Robinski

You're fine at that level: it's only +1.7%. As a rule of thumb, I tend to ask the question at about +5% (250 words). Below that, it's barely worth thinking about, IMO. When I was in school/uni, I'm pretty sure the benchmark for essay word counts was +/-10%. That's a different sort of thing though, and both are different again from publishing / submission guidelines, of course.

I cannot imagine binning an entire document to start typing again from scratch. All that effort, 100,000 words (whatever) trashed?! Gives me the shivers. But then, I always outline the first 50-75% of my book, and write maybe 5 to 10 pages (sometimes even more) of notes before I start writing the story. Sometimes I write sample scenes too, to get a feel of character voice and dynamics. So, I'm pretty well prepped before I start writing the novel. That way, I never feel any need to bin a whole draft. I think it's all about how much confidence you have in that previous draft, and I like to make sure I've got loads.

Noted. Taking this in tandem with the perfectly reasonable concerns about the election not being wrapped up, I will revisit the tying up of the political thread as a whole in the next edit. Fair comment. I'll wrap that into the point above. It's one of Q proprietary smiles, which all are italicised, but I can understand how this one gets lost, as it does sound like a general internal narrative thought. The whole law enforcement strand is a bit fuzzy, I think it's fair to say, and I know that you've paid particular attention to this for obvious reasons. I am much obliged to you for that. As to the rap sheets, I will address this, honestly I will. In fact... You're right. I'll fix that. Oopsy daisy. Well spotted. Perhaps. And perhaps M feels like B will be a challenge for Q, not being made in 'his' image, but in her's, and there will be two female-identifying entities in the household, rather than two male ones. So, yes. Quite so. I am nothing more than a hopeless old softy at heart. I think I wrote this ending about 70% or the way through the book, and was looking forward to subbing it every day from that point. Yeah, I mean, I could lob it into this one and have a false ending, and... Cool. It was mentioned. I can underline it if necessary. Good point, and I can hang a lantern on this. In fact, I think I will, because it's a well worn trope, after all (I'm too old for this schist, etc.) No, not at all, I'm delighted to receive your thanks . Looking back on it now to answer these last two posts on the closing chapters brings back fond memories of that story, and how much I am itching to return to it, but there's work to do a'forehand. Thank you so much for reading, not just these last chapters, but the whole bally thing. Very much appreciated.

Fair point. I will address that. Yeah. I think maybe part of the issue is that Mor's end happens off-screen, so the reader doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing that face-off. Maybe if that worked differently, then there would not be any feeling of the expecting TOM to appear? I mean, it would be like a showdown at one of Trump's gold courses, it could get nasty, but your wouldn't expect the Orange Goblin to turn up, I don't think. Yeah, noted. Accepted in full. I need to address that better. Ahem, I mean, yeah. This is something that could read better than it does. I will take on board to look at in the next edit. Hmm, yes, will consider. Yes to both of these. Yeah, need to address. Yeah kinda wondered about that too. I need to tag, but it was so the agent could 'confirm' the explosions. I will need to hang a lantern on that, as opposed to the shroud that's thrown over it at present. I think T was in pretty rough shape at the time and can therefore kind of write this off, but I agree that it was emotionally pretty understated. Above my desk I want a sign that says 'Never knowingly understated', but I have to earn it first. Great comments. Thanks, @Silk. As valid and helpful now as ever, since I've done precisely nothing since March apart from write 90% of a new, completely separate, novelette The reality is, I'm not sure when I will get back to this, but I do very much want to finish the trilogy. I think my next move will be to edit W&S, so I have a fantasy novel to try and sell, which I can do to occupy myself while I go back to TMM (Book 1), which I will edit; then on to TCC (Book 2), which I will edit before writing TRR (Book 3). That shouldn't take me much more than 3 or 4 years, I reckon. I think it may be time to put @Snakenaps out of her 'misery' too, by asking her kindly to read TMM (finally)--maybe about March. That should motivate the heck out of me

This is what I used to do, until l started writing my latest project, a novelette. I've been promising myself to try Scrivener for ages, and so I have. I'm on Version 3.1.5 and it does have inline notes, in basically the exact same way as Word uses comments. So, all the parts that would have been separate files, like character notes, plot outline, etc. etc, are now different 'pages' in my Scrivener file. In a way, the difference is quite subtle, but being only one click away from the page that has the plot outline, or reminds me what height the character is, or whatever, is much, much clearer and easier than two or three clicks to switch between separate Word files. I feel that I may never go back, but also have not spent long enough with Scrivener to learn all the deep-seated features.

