Robinski

(I'll just drop this here and hope nobody notices it's Sunday evening... Chapter 38 Heh, sort of thought I had loads of time to come back and do this, and then it was the end of the week. (page 9) - "Life didn’t wait for Ir to pull her pieces back together" - I don't like this line. I think it's kind of muddled. Maybe it's just person taste, but I really think this line is not the best it can be. I can't think of a better way to explain it other then through testing the line, so, if it were me (which it's not), I'd probably go something like: 'Life didn't wait for Ir to piece herself back together.' - "bringing along the moon Day and her miniature self, Arr in an endless dance" - missing comma. - "Spring settled into the summer’s relentless heat" - So, isn't that summer then? (page 10) - "B filled with tourists" - Really? I would have said that mass tourism is a modern thing, and since this is a pseudo-historical setting, this sounded odd to me. Some tourists, sure, but filling the streets, outnumbering the natives? Seems unlikely. It's not Mallorca, or Waikiki., maybe - "The liveliness chafed" - Like this line. - "Ir returned to the palace" - word missing. - "seeking some part of normalcy, of routine" - Too complicated, IMO: suggest 'seeking routine, normalcy. - "Home was cold and distant, choking in memories until she couldn’t get out of bed" - Unclear. What or who is choking? Home? No. Home is fine, it's Ir who is choking. The prose in this chapter is really untidy, IMO. - "She avoided the south wing whenever she could" - Confusion. The last place mentioned was home. Home does not have a south wing. I know she is at the palace, but...confusion. I just think the order of the thoughts could be smoother. - "Blame and guilt dug into her skin until Ir panicked, unable to breath, her chest crushing her heart" - (a) guilt is the equivalent of 'self-blame', so this would be tautology unless the reference to blame means blame by other people. Is anyone else blaming her? I'm not aware of that. I know she stayed away from the preparation of the body for cremation, and no one asked her to help, but as far as I can remember, there has been no overt blaming of Ir for what happened by anyone other than Sue; (b) honestly? I found this a bit much, but I think it's the imprecision of the concept. How does the chest couch the heart? The chest does not exert the pressure itself? Where does the pressure come from? If there's a weight on her heart--which I completely accept there would be--where does that weight come from? It doesn't come from her chest. There needs to be an external force, even if it's metaphorical. Neither her chest, nor her heart as the source of the weight. - "Len would cease his jokes" - typo: this doesn't sound like it's as intended. Also, the idea of the friends being all over her like this sounds really annoying, I thought. If she's consumed with grief, my reaction is to think the people being all in her face all the time would be antagonistic. If it's guilt that's consuming her, I would think--psychologically--her brain is telling her she wants to wallow in it by herself. Considering looking at the stages of grief, as set out in many sources. - "Revolutionaries had breeched the palace with" - breached. (page 11) - This chapter, it reads very much as a montage, which obviously is what's intended, and rightly so, I think, as it would take a long time to play these events out in real time. I'm just not sure that it's as engaging as it could be. - "None of them were the same, though, in the year that had passed" - I don't get the sense of this phrasing. Not sure it flows, grammatically. - "and somehow too large for B" - This is odd. Somehow feels like her being big-headed. Whereas, if she thought that Bor felt too small, that would seem reasonable. (page 12) - "one built from a night that a cord of wood failed to be delivered" - passive and wordy. - "Might as well" - This page is not engaging. Nothing is happened and nether character has any real agency, or emotion. Flat. - "Her former master" - Former and current? - "so quit that" - I do like Car, she is grumpy and direct. "like I taught you" - LOL. - "The master and former apprentice" - So, now Car is the master, but Ir is no longer the apprentice? There just seems to be an inconsistency about the nomenclature SUGGESTION: To address the issue with this chapter feeling un-engaging, consider moving the dialogue with Car up front in the chapter, and having the montage interspersed through it. The dialogue is much more engaging than the montage, which is really just a list of thing that happened. (page 13) - "Ir rubbed her hand across the empty cubby" - Sounds like she's trying to clean it. I think this wants a more delicate word, like 'Ir traced the interior of her cubby', or something. Maybe patted, or trailing her fingers. - Too many uses of Ir's name in this chapter, and especially on this page. One or two per page, as appropriate, is plenty, IMO. It's not like there is anyone else in the scene, really. (page 14) - "apparently both have had nervous breakdowns already" - This seems a bit much. If it's meant jokingly--which it must be surely, as I don't believe is for a second in reality (chefs must be queuing up to work at Car's)--it seems out of character for Ir, who I don't think of as a joker. - Also, why has Car had chefs filing in? I thought Ir was back in the kitchen at Car's. Oh, because she's working for the BK, I get it. - "She’d learn how to be content again" - Oh, this took me by surprise. Ir had that yearning before, that feeling of being too big for Bo (see, still think it sounds better if Bo is too small for her). Now she's changed her mind, and then she's going to change it back again. That's like three changes in the one chapter, seems like flip-flopping, lack of commitment. - "as soon as Ireen walked through the doors, the cupidine was already scowling" - Don't need both of these. Sounds cluttered. (page 15) - "Pay would be twenty percent more" - (a) I don't doubt that they have percentage in such pseudo-historical times, but it still sounds modern. Whereas, if you say something like 'a fifth more', it sounds more in period, I think; (b) +20% doesn't sound like much of an incentive. In essence, she would be working two jobs, arguably three. I think, to paraphrase the immortal words of Don Vito Corleone, he should make her an offer she can't refuse, like 50% more, 100% more (I presume the cost of living is more in the Math capital, for some reason). I think there is merit in shocking the reader a bit in this moment. +20% on a low number is still a low number. Even though we're at the end of the book, in fact, especially because we are at the end of the book, the reader wants as many 'wow' moments as they can get. - "You could be able to receive letters from your family weekly" - tautology: only need one of these. 'could receive letters' is fine. 'be able to' is passive, IMO. - "paid leave of absence" - This is a modern thing, IMO. I think unpaid leave is more likely in pseudo-historical times, if anything. - "surprisingly tempting" - This is modern interview-speak (Sorry, still raw, I guess ). (page 16) - "remembering when the BK wasn’t in B" - hand't been in Bo, IMO. - "who will ensure Math laws are withheld in my absence" - Typo: upheld. - "although you may give your answer at any time" - Cut: unnecessary. Having two months to decide clearly implies the decision can be made at any time. - "She stepped out of his office, her heart breaking" - Nope. There is no emotional build-up to this moment, so I don't think you get to slap an emotional zinger on the end. As noted earlier, Ir flip-flops between maybe going, maybe staying, in these two chapters, but there isn't much emotional weight to that. There is no sign at all during her conversation with the BK that she's having a strong emotional reaction until, very suddenly, at the end. Overall I think this chapter is kinda weak. I think it needs to be way tighter. There are good potential emotional notes, but it needs cutting and rearranging, IMO, to sharpen it up and deliver those important emotional beats near the end of the story. One to go? Wow, how far we've come! Thanks for sharing

Yes. I was pretty much just trying to make the point that I don't think that's completely clear from the first chapter. It may be in there, but it's kind of jumbled up, and there is so much else going on that it doesn't really stand out as being clear, and underpinning this society (pretty much?). I think there are certain things one can just come out a 'tell' the reader, and be quite unequivocal about. I'm not sure that's the case here.

