kais

I'd also like a slot for Monday if there's space Edit - just did a word count and its 6,400 words. Anyone mind if I go over this week? I'll try to trim tomorrow before subbing but its a fairly event-heavy chapter

Overall Some decent movement here, though it lagged during the dinner in a few places. For the most part I was fairly engaged. I still don't care for our MC much but this chapter did finally start me on a path to having some empathy for her. I do like the mystery of N and how get more about he's clearly a fairy. I completely agree with the above. As I go - I don't understand the parent exchange. One parent gives some fairly solid advice. The other says it is pessimistic. Then the first is pretty rude to the second. These two are married aren't they? Do they like each other? - pg 3: Take care with your words if you wish for more pastries in the future <-- This is not how teenagers talk. This is so stuffy - pg 6: it was moving at a decent romance clip until the interlude with asking the parents if they want to eat dinner with them. It's sagging through here. Suggest either cutting or setting up situational comedy/drama by having the parents popping down every so often to chat or get something or aggressively vacuum, etc. - pg 7: I’m capable of being attracted to anyone our age <-- surely he has crushes on movie stars and such who are older? - what is a jumpscare? - pg 7: You had better not say whatever mascot glitter companies use <-- huh? - pg 7: honestly the lines in the bottom half of page seven are not making any sense - pg 8: Where are the parents? Also I'm wandering with the singing stuff. I think it's going on too long without the plot really advancing or the date advancing - pg 12: I re-engage around the sunburn stuff - Aww, cute but sad ending

Overall Now that the plot is moving and we are getting information, I'm really engaged. I want to keep reading! Not many comments because I was immersed. A few quibbles and a few places where things were choppy, but to me this is really getting into the meat of the story and because I connected with C a few chapters back, I'm super hooked. As I go - pg 1: “The crux of it is that you wouldn’t be able to live here in town with the rest of us. You would be too dangerous.” <-- This would be a more powerful line if it was just 'you would be too dangerous' - chapter 8: that was interesting! I'd have liked the adult to be a bit more THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES and it feels really easy, still, getting this information, but at this stage in the story I think I'm ready for it, too - I like the end of chapter 10! But I think it needs to be more apparent in the narrative because I did not connect those events to the same time and place until the end cap there

I’ve moved chapters around too much now so I don’t know if this chapter is redundant, or the first time you are all getting this information. Please suggest cuts wherever appropriate. It may cover much of the same ground as the At/E chapter, but I’m not sure. There’s some critical information about what isn’t on the beta plane that has to get across, and they have to get on the planet. Everything other than that may be redundant. Help!

Thank you all for the help! I've combined the two chapters, cutting out about 1000 words and moving the epigraph from the second chapter to the first. The money from Ard doesn't come through right away now, so O has to take the job so that B doesn't have to pay for her. Other change: Yash now encourages O to go have dinner with B after shopping to gab about her purchases and really play up the tourism thing. Thank you all for the help streamlining! I've cut some of the redundancy between the chapters and I think it is stronger for it.

I’d also like a slot for the upcoming Monday if there is space

Overall Good movement here and some strong plot development. I loved the final scene. I'm still confused with G-M (see below) but its nice to have the narrative picking up steam. Generally I enjoyed this installment. I am also frustrated. I wanted her to find something important before the G-M showdown As I go - pg 1: I think part of the disconnect I have with the story and C is using words like 'sounds' instead of 'is'. When you use 'is' it makes it clear C is our POV. Using 'sounds' makes it sound like authorial diction, which puts a layer between the reader and the story - same here: is what Ed has to say when <-- why not just: 'E says'? The former is again, authorial story telling. The latter is immediate character - pg 4: through here I feel like there is a lot going on but I just don't really understand it. I want to. It sounds plotful and such, but it's like I'm missing some key piece that will make everything make sense - pg 10: I still find it weird that no one seems to really react to the raven talking - pg 11: G-M turns to Co with a dumbfounded stare. She’s surprised that Co has learned from her last mistake.<-- There is still a fair amount of this, showing then telling. That second sentence can be deleted. We understand it from the first one - I don't get stuck <-- AMAZING line!

