Robinski

@Mandamon, Bef is shopping for one of these in the next session of DVRPG. So that he can not fire it...obviously.

Excellent. I like that. Yes! I was trying to think of that one when I was writing this and it would not come to me. Thank you! Regular word-hound, I is Hmm, interesting. I feel like maybe we need to see the stowaway up front? Dunno. Something about this interaction made me think longer piece (and possibly I didn't read the intro properly ). I'm thinking this in terms of jump-starting the story and the stakes, upping the tension from the get-go.

Yeah, it's a tough one. I think you are probably fine, especially since he is a well-rounded character before this. But really...it's hard for me to say. Like I said, I guess it's just something to be aware of. Yeah, for better or worse (in terms of what it may or may not say about me), but ethnic diversity among the human contingent never occurred to me to be an issue, because there are so few humans in the story. Also, the story is set almost entirely in one city, and definitely entirely in one nation, albeit there is an influx of invaders from another nation. So, arguably, there is less expectation, I think, to encounter different human ethnicities, especially in view of the diversity of animal species around. The thing that we did debate in the early stages of submission of NotK--which some of you will not be aware of, I guess--was the distinction between the different 'developmental classes' of animals, i.e. mundane animals, intelligent animals and therios (did I get that right, @Snakenaps?). I think that is the area in the story that is potentially problematic in terms of any passive / unintended speciesism or discrimination on the basis of intelligence. And I recall that Snakenaps has enacted some changes to tackle some of the comments on that topic. Having said this, in later books, were there to be any wider travel beyond the border of Pe, there is likely to be some expectation of different ethnicities among humans in far flung geographical areas, in the same way that we might expect to see more diverse species of animals and therios (lions, tigers, penguins, etc.). I think it's fair to say that the story does a good job of establishing a setting through the selection of animals and therios that are present. Imagine the reaction, for example, if a crocodile were to appear in the next submission?

Hah, well, I go waaaay easier on myself editing than I do critiquing you lot [Edit: I don't, actually.]

Yeah, very similar for me. I think I subbed the first chapter of my last novel through here three times (some weeks apart), and the first six chapters twice. The second time the chapters came through I continued with the whole novel, subbing a chapter, editing it for comments then editing the following chapter before it was due the following Monday. So, I was kind of editing each chapter twice, once before submission (for comments that rolled forward from the previous chapter) and once after submission, then rolling those comments into the following chapter, etc., etc. The difficulty is (I think) the further into the book you get, the bigger impact the comments have, to the point there I found I was substantially editing (sometimes even rewriting) some of the chapters from about the 2/3rds point.

The google searching I've done says that it's supposed to be capitalized for direct address. Is that not correct? I have a fairly heavily ingrained aversion to capitalisation because of being bombarded with it A LOT in the early stages of my membership in RE (as my subtitle proclaims). Given that, I may have fired off this comment at first appearance of the caps, out of concern that this was going to be one of Those Stories. However, it wasn't, and really there was not much capitalisation to contend with. While 'correct' form may be to capitalise 'Your Grace', I think that doing what you feel serves the story best is probably the main consideration. I doubt anyone would have commented if you had not capitalised it, but given the context, I retract my comment The thing that I loath are sentences like this: 'Garon used his Magic, summoning all his Power, centring his Might on the Spell that he was about to Cast, because Casters needed to Focus their Will the ensure the Power was discharged, and the Evil Seekers were eliminated.' - Yes, there has been this many CAPS in some submissions over the years. Would "The midwife had warned..." instead add any clarity to what's going on up front? Or is the disconnect between the first two sentences and the third just too jarring to approach this way? In reading that first line, with walls thundering down, I assumed we were in some kind of combat / war / battle situation, and I didn't understand why the healer seemed to be providing tactical information As it turns out, my assumptions were incorrect. All I would say is, it's worth revising and revising and revision that first line because...it's the first line, and so much hangs on it.

This is not because I have a split personality and like to critique my own stuff

Yes, I agree but actually did not cut that to get to 998 words, although I didn't feel the smell bit added anything, and actually jiggered with the pacing. If you did cut the smell bit, you could perhaps introduce some surprise with the ending, which was not all that surprising, as @kais said, since I feel like 84% of alien encounter stories end up with someone sailing away with them. (I mean, even the Styx song ).

