kais

Welcome to RE! And ooooh I love a good map! Overall I think this is a good world sketch. Like many first/early drafts, it is more of an authorial sketch than the start of a book. BUT that is easy to rectify! I think some solid trimming is in order, especially cutting those first eight pages, getting right to the inciting incident, and laying down the overarching goal for our characters. Inciting incident and goals are the critical elements to a first chapter, while also investing the reader in the characters. This has all the elements except goals, but they're buried under fluff. A strong trim should bring them out more strongly. Honestly no, because by the time I got there I was so disengaged that it was hard to focus deeply on the narrative. I kept skimming around for the goals of the characters to see who I was supposed to be connecting to. If that is the purpose of this chapter, I'd recommend cutting it entirely. You can do all those things with the characters you are introducing in the first chapter, and more fluidly. As @Mandamon said, prologues aren't very popular with agents and publishers these days, and most won't even let you submit them. The idea is that it is either a chapter that can stand alone, in which case, it is chapter 1, or it's backstory that could be better woven directly into the narrative, so should be cut. If 'father's is genderless, why not 'mothers'? My point being that inherently gendered words cannot be genderless--they insinuate male default. YES. Stakes are also missing. As I go - Those first two lines are a good hook - pg 1: People still insisted she <-- too early for infodumps like this. I'd rather get into the narrative. this slows it down - pg 2: Could she still handle all <-- yup, way too much introspection for an opening chapter. I'd cut all this and get to the action/inciting incident, whatever it may be - pg 3: it sounds like the inciting incident is going to be something that happens at the party. Hence, I would suggest starting the narrative there or just before. These first three pages provide backstory but no solid hook yet - pg 4: POV change: these are generally not recommended mid-chapter, especially for a first chapter. It is a good idea to give several chapters with one POV, especially at the start of a book, to get the reader invested before moving to another. At this stage I do not yet care about A, so moving me to J just makes it even harder to get involved in the narrative - pg 6: it's hard not to skim at this point. I don't care about the groundwork being laid around the protestors because I don't yet care about the world or the characters. Their protesting doesn't mean anything to me because I don't know whether or not I care what they are protesting about - pg 8: here is our inciting incident, definitely too late for a hook. I'd suggest maybe a page of them being at the party to give some world flavor then get right to the screaming. Give us the background info from these 8 pages in-world as we see the action unfold - pg8: there's also a trend here of a character thinking something introspectively, then saying the same thing out loud. One or the other works, but both is redundant. Generally, them speaking is preferred to extensive inner monologue - pg 11: an extended fight scene is also probably not great here. Again, I don't have enough character buy in or world understanding to know who to root for or care if one of the POV characters gets injured. Also, I don't know what the through-line is. What is the overarching goal of the POV character(s)? What are they fighting for? - the end doesn't land for me, mostly due to the previous comment about not having a clear goal

Overall There are some good tension points in here, but once again surrounded by fluff. I think your first chapter starts around page 7 with TBK's POV. The rest can be cut. And then the following chapter has some great politics talk and family tension, but I think it's just a bit too padded still. Same here, as did the no politics at the table! Lines. These are all things that are used in our current world by white people as a form of their privilege, and so it's hard to read it in a novel and not think how nice, to get to avoid politics. How nice, to think peaceful protests ever do anything. I think with these types of instances in the book, you'll have a hard time selling it to any agent/publisher with a marginalization or who is engaged in the BLM movement. They're...just phrases and situations used by people in power, and they don't make me sympathetic towards I's family. As I go - pg 1: this is a very slow start to the chapter. At this stage I definitely do not care about I's love of rain - the first three pages, I getting ready for the concert, could be cut easily. We've already had like three chapters of concert prep. We need to get to the concert - pg 6: The drums were like an echoing peal of thunder <-- I think your chapter starts here. Everything before it can be deleted - pg 8: okay wait, now we're in TBK's POV. Maybe it should start here then. The little interlude with I doesn't give us much. At least TBK seems to be moving the plot forward - Ch 19 recap: Okay so this chapter is the concert. That's the arc. The plot movement is TBK's POV section. I think you could start the chapter there, keep the little I endcap, and it would be much tighter and have more tension. All the stuff before it was just more slice-of-life lead up and I am positively starving for plot at this point - pg 16: ah, there was almost some good tension there with the family but now it's devolving into chit-chat. I want movement and action! - pg 21: when the start up with the politics talk again, it's pretty good. I still find it hard to wade through, possibly because of the sheer number of characters and that I don't feel grounded in the politics of the world at all. I feel like I'm constantly having to mentally cut around the fluff to get to the meat, and so I've lost little bits along the way.