Comments. (page 1) - "stacked one deep" - How else would they be stacked? You don't stack plants on top of each other, surely. - "but whatever nutrient supplement he’d put in the water" - Why did N not specify the nutrient? Why would Y think he knew about such things? (page 2) - "I’ll start hauling pots to our entry point" - This seems crazy. Why would they not put them on pallets instead of having to lift them individually? They must have little automated lifter/forklift kind of things, surely? (page 3) - I'm struggling. The opening of this story seems to be about daily drudgery. - "as the two ships attempted to remain parallel" - From the POV of orbital/flight mechanics, I would think it is virtually impossible to fly two ships side-by-side, with a solid connection. This is why docking in space is rigid, port to port, surely. I'm not expert, but this feels wrong to me. - "footsteps clip clipped down the walkway" - This is where I start to get interested. This is where the tension and conflict begins, it seems to me. Feels to me like we were 'in early'. (page 4) - "losing over half to replanting on our moon" - I don't understand. Are they not losing half to...death because the saplings are in such poor shape? Are they planting them somewhere, then replanting on the moon? I don't follow. - "gave him a yearly contract" - This is a renewing annual contract. Is that the intention? Something makes me think the intention is a contract that lasts for one year. Don't know why. Probably the use of the word yearly instant of annual. - "he’s already spent both our shares" - this tends to confirm my feeling that the context implies a single, finite contract. If it was an annual contract, there would be more money due at renewal, presumably, and they would not want to piss the client off. (page 5) - "He purchased new thrusters the year before" - Huh, okay. Maybe it's me. - "They played this game every shipment" - Why would MK not just hire another haulier then, another freighter? - "N didn’t give a This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules" - Not for the first time, Y and N come across unlikeable. This chap is paying for a service, a product, and they are serving him a pile of carp, and expecting him to suck it up. He hasn't done them any wrong, on the page, so far. He does not seem to deserve this treatment. - "cutting the whole line of transfer, functionally" - What does this mean? - "maybe some coils or something" - Like 1,000 years ago. (page 6) - "Three times our yearly salary" - I know it's N and she's free to use the wrong word in dialogue, but a salary implies MK employs them directly, which it seems to me he does not, and that he's paying for their time, which it seems to me he's not, but is paying for a product? - "Do we have a tentative deal?" - vague. I don't see that MK would use this term. If he's unlikeable and unscrupulous, he would try to get her to make a promise that binds Y, surely. (page 7) - "with way more authority than she felt" - See she says this like she's making a firm deal. What's the point of a firm acceptable of a tentative deal? - "trying to stay upright as the bridge between the two ships swung up and down" - I just... - "narrow hall" - so not the kind of parlance for space 'ships', and N is a pilot. - "She’d maybe, maybe, get to go home" - Yeah, clear enough stakes for N. As a prior reader, but what feels like quite some time ago, I'm trying to place this in the timeline of Books 1 to 4. That aside, it does not read like a prologue, IMO, but a chapter. (page 8) - "we’re going to die" - LOL, no shortage of the expected 'tone' from N. I think I always enjoyed her more as N than as At. When she was N things were simpler, more seat-of-the-pants, jiving, jibing, smart-mouthing fun. Those were simpler times: no commitments, a bar in every port... - "F--- if I know anything..." - F---ed if I know...' surely? - "not wanted" - Ouch. - "I need a p--f break" - What is p--f? - Oh, right. (page 9) - "embraced perf the way the CS embraced bare feet" - Huh? Confused. The bare feet thing. I've never liked it. I makes no sense to me. Shoes are there to protect feet, which are a particular vulnerable part of the biped anatomy, not least because they are the part of the biped in contact with the world 67% of the time*. (* - based on sleeping 8 hours per day.) - "didn’t believe in anything other than straight lines" - I mean, the thing it a ball, so there must be a load of curves somewhere. (page 10) - "N wandered" - While the narrative is well written, has voice and flows fine, nothing its happening, so wandering seems about right. (page 11) - "She passed row after row of unfamiliar faces" - But the faces are not all lining up in rows for her to pass. This sounds like she's walking down the aisle in a cinema. - I do now remember reading this story before. I'm struggling a bit to understand how it performs as a prologue to Book 5, when its events site before Book 1? What does it tell us, really, about the world as it exists at the start of Book 5? - "AU"- Is this a person? A company? I don't follow. - Oh, okay, but I thought the slender Terran was walking past. I did not realise that they were in a shop. - "a pair of unused goggles on her head"- Is this not a steampunk cliché yet? (page 12) - "smoke from her soldering iron" -Oh, right. - Does smoke wobble? - "Got close to one with a genome analyzer one." - Like the tech, but why would AU have one and use it on a person? - A bit puzzled as to why N got all hot and bothered about the biped, and why AU went to the lengths of trying to analyse them. Seems plotful. (page13) - "no issues in lumbering up to a woman" - with. - "Always just Yorden and I." - I mean...'me', but who cares? - "the only other space big enough for a biped to lay down"- Not the impression I've carried with me about the size of the MP. - "just for the buffalo"- Eh? I thought they were fish people? (page14) - "I think Y may be under some sort of unwritten long-term contract" - Further confusion in relation to the pay from and relationship with MK. - "I’m a galactic celebrity" - How? Why? I don't remember very well, and I think a new reader would have no idea what this was a reference to. (page15) - "This part technically belongs to" - won't it be missed when they try to put the cutter back together? - "And grew only on N"- This feels like the sort of critical detail that a reader would need way up front. It colours so much of the discussion. - "If she coated each ball" - seems like a huge coincidence to me that this person just happens to be making the exact thing that they need to transport the trees, and solve their problem. And N didn't go hear to look for it, she was just wandering about and wandered to the exact shop with a solution to her problem? Way, way plot-ty. (page 16) - "brushing dander" - What is dander? - "I return the balls and pay their value. Deal?" - The stakes involved in the story so far seem all to be monetary. It's not the most involving of plot lines, especially not at the start of a novel. - "With a ball in each hand" - I thought one ball was twice the size of her head? I'm really confused trying to picture what this thing is. (page17) - "And money talked on her homeworld" - right, but sell me on how this converts into interesting personal stakes. If she needed the money to save her family, fine. I guess the idea is if she's rich enough she can buy herby out of exile, but that needs to be very clear from the start as a motivation. I don't think it is here. - "She ached. It started in her chest, a blooming pressure of loss and guilt" - Her are the stakes and the passion that I need at the start of the story. This could be the start of the book, this section. Of course, the problem is, in the real world, all this has been resolved. I think it will be super confusing for a new reader. (page 18) - "As if letting in a drop of emotion would ruin this one chance for her" - Massive personal stakes, largely absent in the first half of this prologue, I think. (page 19) - "she wasn’t a technical adult" - This is an LBL I will stop for. Grammar: 'she wasn't an adult, technically' OR 'technically, she wasn't an adult'. (page 21) - "We have this one back on Earth where people from this tiny little island kept consuming other