. So, deep breaths; cleanse the critical palette; every day is Christmas Eve. (page 1) Chapter 10 - First line, first paragraph: impactful, interesting. The first line seems like everything is perfect, but then it's immediately obvious that is far from the case. This character's voice is engaging; she's in a hard place; she's experiencing conflict. This is all good for the story, and reader engagement, I think. - "its presence weighing on her everywhere she looked" - See, this is good. The reader likes to see a character suffer, struggle, and then triumph against adversity, generally speaking. - "She dropped the rock and ran toward it" - (a) plural / singular disagreement: she's running towards explosions, plural. So, not 'it'; (b) I was a bit surprised that she's able to run towards the explosion. I presumed she was a slave and, if not actually chained to the rock, would be supervised by guards who would keep her under control. I'm rolling with it for now. (That's a rock joke, btw.) - Hang on, are there orange people and golden people? I'm not quite clear on that. Orange and gold are not the same thing, so much be two groups, I'm thinking . (page 2) - "This was her chance" - I like the repetition of the same phrase that starts the paragraph. I found that effective. - "too focused on the group behind her" - I'm not clear on what the group behind her is. Maybe I got turned around. I picture the ship ahead of her, landing between her and the group that is a mix of humans and 'other species'. If that's the case, I don't know what the group behind her is. I get that the guards are flying around but were there none close to her? I think there would be more impact of her potential escape if there was a guard close to her, and maybe they hit her with a pole or some such before getting called away to the explosion. - "She made it to the ship" - Okay, this was too easy for me. What is the terrain like? Is it not rocky ground that is difficult to hurry across, and she is fearful that someone will spot her, catch her before she can reach the ship? Maybe she stumbles. Maybe someone shouts, and she ducks, but it's not her they are shouting at. Need something to raise the stakes a bit more, IMO. - "the group running toward the ship" - I'm not quite clear one this group. The description of them is a bit sparse, just 'the group'. I don't need to know their names or their motives, but a bit more details would engage me with them better. - Why is 'human' capitalised? - "resting his head on his hand" - I struggle to picture this, sounds really awkward. He's standing, holding a rifle, but has his head in his hand? - "with miniscule blonde hair" - What is minuscule hair? Is it like a buzz cut? I think there are better ways to describe that. (page 3) - "The Human next to him" - Who is 'him' in this sentence. I was expecting this would be the guy standing next to 'her' with the gun, but I guess it's the guy who shouted 'Carol'. For me, enough lines have passed that I've lost that frame of reference, hence my confusion. - "The Human helped her up" - Which human? I've lost the thread of who is who. I would think that she would attribute different physical characteristics to the people, so that she can distinguish them, and that would get passed on to the reader. We know there's one guy with a buzz cut. A bigger issue, I think is that there are non-human species in this group, right? Would they not stand out to her, and would the reader not get some description of them? - "electronics filling the room" - This is not a useful description, IMO. This could mean motherboards riveted to the wall, flat screens, control panels, big rheostat nobs, anything. - "Boron slaves" - This rings weird to me. Is there a reason the slaves are named after the fifth element (you heard me) in the periodic table? It's distracting, when a name has a powerful association with something else, something practically everyday, certainly to anyone who's done chemistry at school/college/uni/whatever. It sounds to me like saying, 'How many Silicon slaves did we free?' I'd suggest having a name that doesn't mean anything else, that way, no one can be tripped up by it. - "Everyone focused on her" - This evening, my writing group here in Glasgow (the Glasgow Science Fiction Writers' Circle, former members including Amal El-Mohtar and Gary Gibson. I mean, I can dream, right?) were lucky enough to have an agent called John Jarrold do a Q&A with us. John (when a publisher) bought Ken MacLeod's first novel (Star Fraction), he was David Gemmell's editor, and agent and friend to Iain M. Banks for many years (until his death). Not just name dropping, I'm showing that John knows what he's talking about. He has 40 authors signed to him at present. (There is a point to this, bear with me.) John offered much useful advice, however the nugget I want to apply here is this one: "Every word has to be your best writing", and, "you