Kammererite

Seems like a good plan.

"That could work," Asenowick pauses to spin the ring on his left hand. "Although i think we should entertain the idea of removing them by force...We could use some more information on here troop and disposition and how well fortified they are. I am going to scout the plantations perimeter see what i can find out. Arsenowick scouts the planation from a distance keeping to the shadows. (Action) ***My browser wont let me change it to blue, ill switch after this post***

***I'm the new guy, my character sheets on the first page. Unodus I like your thinking. If our mission is to start a resource colony then we want to eventually control the plantation as close to functional as possible. So no salting fields. If Wilor goes in the front door to get a tour we can send DenPai to impersonate the task master or who ever you chose. We can even lure them in to the cave to take them. Do we post actions here or in the PM?***

It's the word affecting at end of a sentence. But I think it is just me. I don't think I have read affecting used that way before and my mind is telling me affecting what (I'm probly thinking effecting). I would disregard that comment on further consideration

I would also like to submit next week but it might be on Tuesday. I need to get some momentum going again and I want to get this story done before november so i can do NaNiWriMo (it will be my first one).

I still really like this story. It did slow down near the end of the chapter but it wasn't anything that pulled me out of the story or made me want to stop reading. I found the magic infodump to be handled very well and answered some question while raising a few more. First Sentence: This sentence felt out of place. you finished the last chapter talking about how it look like a slaughterhouse house then your talking about wood panels and beer smell. As the paragraph went on I didn't really get that this was a gruesome scene just a bit of the blood on the floor with seven dead bodies. Second Sentence: made me think i was going to be in Benam POV. Page 10- Dyllis’s sudden energy was affecting. I might be missing something but this sentence doesn't make sense to me. I was abe to imply its meaning from the paragraph still felt odd to me. Covelle working alone: Really i would have though as a smuggler he would have a whole ship (i think he said that too) and a crew. surly he has someone he at leas kinda works with in his crew, maybe not on all jobs but a confidant at least. Page 12- ...her actions would main.... I believe you would have caught this in your edits but i think its maim. Magic: This is getting cool and getting more interesting Covelle Reveal: took me by complete surprise.. i wonder if he is lying? I though he was a spy for the invaders. Talking to easily to each other: I agree that Covelle seams to talk to easily but i chalked it up to magic or maybe a side effect of casters and was able to roll with it. for me the weirder thing was how easily Dyllis talks. She caves way to easily for me. Last Sentence: So do i Covelle so do i. I was able to figure out the hair in her pockets the second she said catalysts on page 16 if your wondering. Definitely looking forward to the next.

I liked this. The actions was well paced for me and I enjoyed Covelle trying to escape but allso being a self-serving hero. I loved the last line and am excited to know what happened. Critique wise: Ahma Father: I had the impression that she never knew him from the earlier submission. Thirty summer of dreaming: now this might be hyper picky but i thought i would point it out. I was assuming Ahma was conceived during the war so it could be 29-30 summer which is fine but how can she be dreaming as an infant. That note a side i think saying twenty five years of dreaming of a grand adventure might be confusing. Ahma and Benam: This was a weird interaction. At first i thought they were friends and Ahma was just joking with Benam to see him blush and splutter. but then she is very harsh with him and alternates being sort-of kind to him. It felt bi-polarish, and i didn't know what to feel but i definitely did not like Ahma as much after. Men playing Cards: In Ahma's POV there are three men playing cards then a fourth joins them. When we are in Covelle's POV there are only three again. I understand one might have left as time passed but i though i would point it out. Casters: I like where this is going. Looking forward to the next.

this is off topic but can some one upvote rohyu last post, i accentually hit the down vote button...blasted touch screen.