countries" - LOL, guilty as charged. Confused though, why does Y have to read the text? He's not an exile. - "N was so bored she had to fight to keep her eyes open"- I can sympathise. Is this discussion of religious dogma going to take long? (page 22) - "I believe in literal interpretations, yes, when they are plausible" - There's a lot of dry world-building here. - "wrapped her hand around one of the b/m balls" - I repeat, I though these were supposed to be twice the size of her head. - "Are all the plantation trees N gives to R from hybrid stock" - so, hang on, has she once again stumble--with no agency or freewill or personal choice at all--into another part of the solution to her and Y's problem? It seems like the plot is the main character in this story. (page 23) - "Or were preserves left for historical something-or-other?" - What does this mean? - "such as the one you grew up on" - So in fact, she already knew the answer to the question she just asked? - "That does seem like an excellent idea"- why is she interested in trying to solve a problem that nobody else seems to be caring about? She seems to be interested in improving the services to the R's, even though there does not seem to be anything at stake for her in doing that. - "We could start low-hybridization plantations, certainly" - I'm pretty much glazing over at all this technical stuff. I can't see how it affects the plot, or even really what the plot it, now that I think about it. The plot, as best I can see, is N finding a way to get back to her planet, which she misses. So, is the plot homesickness? (page 24) - "Dock at the landing pad?" - But you don't dock at a landing pad, you land at a landing pad. You dock at a dock or docking station. - "weekly or monthly basis?"- vague, pick one, IMO. If he gives her the choice, she's going to pick the longer one, you would think, so why would he? - "flanked them, above, below, and on both sides" - IMO, flanks are the sides, not top and bottom. (page 25) - "We have permission from the R" - But it was the N that gave permission, not the R. The R made a request the involved landing, did it not? (page 26) - "WE HAVE FOUR OLD GROWTH AS REQUESTED."- This seemed to take about two minutes. Way too fast. N left orbit instantly. How did they have time to do this, and more importantly why? I don't understand why anyone is doing anything, apart from N and Y doing it for the money, in order to eat. (page 27) - "No other spaceships were there" - Not great to describe what's not there. Suggest: the plaza was empty. - "reeks of an object lesson" - What does this mean? Object lesson in what? (page 28) - "She’d imagined her parents’ embraces" - need this way at the front of the story. - "partially hidden behind pointless shrubbery" - so, not actually pointless then, and even before that, it must have had some purpose, or they would not have put it there. - "R would certainly overturn" - See, a new reader is not going to know anything about the Rs, and their role in the universe, which is not explained in this story, as far as I can remember. Have already forgotten something from the beginning? If I have, forgive me? - "sending you to your death again" - I'm not sure that the reason for her exile was explained, or how serious it was. Okay, there was a passing reference, but I wouldn't call it an explanation (page 29) - "TAKE THE SEEDLINGS AND GO, BEFORE HE SENDS THE GUARD ORDERS TO GROUND YOU" - So, what? It was a trap? Because they got official clearance to land, I'm sure they did. It was all a trap for the Pres to get his hands on her? Why did he not send agents to try and capture her before, or make attempts to lure her back. It would have been quite easy, it seems. - "as if the very act could cement her" - Great line. - "four and samplings" - typo, saplings, I presume, however, are saplings and seedlings the same thing? The terms seem to be used interchangeably. - "can send them a...fruit basket" LOL. Y is the best. (page 30) - "a skirting of a line just far enough to be irritating" - Far enough from what? Confusing phrasing. - "An actual Ard" - I don't think this story explains the relationship between Ard, And, and Ne to a degree that any new reader could absorb. - "as skillfully as a toddler pouring milk into a glass" - This sounds like something with a very dubious and unreliable degree of skill. - "The seeds tipped out" - seedlings or saplings: they're not just seeds, surely. - "which she’d conveniently stored in the cargo hold" - This phrasing is not I think as intended. That then her storing the containers here for her convenience, it sounds like it's the narrative admitting that the whole plot has been very 'convenient'. - "its cockpit door open, a woman standing right on the edge" - Eh? This is a single-seater, right? How is she doing that? (page 31) - Love this encounter with G4. Love the description of G4, the set up of her as a childhood hero. Love the description of the setting, the wind, the roar. This is all great, and would be a triumphant scene if what has gone before worked. But, as noted, I don't think it does, because of the jumbled, rather weak plot (IMO), and the not insignificant confusion as to anyone's motivation apart from money (not an engaging premise). - "She mouthed the word ‘At'" - No, wait, what the actual...what?! I so don't understand. - "spraying a gold and green exhaust trail directly over the president’s skiff. A fine particulate fell from the exhaust, coating the skiff and blinding its viewscreen" - repetitive phrasing. - "A few pieces flew back into the hold" - Don't buy this. Particulate is something like sand, grit. You don't get particles of paper. - "and an over-the-top rub with plenty of plausible deniability" - I don't understand. What is a rub, in this context? (page 32) - "Very easy to argue that it’d be left to hammer home what N had lost" I'm lost. What is 'it'? - "These will have to stay on my lap, probably" - Huh? Really? So, this solution is in no way practical, given the volume of produce they are required to transport? - "But if these can get the R colony underway" - Was this explained at the very start? I'm not going back to check. Maybe it's DRS, but I don't remember a clear explanation of what the Rs wanted the seedlings. It must have been there, I've just forgotten. The underlying motivation thought is still money, because N don't have any stakes in the R having a successful colony. - "we won’t have to do too many more of these runs" - Which will affect their income adversely, will it not? So, in doing what she's doing, N seems to be helping the Rs, who she dislikes, helping the N hierarchy, who she dislikes, and causing she and Y to have to find new employers. Comes back to me concern about motivation, and why she would help the R. (page 33) - "hand-delivered her and seeds" - saplings or seedlings surely? - "G4 said she looked good in gold" - I don't understand. How has G4 seen N in gold? Overall It feels to me that there are a lot of details that would totally confuse a new reader, assumptions of knowledge or lack of explanation that result in what feel like leaps. My memory for the stories , the novels themselves, is a bit all at sea, BUT, I'm hampered from not having read them recently, and reading them spread over a quite considerable time period. I really struggled with the lack of plot, and the lack of personal motivations. I had very little understanding of why anyone was doing anything. Why did the Dis want the seeds anyway? Just for their technical and commercial applications? In other words, just another group wanting to make money? Even N's motivation to reach the planet is not explained. Her family are hinted at, and there is description with great emotion attached to it, but I'm not really sold on it when she works for Y and presumably will fly away again after a bit. The ending: so, this really is a prologue for Book 5? It's just so long, and reads exactly like a short story, and I think that undermines its effectiveness as a prologue. It's supposed to provide basis for the novel, but all it seems to do is set up the events that played out through Books 1 to 4. I can't seem any impetus to now read the novel that I'm still holding in my hands, presumably. To me, this reads like an ending, not a beginning.