must engage the reader at all times". Okay, the two nuggets I want to apply here... Okay, moving on from bad Monty Python paraphrasing, I think there are a lot of instances were the word choice doesn't work hard enough. I know we're in early drafts here (What draft is this, incidentally?) Here, 'focused' doesn't convey anything about their mood, they manner. Did they turn on her, glowering? Did they glance at her, hesitantly? No doubt it's actually a mix, but 'focused' doesn't show any movement, or any demeanour of the people, IMO. This chimes well with something that the Writing Excuses crew say quite often, every sentence, paragraph, etc. needs to perform multiple functions. It's the same idea. Everything has to be as good as it can be, and I think we need to learn to strive for that from our first draft, and in every draft. - "Another orphan..." - This is a pretty good example. I think there is quite a bit in this last paragraph on the page. It's simply phrased, delivered straight, but there is quite a bit of thought-provoking stuff in there. (page 4) - "She tried following what they said with no luck" - Since we're own her POV, how can we see what the humans are saying? This seems like a POV crash to me. I mean, I suppose there is an argument to say that she can hear all the same sounds as I'm reading, just not understand what they mean, whereas I know the code. That's an interesting idea. I think you would need to be really clear from the outset about everything that she cannot understand. Put it in a different font, maybe, or highlight in some way, with italics, or all CAPS, or something. - "she tried to speak to prove him wrong" - Okay, I got that wrong. She can understand all that's said? This needs cleared up. But if you did GO ALL CAPS FOR THE BITS SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND, it would be crystal clear on the page. It just still feels like either a POV cheat, or the line "She tried following what they said with no luck" needs revision. (page 5) - "she saw he held a syringe" - How does she know what a syringe is? - "shoved it into her arm" - Have you ever had blood taken? This is likely to be ineffective, either because they won't get a decent sample, or the sample will not be great for testing. There correct location of a suitable vein, applying a cinch to bring the vein to the surface, potentially pumping of the fist to raise the vein, careful in section of the needle into the vein, after cleaning the site first, to avoid any chance of infection, etc. Details on things like this is a great way to get reader buy-in, but can be a quick way to lose it. - "she knows how to talk" - I'm not sure I see how you could learn how to talk be reading someone's mind. Surely you would need to practice, to speak and use the skill until you knew how it worked. No way did she just speak for the first time now. The newborn analogy is interesting. Walking I get how she could learn that without any encouragement or teaching, since she could see how human and bipeds around her in the slave camps did it, but I still think she would need to converse with people to be able to speak. - "who she now decided seemed to be the leader of the group" - mentioned this before, but direct phrasing is so much more engaging and easier to read than uncertainty, indecision and vagueness. This line can quite easily be 'who clearly was the leader'. We can see the she decides it, because we're in her POV and she has the thought right there on the page. You don't need to say things like 'she thought', 'she decided', these things are transparently obvious. This goes back to the everything being the best writing, and every word doing work, which many of these in the example don't. ' "She is a liability to the group" - I hope I'm going to get an explanation of why on the next page. (page 6) - "There’s a reason. She’s special." - As reveals go, this is clunky, IMO. The dialogue could be snappier here. I feel like it lack style, and needs to be better at showing the different characters of the speakers. - "Really? A TH?” Jeff asked, astonished" - Telling us he's astonished, is not as effective as showing us, which you can do with characterful moments: '"Really? A TH?” Jeff's eye's bulged a little, and his eyebrows went north.' - by way of example. - "M and, therefore, P" - So, M and P are people? It's not clear, IMO, whether these are characters or magical traits, or superpowers. - "She wasn’t Human" - Again, why is human capitalised. There's no indication that a Human is any different from a human. (page 7) - "Not only is she the key to getting H, but she also has P" - How is she the former, and I really need some kind of explanation of the special abilities. Maybe that was present in the earlier chapters and I don't remember it, but I feel the lack of it now. - "And I’ll make sure Pre hears of this so he" - It's confusing to have some people called things like