This background strikes me as being quite complicated and nuanced. Like any aspect (plot, promises to the reader, themes, major character motivations), I think the important thing is to get the most fundamental pieces of information in front of the reader as soon as possible Form a foundation for the reader. In one of the WE podcasts recently, I think it was Dan who quoted another author giving advice (Stephen King? Not going back to my notes at this point), which was they looked for in a story as a reader was having somewhere to stand from where to contemplate the rest of it. So, a foothold in the story. Considering this religious aspect of world-building, I think this would be the fact to get across to the reader in the first chapter, or maybe the prologue. It seems to be the central aspect of the whole religion There are two gods, male and female, and they have these (assigned) characteristics, followed by the fact that there are other gods, but they do not need explanation at the beginning, probably just a note that there are others. It appears to me that all of religion flows from this central fact, and this is the fact that the reader should be 'told' at the start.

Hail to the Crit. - I think wrinkling would be the least of her clothing's worries at this point. Nice feeling of aftermath in this opening paragraph. - "go to the dormitories" - Suggest 'run to the dormitories', has more passion and energy. She might even--to play up the romance angle--consider that she's running to J. - "a family grounded ground so firmly into the dust" - "...fall into the sea" - awesome line. Love how it evokes an image of the city itself. Do cliffs splinter? I would think maybe they crack. - "The tears rushed down her face" - I'm a big fan of 'streamed'. It's pretty much a cliché, but darn it that's because it's true, that's what tears do, they stream (IMO). - "attempted a sneak attack through a secret entrance" - They succeeded in attacking the palace. I would make this more definitive. 'The revs attacked through...' - "In three days the imprisoned Revolutionaries would announce their choice" - I don't think the revs would get to make any announcements themselves, which is how this is worded. - "his mother imprisioned" - typo. - "The curls that T once had" - I think the italics here are too heavy-handed. The reader knows he's dead. That's all we're talking about presently. N italics required, IMO. - "everyone guessing when the grandparent would reincarnate" - Lovely touch of world-building. I think throughout this book, you have very nicely balanced the amount of world-building so that there almost never felt like there was any info-dumping. Certainly in relation to the setting. There was the chapter about the charms, etc. - "Apparently, he was had been forced to climb through" - IMO. - "Each of them wore the colors of fire — red and orange" - No yellow? - "their cries sounded hollow" - But surely you don't cry to celebrate life? I feel like there is a disconnect here. - "before A stood to speak" - confused. Surely the order of the ceremony is set down. This sounds like folk can just interrupt. This sounds like he butted in, IMO. - "he died believing in what he fought for" - This sounds kind of arse for elbow. The more conventional expression is fighting for what he believe in. I don't think this version sounds right, it implies that there was a time that he didn't believe in what he was fighting for, I think. - "Ir had done nothing but facilitate T's death" - I would not change this line, but wow, it's harsh on herself. Way harsh. - "a palm-sized tablet of clay and ashes" - Okay, so this is not his whole ashes, because the human body produces way more ash then that. I know this from climbing part of a mountain to scatter my Dad's ashes, and from scattering half my father-in-law's ashes in the harbour at Cruden Bay. So, this is just a symbolic amount of ash? - What are all the extra lines spaces here? I confused as to the run of time here. - Knowing what I know in terms of our offline discussions about future stories/books, Sue's decision here... It's powerful stuff. A fairly large part of me hopes that she will find redemption. - "to learn how to co-exist" - This sounds like the natives co-existing with each other, which doesn't seem right. It's an interesting question though. How many of the the 'invaders' have some to Bo with their families? Are trying to integrate into the local community, and how many are retainers, on Math staff and living in the palace, apart from the local population? My sense is that all the Math invaders are living in the palace, because none would dare trying a occupy a house on the street, and be a part of the local community. - "I said my goodbyes" - I started into the this scene confused why the whole family would be invited. Then I thought that Ir was going in alone, then I didn't understand why the others were still here, until Ir speaks this line. I don't think there is any reason to keep the reason for the visit from the reader. I think clarity on the reason at the start of the scene would make things clearer. - "just as it ought to be" - It strikes me that this is a situation that is completely abnormal, certainly in Ir's experience. I presume that neither she now any of her family or friends her even been in the palace under the rule of the old king, and therefore that the palace being 'full of life' is something that she has only experienced in the last few weeks. - "familiar tapping of leather against tile" - Odd expression: I did not associate this with footsteps at all. - "Ir crashed into them" - This must be a typo, right? 'him', right? Also, 'crashed' is not a happy word here, IMO. It sounds more like a word from a sword fight. "Okay, Robinski, so what would your suggest, genius*?" Eh, fair question. Surged? Dashed? Rushed? Swept? Ran? I just think there are many better words than crashed, which is what cymbals do. (* - extreme irony intended.) - "Letting her shatter" - I don't think this is sufficiently momentous to get it's own paragraph. It's more unexpected if it comes at the end of one, IMO. - "J, how can this ever get better?” J He put both hands on her shoulders and squeezed" - repetition of name too close, I think. I'm going to post this up because it's a convenient break point for me. Overall I thought this chapter was really effective as a sequel to the previous chapters and previous events. There's real emotion, and some of it is hard to read. Some authors don't show the scene of someone being told their son/daughter/husband/wife/partner/whatever is dead, as if they don't have the nerve to play through the emotions, so I think you get significant kudos for that. Also, it leads to this scene between Ir and J which is very, very satisfying, in my opinion. Well done. The trick them becomes where do you go from here, but there are still things to be resolved, so I'm fine with there being another chapter or two before the end. I mean, if it's good enough for Tolkien...

And you're absolutely 'allowed' to have slow scenes, yes. A scene of Is getting ready for the ball could be cute and engaging when we know her, and are invested her as a character, but that's a lot of reader goodwill to stock up in a couple of pages of knowing her before the dress chat starts. Err, so she's the older sister? Heh, well that explains some of the other comments. How on earth could someone who's 19 look 13?! <exploding head emoji> It's sounds glib to say, but that's why we are writers (don't) get paid the big bucks, to work that stuff out Seriously though--and again, it sounds glib--go into the scene with a list of things you want the reader to know, but not a long list, maybe three facts about the situation in the world? I mean let me try and figure out how many strands there are, and how I feel about them: 1) - someone wants to change the laws; - It's a good conflict, and feeds into the king being in conflict with neighbours, and internally, and provides the queen with something to be active with in helping him. Feeds into 5). 2) - some big power has annexed a small nation; - Interesting in itself, but seems to me it doesn't feed into this scene. They talk about it in great detail with loads of names, but it doesn't affect their actions in any way. I think this could be moved to a later scene, perhaps the party/ceremony itself, to provide a shot of conflict? And when it does come in, I bet it can be streamlined to reduce the numbers of names flying at the reader. 3) - the cousin is a disruptive influence; - The strand about cousin is good because it fleshes out the family, provides a conflict and a mini-antagonist, gives us a physical description of Is that happens in an organic way. You can only have characters look in a mirror so many times... 4) - the reclusive duke is coming to town; - I think this is a vert important link to the Prologue and, if anything, might even mention a name or two from the Prologue to help connect the reader to it. 5) - mother is sourcing illegal(?) texts; - I like that this links back to Ron, and it does tell us things about world. It does not though seems essential to anything that happens here, but neither is it especially distracting. I reckon it's a harmless addition, and helps fill in the family ties. 6) - order of succession is discussed; - This doesn't seem relevant here. I know it's an aside, but it's something else for the reader to think about. Second (third) opinion needed, I think, but seems to me it might be deferred to the party, when some of the people will be present, and therefore makes sense it would be more in mind? 7) - magic is illegal (from Prologue, fine), IMO; 8) - rule of the mages was cut short (from the Prologue, fine), IMO. Hey, that's what we're here for. No problems here. Not that I know of!! I've been through the same, so don't even think about it. All you can do is give it your best shot and sub your chapter. If you decide you want to edit the next one in advance of subbing for the previous week's comments, that's up to you, but don't feel obliged to. Sometimes it's easier to store up comments and do a full edit. Up above, I'm not saying completely delete certain threads for the chapter. If Is is talking to Queen Mom about the state of the world, revealing that X has annexed Y makes total sense, if it's common knowledge, but the queen can easily brush it off, requiring Is to get the details from someone else later. There are always thoughts (and not much in the way of filters...), but I'll be interested to hear what the others think.

