kais

Overall Same as @Mandamon, I am unclear as to the purpose and arc for this chapter. She seemed to be aimlessly moving through a day, maybe with some anxiety, maybe bopping in and out of a demon world. But it didn't seem to move the story forward any, and I was very unsure what was happening at any given time. I think maybe plotting the arc out on paper might help clean things up a bit. I still really like the story premise so hoping to see things take off soon! As I go - pg 1: a lot of repetition on 'breathing' and 'breath' in the first paragraph. Same with 'harbor' - pg 4: nothing has yet happened in these pages. They don't seem to be advancing the plot, so might be best to cut them - pg 6: okay so....why is our MC warning people about demons? I thought she didn't care? Or is this the other woman? I'm super confused - pg 7: how A runs the universe <-- is this another dimension or something? Who is A? Allah? - pg 12: the friend conversation also does not appear to be building to anything. I'm unsure what the arc is for this chapter - pg 14: so is she popping in and out of a demon world? Is that what is going on? I'm so confused

Hey look, I'm in the right week again! Overall Good tension through the first 3/4, and I loved the name reveal with the king. A great interplay there and some solid worldbuilding. It's the first time I've really cared about the king, since he keeps being name dropped and backstoried but we never got anything concrete. Now I enjoy him as a character and am interested in backstory. I think the bit after she leaves the king's chambers could be cut easily. it doesn't add anything and just bleeds tension from the rest of the chapter. By the end I have no real forward momentum to keep reading. A solid installment though, as always! Same issues. As I go - pg 1: lot of redundancy on the word 'room' there in that first paragraph - pg 2: good tension through here - pg 3: nice reveal! Love it! - pg 3: a lot of repetitions of I's name, when 'she' would work much better - pg 5: by this point, I's internal monologues are draining. I want the scene to move forward! - pg 5: she's going to learn an instrument....overnight!? - pg 6: I actually think it was scarier without the direct command part - pg 9: why is she not panicking over this music assignment?? - not a very strong ending. It doesn't make me want to flip immediately to the next chapter. I'm wondering if it shouldn't end right after dismissal from the king's room? That would end on a higher tension high note and really lead into the next chapter

@Turin TurambarKrampus holiday demon erotica behold the wonder/horror

Almost caught up! Overall It's a neat concept, definitely. The arc of the story is what I'm not sure on. I also don't know what the plot or purpose was. What does our MC want? Why is she the demon's accountant? What does she get out of it? Why did she agree to it? What is the purpose of the story? What are her challenges and how does she deal with them or overcome them at the end? For your question "what is going to happen and why," I don't know, because I don't know where the story is going. I need more motivations before I can even hazard a guess. Again, I really enjoyed the premise, but I think knowing she was his accountant like in the first page or two would have been excellent, leaving more space then for building stakes and a plot. As I go - some redundancy and tense changes in that first paragraph, making for a bit of a rough start - pg 1: those are some fancy cabinets if they have mahogany veneer! - pg 3 and we don't have any clear direction for the narrative, nor motivation. It's getting harder to stay focused - pg 3: lots of tense changes in this page, too - pg 5: this is starting to get the feel of one of those dirty Krampus books and I'm so here for it - pg 7: while I'm amused, I'm still antsy. I have no idea what the actual plot is, or the main character's motivations. That makes it hard to stay interested and focused - pg 9: we definitely do not need an entire page on them eating food. - pg 11: tense change problems again through here - pg 11: so she's the demon's accountant? - pg 19: you have 'burnt flush' when I think its 'burnt flesh' you wanted

