Kammererite

Overall i thought the pace was good and the action pulled me through. The humour/banter was what i enjoyed the most about these chapter. I thought Evelyn and co. would have arrived sooner as well. The conflict between Sohpie and Renfield was tense. As mentioned by those above, the chosen backed of pretty easily. Why would they be guarding this scroll to begin with if they were just going to leave at the first sign of trouble. Also why would they be guarding the scroll in a public place if they don't need it. Evelyn flips position rather easily fro destroying the scroll and then preserving it.

Another set of good character driven chapters. I don't have much to add on everyone else comments. Page 13. I think you mean propose not marry. I am unclear as to why they waited for night. Was Rewer scouting..if so he did a poor job. Awesome LARPing. Okay this speculation is rooted in information from the next chapters but i suspect the buyer is Rewer or working for him. The end pulled me right into the next submission

I enjoyed the chapters. Nice characterization starting on Evelyn. and more on the Renfeild-Stephanie dynamic. I was pulled quickly through these chapters. It was nice to see Jason back. The alternate history involving the monsters is very interesting, i like the odd tidbits your dropping. Supper Nit picky. The tea in chapter 26 boiled very fast and there wasn't much of an indication of a time lapse occurring. On page 6. who is analysing the tape? i might have missed somthing.

Overall I enjoyed this submission. I liked getting the information on the scholomance and on the council and i though it was handled well. That said it didnt occur to me till someone above me mentioned it but i think it would be more plasuable for Renfield to know more of the facts already although Rewer would certainly have better speculation on what is more legend and vague history then Renfield would. There seams to be a line of dialogue from Renfeild missing on the first page between the last two paragraphs. Renfield running: This might just be me missing something.This isn't the first time Bannister mentions this but when did Renfeild actually run and when did bannister inform the council . I know Renfeild was planning on running but he never actually did because banister caught up with him and wolfed out. Also why is this such a deal? Banister makes it seam like Renfeld is on parole or something earlier, but i never got that impression. Awesome revel about Van Helsing. Page 10- “Surgery scars . . . that can be. Frankenstein only made one monster. The other was . . . destroyed?” These sentences contradicts each other.Their can't be an other if their was only one.

Thanks for the feedback Robinski. I am glad the action pulled you through. As for the Ralik talking, I was trying to characterize him quickly. Might need to cut back the info and just have him mutter small dialogue lines of no story purpose. The idea was Ralik was to distracted to notice kang period...but I might have to steel the toying thing, if your okay with it as its awsome. As for the choice, I will think on that. Spirit blessed...oops might of got a little carried away with an impromptu idea. Glad the coal scene worked. Face ripping: I might have gone a little to far And RDP I do not think I am set up for those twists. Thanks again guys

If our end goal is to have you impersonate the oldman. Maybe you over herd some soldiers or skaa talking about his mannerisms. That could help you with mimicking him later.

Thanks for reading, Both of you make a great point about the amount of conversation when running. This being my first story and discovery writing the antagonists, i got to a point just before this scene and was like why are they doing this...and is anyone else wondering this, so i wrote it in. I can understand how that removes the tension of the scenes so let me ask you: Would it work better if i were to remove the conversation about the warlocks motivation and place it in the Denouement or do you think this information is necessary at all? Also did you find the information on how they escaped necessary or could you have done with out it? @Shrike- great point about the village, i'll add more description. I am glad you both liked the twist. Thanks again!