Comments. I haven't read the specifics as I prefer not to be influenced by hints and underlying reveals about the format or content (page 1) - "that it brushed over the complexities" - What is 'it'? Unclear. - "He still stood by the idea, though" - What idea? There has been not clear statement of any idea. The opening line is not a definitive question, it's open, unresolved. - "a good enough truth" - Vague: good enough for what? Good enough how? And still not clear what this truth is. - "He was quite clear about that" - This threw me, I thought it referred to the MC, but I guess it means her father? (page 2) - "She was tempted to reach out to touch the bird" - I'm waiting for this bird of prey to take a chunk out of her. - "when it would take off" - passive: get rid of 'would'. 'when it flew away' or something, is more direct. - "the gust that its wings blew over her" - Really? I think this thing would need to be five feet tall for that to be much of a thing. I do not know this, though. Never been that close to a bird. - Who shouted at her? Sort of surprised that didn't become more of a thing. - "When she was content that she seemed calm" - really passive and almost not in her POV at all. Vagueness is not compelling. - Eh? Where did the maid come from. Oh, was she in the room? Is that who spoke? Why did the princess react to the call by being afraid to look down, suddenly, if the maid was in the room? (page 3) - "I won’t risk your sister’s blessings" - Confused, how would the maid do anything to risk the blessings? - "something she only remembered to do when she was flustered" - Nice character note. - "a final check of the evening’s gown" - I would say in my years on RE, I've read about a dozen stories that start like this, in preparation for a ball or some other ceremony, focusing on one of the participants. It's not the most gripping or involving of openings. I'm not saying every story needs to start with a car chase or--gods forbid--a fight , and your's does start with an exciting/action-packed scene in the form of the prologue, so this plays a bit as a sequel to that. What I'm saying is that I feel like my story brain is puttering in neutral waiting to be engaged. - "For once, Is didn’t resent her maid’s enthusiasm. Ceremonial responsibilities would excuse her from aimless chitchat before the dancing began" - I'm noticing a pattern emerging in the narrative, I think, which is paragraphs starting with reference to one person, only to switch to another, but my brain is still tracking the first. Like here, I don't really follow the comment about the maid, but I'm thinking about the maid when I read 'her from aimless chitchat, so I assume the maid is being excused. The same thing caught me out on page 1, when I thought the gender had switched. - No, I'm really struggling with this now. In this one paragraph: (1) the maid's enthusiasm; (2) ceremonial responsibilities; (3) a traditional gown--these things are not clearly connected to each other, or following from each other, IMO. It's a stream of consciousness that lapse into a discussion about fashion trends. I would put the book down at this point. There are no stakes presented, there's is basically no character motivation; no real conflict; there's nothing to make me feel involved in the story. The bird was passingly interesting, if it had gone somewhere (the thread, obviously the bird went somewhere). (page 4) - "the girl" - Numerous instances of the maid being referred to as 'the girl'. This is really throwing me off because, in this scenario, the princess is the girl. She's 13. The maid, presumably, is older and therefore much less of a girl than the princess. - "they weren’t flirting with Princess Is" - Huh? Wait, I'm confused. But Isr is the underage daughter, surely? - "Now that Al would be seventeen" - contradiction, surely. It was stated that Al was two years older. - "mug of tea" - Mug strikes me as a modern concept. Did Henry VIII have mugs of tea? (page 5) - "determined to resign yourself to some political marriage" - This maid does not speak like a maid, in terms of her vocabulary for one, but also having the nerve to give a princess advice about who she should marry? I would imagine the king would throw her out if he heard such talk. Highly presumptuous. - "to stave off anticipatory restlessness" - grammar. The adjective is unnecessary, verging on tautology. In staving off restlessness, it's presumed that you have already anticipated it. Therefore, the adjective is redundant. - "to call her down this morning" - Weird. Does she not normally come down in the morning? - "The library was nearly empty" - Vague. It would be more interesting and involving to say 'there were only two people in the library', or something like that. Vagueness, and lack of certainty turn the reader off, IMO. - "painfully aware of the sound of her slippers on the rug" - I can't imagine that would make any noise at all. Soft on soft. (page 6) - "when she’d gotten tired of constantly sending servants back and forth between the library and the royal suites" - Does she not still have to do that? Not sure about the thrust of this comment. (page 7) - "He had gotten the advantage of almost-average height" - This is not a pretty word; sounds ugly in the flow of narrative. This is a setting of culture and a young lady who has been trained in social skills, educated above the level of a person-on-the-street, I presume. I'd expect her to use a word like 'received'. Also, how is average height an advantage? Average is like the very definition of someone with no advantage at all. - "said impatiently" - Why is she impatient? (page 8) - Info dump; too many names, bring shutting down. - "a peaceful transfer of power" - How was that then, if they've 'taken' it? What happened? Where the Cag invited in to take control? The queen doesn't seem very worked up about it. (page 10) - "We just don’t have enough information to make a reasonable argument" - I have no idea what's going on. For me, there is just too much information too quickly. All those names of places and people, they are no all needed here, in Chapter 1. I would suggest cutting as much as possible to retain some sense of the issue at hand, the expansionism of Cag, presumably. Having said that, the more immediate issue seems to be the drive for revision of the laws, but why? What laws? What are the issues? Without knowing such things, I'm pretty much unable to be involved in the discussion. - Where are the mages? Geographically? Are they still a nation? Who represents them? I just don't understand the set up. - "I don’t like being on this side of it" - What side is that? - "I doubt an argument would hold much weight if it came from outside sources" - Argument about what? (page 11) - "something to help us in the meantime" - Help how? I don't understand the stakes, the character motivations. - "Duke of Tra" - So, this is the boy from the prologue, who's father died under the rubble and mother died in the bubble, isn't it? I remembered something! - "fussy old adviser" - And this will be either the secondary character, or the one who got the previous duke out of the rubble, presumably. Overall There is a lot of detail in this chapter on politics and geography that seems to come in a big rush of a couple of pages that was just way too much to digest. Consider novels like The Fellowship of the Ring, and The Eye of the World. They do not rush into spilling out loads of detail about Gondor, or Tear (for example), but spool details out only when needed, or maybe in passing if there is nothing else detailed going on and a bit of foreshadowing is needed (e.g. Bilbo's mithril shirt, and some mention of the last homely house). That sort of thing is doubly frustrating when the first several pages are really quite slow. The biggest issue though is that I have no idea of character motivations, personal or overarching arc stakes. There is talk of conflicts, yes, but only in the last three or four pages, and overloaded with all those names to the point that I can's sensibly extract what's going on. Most importantly though, there are hints at what the characters think about these things, but it's really not clear, IMO. I don't know what laws the other parties want to change, why it's important or how the main characters feel about that. I think this needs to be simplified, and the clarity needs to be dialled up based on fewer facts, and character goals/stakes that I can understand and embrace. Under all that the narrative flows pretty well, and there is not much in the way of LBL comments, but that tends to be hidden behind what I think is a lack of clarity in the message, and what is being conveyed. Footnote: I presume that the princess will fall in love with the difficult, brooding young duke but, in the first instance they will fall out, argue, get each other's back up before being thrown together by circumstances and end up together.

