kais

@Silk that was great!!

Go for it, @aeromancer. My deadline is a ways out still and I've plenty of backlog work to do, still. I can take a week off.

Yup. I can take the week off no problem. Let’s get you finished, @Mandamon!

Oh the idea is fine! Just the sentence structure confused me with the pronouns.

This made me giggle.

Welcome back! I'll refrain from my usual 'as I go comments' and just do your questions, as requested. 1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? Marginal comedy with some gore. Space opera, likely, with a number of species, with humans as the aggressors trope 2. What elements would you expect to see? Gore. Violence. Political commentary housed in a story, so all common space opera tropes. 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? I don't know, because I'm confused. What does a cat have to do with anything? I enjoyed the 'humans are dense and stupid' take, but wasn't expecting the twist of the MC killing someone trying to communicate. I thought that actually changed the tone of the piece. Prior to that I found it humorus in the way it described humans, and was very on board. The way it ended was much more downbeat and not as fun. I'm going to assume the MC gets killed for being too aggressive? But it seems like aliens already expect that so I don't know why they would. They took a chance to have him on their ship so really, they should have seen this coming. This has good bones and was a fun read!

Overall Very interesting. Good pacing and mostly I was very engaged, though a few hang ups below. I profess that I have no idea what is actually happening (I'm not a music person), but I enjoy it well enough that it doesn't matter at all. I liked discovering the other aspects/houses, and that one of them did eventually matter. Really, this chapter was all about S's growth to me, and for that reason alone I adore it. As I go - pg 9: He realized was directing the prophet <-- missing a 'he' I think - pg 10: giving her orders <-- pronoun slip - pg 13: broken ring! Plot twist! - pg 14: You failed. <-- wow. Brutal - pg 20: She clicked around the temple <-- pronoun slip - pg 21: it feels very anticlimactic that the hidden versions didn't have anything important in them, and they just were back where they started. I think I'd have preferred finding bits of clues in each that then helped them in the 26th - pg 27: oh good, one of the hidden ones does have a use - pg 28: the hot tub analogy is perfect - pg 30: It was one thing to follow an alien through a crystal wall to a place they said they lived. It was another thing to plunge headlong into an expansive crystal no one even knew existed for thousands of cycles. <-- Is it though? I'd be pretty terrified of both. This line made me chuckle though. S has grown so much!

Overall I thought the beginning was a touch slow, but by page five things were moving at a nice clip. I really liked going into the memories and seeing the two leaders be separated, and I loved I's emotions (not all his of course). The resolution in getting V to wake up was a very good beat, strong emotion, and there was a sweetness to it I really enjoyed. Nice work! As I go - pg 1: THANK YOU for having a brief discussion of evolution in terms of the Ari. I have been wondering this forever - that first sentence has a lot of 'in' in it - pg 1: There is longer a reason <-- missing a 'no'? - pg 2: She had easily held the voices in check after E returned from her time in the Imperium, but they were calling out to her again. <-- I understand what you are trying to say but I had to read this three times to sort out the 'her' and 'E'. - pg 5: I feel like the chapter really gets going here on page 5. I think you could probably cut at least one of the preceding pages to help with flow and wouldn't lose anything in terms of content - pg 11: I remain deeply shuddery over the diadem embedded in I's skull - aww, that's a sweet ending!