Still playing catch up. Overall Strong start once the intro was over and the language cleared up. I was hooked until I got so confused I couldn't figure out the story lines. I liked the idea of the creature and the blind girl. I liked the creepy feeling and her what appears to be psychosis. Once the dream happens and he becomes a boy I got very confused, and remained so through the rest of the story. Maybe more clarification? Be more direct about the concepts we are supposed to get? Generally the writing is nice and compelling, but it's the overall arc and clarity that I think could use some work. As I go - pg 1: All of listed were <-- there are some slightly awkward phrases here in this first paragraph - pg 1: the imagery is pretty but the prose is still...just a touch too wordy to follow without really concentrating. That means I can't focus on the story and keep getting sidetracked by trying to figure out what the words are trying to say - pg 5: once the story gets going and we leave the more extensive prose behind, it flows well. I've got a strong interest in the story and am well hooked - pg 7: errr okay, Depressed Girl is now Creepy Girl - pg 9: yes, very creepy - pg 13: wait, he was dreaming about being a boy but...then he was? This scene is very confusing. What did the girl do? Was he turning himself human and then she....worked magic? I don't understand at all - I have no idea what the end beat is about

@Snakenaps and @Turin Turambar for sure!

This was much improved! Sending edits via email with track changes

Slowly trying to catch up from my week of corn fields and machetes Overall Solid chapter, and enjoyable. Loved the changes to the kitchen scene and was very happy with it. Could have lived without the POV change and I think the tension could have stayed strong without it, just the kitchens, the name, then getting called in by the king. But overall a very nice installment! You can not know either, but pronouns are for gender, not sex. Semantics, maybe, but hopefully useful as you build a mental map to this character. You can know the character has, say, a penis, but it's the gender that gets the pronouns. Sex is just... sex. A mashup of chromosomes and hormones and body characteristics. Gender is who you are. As I go - pg 1: I think what keeps bogging this down for me are the bits that repeat what we already know. Like this line: It wasn’t particularly surprising. P appeared older than I’s own parents. We already know most of this. I'd rather keep with the flow of dialogue then get more thought at this stage - pg 3: She never, ever wanted to leave. <-- great emotion here! - pg 5: taking her own pastry from his dark hands <-- flagged because it stands out. And if it stands out that tends to mean I've not seen pale hands, or white hands, mentioned, or enough other skin tones to make this not stand out - pg 7: ah yes, these early pages are much better now. I'm starving! Plus, the little name thing at the end kept tension high - pg 9: the tension actually goes away when we switch to W's POV. For me, the tension was in the suspense of knowing the named person was probably up to something. But then we get to know exactly what that is, so it spoils what had been excellent momentum - pg 10: +20 for singular they pronouns

Hi @Turin Turambar! It went to my agent, who loved it! He wants me to make it more fantastical though, so before it goes out I'm replacing the railroads with pegasi, really going all out weird fantasy. He basically told me to let myself run wild. So starting next week I'm stripping out all the 'real world' elements, going full on silly, and notching M's arrogance up a bit at the beginning. I might send a few chapters back through here before sending it back to my agent. Unsure. I can always send you the full to read after this next round of edits if you want? I'll need fresh eyes anyway.

Murder? Not a whole lot, honestly. Threat to my kid of any physical kind, threat or rape or death to myself or partner, a persistent assailant on a sex or racially motivated attack that I intervened on if the person didn't stop after the first several interventions. Terrorist organization? I suppose if they were also doing good work I could maybe mentally do gymnastics. Like, they supply guns to someone but also fund all the schools in my state and fund them well, if I was in extreme poverty and needed to provide for my kid is another potential

There's actually only really one or two 'right' ways to write a query, at least in SFF. Queryshark is a great place for query letter examples, and you can always sub one through here in a crit spot if you want our help, too!

I'm agented and generally really enjoy it, though it does slow the whole process down. But eventually it should pay off with big advances and things (heck, even a small advance would be fine!) I also like knowing someone 'has my back' in the industry. Plus I get to meet all sorts of bigger name people through my agent, and through events like WorldCon and such because of the circles he's in. Agents are definitely gatekeepers of Big Five, so if you have a dream of accessing places like Tor and such, an agent is your only option. But it is sloooooooow.

The general consensus is that you spend a few chapters in a POV before switching, especially early in a book, to get readers invested in a character. Otherwise you switch out and people just drop the book because they’ve already invested time in one character and don’t yet care about them, so why would they invest time in yet ANOTHER character?