Agree. Sounds good. Yes, spot on, I think. My first thought on this is that it has the potential to make the Revs seem really naive. Surely they must ask themselves why is Cr willing to help us? What's in it for them? There will be convincing ways to handle that, of course, but I think it's a question I would want to see some sort of answer to on the page. Not really, no. Yes, it certainly does

This sounds fascinating. When can I read it, please? You aren't late. I have incorrectly set up the BK three times now. It's something I'm continually warring with. I wonder if it's a simple as having one really dark episode that happened during the invasion where, in actual fact, it was not the BK's fault, but it's tarred his name and that of his rule with this reputation. Let's say for example, someone screwed up with target of some cannon's (spitballing here) and they blasted a school full of children to pieces. That's the sort of thing that would taint a leader even though he had nothing to do with targeting those cannon, which would be down...not even a general, or necessarily a colonel, but like a major, captain, whatever. Even that captain might be innocent in the sense of if it was a rangefinder who misidentified a building, or got their distances wrong, or whatever. All the facts become irrelevant because of the result, and the BK is (in this example) branded a ruthless child-killer. Just s thought. I would be cautious about going too far the other way. Remember, his is the monarch, he's not going to put up with reacting to Ir all the time. He calls his own shots, if she tests him too much, he simply would dispense with her, IMO. In working for a ruler, she will have to react; in having a sister as hot-headed as Sue, she will have to react; in being a person who is thoughtful and considerate of the folks around her, she will not ride roughshod over their wants and needs, but will tend to react to their situation, IMO. An active character does not need to stop being reactive to avoid being passive. Everyone reacts to something, sometimes. It's a balance, IMO, and I think you are close to getting that balance right. In a battle, as in the chapter when the rebels attack the palace, someone like Ir is not going to get to set the agenda, she will be forced to react to how thing play out. Too weird, much too weird. Personally, I would not necessarily want the Revs to take over the story completely. I think the first chapter is a good introduction: it's good to see normal before the story starts to 'wreck' the MC's life. Having the plot grow over the first few chapter would make it more organic. I know you are talk about the Revs here, and not necessarily the plot, but I still wanted to drop this comment. For what this is worth (so not much then), when I'm taking critique, I tend (in broad terms) to make the smallest change that I can while still making the change, in case I go too far and break a particular strand, or beak the idea/tone of the book. Not saying that here as such, because I know you've done a lot from Draft 2. I like the level of change you're making in this draft from the previous. I think that's a good degree of change while still maintaining the ethos of the story. Nice work For me, just expressing an opinion (which is my superpower, as you now know... ), I think having it look like a realistic possibility that the rebels could take back the city from the Math army might be a bit much. The resources and weapons they would need would be huge. But of course that does not mean that can't throw everything into chaos, rouse the population in general and have a new rebellion--still, the loss of life would be huge, and they still might not succeed. I think having them look competent in their planning to take out the BK is the key, as you outline here. It's exciting to contemplate this upgrade.

I thought about this too, but some of the news stories of late highlighted how some of the men who stormed the capital said goodbye to their families and didn't expect to come home. But some women were SHOCKED they got tear gassed. So maybe S's reaction is in fact very spot on. I'd still like I to like hard core call her on it. Great comments here, and I agree with a lot of this. I'd still like to see the revolutionaries get close to killing the BK. Like, a crossbow bolt winging him, getting him in the shoulder, something like that. And also, as noted here, I'd like to see the revolutionaries building towards their attack, for example just a handful if little vignette paragraphs here and there of some Rev who is a crack shot with a crossbow. Maybe the Revs have even hired them in or something. Doesn't need to add a whole lot of words, or even another character because they could be quite anonymous. Something to really ramp up that tension at the end.

Reading Excuses has a F-cebook page. Here's something I put up today for some inspiration. https://www.facebook.com/readingexcuses/posts/3718696331509692

If this scene was in the main body of the story, it could and would be very tense as they would be fighting to save characters who we know and are invested in, and the stakes would be feeding directly into the main plot. There's not much wrong with the scene, IMO, most of the issues come from the fact it's in a prologue. Also, always glad to be of help. Directness is our business. ( @kais, fire up the T-shirt machine ).

Honestly, I think must of this can be cut. You easily could sum it up in two of three lines, like ' Tre struggled, levered and tugged, but couldn't free the Duke. Finally, help arrived in the form of Dw and, together, one levering, one pulling they battled against the debris until, choking dust and moaning in pain, the Duke was free at least.' - Cheesy example, but you can still convey the effort, the difficulty and the extent of the injuries without all the 'action' which is pretty much irrelevant to the story proper. Unless the events directly impact the main plot, I think most of what happens in the prologue can be told almost in montage format and, as @kais says, that easily could be in flashback/recollection from the MC in the full narrative of the story. It's by no means a major component of the Dresden stories, but does spears in several of the books, where relevant. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weregild

While that's an interesting idea, however I fear for the scenario where the reader is confused who is being talked about, especially since Lil would be another 'she' in the scene, and Wr would be another 'he', so there would be plenty of scope for confusion. It's a tricky thing, no doubt about it. And there's a door to get under the bleachers? That's the step I'm missing. Seems a bit plush for bleachers, are they not usually open? I guess I'm thinking of fold-away bleachers maybe. I get no sense of victory from this scene. All JJ did was lose the for an instance, but it will be easy enough for them to find JJ again. I did not assume anything was over at this point. I'm very keen to read the rest. Do we get this this Monday? (Please!)

Ooh, yes, @Sarah B. I think MRK has touched on that in the We podcasts once of twice. Good point.

