kais

Not as polished as I'd normally like but hopefully still readable. I'm hoping the emotional impact lands and you feel compelled to move to the next chapter. Thanks in advance for the feedback!

I think keeping it vague is fine. I don't think I've ever met anyone with Klinefelter only, but obviously it exists. In the general population its much more common to have XY androgen insensitivity, which would also give you, I think, what you're after, and might be more understandable/relatable to readers. But if you aren't getting specific, I'm not sure its worth worrying about. Has my identity been breached!? (joking) Also WOW we have a lot of enbies on here now. NICE.

Klinefelter is rare, and may give you borders you don't want later. there are...wow I don't know, probably close to fifty well-documented intersex variations, and then each has plenty of variations on its own, plus all the rare rare ones that don't have names. For this particular situation, I'd argue you don't necessarily need to use a specific template as long as you understand what is encompassed by intersex: variations outside the traditional bounds of 'male' and 'female.' This can be hormonal, genetic, physical, or some combination of all three. You don't have to have ambiguous genitals to be intersex. You don't have to have chromosomal abnormalities. What is very common is that intersex rarely occurs in a vacuum-usually it comes with a host of medical issues that can be life threatening. And I think that's where many authors fall short on intersex--they take the 'cool' parts and never the consequences. Our bodies are not built to walk the line between biological sexes, and doing so comes with a cost in most instances (and I'm not talking social costs, but those are huge, too). So making sure you're writing the whole person, the whole body, not just the part that seems magical, will make the character far more authentic than tracking them with some specific diagnosis, if that makes sense. If you do want to follow a diagnosis template, I'd suggest an 'easier' diagnosis, like congenital adrenal hyperplasia or androgen insensitivity. They're more straightforward, with (generally) fewer other tag along issues and would allow your character to do more, physically. A quick addendum - watch how you deal with gender. Most intersex people are not gender fluid and many are 'cis' gendered (as weird as that concept is when talking about intersex conditions). I'd advise avoiding the tropes of fluid gender for an intersex character. There are gender fluid intersex people, of course, but it's....it's just not as usually seen and smacks more of authorial misunderstanding of the condition. In that same bag is to definitely avoid fluid sex, which again, yes, does happen, but you don't want to get into the weeds on that. Also the emotional and physical costs of fluid biological sex is just...not something most people I think could do justice in writing.

Maybe? You can write generic European fantasy if you’re from a European background. You’ll have a hard time pulling off generic fantasy from a background you don’t share, because you don’t know enough about the cultures at play to generalize. Though you could simplify to a scarf sort of deal and probably be okay. I’ll be interested to see where this goes then. What intersex resources are you using, if any, as a basis for this character? I love to see intersex characters in SFF!

I'd like to sub this upcoming Monday if there's space. Trying to get back into things

Finally feeling well enough after surgery to get to this! Thanks everyone! I've cleaned up the cellulose explanations, eased the passing out scene, and fixed some nit picky thing. It sounds like this chapter generally stood on its own so not too much to do. Looking forward to start subbing again.

Overall Much more plot and narrative structure in this than previous chapters, and I like that we are getting into the meat of the story. I think there are still issues with logic jumps, but this is the first chapter I've really felt a sustained sense of wonder. I think there's some trimming to be done still, but overall I thought this was an excellent installment. As I go - pg 1: She shouldn’t have kept her chickens in an enclosure that was so easy for another animal to get into. <-- I have absolutely no idea how old this girl is, but shouldn't the decision of how to keep the chickens be her parents' decision? - pg 3: well that was unexpected! - pg 4: not sure what the purpose of V's POV interlude is. It seems to slow down the narrative which started very strong! - pg 6: logic jump around Wood Stove that I don't follow. I don't think enough groundwork has been put down and C makes a lot of logic jumps. It makes me feel like there's always missing information that C has, but the reader doesn't, and that makes the narrative frustrating - pg 7: the thing with C on pg 7 where something is flowing out of her is really confusing. I think it needs to be more concrete - pg 8: I like the part about putting the mop into the stove - aww, I love mopdog

