kais

LOL, the 'hairy male captain' was the same from the intro. The reader is left to wonder what happened to Ne, and why Sal is now on the ship. But the captain is the same. Glad this chapter worked well and thank you for reading!

I'd like a slot for next Monday, pending space.

I have an enamel pin, but its highly stylized. The ships are described as being teardrop shaped, capable of seating one comfortably, two cramped. They're generally painted crimson and have a wide, transparent front and top because the Ne aren't particularly technologically advanced and it amused me to think of ground ships having windshields I've reworked this whole area. It was....not well written Because of poor transitions! I've reworked this area, too. Now she has to wait to get to the planet for repairs and decides to relax, so her eyes wander Logic was all wrong. I've reworked the whole scene, which is too long to copypasta here. However for future reference, she now realizes she needs to land almost at the start due to lost cellulose. The K ship comes and offers her a tow and they get the whole rigging set up when the other ships appear. She accidentally detaches the tow line and is left behind. Yuuuup this is my concern, too. Next chapter is also Or, so we will see how that goes. In fact the next chapter may need to come before this one, so I'll be curious to see what people think about it, too. Thanks for these! It helped clean up a lot, especially in terms of motivations and plot. have edited. This was allll very choppy. I got a little cut happy the night before I think. Post edits, she now realizes she needs to land pretty much from the start for repairs. The K offers help and she accepts, but the tow line breaks as they get ready to jump and she is left behind for the pirates. Also clarified her motivations more fully so she isn't a Nee copy. I redid this whole section, too. No more questions! Their dialogue is much less now, and hurried. It's more about degrading ships and getting out before the pirates, though K gets a bit of the critical stuff through before the jump I did not present this well. There's a section like this in....the second book I think, but here I skimmed the explanation. I'll edit. Whoops. Have clarified Bonus, now she has NO WAYS OUT. I hope. I think. Thank you for these! Much smoother chapter now. This whole section got a makeover Poorly. It handles it poorly. I mostly rely on space opera tropes to stay afloat, with the occasional fourth wall 'that isn't how wormholes work why do we call them that' hot take. Expanded that section as well I think that gives her motivation a more personal bend, too. I reworked the whole K interaction. It's now much briefer and conveys far less infodump. It also has O take the K up on the offer to help immediately, but the tow line gets disengaged before the jump, leaving her stranded. I think this will clear up a number of issues I'm hoping the edits I've done here have helped pull her away from N. In many ways they will be similar, but if O isn't distinct enough then I need to gut her character and rebuild. Make her better. faster. less snarky Thank you for these! Very helpful!

Final POV for the book. My concerns are that a third POV in as many chapters will have people lost and not invested in the storyline. I’m hoping I’ve tied it all back to Pruitcu enough that there’s a central line, but appreciate all feedback around this and any other issue. ONWARDS!

