Little_Dagger

N is seventeen and B is twenty-two (introduced in chapters two and three, respectively). Do you think the age gap is too large?

As I go: P.1. confused about the significance of the beads “student’s” probably should be “students’” “inventory”? P.2/3. Is it “Ignis” or “Ingis” – both are on the page often P.3. “across his clothes soaking wet” – stumbled here P.4. – “How to win friends…” – I think I get the idea but had to pause to think about it (maybe WRS?) P.5. “bent with a few thousand years of age” – so Ancestor ghosts’ bodies change over the centuries? I assumed that like all usual ghosts they are frozen in the shape they had when they died… “Oh hello” – a very different between the first and the second intruders “Every” should not be capitalized P.7. “and then get to my lessons” – aren’t they over now? Overall: Great chapter! I enjoyed seeing a new POV and an example of the double powered magic users R was told about in the previous chapter. Is K related to the family R is researching I was a little lost in the beginning since I did not know the significance of heating beads, but that is probably something explained in book one, so likely not a problem. I love the magic system and really want to learn more! I had a few questions about the healing covenant: It is clear that if Z takes a life with his powers he also dies. But what about euthanasia? Is it possible to take a life if the person asks you to? Would the Ancestors punish him automatically, without a “trial”? (By the way, how does death happen? Do the Ancestors’ ghosts appear and kill him or the magic itself somehow does?) Also, what if Z enters a house and does not help an injured there (eg. he doesn’t have time, or the patient is the biggest baddest villain)? Is it also punishable by death? How much wiggle room is there in the Covenant? Thanks for the submission! I enjoyed it!

As I go: P.1. “cut” should be “cuts” P.2. “I’ll have family” article missing “what’s going on?” did not seem right in the conversation P.3. “I need up through” – stumbled here numbers are usually spelled, eg. “Algebra two” P.4. “You’re a nice person” – felt too cheesy for my taste “keep up motivation” – “the” is missing “of the way” – “the” is extra “until the final until” – stumbled here P.5. “I need to hang out” – indeed, haha P.6. “And I get to see someone” – a bit cheesy for me again “At first” and “eventually” should have commas after P.7. “I was expect” – “was” should be removed P.8. “Seriously, even when” – tenses to do seem to align P.9. “sensors they can put in the ocean to measure what’s happening” – very generic Should be “the ocean” and “trial and error” P.10. “I like hearing you talk” - a bit cheesy for me again “You’ll be the cool teacher” – nice P.11. “could be Niall’s mom” – wait, didn’t she die? P.12. “a human was around” – remove “was” P.15. H’s attack feels rather cruel, especially since we know he is a trained fighter and C is a human girl P.17. “I don’t treat people that way” – she was rather mean to A before, though General thoughts: In response to your first question, I think it is a good idea to have N and W spend some time together and build a deeper bond. Yet, I felt like the scenes here were a bit too cheesy for me (though, that’s only my preference). The conversation about sensors could be sharper, I think. Less generic. As for the second question, I felt like I do not know whether I should side with N or C at this point since I do not have enough information about the conflict. It seems N thinks C has a point, and her request to spend a day with his grandmother on her birthday does seem very reasonable. At the same time, H is outright furious with her, so… perhaps N is just self-deprecating as he often seems to be. Thanks for sharing!

Lol indeed, changed it immediately He was introduced in passing before as the youngest member of the crew and was also named during the telou fight. Thanks for the rest of the comments! I corrected the mistakes you mentioned. As for the formality of speech... well, I think I will leave it the way it is for now, and then do some studying of English slang and just informal dialogue. It is hard for me to naturally put it on a page, so it will take very deliberate tweaking.

Hello everyone, Here is chapter four of the story. I am not resubmitting the previous now-edited chapters but I have made one big alteration there that is important for the rest of the plot. I am explaining that Bael's goal at the Shore is to try and mechanically replicate the seleill - the magical beads that the heist crew were, for centuries now, stealing from the telou and that serve as a foundation for most of the planet's technology. The problem, of course, is that if Bael succeeds, the job of heisters becomes useless and they will all be left without means of existence. Ress believes that the benefit to society at large outweighs the cost to his kind and lets Bael join his crew despite Nali's skepticism. He does, however, prohibit speaking of Bael's true undertaking to the other crew members for the time being in hope of avoiding the conflict of interests. Thank you as always for your thoughts!