Overall I....do not know what the point of this chapter was. It doesn't appear to have a full arc. I think there's too much world building an not enough (or really any) personal motivations, and I'm unclear what the personal and global stakes/goals are. I did enjoy the queer aspects of the world building, and that kept me moving through the narrative, but that just means I'm invested in two side characters and not our lead. This reads more like authorial sandboxing, which is completely fine and legit, but not the most narratively compelling. Some cleaning will help, as will focusing on narrative structure so that we have a beginning, middle, and end. As I go - pg 1: looking for a sign that he was going to die today <-- this doesn't have any tension because I don't yet care about this character, and the way it's phrased makes it sound like he's just looking for trouble - pg 2: I have absolutely no idea what is going on or much about this world at this stage. All I know is our lead appears to be looking for trouble - pg 2: 'power jogging' just does not sound like a very cool superpower - 'formal head wrap' if you are basing this off a culture, you should use their names for the type of headscarf she is wearing. There are many kinds, and cover more or less of the body, and are each specific - pg 4: made the opposite connection as most people <-- what assumption are we supposed to make? That he's trans? Intersex? - pg 5: indicated by green or blue robes for the women and red or orange robes for the men, <-- so...what do the nonbinary people wear? What about our chimera man above? (edit) Ah so he sits with the men and so does our headscarf lady, so there is some fluidity in this...more social roles perhaps? I'm interested in the world building here at least - pg 5: ah a gay protagonist! (or ace/aro) Nice - pg 6: the Red Angel means nothing to me right now. Why he has to fight it really should be set up in the first page or two - the ending is confusing

Overall Much better! You've resolved a lot of the issues, which, of course, let's us find other issues (isn't that always the way? Sigh). My biggest issues in this draft are 1) no explanation of why this day is different than any other day (missing motivation that changes things, such as the inciting incident that lead to C going up the tree), 2) how C responds...she doesn't seem to make clear connections and I don't understand why, and 3) the lack of closing the narrative arc at the end (and no hook to move us to the next chapter, which I think could be as simple as C realizing her actions in the badlands have had bad consequences). But generally, well done! These next round of edits should be a lot more straightforward, and I think we have a solid enough footing now to move forward and really grasp the world. As I go - solid entry line - pg 2: And I’m going to prove it, too.” <-- awesome, and glad she's taking control of the plot, but what got her to this point? I feel like we missed the inciting incident. At this point I have world buy in, and MC buy in, but missing the why - pg 4: so I think actually you could clean up this why with maybe a sentence or two at the beginning that says something like every afternoon, on their lunch break, the kids of Constance go to the edge of the rift and try to bait the curse. They've been doing it for so long, no one knows who started it. Con was determined to end it, though. Sort of a life's mission. It had started because Billy (or whomever) had tossed her favorite doll beyond the rift, left it overnight, and when they'd come back it'd been gone. Searching turned up nothing. Con was older now, no longer cared about the doll, but she couldn't stop searching the waste and wondering...if her doll was out there, what else might be, too? or something along those lines. Just a little hook to give us a reason for this sudden interest - pg 7: How would she know if it were the curse< -- wait what? This is a huge logic leap I don't follow. Wouldn't she just think she is sick or something? Or that she maybe brought back part of the curse with her and it affected her sight? - pg 8: Is 'Chuck' a nickname for 'Charles'? Otherwise I'm confused. Why not just introduce him as Chuck? - pg 9: oh this is a much better setup for the wood stove mystery than before! - pg 9: so her foray into the badlands clearly affected her but she doesn't seem to be attributing it to the event. this is strange and I don't understand why not. A child, especially, I feel like would draw a clear line between 'did something I wasn't supposed to' and 'weird consequence' - the ending doesn't end the narrative arc. What is the hook to lead me into the next chapter?

