Robinski

I also have no idea what Space Ghost it, because that's because I'm on the other side of it, age-wise. Too old to know it

Hey, and welcome again to RE, @Aspiring Writer. it is always really exciting to read a new voice, so without further ado, jumping right in (page 1) Prologue - A prologue. Yippy-skippy! (Mind you don't slip on that sarcasm. I think I spilled some of the metaphorical floor .) It's just...prologues. Half the time they are not prologues, and 49% of the time--it seems to me--they are 'complex and unnecessary' - The repetition of the word 'repeated' is awkward. - There is certainly a strong narrative voice in the first few lines, but by the time I get to 'happy', I'm thinking...So what? This is my life too. There isn't anything remarkable here, nothing surprising or engaging that has snagged my attention to pull me through the first page, let alone through an entire novel. This is the moment of truth: the next line. - Phew!! I really do think if I was reading this in a book shop, I might have put it down and moved on depending on that next line, but you introduced the split vision at this point, and that's caught my attention Nice timing. - The prose is a little in need of refining, I think (What draft is this?), but I'm engaged now. I'm intrigued to know what is happening. - I don't quite understand why she can't see what she's eating. Is this like a split screen, this visual 'impairment'? - "How did she know that?" - Confused: how did she not know that? (page 2) - "or some other dead mass" - Well, what other dead mass? Is it not orange? Not humanoid? This feels like a slight POV cheat, as everything else has been clearly described. - Drinking from a puddle seems like another POV 'cheat'. The problem is that, because we have been told nothing about the society that (she thinks) she is living in, I make the assumption that it is the same is mine (in general terms). So, I would not expect her to drunk from a puddle without remarking on it, or it seeming unusual to her. - "people in golden armor" - Were they not there before? I feel like, the first time she looked around, all she saw was orange people. - "or working" - Working at what? Are they in a call-centre? - "What supported her was barely enough to keep them alive" - Strange phrasing: support in this context sounds more like the chair she's sitting on (for example). (page 3) - End of prologue. Okay, conclusion: Everything is awful. Humans are slaves, and yet, are they. or is it just the orange people that are slaves? It's a pretty nightmarish vision of...something, or somewhere, but it was pretty effective, if very vague. But then I guess you can get away with vague, almost formless, if it's a dream, or a vision. Oh, and before I move on. I am enjoying the accuracy of the writing. Refining language is one thing, and there is always room for that (Always, in any thing), but I find the line-level construction (punctuation, etc.) pleasingly 'accurate'. Good job (page 4) Chapter 1 - "It was comfortable... in space." - I like Q's internal voice. (Hmm, how odd to comment on a character who's initial is Q. - "He liked to make himself feel better..." - This sits in a great line, but the language here is passive, and confusing, IMO. I would simplify it. I find it hard to turn off my editor brain, which immediately tries to offer suggestions, so, by way of illustrating my point, I think something like 'He took endless satisfaction from annoying...' Then again that, probably, is more in my Q character's voice than yours I mean it's literally only "He always felt better after annoying..." A simpler phrasing would be better, I think. - "You can attack now" - This is not professional terminology for this sort of thing, and makes these people come over as amateurs. Professional 'agencies' have codewords to make it harder for someone eavesdropping to understand what's going on. Even phrases like 'Go, go, go' are neutral in the sense that it could mean different things. - "made his Grav boots increase the weight of gravity on the window" - Okay, science. If you're going to write SF or even space opera it has to be convincing, and you have to convince the reader that you understand things like gravitation, orbital mechanics, etc., even if it's just a case of copying the terminology from somewhere else, or doing high -level research. Gravity is not weight, objects have weight, which is a function of mass and the acceleration due to gravity, acting on the mass of the object. You can't increase your weight (I would argue). You can increase the force that your body or some other object imparts on the target object, but that's going to involve an external force, separate to gravity. I'd suggest a simpler phrase here. I'd suggest that he can have a device that messes with the force of gravity locally, but he can't change the gravity of the planet, just introduce another force that counteracts, or compliments it, I would say. Sorry to prattle on so long, but this sort of stuff bugs me (page 5) - "The safety shutters closed just as he entered the ship, closing the breach and keeping the air from being sucked out" - No. I significant amount of air will be sucked out in the time he takes to get through the opening. Also, the air will rush out from the room and push him away from the opening. At the very least, he will have to battle against that force to get in. I would suggest watching some quality SF movies and films to get a handle on this stuff. Gravity, springs to mind, and The Expanse. - Hat? I'm confused. - "This must’ve been a repurposed ship" - Tense issue: This ship is still a repurposed ship > 'This ship must have been repurposed.' - "MRG" - Ooh, what a cool name. I like it. - "dove behind the wall" - This encounter feels strange. I think the timing is off, I think he has too long to dive for cover before they start shoot. It feels like