Hey hey, welcome to Reading Excuses! Overall I will third @aeromancer and @Mandamon - I don't know what this story is about. There is no real hook, and we get seemingly endless exposition and worldbuilding without stakes and buy in. I think there's the start of a good book here, but at least one character needs to really be pulled out and expanded on, to get reader buy in. I also had a problem with how the women are portrayed, see comments below. We revise and resubmit through here all the time so would love to see a revised version of this! As I go - epigraph and a prologue? Suggest that this is too much. Also, I'm not sure if you're seeking eventual publication or not, but know that prologues are very out of fashion right now, and epigraphs are...a fight, at best, with traditional publishing - pg 2: She smiled, soft and seductive. <--- 8000 warning bells just went off in my head. They're standing in a destroyed city, yes? She just thought he was mad at her, yes? So why is she being seductive? It reads more like he thinks she is being seductive, which makes me generally not like this protag. Also why is his mind on seduction? I thought he felt like he had failed the city? - pg 3: so she seduced him to show him a sapling? I don't understand - Now she's asking for his help? I'm confused. This woman is all over the place, but it's so in 'male voice' that it feels more like she is fine, and its our MC that is the problem, in how he is reading her - oh wait, it was him asking. That paragraph is confusing - pg 3: Who knows what you’d do by yourself <-- wow there, dude, You just destroyed a city. She produced a sapling and made you feel good about yourself. If she punches you in the throat for that comment, I'm backing her up - pg 4: It was not the crude creation he had imagined <--- I thought he'd just fought it. How is he only now seeing what it looks like? - pg 4: Part of what is confusing me is the structural presentation of your paragraphs: He grunted and held out his arm. A spear of light, vaguely reminiscent of a frozen lightning bolt, formed in his hand. “I will do it,” he said. She touched the spear and it dimmed. 'She touched the spear...' should be a new paragraph. It's mixing character actions, so I end up ascribing the words to the wrong person often, because they are so intermingled - pg 4: You destroyed the city but not its people <-- he literally just said he killed the children. - pg 5: she's smirking now? I thought he wanted her help? Thus far H has not yet passed the Sexy Lampshade Test. - pg 5: also, if he isn't going to kill the giant or whatever, what was the purpose of these pages? I don't know enough about the character to see character growth, and I know nothing about the world - pg 5: I don't understand how the last bit of the prologue with the giant makers ties in with the first part - pg 6: this is the second character in as many pages to run fingers through their hair - pg 7: officially too many names to remember now, since we aren't getting solid grounding in any of them - pg 7: I am so confused. What are these people talking about? - pg 9: She was a student from Chasm, where women didn’t decorate or hide their hair. <-- we get a heck of a lot of descriptors about the women, but not on the men. This is very Male Gaze. I'd rather have him think about her skill, than her hair, unless he also thinks about men's hair the same way - pg 9: She seemed calmer now <--- so when the men were blackmailing and such, they could have emotions and it was cool, but we're down on this lady? This is my Marge Simpson face - pg 9: The antidote, Master,” she said. “Where is it?” <-- Is she new? Or is she just a terrible assistant? - pg 11: too much talking. Also not sure why the sting is relevant since he seems to be recovering fine - pg 12: “Could you see him down the stairs, L?” At said. “He still seems weak.” She grimaced. “Please,” he said. She sighed, then hurried after Ha. The man would probably curse her. <-- What exactly is her purpose? She seems inept at her job and she's being ordered around like a secretary in a healthcare support role. She also clearly doesn't want to, and our MC thinks she could end up being cursed so why is he sending her? - L also does not pass the sexy lampshade test

Those words are SO TRUE.

Yup! My primer on wood in the home! fancy hardback binding and great photos. Schiffer always does a great job with full color nonfiction books! If anyone is curious, the book is here.

I had a book release this week and haven't even gotten to revisions yet from this last one with all the promo stuff. So while I'd like to sub this week, I'm fine passing, too.

Pretty spot on all around. You'll have a hard time getting a conservative or Orthodox Jewish person to talk to you about deep faith things unless you are SERIOUS about converting, and even then, you're going to have to beg. Intermarriage is...a minefield. Even now mostly reformed Jewish people do it, and even then, not all. Reincarnation I've never heard of discussed. Most aspects of Judaism I've mingled in don't even have a 'heaven'. When you die, you're dead. That's it. Done. Your 'after life' is the legacy you leave behind in terms of whom you cared for, the marks of good you left on the world. Now if you're getting into the MYSTICISM side, there's like...seven heavens or something like that. I don't know. That part is cool but not really what we believe in so much, at least not in any way I've ever seen (but, again, remember, I'm a diet coke version). And I 100% yield the floor to @Silva, because Orthodoxy will get you waaaay more answers than reformed.