Sorry for also being late to the party. General I thoroughly enjoyed this. In fact if I had more i would have easily kept reading. I also skimmed through the prayer. But other then that i look forward to seeing where this story goes (i already have a hypothesis about Covelle). Requested -Promises to the reader? At this point in time I would say that the Theracian will attack again or that there will be some sort of invasion. Ahma struggling with her heritage. - Style, does it read well and make you want to keep reading? For me it read fine and yes i wanted to keep reading. - Pacing, are events interesting, what do you feel about the story going forward? I don't know how to answer this. what's driving me forward right now is more character: What is Covelle up to? What is a caster? What happened to Benam? - Characters on view, are they engaging? I really enjoyed Benam parts. I like the retired warrior vibe. As for Covelle i was drawn in by his...rougishness? Ahma didn't do anything special for me, i dont mind her at this point in time. Typically with multi-pov stories i tend to hate one character for stealing screen time from the others. Right now it is Ahma but the fact that she a caster (really curious what that is by the way) might change my opinion. Also When Ahma runs away from the thugs felt out of character to me. in her first scene she knocks a guy out, then just before she runes she observes shes has dealt with worse before in the bar. Other First time seeing the enemy commander- Given the distance from Lufmatho to Hasstel and Benam being the senior surviving officer of Lufmathos force i doubt this would be the first time he sees the him. Rapiers- These sword to my knowledge are rubbish at cutting/slashing. Can they cut? Yes, but the wounds resulting from a cut i think are minor (unless you get the throat) as far as sword getting hit by a sword can be minor. If you want to kill with a rapier i believe you would thrust which is what the sword was designed for. Ghintor- It might just be me but initially i was unsure if he was the Harbourmaster or another person present with Covelle and the Harbourmaster. Rumours- When Covelle thinks about the rumours I had to go back and find what those rumours were. Time gap inconsistency- On the start of chapter 1 you have thirty years but on page 18 you have twenty. The last three paragraphs of page 25 have me utterly confused. i feel like there is a sentence or reference that i am missing

Chapter 12: I also like this chapter. When you dropped "Scholomance" i got excited. I liked Renfeild trying to carry Stephanie out with out looking suspicious only to have to walk through a packed street. Minor comments / grammatical thing (as my grammar is bad take them with a grain of salt). Page 16-...until it collided with something warm, creamy and unmistakably alive. ~Creamy? not how i would describe skin but definitely sends an image. Page 16 ...the empty brown eyes of the hunter. ~aren't they hazel in chapter 10? Page 17 ...anxiety over the prospects of facing his friends at the Council... ~Air quotes maybe or italics to imply sarcasm. page 19- How bad would it lock if the Master’s servant fled hours before someone found the source of said Master’s power? ~look? Page 20- He was not sure how he would accomplish that last. ~the later? of just delete last? Page 20- . He With the mutter hunter flat on his back, Renfield crashed through the threshold, nearly knocking the door off the frame when it collided with his head. ~Delete he, muttering? I don't remember Renfield being extremely tall or the doors being low. (this could be weekly reader syndrome) All and all an interesting sequel to the action. look forward to the next chapters.

Chapter 9: I don't have much to say about this chapter. I though it was good. Nice reveal at the start. Took me by surprise. I could not remember if Python was a gun or not. "a bunch of half-cocked hunters" This reference didn't work for me. The hunter-lore and examples does not paint them like this. Chapter 10 and 11 Okay first off. I really liked these chapters. The action was a lot of fun for me to read. I like how when the pov shifts the feel/description of the fighting changes as well. In paragraph 1 Renfield notice Stephanie is blonde, (although she has her hood) then she has dark brown tresses. This is inconsistent. Nice with the little red riding hood reference. Hoodie- So this is the main thing that threw me for a loop. What kind of hoodie is this thing? I will give you that a normal wool/synthetic bulky hoodie will obscure Stephanie figure, and cause overheating inside, but someone as fit as Stephanie won’t notice the weight of a thick over-large hoodie. Also i do not think a hoodie would offer much blunt force protection (i could be wrong but it feel off). Furthermore, with the hood up, Stephanie will have limited puerperal vision (depending on the hood depth. Gun- Stephanie never loses her gun. She should have shot Renfield in the leg at the end of page 7 when he side steps away or at multiple point afterwards. End of chapter 10 positioning- i am unsure why Renfield is grabbing the hoodie front since Stephanie has two free arms to hit him with. i would imagine he would try to pin the arms or something. Stephanie arms are never pinned/ trapped but you impliy this happened at the chapter switch on page 14. Chapter 12: Below are some minor comment and gramtical things I notice. Page 5- “He’s trying to help the poor defense girl.... defenseless? Page 6- Renfield hated having his sleep uninterrupted... Interuptted? Page 6- Thats when he opened his eyess to see... This felt clunky/odd to me. i'd say cut the "thats when". Page 7- ... but on rare occasion, he had been used firearms to end the conflict. Delete been. Page 7- Renfield balled his fist into a jab and thrust it quickly at the woman’s throat. This sentence is slightly unclear.You can't ball fist into a jab. Jab and thrust are similar actions so unless he throws two punches just use one verb..i think. Page 7-The hunter immediately leapt back before responding with a punch of her own. This is nit picky of me but Stephanie would punch before jumping back, or as one motion. I don't think she would jump out of distance and waste a punch when Renfeilds falls short. Page 7- Her hoodie kept her from making a blow to the next or face.... Him and neck. also making does feel like the right verb, how about landing. Page 8- Just my luck. I’m trying to get a woman to undress and she’s still trying to kill me. Delete still Page 9 -She tensed up , her fist flying at she desperately thought to do some damage of her own. You have established the hoodie is obscuring her figure so how is Renfeild seeing this. Page 9 and 10 The thick hooded sweater might have obscured her body, deflected Renfied’s blows and protected her neck and face, but it also had its drawbacks. It slowed her down considerably. you already established these facts. it felt repetitive to have them stated again. Page 10- Renfield cutting believe his luck. Couldn't Page 10 side with one hand and thrust his hand towards just below the hunter’s chin. Delete towards its unnecessary Page 13 This put the bloodied hand right in her face. His? Page 13 ...regained a grip of her jacket... Hoodie?