the enemy are treated as useless dummies. if you make them act hapless and stupid, the reader won't feel any sense of threat. They should not have to wait for a command to fire, IMO, and Q should not have time to throw out a couple of pithy thoughts before he jumps aside. That aspect feels lame to me. (page 6) - "He couldn’t tell whether to be complimented that he took such extreme measures, or insulted that he thought this would stop him" - Really quite confusing sentence, because you have two people referred to several times both using the pronoun 'he'. I approve of not using names too often. I think you are quite right in that, and it's well done in the narrative for the most part, I think, but when there are two 'he's, we need some differentiation. - "mentally activated it" - How? I'd like to know more about the mechanism. - "started having their guns pulled out of their hands" - passive phrasing. Having a gun pulled from one's hand doesn't take any time, IMO. So, I'd suggest phrasing this more directly, to ramp up tension. Also, the word 'suddenly' is not sudden, it has the opposite effect. If you just write, 'The RGs' guns were pulled from their hands'--that happen instantly. But if you put 'suddenly' in there, it's an extra word the reader has to read before they get to the action, so it actually slows down the effect, from a reading perspective. This is my opinion. You want something to happen instantly or suddenly, just say it. - "magnetically pulled toward the bomb" - Okay, I find it hard to believe that these guns include any sort of ferrous metal in them that would have a truly magnetic effect. Pulled towards the bomb, okay, but it's not actual magnetism, which I think the phrasing implies. - "It left Q and the ship alone, able to target what he wanted without pulling his weapons away" - I don't understand this at all. Where did all the enemies go? - Okay, I lost some respect for Q at this point. Anyone going in battle with a weapon and they do not know what is does has seriously poor judgement. - Also, the guards are still there......Oh, wait, I understand 'it left Q and the ship unharmed'. I think you need to be wary about the prevision of your word choice and phrasing. I think the primary meaning--the most obvious one--of left someone alone, it to leave them without company, in isolation. I think that accuracy of phrasing is very important to ensure reader understanding. (page 7) - "five feet" - Hmm, Imperial measurements. Okay, but it sounds old-fashioned. - What is a 'Source'? Don't understand. - There's something up with the line spacing here. The break between POVs needs a complete blank line between it and the next POV, double-spaced and everything. There needs to be daylight. - "She had forty of her men" - IMO that's a crazy number of troops to bring onto a ship in the same place. Think of it tactically. All these soldiers trying to fire past each other in a narrow corridor, and spaceship corridor are going to be narrow. That is a loooooot of bodies to get through an air lock. Do they all have pressure suits on? (page 8) - This is the point at which I start having trouble. Somehow there is no weight to anything, no meaning. A couple of men teleport, use tk, one dies; I don't really care about any of it. I'm no invested in the characters, or the situation. I don't really care whether they succeed or not. In fact, seems like they are the baddies, space pirates. I've no reason to dislike the defenders. It feels like the Empire invading a certain spaceship with Leia Organa on board. (page 10) - "you can show this gratefulness" - gratitude, IMO. - "take the bridge before they send a distress signal" - No. How long do you think it takes to send a distress signal? The alarms went off the moment the ship was breached. The distress signal will have been sent minutes ago, surely. There I nothing to stop the commander sending a signal the second the shooting starts. - And, okay, good, Q is all over that, but the thing is I don't believe M would not know that. She's an experienced pirate, she knows how ships work. IMO, it's not credible that she would not have this knowledge. - "withdrawal tantrums" - Excellent. Again, this is a good character flaw for Q, and adds more colour to the character. It's his motivation I don't like, but I am solidly expecting his evil to be subverted at some point. - Finishing the chapter on dialogue is good, but this line deserves to be a new paragraph, especially when it's the last line of the chapter. (page 11) Chapter 2 - Another new POV. This is an issue because I'm not engaged with any of the characters yet. Also, none of the POVs stands out as having a particular distinctive voice, so they tend all to sound the same. - Eh? Who is E? Where with she come from? - "looked out the window" - Window is not a very SF term. Spaceships tend to use nautical terminology, or words like screens. Window sounds like he's at home, or on the bus. (page 12) - "He has a rocket launcher" - Science: if you fire a rocket launcher in a weightless environment your are going to be propelled in limitless space a a huge rate of knots. This needs explanation of some sort. - "another one his flight mates starfighter" - (a) flight-mates should at least be hyphenated, as it's a compound noun, like 'crew-mates'; (b) it's possessive, so flight-mates' strarfighter. (page 13) - "We can’t let them make it to the..." - Some of the dialogue is a bit, corny. - "How did they get destroyed without him knowing" - Some of the language/grammar is rather simplistic, unstylish. Style and author voice are important. People read to be entertained, and a big part of that is the author's style and voice. The language, the prose should invoke a feeling in the reader. - "aiming a weird gun at him. He shot it, and a blue ball of energy smashed through" - Immediacy. Cut as much as possible to make the fighting