Yay!! *Raises hand* I believe I hold the forum's resident Judaism card. But I'm like...the diet coke version. Super reformed. I observe the high holy days and the commercialized Chanukah version. I get drunk off my arse on Purim. That's about it.

Overall It was a good chapter, and moved the plot along. I am still not convinced M feels anything really for the girls, as noted below. She is clearly very into Mi, but doesn't seem to want to put any real work or even thought into T. Mi gets all her attention, all her feelings. She reacts to him. T she just seems to tolerate, with an occasional 'oh, you're there. Yes, I could be into this.' Then it's all Mi again. As I go - pg 1: wait, why is M there when she wakes up? Are they already sleeping together? Did we miss something? - pg 2: is he at all weirded out that she is all bruised and apparently passed out on books, but just wants to know about the paranormal? That would set of major alarm bells for me - pg 2: a blur of white that seemed <-- wait is she seeing all of these memories through him? They are very specific. I'd also rather hear him give the details in his own voice. This seems too easy, like cheating - pg 3: A asks about the face, and M doesn't follow up???? - pg 4: where is M's reaction to the 'falling down the stairs'? That's such code for 'I'm lying'. I'd think he'd at least be suspicious - pg 5: She wanted to protect me from the patriarchy <-- ah yes, the other side of homeschooling, the far left! - pg 6: M is very, very passive in this flirting game. She isn't actively turning down advances, but neither is she showing any reaction. If I was flirting with someone this way and they didn't respond, I'd stop cold. - pg 6: licking sauce off of her fingers. <-- I feel like this is a lost opportunity to do some seductive finger licking - pg 7: the winking comes out of nowhere. M didn't flirt at all during the eating and is now flirting?? - pg 7: the almost flirting is dashed by homeschool talk. No build up. - pg 8: I don't understand why M wants to get back to the girls. They finished food, and Mi is more interesting at this stage. Did the girls have food on their plates M wants to eat? Does she want to wink more?? - pg 8: here, M invites herself with Mi, which is so much more than M has ever done with the girls. She has a genuine interest in Mi. I feel like M just tolerates the girls - pg: and she recognizes that running off with Mi will hurt T. Yet she pursues it anyway - pg 9: yeah, skipping movie night just really cements that M has no real interest in T - pg 9: were mad, but they’d still be there tomorrow. Mi might not be if she let him go alone. <-- I understand the practicality of this, but she treats the girls as disposable, basically. She takes them for granted. Their feelings aren't important. I'd prefer she really understand what this could do to T's feelings for her. Understand what she is giving up. Maybe even feel resentment to Mi for forcing her to miss movie night - pg 11: T is really hurt but M doesn't really try to help with that so much via the texts - pg 11: wait, she didn't go in to check the place? Just took his word for it? I know she scanned but still. I was waiting for a SURPRISE! - pg 12: the attraction thought seems very out of place for having almost been run over. Also, I'm not convinced she's really all that attracted to T - pg 13: here, when she is talking about hearing his heart and being held, this is clear attraction. Very convincing!

Overall Not a lot of comments! This flowed nicely, was tight, and the tension was superb. I like the forward momentum and loved the argument with the restaurant owners. I'm really excited to see what our lead's work will be like with the fey! I agree that the family reveal could be cut WAY down. We get all our impact from the restaurant people. The family feels redundant then, to a point. Did she break the contract? I thought she was pretty vague. Wouldn't she need to give specifics to break the contract? As I go - pg 3: a decaying reason? Can reasons decay? I have so many questions - pg 4: ah, decay of a person. I see - pg 5: fey, huh? Plot twist! - pg 5: really good beat, explaining the restaurant. There's the tension I've been wanting, and the anger! Nice! - pg 7: blessed planet? Are there other planets??? - LOL at the honey bee line!