I'd suggest combining files next time. I have no idea what to read first. Overall I found this all a very choppy read, more like getting bits of a draft that hasn't been finished yet. I think the scene with the twins was the most engaging, but from the wrong POV, and would work better as a flashback during the main narrative. The other two shorts I think could be cut without affecting anything, since I couldn't get grounding in either. The writing was fine, and nothing was hard to read, I just couldn't get a handhold really in any of it except with the kids. For prologues and stuff I think, especially, you really need to hook the reader right from the first page, and that means a quick cementing of the main character and world, so you can build from there. Going right into fighting or having a POV that doesn't engage the plot makes that very difficult. As I go - timeline: I don't usually read front matter because I'm not invested in the characters enough to care. I made it through the first page and left it. I got that time moves differently than ours - The Last Day: there's a lot of redundancy in that first paragraph - this two page thing is far too oblique. It doesn't hook me because I don't get any real information, other than the tropes that this story will use going forward - 60th of Winter: pg 2: they had slaughtered <-- who? The children??? - pg 3: It's weird to be in the POV of the character who isn't doing anything. This chapter would be better suited to C's POV. The girl is just bobbing with the plot and being fearful. She isn't interacting - pg 3: Not the best for us, maybe, but I can see the wheels turning behind those dark eyes of hi <-- I have an almost seven year old and I don't care how intelligent her eyes look, I wouldn't trust her to hunt down family members and bring them to justice. She can barely make canned soup on her own - I think this little bit could be better served as a flashback during the main narrative. It doesn't stand on its own very well, especially without an introspection from the POV character. It would do much better if we got C's thoughts as he bargains - 59th of winter: this was just long fight scene from characters I'm not yet invested in, in a world I don't understand. I'm not sure what the purpose of it is, since it doesn't seem to establish anything

Oooh, glad to revisit this again! Overall It is definitely better than the last round, and I can see your integration of things like arcs and motivations and such. With that said, we don't get an inciting incident and the first beat, to me, was laid out perfectly for it. Those first two sentences of the second interlude could have lead to her forgetting something at the restaurant, heading back, catching TBK and the explosion. That would have been super dynamic! Then the next chapter she could have gone home and chatted with her family, with the readers having a more solid foundation of the danger of the world, and who TBK is. For me, if I picked this up in a bookstore, I would not continue reading because it seems like it will be a politics book, and those aren't my cup of tea. If we did get the exploding restaurant and then I would continue reading, because the chef angle was awesome and much more grabby, and having this chef lose her restaurant in the first chapter would have hooked me hard. As well, I think the global stakes are more or less clear, and the world is clear, but I's personal motivations and stakes are not. I have no sense of doom or urgency for her. I do for her sister, and the world at large (somewhat obtusely) but not for I. Having the restaurant blow up would give me that. Solid progress and well done! As I go - first paragraph and I already care more about this story than I did before. Also I feel more invested in I as a chef, immediately - pg 3: magic world setup is well established. I feel like I have a solid foothold on this fantasy world by here - pg 3: the cruel Fey; intelligent civilized creatures like herself; and the mundane animals that had few uses beyond a food source. <-- I think this needs to be more specific, because it makes it sound like humans are civilized and intelligent and even the intelligent animals are food - pg 4: This would be easier if she could create light I<-- We need a bigger gap between the information about the animals, and I's magic. I'm still digesting what animal can eat what. Shoving I's magic right in the next paragraph makes it lose its importance. It would be easy to skim over. - pg 5: Her mind was crowded with a growing list of things she needed to do if she was going to keep the restaurant and her family alive. <-- This is the point where I felt overwhelmed. There's too much world building in too short a time span. I think we probably don't need the information on animal versus Animal yet. More about I's power/magic and the touch of politics is probably the most you want in chapter one. I'm having a hard time sorting all the elements, and I've been through this before. I think a lot of the early world building here can be pushed to later chapters and revealed more slowly - I think that second interlude could be cut to maybe one or two sentences to lead into the third interlude. It doesn't seem to serve a purpose other than atmospheric infodump - pg 9: this is a lot of politics for a first chapter, especially since it pushes our inciting incident back (which I hope is coming in the next several pages) - no exploding restaurant!

