Mandamon

Thanks @Sarah B! Probably a good place to add more reaction, at the very least! This was mentioned back in the first chapter than the Generationals have some genetic drift in that they are taller and their eyes are a little bigger.

I also thought this, especially since it was repeated.

This is all of chapter 5, and I apologize in advance. It was 5300 words and I "fixed" a section, so now it's 5600... This part gets into more of the worldbuilding and shows what directions different characters are going. Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Silk! I think from all the comments I need to do some work on condensing Ag's first POV here, or adding in something else exciting. well now I want to write it. I just need to add a mushroom character called "Toad." Yep. this whole section needs some work,as you and Kais pointed out. Containment suits are the next step, so it should be easy to fix this part to make the spores more dangerous and give them more protection.

Thanks @Ace of Hearts! I'll sort of reply to the last three chapters of feedback here since the other ones were shorter. Agree. I think putting a longer call with D will help to have more action happening. Yes, it's the same person. I'm interested what you think of him going forward. I completely understand this. I wonder if I need to amp up the social tensions more. I feel like partly this becomes more "slice of life" as the book goes on, and I may need to introduce more tensions. Looking forward to what you folks think! This is all really good feedback! Yes, the mushrooms are certainly not the only antagonist, but then I tend to write mostly gray characters--not totally good or bad. At any rate, I'm very eager to see if you think the larger story holds up. As with most of my stuff, there's a lot of setup in the first half so the second half can have free reign.

Yeah, maybe have that on the ship and switch back to real meat when they land. Although I'd imaging that's going to cause some squick with characters as they find out what has to happen for them to get meat...

I'd love to submit chapter 5 on the 28th. It's about 5300 words, so if people don't mind if I go slightly over, I can submit the whole thing.

Thanks @Sarah B! If you're finding nit picky things rather than overall problems, that's great! Good point about zero-G meat. There are some issues with that and the transfer to the ground. I think I need to add a booster for muscle mass, or have the cows doing workouts or something! I can expand this out in the story to answer this question, but basically the populations did expand, but they also had ways of getting resources from space (water, minerals), and were pretty good about efficient recycling. So even if they expanded 2 or 3x, they added more space for agriculture and divided up living sections while controlling population growth. By this point, they weren't depending on any stores from Earth, as they had already been traveling many times longer than the original voyage was supposed to take.

Thanks @kais! I'm sure there will be many more fungal inaccuracies... Great feedback. They use suits later, so changing this up to respirators, with only some that keep out the microbes, would work. I'm adding respiratory masks to the things that got crushed in the crash... I'll be adding more emotion to the next draft.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth and @Mythranor! Great! Glad the character investment is better in this one. I try to have one touchstone with Ag. each chapter to give a sense of continuity. Plus, she'll be more of a main character in book 2. Great feedback! I usually have problems with emotional connection on the first draft, so this is helpful to know where I need to add some more in. Noted! Thanks. These are all the POVs in this book (except for one very brief one near the end). This one is about 85k, and it's the first of a trilogy, so total wordcount will be about 250k or so. This is a new approach for me, and I'm replicating some of the 70's and 80's scifi I used to read, showing progression in time, or across an event. Anyway, all that to say, let me know what you think as the book progresses!

Thanks again, @Mythranor! Yep. I'm aware of this. Thanks for the info, though. I was intending this name as one of those things that gets a name because it marginally affects a system, even if that's not the extent of what it can do. That said, it sounds like it's tripping people up, so I'll likely do more explanation and/or change the name. I did enough basic research on it to be dangerous and then ran with it. You'll notice the concept evolves a bit going through the story, so I'm going to keep writing (I'm on book 2 now) and come back at the end with a more definite name/explanation for what it does. *mumblemumblescifihandwaving...*

Thanks @Mythranor! Great! This is probably also a function of me figuring out what the heck I'm writing. Yep, this one will get a good revision when I edit. I like the shape of it, but it needs some fine-tuning. Good feedback. Also something I'll look into on edits.

Thanks @Asmodemon and @Mythranor! This one seems to be about half and half, with people who read scifi not having a big problem with it. I mentioned something about this in the sub1 thread. Basically higher accel/decel and it's unmanned. Yeah, this was intentional, as I wanted a different societal setup from what we work with. The entire crew is focused on a singular purpose, and so time tables are a little different. Good catch on the time-based words. I'll adjust. Yeah, it's a sci fi thing. It's basically the points in a solar system where things tend to stay where you put them, due to competing gravitational forces. It's a good place to set up stations etc. Oops. Good catch. I'll check for those.