scenes more energetic. Here: '...aiming a weird gun at him. He shot it, and A blue ball of energy smashed through...', this bit is unnecessary, it gets in the way of the action. It's obvious Q shot the gun, just show the effect. Good to end the chapter on a decisive action like this. I general like the arcs of the chapters, and I like that they are short, that keeps the reader moving, turning pages. (page 14) Chapter 3 - Okay, less of the line by line stuff now. You get the idea of the stuff that is troubling me. I'm going to skim through to the end. - "he didn’t damage the ship much" - hands damaged the ship - "engaged the engines, and the starfighter went on a collision course" - need to feel the stakes: this phrasing is passive. It's not the starfighter that does it, it's Q that sets the course. Make him sound active > 'engaged the engines, and the starfighter went on set a collision course'. - "penetrating its hull before getting sucked back out" - Science: if it's because of the air escaping, the fighter won't be sucked out, but pushed out. - "He shot the boarding party with a spread shot and then threw a small explosive at them" - It's all too easy. There is no sense of jeopardy, no sense that Q, or anyone else important, is at risk. There are almost not stakes at all. I just get the feeling that whatever the author wants to happen will happen and there is no meaningful conflict, not risk. - "He saw the bridge crew running around, panicking" - This is lame, and builds on my point above. Give the opposition some backbone, make them believable. I don't think this is believable. Even if there was some initial panic, they are fighting for their lives and survival instinct surely would take over. - "He mentally increased the strength of gravity" - I don't accept this: see earlier comments. - "his hat caught" - I don't think this even was explained. What hat? (page 15) - "and the company is mine" - Yep, this is the point I would stop reading. If the M/C's motivation is greed, I'm not interested. Okay, it then looks like maybe it's revenger, but they are fighting over wealth and property, so it's still greed. I'm still not interested. (page 16) - I think there is a section break and a POV change here. You need a symbol to mark where the POV changes at a page break, to avoid confusing the reader. - "the hyper ring's defense system" - This is possessive, needs an apostrophe. (page 17) - "even though she was a SH herself" - there's no explanation of what an SH is. I don't understand, but, because of lack engagement for reasons noted above, I don't care that much. (page 18) - "An entire cargo shipment of S" - This doesn't really have any weight, because I don't know what S does, or is. Is it animal, vegetable or mineral? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter, I guess maybe I only need to know it's the haul of lifetime, but it doesn't feel like that if I don't understand the context. I think that is part of the wider issue I have with this story, nothing has any context, so it all feels kind of inconsequential. - LOL, the last line is surprising and unexpected. It doesn't add anything to the story, and it doesn't propel me into the next chapter, but what it does do is implies depth of character that hasn't been in evidence that much. So, I enjoyed it. Made me smile. Overall Physics: Okay, I know this is space opera, but you just can't ride roughshod over the laws of the universe: gravity; vacuum; natural forces. If you don't treat this things with 'respect', the reader will quickly become frustrated or confused, I reckon. It's fine to have doodads and handwavium that suspends gravity, etc., but you need to talk about those natural forces in a plausible way. Tone: I like it, I like the swashbuckling flavour, and the fact that Q has a big opinion of himself. Swagger can be really effective in a character, and I think there is potential here. The problem is they are criminals, which makes me dislike them, significantly. I presume this is going to be subverted in some way, but I think you need to do that quickly, or I'm going to switch off. Stakes / motivation: I dislike the fact that all these people are about is stealing, property and greed. It's a poor motivation for any character. How many published stories have that as the motivation? I would say very few, and usually only as a secondary aspect, or side effect. Maybe you are going to subvert that motivation later, but it's too late now. There is no foreshadowing of doubt or guilt. I would not read any further if I had bought this book. Risk / conflict: Basically, there is none. I never felt for a moment that anyone of the main characters was a risk. The opposition all fell down dead and made it completely easy for Q and M. The result of this is not to make them more competent, but just to make the battle scenes feel fake and staged. Pluses: I like the short chapters, and the narrative is pretty efficient, doesn't wallow around in description. the downside of that is that the world doesn't have much weight, but it does make the reading fast. I think the arcs are clear in each chapter. Arguably, this is really one chapter. Prologue: I completely forgot about the prologue, which actually is a style of prologue I've seen used before, and then it swings back in later and the reader goes 'Oh, yeah. I forgot about this.' The thing is, the prologue does nothing to set up the story. There's not reference to anything concrete in the prologue, no names or places. We don't know the character is. I tend to question the need for it at this point, but there's no way of knowing , really. Sorry not to be more positive. I think there are positives in this but--for me--too many negatives and issues that undermined any potential engagement with the characters. I'll be interested to read the other comments, and see what you make of them. Thanks for submitting