Hey, Valerie, really pleased to be reading your writing for the first time. Encountering a new voice is always exciting (page 1) - Excellent first line, really good. I've got a character, I know something about her, I know there's an ET, and there's something of a mystery, because they left something behind (What is it? Why did they leave it?). Oh, and they have left, for some reason, so there is another question. That is a really strong first line, IMO. - "Amid the red shoots" - GAH!!! War of the Worlds!! (I'm joking. Nothing wrong with having red shoots, of course. This was what popped into my head. - End of page one: Very easy to read. Smooth style. I get a good amount of character voice, which is nice, and plenty has happened already, so, for a short, I'm content with the pace so far. - One slightly odd note that made me pause: "slammed the receiver back on the hook". This seems to contradict M's cheery sign-off, at least I read it as cheery, which maybe was wrong. But, in the next couple of lines, M is all grins with her daughter. So, what was she angry about? (page 2) - I don't know what an extension office is.......oh, wait, I guess we'd call it a distract office, or an area office. So, it's the local department of the DoAg? - Hang on though, as we go into an montage scene where time goes by, it was said earlier that the alien had come 'again'. It was only mentioned once, and now I'm starting to feel like some knowledge the character--or indeed both characters--have is being withheld from me. This seems rather like cheating. I'll be a bit cross if some kind of surprise connected to the original appearance is sprung on me at the end. - "wondered if this night they would come" - Again, as in the third time? - "all the way back to their first visit" - Okay, it's out in the open now. So, is it only the once that they left a flower? I presume so, or she'd have spilled some detail about the first time. - "They came once the year she turned 60. Then they did not come again until she was 72" - I would have these as text. They stick out like a sore thumb as numerals, especially in a sort so short. And having them as 'sixty' and 'seventy-two' doesn't even add to word count - "looking at the blooms" - Oh, this was a bit anticlimactic. I was expecting the blooms to be a big reveal, Fair enough. We read one. - "as if...make way for them" - What an excellent line. As a gardener, I really appreciate this. Very evocative. (page 3) - Oh, wait, she's talking about the aliens? Ooh, there's nothing to show the reader that she's not referring to the flowers in the previous line. - "branch-like limbs" - need a hyphen here. - "just pay attention and treat things nicely, they become beautiful" - Hmm, so things can't be beautiful without human intervention? This line is somewhat unclear, I think, unless that is the meaning intended. (page 4) - "Humans noses strange to us" - is there a missing word here? The alien does not appear to have been using alien-speak to date. Overall (1) - Length: I thought the story felt natural at that length. Certainly, I wouldn't make it any longer. I think it's simplicity is part of its charm. Flash fiction is up to 1,000 words, right? So, the story is 1,205 (excluding the notes at the end). I think you could maybe get this down to 1,000 without breaking it. In fact, err I've taken the liberty of trying an edit and got down to 998 words. I love this sort of challenge. I appreciate this was not asked for, so I won't send it to you unless you want to see it. (And promise not to send a murder-bot in the post.) (2) - "Were you able to get that from the reading?" - Err, no. BUT, please take into account that I am not great at spotting allegory like that, in anything. A better test will be if the others get it. (3) - "Was it too in your face (I feel like I made it too in your face.)" - See Answer (2).

Hmm, I always get my own email back again

I don't know. That's not too many for me. Totally agree with you about the impact of this chapter, but, if it's THE crescendo, I wonder if it needs a little more of a cliffhanger sort of ending. What I'm thinking is something like they actually get closer to getting the BK, and it's Sue who gets close to killing him, and maybe he gets takes a lucky hit, and it lays him out, and Ir literally has to face down Sue. I think that is the kind of showdown that is missing. Yes, totally agree. If we got just a short POV from Sue every two or three chapters to show how the revs are progressing towards their aim, in combination with my suggestion above that they (S) gets close to actually getting him, that would be taking things right to the brink of the revs success, and then let Ir play a bigger part in the outcome.

Not weird at all. That's more interesting, IMO, than the 'Anglicised' form. If you call her (them?) LN to start with, and get that established, maybe then you could move to Ellen as a convenience, used by certain 'humans' from time to time.