Thanks @Asmodemon! I'll probably need to mix this first chapter up a bit, and add or change out a POV to Ag, rather than Al, as she's more of a main character. I've already made some changes that address some of the things here and there, but you have some good catches in your "misc" section on some word choices. Yes, there are (unspecified) time jumps in here, mainly because they don't really pertain to the story. I'm assuming the probe can accelerate and decelerate a lot faster than the ships, and also move at higher speeds since it's unmanned, which is how it reached the planet so fast. Yes, this one does start a little slow. I'm going to hopefully ramp that up a little in the next edit, but also, this is the first book of a trilogy, where I'm planning to released them pretty close to each other, so the story overall is longer than what's just in this book.

This is a good idea. I can change to make the effects come from the shockwave instead. Bleah. I always hated fluid dynamics. I'm much more into kinematics, so I'll lazily admit you're probably right... Pretty close. I sort of handwaved it at this point, assuming things would generally Go Bad. Always great to have another engineer's (or two's) input!

Here's the second half of chapter 4, dealing with the reaction to what happened, as well as...some more bad things. Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

That's a great idea and I will likely be stealing it for edits, as well as while writing the second book...

Oops...Also thanks @shatteredsmooth! I thought I'd replied to your already. Yep, I think this is going to be what turns some people off from this book. As I mention with @kais above, I regard Ag. as my main character. She's not in this half of the chapter, but she is the "reaction" scene that's coming up next. Let me know what you think of that next week. Agree. I need to add some more character connection in this one. Yep, in the first chapter. She was the one who decided to land. Oop. Yes. Will rephrase. Thanks again!

Thanks to @C_Vallion, @Silk, and @kais! I might just change this to "metallurgist and engineer." Ah. I don't think I put in the size of the plate here. I can add. I'm imagining a 1-2 cm thick sheet that's probably 10-20 meters long, falling from 1/2 kilometer in the air. I didn't actually do the calculation on terminal velocity for a planet with about 0.8 Earth gravity, but I'd imagine this still makes a big blast, even landing on edge. Oooo. Good point. Need to add this in too. Yeah, I thought of this when writing, but decided the ships would have to be optimized for 100+ years of travel, resisting mini meteorites and other forces in space. The actual landing and conversion is supposed to be fairly quick and the support structure is being removed at the time, so there's no real way to guarantee structural stability, thus it can't really be in scope for the design, except to make it easy to remove parts in the right order. Okay, so my thought process on this is that the errant sheet compromised the skeleton of the ship on one side, causing it to list. Then the top structure didn't have enough support and sheared off about 1/3 of the way down, so a third of a kilometer of ship is falling, hastening the shear. There's some description of the damage in the next section, so let me know if that clears it up. Thanks for the engineering talk, @C_Vallion! Ahhh...thanks. Will clarify. Yep--completely unmodified. They're basically the monkeys running the ship until it lands. Uh huh...I'll just back away from this one. I need to put in the size of the total arcopolis somewhere in here...I'm thinking the burn-out space is 8-10 kilometers in diameter, divided into 8 radians. I'm assuming some sort of ramscoop to charge the batteries in space, but I didn't actually say it. This is what happens when I write the first scene after the second scene... Heh. Just wait. You're picking up on a lot of the conflict coming later, so that's perfect. Thanks @Silk! The section right after this is a section with Ag. and Da, so I'm hoping that will serve this purpose? Let me know what you think. Ag. has a scene in every chapter (oddly, except the first chapter...) so I'm regarding her as the main character. Good point. I'll try to clarify. I'm sure there will be some frustrating lapses through the book. I may need a science pass from you, if possible. See above. Also, I'm interested to see what you think of the next section. Lol. See above #2... Will add some things. And again...I probably just need you to tell me all the things I've done wrong... Chapters are weird in this book. I may convert them to sections, and have a bunch of little chapters within them. I haven't decided. Thanks @kais!

Thanks @C_Vallion! Good points. I was wondering what the reception would be on this, but doesn't look like there's too much confusion overall. At any rate, no you don't need to remember their names and part of this is the to show this is a beg meeting and give triggers whenever one of the Admins pops up later. This is partly why I have the Dramatis in the beginning, for reference, but also I'll note the individuals when they show up again. I guess let me know if it's confusing the next time one of them shows up. It isn't a proper name, just a specialized description, so no, not capitalized. That said, I haven't actually named it in the text, but I'm not completely sure I need to, at least yet. I'll ponder. Good points. I'll see if I can make it a bit clearer. It will become clearer later on...