Thank you, @Mandamon. I'm going to redouble my efforts to record something soon. Singing seems like a good way to react to all the BS at the moment, and I don't mean Brandon Sanderson, obvs

Hey, we're cool. Actually, your post was interesting, because it made me trip back down Memory Lane to how I ended up here (and @Mandamon will correct me if I missed anything out, or got it wrong). It was nice to remember that. We set up a Google Docs group to write projects through Brandon's lecture series. I think maybe there were 6 to 8 of us, and all but three(?) fell by the wayside, and then was crossed over to RE. Further, hmm, I also am not sure how I put up with @Snakenaps. Maybe it's the cat pictures? (No, it's not the cat pictures) .

Hey, thank for your comments, @PiedPiper. Much appreciated. Mariner - Yes, it's a bit of a cut-and-shut job. I wasn't happy with the arrangement of the stanzas, and quite hurriedly shuffled some of them around in this version. Your points are well made. Maybe sometime I'll spend a more considered hour to two on re-writing it 'properly'. Jack - Again, good points, and I'm happy to take these onboard. Repetition is to be avoided, and typo, yes. Silent fingers, fading toes: it's to do with numbness, but that could be clearer. I'll be interested to see if anyone else picked that. Writer - Yes, definitely. Without the music, and knowing the song, this has little merit at all. The song is... ...which again, may not help you a jot if you do not know it. For some of us 'old folks', or musos (looking at you, @Silk), it's a classic. Thanks for reading!

It's cool. I'm also wrestling with Scrivener as a newbie these past two months. I really like it, but some thing are less natural than in Word, I think (although that might just be 30 years of experience speaking). Sorry, Weekly Reader Syndrome: def. tending to forget details, names, etc. due to the seven-day gap between submissions. Yeah, it's not really a problem. When I had the thought, I didn't feel strongly about it being 'incorrect'. I think the line is fine. My comments about setting: they sound quite harsh reading back. I'm not expecting a richly described setting, I didn't mean to suggest that. It's not the kind of story were you're going to describe in huge detail flecks of corrosion on the copper coupling of a sinuous, pearlescent plastic hose, for example. I was just trying to get across that there is so little description of setting that, essentially, I have no visual image in my head while reading, or only a very hazy one.