All right, I have finally caught up with all your submissions, and here are my two cents on this one: First of all, I liked the POV change because the world immediately became bigger and more rounded. A is mostly concerned with the fate of the m and so we learn very little about the city beyond his neighborhood in the earlier chapters. It was nice to have the plot expansion here. I enjoyed being in G’s head. He strikes me as an interesting foil and I like that he has exactly the same motivation as A – saving his people from unfair racial discrimination. I actually liked him quite a bit and if you didn’t mention in the email that G is a villain, I would not call him that. That being said, I felt slight dissonance between his public appearance and his banter with the apprentices. It seemed rather informal. He also seemed completely reasonable all until the last line about becoming the God. That felt a little abrupt. It may be the WRS, but I wondered whether Galv is a religious title or something else entirely. Are all vessels of S called that or is it just him? I was also slightly lost in all the names (they are rather similar), but it did get better as I progressed. I am intrigued by the mention of the NoC. Why did G lose his memory there? What happened to him? Why was the last time he spoke to S over a month ago? Overall, I liked this addition to the story and the chapter flowed easily and quickly. I did not feel that there was too much exposition but maybe that is because I like learning about world and the supreme conji. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to more!

I would like a spot too if one is available.

I didn't really consider this, thanks for pointing it out. I have spent my entire life surrounded by people from academia, so it seems to me that everyone naturally speaks that way, haha. Yes, they are sentient, and I will find a way to make that more clear. Thank you for all the comments! They gave me a clear indication of the things that I need to adjust!

Congratulations on your first submission! I totally understand your apprehension to share – the first time I ever released my work on the Shard (it was a Stormlight fanfic I wrote as a gift for someone though, not RE), I checked in like every five minutes to see if there are comments. For better or for worse, there was ever only one comment (perhaps, asking people to read a +100-page fanfic was too much, or maybe it was not very good – I still do not know), so I escaped the criticism but also never learned what worked and what did not in that story. I think that is much worse than any pointed comment I got on RE So, I hope you will the benefits will outweigh the pain for you too! I think the others pointed out a lot of grammar/structural mistakes, so I will focus on general thoughts. The first half of the submission gave me strong Way of Kings prologue vibes, so naturally, I liked it, haha. I appreciated the assassin’s POV because it immediately establishes a larger universe and tells us where we are in relation to it. I felt that some of the descriptions could be cut down and there were a lot of sentences with a similar but I think it made a good intro to the chapter. I also liked having it there because in the C’s POV, the assassin seems almost non-human (he is even called a wraith), so it is helpful to know that he is a person with his own motives and goals instead of some demon. I also like how beautiful some of your descriptions are. A few of my favorites are “night tricked” on p.2, the sequence of “tonights” on p.3, and “despite this flurry” on p.4. There were a few I marked on each page. I was a little lost in the dream sequence. I understand its purpose, but without the explanations that followed after she awoke, it seemed a bit chaotic. I liked the fight scene and the fact that C is very observant and focused in the moment. I wish the father’s death was more concise – the deathbed words would feel more significant if they were few. M’s has a very distinct voice and I liked that, despite him seeming a rather cold person. I find myself strangely more intrigued by his role in all of this than even C’s. I think C’s behavior after the fight was really well written. I felt the loss of her father and even herself for those few hours very starkly. I felt that C’s realization that the assassin may be interested in her came too quickly. I immediately guessed that he is her deceased betrothed, and if that is indeed planned as a future twist, I would be less excited to read on. If he is not, then a good misdirection, I suppose. Overall, thanks for sharing and I am looking forward to the next chapters!

Thank you everyone for your comments - they have been extremely helpful for me! They made me realize that I am keeping too much from the reader, in particular, B's reasons for being on the Shore in the first place. I will work to clarify that as early in the chapter as I can. I will admit that I quite like the dream part and I wanted the people introduced there to be familiar to the reader the next time we meet them. I will keep it in mind, though, that perhaps "live" intro would work better. I will see. It was also very good to hear your opinions on pacing - I have a big world in mind and indeed struggle to introduce it all without it being too wordy. Thanks again for your time and advice!