Ahhh, solid issue. Have clarified it's from Ard's intergalactic sensors because Ard spies on everything Errr, possibly? I think it was cell as in 'cellulose', but now I have to go highlight it for continuity edits. Will check! Working towards it! Salice has always been borderline autism-coded so I'm hoping to showcase this relationship well enough that you can see that while she isn't the best at emoting, the emotions are still rich and deep on the inside EXACTLY. It's not an ominous trope warning. Nooooo This is a solid point. Have edited Oof, correct. I've changed to: Aww! He grew so much in book three! He had a whole arc! But I'll admit that as a teenager, he's the one I'm least invested in as a character. So glad this went well! I wasn't expecting such resoundingly positive feedback so I guess it stays mostly intact. Thanks! I think it's my only true writing skill LOL it's not something I gave any real thought to other than it needed to be more than two hundred, but less than three hundred I can just cut the Nick part out. That should simplify it ARGHHH you're so right. Making a note to 'search-find-replace' later Oh fantastic! Seems like its right about where I need it to be. Thanks for the feedback! Per @Robinski's comment, I edited to make it clear that Ard has a network of spy satellites basically that feed it constant surveillance info 'Addendum' means 'an addition' LOL exactly 100% correct Hoorah, and glad it works!! There are about four years between this and the end of book 3, and yes 14 years from our intro incident. I'm glad they connect because with three POVs in short order, I think I'll have a hard time with reader investment soon. Thank you for the feedback! I did it in Ard 1, and had agent after agent and editor after editor get on me about it. Ninestar didn't mind as much but even then you should have seen it before my editor got her hands on it. POV EXPLOSION Yes, the things from the intro, and what I'm hoping will be a fairly major plot point. They weren't in the original trilogy because I (mercifully) never showed them hauling saplings. They were in-between Ris hauls when book one happened. That's about the only thing giving me any room to write this new trilogy. Thank you! This is indeed part of the mystery, though the edit I did for Robinski, noting it's being recorded via spy satellite things, should help 100% correct. Excellent I tried to add to add in a few clarifying sentences, but they made the mission more dangerous than S would take on, so they had to come back out. I think for now P is giving her exactly enough information for her to contemplate an adventure. Anything more and she'd call for people more powerful, and that won't work with how the plot is set up. Unfortunately S can't exposits about the J system because she doesn't know anything about it, other than what was given at the very start of the chapter. Hmmm okay. Will revisit. Let's try This is something I'm flagging for another pass. She's 1/2 of the protagonist team, and I'm hoping more specific wants/needs come into play later. She is purposefully a bit 'emotions acted, not debated' but I'll see how this works moving forward. Glad this worked well, and thank you for the feedback! This is where I'm stuck as well. The chapter feels complete, and S isn't an interior person by nature. She'll always act and react more than she will internalize and analyze emotion. I'll see how feedback goes for other S chapters and then revisit this. I've flagged it in this chapter for review. I think just tweaking sentences might help, for instance It was in older drafts but got cut. I'm not sure I'll add anything back in. Does it make you wonder if she's good at computers? That was my hope Check. Edited. Thank you for the feedback. Looks like this is a strong chapter *cough* no, not at all. Why would P move. That would be weird and not at all concerning.... You're very good at the subtext game 100% what I was channeling Thanks for the edits! Looks like this draft is working a lot better all around.

Yes, this exactly. If they are gender fluid, their bodies do not change. The way they dress might, the way they act and and interact in society will, but their coloring (which in birds is so directly linked to biological sex), etc., will not. It's fine to have them change both gender and sex, but again, you need to be very specific about it. Call it out, hang a lantern on it, etc. And maybe have a touch of dialogue where one of them says 'I always find the physical changes stranger to adapt to. Changing my hats is one thing. But when my internal organs move, it is weird' or something akin. So....you're writing intersex characters whose hormones shift to 'activate' only one set of genitals at a time? This will be very tricky road to walk. Hormone surges are inherently sex changes in many cases, and if they happen too fast or too frequently you can just...destroy your body. So presumably your birds have adapted to that over time but we are going to need some very well-written scenes that discuss that change. But also if they are changing active genitals, they aren't gender fluid, they're sex fluid. Writing a gender fluid species would mean their bodies stay the same, but their presentation changes (in terms of their interactions with society, how they want to be addressed, perhaps how they dress, etc.).

I'd like a slot for Monday, pending space

Happy to help. No need to exchange - I've got nothing ready yet. DM me when you're ready and I'll send you my email if you don't already have it from the list serve