Yeah, @Aspiring Writer, it depends on what you want from the process, but what @Snakenaps says holds true for most people, I think. If you send a revised chapter the week after you sent the previous version it will be freshers in folks' minds, but I feel the feedback will be proportionally less valuable, because--speaking personally anyway--I'm a bit jaded with reading the same thing again seven days later. Also, that approach breaks up any flow in the reader continuing through the story at a regular pace. I have subbed a revision the following week, but I prefer to go one chapter after another, so the reader is reading a consistent package, and a regular pace (slots permitting). Now, if you were subbing a short story, that would be different, as you are trying to hone a smaller piece through several revisions that might be quite close together, especially if you have a submission deadline for a competition, or market submission. But ultimately, it's up to you. Sometimes, if you sub a revised piece the following week, you can get some reader who haven't got around to reading the first sub, and can go straight to the second one so you get a fresh perspective.

Yes, but I came for this group, not the Sanderson chat. I 'discovered' Sanderson through Wheel of Time, and from there found my way to Writing Excuses, which led me to Brandon's online lecture course, where I met @Mandamon, which led me here. I think that was the order of events. I read a wide variety of genre fiction, and there is just too much BS for me to plough through it all. I do have some in my TBR: Way of Kings, for example, Elantris. I'm never going to at the cutting edge of Sanderson reading, too much writing to do, and reading other things.

Hah, so I'm throwing this out there for a bit of fun. Please feel free to comment as you see fit. The first piece (AMH) is a poem taken from the first novel that I ever wrote, at 225,000 word beast that I put together over about 12 years without having the faintest idea what is was doing other than copying the authors that I loved Tolkien, Eddings, Lewis. I've tweaked it around in a superficial way because it was just a bit too rough, be even now... Well, you be the judge. The important thing was that your fantasy novel had to have a poem in it, apparently. What do you mean there's no magic, do I need that too? Huh. The second piece (Jack) was a poem I wrote after completing a volume of poetry that I wrote between 1989 to 1991 (because I was in 'lurve'). So, the dozen some poems in that volume are all very misty-eyed and soppy. This one came along a year later, and isn't, I trust. Finally, a lyric (The Editor) that I decided at the time was an excellent idea. Probably, I spent about two hours doing this in stead of writing the project I was supposed to me writing (maybe the first Q and M book). Anyway, I think it's loads of fun, but you have to have the music running through your head at the time, as I have never taken the time to record it. If you can't figure the music, then you're probably too young to appreciate it! . I'll post it out, and if you can't guess it, or work it out, I'll tell you. And, maybe I'll record it, right around this time I'll record the music to the lyrics that @aeromancer wrote in that short story of his

Meh. I've only every read the first Mistborn trilogy, and Books 1 and 2 of the second Mistborn trilogy. Oh, and Books 12, 13 and 14 of Wheel of Time, of course.

OMG, I was researching something for my current project, and I came across this. MI5's FAQ page. It's awesome!! Super interesting page in fact. During WW1, there were 9 MI departments, and in WW2 there were 17!! I'm hoping the DG will speak at my daughter's birthday party next month...

Heh, so, @Silk, may I please have a slot for...today! I was going to sub a couple (maybe) of poems, since they're in the group consciousness at the moment. Just to, you know, dooooo something. I mean, I am working away on finishing the first draft of TBB, and I thought I would run that through here, since I'd like to get a reaction from people who don't know Q (in addition to the reaction of those that do). But, that's for another week.

Excellent

I like the story from Ir's POV, and I like the changes that you're making. Yes, I think the BK is probably living a more intriguing, tense and dramatic version of these events, BUT, you have Ir's voice down completely, I think, and her family life is very convincingly written. I posted up on twitter a comment about...something, bemoaning the lack these days of morally upright 'heroes' with good hearts, doing stuff because it was the right thing to do. I've had pretty much enough (for the most part) or morally grey characters, anti-heroes, etc, to do me for a while. Okay, there are still some really good ones written, and I enjoy reading them, but for a while there (I think we're coming out of it), it was the default and, like all defaults, was getting tired and overdone. So, I like the this story is different in that respect, but it does need a bit 'more' (as we all talked about on Draft 2) to make it suitably entertaining, and not to become a melodrama. Seems to me there is good progress in that direction. Maybe Book 2 will have the increased intrigued that your chops have evolved to by then, and then Book 3 even more so.