your specific questions: Yes this is my favourite of the chapters to date. it is more engaging to me at least. i was very happy to start getting some answers. The accent was never too bad for me. Other comments: Not a bad thing more of an FYI but for some reason when i see fatforgs my brain reads fart-frogs. it cause me to double take a few times when reading. I was lost with the whos who at the counsel. Personally and i know many disagree but i would love to be info dumped on (in an interesting way) at this point or earlier. I feel quite lost with all the terms, and races and am having trouble keeping it straight. I imagine Theavis would as well having lost his memory. That being said you still have a really cool world, i want to know more about it. I am wondering if Magnus died when they shattered his rock column The action was nice but i wish Theavis joined in/did more.

Thanks Rohyu. The phoenix info is new to this submission. I have made my my own in-world phoenixes but because there essential firebirds i kept the name. i don't know if ill be able to go into them in this story but you are not missing anything lore wise. Essentially that line was a world building tidbit that may or may not come back in the end...haven't got there yet. Good to know about the creature descriptions. I' glade you enjoyed the escape, it didn't go as i originally envisioned. Robinski, your right to call me on the bow. I hope to avoid these things in the future but that what alpha/beta reader are for right?

Thanks Shrike and Robinski Shrike: Description: Good points. I will try to smooth those sections out. to keep the pacing even. Sneaking: You raise some interesting point here. The captives being armed will likely have to go, (its not very critical anyway). I kinda got world-buildly about the spiritblades when writing and gave them to much page time. Satyrs: i did foreshadow them a little in the previous submission when he notice the weird tracks but i didn't dwell on it. i can punch this up some so they don't come from left field as much. Robinski: A lot in there, all helpful ill try for the highlights. Satyrs: explained next submission the difference between them and Neetut. The word had: as i am writing in the present tense, i have been forcing myself not to use past tense words unless a character is relating back. Its been a struggle and often parts of my submission end up in past tense before i realize it was wrong. Looks like its leaking the other way too now. The bow: opps, i forgot i deleted that bit of dialogue from, a previous submission. i will probably add it back in. General gist is Kang thinks bows are inferior to Crossbows almost to the point of extremism. Betsi: The name is possible to change. The axe if through the arm would likely hit the stock..depending on the angle. i will mull this over. Internal monologue: i am really struggling with this, as you can see. The internal arguments did not work in the last submission. I feel the compulsion to put down Kangs thoughts because he is thinking therefore you should see him thinking. I will try to smother this urge some more. Story length: This only planned for a novella and we are roughly at the half way point right now. i have 3-4 more submissions to get to the end. Being my first foray in to creative writing since high school, a novel was to big for me (the novella is feeling overwhelming write now to be honest). That being said i do hope to write multiple novella/novelette length independent stories about Kang and mash them together into a novel with a frame story, but that is far-far down the road. Thanks again guys this helps alot.

Thanks for the feedback RDP I am definitely going for Present tense as it is supposed to be the reader experiencing Kang's memories via in-story magic (although i do not communicate that point, i have thought of writing a second-person frame story to get that point across). The Neetut are not werewolf although they are inspired from werewolf's/lyconthropy in general. As to how they are formed it is not a bite. i have tried eluding very lightly earlier in the story and do revisit it more in the next part of the story, but i could use a small hint again in this part. Good catch on places to show. As i mostly discovery write i tend to get plot-vision and end up telling more then i mean to. (something i need to review more for)