Overall I love the atmosphere of the story and I think it's really well written. I don't understand what happened at the end, however, so I'm left with a sense of huh? Everyone died? Is the kid a dragon? I think I might need a clearer tie up at the end, or at least what happened to S. These were exactly my issues as well. As I go - pg 2: For herself, everything else had been her lover’s.<-- I don't understand this line - why can't the guy take the kid down to get a bath? Why does D have to do it? The boot kicking makes me not like him - pg 7: there's really great atmosphere through here - pg 8: Licking heat. Ringing shriek. Cordite stink. <-- love the rhyme here! - pg 10: I'm getting really antsy for a plot thread. The 'want to see dragons' here on this page is good but I think a solid hook much earlier would help. it feels like we are just wandering but I don't know WHY we are wandering - pg 15: I'm really confused now as to where they are and what is happening

Overall The story flowed fairly well, and it's clear now that M has some actual attraction to the girls. That's good! However the narrative itself seems to be determined for her to not get time with them. M finds her after the battle and they have lots of good conversation. She hangs out with the girls and its just fragments and good emotion(!) but the narrative then sends M back to Mi. Why don't the girls take her home? If my friend showed up like that I wouldn't stay at the party, I'd Uber us all back to campus and get her some ice cream while she sobbed. Why are they just handing her off and berating Mi? It feels like the narrative won't allow M to have any time with them now. Your Questions I see this chapter as M pulling away from Mi and gravitating towards Al and Ta, being more positive towards them than him. If you see it differently, can you please let me know and point out specifics to help me understand the way you see it? I've detailed this above. M is clearly into it. The narrative does not want it to happen. She needs to have just as long of conversations with the girls, have the same types of connections, to give it equal footing. Is it clear that Mel is Not Okay and not quite thinking clearly a consequence of the psychic fight with the Demon? Yes, this is very clear. This remains my issue as well As I Go - pg 5: oooh, hard T shut down! - pg 10: he may not be the person she wants to be with tonight, but he's the person who gets all the interactions! - pg 11: T was cold to her on the phone so not reacting to what looks like a drunk hug is kind of weird

Overall Although I started out with a gripe, I did like that she finally left Mi for the girls. Still, the rejection portion felt like more of the same. I'd say yes, she leaves Mi pretty abruptly but she's left the girls plenty of times so not sure it really matters? Anyway, this was a bit more balanced than previous chapters, and I did enjoy meeting the big bad! As I go - pg 2: I dislike the rejection by the girls that just drives M into Mi's arms - pg 5: also, once again we get a summary of the girls, and the actual dialogue with Mi. Lacking balance - pg 7: So were some men. She had to get there, quick. <-- LOL! - I appreciate that she is finally leaving Mi for the girls! - pg 11: Ah, the plot! - good tension through the battle scene

Overall Same gripes as always. I felt like the meat of the chapter was in the last three pages or so, and the rest could all be condensed to maybe two paragraphs and integrated in. There's just far too much walking and talking without arcs, or growth, or any kind of plot movement to keep my attention. I need things to HAPPEN. They don't have to be explosions but I need to see evidence of the plot moving forward, otherwise it just feels like why am I reading? As I go - pg 1-2: okay wait, is this a POV break here between pages? Looks like it. What purpose does TBK's page serve? - pg 4: more walking and talking. In these pages I think the purpose was to point out the owl spy? Yes? If so, that could be done in probably a paragraph within a greater narrative - pg 6: okay yes, it seems like the point to ch 17 was for I to see the owl. The chapter does not appear to have an arc however, or really advance the storyline. I'd suggest cutting this chapter and putting a paragraph about her finding the spy somewhere in the next chapter - pg 9: ughhhh still on preparing for the concert. I am very ready for them to get to the concert. These 'learn to play while chatting' interludes could still be kept if other events were happening during them. But it's the constant chat and chat-and-walk that just drags the chapters. I need solid movement towards our plot goal! I need action! I need arcs and character growth! - pg 13: There were six days before the <-- I think the chapter starts here. This is where the narrative seems to pick up some tension and movement