Hello, I hope the year has started well for you. Here in Scotland, not so much. Today we went into a hard lockdown until February, 1st (at least). On that bright note, I'm very interested to read your stuff for the first time . Always exciting to read a new voice on the forum. Without further ado... (page 1) - Okay, action from the get-go, and threat. I am puzzled why the healer was the one leading the message, but I'm interested to see where this goes. - "rumbling crash" - To me, these are two different things. A rumble being like an earthquake, and then the crash of a collapse resulting from the earthquake, for example. The running together of these things sounds off to me. - One page in and there is lots of action, things are happening, there's threat and danger, a character is taking action. This is good. I'm still no closer to finding out what's happening, but I don't mind, because there are interesting little details that pull me on, like this sphere, and the urgency of the situation. I will say that the prose feels a bit wordy in places, could be smoother reading, but I've got no grammar gripes so far, which I am always grateful for (page 2) - "locked in with the duchess’s body" - Whoa. What the heck is going on? I'm presuming from the phrasing that the duchess is dead, or there would be no need to refer to her body. - 'Choking on a breath..." - Some of the sentences are quite long. - Why is the blond hair damned? - "still breathing" - Ah, so someone has died, since one of the T's bands is gone. I like this detail, and I like that you showed me its significance, instead of telling me. Good job. - "rubble shifted" - Some of the debris shifted before. Just noting this is not the first time there's been shifting. (page 3) - "where the sphere met the wall" - The sphered can only meet a particular wall at one small point of contact, if its a complete sphere. As a result, this detail seems a bit odd to me. - "just opposite the blue wall" - Okay, I'm outright confused now, by the blocking, the location of the different elements of the scene and their relative positions. The arrangement of the sphere is a bit confusing, and I don't know what the blue wall is, compared to any other wall. Unless any of the positional stuff actually matters, and affects the outcome of the scene, I would suggest dropping some of the specifics. - "Can you hear me, Your Grace?" - I don't see any reason for the capitalisation of 'your grace'. (page 4) - "We need to get in without shifting the weight of the rubble" - IMO, this is going into a awful lot of fine detail for the beginning of a book, and great deal of detail for a prologue. It was a good start, but I was hoping the action would be over in a page or two, and I would start to learn about the characters and the story. It's not though, and Im getting bored with all the talk about debris. I want to know about character and motivation to establish whether I care about all the detail or not. - Also, I'm getting confused by the various characters being mentioned and what was going on at the time. I'm waiting for be shown clearly what the situation is, but each time I think I'm getting close to that, another character appears, or is mentioned, and I've got more strands to contend with, without knowing where they're running, as it were. - "carefree laughter" - Good detail, about T and the duke. Gives me something to hold onto from a character perspective. (page 5) - "And send someone here to help with the lifting" - I am completely gobsmacked that no one, not a guard, or servant, or page has come to even investigate is anyone needs help. (page 6) - "That would have to be enough" - Enough what? Confused. Also, confused that he has not spoken to the duke, is not over there with him trying to reassure him that help is on the way. There is becoming a curious lack of urgency about events, and Tre's behaviour in particular. - Oh, yeah, okay. - "he nearly let loose a giddy laugh" - I don't understand why he has this reaction. - "to shift the weight clear of the duke’s body" - Okay, you're really losing me here. All the time that The was standing around musing with Was, he could have shifted the beam off the duke?! That's crazy, that has to be his first and only priority. (page 7) - "He was related to Br" - Eh?! The guard is related to the duke? That doesn't seem right. Very odd. - "mentally comparing the guard’s broad shoulders" - Second use of the word 'mentally' on this page. Primarily, though, you don't need to say mentally comparing. We're in Tre's POV< so we know anything in the narrative is 'in his head'. You don't need to tell us he's thinking, it's implicit. - "No. Wait. I’ll get a grip on him, if you can pull us out" - Why on earth would he send the guard for water when all he's been thinking about is how to get the duke out, and when someone was coming to help (with that)? - "when whatever had been pinning his legs pulled free" - The pinning object doesn't pull free, surely, it's the duke who is pulled free. (page 8) - "An hour?" - What?!?! And only two people have come to check on them? This is mad. I really struggle to believe it. - "hadn’t been that long ago that he’d hated this man" - Oh, I need to know this on page one. I would be so much more invested in the personal cost to Tre if I had know he hated the duke before he started trying to rescue him. I'd say I got a slight whiff that all was not well, but I think it needs a much more obvious reference, Some things you just come out and tell the reader. - "Who could have guessed that it would come to this?" - What would come from this? Don't understand. - "healthy man in his thirties" - for some reason I thought the duke older. (page 9) - "Especially for a mage?" - Sorry, so the duke's a mage? Again this seems like something that could just to clear from the start. - "walked in with a waterskin" - Why is he