Overall Two major points. The first, I'm not sure what this chapter adds to the overall narrative. How does it advance the plot? Could it not be summed into say, a passing conversation in another chapter? It seems to exist mostly to establish characters, but doesn't seem to move anything forward. I'd suggest picking the relevant parts and putting it into a more dynamic chapter. There are elements in here I like, like the color coded gender/sex swapping. With that said, point 2 - you'll need to be clear and deliberate here as to what is being swapped. Is it gender, or is it biological sex? Is it both? From the narrative you seem to be describing biological sex, which would change physical appearances and some parts of brain chemistry (narrowing emotional range when moving from female to male, as an example). However gender, which is in the brain, would remain constant or maybe edge just a fraction in either direction (unless said character was, say, gender fluid). Gender is how we perceive ourselves within our society's context of gender. It is a social construct, can change over time in all humans, and is not rigid. Biological sex is fairly rigid, also defined somewhat by society but has clear categories that most people fall into related to chromosomes, hormones, and physical attributes. Likely you already know this, or at least most of it. My caution comes from the problematic trope in sci-fi of conflating the two. It is very common to have sex-phasing aliens and not address gender. For many trans people this can be a form of wish fulfillment, and of course, we all deserve narratives with wish fulfillment. But the intersex population has, for a long time, raised concerns about this trope and conflating sex fluidity with gender fluidity. Primarily because it erases intersex people, or others them by basically saying it's alien to switch sexes, this never happens on Earth (spoiler - it does happen on Earth). I think you have a good basis here for sex-changing aliens, which would allow for some fun discussions about how their gender is always pretty much the same, but their thought processes go through different channels when male versus female. If you seek publication for this work at some point, you'll want to be sure to run it past a few intersex sensitivity readers as well, just to make sure you're hitting the finer points. I can help of course, but the week-to-week format here doesn't allow for great continuity edits. I'm in the process of a full biological sex shift (intersex is weird sometimes) and can definitely speak to the mental changes as well as the physical. As I go - pg 1: WRS. I am so confused. Have we had a time jump? - pg 1: ooooh, it's a POV hop. I get it - pg 1: +1 for gender convo - pg 2: I don't care for how easily E gives up the tear. She fought so much! And giving it up is very much letting the plot drive her, not her driving the plot. This POV and I currently aren't connecting, either. I'm struggling to get a foothold - pg 3: the change in sex though is very interesting and I'm more interested in them now, though I'd like it to be for personality as well as awesome sex swapping ability. - pg 3: I doubt any of us are in the correct mental state to make any binding decisions at this point. <-- LOL cause they're all dudes now? That seems to be what is implied - pg 4: She had chosen to further imitate humans and their permanent genders <-- I thought they were swapping out biological sex? See discussion above in the 'general' area - pg 5: getting a lot more 'this happened let me think about it' than a more active 'let's talk about it'. Which is a shame because when the two characters talk they are full of voice. I'd rather they have a discussion and react to the events, and we learn about them through the reactions

@Silk you've got another sub request above

We continue on! Chapter 1 proper, which is short and hopefully compelling. I wonder if it needs expansion in some areas, as it’s under 3K words, but I can’t really see where fat could be added. Generally, I’m interested in if you connect with the main character, if the chapter makes sense and ties into the introduction, and if you’d read to the next chapter. I’m attempting the not-recommended thing of three chapters in a row with three different POV characters. I’m trying to tie them all together through a clear central issue (Pruitcu), and hoping that is enough for reader investment. Looking forward to your comments on that. As a side note, I’ve edited some sections of the introduction based on the feedback, and included the major one in the comments of last week’s sub, if you’re curious. It mostly changes the information around the little biometal spheres to include a discussion of fungi. Thanks for reading!

This is a fantastic point. Off to edits again I go. Thank you!

There have been some plot-relevant edits to the spaceport scene with A. If anyone is curious to read them before launching into chapter one, they're behind the spoiler window below.

Another person commented on this too, so I've reworked the scene a bit. Hopefully this is better: I cut it. You're right, the following line was better She no longer throws the pot One is the program (YJ) and one refers to a participant (JY). I've tried to clarify in the text. I've tried to clean this as well. Thank you for the feedback and glad this is cleaner! LOL I really hope not. Edited She no longer tosses and the whole dialogue of that encounter has been trimmed way down and has a lot less of N being a jerk It's in the book of shorts but I've added a clarifying sentence here to help Check I've cleaned this up as I have to change some details anyway (posting the edits on this thread later so people can check them out if they want). Related - I keep waffling between having this be a new character, or just using Chen from the main series. But I wanted N to have her own friends, too, which we never really get a sense of in the first four books. I've changed it to a smaller size Ah sorry about that! I've made its purpose clear This is the book plot... I have clarified this. Good catch This was meant to be more of an Easter egg than anything else Have tried to clarify. This is meant to be confusing because its the greater plot setup I've cleared up a lot of the confusing areas, I think. I'm mostly interested in making sure this is a good launch point for new readers because from the times I've spoken with authors who write series, they often mention the key is that people could cold pick up one and it still made sense. Books one and two could do that, not so much three. Four could. I'd really like five to do it, but we'll see I suppose. It's a good writing exercise if nothing else, especially since I want to use new characters mostly, not old ones. Thank you for the detailed feedback! The intro is much stronger now for sure.