Pre, and some abilities called things like Pot. How does the reader know when they are speaking about a person or an ability? Okay, there is context, but the reader's understanding is disrupted each time one these terms comes up. - "a new pair of clothes" - 'find her new clothes' - Clothes don't come in pairs. - "“Wear these for now.” She wore the clothes" - Style is important. This is really dull. I would delete this bit, because you then describe how the clothes feel to her, so we know she put them on. it's like saying "Put on these clothes." She put the clothes on." It's direct repetition of the previous line of dialogue, but it doesn't seem to work as a stress, just a repetition. Narrative should be more vibrant, IMO, which is why cutting an going straight to how the clothes feel is more interesting. (page 8) - "injected the liquid inside of her" - into her. Inside is a state of rest: being inside. Whereas into is an action, and change of state. Also, there is way more to syringe work than a newbie being able to do it right first time. I would be happier if there was a technological answer to this. Let's say it was a nano-syringe, then I would assume it was a fancy tech-y thing that wasn't 't complicated and involved like a syringe these days. I'm going to post this up, since I don't want to risk losing it in a Safari accident. (It's happened before, although I do cut-and-paste my text out from time to time, although this forum engine has a pretty good recovery mode.) Chapter 10 overall Honestly, I think this is better than anything I've read before in this novel. The people are a bit bland compared to some of the other characters, but then the other characters for the most part are jerks (from what I've read to date), so that makes there guys much more relatable. Other plus points in this chapter: there is something of a mystery in terms of 'her' abilities, and the Ch Squad working out what's going on with her. It's a bit easy, but I' prepared to believe they have the tech to do it. The MC is relatable, she experiences conflict, is freed from slavery. These things are compelling. Look, it's no masterpiece; I think the narrative lacks style and voice, which are really important, but those things can be worked on in later drafts. Getting the story down in early drafts is the key thing, IMO. Style, attitude, voice, character, can be built on through edits. I really think if this had been your first submission the theme of the feedback would have been quite different, and I'm really interested to read what the others think. I will come back and read Chapter 11 directly.

You're very welcome. That's what we do

Okay, But I would not call that short tail. When I hear short ponytail, I'm thinking more like this... Which it seems to me would not work well with curly hair? Well, I would not say the tail in your picture is short, and I'm kind of 50/50 on it being neat, not that it doesn't look good, but it's really more letting it hang out, it seems to me. I breathe on mine, and rub them (gently) with the hem of my T-shirt. My wife uses glasses cleaning solution and a tissue. I mean, it's just my opinion. I'll be interested to hear what the others think. I won't say any more than that, but if I was a betting chap, I know where I'd put my money. I think it comes back to what I think you are now seeing, in the people in the desert, they joke around, but they don't seem invested in their own situation, their internal monologue is not as convincing to me, and the banter felt a bit forced, in a way that these chapters did not. I didn't really know what the dessert people were trying to achieve, or why. I didn't get any real sense of what they believed in, or a sense of tension / conflict, etc.

Heya, I stopped reading previously because of pressure of like and the struggles that I was having getting engaged with the character and the story. But, I'm glad to come back and see what's what. Also, interesting to read your comments in the email (Don't worry about email length, say what you need/want to say!) about seeing the issues and how you might tackle them Chapter 10 (page 1) - "Just what she lived for" - I find this a bit contradictory with the opening line about her 'hating' waking up. It undermines her motivation, I think. Essentially, Ce is an engineer, or maybe a designer. Clearly, she is very committed to and invested in her task, the creation of this armour. As a result, (and as a fellow engineer, I empathise with her commitment to the project) I would expect her to hate going to sleep, but to love waking ups, because she can get back to her project, bright-eyed and alert. - "several stories storeys above the main floor" - "like small fishes" - good image. (page 2) - "told you to do" - Huh, I thought Ce was leading the project. Slightly surprised by this. - I like the banter between the sisters. The dialogue is completely convincing, IMO. I like the pacing