kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

Funny story that happened last night:

After a choir concert, we (me, the guy who played Mal--we'll just keep calling him Mal, his sister whom we'll call Anna, and a few other friends--let's call them Gail and Nolan) went to YoYoBerri for ice cream. I got a cookies 'n cream shake, which amazed everybody else since they had no clue YYB even sold shakes at all. Everyone else got the regular fro-yo (it's expensive, guys, that's one of the reasons shakes are better. They're a ton cheaper and they're also just stinking amazing).

It was a ton of fun, we goofed off until the store closed, and then goofed off outside after that. I ended up getting home at 10ish. Mal had brought four different ties (the yellow one from the musical, a dark/bright blue one from show choir prom, a striped pale blue and purple one, and a light pink one) and was wearing them all like bandanas at some point, and then I wanted to wear the yellow one, so then Gail took the pink one and Anna took the striped blue one. We were tie ninjas! 

We did a lot of craziness and also created a shared album called "[realname]-mail" (blackmail--but it's all pictures of Mal) and put a ton of epic pictures of him on there. Gail also stole my phone and took a burst of 100ish photos, but I got some pretty good ones of her in that, so it was worth it. xD

Anyways, we were all on sugar highs, and Mal set down his ice cream and took off the ties and was like, "Hey Kajsa, I wonder if you can still do the spinning thingy."

Me: "That's more a matter of if you can do it."

Him: *backs a few steps away*

Me: "Wait, you want me to try right now?"

Him: "Just attempt it."

Me: "...Okay..." *steels myself, backs a few feet away, runs*

Him: *catches me, gets halfway through a spin, then I watch my life flash before my eyes as his foot catches and he nearly drops me*

Me: *stumbles but manages to catch myself, then, laughing:* "My soul just left my body."

Him: *also laughing* "My bad."

Last night was definitely crazy.

But that worried part of me has been reassured. That part of me that worried he would forget it all, that he was trying his best to put it all behind him. I guess he's not.  

Pictures! I have like ten more I'll post later.

I'm terrified to move on to the next chapter. I was excited to flip the pages, but now that this one is here... I'm dreading the moment that I'll have to turn it. If I stop reading the book, I'll never have to end this chapter, but I'll never get to experience the rest of the story. 

I don't know why I'm dreading summer so much. Maybe because the imperfect structure that holds up my days will collapse, leaving me with the burden of agency. Maybe because the ones I love will be farther away; the one I love most even farther. Maybe because it means going somewhere new and scary. My favorite teachers will be replaced, and I will only get to see my choir director once a week rather than four times a week. He won't be directing any musicals at the high school. I want to live this same year forever and ever. It's been so incredible...

"I want to stay. I am starting to enjoy myself.

You got a problem with that?" (Alice Beieneke, The Addams Family Musical)

Time has definitely got a problem with that. It will never stop moving, especially not when I need it to. It doesn't care. 

I think I'm suffering from post-musical depression.

The Addams Family at RMS has officially closed.  

Today was... very incredibly emotional and rather eventful.

Lots of tears from me tonight. Lol.

Alright, let's do this in chronological fashion.

First of all, I got to the school around 12:45 and changed quickly, time FLEW by before our show. I also wore bright red lipstick today instead of the more pink one and I liked it a lot better. Anxiety levels were way way way lower than last night, and it was probably our best show, though the audience was much smaller. 

After the first show, almost everyone went to YoYoBerri, but I was just going to stay at the school until my director offered to drive me there, so I thought why not? That was fun, and I got a strawberry cheesecake shake. It was delicious  

Our second show came by in a flash; we all slipped back into our costumes and were backstage pretty quickly after ice cream. I started crying but was able to pull it together before my entrance, though my acting felt... stale, almost. I was really disappointed in myself. I promised myself I would have a comeback in Full Disclosure, but I was really struggling to fully be Alice. That made me pretty upset, since this was our last show, and it would be my last chance to ever be her. 

After Full Disclosure, we had a 15 minute intermission. 