Overall I'm grumpy. Every time, ever time there's some sort of movement on the f/f front, M chooses Mi. It's not a love triangle, it's like a... 1950s sci fi paranormal where they tease you with lesbians. I have no issues with her ending up with Mi, but she has to have movement towards both, equally, before choosing one, for that to work. Her blowing off the girls because of something even her mother says she can get out of, just reinforces that she isn't actually interested in them. Not seriously. Which makes me wonder, why they keep cropping up if they aren't part of the plot? As I go - I like the second epigraph more than the first - pg 3: Kiss her tomorrow at the masquerade. Forget about the boy and his paranormal...” <-- 100% with mom here - pg 3: Kiss both of them. Maybe they’re poly <-- Mom's voice is a lot like the roommate's voice and seems...very non-mom like - pg 7: the flirting through here is definitely much better - pg 7: ah, but here it is again. She's almost moving forward with the girls and then she makes a choice to abandon them. Again. When the priorities are Mi or Demon-thing, she chooses Mike. When its hot-girl-threesome-in-costumes vs. Demon thing, the demon wins. Theres not anything wrong with it, but it's so consistent as to be authorial voice at this point. - pg 10: and here, she's talking to Mi instead of explaining to the girls that she can't come (even her mom is telling her to skip!). So once again, prioritizing Mi

Overall Same comments as usual I'm afraid. What is the arc? What is the purpose of the chapter? How does it drive the narrative forward? From what I can tell, the chapter was supposed to do two things: 1) tell us that BK is building something sinister up north 2) lay down the start of a romance line #2 is does okay, although it would pack a much stronger punch if I had actual reactions when people prod too close to BK's name. #1 was achieved during the convo with #2, so the first beat could likely just be deleted, as could the third. If you make it just about the 'here is the love interest and the reasons they can't get together because he won't stop asking about BK and it makes her sick/giggle/tell bad puns, that would be a decent arc for the chapter and give more depth to I's character, as well as the plot. If that wasn't a romance line start, I'm not sure what it's purpose was, and it leaves me unmoored in yet another walk/talk chapter without any real stakes. I'm assuming a lot of this is going to get cleaned up next draft or so. The writing was nice, as always! As I go - pg 2: slow start to the chapter with more conversation. No start to the chapter arc so it makes me itchy right off the bat - pg 4: argghhhhh just more walking and talking - pg 5: ah, I see some romance here. Maybe we could lead the chapter with this? I's line about the BK having a thing up north is fine here, and the info in the scene before it really isn't needed. She could just say she overheard it and it's making her feel unwell, then they go for a stroll - pg 8: The earlier joy fled, leaving her tired. <-- this would be way more dramatic if the hex or whatever BK put on her went into effect and made her say something funny or puke on the guy or something - why do her feet feel light after such a heavy conversation?