Overall I really need that global plot to come through earlier and stronger. The romance is there and apparent, but the flower is, for me, the actual hook and I feel like it just keeps being teased over and over. At this point, especially in a MG, we should have a solid handle on the global stakes and plot and we still don't have that. I agree with the others that the first beats of this chapter could be cut. I think the dialogue with Brit is great, but would like a ton more on the flower situation. The bi section was a bit strange, but @shatteredsmooth nailed it. As always, the writing is easy to read and flows well. I just need more meat. As I go - first sentence is not a strong hook at all - this whole first page could be cut. It does nothing for the narrative - pg 2: oh god the Oregon coast is cold don't do the bikini! (also 'coast' shouldn't be capitalized) - I think the whole ride to the wherever can be cut. It was slow and doesn't seem to have any plot relevance - pg 6: why is our MC so paranoid? Everything about Brit seems legit, and Er has been persistently kind. Really, the person I dislike the most in this story is our prickly MC - it's page 9 before we get to the plot. I'd like to see this come a lot earlier. The interlude with Brit is excellent but the ride there was painful, and I still have no investment in our MC, who seems to uniformly dislike everything and everyone - pg 11: knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid <-- wait what? Character continuity whiplash. Brit seems awesome, and thus far so has Er. So where is this coming from? Is Eri a jerk, or Brit? It's not in either of their established personalities - pgs 13-14: I have no idea what is happening here

Overall Same issues from before, I'm afraid. Diluted character emotions, confusing world rules, no global motivations. We have growing personal motivations, but they're still murky. Also the lack of chapters is not helping any of this. By this far in I should be invested in either the characters or the world (preferably both) but I feel like I barely have a foothold on anything. In the next chapter if you could even just amp the emotional reactions of the characters, I think that would help a lot. As a former REer used to say, emote for the cheap seats! As I go - pg 1: can remember a time when it was too big, drowning <-- confused. I thought the kids weren't aging? I still have a lot of confusion over world building in this book and how the town works in general - pg 1: how is no one even remotely concerned about a talking bird??? - pg 4: but what is out there, beyond the cursed land, <-- even hanging a lantern on it, this really should have been one of her first questions. Our lead does not seem to have any sense of wonder - pg 5: why are they just now breaking into this barn? What has kept them from it in the past? I am so confused as to motivations. It feels like everyone in this story just woke up when the story started and did not exist before then. And they're still on drugs so their reactions are all cottoned and muted - pg 7: what they do and do not know about the outside world (like what an airplane is) is very plot convenient. I think the rules for this world need to be laid out early on and be very concrete - again, this really needs to be in chapters so it has arcs. It is so hard to get a foothold without arcs

Overall Same comments as everyone else I think. Bit too long with the battle, and I'd have liked to see more actual damage and/or plot progression. I still think it takes too long to get to this small plot point, and I've lost the significance of it between three chapters and WRS. I think we also need a bit more on the world stakes, since this would help clarify the plot. Your writing, as always, continues to improve. Readability was just fine. Dialogue was stocky in a few places, but in others it flowed very nicely. As I go - pls 1-2: the dialogue through here is a bit stilted, it feels like - pg 9: I was entertained for these pages, but now as I hit page nine I'm starting to wonder what the purpose of this battle is, other than self defense, and again wondering about that missing global arc - pg 10: I do love the idea of igniting coal dust during an air ship battle! - pg 13: I think the battle is going on a bit long at this point. I'd like to see some real damage or plot movement - pg 18: I'm guessing that the knight reveal is our plot, but it's so far in now that I can't remember the relevance of knights or what this might mean for the plot. At this stage I could not tell you what the global or personal plots are.