I also don't care for this. I'm not dyslexic, I just think it's questionable from a style viewpoint, and could easily lead to reader confusion if moving between different POVs, or even just different scenes. My perspective is, you can use any of 26 letters, why would you use the same one twice? Agree. You've expressed this thought much better than I did

Okay then, Take 2 Chapter 1 (page 2) - Prelude to first comment: Wow, this is a lot cleaner. Nice job. - "I guess that makes you an ultra idiot" - I want my M/C to have better lines than this. As comebacks go, this is pretty weak, IMO. Low-hanging fruit. (page 3) - "That this is easy somehow?" - In the spirit of every word should be contributing something, this doesn't. - "an entire people in darkness forever" - But it's not just one people, it's just been explained that it's dozens of races and hundreds of cultures. - "broken as bits of metal and glass floated outwards" - I think they must be too far away to see individual bits of glass and metal. I think a wider term like 'debris' would be clearer, and more realistic. Similarly, I don't believe they'd be able to see charring. - "The field is down" - Which field? I mean, I guess his personal field, but since we're focused on the external, the ring itself, for a moment my brain was still thinking some field around the station. - "who isn’t even alive" - Hmm. Now then, he was referred to as an android, but that is a very narrow description. The more important question is what level of Artificial Intelligence is housed in the android. It must be A.I. to rule a galaxy, surely. Therefore, the question is, does A.I. live, is it alive? A lot of arguments would support that it was. - "She doesn’t believe in killing" - I struggle with this. How has she been fighting for all these years? This does not seem believable. (page 4) - "She continued her work, silent" - I'm kind of disbelieving that Gy has not said anything for about two pages. Not a very involved commander. - "begin to pull off" - Quite wordy and not that satisfying. I expect when she plants her foot that the head will just come clean off in one satisfying movement, but it doesn't. - "and the gemstone came free" - This still sounds like the Tear. A different phrase, something like 'chunk of crystal', would distinguish it from the Tear, IMO. - "walked over to the throne" - Continuity issue. The android was slumped against the throne and she was cutting his head off. She does not need to walk to the throne, she's right beside it. (page 5) Chapter 2 - "on her finger tips" - fingertips. - "would the next tyrant would wrong" - typo. - "Is it worth it to them?" - I don't buy this. She sounds like a different character from Chapter 1. She has been fighting for years, according to previous comments. To me, this is the sort of conversation to have at the beginning of a far, or resistance. - "you’re going to be making decisions" - This is the same problem I had before. There is no way they are going to let her make decisions. The point was that she will be a figurehead, controlled by the council of nations/planets/races, surely? They are not going to defeat a tyrant and then freely set up another one with NO QUALIFICATIONS or authority to have that position. - "But you can’t question every single decision for how it might affect some hypothetical. You can only decide based on the feelings of your own heart." - No, I don't buy this either. Every decision has to be made based on some kind of judgement about how it will affect theoretical, practical and hypothetical situations. Politicians must always make decisions based on facts and weighing up their own conscience, of course. Foot a mouth disease breaks out in the UK (as it did back in the....2000s?). You have to slaughter all the cattle, but do you order all the cattle in the UK slaughtered, just the region of the outbreak, all over Europe, the world? What are the hypothetical effects of any one course? Of course you must consider the hypotheticals, it's all you can do. - "that she shouldn’t have killed the A" - What happened to her argument that he wasn't alive? - "to be our compassionate face" - See, she's the 'face', she's the front, not the decision-maker. - "But I’m glad you aren’t making actual decisions for us" - There is a real contradictory thread running through the logic of this situation. I don't know what's going on now. (page 7) - "core of that sentiment” E said" - missing punctuation. - "first joined the Resistance" - inconsistent capitalisation. - "Thanks for that I super long report" - typo, and super-long should be hyphenated, IMO. - "while the rest of the people" - What 'rest of the people'? Who are these people? - "which seemed poetic to E" - Not a fan of telling people this. Deleting this bit allows the readers the satisfaction of seeing this metaphor for themselves. - "they said cheerily" - this is the tag for the previous sentence. - "the Convergence" - The what? - "That brings us right to the core of the problem. But before that" - Something rings kind of farcical in my ear. 'Here's the very most important thing, so lets not talk about it.' I start skimming to get to the important bit. (page 8) - "G cut in, “E. How did that go?" - He knows exactly how that went. This phrasing sounds like he doesn't know anything and wasn't there. If he says, 'Tell us how it went' (or something like that) it allows for his foreknowledge. - "for the station itself” E said" - Punctuation missing again, typo, I presume. (page 9) - "And even thought the library was destroyed" - typo. - "there were only three planets we were unaware of, bringing the total up to eighteen" - I don't know what this means, I have no context, I feel. - "A was saying that there were dozens of species and hundreds of planets" - I don't know what the baseline for this conversation is. How many planets did they think there were? - "E sat back, thinking" - you don't need to tell us when a character is thinking. We're in their POV, any internal narrative is their thought process. These words don't serve any function. You could tell us she's considering something specific, but we'll see that from they thoughts that follow in the narrative so, again, I'd argue these words serve little or no purpose. - "it could prove disastrous" - Why? (page 10) - "That means we can expect eighteen official representatives to arrive here in thirty cycles for the Con" - Wait, what? But they don't know what the convergence is. They said so about a page ago, and no one has explained a sudden discovery. - "At that time, we will announce the new government" - This also does not, IMO, seem compatible with Ek being appointed Autarch. - "She wanted to do something" - This does not seem like any useful kind of agency though, if she does not know what to do. - "If word leaks that we’ve overthrown the D" - But they've won the space battle, all the soldiers know that. - "It was slick and smooth" - I thought it was sticky? - "luminal messaging only" - What is this? The only reference I can see online is to "a chemical that exhibits chemiluminescence". - "Or make it disappear?" - Make what disappear? Unclear. - Well, then ending certainly came on suddenly. A classic cliffhanger, but I thought it was done well, because I didn't have time to feel it coming. I definitely would read on to see where she ended up. Overall Well, the first chapter was much better, smoother and quicker. A few issues as noted, but a good start. The second chapter slowed thing down. It's still people in a room talking, and somehow I felt less involved in the conversation than before, because much of the description of the different races seemed to be cut, so I didn't feel like a was getting to know them, but rather that is was being ignored by them. It's still people in a room talking. Yes, there is a good ending, and yes, of course it's fair to have a sequel chapter after the first one, one to gather our thoughts. it looks like we're going to be plunged back into action or mystery in Chapter 3, and I didn't have much time to get fed up with the chitter chatter. I had some mechanical issues with contradictions, and lack of clarity in places, but generally very good and I'm keen to read more.

Well, it was exactly what I wanted to know. Thank you (This nicely evokes a joke from the office I used to work in. When one of the other engineers came into my department (Transportation Planning) to ask a question, the answer was always "That depends", to the point where us Traffic wallahs (as we were affectionately known) would roll our eyes and chortle at each other.) By dint of Sarah's response, I would stand by my comment, in that the adrenaline is not on the skin surface doing the prickling directly, even if it is the root cause of the prickling.

Yes. That's good. No worries. You no me, no 'off' switch. It's a really small thing.

Comments. (page 1) - I was on the verge of saying there was too much description of clothing, but I held off, and the repetition of the line about casual/fancy carried it. One or two style/drafting things, but I'm not doing LBLs. (page 2) - "The house was clean for once" - Ouch! Meow!! (page 3) - Really feeling the tension. Some nice, subtle touches like Sue referring to Pem instead of Mat, and Ir noticing that. I might have missed it. (page 4) - "doesn’t exist anymore" - And we do get the uncomfortable moment. The discomfort is palpable. - "Justice, accountability!" - As with the best arguments in fiction, neither of them is (wholly) right or wrong. Very effective. (page 6) - "That was when she heard the door lock." - This is still a great moment, nicely done, surprising yet inevitable--I think. I'm not keen on this wording though. I think it's a bit over-written. Personally, I think it would have more impact if it was shorter. Something like 'The key clicked in the lock'. My feeling is that 'That was when...' gives the game away to the reader before the get to the important bit, the lock clicking. These 'extra' words prepared the reader for the surprise, when I think you want it just to hit the reader without them seeing it coming. - "while her brain scrambled" - Again, I feel this is over-written. Consider, if you will, the comparison with a much simpler wording. 'She stood there, dazed.' That's all the you need to say. Scrambling is something done to eggs. - "skin prickling with adrenaline" - pretty sure it's nerves that cause skin prickling, not adrenaline. @Sarah B? - "I can’t let you get hurt!" - Oh, now, this seems to be a change. I'm pretty sure in the previous draft, Sue did this out of wanting to ensure that Ir did not interfere and rat out the rebels. I think this is less good. I think you've let Sue off the hook. There was genuine dislike between them before, in this version, I don't mean in the last one. There was something verging on hate, but I think this undermines all that, it undermines the breakdown of the relationship, because suddenly Sue is thinking about Ir's welfare? I don't buy this, I'm now confused, when the emotions were so clear before. - Why is there a huuuuuuge white space here? (page 7) - "How many of the rich and powerful would see themselves..." - grammar, IMO. - "looking for something to help her" - Kind of vague. I think this could be more urgent, more immediate: 'looking for a way out'. - "Her feet hit the ground running" - Modern expression, IMO. Kinda cool, once, but verging on cliché now, IMO. (page 9) - "the stone navy and mulberry in the evening" - Lovely description, but I need this at the beginning of the chapter, or something to tell me it's evening. I've been picturing bright sunlight since the start of the chapter, and not enough time has passed for that to change naturally. - "a sigh of relief as, finally, the walls of the palace rose before her" - suggestion for impact. (page 10) - "Ir stumbled to a halt" - I would curt out as many instances of her name as you can, keep is imbedded in her POV. Using her name tends to take the reader outside her head, IMO. - "The guards probably saw her as a distraction for an attack" - Hmmm, feels like overthinking to me. I reckon it's more urgent and frustrating if she just thinks they don't believe her. - "One of the guards advanced, a burly minotaur" - Good example of primacy and recency effect. The reader best remember the start or end of the sentence. The fact of the guard being a minotaur is the least important part of the sentence. Suggest rewording: leave the reader with the punch. 'One of the guards, a burly minotaur, advanced.' (page 11) - "ill-lit by sputtering torches" - Why should this be the case? Best to be able to see everything that is going on in a prison, IMO. Better for it to be well lit in case a prisoner has smuggled in a shiv, for example. - "Her legs felt like noodles" - No. This is a terrifying moment, the country is at stake, huge implications; tension; fear; anger. I should not be laughing right now. I should not. - "her clothing was wrinkled and askew" - Not important. Stakes! Askew? Dear heavens, her mother would not like to think that she was not at her smartest when she got locked up in jail for trying to prevent a coup. I say again, stakes; tension. (page 12) - I don't like the last paragraph. It's not strong enough. Too wordy, IMO. Needs to be stronger, shorter, more powerful. Overall Excellent chapter. A few issues, as noted. My biggest concern is the tone of Sue's words when she left. IMO this is completely different and contradictory to how Sue was before, and lets her off the hook. I think retaining the animosity between the sisters is important. It's a really powerful aspect of the story, and the fact that they both are--to some degree--in the right is a great source of conflict for the reader. This, and the ending of the chapter really isn't powerful enough, IMO. Good job though. Loads of action It really does feel like things getting worse, story ramping up to the conclusion, etc.