Hmm, well, err, popular opinion--I think--is that they are quite good, terms of the prose (see 2) below for other aspects...). I just can't write messy. I hate it. I have trained myself over decades in the language that I love, and I believe it should be written well, tended and cared for in the process. What this does NOT mean, is going back over it again and again. I've also trained myself to stop doing that. What I do is go over the last page I wrote from the day before, editing and tidying, as a means to get going on today's writing. Other than that, I write with spell- and grammar checkers switched on, and I eliminate the squiggles as a I go. It makes a big difference to the poor sa---I mean lovely people who volunteer to read my drafts. They don't (I trust) need to wade through dumb typos repeated words, bad grammar, etc. Okay, the prose may still be bumpy, but it's easier to read without the careless mistakes, and I think you get more rounded and useful crits that way, when the line-level distraction are minimised. This is an area I'm a bit loose with, but that's where alpha readers come into their own. I tend to plot the first 2/3rds or so of the book, write out fairly detailed characters sketches, world-building notes (only enough to get me stated, no more than that!), an order of events; maybe to the tune of about 3,000 to 5,000 words of notes in total beforehand then I start writing and the plot changes, often from a fairly early stage, as I write. There in lies the rub, because I'm not that good at keeping arcs tight, and really thinking through the implications of plot aspects to the fullest. I will typically get to the end and have a fair bit of work to do in the next draft to tidy up the stuff that evolves during writing and doesn't really make sense, or needs solid foreshadowing to work at all. Hope that's useful