not hurrying? - "we don’t have anyone to help with his injuries" - This country house, or whatever it is, is the strangest place. There are only half-a-dozen people in the whole joint? (page 10) - "some response as he helped B" - typo: missing word. - "Interrupted the spell" - What I do really like is that magic can have such dangerous and disastrous consequences in this world, kinda of like a 'meltdown' or unintended explosion. (page 11) - "Al’s features were too clearly marked by his father’s heritage" - I'm starting to presume that the main story is going to follow the child. If so, I'm not convinced there is anything in this prologue that really justifies it being here. Okay, maybe it Tre is going to be Al's faithful retainer, but maybe this 'chapter' could just as well be a flashback further into the book. (Although, I appreciate it introduces various magical gewgaws.) (page 12) - "since before the rebellion" - I'm losing track of the political situation. So, there's a king...was he the one rebelled against, or is he a new king? Then there is a foreign nationality--the Ket. Where do they fit into the rebellion? They're not the same nationality as the king? So where do they fit into the rebellion? Too many strands that are not explained, IMO. - "they’d get rid of Al and make her the new duchess" - Who? The midwife? I'm so confused. - "Not where he might hear" - Who is 'he'? (page 13) - As I read on, it starts to become clearer, but I don't think there's any reason for many of the statements Ive highlighted to be clearer at the time they are delivered. It's not about keeping secrets from the reader, but about engaging them at the start to read the rest of the story. - "but even at his greatest moments of paranoia" - 'in his greatest moments of paranoia', IMO. (page 14) - "only to have his view blocked by R" - Good character moment. R has been a bit ineffectual so far, but this shows him as caring about the boy. These very simple character moments can be so effective in engaging the reader. I'm now hoping the R is in the main story too, some wizened old retainer, no doubt grumpy at the world, but with a heart of gold hidden away. - "no longer holding back tears" - This scene is clipping along at a good pace. Lots of emotion, and an overarching feeling of impending loss. Pretty smooth style. Lots to like about this closing section. - "couldn’t risk listening to without giving in to D's fearful cynicism" - I don't understand this bit. - "three kitchen servants" - Where on earth were they when the palace was falling down and people needed rescuing? - "melting of the barrier" - Issue: it would be much faster to be picking away at the ice, surely, heating up a rod of metal to pierce the casing and let in air. This not rocket science, or any kind of science, just common sense. I can't imagine no one has thought of such an approach. (page 15) - "if you can use the fire spell well enough" - There are other ways to make heat, like in a conventional fire. Light a fire in metal pots and place them around/under the surface of the sphere, etc. I'm not buying their poor application of logic and strategy to the situation. - "And get the girl out of G" - Eh? Why? I thought they were going to accuse he of causing the problem. More confusion. (page 16) - "We will have the midwife set the events in writing" - But, the midwife is in the sphere right? Is she not just a likely to be dead as the duchess? - "won’t use her against Al" - I'm so confused, I don't know how logic leads to these actions. - "He touched the band that still circled his arm" - This, in context, refers to Tre, but it's the duke that has the marriage band. Confusion over pronoun references. - There's good emotion at the conclusion, and I was carried through to the end by the smooth, light and effective style, but I was so confused by then that I had long since given up trying to figure why any of these things were happening. Protect the son was about the only thing that I actually understood, the rest of it I was all at sea with, and so was kind of blocking out. Overall - I think the narrative flows nicely. The style is efficient, and quite effective. The biggest issue I have, I think, is pacing. For me, as a prologue, this is way too long for what actually happens, and the level of detail about all this rubble, etc. is way too specific for a prologue, IMO. To me, it reads much more like a first chapter. - There is a tendency towards the perennial problem of early draft that I'm not engaged with the characters, so why should I care about them being in peril? What do I care whether the duke, or the duchess, lives or dies? Why do I care if Tre manages to rescue them? Okay, ordinary human decency, I get that, but in terms story, nothing really. And this being a prologue, I have to presume I'm not going to be involved with Tre in the rest of the book, so why do I care for all his stress and endeavour now? I'm not saying I don't care, exactly, I'm saying I don't know what my involvement with this chap is. - My biggest issue with the story though is all the extrapolation that goes on near the end about their strategy. There are numerous problems that I have: (1) I don't know really what everyone's motivation is; (2) I don't always know to whom they are referring when they speak about someone in generic male or female pronouns; (3) I don't understand the political or judicial set-up, so I have a hard time understanding the choices they are making, the strategy they are putting in place. In summary, I enjoyed a lot about this, but I think this as a prologue needs to be much simpler, and much, much, clearer; those two things kind of going hand in hand. You don't need to explain the entire set up of the world in the prologue, you only need enough to engage the reader with the story and the characters, all the rest can come later. Thanks for sharing