Hi Aero, welcome back. Happy holidays to you too Comments. - I like the idea. I usually enjoy steampunk. Also, I rather like the title. Sets a mood that I could get into with no great difficulty. (page 1) - Opening is wordy and repetitive, IMO. can be cut way back. The illumination of the fields is a good image, and should be closer the first line, IMO. - Got an issue with the premise of these fields. If they are full of copper and iron, that is a valuable resources, surely, that would have been harvested before any number of years go by. This is my thinking. Now, if nations are still fighting over the material, that would be one explanation, it just puzzles me the way it's characterised. - Yeah, okay, you've sought to address this question, but I don't think the question is answered. I still have my doubts that this resource would be remain uncontrolled. - Searching is a premise that will keep me reading. - There is a looooot of word repetition. I guess it's just Draft #1, but just to flag that there is a lot of tidying and tightening up to be done, as is the way with these things. - Saying this, love all the shuddering of metal plates, etc., I get the steampunk feel, even thought the description is pretty light. - Oooft, some of the wording is pretty torturous, and repetitive. (page 2) - Err, him talking to himself like that is weird. - There's a fair amount of vagueness. (1) "Now it seemed the work they had put in had paid off" - But they haven't found the source of the flares; "this was going to be a lot larger than his initial estimate" - What is 'this'? Various other instances prior to these. - "Tell her that operations have begun" - I'm not following this. He says they've been following a trail for two or three nights now. But they are still following a trail, they've haven't found anything yet, just more trail. So, I don't see how it is operations have (just) begun. Surely, they could follow these signs for another 2 or 3 nights and still not find the cause. (page 3) - "William would captain the J the following morning if they needed her" - This sort of thing has bothered me for a long time, ever since the analysis of Star Trek original series. In practice, the captain of a ship does not gad about all over the place in land parties and the like, he stays at the helm and send out his officers. The fact that Wm is captaining the tug is...hmph, I can live with it, because it's dramatic licence and all that, but the thought that he would the dodge back to the main ship...It smacks of him not trusting any of his lieutenants to do a competent job. - "she opened the chest with no lock" - Ha, yes, okay. Pandora's box. When I read box with no lock, for some reason, I assumed the lid was sealed, not that the box could be opened easily without need for a key. - "agreed with his wisdom" - Huh? What wisdom? The thing about the box? I don't see how that applies to his current situation. It's not a box, or a safe, or a tomb or a cell, coffin, whatever: he's not opening a thing, so I didn't associate his (apparently random) thought with the present exercise. I just thought he was raving. - Ship's spirit and the flower thing is a neat idea. I like that. - "couldn’t at least look at the chest" - What chest? Where is the chest? - "as the ship slowed to a stop" - Why did the shop stop without the captain's order? (page 4) - There's plenty of grammar and drafting stuff, but I'm managing to restrain my LBL inclinations. (page 5) - "By all the g...." - LOL, great oath. A bit long, but I like it. - "having been done without his orders" - in the same way that it stopped, I guess. - "such that it couldn’t be seen" - What couldn't be seen? There is a great need for grammar dust to be sprinkled over this. - "Wm inhaled and exhaled as he thought" - LOL, I mean I did presume that he was breathing. I guess this is meant to indicate him smoking. (page 6) - "A human who suffered that much damage wouldn’t die?" - Confused by the conversation here. There's a double negative at least, and then he asks a machine to draw a conclusion about a human, which it seems ill-equipped to do, in fact, he seem more likely to be the one to answer that question. - It's confusing to have the spirit make a misstatement like that. It actually comes over quite heavily maid-and-butler, this part of the conversation, as these two must both know the range of the sprits capability. It's a really long way around to getting to the conclusion that the spirit draws. AND THEN HE SAYS HE ALREADY KNOWS! I literally slapped my forehead. - "are you sure that’s wise?" - No it's not at all wise. This is exactly what Kirk would do, and that's why I find it so annoying. Good drama; poor leadership. (page 7) - "carefully made his way across the debris field" - confused: why don't they lower him straight down at the armour? That way, the hook is available for him to make a quick escape. This seems like more poor thinking on his part. - "as he smoked his pipe" - I had lost most of my respect for him before this point, but this is crazy, IMO. He's in a potentially dangerous, at best unknown, situation and he is hampering his own reactions and concentration by continuing to smoke a pipe. - "drew an electric torch from his belt" - Whoa, my immersion in the steampunk setting just went up in a puff. How does this with in then? Why can't he have a suitably steampunk lantern? - "main guns would struggle to do this" - Really? I'd imagine a ship-mounted cannon could take limbs off a bug mechanical man without too much difficulty. - The grammar around here...I know, first draft, first draft. Also, "did not recognise in the slightest", a certain amount of over-writing. - "a weapon beside him, a long spear" - How did he fit that inside the suit, and what use would it be? It can't be identical to the one the giant was wielding, because surely the giant's spear must be 30 feet long. (page 8) - "I think he’s having a nightmare" - Eh? That implies to me he's sleeping, which seems unlikely. He is more likely to be delirious / feverish, I think. - Hmm. Okay, interesting conclusion. I would have liked to know more. We've followed a trail to the end to be presented with the start of a new trail, but I am somewhat interested in who 'she' is. Overall I rather like the steampunk trappings, there are some good lines, but quite a bit of repair work required from a drafting viewpoint. Setting the aside though, because that's not the point at this point, Im not sure the story really grips me. I don't get a great feeling of threat, or of personal stakes. Wm himself seems to be interested in profit, which is not even slightly interesting as the stakes of the story. There may be some personal stakes for the young man, but we only find those out in the very last line. I also thought that this did not present particular like a prologue. I get quite a strong feeling that the main narrative is going to pick up in the not too distant future from these events. So, bottom line conclusion, if I picked this up in a book store, I doubt I'd keep reading, and I suspect id put it back on the shelf, unless the cover was amazing, or the blurb spoke very clearly to me about what the stakes, motivation and character arc was likely to be. Character-wise. I have issues with Wm., as noted. The spirit is quite interesting, and that's basically all we get. I think Wm. almost reads like a side character, although we do get a lot of his internal narration (which is given externally by speaking out loud, which is kind of odd. Although maybe he was speaking to the spirit? I did not get the impression to begin with, because the spirit had not appeared.) Postscript Okay, I deliberately didn't read your post, as I wanted to be unaffected by it in reading. I'm not troubled that Wm is not the MC, not at all, but I think that the prologue should do more to introduce the world. I don't think there is enough world to grab onto. The trash fields are a good idea, but I want more. I DO NOT mean loads of exposition, but, if Wm. is not the MC, and we don't meet the MC to the end of the prologue, I think the word needs to be the MC for the purposes of the prologue, and we need to be immediately engaged, and start rooting for the world (in some way) as a replacement of the MC that we otherwise would be looking for at the start of a book. Such are my thoughts. I hope they are of some use. Good to read something new from you. I do think it has potential, but I just don't know how much.