Overall Good progress here, and it's nice to see them drumming up support. It's a bridge chapter, but a necessary one, and generally I was very engaged. I always struggle with Ori chapters, but I did enjoy seeing my favorite pixie again. Looking forward to the end of the book! As I go - pg 1: the epigraph makes me wonder once again how Earth fits into all this - pg 1: It wasn’t proper to show so much ankle. LOL - pg 2: I see others have pointed out the random hyphens, so I will ignore them - pg 2: wait, I just read the last chapter and I still don't know why/where of Ori's travels here - pg 10: I loved that Ori knew not to touch L! This sentence though, is kind of patronizing. Delete maybe? Still, he seemed to want to help them, in his own way. <-- it's the 'in his own way' that troubles me - pg 11: my, she acquiesces quickly - pg 13: built of long flat planks of a wood Ri was unfamiliar with <-- I feel personally betrayed that she does not have a wood anatomist on call to answer these questions - pg 16: they ride giant spiders? I'm with Ri. nopenopenope - pg 20: ahhhh, now I remember why they are asking these particular species for aid. WINGS! WRS! - pg 24: in regards to the last line--wouldn't negotiations to join just be....an application? Why would the assembly keep them out? What purpose would that serve? This line doesn't have the punch I'd like because I don't understand why they wouldn't just be immediately accepted.

Overall Really liked this chapter, and the Ari information in particular! A few areas confused me, as noted below. Please give me ALL the Ari facts please! Nice work! As I go - I like that epigraph - how did Mand get to be the leader?? WRS? - pg 6: It was the difference between more strings playing <-- this was a great description! - pg 9: I am really enjoying these experiments. They are giving me so much information and in a really organic way. It's a great discovery - pg 15: had read several of his papers, though he tended to leap from subject to subject. <-- I have serious concerns about their peer review system then - pg 16: In contrast, the conversation with Ori drags. We know all this information so it isn't as interesting. I want to scan for new stuff - pg 18: with his E <-- delete 'his' - pg 20: Their intended? That was awkward. <-- WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY - pg 23: Ma showed me how to get rid of the excess <-- I don't know what they are talking about here. Like...defecating? - pg 23: a sample of material <-- nudge nudge wink wink - pg 25: And once there, we’ll make our own decision <-- This doesn't land for me. Have other people been making decisions for them? This conversation wandered a bit, or I didn't follow it well. They were missing S, then talking about procreation, then, going back and making their own decisions. What information were we supposed to get? I loved the procreation talk because it gives us more about them, and missing S is good emotion. The rest I think took away from the impact of the others.

Up for next Monday as well

Overall I enjoyed the fight scene though it had some typos and blocking issues. I think it gave us more about M's character than we have yet had. The bits leading up to it seemed emotionally rushed, and the ending, for me, felt sort of...off. What was the arc of this chapter? What was its purpose? I assume it links to the demons Mi is chasing, and they get killed, but I don't know enough or care enough about demons and humanity in this story yet to be thrilled for that. The demons didn't threaten any characters I knew. I'd have been more fulfilled at the end if she learned something that tied the campsite back to Mi, like she found his pack there, or something along those lines. Something to show the place of this beat in the narrative arc. Right now it seems like it could all be summarized as a 'the night before she'd gone demon hunting and killed a few in the woods,' since it doesn't seem to tie in directly to the forward motion of the plot. Mi equipped them? I missed that. I agree with @Robinski though that the more you link this to Mi, the less it is a demon hunting side quest and the more it progresses the plot. As I go - pg 1: it'd be really interesting to see M have some feelings about dating a human with an angel name, especially her father's name - pg 2: so this is another place where we could see her react to the girls' attention, but she is 100% on about Mi. Which is fine, but doesn't help the love triangle aspect - pg 4: he's her grandfather and a nun? I have questions which involve a) sex and b.) gendered use of the word 'nun' - pg 4: I'm not getting as much out of her convo with Mi as I should, I think, because I don't have a solid enough grounding in his character. I'd also like to see more emotions from M before the crying. The crying is good! But he is opening up to her and she wants to talk to him and I want to feel that want! - pg 5: grandpa does not sound sorry at all - pg 7: I'm not feeling a whole lot of tension in regards to the demons and this hunt. It seems mostly sad, since M is missing the costume thing. I with the tone of this book, I think I'd rather go to the costume thing! - pg 8: If they summoned a demon, the group is going to care more about tracking down the demon, yes? Like this just changed from missing person hunt to demon hunt? I lack empathy for people who purposefully summon demons - pg 11: I did enjoy the part about her uncontrolled healing! Grandpa is fun here