I think we're talking about how she gets out of the jail in the palace, at least that's what I was referring to in terms of someone interceding.

Comments. Interested to read this, and see how things are developing (page 1) - "it is always a chilling experience" - How would S now? - Lots of different typefaces will put off an editor/reader. Shunn's MS format doesn't exactly cover these sorts of epigraphs and whatnot, but I would strong recommend keeping all the type sizes the same. Sure, use italics, but not different sizes of text, and don't mix fonts like serif and san-serif. Instant rejection from most markets, I expect. - I'm not going to LBL, but there are issue (in stark contrast to). That's the first and last...probably - The name Cha gives me a strong association with Charon, who rows should across the River Styx to the underworld. - "It appeared that he was getting closer" - Who was getting closer, the raider or Cha? - The word "charred" appears three times in the first six lines. That's too much. You're trying to convince editor/agent/publisher/reader that you are a skilled writer. Part of this is showing you know more than one word to indicate burning Also, charred chimes against the MC's name, so there are even more instances of that 'cha' sound in these opening lines. - A living sword that doesn't like senseless violence?! Well, that's unusual. - "was still in the area" - Why is it likely? - "I will have the boys" - <sigh> Okay, to me, this kind of sets the playingfield for gender roles in this story, and not in a good way. It presents a male-dominated world where An is a woman out of place. She becomes 'special' / remarkable because she is a woman in a man's world, in a world where women should not be soldiers, but should be at home, cooking and cleaning. Is that what you were going for? - "staying here a couple days" - Eh?! Why? I'm confused why the raider would stay in the area, which is not good raiding tactics, but even more confused why, suspecting they are close to their target, they stop hunting him and hunker down? This makes not sense to me. - "the others from the Fist..." - Not clear what the FoS is. Also, is 'Fist' in this military context not a straight life from Game of Thrones? Wheel of Time? I'm sure I've heard this term using in fantasy recently and often? - "An had been a pitiful wretch" - Ooh, I was really concerned that the male MC was going to have turned her life around, given her the chance to take control and strike back, because it takes a man to do that, enable le a woman to be strong. You're skirting dangerous ground here. I am on high alert. (page 2) - "so Cha had taken her on as a spymaster" - Oh, carp, you went there. He's the one in charge, of course, without him she would never have amounted to anything. The subtext here is problematic, IMO, outmoded at best. - "the small street" - Streets parent's small. What does that mean? Short? Narrow? Lined with houses two-feet tall? - "he noticed that the figure was carrying a sword" - This figure is terrible at hiding. I think it would be good to call that out, otherwise it feels really unlikely, and quite plot-ful that Cha can see them so easily. - "trying to push her advantage of surprise" - But she has no advantage of surprise; he saw her from miles away. (page 3) - "his voice menacing in the darkness" - This is not in his POV, surely. - "Her wrist snapped from the power" - Hmph. Phrasing like "the blow was far too strong", and the bit about her wrist snapping, I think again come from an unconscious bias that his opponent is weaker because she is a woman. - "A clue, perhaps?" - Do you think so? Feels to me like the sort of blindingly obvious line Inspector Lestrade might offer to Sherlock Holmes. - "gave her a bit of his spit" - Not good phrasing, IMO. it softens, weakens the gesture of him spitting on her dead corpse. If you want this to be gritty--which I think you mentioned--you've got to write it gritty. Like "Cha prodded the body with his foot then spat on the woman's face..." Something...well, gritty. - "He gave a curse under his breath" - I'm LBL-ing, but this goes to style, which goes to grittiness. This sort of phrasing, is very indirect, and therefore less engaging. In this sort of circumstance, why would you not just say 'He cursed under his breath'? Eliminate all unnecessary words (words that don't add anything), is (good) advice from Elements of Style, I think. - "black in the dying fire light" - one word, also, I thought he was standing beside a campfire. I guess it's the light form the burning building, but I was disoriented. - "tried to clean the blood from V's Blade" - Directness is really important, I think, in trying to achieve a gritty feel. Why does he only try, surely he succeeds in cleaning off the blood? It can't be that hard. - "Now where did An get to?" - because of my mindset, I hear a note of reproach for An in this statement, which is completely unfair. (page 4) - "made the fury burn stronger" - This feels like telling to me. There's a lot about him being angry, but he's angry at the assassin, angry at his horse for moving away, angry at An (for no good reason). Okay, these can be manifestations of a deeper rage, but I can't help feeling I'm being told about it, rather than shown it. - Seems to me the sword's name is feminine, but the narrative refers to it by neutral pronouns. Just strikes my ear slightly odd when it occurs. - "running over to him" - Would a man do this? Is this an indication that, secretly, she's madly in love with him? I hope not, because cliché, and gendered one at that. Characters do things differently for a reason, but in matters of gender (and others may or may not comment on this, and are far more well-versed than I at picking these things up) I think the thing is to consider whether a person of the opposite gender would do that, if not, why, or rather why does the narrative expect that person to behave like that. - "as she began to go at it with her needle and thread" - NOOOOOOO!! I don't need to evoke my medical adviser this time (I expect @Sarah B may have something to say, though). The wound has to be cleaned. What if there's dirt or other foreign matter in it, a bit of cloth, anything could cause an infection: go directly to the graveyard, do not pass go. These are the little details that we need to get right or readers will not trust the author to tell the rest of the story. - "sounded like the Cha" - No, wait, what? So, not only is the word charred used three times in the first six lines, and sounds like the MC's name, but it is also the name of the bandit troop? That's just too much, IMO. I'll be playing drinking game bingo by this evening. - "Send a couple scouts to check it out, have them follow until we can find their base of operations" - Okay, you talked about dialogue. I would say up to now it's