Overall Another 'slice of life' chapter that didn't seem to advance the plot at all, save for the brief marketplace scene with the speech giver. As a reader, I tend to look for the arc markers in each chapter so I know where the chapter is going and can get excited. If I don't get those markers, I can't focus on the neat details like food and chitchat, because I keep asking myself what is important? What is this scene trying to do? And when it becomes apparent that the scene isn't advancing the plot, it turns me to skimming as I want to get to the scenes that matter so I can focus on them. I think this chapter has a page, maybe two, of plot-relevant information that could be kept, and the rest tossed as worldbuilding you needed to get to this place, but that is no longer relevant for the narrative. A lot of feelings and backstory are delivered via author monologue instead of dialogue or character reactions, and that also slows down my reading as I don't want to be told, I want to experience things as the character does. It's not functionally a bad chapter, it's just that we have had so many slice of life chapters and I'm still waiting for the plot to start its acceleration. As I go - pg 1: after the slow plod of the previous chapter, it was hard not to feel disappointed by another 'average day and chitchat' opening - pg 4: okay we almost get to some plot with the talking about being revolutionaries, but then I changes the conversation. I grumbled. Loudly - pgs 1-5: Everything up to the section break I'm not sure what it's point is. It doesn't appear to feed into the plot, and we get maybe two or three lines of plot-relevant dialogue for the five pages. Is it necessary? can it be cut? - pg 5-6: the paragraph with: Politics were simple when it came to as well as the next paragraph are things I want to be shown in context, not told - pg 6: “-on the Cr-an border. The <-- I think you chapter actually starts here, with a sentence or two stuck into the paragraph like I was shopping with XYZ at the XYZ and they'd stop to hear a rambler or something - pg 8: I clenches her jaw a lot - very hard not to skim through the gathering as I'm still searching for the arc of the chapter, and its purpose

Cast iron pans rolling pins garote poison blow darts sex, including things hidden inside orifices that screw up other things entering them thumbscrews tar and feathering (like you could very easily carry around both and just dump it on people) In all honesty the best weapon in this era was disease, especially sexually transmitted disease.

Overall I didn't get any real connection with characters or see any plot. The loss of the artifact is the inciting incident, I assume? If so, I'd start there on the street, with the mugging. Have him think about killing his mother in there somewhere, then think he has the artifact in his pocket, just to find out they took it at the end of the chapter. That would make a very compelling chapter one and establish our plot (find the artifact) and give us some backstory on the MC (maybe he is super killing averse because he killed his mom??) As I go - pg 3: It's been mostly dialogue and words I don't know through here. I still don't have a sense of the world or the main character at all and by page three I would like to - pg 4: That first section seems to exist to tell us that the MC killed his mother when he was ten. I think this could be delivered in one to two sentences, either via dialogue or having him think about it, in a scene where more is going on. It's too many pages for one line - pg 9: It's hard not to skim through here. I'm still trying to get some sense of character or plot or any kind of arc to the chapter - pg 10: “Because,” A said, sudden anger partly twisting his words into a snarl. “They took the artifact.” <--- we already know this, so as a last line it doesn't deliver any punch

Overall I feel like this chapter doesn't have enough plot or movement to stand on its own. It's a lot more worldbuilding and chatting while worldbuilding, and a few minor discussions, but that's about it. I'm invested right now in I's music performance and the party, so having this kind of chapter that just fills in on 'I did this today, and then the next day this' feels like filler to me. Now, I'm not an epic fantasy lover either, so it couldn't just be my can we get to the plot already?? tendency. I feel the same As I go - I laughed SO HARD at *insert stakes here* - pg 2: As I read through this part I'm just thinking, I'd be great if the person they are talking about IS ACTUALLY THE KING but she can't remember because he blocked her mind or whatever. So the audience knows but I doesn't. That would be a ton of fun - pg 3: 'insane' and other words of the sort should be used sparingly and likely only to inform us of the character's bias. Book Twitter and such is really trying to push for the removal of ableist language - pg 5: It was very hard not to skim the 'I gets introduced to instruments' pages. I don't care much for how she learns to play, unless there is something deeply plot relevant in here, or funny - pg 6: It looks like there wasn't anything to move the plot forward in the learn music section. I'd suggest it just be cut or discussed as a 'after three weeks of having a mandolin beaten into her...' - pg 10: oh boo, she didn't have a big ole memory wipe like I thought.

Hi, and welcome back! No worries at all about dropping off for a while. As @Robinski said, people come and go here and we are quite okay with it. It's the nature of an online forum. It took a lot to bare your history and soul like that here. It was an incredible post. Just know that there are many people just like you here on the forum. We have queer people, people with ADHD and other neurodiversities, people in varying stages of religion (or religion-recovery) journeys, etc. I have ADHD myself and my kiddo is autistic, so you're in good company. I'm also intersex, which many on the board here will tell you has been one heck of a ride this past year with my body trying to go through a transition all on its own. I'm nonbinary as well, which is under the trans umbrella, so hey again on yet another front! We're a pretty welcoming group, and what we lack in knowledge we make up for in spirit! You are always welcome here.