Overall As always, your writing flows nicely and is easy to read. However, issues that started with the last submission only snowball here. The lack of arc is a problem, as is the lack of C's emotion and investment. I need something to happen, or for C to engage with the plot, or to get excited about something. Everything is very dream like and detached, and that makes me not really care about the characters or the setting. I have the same general complaints as everyone else - I don't know what is 'normal' and C is far too trusting/non-emotive. I think if you can make C more engaging, both with her world and the events and characters, it will clear up a lot of the issues. As I go - pg 1: this is all still very internal. I'd like her to talk more, or interact more - pg 2: why does she not react more strongly to the green boy? C doesn't seem to emote much, if at all, which means I don't get pulled into the narrative. If nothing is exciting or noteworthy to her, then it isn't to the reader, either - pg 4: There’s more to the curse than she realised. <-- I am so confused. I need more to go off of, and more emotions. The writing is fine but I feel like we are being purposefully not given enough information to get invested, and C doesn't seem to do much more than ride the ebbs and flows of the plot - pg 6: I have been able to use my raven form for as long as I can remember. I suspect it may be a subtle precursor to the unveiling of my latent Chosen One <-- V breaks the fourth wall and C doesn't even react. This just further distances me from the narrative - pg 8: which is of course the only school in the town <-- we are getting a lot of redundant information from last time - the lack of arc in each sub is also not helping with investment

Overall There's an arc this time, which is good! I can see some progression to the story, and the plot appeared...kind of randomly but it is there. I still don't like our protagonist. She comes off as very distant, aloof, and superior, and doesn't seem to have flaws so much as indifference and holier-than-thou attitudes. I need some humanity. Some vulnerability. We get that a bit with the parents but not in with the other kids, and we need that with the other kids to buy into the eventual romance line. I also want more on the flower thing because it keeps being dangled and then we get no movement on it. The B plot in romance runs tandem to the A plot at all times and right now we have lag time, then a hint of A, then more A, and then these like flashes of B. They should both be full steam ahead from chapter one. Still, good progress! As I go - life going back to normal is not a very engaging first sentence. In general, you want the opening of each chapter to push the reader to keep reading, and the last bit of a chapter to propel them to the next - pg 1: It’s sweet of you to pretend that you care, though <-- why is the mom so passive aggressive? Wow! - pg 2: the chapter is really dragging. We still haven't had any sort of inciting incident or plot progression. In fact I don't really know what the beta plot is (the alpha plot being the romance). But even romance books have a beta plot. - pg 4: Meet me out by the portables right at 2:30. Have your phone on you and be ready to record. That flower he gave me has been acting strange, and he seems to know <-- this all seems to come from nowhere. Why is meeting someone by portable classrooms even remotely sketchy? Why would you bring someone else? Why would you ever suspect a flower is an issue? There are huge logic leaps in here and it's like the characters decided to make a plot all of a sudden - pg 4: Time to unravel what they’re up to, one mystery at a time <-- what mystery though? Up until this page it's just been middle grade love triangles. No mystery at all. This is a very sudden pivot that was not foreshadowed - pg 6: this dance rejection is harsh wow - pg 6: . I know what it’s like, and I hope your family member’s health gets better. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” A pause. “No, sorry. I know I shouldn’t make this about me, <-- he wasn't making it about himself, though. He was empathizing. - pg 7: I still dislike our protagonist. She is just really full of herself. Which, yes, MG/YA protags can be like that, but I haven't seen enough redeeming qualities to outweigh the deep self absorption - pg 8: with a large number of people from an age demographic not known for our decision-making <-- I don't think any teen thinks this way about themselves