Hah! Me again. (page 1) - "a former ghost of the time" - mixed metaphor. I think it would be 'a ghost of the time'. What is a former ghost? - "her small break from kitchen duty" - short break, IMO. - "place to have as a meeting location" - wordy and complicated: it was the easier meeting location. - "The dim room burned her eyes" - Huh? How's that? - "Maybe if she fell asleep, then when she woke this would all be over" - for flow. - "Could she continue working for the BK, even if it meant losing the restaurant?" - Logic issue. If she continues working for him, the restaurant will be rebuilt, surely. It's if she leaves that it won't be. Suggest 'if leaving mean lasting...etc.' - "but that didn’t mean he forgo their ways" - grammar: is 'forewent' a word? If not, I think you'd need to use 'eschewed', or reword so that 'forgo' fits. (page 2) - "What I didn’t know was their father was a berserker" - Missing word, IMO. - "Within days, I went from being able to read the smallest text to not being able to tell who had entered the room within days" - Primacy and recency. - "the rumor milled" - typo: rumour mill (page 3) - "I was plopped down" - I feel that this word is weak. It makes light of a dramatic telling of this story, and kind of trivialises the encounter, IMO. Also, "called him some words" - names, usually. I think 'names' has more impact, is more personal. (page 4) - "he took a shuttering breath" - Show me the definition of this word. It's either 'shuddering' or 'stuttering', but I have never heard, and cannot find anywhere any definition of this word the means what it is used for here. - Nice ending to the section, but 'shuttering', please. (page 5) - good atmosphere in the description of her going through the city. I can feel it. The rain is a nice touch. (page 6) - "there was less and less signs of struggle" - GRAMMAR!!!!! Dear goodness. 'there were fewer and fewer signs of struggle'. OR, just drop the 'S' from signs. - "She had only been gone for a night" - did the lockdown not go on for longer in D2? I feel like a lockdown of only a few hours is not very dramatic. At least over one night, if not two, would be way more dramatic, and meaningful. Or, am I missing something? - "It felt like the foundations of everything that made up her world was cracked" - singular / plural disagreement. - "The door unlocked with a click" - passive: 'the door clicked as she unlocked it', for example, puts Ir in charge of the action, rather than the door allowing her to unlock it. - "a dark haired form" - dark-haired, compound adjective: I chided someone else about this a couple of days ago, so no favouritism! - "Grow and decay" - I feel that the saying was 'growth and decay' last time I read it? That would scan better, since both are nouns. In this as typed, one's a verb and the other's a noun. (page 7/8) - Ir's arrival home to an empty house, and the frantic search for Sue and T is well done, I thought. Lots of tension. I can feel Ir's panic, and her going to the jail is a very proactive thing for her, I like that too. - "with little slits for windows" - use of this word makes it sound almost cute. 'slits' does not, but those words are working against each other, IMO. - the plural of storey is storeys, not stories, which is the plural of story. BUT, maybe this is an Americanism. - rainbow, awesome (page 9) - I'm glad the encounter with Sue in the street is still in. - "Not all of us spent the last three days all safe and sound in the palace" - I was sure that Ir had not been cooped up the in palace only one night. This does look like an inconsistency. - "At an ally" - I don't like the use of ally here; it's very cold, and doesn't sound that cooperative, compared to comrade, for example, or fellow. Compatriot, would be maybe the perfect word, but I don't see Sue using it. But then I don't see her using 'ally', which sounds like something a general would say. - "feeling like she had been stabbed" - Now, I don't believe she would know what that felt like, so this didn't sit right with me. 'slapped' would be a more likely analogy for Ir to use, IMO. (page 10) - "I’ll send your spark back" - YES, yes, yes, yes! This is great agency from Ir. Standing up to Sue she did before, but going into the jail, imposing (or trying to) her will on Sue. I love this - "Bribery hadn’t ended with..." - Great line: love it. - "a F’s way with words" - Good deeper background on the F. Presume this comes in much earlier in the book now. (page 11) - At the top of this page there are many instances of use of 'jail' and 'guard', running back to the previous page. A couple of instances of alternative words would make this part sound less repetitive. - "We share information. He isn’t there either" - This is not convincing, to me. I don't believe they have that level of record keeping and coordination, somehow. Or, if they do, it would take longer than the next day to coordinate their record books. I mean, why do they coordinate them? No, that's not it. Maybe the palace would have coordinated records, but I don 't see why each prison would, and I especially don't believe that lowly guard would have access to that info, and I definitely don't believe he could get it that quickly. - "kicked her boot" - who's boot? There is that saying 'kicking your heels' which means your own boots/shoes, so this to me is not immediately obvious. (page 12) - "Sue put her hand into Ir’s extended one" - unnecessary: it's self-evident, or it easily can be assumed. - "She placed a hand on the R statue next to the door, giving the diety a silent prayer of thanks" - (a) typo: deity; (b) passive phrasing, delete, IMO. - I don't remember what San is, but I'm guessing it's a boat. - "whatever happened down at the shipyard" - New addition in D3, I think? Sounds interesting, sounds like it adds more action, more weight to the sedition. - "All I know was is he was surrounded" - tense issue. He knows this now, therefore present. - "I think he took a hoof to the skull" - medical issue. Okay, I know you know about horses, but I'm convinced that a hoof to the skull has a better than 50% chance of killing you. That is a horsebox of momentum right there, and the edges of the hoof impacting on the human head are going to fracture that skull, surely. At the very least a concussion, that would stand a good chance of killing him anyway, or leaving him insensible; coma; etc. - "Growth and decay" - There it is. (page 13) - "Sue’s arm split into four long gashes" - phrasing is off here, it sounds lie the arm 'splits' while they are watching. - "She had seen herself what those claws could when her former" - missing word. - "Otherwise, her sister would have been in jail" - No, surely if the bear had been aiming for her, Sue would have been dead. - "sewed the first stitch" - But surely the point of the water is to clean the wound first? Surely, he should not be sewing the wound before it is washed. Overall I think this is better than before on balance, although I think this chapter (or maybe it was the one before) had the scene where Ir and Sue were pursued through the street, caught up in the fighting, and we saw the general himself. That had different action and tension, but Ir has more agency in this one, so better, on balance, I think. There were lots of things I liked, and a few details I didn't (as above).

Oops, I think I skipped a chapter. I posted my Chp.24 comments in here before moving them over.

Good point, and interestingly this kind of ties back into to comments about TBK and his proactivity compared to Ir. It's almost like the real story is happening to him, and we only intersect with it on occasion. I imagine a novel from his perspective would be something like 'misunderstood monarch tries to unite a continent against a supernatural threat(?), faces greed, toxic nationalism and distrust, but powers through for the Greater Good to win the day'. He is very much the hero of his own story, but he's pretty much the protagonist of this one.

Gaaah! No pressure then (He said, eruditely.)

And this.

Yup, this.