During intermission, my director came into the locker rooms and was telling everyone good job. I was picking at the stickers on my IronFlask, feeling rather dejected. I'd discovered a personal struggle within myself that day, and I knew that my little loophole to pushing it away would disappear today. I was just super super sad to be on our last show as well, and I was rather disappointed in my performance up until that point. Apparently it showed on my face, and my director asked if I was okay. That pushed me over the edge, and I just started crying but nodded anyway. 

"Are you sure?

(through tears) "Yes."

Obviously, I wasn't alright, and he knew it. So he left, but a few minutes later, he came back.

"I brought you an ice pack and a water bottle just in case."

(sobbing) "Thank... you--" *taking the proffered objects, then standing up because I need a Firkins hug*

*he hugs me tight* "That was for sure your best Full Disclosure. And I don't lie."

"Thank you."

"And all these emotions are totally natural to be feeling. Just let yourself feel them, okay? It's totally normal and okay to be feeling this way."

"Okay."

That lasted until my tears stopped and my breaths were even. But most importantly, he didn't tell me that everything was okay and that I shouldn't be crying or even try to distract me like my friends did. I appreciate their efforts, but I just needed somebody to let me cry, just to be there and support me while I felt. My director did that.

We finished the show, and the tears just came again. Caroline, a 7th grader, came up to me after the show and told me, "[realname], I just wanted to tell you that you're a really good singer and actress and just an incredible person and I'm going to miss you so much next year." As you can imagine, the waterworks came back and she hugged me. "I'm going to miss you a lot."

"Thank you" seemed to be the only two words I knew how to say tonight.

After that, a few friends and I went to McDonald's and hung out for a while, chatting and eating foodstuffs. I went back to the school after that (it was about 10 by now) to help tear down the set. Of course it was my director who assigned me to be his "person to run things back to the choir room". Starting with chairs that I got put away before my dad came by to pick me up. Before I left, my director gave me another hug and said, "Thank God I convinced you to join the musical."

That made me feel so good. 

Now I'm mourning the loss of Alice, trying not to cry as I write this. {EDIT: I am crying.} I no longer get to escape to that world, I no longer get to be the boyfriend's mom who rhymes when she feels. I no longer get to be Mal's wife, I won't probably ever get to hold his hand or link my arm through his again. I won't ever laugh because everything Gomez says is absolutely hysterical. I won't ever again be the girl in the yellow dress who makes the dinner party memorable. I'll never get to escape to that world again. And I'm going to miss it so much. 

And the personal struggle inside me... isn't it strange how just a few touches can make you fall for somebody? Just a few touches and a few words, and your heartstrings wrap themselves around the idea of you and them. Before you know it, you're waiting for the one time you pass in the halls and maybe exchange a word or two, if you see them at all. Before you know it, you envy anybody who might have a chance of taking them away from you.

It's especially difficult when you're playing parts that allow/require you to touch and talk to that person every day--and then suddenly-

Vamoosh. Gone.

I became so close with this person, but I won't interact with them a lot past this. I know it was an act but my heart hates it. I know they're dating someone else and that I should be happy for the both of them but my heart doesn't want to allow it. I know that he does not feel like this. But I do.

I have to keep reminding myself that he's hers and she's his. I'm not even part of the equation.

It wasn't real.

None of it was real.

It was an act.

Act.

Act.

My heart can't seem to understand that word.

How strange.

Alright, peoples. Show #2, done. Final show starts at 7PM tonight. It will probably be our best one tbh  

Got lots of videos and pictures from today’s show. I’ll post them all later tonight  

fre sha voca do!

*whispers*

it is so quiet here today

Okay here’s mine and Mal’s Crazier Than You

97AF839A-F2D3-40B0-8804-DCE1AE0A2664.MOV

Here’s a ton of content from tonight! (Also I guess you could think of it as a face reveal too ) all the ones during the show are from Full Disclosure. I might also be able to upload a video of mine and Mal’s section of Crazier Than You.