I don't mind the start at all. I think it's strong enough, we just need more information. For instance, since she apparently is researching for a book, why not have her shoving manuscript pages in a drawer, and one falls out and has the book title on it (that then we, the reader, get to see)? Have her rub her wrists from typing too much. Have her hide library books on demonology. Have her check her email and see that her interlibrary loan for '101 species of demon and where to find them' is in at the local public library. Then establish that this is her first summoning circle, since it really feels like she's done this before. Maybe have that be the one book she leaves out, have her note that she has to return it tomorrow so had better try things right now. Have her get flustered over not having anything to make it with, find the baby powder, then go from there. There's just a few set up things that are needed to push the start. I don't think starting at the restaurant will help, because you'll still need those same elements. And they'll be a lot easier to deliver in her apartment, where you have already set up some of the story arc. Then to close the arc on chapter one you could have her feel over her head with soul seduction or whatever, have the demon almost trick her, and sort of leave with a line like, Interviewing a demon was a lot more work than she'd thought it would be. She hoped that her most recent loan request - 'Putting Demons Back in the Underworld,' came before this one sucked away half the souls of New York. Etc.

There are hundreds of neopronouns already in existence to pick from, too!

Is the issue you are having a hard time with singular they? Or there are just too many they pronouns? I’m a bit confused what the issue is you could always just not use pronouns and have the people just always use names.

Overall I don't have a lot of line comments. The chapter was well written and easy to understand. However while I understand that the point was to introduce new characters, that isn't enough, for me, as a chapter. There was no arc. I could have just as easily gotten the information out of a dramatis personae in the back of the book. I think the information presented would be good as the B line in a chapter, while the actual arc plays out. What that arc is...I'm unsure. I think what's made this a very slow book for me is that there is only one thing going on at any given time, and it often tends to just be worldbuilding or character introductions. I'd like to see these things happen in tandem with actual plot movement. If each chapter could have an A arc towards the plot, then a B line could continue to introduce characters and world. I think this would put a lot more tension in the book and make the chapters really move, instead of feeling like, oh, just more characters. When will we get to the plot? Agreed Also the same. There is no urgency to any of this. As I go - pg 4: 'newbie' is very current slang and throws me from the narrative - also FYI, that was a LOT of introductions in short order. I will not be able to keep them straight

Overall I think what is still missing is the inciting incident. Why is the story starting here, in this place? Is it the letter? If so, we should know about it in the first few pages. Is it the meal and the accounting? If so, more time should be spent with the tax charts. Right now it takes over half the length just to get a feel for motivations, and that's too long. Within the first three pages generally we need to know what the MC wants (even if that changes over time) and how they intend to get it (even if it fails). Otherwise the reader is left scrambling and may not continue reading. I think this draft is much improved! Just some things from the end need to be brought to the beginning, and then the arc needs to be closed at the end. As I go - 'my' apartment? First person slip? - pg 2: if that baby powder has been around for 16 years or so she must not summon this demon very often?? - pg 4: how can the demon leave the pentagram? I thought the knots were to keep things in? - pg 6: running into the issue again of what the MC's motivations are and where this is going. By page 3, ideally, I'd like to know the direction of the story, at least somewhat. Here on pg 6 I'm once again floundering for where is this going and why does the MC care? - pg 6: another first person artifact-"N settled myself..." - pg 7: "Manned by a man" could use some rewording. Redundancy - pg 8: The letter. If we had the letter on page one I think it would fix a lot of the issues. Like she has finished cleaning and takes one final read of the demon letter, delivered to her house through the normal courier channels, and thinks, ugh, okay, have to call in the client again and deal with his new issue. - pg 10: there's so much description of food and looks through here it gives it, once again, the feeling of the demon trying to seduce the MC - pg 11: The 'This is why she agreed' section comes far too late. We need this information in the first page or two, to give the story direction and focus - pg 14: the worldbuilding here feels out of place. I thought they were doing taxes? Also this could easily have come in the first few pages, too, while MC was waiting for her demon in particular - pg 15: I don't think succubus should be capitalized. It isn't a proper noun - pg 16: so he needed her to look at his soul accounts, but she found an error in under a minute? Did he send them in advance? Why couldn't he find the issue? - pg 18: that she needs him is a good hook, but I still feel it comes too late.