I don't remember the inverse of a sun part, but as long as there is some physical mystery unlocked, I think I'd be very happy!

I can't keep track of Ard's worldbuilding, and I wrote it!

I LOVE it and have 0 problems with it! I think it being an actual, physical key would be cool. So we know it's linked, but he has to insert it in some old book, or the words they can't read rearrange and then he has to press the ring into it, something like that. Bring the artifacts from certain settings in to all play in together. That's what I thought it was building to.

Overall I feel like the book really takes off here, and we start getting into the real plot. A lot of redundancy in internal monologue, but that's easy enough to cut down in another pass. The MC's voice is distinct and I like her motivations and strife, and the job seems like it will be a ton of fun to read about! I think we just need to get there a little sooner, and with maybe two pages less thinking. agreed I had this same problem As I go - pg 1: In the early morning chill, the grey stone was painted lilac <-- confused. This makes it seem like it's only painted that color in the early morning, then someone comes and paints it another color later, then repaints it in the morning - pg 1: 'unsafe business practices' seems very modern for the setting - pg 2: a lot of info dumping on that first page that doesn't seem to have a place. I want movement and action! - pg 2: I giggled at 'cream colored cow' - pg 5: WRS? I've completely forgotten why she has to meet this person - pg 6: oh wait, she got a police summons or something, right? - pg 7: This doesn't have the impact you want, I think, because it's being told, not shown. I want to see her reactions. I want to know specifically this aspect of the world so when they say it I know, and go, OH NO! Just being told like this is sort of meh. - pg 7: wow, they really know how to get her to cooperate, don't they? - pg 8: wait, so she doesn't get paid at all? Why not? - pg 10: but what about her salary? Doesn't her family need money? Isn't she trying to move out or something? How will she eat? Who is going to support her during this year of mind reading internship? - pg 10: oh wait, never mind. There it is - pg 12: lot of internal monologue that is rehashing the same details page after page. I think this could be cut down significantly - pg 14: the spy thinking is much more compelling. - It would be a much stronger ending I think to end on that last line on page 15

You know, it's really nice to be able to read two chapters back to back for crit, especially for a third book where the worldbuilding has become deep and complex. Overall Another strong, tense chapter, with a lot going on. I had some blocking issues at the end and am not quite sure how it ended, but I sure did enjoy the ride! R is always just fun to read, and it's nice to see some of our 'villains' get eaten! As I go - pg 2: R's voice is always so distinct. I love it - pg 4: nope. nopenopenope creepy Ari mouth. Hard pass. Run, R! - pg 12: Her eyes marked... I assume this means R is to come but it doesn't have quite the right impact, since R wasn't fearful of going or anything. I think for this line to land we need more R emotions leading up to it, either how much he wants to go, or doesn't want to go. - pg 17: like toothpicks through a particularly recalcitrant sausage. I LOLed! - pg 22: maybe some blocking issues in here. The snakeys opened a portal. The el couldn't pass through? Or did? I'm unclear, I feel like the text said both. And then some of the Ari broke character and attacked the snakeys? Why? Or the El attacked everyone and the Ari fought back in their base form? - pg 25: okay, so the Ari got eaten? They thought the El were also worth worshipping? And now only a few snakies are alive and R has joined up with them? Yes?