K, some issues with this one. This used to be the second half of chapter ten, and I think hits a lot of the issues people pointed out in chapter ten. Together, they are too long, but noting last week’s feedback now I wonder if I don’t just need to either have them be a long chapter, or get aggressive with the cutting and force them together. Basically this one is all the missing emotional beats. Thoughts on how to meld this with chapter 10, or if it should just be cut, or something along those lines, would be helpful. Or hey if it works, that’s fine too!

Thank you all for the feedback! Sounds like the biggest issue is giving Bell more backstory and character, which I think I'm going to do in a few places, not just this chapter. I often do the romance line last, so it isn't well established yet in this draft (obviously it's a B/O ship). I've got notes and will hit it harder in the next full round of edits. Glad this wasn't too rough! The action should pick up from this point forward, once O crosses the void and all the things hit the fan. Thank you again!

I'd like a slot for Monday if there is space

I think it is because she is frustrated and emoting in this chapter, and I haven't really seen that level of emotion from her before

Thank you all for the comments! I've taken out over 1000 words, added in some more plot stuff (fungal pigment secretions are dissolving cellulose!), and tried to streamline. In the end I think this will end up being a chapter mostly for the older readers, so as long as it wasn't too boring, it should be okay. It does mean that I need the chapter after it to be a stronger installment, so moving on to those edits.

Overall I think if you just flat out cut the first chapter and then trim some of the back half dialogue in the second chapter, this will be a decent installment. W getting over herself and drama to go to homecoming is good movement forward. The bit about the flower is cute. The drama in the first chapter is...very alienating. I'm hoping we get more concrete about the flower soon though, otherwise it is starting to feel like a bait and switch. As I go - not a very strong starting line - pg 3: I am not at all engaged through here. A lot of talking and high school politics that just do not click for me. Where is the flower? Where is the romance (or romantic tension, or just some kind of tension that isn't our MC whining?)? - pg 5: I don't understand the paranoia connection between going into the woods and getting glittered. What if the guy just likes glitter? - pg 5: but really it’s between Ni and Brit at this point.” <-- I agree. Oof. Can our MC stop obsessing about it? - pg 6: It's like every side character agrees with me, that W needs to chill and stop making drama. Then W makes more drama. I do not like this MC and because of that am not invested. - pg 7: in the Willamette Valley <-- *waves from the IRL Willamette Valley* - pg 12: I definitely prefer this chapter. I actually think you can cut the previous one. I don't think it moves the plot and it doesn't do good things for W, imo - pg 14: okay this 'why do you like me tee hee' is going on too long for my taste - the ending is cute

Overall I liked the first chapter, though I think mop dog's POV in it isn't necessary. Same with V in the second chapter. I felt like the info C did get on the stove was a touch too easy to get, and would have liked to see some of the associated fairy tale consequences, or some kind of payment she had to use to get the informaiton (like putting mopdog back in the stove, etc) Mostly I feel like we didn't move forward this chapter. We got some threads confirmed, but there was no real progression. On the plus side, I do finally really like C, and am invested in her journey. As I go - pg 4: V still feels superfluous as a character. I'm not clear what he contributes - pg 5: wait, how does she get to the 'never going to get wood stove explained' conclusion? There's some huge logic jump here I did not follow. There was decent mystery with her suddenly getting a perfect but I don't understand how it so suddenly crashed down here on page 5 - pg 7: the mopdog POV in that first chapter does not appear to contribute to the narrative or story - pg 8: it feels like she is getting this information very easily all of a sudden - pg 10: I still think V's POV isn't necessary. He doesn't advance the plot so much as just tell us about little things. C is really our dynamic character and it is far more fun to watch her figure things out than have little helpers do it

Sorry it didn't get the usual cleaning pass. This weekend was super scheduled. Thanks for reading!