Unnecessary Cow POV is my punk rock band name Overall I think the only real new information is the first section. The other two just rehash what we already know and don't add anything to the plot. But the first part is really fun and a good start to a chapter. I 100% agree. I want to be amazed and see the world through a cook's eyes! Also I still think it's weird that there are sentient and non sentient versions of animals, and that animals eat other animals. Would a sentient chicken eat a nonsentient one??? As I go - pg 3: ah yes, the P POV doesn't seem to add anything to the plot - pg 4: They both watched with envious pleasure as the small woman feverishly described her day. There's a fair amount of this going on in this chapter, wherein you've just showed us something, then tell us about it. These types of lines can be cut. They don't give new information and bog down the narrative - I also don't think the third beat is needed, either

Overall I need more on our MC before I can be invested in what is going on. The interaction with the father doesn't tell me as much as I would like. I think I need time in her head, since the first half of the chapter seems to mostly be about P, and the second is mostly the father. It feels more like she is a vector for their storylines than driving her own. For me, this would be too many POV characters so early in a book. In a bookshop, I'd put the book down. Good point: agree. I leapt to the assumption that it is the priesthood that runs the country, or at least the city, either a theocracy, or as the tool of some monarchy's authority? I wonder if this was supposed to be explained in the prologue, or Chapter 1? If so, I did not really get that as clear takeaway, or it's WRS and I've forgotten. #iagreewithmandamon I don't think it's essential--I was willing to go with the vagueness--but I agree it reduces buy-in to dad's motivations, and therefore by association to H's. I was in doubt over this. I mean, he certainly verbally abuses her, but with the blow coming from his arm, and not his hand, it sounded less deliberate to me, and I almost thought it was accidental? Unsure, but I kept reading, figuring it might become clearer. Good point. I meant to comment on the last line of the chapter too. Juices running down his chin is a really trope for someone being greedy and generally vile. I'll third the concern over these tropes. As I go - pg 1: redundancy on 'stood' in that first paragraph - pg 3: It's really hard to stay focused because I don't know anything about our MC here. I don't know what she wants, her motivations, anything. I think we need more on her before she really starts to engage and try to deal, because without that backing, her deals don't mean anything - pg 4: why is this in the girl's POV? It seems to be more about P and the volatile temper - pg 5: her dad is in his late 30s and has an 18 year old daughter? He got busy young! - pg 6: the dad calls her an idiot but then wants her to do the infiltration? This doesn't seem consistent. Something is off about the interchange, for me

I enjoyed both (I'd not read the short story). Neither were as good as the trilogy for sure. And I agree completely about the Orson Scott Card Series. Didn't like it nearly as much as Ender's Game

@Snakenaps Did you want picture/early reader books too, like Jane and the Dragon by Martin Baynton and such?

HARD agree. It is hands down the best in YA fantasy. In my top three of overall fantasy series ever. @aeromancer you know Nix has done a few more, right? Goldenhand and one other. Not quite as amazing but still excellent.

Noooooo to The Help! It’s white savior crap. Not a good example at all and there are SO MANY better books out there, especially by Black authors, that tackle the same subject matter without it being all ‘oh the poor Black people who need white people to stick up for them’ and 'I need to see Black people being denigrated in order to feel sympathy’

MG Dealing with Dragons series by Patricia C. Wrede (four books) Thirteenth Child by Patricia C. Wrede Huntress by Malinda Lo (prequel to Ash, by the same author) Secret of the Princess by Milk Morinaga (we could go down the manga hole here...) Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor Jackaroo by Cynthia Voight Homecoming series by Cynthia Voight I'd need time to dig more, these are what are on the front of my kiddo's bookshelf. YA (again) The Scorpion Rules by Erin Bow Rule by Ellen Goodlett The Map of Salt and Stars by Jennifer Zeynab Joukhadar (recent name change there though due to transition) The Abhorsen series by Garth Nix (starting with Sabriel) The Girl from Everywhere duology by Heidi Heilig For a Muse of Fire duology by Heidi Heilig I have an endless supply of YA I think... And you DO want contemporary? Like, contemporary romance? I have a bunch under contemporary YA romance for sure, with diverse casts by diverse authors. edit: I left out a critical adult book! Trail of Lightning by Rebecca Roanhorse! Native ownvoices with kick butt female lead!