Hurray! I love discussing titles I like the first one, actually. It tells me there's a stowaway, and there's an academy (so, I get some setting too). It also implies the sort of story, I think, in terms of having an educational setting, which I think gives the expectation of the reading even as well. Because why would you write a story about an academy if the pupils weren't at the heart of it? I'm going to pile through this because I'm running our of week already and just have so much to do, so, no LBLs (hurray?). (page 1) - Love it. Cracking voice, loads of attitude, but consistent, believable, proportionate. I think 'Wr' works very well for the name change. Star gra: LOL! (page 2) - "New Stars A" - Bit cheesy as names go. I think this tends to undermine Star gra-, which I really like. This name sounds like low-hanging fruit to me. - "cheek presses against mine" - So intimate, love it. - "I am going to melt if they don’t stop touching me, and but I'm certainly going to die if they do stop" - I demand this edit!! . This line is perfect if only it would stop with the last word as 'do', because that would perfectly echo the 'don't' from earlier in the sentence. Also needs but, to highlight the opposing of stopping 'but' not stopping. The rhythm of this line is excellent. - "I don’t know how many hells there actually are" - Nine circles, on authority from Dante. - "green-tinted hands" - Huh? Explain please. - "My help?" - Okay, some stakes. Almost two pages in, but I have no problem with that, because I was soaking up the voice of the MC, and learning something about the setting/world. (page 3) - "Whatever sayings mean I will do anything for them apply to me." - Cut. The previous line is perfect, all that stress of those familiar saying, flowing like lyrics. This following line just explains something that doesn't need explaining. - "if you get caught" - Ahem, 'we get caught'? Or is this a massive set up that Ar has just given away? - "<name of fungus?> experiment" - Don't change this! I love it! - "I would never see Ar again" - IMO. (page 4) - Yes, to Part 1. Yes, a hundred times, yes. This is great stuff. I have a completely convincing portrait of a teenage crush, I can practically see the sparks. - "my academic status" - educational status, I think. To me, academic status is something the teachers have, like tenure, etc. - "sits on an overturned bucket" - ROFL : Oor Lully!! A Glasgow / Scottish institution! Seriously though, this is an important moment. All this is being done for the stowaway, and I really need to believe here why these two (Ar and JJ) are risking expulsion to help this person. I want to see what is special about this person. This is the stakes of the whole story. This is a critical moment. - "mix of human and and--" - stop the bus. Human and what? What's all this about? Does this matter for the story? Are the anchovians, and the fact of these characters being mixed species(?) going to play a part, a functional part, in the story? If it doesn't, I would question why it's there at all. Can this bit be cut and the story stay the same (functionally)? If so, I don't think this should be in, but I need to wait a see. - "Blankets fall off of Li" - This has no functional purpose. We talk about words doing double duty, this doesn't even do single duty. - "What do you think is the best time to move her?" - This is a really weak line to end a section. Really weak. I suggest just cutting it. Also, I don't really have the explanation of why it is imperative for Ar to help Li. I know why JJ is doing it, but not why Ar is going it. I can just about let go the fact that I don't know why anyone would need to stowaway in the first place, but is that not a question that someone should ask? I can see why JJ wouldn't ask it out loud, but would they not ask it internally? And Ar must have asked it, but it seems we're not going to be provided with that answer, yet. So, Lil is something of a McGuffin then. Okay, I'll decide later if I'm outraged by this. (page 5) - "It was the most chaotic time" - tense shift: I think 'It's the most chaotic time' would be more appropriate. Also, "were weakest". - "freaking idiots" - Totally confused by this sentence. I have no context for this. Is this a school for homicidal kids then? - "and for thinking I’m one" - An idiot, a kid or a homicidal maniac? Very confusing around here. - "Her stare is pleading" - I have a hard time buying into this, because I don't know why she's hiding. Because I don't have any real sense of personal stakes, it undermines the whole thing. All that emotional investment that I built up in the first scene is frittering away by the paragraph. JJ has to question why they (Lil) are doing this, internally, but they have to question it, IMO. (page 6) - "He is much better behaved now" - WHOA!! Hang on, stop the bus. I'm assuming the JJ is non-binary, because the pronoun statement back at the start fo the journal sets that up. What, then, is this 'he' thing? - Okay, we get the explanation for why Lil is running, and I like that it's linked to JJ, that's ideal. Do I need it to come a bit sooner...I don't know, to be honest. - The dialogue tags--asked, said, etc.--are in past tense, but the narrative is in present. I think these should be 'asks, says, etc.' (page 7) - "But gods, so I have questions" - grammar? Seems off. - "Mom has already eaten my tree" - Now, I know this line can't be right...right? - 'Big' is not the most compelling of adjectives, especially not when used twice in a row. (page 8) - "was hollow for storage" - is hollow. I won't tag tense errors any more, but there are plenty. - "Why did you not check it before bringing Lil" - But there was no opportunity, surely. They just came straight here, didn't they? - Why can't Ar think of a hiding spot or two? (page 9) - "We just need to get her there, unseen" - The tension is pretty reasonable, since the stakes are high (getting eaten). I just wonder, or rather am starting to hope, that the stakes will be ramped up. There isn't really an antagonist in the story. Okay, some religion on a planet light years(?) away, but that is not very immediate. I can't help feeling that, if the school authorities caught Lil, JJ and Ar would be able to reason with them that the girl's fate was to be sacrificed, and that the school then would act to protect Lil. I'm also prepared to believe that the children would not think that way, but I'd like maybe more of a lantern hung on that, OR to have a physical antagonist in the station with the. Since we're only about half way through the story, I'm prepared to accept that we might still get a physical antagonist, but it will need to be soon to get the value from it, I think. - Ha, ha. Okay, LOL, maybe we do have a physical antagonist, and just in time. - "forty-nine hells" - The number going up is effective, but I'm starting to wonder why always the next number ending in nine. Many other numbers are available. - "Go in the back" - I think I see what's coming. (page 10) - "when they opened the door" - (1) tense again. There are loads of tense slips; (2) Also, I'm confused by the blocking. I thought they had come into the gym already. Where is this other door?; (3) This is exactly what I was expecting, so that's satisfying, because I got to anticipate JJ's reaction before it happened. - "I literally swoon" - I mean this literally means to faint, unconscious (usually). But JJ is not literally fainting, are they/he? - "I’m okay with you touching me" - Whose line it this? Not obvious, IMO. - "I have no boundaries" - Whose line? Need tags of some sort. - "shove me up against the door" - I don't understand where the door is, and how can Wr open the door if they are pushed up against it? Blocking is an issue for me in this location. (page 14) - "doesn’t actually kill anyone" - I don't understand here. Antidote? What antidote? (page 15) - "We’ll meet there" - Where? How can they meet in a TV show? Confused. (page 16) - The cat and the beasts, these come over a kind of comical to me, in a way that I think undermines the tone of the story so far. There's good tension and good stakes, and I've got my physical antagonist now, which is ideal, but these details lend this part a kind of ridiculous tone, I think, in way that more plausible aliens would not. - "Get to sneak out of camp" - Really don't need to justify this comment about JJ's ability to run. Because the image is making me laugh already, any justification seems to just stoke my incredulity. - "hurry to the rendezvous" - This last bit, the ditching of the goons, seems a bit easy. I though something was going to happen with the droids. Overall I'm really enjoying this. usual editing issues, but I think I've said all I need to above, and it is mostly details. Good job