Also up for Monday if there is space

Overall This is definitely the start of the book, for me. We get the inciting incident, goals, motivations, and cool tech. I'd say it goes on a bit long with the info dumps at the end, but for most of it I was well engaged. A good installment, though again, I think you might consider just starting the book around here, instead of the previous chapters. In a bookstore I'd not have made it to this part, even with the cool airships. Still hoping we see a full on airship battle soon! As I go - I continue to love that ship name - pg 3: I would take it from your calm and measured response <-- the issue with calm and measured responses is that there is no urgency then to get the reader amped - pg 4: I feel like it is taking too long to get to the action. Promises from the end of last chapter and start of this one are airship battle! Yet right now we still have posturing and talking - pg 4: C has a lot of exposition on this page - pg 6: even with your Arthurian summary, I'm lost. I have zero background in this lore, unfortunately - pg 6: so instead of a battle there will be a duel? I feel like reader promises were not kept here - pg 9: so they inherited a machine spirit? But doesn't the Jenny already have one? Will that be an issue? - this description on page 11 would have been better in the first chapter. It explains so much of the world and gets me much more invested - pg 12: yes, definitely would have liked all this sooner - pg 13: She is merciless and oppressive <-- this makes me want a second POV with her, that alternates chapters so we see the other side of the story - pg 16: it seems like the book really starts here, with the inciting incident and now our MC having a goal and direction. I'm much more invested through here than I have been in previous chapters. I feel like we finally have motivation, goal, etc. - pg 18: getting long in the tooth here. I'd say end it around page 16. Getting more info dump now on the machine spirit is pushing things

Overall This installment had good pacing and I enjoyed the character engagement. This had more of an arc than most of the chapters you submit, so I liked that. Not keen on another POV when I don't feel committed to either of the previous two, but mopdog is pretty cute.The kids' voices aren't really distinct enough for me to tell them apart without the dialogue tags but C is getting a more distinct voice, so progress there. Nice job on the pacing! As I go - I need a mopdog - pg 3: I don't think I care for another POV. I still don't really care as much as I should for our lead character, and I don't have handle at all on V. Getting a mopdog POV isn't giving me the handhold I need into the story - pg 3: yellow with human skin grease <-- ewwww - ah, we have a semblance of plot!

S for discussion of sex and some suggestive nudity. No actual sex. Moving right along. There are three main beats in this chapter and I’m hoping they tied into each other well and that you feel like this chapter does move the plot forward and doesn’t just rehash what we already know. It’s got some critical emotional points for readers from the first four books but I don’t know how new readers would see it. Thanks in advance!

Correct! This was the first set of four books I did originally have it happen this way, but ended up nixing it for this instead. I think it works better just because we can get to the meat of the main plot sooner, but time will tell. The chapters leading up to this built this emotional arc so this definitely wouldn't make sense coming in cold. Sorry about that. Thanks everyone! Looks like not much to edit on this one, which means likely next chapter will require a lot of editing. I appreciate all the feedback!

I’d like a spot for Monday, but I likely won’t be able to submit till Tuesday if that works. Wild weekend. So I can skip a week if someone needs the slot, too

You can kill a vampire with a wood stake, which is very easy to make from breaking a chair. Legs on wood chairs, spindle backs, they snap really easily. Also I blame this on growing up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They get bound to a person, but then that person has to give their heart away, so they don't stay as a couple.

Overall I don't understand why C is taking the bait if she knows it is bait. Surely there must be other ways to find out the truth about the stove, like continued experimentation. That she isn't taking charge of the plot and just riding along keeps me at an emotional distance from her. Now G-M, she was great. Very engaging. I more want to follow her now, than C. Writing is still smooth and the voice is stronger in this installment, thanks to G-M. I think really it's just C I'm hanging on. As I go - pg 1: how do supplies get into this town if its all isolated??? Where does the dog food and bed and stuff come from? I have questions - pg 2: ah, I see my question is (more or less) answered. Well done - G-M thus far has the most personality of any of the characters. I was super engaged during this beat - pg 9: I like the baiting, but C's response isn't as...I don't know. It falls flat for me. If she knows she is being baited, then there is no tension. Without tension, the momentum of the plot falters. With G-M it was strong. She has a strong personality and strong motivation and she moves the plot forward. C just...continues to let it happen to her - pg 10: if she knows she is being baited, why is she still going to try for good marks?