been...unremarkable. Scans okay, sounds like something a real person would say. The trouble is, it's not entertaining, it's not interesting or surprising. I think the main problem is that the characters always say exactly what the reader would expect them to say. This, as you may know, is referred to be WE are low-hanging fruit. Simply defined, writer writes the first thing that comes into their head. 99 times from 100 this thing is also the least interesting thing in any given situation. The trick is to discard it, throw away that first line and come with another way to say the same thing. Use words you've never used before, use a weird metaphor, do something different, because doing the obvious thing every time is not going to fly. Example (because examples are fun ): [Following comments tagged L for language; T for grit.] (0) - "Send a couple scouts to check it out, have them follow until we can find their base of operations." (1) - "Get two lads on their trail. Let's see where they're skulking." (2) - "Put two trackers on them. I want to know where that bastard sleeps." (3) - "Have Aye and Bee follow that stinking fox to his lair. I wanna piss on him when's he's sleeping." I think the thing to target are word choice, and tone. The dialogue so far is quite neutral, and I think this actually maybe links back to my comment about being told Cha is angry instead of feeling it in his thoughts. - "Tell them to take a week's worth of supplies" - This is too much, IMO. He gives the orders and it's up to others for figure out how to do that. I'm bringing this back to the unconscious bias thing. Does he feel that he needs to tell An how to do this, because she's only a woman and he doesn't trust her to instruct the trackers properly? - "He’s so close that I can almost feel it. We’ll have him soon" - Bah, cliché. Do you read your dialogue out loud? That's a good way to develop an ear for these things, but again, refer to comments about LHF (low-hanging fruit). - "P is in AM still?" - Huh? Wow, just got whiplash from the change in direction of the conversation. Where did that some from? Nobody said anything about P or AM. (page 5) - "We should hear news soon" - How does he know this? Who are the FK? Goodies? Baddies? - "We need to get these to the next town" - He talks about them like they are cattle. That undermines any feeling I've got that he actually cares about these people. - "We’ll need more men if this comes to a fight" - Why? I've got no sense of how many men the raiders have, or how many Cha's men have. Who does Cha work for? Don't the ruling authorities have loads of resources? Without knowing what is going on in the world, I've got no reason to be invested in anyone's aims. Classic case of no investment in character or plot, I'm afraid. Sorry. (page 6) - "we were as quiet as a couple of owls in the night" - Yes, now this is much better. It's a little bit odd, but it provides an image with some interest to it. I can form a picture, imagine then sneaking / gliding around silently. Not sure why the guy smiles sarcastically though, that implies that the were not as quiet as owls. - "Not seen, but heard maybe" - This is not the point. The point is that the scout will be unaccounted for. if they were actually heard, I'd expect them to have been chased. - "We will have to double the watch" - Nope. I've got patience for this guy. I think I'd be happier if An was leading this group. There is a raiding force of 600 soldiers in their country? What use is setting up a few more guards about their camp? If the raider decides to attack them, a minutes' warning will be pretty much useless. Let's say he sends 100 men against Cha. (How many does Cha have?) He's not going to win that battle anyway. I think he needs advance scouts out in the countryside, far from their own camp, so that they can give a lot of advance warning. - "but hopefully we can prevent an open engagement" - The only way they can do that if R wants it is to run away, it seems to me. What is Cha trying to achieve? - "They came for me" - For me, this is the first particularly interesting thing that's happened. It's surprising, and I like that it brings An into focus. The thing to avoid now is having Cha save her. - "Take the rest of the night off" - Really? There is a raiding force of 600 men, they're outnumbered by, what 6-, 8-, 10-to-one, and he's giving them the night off? What are they going to do, go catch a movie? Sorry, I'm being facetious, but it's not even the dialogue here, but the thought behind it. I think the tactical and strategic threads, the decision-making of the characters in a military situation, could do with a review. This goes to the tone of the piece, and how much it feels like these characters are under pressure, scared/concerned/invested in their own situation. - "My entire team was killed besides myself and two others" - (1) 'team'--in this context--is modern-speak; (2) it is patently not the 'entire' team: three people survived. (page 7) - "We will deal with them together" - This makes no sense to me. She's admitted to rebelling again the ruling... whatever it is. He is defending the country from raiders. Surely they are enemies. Has she not just admitted to being an enemy of the state? - "these guys are not f-ing around" - This is modern-speak. - "but he knew he couldn’t say the words" - I don't understand. What do the words mean? Why can't he say them? Unclear. - "went back to his reports" - So uncaring, and dismissive of her. She pours him a drunk (a kind of subservient action) and he doesn't even acknowledge it, let alone say 'thank you'. - I really like that epigraph about the dagger. Having said that, at this point, I don't think that anything I'm going to say from this point on will be much different from what I've said already, or that other will pick. So, I'm going to post these comments, and hope that they are helpful. Overall Dialogue: Low-hanging fruit > cliché. I think I've covered it in my comment pretty thoroughly. It is an issue, you're right, and I hope the comments help. Bottom line, when you right a line of dialogue, replace it immediately with something else, saying the same thing in an interesting way. Plot: Kind of boring. I think it falls into the same category as the dialogue. It feels like the first plot that you thought of. Burning village, chasing the raiders. MC gets attacked and has a fight. Why do I care about any of that? Catching a bad man as main character motivation is not going to carry me through the book, maybe not even the first chapter, because nothing gets me invested in the characters. In summary, I think there are issue with the story. I don't think think the plot elements hold together under much scrutiny, and I'm not involved enough with the characters to be enthusiastically reading on. Sorry to be negative, and I wish you the best with it.