Shoot, clarified this. Good call. Good catch. Thanks for the feedback, and glad this worked better this time around! Rather unfortunately, it has to come somewhere and I'm not sure how else to integrate it. But it's on my radar now. There was, and I cut it. Hmmm. Okay, will revisit. Thank you for the feedback and glad this is working better. Good call. I've eased her temper through that conversation and edited the line a bit, too. It's the greater plot popping up and meant to be a bit confusing so hopefully it isn't too much of a drag. This session of 'tropey space book with lesbians' we get interdimensional fun! Err this was supposed to show something was up. Flubbed it. Will edit. Thank you for the comments! I've cut it down some, but it has to go somewhere, and people were pretty clear they needed it earlier rather than later. Hopefully cutting it down helps. Fair. I can take some out. Thanks for reading and glad this is going better! This is carryover from the first three, so it'll have to stay put. N's uncreative coarseness is central to part of her character. Y gets a lot better with the expletives. She was the primary protagonist of the first three books so this intro is meant to help ease the old readers into a book where she isn't the lead. We will see how that goes... LOL there's four whole books on this! It's hard to write a little intro short like this when there is so much history that I have to compress into about 5K words. This is a good idea. I've added to the G4 transmission: There's a whole little short on it, which we get in a few chapters, but the flying into a tree part isn't in it, so this is a fun teaser. 'A' isn't supposed to make sense to new readers, its an Easter egg for the older ones. Hoorah! And I have a bit more to do with the seed pods, too, to add in at a later date. Still hashing out the greater plot mechanics on this. Thanks for reading again and glad it was cleaner!

@C_Vallion I think the last two-thirds of chapter 1 plus Chapter 2 would work just fine. We are all familiar enough with chapter one that I think we can follow along. Also using this post to request a slot for the upcoming week, pending space.

Overall I went into this assuming it would mostly need to be cut, and that is now confirmed. This is definitely a lot of stuff we don't need (the reader has already assumed it), and some of the emotional beats would be better served in book two, as memories Ir can think back on when things get rough. There's a few little bits I think you could toss on the end of the last sub to give it more punch, but really this chapter does two things I don't like at all: 1) tries to make TBK EEEEEEEVIL at the end, when he was definitely not during the book 2) takes away what little agency Ir had developed and once again lets the plot push her around I'm ready for character growth! I want to see Ir make her own decisions, take her boyfriend, and go on an adventure! I want to see her love her family but know her boundaries, and want to uncover secrets, or befriend TBK, or start down a bad road that the reader can see coming and relishes the journey. This though...is just rehashing more hash, and I think it takes away from the power of the previous chapters. So, save some of this for book two, cut most, and sprinkle a bit in a back chapter, and I think the book will be that much stronger for it. As I go - I will state that I am going into this feeling like the book already ended, so I suspect most of my comments will be 'why is this here? Do we need this?' - pg 2, offer to come with to Clar: I think this belongs in the next book. At the end of this you could have her accept the offer, knowing she has to leave her family. Cold open second book as she's leaving, emotions emotions emotions, Big Event, and J offers to go with her (setting up further romance plot). That would add sexual tension to book two along with whatever main plot you have in mind. - pg 4: It's been a month since the offer? This definitely can be cut. It just makes I look super wishy washy. It'd be a much stronger ending to just have her make the decision, then leave the reader dangling to see what becomes of it. Then they really want the next book! Leave us with anticipation and unanswered questions and a romance that needs to be resolved! - pg 8: Argh, this back and forth! I want I to have grown during this book. I want to see her making choices and driving the plot and being proactive. I don't want her family to make the decision for her, I want her to stand up last chapter and take the plot by the horns and say you know what? I am in control of my destiny and I'm taking these blinders off my eyes and I'm going to go LIVE. - pg 12: yup, all these little vignettes and such can be sprinkled into book 2 as bittersweet memories she thinks about to ground herself when things get Really Bad, and she questions her choices - pg 14: Who is this TBK? This one is evil. The one in the book I read did the best he could for his people. This....this TBK is like a cartoon villain

I’m back, this time with the intention of subbing through most of the book. I’m about 50K in with the writing, which should allow me to keep pace with the feedback and incorporate appropriately into new edits as I go. Since I’m more concerned about content this time than emotional reactions, I’ve included the front matter that will be in the book, which you are welcome to ignore if you’re not a front matter person. It includes a map, Talent Lists, timeline, etc. I’m still trying to walk that line between engaging series readers, and introducing new readers to what should be a stand alone trilogy in an established universe. Comments to that effect (especially about if you’re too confused and would put the book down, or if you’re so bored and would put the book down) are especially helpful. This is no longer meant as a prologue, but more of a launchpad introduction to get everyone on the same page. I’ve cut it down from its original 9K words to 6.1K, and I hope that makes it snappier and more emotionally resonant. Thanks all! Hope to have you around for the whole ride.