Yeah, I mean just don't throw out all the quiet, reflective parts or you'll end up with a thriller. Not all books, and not all parts of books, have to be pace-driven plot machines.

You are in the right place then

I expect I would I have no quibble at all with the line in the story

Good Christmas, yes, thank you. Hope you did too. Good to hear from you. That's the idea, get back on the horse. Good luck!

Hi @C_Vallion and @Valerie, Welcome to the group. I hope you find this a useful please to be. I think you will. We don't pull our punches, but I trust the feedback is always constructive Looking forward to reading your stuff at some point.

Merry comments!! (page 1) - "was anyone’s best guest" - Never heard this expression. I've heard 'anyone's guess', but I don't know what best has to do with it. - the word 'lazy' appears three times on the first page, and again, just over the page. This is a bit much, I think. Kind of lazy word choice (page 2) - "power to knowing that she had somehow helped her monarchy. She had made a difference" - Yes, this is very good breadcrumb trail in Ir's development as a character, and the evolution of her political beliefs, her worldview. - "and this one action hadn’t changed anything" - IMO, it's not clear what the one action is. Whereas, if this was 'her latest deed', it becomes obvious it is her helping worm, which I'm guessing was the intention. - "She wasn’t the traitor. Sue and Ta were." - I feel that this is the first time she reaches this pretty dramatic conclusions. That may be WRS, and the fact I read through Draft 2, but if this is her reaching this realisation for the first time, I think it deserves a bit more attention, maybe just one more line (or two) to show she really feels this change in her perspective, or rather her acknowledgement of a change that probably happened subconsciously several days ago. - "he had been pleased when W had reported" - Is he not still pleased? (page 3) - "of a more permanent work position?" - I think it's clear that position refers to work. - "were above the minimum age for the project" - This sounds like someone else is setting the rules for the project and the BK is only complying with them. Surely he calls the shots, and could send underage folk if he wanted, OR, there is some specific age requirement, in which case that needs to be clearly explained here. - "but there was no guarantee of success, and a high chance of costly failure" - Kind of cluttered. I'd suggest deleting the first bit. It's rather weak, and easily can be assumed by the reader from the prior description of the candidates, and confirmed by the BK's assessment of the risk. - "were not creatures to tested lightly" - grammar typo. (page 4) - "Certain precautions, however, needed to be in place to encourage her future cooperation, even if they were not honorable. He hoped it would not come to that" - He has literally just said that the precautions are necessary. These two thoughts are contradictory. This aside, The BK's scheming here is excellent plot furtherance. I like it.It's nicely grey. Doesn't mark him as totally bad, because there's a chance his end goal is good, but clearly his methods are...morally ambivalent. - "no news of arson or minor attacks" - doesn't add anything, IMO. - "the last two weeks" - Why did I think they were away for 8 weeks? - "Now, it was the uneasy calm before the storm" - She can't know this for certain, but the thought is presented as certain knowledge. I think this needs qualified. (page 5) - "the million other creatures that made up B’s population" - I'm almost, almost prepared to believe that the city has a population of 1,000,000 (although I think that is a lot for a fantasy setting, and too much for the feel of the city as it's been presented). The reason I comment, though, is that there is no way all 1,000,000 of them are lining the streets, so, she is not trying to spot them among that many people. Probably only a few hundred, handful of thousands, maybe? - "A full two inches" - Not in two weeks he didn't, probably not in eight weeks either. - "resulting in his smile" - wordy. 'making him smile' is plenty. Drawing attention to things that should not be remarkable is not good style, I think. (page 6) - "been lifetimes since she had seen it" - Sounds like she's referring to the chest, as that is the last inanimate object referred to. - "during her eight-week trip" - Hah! I knew it was eight weeks. What was that two week reference about? (page 7) - "her voice rising a touch" - The volume, the pitch? Unclear. - "she lied softly" - Nice. I love using 'lie' in this sort of context: so effective. (page 8) - "I just don’t know what side I’m supposed to be on" - This is a great scene. Much emotion, and very important for showing Ir's current...position, mindset. (page 9) - "but he’s no a savior" - typo. - "I haven’t see hide or hair" - (1) typo: seen; (2) I'd say 'hide nor hair', as the full expression is 'neither hide nor hair': two negatives in agreement. - "They both watched the sun" - unnecessary. 'They' covers it. (page 10) - "leaning against the doorway" - This is repetitive of the previous paragraph, where Sue already has leaned on the doorframe. Description untidy here. - This scene feels messy, the narrative, the description. The emotional notes are fine, but I'm finding it hard to read. (page 11) - "with eyes nearly as large as his black mess of curls" - This is a bizarre description. Cannot be even close to being accurate. (page 12) - I like the tension in the encounter. Very well done, and the emotional 'disruption' that Sue's invitation causes. It's an uncomfortable place to end the chapter, in a way, and yet there seems to be a note of optimism for the relationship. I think it provide the momentum for the reader to keep going, certainly. Overall I don't there is that much new in this chapter, other than adjustments to threads and scenes already present in Draft 2, but it feels more forward-moving to me, more together (notwithstanding comments about the narrative itself), and improved in terms of Ir's motivation and agency. Good job, IMO.

This blend of fantasy elements in here is intentional, to an extent. I'm hoping to get into this later, but it's mainly to highlight how far behind they are technologically from what you might expect. For instance, no laser/energy weapons. Or does this pull away from the story too much? Not necessarily, but what I would say is maybe make a clear statement about this early one. Not a telling one, maybe something like 'How was it they could fight among the stars, but still were reduced to stabbing their enemies with metal.' I know this is not right, but just to try and illustrate. The more I think about it, if they have some form of space drive, and have the tech to travel between the stars, it's hard to imagine that have not at least invented guns. Well, now I'm curious . Don't start you on what? I said don't start me, darn it! (It's an environmental thing. I know in some parts of the world (historically?) it's been a matter of survival to have enough kids to look after a person in their dotage and infirmity, but having more than two or three kids, in the developed world, is not a responsible thing to do, IMO.) Interesting... Oh! Whoops, I meant the trees referenced before. Is there are better way to phrase this and keep the comparison? I think it's as simple as filling in what 'them' is, which is the vague bit. So, something like "with legs as thick as tree trunks and arms strong enough to lift those trees".