too. I'm skipping along through the scene, and would be reading at a good pace if not stopping to critique. - "it was the reason she had stopped" - Stopped what? - "She dismissed her protests on that point, however. She’d talk to her sister later" - Oh, good grief, not you too. I commented on this in AW's sub, I think. IMO, using generic pronouns in the same sentence for different people is awkward, and unclear. I think that when one changes character, clarification is required for the reader to be clear on who is being referred to. Okay, there may be instances when this doesn't follow, but I think that's the exception, not the 'rule'. Take the second sentence here. With the addition of the word 'sister', everything is clear, and flows more smoothly, IMO. - "We’re very close to the all-clear, sir" - Sir?! You're going to have to talk me through that one. De is female, right? - "Bug---s" - I remember this from before. The names--the surnames specifically--are...odd. I'm reading a story about armour and engineering and presumably battle or combat of some sort but the surnames are straight out of Beatrix Potter. (page 3) - "trying to banish thoughts from her mind" - This is weird. There's no background or basis for this thought provided,. I hope it's going to be justified or explained, because if not I'm either going to get frustrated, or I'm going to end up forgetting about it. - "He had kind of been asking asked for that one" - There is good advice from various sources that vagueness and/or uncertainty are not compelling or engaging to the reader. Again, there are exceptions to any guidance, but this doesn't look like one of them to me. Is there are reason Ce need to be noncommittal here, really? - "Mostly from the male engineers" - What is this supposed to imply? I don't understand. Am I to read this as leering? I don't get it. - "which grew out in tight, black curls—in a short, neat tail" - Confused: how do you get a ponytail from short, curly hair? - "ran her fingers through her hair" - Contradiction, and maybe it's legit. But, she's just explained that she doesn't care about her appearance, and doesn't want men looking at her. Then, she's sliding her fingers through her hair, presumably because she's unhappy with her appearance. I'm happy to read this as it sounds, i.e. she's lying to herself, but when critiquing, I'm never sure if it's unintended by the author, so, I err on the side of complaining - "Em is introduced" - I need more context. Where is Em? Are they in one of the sets of armour? Are they an engineer with a clipboard? - "Em flinched, hunkering their head down and raising their arms" - This reads like a POV shift to me. - "dark gray suit of armor over fifteen feet tall" - That doesn't seem like a suit of armour to me, but more like a jaeger. - "hurled it across the room" - I've been picturing them in some sort of courtyard, i.e. open to the sky, like a compound. Not sure why. (page 4) - "She allowed herself to be taken away" - Okay, I have an issue here. I feel like I'm being dragged away from the action, which isn't a good feeling. I'm sticking with it, but I hope that's not how it plays out. (page 5) - "SOULS,” The automaton began" - I feel like every second sub I have to mention this. Inappropriate capitalisation. This his part of the same sentence, as evinced by the comma, so, 'the'. - "The words disturbed her., but What did they even mean?" - Run-on sentence, IMO. (page 6) - The description of GR is quite tell-ing. Sounds a bit hooky to me. A quite enjoyed his description, which puts me in mind of some of the outlandish costumes conjured up by Jack Vance in his work. - I'm enjoying the arc of the chapter. We get close to a relation then some bigwig comes in and 'stamps it out'. Hmm, suspicious - "Check the…financial department. I…think" - This is weird to me. The automaton is speaking all clipped and Hulk-like, which is in keeping with the way it's presented. Then, suddenly, it starts speaking like a normal person. That doesn't scan well for me. - "Become Silent" - Feels over-written. Why does he not just say 'Silence!' It's more commanding and seems appropriate to the situation, and Gal's character. - "He began to talk to them" - He talked to them already. Odd phrasing: not clear. - "Em said something loud" - Same: odd phrasing. What did she say? Something she didn't mean to say out loud? Or, did she raise her voice? The phrasing here is too simplistic, to the point of being unclear. (page 7) - "black bangs and large lips" - I...what? This is weird. IMO, you can't just say 'large lips'. Are the full, pouting lips, does she have a broad mouth. Much more clarity required. - "she jumped up at least a foot into the air" - I want you to stand up and do this, and then consider where it's a reasonably thing for her to do at this point. I'm interested to hear you conclusion. - "rubbed them on the front of her uniform" - That's no way to treat