...it's been a long day, but FINALLY, only 44 minutes until school's out. That means roughly three and a half hours before call time, 4 hours and 44 minutes until our show gets out to the world. I'm so excited!!

My chasms I'm hungry... there's still 90 minutes until lunch and I think I might die before that. I do have water tho  

"All the colors

Of the rainbow

Hidden 'neath my skin

Hearts have colors

Don't we all know

Red runs through our veins

Feel the fire burnin' up

Inspire me with blood of blue and green

I have hope

Inside is not a heart

But a kaleidoscope."

-Sara Bareilles 

So... I'm writing something for CW. It's kind of all over the place, but if you guys have the time to read it and give me some feedback, that would be awesome  Thanks!

I know, I know, it's a complete train wreck, trying to smash the exposition and worldbuilding and all that together, and then switching straight to the transport. So I apologize. But I will be revising it later so yes  

Alright, here's last night's SU continued.

I got no notes for my acting (all the other leads did), so hopefully that means I'm doing everything well. 

I'm super excited for the show, even if a little nervous. It's going to be so much fun :star-eyes:

Details on the Flailing Fall of May 11th:

I was running to throw something in the trash, but I landed on the edge of my high heel, that twisted my ankle and the heel gouged into my other foot (it still stings, ow), I skinned my knee and ripped a hole in my tights and got bruises on both shins. But it was hilarious, and I wish someone had videoed it so I could watch  

I iced it last night and today and taken ibuprofen, so hopefully that helps.

I'm super tired so hopefully I make it through the day alright. 11 hours until we open  

11:11 MAKE A WISH!

So. Last dress rehearsal before opening night went insanely well, besides all the many technically difficulties we had. Lights were being wacky, the sound and lights blew multiple times, the soundtracks were glitching all over the place, the mics were crackly... but you know what they say! A rocky final rehearsal makes for a good opening. I hope that's true  Besides, we got most of the problems fixed. And then my amazing director vowed to get it all fixed by tomorrow even if he has to stay up all night (though I personally would rather he get some sleep).

Some stuff we did tonight:

SLAYED FULL DISCLOSURE. LIKE... AHHHHHHH. It was so good. 

We re-blocked Crazier Than You, so now Mal and I just literally go crazy. He takes off his suit jacket and throws it, and he loosens his tie, which I then use to pull him closer, then we do a thing that I'm not explaining because it's confusing if you don't know the lyrics (I'll post a video though later hehe). And then after that, I say my weird line ("Oh Mal, I missed you, pumpkin! Come to Mama!") and then actually literally jump into his arms and he spins me around, then we do a little dancy thingy and the song ends. It's a ton of fun, even if a little bit awkward. 

gotta go shoot

finish in the morning!

There's... Remixed Trap Christmas Music playing in science class and grrrrrrrr

I can't xD IT'S MAY!

Also my friend says hi. He's considering joining the Shard soon!!!!  Make sure to look out for him. 

That's all.

FRE SHA VOCA DO!

70 minutes till school lets out.

430 minutes till I have to go home.

I feel like the next line of this needs to rhyme

So I guess this'll be about garden gnomes.

uhhh... yeah.

Today's been pretty good. I'm reading a really really good book called Girl in the Blue Coat. It's a mystery that takes place during the Holocaust, and it's beautifully written.

For Science, I'm designing three different species in a really extreme climate, so that's fun. 

I'm tired. That's about it.

Also have waffles.

Hoooooo boy...

I was late again to school today, because I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad hair day. It was bad. I spent probably 45 minutes trying to fix it... to no avail. Until finally I just got my hairbrush wet and dampened my hair so that kind of fixed it but not really.

Also my waffle-making skills have been taken away. :sad-face:

Hehe I painted my nails bright yellow for the musical. I like how they turned out  ...well... we don't talk about my right hand. But they're still pretty  

Tomorrow is our final dress rehearsal, and then--

OPENING NIGHT!

Wish me luck!

Life is hard. THat's all.