A mycologist and a chef walk into a restaurant. The waiter seats them, they peruse the menu for a few minutes, the waiter returns. "What can I get you?" he asks. "I'll have the mushroom risotto," says the chef. "And you?" The mycologist thinks a moment longer then replies, "I'll sample what she's having."

Yeah, I would totally change the title. Might tend to turn of anyone with even a smattering or association with mental illness? (page 1) - Wow, all the voice. That's good. I like it very much so far. - "board school" - I don't know what this is. Like 'boarding school'? I think that is a more universal term for 'live-in' school. Or does it mean like board of education special school (for 'difficult' pupils)? - "my moms are off doing all kinds of dangerous rust" - Hmm, yes. That would mess any kid up. 'Sure we love you. kid, but not quite enough not to leave you all alone with strangers.' - "16-ish. Maybe 17-ish" - Doesn't work for me. Could be anything from 15 to 18. Too vague. (page 2) - "and Mom’s holo" - is this Chef Mom? (page 3) - "All of those people were human" - Are they dead? If not, tense slippage. - "and I could stare at them for hours and never get bored" - I'm engaged by the description of Ar, and total accepting of their attractiveness to JJ. The description of the intoxicating effects that JJ is experiencing from their proximity, JJ's fascination with their beautiful eyes. This works for me in a way that another recent story I read (and was discussing with @Mandamon) featuring inter-species attraction did not. - "Ren was the real asshole" - Yeah, Kylo's a real dick. - "ninety-five percent" - Yes. I would always, always, always default to putting all number in the form of words. Certainly numbers as small as 16 and 17, used earlier, which exist as one single word (sixteen and seventeen, looks so much clearer. Even one hundred percent, which was used earlier as 100%, I would say should be presented as a word. I mean, even twenty-five, and seventy-six count only as one word. Excluding numerals is always going to be smoother than introducing them, unless we are dealing with big numbers, probably over a hundred. Consistency is important, and I think that including numerals breaks the flow of reading, because it's a story, not a text book. - "The five percent of the times I got caught was because" - tense typo: 'get caught'. Also, 'are because'. - "They’d show up while I was planting" - 'shown up'. (page 4) - "do as I say, not as I do" - I like this paragraph that really brings home the immersion of JJ' infatuation with Ar. I'm just not quite sure this the right expression to characterise how Ar is being described here. - "in their power, at their mercy, under their thumb, wrapped around their finger" - This is crying out to be 'in the palm of their hand', then would you have a rule of three of hand parts in this metaphor. - "so their lips brushed my ear" - 'brush'. - "whatever venue Mom is filing at" - Huh? Is this a typo? Filling in? Cheffing? - "around two different gods-forsaken pockets of forest on whatever planet murderous planet" - confused. - "I loved my moms" - 'love'. - "I wanted to be. Both had too many humans because both they had storming entourages" - (1) 'want'; (2) 'have'; (3) 'have'. - "made my skin crawl" - 'make'. (page 5) - "Plus, I would never see Ari if I had to go" - (1) 'will'; (2) 'have'. - "had to go back" - 'has'. - "all I feel are their lips and their warmth and that satirisation of just being close to the sun of my solar system" - (1) 'is', the feeling is singular; (2) 'satisfaction', I think? - "past tables filled with teenagers" - CLANG. Where did all these other people come from? I got no sense that there was anyone else around. I assumed that they were alone somewhere. Needs more blocking of the scene from the start, and reminders that they are in a crowded place, or at least an occupied space. - "They may be extravagant" - dressed extravagantly, I think. Extravagant doesn't mean bright. Maybe the colours are extravagant. - "but the room itself is drab, metal floor, white tables that can fold into cots" - Is this the end of the chapter? Ending a chapter with the description of a room the people have been in for the whole chapter is......not good. - "a few less humans" - I was ready to jump all over this for fewer vs. less but, since both are present, I'm not sure. - Tell me this I not the end of the chapter? If it is, that description needs to go somewhere else, further back, so that the chapter ends with Ar walking away, probably on. - Oh, no, wait, it's a short? I'm trying to decide if it reads like a short. My feeling as I read was novel, but it's easy to say that when you're not sitting with a short story collection in your hands. Really though, as a short, I don't think we get to the meet of the story quickly enough, and I think there is too much gushing at every word, touch and gesture from Ar, just a bit too much for a short, I think. Not sure, anyway, I though this was very good, and I would be keen to read more, very keen. My only real complaint is getting to the stakes of the story sooner. There is loads of motivation, but the stakes, the stowaway; I think it needs to be further up near the front. Interested to near what the others think, but good job. I like very much

The act of critiquing, or actually just of reading itself never ceases to amaze me. I thought the pacing was fine (always something interesting happening on the page), was willing to make assumptions about most things not explained (for example that they had killed the Autarch's guards already), or accept them on the basis of learning more later (like the tear). And now it's over to the writer, @ginger_reckoning, to make all those lovely decisions about how to pick all the comments apart and paste them back together . I would think you get quite a few experience rolls from this exercise. Well done!