glasses, and will not be at all effective in cleaning them. Do you wear glasses? Speak to someone who does. They are fragile, and expensive!!! - LOL, I applaud you for ending a chapter on 'Yeah,' which really should not work, I think, but does because of the line before it , of course. The reader can read emotion, empathy and sisterly bond into those lines. Nice job. (page 8) Chapter 12 I presume there is another chapter in some other POV in between these? - Again, I'm totally convinced by the sisterly relationship. - "there was a pair of scissors in there" - I'm not clear on this urge of Ce's to hurt people. I'm not convinced by it, it seems a bit selective. She has these occasional thoughts, but she ran towards the device/creature, and she seemed to care for Me, seems to care for De. (page 9) - "There was a surprising amount of people" - number of people: they are individuals. Surprising amount of water; surprising number of people. - "Its words followed her around like buzzing insects" - MAIN POINT: This is my big takeaway from this POV. This is miles ahead of the earlier chapters you submitted, IMO, but leans closer to the Prologue, the first thing that you subbed. The character voice in this submission is marvellously clear. It's engaging, interesting and completely believable, IMO. The scenes in the desert, they really cannot match this. The character voices were indistinct, kind of nondescript if I'm honest. They were not compelling, any of them, not for me. I could read a whole novel in Ce's POV, no problem at all. The older lady in the prologue: very strong internal voice, I thought, and quite engaging, interesting. The people in the desert, it's so crystal clear, the distinction between these voices, I think. (page 10) - "the founder of Keep" - I'm not really following this religious talk. There are a lot of names and phrases being thrown around, and I can't really latch on to any of them, because there are so many, and they all seem to intermingle, and I don't really get a chance to fix on anything. However, it does not feel like telling, it doesn't feel like info-dumping to me, it sounds like a real conversation, but between two people who know what they're talking about, know the reference points, when I don't. (page 11) - "I don’t make fun of Void" - How does Void relate to Mon? How do either relate to Keep ism? I just don't understand, and nothing in this section says to me that any of this matters to the story, so I'm really just skimming here. You mentioned that religions intrigued you, that's all well and good, but does any of this matter to the story? It's a decent hook that one sister believe one thing and the other doesn't, but unless any of this matters to the story, it seems like little more than window-dressing. - " A dagger plunged into Ce’s heart" - I don't understand her reaction, because I haven't absorbed her belief system, I suppose. (page 12) - I thought the ending with her putting her face in her hands was quite effective. I see there is a plan for a bit more on this scene but, honestly, I'd be happy enough if the scene ended there. Then again, I don't know how the continuation will be, so this comment is neither her not there, I suppose. Overall - I think my main response to this sub is in my main point above. I thought this was pretty good, and much more engaging than what has gone before in the desert. Thank for sharing

Well, okay then. Here we go. (page 1) - I have an awful memory for details, so expect me to forget things that other people remember. - I don't remember who Sal is. Should I? - "Yesterday it had exploded" - POW. Great line. Not even so much the explosion, but it taking the whole system with it: ouch! - Ohhhhh, I remember who Sal is, because you just told me, but with that reminder came various fragments of memories or earlier stuff. Them being imprisoned together, right? Her and Y? By the Ng, right? One of my favourite threads. (page 2) - "space edition" - LOL. - Not doing LBLs. There are things I would comment on, but I'm not doing that at present. - "perpetual smell" - This doesn't mean bad. I'm not sure what it means. Unclear. - "clicked her tongue twice" - I don't remember this. She doesn't speak? I thought she did. (page 3) - "stuffed with parsley" - Okay, cooking objection. I don't think you would stuff a leg with just parsley. That would not work very well practically, I think. I think it would be more likely to be parsley mousse, for example. Often, using leg meat, a ballotine would be a more practical approach, as the leg isn't really hollow, unless deboned, I suppose, which seems like a lot of work. (I'm knee-deep in Masterchef: The Professionals, and haven't missed a series for 10 years. I like my cheffing!). - "inability to speak" - yeah, okay, I sort of remember this now. She did try to speak before, didn't see? And managed some rudimentary noises? Maybe I'm conflating this with something