Yes, I understood my mistake very quickly - won't happen again. Thanks for the explanation! I will address the story-related comments in more detail later

As I go: Pg.2. Using “there is no way” three times within a span of a few sentences seems a bit redundant Why didn’t L stop/warn K when the teacher came in? Pg.3. “jewelry” twice in the same sentence seems repetitive Pg.4.” I hadn’t even” – shouldn’t it be “haven’t” since the story is in the present tense? “if they connect her to me” – I am not sure I understand the phrase There are three different spelling versions of “speed walk” in the chapter once: written without a space, and once with a hyphen Pg.5. “punished” used twice is also a bit repetitive Pg.6. “L shakes her head”, “J slowly nods” should have commas after “L claps her hand over J’s mouth” doesn’t seem like a stealthy behavior Pg.7. “L eyes them hungrily”, “J smiles” should have commas after Pg.8. “The” should be lower-case “Maybe there’s” – there are? In the third paragraph, J should be upper-case “out of the ordinary” misses a dot “in my own horse” should be “house” “in the entryway” should have a comma after Pg.9. “I walk into the” misses a word I would suggest a different way to show nervousness than wiping hands on pants for the parents – it seems like K’s habit Pg.10. there are several missing commas before or after the direct speech, there is a dot missing, and one extra dot after “hug” “are the floor” should be “at” Pg.11 a few punctuation errors here too. “You know what happened to your sister” – didn’t we establish that no one knows what happens to the people the government takes? General thoughts: First, thanks for sharing. I am not usually a fan of dystopias, but I am curious about where you will take this. Second, my eyes were often caught on small punctuation/grammar errors, and I would recommend going through the text line by line since I do not think I caught or pointed out all of them. Third, I think you did a good job making the society feel rigid and the regime strict so that there is a feeling of despondency hovering over the reader as the story unfolds. I wish there was a casual mention of the resistance before K had to leave - it felt a bit abrupt otherwise. All in all, happy to see a new writing style!

As I go: Pg.1. The first phrase made me stumble a bit. Perhaps, add a time indicator like “For a few weeks, life…”. It would also let us know how much time passed between the chapters. “He is dangerous” – you are hanging a very, very bright lantern here. Pg.3. “I am pretty sure” – a verb is missing “constant iciness” could be something more expressive Pg.4. should be “the explorer man says” “for a boy over six feet tall he does an impressive job of being a wallflower” – nice Pg.6. in the “reaches to my side” remove “to” Pg.8. I am not sure W’s anger at A is justified – he seems to only be trying to help “but she didn’t hate me for what I am” – nice, I did not expect A to be supernatural too Pg. 9. “in the off chance” should be “on” instead Pg.12. the last phrase jumped out of nowhere for me General thoughts: I liked A’s chapter a lot – it had so many unexpected things coming out, that I felt hooked the entire time. I am profoundly disturbed by B, which I think is what you are aiming for, but calling what is between B and A a “relationship” felt like an exaggeration. My other concern is that Ar feels rather stereotypical at the moment (though we only saw him briefly, so perhaps, it is too early to judge). I liked that the tension is more palpable in these chapters and I finished with a distinct desire to keep reading. Thanks for the submission and I hope I will get the next chapter next week!

Hello everyone, Here are chapters 2 and 3 of my story. I apologize for it being longer than the usual 5,000 words - I saw some submissions of this length on the forum, but if it is too long for one week feel free to read only the first chapter. A few clarifications that I feel I should make following the last submission: 1) -ts is indeed an in-world frequency indicator; 2) the sound waves are produced magically (the mechanism will be partially explained further into the story, and partially in the prologue, so stick with me for now). I will make sure both are more clear in the next draft of that chapter. Thank you and have a great week!

The sound waves are produced magically, with a -ts being a frequency indicator. I will make sure I explain it more clearly, thanks! The rest of the comments are very helpful too, and I will see what I can do to make the chapter flow better. Also, @Mandamon can I pick your brain on sound physics from time to time? You sound like the person with just the right background. My own training is in math and economics, so I am at mercy of Google search most of the time here, haha

Hmm, alright. I will see what I can do. Thanks!

I would like a spot next week too.