Seems pretty quiet here lately, but I'd like to submit the second half of chapter 4 on Monday the 21st

It's a little hard to judge these two chapters if you're planning on changing ch 1 in such a dramatic way. I think you could pivot to having lots of hints about A's identity without the reader knowing for certain, but you'll have to fill in the background of what happened for it to be a significant reveal when it happens. I'm also not sure if three different people potentially revealing A's identity is any worse than just one. We don't know the consequences for A's identity being known, aside from "people will look for them." It could be anything from an annoying fanbase, to A wearing themself out by doing too much magic, to the government capturing them and experimenting to find out how a MUP works. There's a lot of description that could be pared down in the first chapter, and I'm not sure what it adds yet aside from showing the bad day. The next chapter gives us some good insight into A and J's characters, but there's not really any decision, so I'm not sure of the stakes yet. Focusing in on those things will help. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Long first sentence... pg 1: Do we know who/what B or PPG is? I think this is WRS on my part. pg 1: Where is the chaos? The vending machine? pg 2: "kinds of technology that don’t get along..." --"didn't" pg 2: so the ethernet is magical and the internet is not? Also, I'm not sure how the college could function without access to the internet. pg 3: I'm not sure yet what's going on in this chapter. It's a lot of description of school facilities and what A's work schedule is like. pg 4: "one seemed to move " --the eyes or the crow's feet? --also, where/why did J pop up from with this person? It seems very sudden. pg 5: what is PPG again? pg 5: "This is my first semester back in school in seventeen year" --okay, this answers some things, but I was very confused why a colleage of a teacher was showing up as a student again. I guess she never finished college? pg 6: again, a lot of technical discussion of what the paper is about, which I assume doesn't actually mean anything for the story. pg 6: "just how far-reaching the repercussions of that day were. " --huh? Why? pg 7: "The injury" --what injury? I think there's a few things missing in here. Is she writing a paper about the event where A failed? What does that have to do with studying healthcare? pg 8: It's a bit unclear when A's reading the essay because it's talking about writing style and grading, which I don't care about, and making vague references to evidently what happened on The Fateful Day. Maybe if A mentally filled in some of the gaps earlier, that would make it easier to follow? pg 9: Wait, is R a healer, or is she being healed? Also, I thought this was about civil engineering? I'm confused as to what R's project is for and what she did for the last 17 years before coming back to school. pg 11: I had a hard time following a lot of this chapter. I think part is that we're experiencing anxiety with A, so it makes the experience jumbled, but I also think a lot of the description of grading and tutoring can be cut out. We don't need to know the mechanisms for how grading works. The focus is A meeting R again. Putting a little more emphasis on that could draw out the characters more. pg 11/12 maybe a bit too much infodump on how magic works, right at the start of the chapter? pg 13: “Well, if the three already know then there is no point hiding from them" --isn't this, like, sort of a national emergency level reveal? I thought the whole point was that A went into hiding because the world was looking for them. Are they in danger of government types looking for them if something gets out? This is a cause for anxiety, but also, really a big deal. I feel like there should be more reaction to this. pg 15: “Someone looking for me might feel the magic" --Yeah, I'm wondering if not enough attention is being paid to The Secret Is Out! pg 15: "have so much healing ink beneath their illusion..." --Confused. As in they have tattoos that heal them? pg 16: "if they wanted physical contact with Jess. Because she was allergic to magic." --did we know that before? Pg 16: I think there could be a stronger arc through these chapters. I don't think any decision was actually made, and A is just assuming they'll break the curse? Also, I'm not sure how much the extra plots of R and J figuring out A's identity matter, if they are already revealing themself by breaking the curse. I also don't know the consequences for it aside from "people will look for them."

Welcome to the first half of chapter 4! In which the colony has its first troubles... Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Silk! Great catches on the grammar and other misses. I love all the comments on the bureaucracy. That's pretty much exactly the responses I intended so I'm glad that's coming across. I think I realized this when I did a read-through and still didn't correct it. All the Gens have been awake the whole time. Vagals come in a out of sus-ani. Probably. I think I was assuming exercises would be standard procedure for everyone, but they probably need extra exercises too. I'll make a note of it. Doh. Will adjust. Basically, yes. Interesting on the light observation. And yes to the last point! You'll see one in a couple chapters! Thanks! I keep waiting for something to be really wrong with these chapters, but they seem to be alright so far...

Thanks @Mwindaji! Yep! I haven't really decided, so whatever you like! I most just imagine readers sounding out a name and going, "waaaait..." Yes. Well. You will... Good catch! I'll change that. yup.