Welcome to RE, and well done with your first public critique! Overall It's going to be somewhat hard to critique as we usually do without chapter structures. I think you'll get a lot of harping about arcs and such, since we don't get clear endings. Some more specific thoughts and suggestions are below. With that said, the writing is fantastic and the prose flows very smoothly. I have no technical quibbles with this piece and found it a joy to read. To your questions: 1) I don't have much of a feel for her because I really only saw her do things, or react, in two scenes. The rest was just authorial voice 2) Setting seems fun and creepy! I like the world building a lot 3) Read on--maybe 50/50. I'd give it another few pages to see if the inciting incident occurs, or if we get some global plot. If not, I would likely put the book down. The lack of chapters gives way to lack of an arc, and I want to see my chapter arcs and character movement to feel invested in a book As I go - some wordiness in that first sentence. I think if you removed 'the town of' it would be a really punch first line. We can figure out it is a town on our own - pg 5: there is a very organic and smooth structure through here, and I was along nicely for the ride until the top of page five. I expected the inciting incident from them playing in the forbidden land. It did not come. Which means my investment going forward is diminished and it will be hard to read as carefully because I will be skimming for the incident I felt I was promised early on. I'm still invested for sure, but reader reactions like these can help with edits later on - pg 6: wobbly writing. Ah. Our incident perhaps? I'm invested again - pg 8: I'm losing interest again. Another scene change and I have no feel for where the story is going. The issue you are going to have without chapters is that you likely will not have narrative arcs. Narrative arcs are, for the most part, expected in literature these days, especially YA and MG which have some fairly tight structures. Especially middle grade, where short chapters matter for young readers. I'm going to suggest that you consider breaking the story into chapters, so you can arc each one. It should help keep reader investment higher - pg 8: 'wood stove' is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized - pg 8: I laughed at when she wondered if she was named after the stove - pg 11: a few too many characters at this point, I think, and I don't have as strong a grip on C as I'd like. She's great when she is talking and interacting, but the authorial voice is too much, for me, at this stage, without an apparent narrative arc. Also, C does not yet seem to be driving the story, or have any investment in it. What are her goals? What are the story's goals? What is the global arc of this book? Eleven pages in I should be able to answer at least one of these questions, if not all of them (you tend to get these answers very early in MG and YA books)

I'll be out for the next few weeks. I have surgery tomorrow and am not sure how long it will be before I'm able to critique and such again. Don't have too much fun while I'm gone.

Overall I was very engaged for the first seven pages. The more dialogue that crept in though, and the more S got treated like a child, and the more condescending our main character became, the harder it was to concentrate. The world building through this story thus far is spectacular and very rich, and I enjoy it. The dialogue lags in places, and I don't like how the C/S dynamic is shaping up, or generally how she is treated. If you had another female character it would be different, but since there is only one, she has a bit of a burden to shoulder. I am not at all familiar with Arthurian legends so will bow out of that question. Generally though, I'm always 'on board' for an airship adventure. As I go - pg 2: The honor is yours, I’m sure <-- LOL I'm sure - pg 5: We haven’t used it for centuries <-- solid world building. And the narrative is flowing nicely. I'm well hooked. I'm enjoying the voice in this chapter, too - pg 7: Though I don’t think it would hurt to tone it down from time to time <-- I continue to not care for C - pg 9: You can nae be serious <-- I'd like a bit longer discussion of the map room before this. I too want to be overwhelmed - pg 10: If the town is abandoned, why not take armfuls of maps and sell them or something? Weird to just walk away - pg 11: that Sh-y <-- what are we in? Third omniscient? - pg 11: when I say you really don’t understand my situation <-- it's like C actively does not want me to like him - pg 11-12: I think the narrative would move better if this dialogue got cut back through here. The narrative was really moving until the extensive talking in the map room - pg 12: That’s the strangest timing for advice I’ve ever received.” <-- and the most condescending - pg 12: But just one map, alright <-- A) why is she asking permission? Neither of these men outrank her and B.) no one lives there so RAID THE PLACE - pg 15: Captain, he’s too injured to take place in a battle <-- but can still go adventuring? Ehhh. Inconsistent injuries - pg 15: crossing her arms over her chest <-- why is she acting like the child they keep treating her as? She was competent in the first chapter - pg 16: fixed-position forward guns you see <- while I am interested in the world right now, I don't feel any threat from this ship or the upcoming battle because I don't care for C and have no real feel for his motivations, or the global arc of the story - cute end line