Thanks for reading! Any advice on how to do that? I am not sure I fully understand the comment

"But he’d found that imaginary things were often the only items of real substance in people’s lives." (Warbreaker)

Thank you everyone for the comments! I have a lot to think about! I was very worried that a chapter without any dialog would be very hard to parse through, but most of the comments about the non-verbal communication seem positive. Good to know! As for the explanation on the magic system: the thing is, most it would be explained in the POVs of other characters later (though now I am considering moving those chapters earlier), along a few bits given in the prologue. I chose not to share the prologue so far because I suspect it will be re-written a thousand times by the time I am done with the book, and so reading now it seems an unfair claim on your time. But perhaps, the world is indeed less clear than I realized without it.... hmm.... I will perhaps look it over again and see if I can share it. Again, thank you all for your suggestions and time!

I would do something like "the wolf avoided approaching her - perhaps he was wary of strangers" or something like that. An unusual behavior that R would explain away incorrectly at that moment, but would make sense later when she learns he is her father.

I absolutely love your writing and have just way too many lines underlined and commented as "nice"! A few thoughts: I like the bits of romantic tension you are adding to the story, especially how innocent and new it feels at this point. I liked F’s awkward presence and the unexpected encounter with R and Y in the library. Pg. 9. Would be nicer if the oak tree by the window was mentioned in chapter one when she woke up by that window. Pg. 12. I was caught off guard by the sunlight. A few minutes ago it was so dark that R had to rely on touch to find the keyhole and I assumed it was night – rainclouds are usually not that dim. I was lost as to who S was since he was not included in the summary of the previous book, but I like him already. Why bring a pack of wolves and a man in the canoe against an Ordinary girl? Seems a bit too convoluted for someone who already has access to her room in the middle of the day. I suspect the white wolf would be the man from R’s dream (her father?) and I felt a bit let down by how easy it was to figure out (unless it is a deliberate misdirection, of course) I feel like the mysterious organization jumped out of nowhere. Is that something we should be familiar with from the previous book? Overall, I had fun and can't wait to keep reading!

I can send a pdf of White Sand to you if you want.

As I read: Pg 1. First paragraph “but go” should be “that go” Pg 5. “my mom is” should be “my mom has” Pg 6. “judgement” should be ‘judgment’ “I am too shocked” – I felt like a shock was too strong an emotion for the scene Pg 8. Feels very weird N had never been exposed to math at the age of seventeen at all. I know he is new and otherworldly, but considering his gaps in knowledge, it is hard to believe the teacher just sent him to a peer tutor for an hour and a half. Perhaps, a similar effect could be achieved, if he knew the math, but did not understand the terminology, like someone who learned the material in another language? “not interested in me” seems very direct “got from her” should be “for her” Pg. 9. “milky look” not sure what that means Pg 10. “Nobody there” misses “is” N asks “how are you feeling?” too often, I think “I’m don’t” should be “I don’t” “Not on earth anymore” – I like the transition! General thoughts: - It is fun to watch the story unfold, and I feel attached to W at this point. I am curious about where you will take the traditional fairy lore as the story goes on. - I like that the next meeting with N happens so soon, though considering that the flowers grow at the pond, it seems weird she needed his help that much (maybe mention that they picked all the available flowers last time?) - I felt a bit underwhelmed at the meeting with Grace (yes, she wears a black jacket now, but considering that she is offering a magic vial, I was hoping for something weirder to appear in manners, look, or conversation) - Also, I feel like I was more flustered by the magic while sitting and reading at home than W was going to another world. I think some surprise or discomfort on her part could add to the tension - In general, it often feels like things just happen too easily for W. She is mostly reactive to the things going on around, and I think she could benefit from some obstacles to overcome, instead of placidly receiving flowers, help to pick flowers, and the vial from others. Overall, nice work and I am looking forward to reading more!

Hi everyone! I am a new member of the group, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to both share my work with you and read your wonderful stories. Only one week in, and it has already been a learning experience. I write epic fantasy, though since I am new to writing, I am excited to explore and experiment with other genres. I am looking for feedback on the plot and the feel of the story but also comments on grammar if you find something amiss (English is not my native language, and I often struggle with subtleties or structure of the phrases). Thank you and have a great week ahead!