I wanted to share with yous some notes that I made at the Glasgow SF Writers Circle festive reunion in December, my idea being to provide a little bit of motivation, maybe a smidge of insight from some established SFF authors, writing 'coaches', a renowned games writer, and maybe a talking point or two, and possibly even to pitch out there the suggestion of doing something similar in 2021 for RE alumni (for discussion). All the folks quoted are either current, on-hiatus or lapsed members of the GSFWC. (Also, my quotes are not exact, but paraphrase the intent.) Gary Gibson, established SF author of The Shoal Sequence and the Apocalypse Duology, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1442754.Gary_Gibson > The people who succeed (as authors) are the hardcore obsessives who just keep going and refuse to give up. For me, this is probably the more important take-away from the whole open forum discussion, which is as completely simple as it sounds: Always be writing. Always be critiquing and revising and submitting your work to markets. Never. Give. Up. I am not yet good enough a practicing this, but I have at least started subbing my work out, and work on writing everyday. Still don't write enough though. GG - The best way to become a better writer is to teach or explain it to other people. Gary is a book doctor, among his various writing activities, and therefore knows whereof he speaks. He also noted that a lot of the books he gets to doctor are first novels. Does this imply that people improve enough not to get their second novels doctored? Or maybe that a lot of people give up at that stage? Unknown, but I think it does feed back into this point about striving to improve our craft through learning, critiquing, discussing and supporting each other. Bill King, spectacularly prolific author of over 100 novels, the majority tying-in to the likes of Warhammer; Warhammer 40k; World of Warcraft, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/48348.William_King > Looking for things that don't work (in critiquing) is quite counterproductive, looking for things that do work--strengths and positives--is important. Others on RE are better at this than I am, I fear. I will try to do better at that, but, I think it has to be said that allowing shortcomings to go uncommented would not necessarily do the submitter any favours. Hal Duncan, author of the Scruffians books, including Vellum and Ink, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/143699.Hal_Duncan. Hal is also a book doctor > He noted often falling in love with works that he was doctoring when they come from a place of love and passion (for the subject). I'm sure we all would say this about our work, but I wonder sometimes if any of us ever have a feeling like we know we want to write, but maybe 'this novel' we're working on isn't the one we really, in our hearts, want to be writing. Do we always love it enough to come back to it and edit it, and then edit it again, and workshop it, alpha read it, edit it again, and again, then submit it, over and over? It's probably a question we all should ask ourself every so often. HD - Felt that 'so many times' he found that a novel went wrong in some way in the early stages, and that problems rooted in an early misstep are carried all the way through, that avoiding a wrong turn near the start, or correcting one, can result in many things falling into place. Well, that's what RE is here to help with. More on that later... GG - Tend to find that people who are successful (as writers) cluster together in support groups, i.e. writing groups. This is not perhaps yet one for RE (although we are fortunate to have @kais, @Mandamon and @shatteredsmooth in our ranks as published SFF authors). I think an important thing to take from this comment though, is that writing groups evolve, and less experienced authors do (over time and with commitment, I think) garner valuable industry experience from those who have gone before, and know whereof they speak in relation to the industry, and what works in certain markets. We must also hope that as we all continue to work, and through the efforts of those who stick around in the group medium to long-term, RE can grow like the GSFWC has over 34 years now, to feature some established SFF authors. I always think it's really interesting that the Writing Excuses crew (I refer to 'founders/shapers' Brandon, Mary, Dan and Howard) still talk about being in their respective writing groups (I think maybe Brandon and Dan are still in the same group), even after the success that they have had to varying degrees. This rolls nicely back into GG's original point here about successful people clustering together. BK - talked about the role that luck plays, about meeting the boss of Games Workshop at a convention, getting a job and getting into tie-in fiction from there. He noted how he 'stuck at it till he succeeded. I think this is a message that rolls back (again) into the first point here; refusing to give up. He went on to say that 'if you are going to buy lottery tickets (extending the writing analogy), you might as well buy lots', i.e. keep writing; write a thing; then write another thing while you are critiquing, alpha reading and subbing your first thing; always be writing something new; thinking of the next project. BK - also used the phrase 'put yourself about'. I think that leads on to a whole other discussion about having a profile; experiencing different things like cons; and writing groups (maybe!); and forums; submitting to different markets in different forms (I guess), like short and novels, novellas, maybe flash. His point being you never know where you will find your break or your route into what you want to do. I also like Bill's closing remarks in summation of the message from this open discussion on 'advice to new and developing (unpublished) authors'. BK - reckoned that, in heading out to a frontier, trying to do something different (in our work), there is pressure to say and do certain things (and I took the context to mean in terms of how to develop a career), and he cited social-media. He said 'don't always listen to received wisdom'. What I took from that is that this is not a one-size-fits-all situation, and routes to publication that work for some will not work for others. Taking Bill's point about social-media at face value, I can totally appreciate what he's saying. Some authors are very active on Farcebook and T'wetter, and seem to be able to make it work for them, but there also are instances of spectacular self-destruction. I find so much of TW to be utter nonsense, and FB and SM generally can be come quite self-obsessive for some authors. handle with care, I guess. But I think Bill's point was much wider in terms of don't just follow all the advice you get if it doesn't feel right. At the end of the day it's our work, and our career, and it has to work for us. No point in 'succeeding' (whatever that might look like at a given time), but being unhappy with the outcome. I hope that some might find something in here useful in some way. I really only put this up because I wanted to share what I thought were some sage and useful thoughts from some people who have succeeded in a genre that we are all striving in. Please excuse my prattling commentary, which thoughts are my own, and of obviously lesser weight than the original comments, but largely just provided for context, or to promote discussion.

Yeah, I've finished changing my mind over this. If Ir has to tell Sue we then need to get Sue's immediately reaction and no doubt some more blowing up, and it would tend to bog down the scene. I agree.

I looove that diagram!! Well done. Having said this, yes, there is a LOT of context and information here that I have no concept of in reading the story. Dare I suggest that perhaps there is a need for a prologue?