Comments. (page 1) - "her sister’s lack of loyalty" - it's more engaging to describe what does exist, rather than what does not. Something like 'sister's rebelliousness'. (page 2) - "Her burned hands tried to pull her out of the calm ocean" - Sounds weird. Her hands don't have autonomy of thought. They cannot take the initiative. (page 3) - "telekinesis unlocked the manacles" - Why does he need the guard or the keys to open the cell, when he doesn't need the keys to the manacles? - The very short Sue POV is...very short. (page 4) - "That meant the Revolutionaries..." - suggest keeping present tense (means), to be more immediate. (page 5) - Confusion of blocking, in my mind at least. The musicians are within the palace wall. This implies the Ir and the BK are not, since it's implied that, somehow, the musicians are safer than she and the king are. I'm happy enough that the BK would be in some armoury with his troops, preparing to defend the castle, but the revolutionaries would not know that, surely. They must be expecting the BK to be within the palace, and therefore their intention is indeed to breech the palace wall to get at the BK. I guess maybe Ir has not reached that conclusion....yet. - "they made an honest mistake" - Eh? This is delusional. Nobody involved in this story thinks the rebels have made an honest mistake. Ir's smart enough to know that. - "That was family for you." - I think there are too many one-line paragraphs here, and on first glance, maybe going forward as well. (page 7) - "The edges of her wall chipped away" - This sounds slow to me, gradual. Not the kind of effect from a bullet hitting the wall, which would be more violent/sudden. - "wearing black and grey" - Confused, I thought they were going to be blue. Who's wearing blue? (page 8) - BIG ISSUE - "Girl, what’s your name?" - No. You've lost me here. I don't believe that the defenders of the palace are going to gave a mundane rat's a55 about Ir's problems, or her name. At the very best they might try and get her to safety, but otherwise she is just under their feet. Certainly not something they would bother the BK with when he's in the middle of fighting in a battle, IMO. I like the Ir's ability comes into play here, but I'm not convinced by the way it's leveraged. (page 10) - "Protecting the he BK was a priority" - typo. - "The soldier was attacking plunged her spear" - typo. (page 11) - "herding, arresting, the surviving Rev" - one comma too many. - "her sandals soaking in the blood" - Opportunity for an even more dramatic line here if you say 'Tal's blood' instead of just 'the blood'. This is an incredibly powerful moment, and on its own justifies the all that time spent building the strong family dynamic. It's been clear before that both Sue and Ir were right, and they were both wrong too. There's nothing quite as compelling, I think, as showing the reader a conflict between positions that both have merit, and the fact it comes to a conclusion like this (an end, not the end), is really compelling. (page 12) - "Her sandals halted at Ta" - Oh, I thought Ir was standing next to Ta because of the description. - "as the blood spread around him" - I think this--to some degree--is a TV/movie fallacy, especially this long after he was speared. The whole blood spreading thing is vastly over-done, even if it is accurate. However, I will consult my go-to medical authority (What do you think, @Sarah B?) - "There were words that were should said" - typo. (page 13) - "She shushed him like she might have done to a crying Par" - grammar consistency. Trick is to (mentally) try the same verb (shushed) in place of 'done'. - "but Ir never saw" - Kind of a POV 'trick'. If she didn't see it, how did we? - "her fingers likely bruised" - I'm not aware that bruising would make a hand go numb, quite the opposite surely? Medic! (@Sarah B? Sorry, I keep calling on your expertise, like you don't have enough to do, I'm sure ). Now, I may have taken the wrong inference from the wording. I assumed that her hand had gone numb due to it being in the same position, and gripped by Ta for that length of time. If it was some kind go meds that numbed her hand, that would be different, but I didn't get that impression. - "a windy thing of copper and rope" - I always read windy for this, as in Windy City. 'wind-up thing', or 'twisty thing' leave no room for dubiety, I think. Overall Very powerful, emotional and well-handled chapter, IMO. Sure, there are some irksome details, but the emotional punch is quite something. I would say that your story has had a lot of heart from the beginning, but this is some real, heart-wrenching tragedy. A lot of stories have violence, battle, death, but where they fall down (IMO) is that they don't do enough to bring home in the cost of loss and death. I think the take-away for all of us who have issue in this department is that work is needed beforehand so that the violence and battle and death have real emotional and personal (to the character) weight. I suspect we can all think of examples of recent subs where death has been cheap, and therefore has lacked the weight that it deserves. I'm not saying that everyone should (or even can, in the context of their particular story) achieve the emotional weight that there is here, but it's a point we would all do well to mark, IMO. The chapter is also exciting, tense, fast-paced; everything that I want from a chapter this close to the end of the book. Given that there has been a fair bit of trimming preceding, chapter like this will have more promotional weight as a whole, and uplift the whole book, I reckon. Good job. Can you remind me, please, how many chapters are left? This chapter is pretty climactic, but I want (as a reader) to gauge how long I have to go. I feel that Draft 2 had 44 (or 45?) chapters, in which case, actually, I still have about 20-25% to go, which seems like quite a lot considering the rebels have been defeated (it seems).