Sorry for being a bit behind the times on this. (page 1) FORMAT!! Please indent the first line of every paragraph, apart from the first of each new chapter or section. https://www.shunn.net/format/ - "typical for the S" - I could be WRS, but I don't really remember, or haven't retained, the distinct character of the races, what their interrelation is, etc. - "proud of the comfort provided to their guests" - It doesn't sound like D is comfortable, and from their perspective, maybe the guests would not be either. - Why is scientists capitalised? They're just scientists. - "as dead of a living world as D had ever seen" - I tripped over this a couple of times before I got the sense of it. - "catch up to the other young kinds" - So, what is the significance of being a young Kind? What makes them young? Young compare to what? I just don't remember if this was in the first part I read, I'm afraid. - "The rolls were different now" - roles. - I'm a bit confused. Are there no other old races likely to step into the power vacuum left by the Al? (page 2) - "recently scared arms" - scarred. - "were still in the T" - Was this explained in the last chapter? Is there any reason it Can't be explained? - "Like being in a different room" - different to what? - "air of the pol" - inconsistent capitalisation of 'pol...' - "D startled and turned to face the voice" - Startling is something that is done to someone by an external force, person, occurrence. You don't startle yourself. 'D flinched', by comparison, is a reaction that starts within D themselves, which is why I think it works in this context, where 'startle' doesn't. I don't know the proper technical explanation, but I know it doesn't sound right. - "see one of the It" - WRS alert. I think the It are siblings, maybe? I can't remember their relevance though. - "D looked back over this new Al" - 'back' does nothing here, doesn't serve any function. (page 3) - "there was no trade that used shapes that small and delicate" - Meaning G is small and delicate? Well, there is a trade, the oldest profession, but maybe that doesn't apply in this setting. - Okay, I'm not comment on grammar any more, there are too many little niggles and issues. It's a draft, Robinski, move on. - Oh, I like the bindings, that speaks to some real social issues and tensions, discrimination, etc. This is the first hint of tension / conflict in this chapter, I think. (page 4) - "when the first reports of Z" - What is Z? - "before Z hit the S" - I don't understand. I can't get it from context. Oh, wait, I've remember, it's a virus? There's no harm in just coming out a saying it. This part is not a mystery. - "only slightly better than dying of the Z" - I don't really feel much tension around this plague, much in the way of stakes. The m/c and his race, it seems, are not at risk? The m/c is S, right? (page 5) - "It’s coming" - they're an engineer, they have no role in finding a cure, surely? - "“Who did it?” - Need dialogue tags here. I don't know who's saying what. - "particular influence on the T" - What is the T? - "It doesn't surprise me that YOUR students would use it though" - Why would A say this if they don't know what the word means? (page 6) - "why don't you stop them" - I just don't understand what's going on. I don't understand the interrelation between the species, and so comments like this, quick fire exchanges of dialogue leave me lost. I don't understand why anyone is doing anything, and I don't think it's communicated by the story. - "Before they get tired of waiting" - Who gets tired of waiting, why? - "Once they wake up P" - the sleeping being. - "I need to find the answer" - The answer to what? Why now? - What race is D then? (page 8) - "Not with F determined to break what D had built" - Wait, what? When did we learn it was this F person that did the sabotage? There's not mention of them previously in this chapter. I'm so confused. Overall There is something very blank about the place (which I know you've described), but I think it bleeds into the narrative and the feeling of the story to the extent that it feels insubstantial, like a draft with the detail to be filled in later. There is a real lack of richness to the setting that I can't help feeling makes events feel a bit like a dress rehearsal by actors who's character is concealed. And because I don't understand the relationship between the species, their aims and goals, I end up not understanding why anyone does anything. Okay, a few things, but I don't see any driving motivations for any character that is going to last the length of a novel. I really don't see any promises at the start (from what I remember) for what kind of story this is. In this chapter, essentially, nothing happens. It is entirely people talking. And because I really don't understand anyone's motivations (not properly), I don't care about what they are saying, really. I kept reading, kept hoping for understanding, clarity, but it never came, I'm afraid. It's just too unclear to me, and I'm really struggling to stay engaged, because I'm not sure I was engaged in the first place. D does have a pretty strong character, which is good, but because I don't see a personal motivation, not a strong one, I'm feeling rather adrift from it all. Sorry not to be more positive.

Maybe I'm bucking the trend, but I would not add any detail. I think the prologue can be tidied up, but I don't think it's about understanding the hard facts of the prologue, I think it is setting up a tone, and themes for the overall novel. I've read plenty of prologues that don't make immediate sense, but still have an effect in breaking the reader into a story. I would urge you to remember that there is more than one of writing a book. Really, I don't think the prologue can be judged in isolation, not properly. I think we need to see it in context with the first chapter, at least.