Ashley is a gender neutral name. Ashleigh i believe is a female only spelling. That being said i would believe people tend to associate gender neutral names with the gender of people they know with said name. I.E. i know more female Ashley then male so for me i assume its a female. On to the story As with others, i was thrown by the Protag being male, but that is reader bias based on author name. In a novel this isn't a problem because most people will have read a 1-2 sentence blurb on the back so they will know the protags name and gender. I really liked your "Voice". i found it engaging and it is what pulled me through the story. The ashtray confused me but that has been mentioned. The one thing that was jarring to me was when you introduce the mother by her name first. To me that mean he thinks of her as "Julia" not "mom". But that is not how the character thinks of her in the rest of the story. I missed the "First part" part of the email so when i got to the end I was really confused. Going back over it i don't have any idea what the plot will be (a hint would be nice) but i think it is a solid start to a story and look forward to where it leads. Cheers

Hi All, Sorry the submission is late. Hope you enjoy. Thanks in advance for the feedback

If there is room i would like to submit on Monday as well. Cheers

I would have kept reading after the first paragraph. I liked the story but felt a little unsatisfied at the end and i couldn't figure out why until I read some of the comments above. For me the story felt more about what is under the hats, not the weather control. And i really wanted to know what is under the hat. I might have missed it but it is never clearly stated but you elude to vegetation i think? If this reveal/twist was latter i think it would have worked better for me. Also the word goggled felt odd. All and all cool story.

I enjoyed the story as a whole and i I loved the end. I have some very minor notes listed below: Until the Second flash back i I though that Esther was older then Sia. Esther seams very creepy/stalkery in the market scene, and it was off putting to me. She i really obsessed but i don't know why. Of coarse it makes sense at the end. Page 7 the line "Your story grows long. Tell me...." This felt out of place and forced to me. Sia just asked Ester a question 3 seconds ago and the explanation about the mother is short not lengthy. Also isn't she really doing this for her sister. So she just know where Eminal lives? The intro to the third flashback was very like the 2nd flash. Esther says the almost the exact same thing and felt repetitive to me although I does work.

Stephanie chapter was much more interesting then Renfeilds which was a little bland but had unique elements to it. Upon reflection i would think Jason would have clued in to hanks deception. Was he not with Stephanie when she told him about the visions? He might have missed Hanks comment about the lightning because he is worried about Stephanie but i think he would clue in when Stephanie starts flipping out about it.. Old money. I don't know how it works in the US and i can be wrong about how it works in Canada, but the bills would still be legal tender regardless if they are in circulation or not. Thus not worthless. If anyone but a bank would accept them is a different question. Cool alternate history about Oswald! When Stephanie hits Jason, the sequence is a little unclear Stephanie says tying him up would take to long then the next scene Jason is zip tied. seems inconsistent I like Stephanie's comment on the next step with Jason. Also for wording i noticed: Page 1 Few knew the basement of this building spilled far more blood then the sixth floor. -the wording of this sentence does not flow for me. Page 6 "No," Jason said softly. "He is okay" Missing word i think? I am very excited to see what happens now that Stephanie and Renfeild are together. Cheers

I think this chapter helped fill in some of the gaps for me. i felt like the tension was starting to rise. The start of the second scene was confusion to me, i thought i was in seans POV then i was in stephanie's. Also i thought Sean was in the room, then he entered the room. Sean seemed to be waiting for Seaward one minute then knows Seawards on vacation the next. i reread that a few times but couldn't figure out what was happening. Sean felt incompetent to me ( i was wonder why he hasn't been disposed as CEO) What bothered me the most was why was Andy at this meeting. He is the new kid but not someone of rank so it felt awkward he would get this news first at the same time as Stephanie who is his boss. I liked the comment about bloodsucking investors.

Hi All, Thanks for the great feedback. The inner monologue will be changed in the next submission and those after it. i might have gotten away with that. To answer some questions raised: Shrike: I do not cover how the potions are made..etc in the first chapter. As much as i would like to do a full magic system dump much of the information is probably irrelevant to the story. i might work bits in the later submissions for flavor but i wont know till i get to them. RDP and Mandamon: i see what you mean about setting the scene. i am trying to keep the description to a minimum to stop myself from over describing and to keep the pace high but an extra paragraph of description would probably be more beneficial to keep you in the setting. RDP: I'm happy you liked the Tea The end I was aiming more for him passing out from exhaustion rather then being knocked out. but i can see it being redundant. i will think over that. Rohyu: Yea he is alone in his head...that's my bad. Having him try and outrace the storm was in my outline, but the story didn't unfold that way when i wrote it. Robinski: Which part did you find boring? When did you start skimming? Would it have worked better to keep you attention if i cut the sailing, putting a scene break from finding the ice boat to him crashing it? I think i mention what the Olemus is in chapter one, i need to beef up and clarify the magic in this section so it is understandable and less boring. Thanks again!

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