'Once', you say. I am unfamiliar with the concept of this 'once' that you speak of...

In case anyone thought that @Mandamon's D-verse was a non-contact sport, I can assure you it's not. Just have some friends around you when you go in, to cover you if you roll snake eyes (again)

Yes! I also like this. I imagine it could throw Ir and the BK closer together, if maybe he has to intercede to get her released. Our, maybe Wrm plays a roll in getting her out of the cell, There are numerous possibilities, all or any of which seem to offer the potential for intrigue, and shifting character dynamics.

Same. Too much to hold in the head at one time, as Writing Excuses might say.

You're fine at that level: it's only +1.7%. As a rule of thumb, I tend to ask the question at about +5% (250 words). Below that, it's barely worth thinking about, IMO. When I was in school/uni, I'm pretty sure the benchmark for essay word counts was +/-10%. That's a different sort of thing though, and both are different again from publishing / submission guidelines, of course.

I cannot imagine binning an entire document to start typing again from scratch. All that effort, 100,000 words (whatever) trashed?! Gives me the shivers. But then, I always outline the first 50-75% of my book, and write maybe 5 to 10 pages (sometimes even more) of notes before I start writing the story. Sometimes I write sample scenes too, to get a feel of character voice and dynamics. So, I'm pretty well prepped before I start writing the novel. That way, I never feel any need to bin a whole draft. I think it's all about how much confidence you have in that previous draft, and I like to make sure I've got loads.

Noted. Taking this in tandem with the perfectly reasonable concerns about the election not being wrapped up, I will revisit the tying up of the political thread as a whole in the next edit. Fair comment. I'll wrap that into the point above. It's one of Q proprietary smiles, which all are italicised, but I can understand how this one gets lost, as it does sound like a general internal narrative thought. The whole law enforcement strand is a bit fuzzy, I think it's fair to say, and I know that you've paid particular attention to this for obvious reasons. I am much obliged to you for that. As to the rap sheets, I will address this, honestly I will. In fact... You're right. I'll fix that. Oopsy daisy. Well spotted. Perhaps. And perhaps M feels like B will be a challenge for Q, not being made in 'his' image, but in her's, and there will be two female-identifying entities in the household, rather than two male ones. So, yes. Quite so. I am nothing more than a hopeless old softy at heart. I think I wrote this ending about 70% or the way through the book, and was looking forward to subbing it every day from that point. Yeah, I mean, I could lob it into this one and have a false ending, and... Cool. It was mentioned. I can underline it if necessary. Good point, and I can hang a lantern on this. In fact, I think I will, because it's a well worn trope, after all (I'm too old for this schist, etc.) No, not at all, I'm delighted to receive your thanks . Looking back on it now to answer these last two posts on the closing chapters brings back fond memories of that story, and how much I am itching to return to it, but there's work to do a'forehand. Thank you so much for reading, not just these last chapters, but the whole bally thing. Very much appreciated.

Fair point. I will address that. Yeah. I think maybe part of the issue is that Mor's end happens off-screen, so the reader doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing that face-off. Maybe if that worked differently, then there would not be any feeling of the expecting TOM to appear? I mean, it would be like a showdown at one of Trump's gold courses, it could get nasty, but your wouldn't expect the Orange Goblin to turn up, I don't think. Yeah, noted. Accepted in full. I need to address that better. Ahem, I mean, yeah. This is something that could read better than it does. I will take on board to look at in the next edit. Hmm, yes, will consider. Yes to both of these. Yeah, need to address. Yeah kinda wondered about that too. I need to tag, but it was so the agent could 'confirm' the explosions. I will need to hang a lantern on that, as opposed to the shroud that's thrown over it at present. I think T was in pretty rough shape at the time and can therefore kind of write this off, but I agree that it was emotionally pretty understated. Above my desk I want a sign that says 'Never knowingly understated', but I have to earn it first. Great comments. Thanks, @Silk. As valid and helpful now as ever, since I've done precisely nothing since March apart from write 90% of a new, completely separate, novelette The reality is, I'm not sure when I will get back to this, but I do very much want to finish the trilogy. I think my next move will be to edit W&S, so I have a fantasy novel to try and sell, which I can do to occupy myself while I go back to TMM (Book 1), which I will edit; then on to TCC (Book 2), which I will edit before writing TRR (Book 3). That shouldn't take me much more than 3 or 4 years, I reckon. I think it may be time to put @Snakenaps out of her 'misery' too, by asking her kindly to read TMM (finally)--maybe about March. That should motivate the heck out of me

This is what I used to do, until l started writing my latest project, a novelette. I've been promising myself to try Scrivener for ages, and so I have. I'm on Version 3.1.5 and it does have inline notes, in basically the exact same way as Word uses comments. So, all the parts that would have been separate files, like character notes, plot outline, etc. etc, are now different 'pages' in my Scrivener file. In a way, the difference is quite subtle, but being only one click away from the page that has the plot outline, or reminds me what height the character is, or whatever, is much, much clearer and easier than two or three clicks to switch between separate Word files. I feel that I may never go back, but also have not spent long enough with Scrivener to learn all the deep-seated features.