Overall Your characters in general continue to leap off the page, and I deeply appreciate the diversity and descriptions. My biggest problems are too many POV characters, especially switches mid-chapter, over and over, which don't allow me to really connect to the plot or people, and the chapter arcs that either aren't present or don't land. It might help (might) to sort of draw the chapters after they are done. So take your start, middle, and end, and graph them to see if they arc. Is there an issue at the start, then they work towards it, then they can either resolve it or move forward? Are there upset emotions that have to get discussed and then moved past or resolved? I keep looking for how each chapter wraps up, what ties it together as a chapter, but right now it's like a series of vignette snapshots that don't appear to be related. There's really good stuff in here! I think it just needs some editing for clarity and arcs. As I go - pg 2: with fancy floors and all kinds of unnecessary amenities like hair salons and chocolate shops.<-- great detail here! - pg 3: I remain not a fan of POV changes mid-chapter. It doesn't leave enough time to get invested in anyone. With such a short time with our first MC, I wonder if the entire first part could be cut? Does it advance the plot more than 'she arrived and met with her uncle'? - pg 5: for sure, more than a little bit stupid <-- but she got the documents she was asked for quickly and on her first try - Y's POV is very telly and doesn't do much showing at all. It reads more like a long info dump and we aren't in her POV long enough to get any real sense of the characters involved. I'd suggest cutting until she can have her own chapter - pg 6: It had a high collar, and stopped at the mid-thigh but covered the entire arm -- including hands and fingers.<-- Was the chapter supposed to end here? If so, I'm unclear what the arc was for the chapter. We had two POVs and three switches, but none of them seemed to serve a purpose other than 'this is what is happening in this place in time.' Noting that, it might be best to cut all of this and put them into their own chapters so they can each have their action or emotional arc. - pg 7: fourth POV in three chapters is too many. Focus on one character for at least one whole chapter (or even a few chapters) before switching to gain reader investment, has always been what I've been told - pg 7: How have they been divorced for years but still be arguing over who gets the house? That should have been worked out in the divorce settlement before the papers were signed - pg 9: another POV. It's way too many and I'm having a hard time staying engaged because I've been introduced to too many people and settings and I don't yet have a feel for the world, or the stakes, or any of the characters aside from our first one - pg 10: while his husband shook his head. <-- YAY! - end of 11- top of 12: This is a rehash of the same event from another POV. It really slows the pacing and while it does offer some new info, I'd rather get that info contextually from just one POV and one setting. Also I'm not clear why it's a shame they fell in love. Is one pretending or something? - pg 13-14: wait, is he talking to his dad or his husband?? Oh wait I see, A is his father. But his tone just really changed there. - pg 14: Otherwise he was just a big jerk who’d refused <-- this is great! - ending: again, unsure of arc

Goodreads lists for more, especially with intersecting identities Asian + queer (Ash by Malinda Lo is BEAUTIFUL, and MG/YA, with likely nothing at all objectionable) General WoC + queer Fantasy novels by women of color Speculative fiction by women of color (Octavia Butler IS A MUST) Queer women of color My own list, constantly updated, for books featuring wlw (women love women) or f/f speculative fiction, mostly all adult, broken out by genre. If I've read it there's a review so you can check for content. I have a crap ton of middle grade I can dig up too if you want? Also do you want contemporary??