Hi all. This is hopefully the second last installment of my story, All feedback is welcome. Thanks in advance

So I am not intending to be rude or anything but i was just wondering what's is currently impeding us from progressing, as it might be a communication breakdown or a misread post. If its your busy in real life then i completely understand and retract my comment...just curious.

i would also like to submit another submission of Essence of Fire

I guess i will take first blood on this submission. Overall: I found the tension to be nice in the fight and i thought the characters are progressing i like the reveals about Dyllis and Covelles reactions to them. Fight: while the action was good in this section some of the sentences felt clunker to me. I tried to pull out the parts that felt clunky to me. Any grammar suggestions take with a grain of salt. Page 80- .... Covelle was up and backing over assorted linens, waving a knife in the harbourmaster’s face, relieved at the Dyllis’s quick reaction. --Personal opinion but I felt like this information was out of place and should have been closer to the start of the sentence. Page 81- Covelle, not stopping, relied on his sense of direction to .... --the placement of the violet words throws me out of my rythem. Page 81- Covelle thrust a knife at the midriff of his opponent , but the man parried it in a blur. His other fist came over Covelle’s guard and... --Missing word i think plus the second "his" make me think it Covelle still acting until i read his name as the target. Page 83- ...them and Covelle fended him off. --I think this sentence is a great place to expand if you wanted to. I asked my self what happened to the guy a few sentence later. Page 84- ...the flames crawled up onto the bed, soon rising towards the ceiling. --Personally i think the sentence flows better with out soon. Page 84 - The first man pushed past him and started up, water slopping out of his bucket as Covelle’s boots hit the cobbles. --I feel the actions are taken out of order in this sentence even though they are simultaneous. Page 85- None of the boats was new,... --Were? Page 86- The town rose above it , its tall quayside buildings, and beyond them houses.... --I do not know what either it is refering to in this sentence. I want to say the first one is referring to the pier, and the second the town? Page 86- After the madness of combat, the fire, the crowd, the wide expanse of water was peaceful. -- i think you need an "and" between fire and crowd. Page 86 - sandbanks reflecting the blue sky... --just curious but do sand banks reflect the colour of the sky? Also there are a few times where in my opinion you used pronouns when the use of a proper noun would have made it flow better. Back to story points Dyllis being ignored in fight- minor issue but why are they not all attacking her Covelle is dazed. who would you be more worried about people with knifes or the girl who used forbidden magic to melt your friend. Covelle thinking about helping the kingsmen even for a second - i do not think this idea would even cross Covelle mind. Influence power. I knew it! Was so happy i was right. Dessel: this felt a little thin as sole evidence to make a connection on given the information you provide. Surely others could grow the herb. Toe: i don't believe Dyllis used the toe for this. This could be weekly reader syndrome but i will explain my logic. 1) her foot wound was to fresh. and does not align with the story. The wound should be over a week old (removed before she was searching for Covelle). 2) If she has all her other toes then how did they discover her ability of influence or test it if it requires such a big piece of her. that being said if she can influence people to different degrees with different amounts of catalysts then i am willing to concede this point. As a note i get the feeling that Covelle is the protagonist at this point in time as most of the POV has been him. Looking forward to the next. Cheers

Thanks for the feedback. @ royhu -I'm happy you enjoyed the scene. All your grammar comments are noted and i will add "Are" to my find and replace routine of my common errors. -Yes the rock is the piece of coal. I look into that paragraph. I'll keep the time to bond in mind. @ Rdp - Dangit. I thought that name was original. - Ill look into that. I did have a lot more before and removed alot by using italics and !. - Glad you liked the transformation. I was afraid it might come of repetitive since had one last submission.

Thanks for the feedback Rohyu. comments in red

ooc: It would appear we did Kadrok. I think the scarier thing is in the entire party we have no influence above 3. but we all seem to have good wits, with every one is 5+ except for Undus, who is the only one with strong standings. Should lead to some interesting options.

All comments and feed back is welcome. Thanks in advance. Cheers.

I would like to throw my name into the proverbial hat for this week if there is room. However please bump me out if there is to many or other people want to submit.