Overall This is loads better than the last version, for sure. The gothic tone has dropped away as well and it's coming across as more standard European fantasy fare, but still relying almost entirely on tropes. The spoon part was good but we need still more uniqueness to really get this narrative moving, and we still need a global arc as well (see below). 1. Is there more tension in this version? ie. Do you feel more imminent danger? There is more, but still not enough to drive the chapter. I need global stakes still. 2. Do you get a better sense of Aurelius? Does he feel like more of an MC? I do, but only in that he seems to be a stock character from a stock European fantasy book 3. How's the dialogue? Better! We have lost the gothic feel. It's still stilted and cliched in places, but better! 4. Do you think this is an improvement from the last version? YES. And nicely done on that. Revision is not easy. I don't care for how much time he spends in his cell, but at least I get a feel for his desperation now. As I go - your first sentence is not a great hook. I'd suggest opening each chapter with a strong, catchy sentence to make the reader want to keep reading - I laughed at the training in the cell. We've moved from gothic atmosphere to a Rocky movie! - pg 2: lot of redundancy on the word 'pain' in this page - I will say that this time around, I have a much better sense of how long he has been imprisoned - pg 2: The hatred he felt towards the guard and the Count inspired him to live on and struggle against hopelessness. He would find a way out, he would find his family, and he would have his justice. <-- this is very shallow motivation, and very tropey. It reads like a comic book for very young children. I want my protagonist to be more complex than this, and he needs more motivation than just blanket revenge to drive the narrative. In books, there are generally two arcs going on at any given time- the global arc, and the personal arc. The global arc is the narrative, the main story that needs to be resolved. The personal arc is the arc of each character, which can be purely emotional, action, or otherwise. Right now we have a personal arc but no global arc, which makes the story seem small and incomplete - pg 3: Could it be that someone used a spoon to slowly scrape away the stone <-- if the stone was soft enough to be scraped with a spoon, it should have also just crumbled by being punched. This prison sounds very easy to escape from - pg 4: timing wise, this is a lot better. - pg 6: why did the count keep him there for that length of time if he never thought the kid would bow to his will???? - pg 6: He would hone that spoon into as sharp of a blade as he possibly could. <-- ah, okay. This plot point makes sense now. I rescind my earlier grumblings - pg 7: was innocent of any crime, <-- why would this matter? The count is clearly evil so why would the kid think he would care about the law - pg 8: Saint Gabriel <-- so this isn't other world fantasy, it's Western European post-Christianity fantasy? - pg 8: span violently <-- assuming you mean 'spun' here - his escape didn't have any really particularly clever elements to it. I'd have liked to have seen a bit more plot involved before he got away

Nothing really to comment on with this. Hoping the emotional arc works and the plot seems to be moving forward at a reasonable clip.

@Silk

Edits! I've more clearly described O's injuries, and now she's a bit more dazed as they are walking (with increasing pain as they go). Have specifically noted they are inside a settlement on the last remaining planet in the system. I've also hung a lantern on O's lack of fear, generally: Which should lead better then into the next few chapters where she slowly realizes things are very bad. Thank you all so much for the feedback! I'm glad O is coming across well!

Up for Monday as well, pending space

Overall Again, easy, clean writing and smooth characters. I think my only real gripe is this didn't seem to advanced the plot at all. It mostly seemed to rehash the first chapter, with a touch of info dump about the science of flowers. I didn't mind any of the scenes, but I wanted at least a bit of plot progression, which this did not seem to have. As I go - pg 1: now that I know he was acting his part and never loved me. <-- from the last chapter it was clear that E was actually a very thoughtful person. This makes our MC seem very shallow and thereby not very sympathetic - pg 2: I'm still unsure where this story is going. The nightmare seems like a more natural start to the chapter arc than rehashing the last chapter - pg 6: competitive sport than a practical fighting style <-- not sure I agree with this. It's just as competitive a fighting style as any martial art, I'd say. - pg 6: And now his close friend is the person who betrayed the person he’s supposed to love. <-- huh? - pg 7: A-A-ron. I <-- since the name is spelled with an 'E' I don't get this - ah wait, I see, it's addressed later - pg 9: leave me crushed, but I can’t get the sparkling petals out of my mind. They look like something out of a fantasy world. <-- this is the first hint of a plot in nine pages - pg 12: on one with weird genetics <-- even talking to a high schooler, I would not say 'weird genetics.' There has to be a more accurate adjective to use