(*Disclaimer: All my comments, they're always suggestions; though my critiquing style is direct; it is never intended as personal, but to aimed at the best of effects.) Cheater!! I am definitely intrigued to read how this has changed. (page 1) - "part of the castle wall crashing down" - suggest deleting. To me, castle wall sound like the boundary wall around the grounds. If you use say castle, it's completely clear it's part of the building, IMO. - "around his forearm there just as the wall came down" - what does this add? Only some confusion, IMO. - "echoing off of the mountains" - redundant: adds nothing. - "The silence ahead..." - Great line. There is much more tension and clarity in this version, I think. The former because of the latter. - "the right-side wall had been" - righthand, IMO. Conventional phrasing is easier for the reader to absorb without noticing the writing. - "shielding the duchess and those who’d been attending her" - This is a kind of presumptuous assumption on his part. He doesn't know anyone is in there, does he? - "crushed against the walls" - Nice description. This and the dust and the light, all conveys the destruction nicely. - "One of the joists overhead" - Only one? I'm surprised. Given the level of destruction, I'd expect more. Only one of them needs to have landed on the duke, of course, but others can come down. The scale of the blast warrants more damage to the roof, IMO. (page 2) - "Part of the floor above" - I know that this is technically correct, but the ceiling sounds more appropriate. IMO, reader brain puts the floor under his feet. - "Damned K magic" - three little words, but they encapsulate so much world-building. (page 3) - "based in spite" - on spite, IMO. (I only really get invested in LBL comments when the writing is good, and there are few enough bits a pieces that they cry out for attention all the more (IMO). - Good character notes on Tra, and everything we hear through Tre's POV tells us something about him. - There is quite a bit of political world-building here. Some is good; I feel we are edging towards info dump territory. - "He swallowed and backed away from the sphere, noticing a faint noise from the pile of debris beside it the sphere" - phrase repetition in the same sentence. (page 4) - "Where was everyone?" - Yes, we really needed this sort of questioning of the things we found surprising as readers. - "It would be another week before all of the servants and guards who’d been traveling for the midsummer festival would returned" - repetition of 'would'. - "They don’t trust it to hold" - Fine, absolutely fine. I don't need to like the reason that 'no' help comes, as long as it's plausible. (page 5) - "fought against his own fear that B might be to blame" - His emotions towards B seem kind of conflicted. My concern would be that they become inconsistent. - "Would picking at the ice risk cracks that would bring the top down on those inside?" - Extra words? Grammar off, somehow. (page 6) - "B would find something even here to his amusement" - Phrasing: suggest 'Even here, B would find something to his amusement.' 'would' is the least interesting word in the sentence to stress, IMO, and the key phrase is broken up by 'even here' in the original version. - "The healer is dead" - good: upped the stakes. I like that. - "after a labored gasp of breath" - a gasp is always 'of breath', a gasp for breath implies something else, breathlessness, but a gasp of breath doesn't need saying. - "grief and guilt" - why guilt? I don't understand. - "Most are still gone" - we know this already. I have no expectation that they would be back yet, because we've been told already that they are days away (I think?). There is a way to remind us of this without coming out and stating something we already no. something like 'Not the few left in the castle, no.' (page 7) - This is the point at which I start to feel that this is going on too long. Things are starting to be repeated. The need for a healer is repeated twice in this first paragraph alone. This is definitely where it feels like progress is dropping off significantly. - Yeah, he's tried to move the stone already, so this feels like repetition. I'm starting to skim. All the mechanics of the rock collapse, and the debris and stuff, it's all well written, but here at the start of the story, in a prologue, it doesn't matter. It feels like a 'darling' that needs to be killed. (page 8) - Wait, so one man can't pull out one trapped man, but another man can pull out two men (one trapped)? This seems implausible to me. (page 9) - The healer, the healer; always with the healer. Broken record. - "from a waterskin he must have brought" - too much information: sips from his waterskin would do fine. - "of marriage severed" - I feel like we need the prologue to learn stuff about the world that we'll need for the story, so showing us these magical details is interesting and useful. A man being removed from some rubble, and continued pleas for a healer, while well enough done, are not interesting or necessary in a prologue, I feel, because they don't add anything to setting; character (particularly); world-building; or plot. (page 11) - "The spell slipped" - This is good, I like this, knowing the magic can go wrong. As noted earlier, I still think the prologue is too long, and contains too much 'action' and dialogue that doesn't add anything to the story, not in a prologue form. This stuff that adds to story, this is the important stuff, but plenty still can be cut, IMO. - "Then he isn’t at fault" - This is more good stakes, IMO. More relevant to the child though, it seems, this being a prologue, I'm already assuming the father will die. (page 12) - "They won’t even look at the girl when they can blame him" - Good: I didn't think this aspect was clear before, but completely clear in this version. - "the family that has led Tra since Gil founding" - Confused, I don't know what Gil is. - "His father turned against Tra" - I don't know enough about the geo-political setup for this to make sense to me. - Not, I'm losing the place. Lots of name coming at me, and I can't parse them quickly enough to understand. Too much information, so I let it flow over me. (page 13) - Insufficient explanation of 'blood price'. I'm somewhat familiar with the concept, but I don't understand how it applies to this situation. Also, you need to consider readers who have no familiarity with blood price, or wereguild as it is originally know, I believe, and might be familiar to some readers from the Dresden Files. (page 14) - "useless and invasive" - Not the best word, there is a better one...intrusive, that's it. Invasive is too strong, IMO. - All this stuff about brasiers, and headstones...yes, okay, the heat stones provides a little world-building, but do we really need that here? Answer: no, not in a prologue. Too much detail, IMO. The pace and tension of the prologue is starting to fall off, and IT FEELS we're basically waiting for the duke to die at this point. There is tension to be had in the breaking of the sphere, but that is not really being played up at this point, only described in matter-of-fact terms. - "And get the girl to accept the blood price" - Eh? Why are they offering the girl the blood price? Who has she lost? I assumed they would offer the blood price to the healer's family. The girl isn't owed anything, she caused the accident. (page 15) - This prologue seems to be ending on a very low key not, trailing away instead of finishing with drama and momentum that will propel me into the first chapter. - Yeah, I'm not keen on the ending. For me, I was looking for the sphere to be broken, and thereby confirmation that the duchess was dead. Physical confirmation, I mean. All through the prologue, the quest has been to get to the duke and duchess. To see the duchess dead on the page would be a dramatic underscoring of the prologue, and thereby for the duke to die, on the page, that would leave us with the setup for the story proper, I presume, the young duke (grown up) with his two(?) old, trusted advisors, I guess? Overall Definitely better by strides than the first version, but still too long, IMO. There are still details and darlings in there that should be cut from a prologue, I think. The pacing falls off towards the end quite dramatically and I feels to me that it stumbles across the line, and doesn't end in a satisfying way, or in a way that sets me up for the story proper. Good job on the editing. I think it needs another pass or two, now or at next full edit. Thanks for re-sharing

The Wire, now there's a good show. Meine Kommentare. (page 1) - "mindlessly shifted to the right" - now does she do that being on the floor? Is everyone else standing? I'm to seeing this right. - "Their sparks would turn into..." - How can two peoples' sparks become a whole flock of birds, or a whole field of thousands of flowers? - "would need something with less hours" - <cough> fewer hours <cough> - Where is this line? Inside, outside? - "shrank with the rise of the sun" - rising, IMO. (page 3) - "not to create slaves out of territorial acquisitions" - struck my ear awkwardly. Slaves are people, but territorial acquisitions sound like land. The two don't seem compatible. - "by guillotine or another reasonable method" - 'other' would scan better, IMO. Also, reasonable method of execution seems like a contradiction in terms to me. - "in the iron mines to the north" - This to me sounds like the mines are just to the north of the city, compared to something like 'in the north', which sounds like the far north, north of the The Wall, etc. (page 4) - "to probation with community service" - these are totally modern terms. Also, still think that five years would be a more reasonable relaxation for the least scenario. (page 5) - "bent her sitting form into a kind of bow" - Awkward phrasing. Can't she just bend forward into a kind of bow? I know already that she's sitting. (page 6) - "She turned towards the right, to the dormitories" - IMO, 'She turned to the right, towards the dormitories.' Sounds better, I reckon. (page 8) - "In the center of it all" - All what? All that was described was the bars. - "Ir fell a step back" - This sounds like she's actually fallen over. Can she not just...'took a step back'. - "slave myself away for ten years" - Sue's tone is not quite working for me. Why would she know of the offer to reduce the sentence? In Draft 2, was Ir not the one to bring that news to Sue? Maybe I am misremembering that detail. Still, it seems to me more effective if Sue think it's twenty years. Although...I can see how you save half a page by having Sue know already. Fair enough. I've talked myself out of it. - Good emotion. Sue's role in this scene is not perfect, IMO. (page 9) - "make sure I chose slavery" - 'choose': it's still in the present, the decision is still to be made. (page 10) - "and your golden musicians.” Sue..." - great line, missing comma for period. - "If only Ireen could make herself believe that." - The last line...it doesn't land for me. I like the ending without out it. I know it's a completely different dynamic to the ending, but somehow the existing version was really predictable, IMO, and therefore not especially satisfying. Overall Super. Roll on next Monday. Lots of emotion and anger, rage in fact, but also fear and just a general tone of weariness underlying everything. I think the danger is that the stakes are quite different now. We've talked about lengthening the stakes of the rebel attack through the book, which I think I recall was how you were going to go, so, given that a long(er) arc of rebellion has just come to an end, when need to be sustained to the end of the book by whatever tension remains, whatever stakes, remain. I think it's a case of being all over that and ensuring the reader still feels there is a satisfying and weighty conclusion to be had in these final pages. Nice work

Cool beans. Will reply to your submission email within the next hour.