Thanks everyone!

Last minute question, but would anyone mind a 6K word chapter? I’ve cut the prologue from 9K to 6 but it’s not likely to get any shorter and it’ll be weird to do it in two installments.

I think it's time to start full-on subbing this book. Can I get a slot for the 25th?

I think we had a thread like this a while back. I've got no issues either making a new one or performing thread necromancy.

Overall The first part was perfect and had great emotional resonance. Loved the return home and the funeral. Past the funeral though, this seemed like a long-winded epilogue. The TBK stuff was good, and with a bit of expansion could be a great way to end the book. But at this stage all the plot points are wrapped so now it seems like dawdling. Unsure what else could change in two chapters, I feel like the end of the book is right here. As I go - pg 1: had always thought ... <-- this paragraph can easily be cut. Just slows down the momentum. Also its pretty elitist of I. It makes me like her less, like she hasn't grown at all through this. - pg 2: I don't think we need I's recount. We already saw it so we know what happened - good emotions through pages 3-4 - pg 6: no queen-consort, ah, but what about a KING-consort? - pg 10: So I'm starting to wonder if this should end before this section. The part with I and her boyfriend is a good end cap, and probably a sound place to end the book--on an emotional beat. This part now is just summation and seems to not have a purpose. This is a good chance to practice the 'in late, out early' I think, - pg 13: yeah, the return to the restaurant, while nice, does not serve a purpose narratively I don't think. It's the kind of thing you could save for an eventual Patreon though, or newsletter - pg 15: ohh, she is seeing TBK. This part I think could stay and would be a good end, too. In fact this would be a great launching pad for the next book - pg 16: weirdly, here is a place where I'd like to see MORE introspection from I. TBK is offering her a job with good pay. I'd love to see her mentally grapple with how he isn't evil here. Like really dissect her previous notions and, for better or for worse, start siding with him. Even if its a slippery slope later to justifying aggression, this is the place to really hit us with her emotional growth, and then end the book

Thank you everyone, for the feedback! Noting the issues new readers were having, and really wanting this book to be accessible to new readers, I've disassembled this chapter. Parts that remain are now almost 40K into the book, and the first part of the book is building up G4 a lot more. Hoping to start subbing through what I hope will be the actual starter chapters sometime soon--likely after I hit the halfway point with drafting.

Overall Good emotions, good movement, nice to see I driving the plot. TBK remains a generally decent being. There were some logic areas, noted below, that threw me, but generally I liked this chapter a lot! Same question. He acts very honorably so why do people hate him? Why doesn't I trust him? I thought about this too, but some of the news stories of late highlighted how some of the men who stormed the capital said goodbye to their families and didn't expect to come home. But some women were SHOCKED they got tear gassed. So maybe S's reaction is in fact very spot on. I'd still like I to like hard core call her on it. As I go - awww, newborn puppies - pg 3: releasing the bodies to the families is yet another nice thing TBK has done, further cementing that I don't think he is a villain at all - pg 3: More honorable than she would have expected from him. <-- why? He is routinely a pretty decent guy - pg 4: I'm 100% on team TBK. He remains completely reasonable and I remains completely Unreasonable in her thoughts about him - pg 8: You can’t choose execution—” <-- how does she know what the options are or that I got her a deal? Something missing here in the timeline it feels like. Also I think this could be a lot stronger if I got to lay out the deal and THEN S was like I don't want a deal from YOU! - pg 8: SORRY WON’T BRING <-- this is weird to me. They went into this to overthrow a government. Of course there would be casualties so this anger seems misplaced. T went in willing, as did S. So I think her anger is better spent on WHY DID YOU BETRAY THE FAMILY and then S can wax a bit on T's heroic death. And I can be shocked by the callousness of it since she is shocked by everything - pg 9: I won’t have what happened to T happen to them <--- then don't have them attack the seat of governance - Ah, I calls her on it a bit but doesn't double down. This could be a great moment to see I actually loose some of that naivety and call her sister on her crap