Overall It was well written, but I'm not sure how it advances the plot at all. We don't get any new information and mostly rehash old information. It looks like there was an attempt to do an emotional arc by confiding in the sister, but I don't feel any...real pull from that. I didn't have any tension about her family not accepting her, so this talk through didn't resonate. I'm all about emotional beats and family discussions, but I need some sort of tension pulling me through. What is the big overarching plot? Has she found any spies yet? What is the potential situation with the sister? Might she be disowned? What are the emotional stakes here? I also really want the plot to move. It's so enticing, and we had a good start to it last chapter, so I'm ready for things to take off and for us to get another inciting incident for the movement of the plot. It can be an emotional inciting incident, but I need...I need a spark in this, or some hot embers going in, to stay invested. As I go - pg 1: decorated in a high degree of clay. <-- I don't understand this. The clay is a nice clay? There is a lot of clay on the table? - pg 1: The blacksmith’s dark skin <-- we are getting a lot of dark skin descriptions and not really any on the white people. Yellow flag for white default - pg 2: They shared the same brown, slightly wavy hair, the round face, and button nose<-- red flag, no skin tone mention. White default alert - pg 4: Four pages in and nothing has happened that advances the plot at all. Are these pages necessary? - pg 9: no new information being presented through these pages. We already know what she does and how she does it

Overall The emotional arc confused me. I like the connection between the two characters and it is progressing the relationship nicely. I thought Mi's emotions were too often told and not shown. The end of the chapter confused me. he wants to break if off to protect her (trope! take a drink!) and she's upset....why? She doesn't say 'I don't need protecting I'm half angel you human nitwit' or anything, just talks about how he's okay with mind reading and such. So the ending doesn't really land for me. Otherwise the chapter had good progression! As I go - every chapter starts with food and I love it - those first couple paragraphs are heavy with 'felt like XYZ body thing,' but I think we only need maybe one of them. The rest could be shown through action - pg 4: How dangerous <-- I think my question would have been more YOU'RE HALF ANGEL WHAT?? - pg 5: Since we can see into Mi's mind, I'm grumpy we get told his emotions and don't see them through his actions and words and thoughts - pg 8: His anxiety calmed down, but the anger and guilt got stronger <-- yeah all this stuff I want to see, not be told - why is she storming out?

@Snakenaps I have more. So, so many more. Let me know how much more you want. These are all spec fiction, mostly SFF, but I have contemporary lists, too. I can also do an entire list just on POC if you'd like. Adult The Tiger's Daughter by K Arsenault Rivera Safety Protocols for Human Holidays by Angel Martinez The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers The Mirror Empire by Kameron Hurley Daughter of Mystery by Heather Rose Jones Starless by Jacqueline Carey The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling Compass Rose by Anna Burke Velveteen vs. The Super Patriots by Seanan McGuire Shell Game by Benny Lawrence The Solstice Pudding by Angel Martinez Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant Yule Planet by Angel Martinez An Accident of Stars by Fox Meadows The Adventures of the Incognita Countess by Cynthia Ward The Wrong Stars by Tim Pratt Love Beyond Body, Space & Time edited by Hope Nicholson The Black Tides of Heaven by JY Yang The Winged Histories by Sofia Samatar Ruin of Angels by Max Gladstone The Stars are Legion by Kameron Hurley Barbary Station by R.E. Stearns Ascension: A Tangled Axon Novel by Jacqueline Koyanagi City of Brass (trilogy) by Shannon Chakabotry Moonshine by Jasmine Gower The Exile and the Sorcerer by Jane Fletcher The Ardulum Series by J.S. Fields (oh look, this is me. HELLOOOOO) YA Tarnished are the Stars by Rosiee Thor Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller Every Heart a Doorway (long series, all applicable) by Seanan McGuire Keeper of the Dawn by Dianna Gunn Crier's War by Nina Varela Adaptation by Malinda Lo The Rampant by Julie C. Day Santa Oliva by Jacqueline Carey Dread Nation by Justina Ireland Princesless. Raven: The Pirate Princess by Jeremy Whitley Ruin of Stars by Linsey Miller Dreadnought by April Daniels Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurts Lunav by Jenn Polish The Scorpion Rules by Erin Bow Magnifique Noir by Briana Lawrence MG Not Your Sidekick (the whole series) by C.B. Lee