else. - "salamander-tinged parsley" - Eh? But the salamander is the main ingredient, so this is back-to-front. And the word 'tinged' has no place in cooking. (page 4) - "PR-----IANS" - That's really awkward. - "I DO KNOW THAT E’S REACH...WOULD NOT HAVE REACHED" - Awkward repeated word use. - I don't remember who MP is. - This page, the message and Sal's reaction in thought is pretty heavily info-dumpy. Gets rather dry after a few lines. I mean, it's interesting, but I can't help feeling that--when characters do this--their voices start to sound the same. (page 5) - "her girlfriend At" - again, this feels really tell-y, and sells Ne waaaaay short. - "Now, three years later" - Massively recappy, in a really 'Previously, on Ard...' way. - Nicholas and me (page 6) - "I don’t want another adventure" - Good line. I like Sal's voice, and I like her plight. I hope her POB is going to continue through this book. Unlike Y, I feel like she has personal stakes. Unlike, Ne/At, she is dealing with issues on a personal level, not on a solar systems level, which in many ways is more compelling. - "easily four times the size of the D and eight times as tall" - The size includes the height. The size takes in all three dimensions. Oh, and love the name of the ship. Very much evocative of Ringworld/Known Space ship names, which I always enjoyed. - "and planted trees from dozens of worlds, and a few sickly-looking birds busy aiming their excrement on at every alien head" - I'm enjoying this enough that the LBLs are getting quite frustrating. Good sign! I know, I know, Draft 0, but still, (a) what else would the trees be? Not necessary; (b) definitely aim 'at' something, although you could 'draw a bead on' a target. (page 7) - "His skin was a dark umber brown, thick and non-translucent" - His skin was thick? This is usually a metaphor for not being sensitive--as I know you know--but used here in a physical description, it's just odd. I understand that there is context here, and that Ard's skin is translucent, and I guess that's her perspective, but it's heard to pick that up from what we've read already. Not sure a new read would pick up the translucence before now. - "Sal didn’t really understand the difference between those and the beige ones, but did admit, they fit a lot better" - Ergo, she does see the difference. (page 8) - "but I think I do want this" - Yup, this is satisfying to me. Happy to follow Sal on her journey and read her as a main POV. It seems to me that the flip-side of that--oh, all right, the corollary--is that we do not need any Y POVs in this story. I think that would detract from Sal's POV, him being rather overbearing; brash; alpha male etc. - This puddle thing, I don't know how to picture that. I vaguely remember something about this when Y was buying a ship, or components, I think in Book 4(?), and him dealing with such a creature, but I think I need more explanation of this. And if I need more explanation, you can bet a new reader will not pick up how to picture a puddle as a sentient being. - "went off in search of a puddle to place an order" - This is hugely regressive. Is it not table service, is there not some kind of automated ordering system? - "pointed at his feet again, then pointed to the ceiling" - I don't get it. "Do you know how to fly?" - Okay, maybe they have this shorthand all worked out, but I don't see any way that, pointing at feet then the ceiling says, 'I want to go on a mission in the ship.' (page 9) - "Sal gave him a scrunched-nosed smile" - I like this. I like seeing emotion from her, and I hope to see her a Y getting lovey dovey. I don't mean a sex scene, I mean affection/love. I say that because I remember some of the pretty horrific scenes from their meeting and escape. I think a recap, not in detail, but to give the emotional flavour of the time, would be very beneficial to the new reader. Otherwise, they will not be as invested in Y/Sal as previous readers are, IMO, and that would be a shame. - "When you find our puddle, double my whiskey order. We need to start stockpiling again" - (a) I'd say something like 'Make my whiskey a triple; (b) I think there's a mixed message here. I sounds exactly like he has ordered a glass of whiskey to drink, not ordering a bottle, as from a shop, to take onto the ship. This is restaurant, not a shop, right?; (c) as a Scotsman, I continue to resent the use of 'whiskey' in these stories, and not 'whisky'. Overall - Very good. By the end, I felt right at home. I wouldn't mind same better, more colourful and engaging description, but I like the emotional weight of being in Sal's POV. I like her voice, and would be happy to follow her as a main thread of the book, I believe that is s promise that has just been made to me, so I will be unhappy if that is not the case. - Good job. Nothing major. Starting a new book with a fresh POV and different character imperatives is an excellent plan, IMO.