This was just about the size ratio I was going for!! I love it!

OMG I love this! Right now I've got them as a grazing pest (hence several of the monarchies just trying to straight up poison them out of existence) but this has serious book two potential. The imagery alone is just beautiful. Also 'constellation of pegasi' is now written in as canon. Thank you @aeromancer! Brain trust engaged!

This is good, because I want just Bad M to have them, because I want that monarchy to have a big power advantage over the rest of the island I'm....not super sure. I hadn't planned on really getting into planet-level stuff, but my agent did say the island felt 'small' so maybe I should? YES HOW INDEED HMMMM (this is kind of the main knife twist at the end of the book) This is 100% perfect for the tone of this book. Sold. I actually have them at 2x a Clydesdale! GIGANTIC FLYING HORSES OF TERROR I've made it to chapter 7 with edits, and have added about 2K words. Ughhhh so much more to go. But this is actually really fun, adding silliness into the book.

The issue there is that it can count as a ‘first publication’ to put it up in its entirety like that. I would be uncomfortable sharing a link to a completed work here that was going to my agent for sub. I’m perfectly happy to email PDFs though for those looking for something to read!

YES! I did this a bit already but I think I'd really like to play it up. Oh this would be so much fun! YES I was doing some Mendelian genetics in my head. But I think I want the key here to be magical content. You get enough of that in the gene mix, you get pegasus. Otherwise just a horse (maybe with some wing nubs though). I think I want it to be not just recessive but tied to other recessive traits so that the chance of breeding true is much lower... one out of fifty or so. I need them to be rare enough that pegasus transport isn't viable because there aren't enough. This part I'm hoping to leave as the island mystery for book two. Right now worldbuilding lore has this island as the refuge for magical creatures (it being so remote) and then humans finally colonized and killed most of them off (except pegasi because they're wily). Every so often you still get a pegasus? I'm not sure they prefer breeding with horses. I think I may make them incredibly long lived so they don't tend to breed with each other, but humans keep capturing them and trying to breed them with horses to get a pegasus that can be tamed. Like the ill-fated zebra/horse hybrid that got the worst of both instead of the best of both YES. Magic is a big thing in this, in that it existed before and now there are just scattered remnants and no one really knows how to work it or what to do with it. We clearly need a poll for this Military I'll have to think about. This part of the worldbuilding isn't as developed as I'd like. I think I want them all relatively at peace due to an ancient pact but not sure. These are AWESOME questions everyone and now I need to go integrate. Thank you!

I'm replacing the train system in my book with pegasi. This is going to change logistics dynamics across the island chain and I need some help brainstorming. I've moved the island the characters are on to the farthest away in the island chain (90 some days away from their closest neighbor, by boat, and too far for a pegasus to fly). I've established that the island pegasi are wild and very hard to breed in captivity. They keep ending up with horses, which is why the island is overrun with feral horses. HOWEVER the Duchy of Bad M, which has the one commercial port, has been trading with another island for a breed of horse that can be crossed with a pegasus to produce tame, viable, flighted offspring. Conflict then comes with Bad M eventually breeding enough pegasi to control transport over the island, since everyone else would just have roads and carts. Am I overlooking something? What are the questions you need answered in this setup, knowing this information? For background, the island once housed unicorns and dragons, too, but they're thought to be long extinct. Right now it only has birds, small rodents, and an epic tone of feral horses.

Would like to request a double slot if possible for next Monday. Doing edits on Rosewood and I want to run a few of the chapters through here before it goes back to my agent. Definitely need help on pegasi transport dynamics...