Comments. (page 1) - Good first line. You have my attention. - It feels like fantasy so far, not SF. There is a monarch, guards are armoured. - Good character stakes in the first few lines. She has a job to do, and it's clear what her objective is, and yet lots of scope to play with in terms of how she goes about that, and what it involved. - I would say that resistance fighters are seeking to resist and invading force, whereas people overthrowing their 'natural' ruler would be rebels. I'm not saying resistance is the wrong term, I'm just saying that it sounds to me from the context more like they are rebels, on what I've read so far. - Why, oh why, oh why do I read so many submission on RE where characters have names that start with the same letter? There's just not need for it, and I find it...distracting, and potentially confusing down the line. - I'm not doing LBLs. But there are LBLs to be had. I just didn't want you to think it was perfect Seriously though, I think it reads pretty well, style-wise. - Don't understand what God's T is, even from context. - "A soldier placed a hand on her shoulder" - Why? I don't follow. Why would a soldier try to stop her? I can guess, but I don't think it's clear. And yes, when she stands over him there are sparks flying and this stone thing. Seems like she's in immediate danger. Why would she put herself in harms way? Again, I can think of reasons, but they are not shown on the page. (page 2) - "He collapsed, the arm he was using to prop himself up on the throne collapsing" - Awkward repetition of 'collapse'. - "She pulled out her knife" - Okay, so there's a nebula, and a space battle, and an android, but the use of knives pulls me back towards a fantasy vibe. Spaceships, and yet knives? - "I know a human female with eight kids" - Don't start me on this... - "children abused by servants" - This feels like a 'straw man' argument to me. Of course abuse is bad, but it's too easy to refute, and it sits in this short list of bad things like a...well, a straw man. "You are terrible: you're bad tempered, have terrible dress sense, you're greedy, oh, yes, and you're a paedophile." - "Startled, she glanced behind her to see that they had gathered in behind her" - Awkward repetition of 'behind her'. Arrgh, I'm doing LBLs. Stopping now. - "From up here in the center of the palace, they could see all of the massive ring that made up the rest of the station. And part of it had exploded" - (1) I'm not getting the perspective, how they can see everything 'below' when they are in the centre of a room. I don't believe they would have the angle of view to do that. Having said that; (2) If they are on an orbital station, depending on how gravity is generated, 'up' may not be the traditional idea of up. Finally; (3) kind of underwhelmed by the explosion. Good opportunity for some dramatic description. - "Good luck ruling without comprehending that, your majesty" - Don't think you need this, it confuses, IMO. It's not a case of comprehending it, but it no longer existing. (page 3) - "sputtering w-mbat" - I instantly think of wombats, which are very cute. Not a very gritting swear at all. Kind of weak, given the tone so far. - "Their faces were now inches apart" - Inches is so old world. Not very SF, but then neither are swords and knives. - "yanked out her knife again" - don't remember her putting it away. - Every time it says 'gemstone' I think if the Tear, not his head. A gemstone is more usually associated with a small object. I think the word 'crystal' (for the head) is easier to distinguish from the Tear. - "E floated over" - I don't get this 'E' thing at all. No clue what it is. (Also, named spelled differently, typo.) - "There was no more need for violence. The hard part was done. Now she just had to make things right, bring the galaxy back to its noble past. War and oppression, they were over now. For good" - Okay, now I know this is a fantasy. She is spectacularly naive. (page 4) - "She already had her black hair braided into a crown for this occasion" - Okay, I think I get it. She's the baddie, right? The new baddie anyway? The latest baddie. (page 5) - "a rare show of emotion for the e species" - I'd like the explanation that E is an alien sooner. Also, another name beginning with 'E'. - They seem more upset about the loss of the library than any loss of life suffered on their side, which presumable was considerable. (page 6) - "are to convene in this room immediately" - Who's giving the others? I though Ek was the boss. - "Her superiors would be here soon" - Eh? No, hang on. It was presented before the Ek would be the new supreme ruler. This is contradictory, or previous references are, IMO. - "She had simply been chosen to be the face of the new movement, to act as the new “Autarch”" - Okay, now I'm really quite confused. So, they are actually going to have a council or committee of some sort to make the decisions, but they are going to retain the name 'Autarch'? That's ridiculous. The whole point of revolution is to change the system. How would anyone know they had one if they retain the olds system? How do the stop future abuse by a new Autarch who decides to slaughter the council and take over? This is bizarre, IMO. Okay, as a keep reading this is, to some extent, explained, but I still think it's madness to retain the position. They should at least change the name. - "To act against the wills of the other leaders would be completely against the spirit of the Resistance" - I mean technically, not so, because that would then be resistance against the new regime, so it still would be resistance. As they are now the establishment, they have nothing to resist. - "arms strong enough to lift them" - Eh? Arms strong enough to lift his legs? That's a quick way to fall over. - "Very few people in the D were aware of the existence of other planets" - No, you've lost me here. So who is doing all the fighting in these spaces ships? Where do they live? Who makes the space ships, and when they launch the new spaces ships, where to do the people on the ground who don't know about other worlds think they are going? I don't believe this at all. That's like saying that people on Earth don't know that there are other celestial objects in the sky. - "Can we truly say that our goals are worth even a single life?" - His tone it very preachy. I guess it's just coming from this commander, although Ek's internal monologue is also naive about his the world works. It just seems really unlikely from a soldier. My impression from everything I've seen is that soldiering quickly erodes any idealism in the individual. Just look at the survivors of any war and how they are treated by society afterwards, let alone the damage that it done to their psyche during combat. I struggle to be engaged by K's character, and by the commander. (page 7) - The en's perspective is much more realistic. - "sick to my stomachs" - LOL. There is a strand of comedy, which does confuse me as to the tone of the story, but it's nice to laugh occasionally. - I like the pace at which you are feeding in new characters. I think that is judge nicely. It works because it is realistic that commanders would arrive at different times due to practical considerations, and that two species (perhaps more closely allied than others) would arrive together for practical, but also for political reasons. And of course it gives the reader time to absorb new information at a practical pace. - "And he had been G’s boyfriend, so he was off-limits" - Okay, now information is starting to come too quickly, I think. I like to have the personal relationship input at this point, but I hope there are not many more names to come. I don't mind repetition of the same names, like underlining how the sad hold their weapons. It's not a new name, but a new detail about a name I just learned. That's fine, IMO. I'm coping, but nearing overload. (page 8) - "the Convergence" - Whoa, whoa, whoa, the what? - "Most people were conditioned to ignore them" - Why? This is flat out telling. (page 9) - "I tried to give it to A a few minutes ago, and it burned his hand" - No, hang on. This was not on the page. This has to be on the page to refer to it in the meeting, it's too important to just say it happened. This moment need to be foreshadowed. - "the meeting happens. I’m still writing it, but I’m not including" - NO! Well, I mean, yes, keeping writing obviously, but I think this is the end of the chapter right here. This is a very dramatic moment. It's like Frodo accepting the one ring, and it would be a great place to end the chapter. You said yourself that the meeting is becoming boring, and I think you might be right. I would cut And's line, and the reference to him. Finish the chapter with "I'm the only one who can touch it." I think that sets up big tension and would pull the reader into the next chapter very quickly. Overall I won't retread my various points of detail here. I think there was some unevenness in the tone, in terms of on one hand making references to child abuse (which is hardcore) then on the other having a quite flippant tone towards the mass destruction, it seemed. The mechanics were pretty good, I thought. I thought the narrative itself was well paced, the dialogue often good, usually easily readable, and flowing well, even when I thought the content had issues. Where I began to have structural issues was with the council meeting. The mechanics of it were good. I liked how the various species came together, introduced at a good pace, verging on overburdening the reader, but not quite reaching that point, I thought. I liked the feel of that, how they pulled up chairs around the throne It felt makeshift, on the hoof; they felt exhausted, tapped out, trying to get done what they had to so they could rest. I thought the creation of the mood was very good. My difficulties were with how some of the new information was introduced. For one thing, I think there was a lot of new information here, at the end of the chapter. I'm not saying cut all or move most, but maybe just review and see if you need it all. By all means keep some, even most. I liked how some of the leaders were caught on the hop, like with them not controlling the whole station (which is entirely realistic), and not even know that the tear was a real thing, that was nicely done. What I'm saying is that there are a couple of bits dropped in without explanation that clanged for me, like why everyone ignores the En. That just confused me. Comments above about the chapter, but I would strong recommend not going any further and ending with the client dropping the stone. I think that is the dramatic moment the chapter end needs. Good job. There is a lot I like about this. It's a good, interesting pace start to a novel, and I certainly would read on. All my gripes are fixable. I look forward to reading more. The challenge is to keep it interesting and surprising, and not to fall into staid old obvious patterns of space opera.

Hi, nice to meet you . You are in the right place, welcome.

WE WILL DRINK WHISKEY/WHISKY AGAIN, SIR (though by then I might also be a sir so that'll be amusing) I will drink whisky/whiskey with you if you are stuky-pawed Ne, a Nug, or a Ris, which would be even more...amusing?