--Unfortunate i don't have much to offer on this chapter. I enjoyed it and was ever so happy to be in Benams POV. you have me thinking there is some sort of conspiracy in the kingsman or that the men were not really kingsman but stole the cloths. --I find it fitting that Ahma is Pro-kings on edicts related to casting. I might be mistaken but i believe you stated she is a caster as well , So it would fit that she could either hate the power or pretend to hate it as a cover so people do not expect it of her, --Good tension in the Covelle scene --great ending Look forward to the next

Chapter 20 --In the last paragraph on page 2 you imply that Andy is a top agent, which we know he is not at this point. --Who is Irving talking to? i feel like we should have a name rather then just this man. Other then that. it was a good chapter to me. I like Irving more but not more then the others yet. Chapter 21 --It feel like Renfield is constantly revealing new information. I thought he spilled it all last chapter to Stephenie but then he says the wisdom of soloman and i'm like what he knows more...and what is that? Some nice build up here, and great banter at the end. Chapter 22 --I get the feeling that the start overlaps with the end of the last chapter but as shrike mentioned they don't share the same dialogue so i assumed some time has passed and she is referring to a different argument..but that also doesn't fit quite right based on the reference in the dialogue. --I find it interesting that Stephanie constantly refers to Renfield as insane, yet he clearly dosen't seem to be..it show he bias based on how she was raised. --chocolate flies..nice touch --Great last line. (although i wonder if you need the non-italics part). All in all a nice group of chapter that are building the tension to something. Looking forward to what that is.

Once again i enjoyed this submission and i really like the banter. and the action was good an fast paced. I liked getting some information on Dracula and the scholomance. I agree that the two enemies seam to trust each other a little quicky but given the angry werewolf above them i can get over that. I am a shocked that after a few hours banister doesn't leave the way he came in as that gate is still open.however i assume its because he is trying to get at the prey below. I am confused on how with three feet the bars are digging into Stephanie when she is lying down or even crawling. Also when the chase starts and Stephanie runs into a hunched Renfield. i got the imperssion he was searching the ground no the train cars

Overall I Liked these chapters, found them quick, and enjoyable to read. I will be catching up today and these submission is making moving on to the next group easy. I liked the action in the last two chapters and enjoy the interplay between Renfield and Stephanie, especially Renfeilds reactions/thoughts to her. Irvings chapter was interesting and has got me thinking although i am I am having a hard time believing Sean can be so stupid and still be in charge. My only other issue is bannister cutting it so close and that was mentioned above. It did not even feel like Renfeild would have had time to get him chained up if he left as soon as Bannister showed up and said lets go

Awesome feedback so far guys. All very useful. Some clarifications/answers in red. Cheers.

Ooc: to my knowledge I could be wrong. If mckeedee determines does material are not readily available the I will need to take a reasource Challange. Mckeedee will set a difficulty 1 being a simple task and 5 being very hard. I then roll my reasource plus modifies for traits and conditions (I don't think I have any applicable here). If I meet or exceed the difficulty via doubles on the dice. Then I get the items and loose one reasource standing. If I do not make the difficulty, bad stuff can happen and I lose one resource regardless....a more detailed explanation can be found in the primer. It's a free Doenload on crafty games website

Arsenowick approaches the raided caravan with the warord Kleg. He surveys the carriages thoughtfully as plan coming to mind; a vision of what this caravan might become. Raseed said to make it flashy, and i think i know just the thing. Arsenowick turns to Kleg. "I' am going to be needing some fabric, something colorful. Infact the more colours the better. Oh and i am going to need to borrow some carpentry tool. Can we mange that? We can talk about the horse after I get this set up." Aresnowick, hopes into the back of one of the three carriages. i think will put a trap door right here. OCC: Action: acquire colour full fabric and carpentry tools. (do i roll this or does Mckeedee). I intend to burn gold topick up additona skills as a carpenter to help disguise the caravan but at 10 minuents a charge i can't do the entire caravan as an expert, any thoughts.

I'm in too. Shall we get actioning

Hi all, These two scene's are the bane of my story. I struggled through them (especially the second scene) and they haunt my writing session begging me to change them constantly. I finally have them somewhere i am content with these scenes but i am completely open to taking an axe to them. As always any feedback is welcome but more specifically: Is the first scene too infodump? Did you get bored in the second scene? Hopefully the grammer is improving. Thanks in advance for reading.