Mis comentarios. (page 1) - Who is 'her'? Who's POV are we in? (Maybe it's EK, and maybe it's all EK, in which case likely this would not be a question in reading the whole book.) - "If it is here, then it must have killed the other one" - If what is where? What other one? I don't like having this many questions at the start of a chapter. - What is she talking to? I guess it's the magic McGuffin. Lines? - What killing? - What is 'it'? - "far, far out of her league here" - Where? - After the first page, its only towards the end of the page that I feel in any way oriented or attached to the story. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's not a particularly comfortable or enjoyable experience, IMO. (page 2) - "She bolted up" - bolted as a verb means 'to run'. Conventional usage (and therefore clarity, IMO) would b e 'She sat bolt upright.' There's a school of thought that says language conventions (like grammar) are just guidelines. I believe if you follow that hypothesis to its logical conclusion you get social media, which is a hot mess of misunderstanding, fallacy, inaccuracy and error. Rant over. It's not you, GR, but there is a lot of laziness over grammar in the world and I hate it. - "thousands of en" - Cool image. I know what these are, can picture them and therefore got a nice strong impact from the description. - I'm very much enjoying this encounter. I personally would vote for some tidying up of the first page, but this is very good, IMO. - Is it 'psy net' or 'mind space'? We seem to have two terms for the same thing, which could get confusing fast. - "their hopes" - Whose hopes? The resistance? I thought the EN were part of the resistance. - I like the line about currency and getting paid: smart and snappy. Very stylish. This extends into a point about voice. This is a very nice note of style/voice. I would say that is not always evident through the two-and-a-bit chapters that I've read to date, but as many 'teachers' say, voice can take an author years to develop. - "A is dead" - See, this brings me back to earlier concerns on the last submission, about the underpinning setup of EK's situation. I think it remains a pretty fundamental issue with the story. The Res are labouring under a serious misconception thinking that she was every only going to be a figurehead, and she makes no reference to that conception here, before she makes policy up on the spot, by herself. I think this remains the single biggest inconsistency in the story so far. - "The Res now serves as the A. I now serve as the A" - Yep, there we have it. These are totally and completely different things. I can't help feeling that the narrative is in some confusion over K's status and/or role. (page 3) - What is the pinnacle? I don't remember this from previous submission, but that may be WRS. - "by pretending to be just another tyrant" - I am thoroughly confused. I though the EN were on the side of the Rebels, but now she's about to pretend to be a tyrant to fool the EN? I don't understand. - "The weight of it all hit into her and she grimaced" - I try not to LBL, I really do, but it's hard when...argh. - "went into a short coma" - MEDIC!!! - "pushed GT onto the back of her hand" - Huh? Confused. What does that look like? (page 5) - I forget who Til is, but likely that's just WRS. - Surely, it's a bit odd that there would be multiple comms centres. Is a centre not about centralising control? - "She had revealed the Red to the entire galaxy" - Still don't buy this. There must be 10,000s of rebel fighter and none of them talk to anyone else? Nobody has noticed the large space battle going on? There isn't a single journalist anywhere on any world that isn't investigating such things? - "a sickeningly unnatural unevenness" - awkward phrasing. - "No ship can teleport within twenty astronomical units of the station" - Why? - I like the feeling of hustle and bustle you've described here. I'm getting nice atmosphere and setting notes coming through. - "pleads for mercy" - 'pleas for mercy'. - "breathed slowly out through her nostrils" - Why is Til all steamed up about an EN choosing a human gender, when Til is of that gender? Not sure she has the right to have such strength of feeling about that, or be offended by it. (page 6) - "had already proven herself in the past" - I do wonder how Ek has done that, given that she is non-violent. - "Master Tik" - In other application, 'master' is a male form of address, so this threw me. - "Your willingness to yield behooves you" - This does not make grammatical sense. Behooves her to...what? I don't think behooves is the right word here. - "I don’t think this is a decision that you should make alone" - And we come back to the core problem. This person (G) is her commander. A commander does not speak to a subordinate like that, he/she issues orders. These people are not behaving like that have any kind of military structure, or commander/authority structure at all. The description and labelling of the rebel hierarchy is inconsistent with how it behaves. - "at the Convergence" - I'm not at all sure we know what this is yet, do we? I kind of gloss over this comment, because I don't understand it. - "stewards of each planet would convene" - Is this now explained when the Con is first mentioned in the previous sub? It needs to be, IMO. - "And to give us hostages" - Eh?! What kind of freedom fighters are these?!! - Is that the end of the chapter? Doesn't read like a logic ending place. What then is the arc of this chapter? Or what is the end of the arc, rather? Overall This reads fine generally, flows pretty well, but there are underlying issues at the heart of the story that I think are perpetuating confusion, certainly for me. (A) EK's role as figurehead. The premise of her being chosen as a Tyrant, I don't understand why or how they thought it would work. If they have freed the galaxy from a tyrant, won't everyone be delighted? (B) A wider issue deriving from the same source: the political setup up is confused. If I don't understand who is on what side, and whose influence is where and who controls what, it's pretty much impossible (IMO) to follow the political machinations around this rebellion. The political setup is confusing, and I am forced to ask myself (based on what I've read) if the author knows enough about politics in the real world, and in history, to handle the complexities running through the story. Do you have an outline for the political setup, a map of the changes that it will go through, the political changes, etc., during the course of the story? If so, great, but I think it needs to be spelled out (better) in the first chapter who is on what side, who controls what, what success looks like for the rebels AFTER the coup, so that I understand they ways that people and groups react in any given situation. As we know from subs recently past, Snakenaps is considering her governmental set up, and I posted her the first link, which may prove of some use, if you haven't already listened to it. Also, 'bonus' cast on political intrigue!! https://writingexcuses.com/2019/06/09/14-23-governments-large-and-small/ https://writingexcuses.com/2019/06/16/14-24-political-intrigue/ On a similar topic, the organisation of the rebels in general continues to give me confusion and disengagement, as they do not behave 'correctly' for the way they are described with their military structure. There was plenty I liked about this. Lots of the little details, description and general narrative flows pretty well. I'm, fine with the pacing too, by and large, but it's the underling issues that prevent me really engaging with the story. Also, I'm not really sure what their goals are, individually or collectively. They seem a bit vague.

My LBL comments are still available if you want the file

Yeah, dark and accurate!! I like it. Aw, heck. See, this is what I was concerned about in invoking you for these medical aspects . We want your writerly insights too!

He did point one at someone in the last session...