Welcome to RE and congratulations on your first sub! Overall That twist at the end was fun! I think it needs a bit better integration, or maybe I'm still having a hard time with how well the BF took the vampire thing. Overall, I was very engaged with this. it was well written and had good flow. A few comments below, and I'd like more reaction from the BF and some clarification along the points you are trying to make with aromanticism / asexuality (couldn't tell if one or both), but otherwise I think its a clever take on the soulmates trope. Though I do remain wondering how this custom came about and why it persists. I think a sentence or two discussing that could be useful. As I go - strong intro lines - pg 1: errr...are vampire hearts not prone to decay? How is it not on ice? How are there not sterile procedures? I cannot suspend disbelief for this without a bit more info on vampires - pg 2: and that was an unexpected twist. So this is a fated lovers romance with vampires? Sure. I'm in. It's also...so much more gruesome than usual - pg 3: wow that isn't soulmate so much as hyper manipulative. Interesting twist - pg 5: would a vampire not be a little fearful of sitting in a wooden chair? I feel like they'd be more into plastic furniture. COuldn't be turned into a weapon then - pg 9: I think here is where the narrative loses me. I'd like D to take more time dissecting romantic versus platonic/family love, and find value in both while also noting she isn't into the former. Here it seems just dismissive of romantic love without any deeper discussion or observation, and that makes D seem cold - pg 12: I don't believe that the BF took the vampire thing in stride like that. I'd like more disbelief or at least learn how he deals with it so well - wait...so they can't keep the romance they found???

Overall While yes, the romance is apparent, I think you have two chapters here. There are two arcs happening, one with N and one with A. if you break them apart, trim the excessive dialogue, stick in flower plot relevance, and then end about a page early on that last chapter, I think you'd have two strong installments that keep reader engagement. I'll add that I'm still struggling with out MC. She's deeply unlikable and seems to create more drama, then complain about it. I know she explains why she thinks the way she does but she keeps engaging in drama and gossip. I'd think that if she hated it that much she'd just...not engage (also...Willow uses she/her, right? Or no? I've forgotten. Sorry!) As I go - not a strong opening line. It doesn't make me interested in the chapter or compel me to read further - pg 2: of all the characters in this, our MC is definitely the most passive aggressive. Also, two pages in and there doesn't appear to be a chapter arc - pg 3: ah, so N is a flower? Is that what we are getting out of this chapter? If so I think the flower needs to be more present and really driving the narrative. Right now our MC's bitterness is all that is driving things and I find her generally unlikable, which would be fine if her other 'sliders' were higher - pg 5: is the pending dance homecoming, or prom? I'm confused - pg 6: Is he telling the truth <-- he's only ever told the truth. Why would she doubt him? I don't understand why she is so prickly around absolutely everyone. Everyone seems genuinely nice to her and she responds to coldly, even paranoid. It almost makes me think the arc is the MC eventually coming to some self realization about how she acts, more than anything else - pg 8: this conversation is going on too long. I want more beef to the plot movement. Just say yes or no to the invite! - pg 8: All this social maneuvering is exhausting. This is why I don’t trust people <-- thus far it seems like our MC makes up most of it in her head - pg 8: but I don’t know what I did wrong <-- I don't know what he did wrong, either - pg 11: I think the convo with N and then the realization with A are two different chapters. there are two partial arcs here and no full one. I think separating them out and adding in flower plot will make them both more robust - pg 14: I'd suggest ending the chapter on him saying yes to homecoming. We don't need anything after it and it would make the arc more powerful