Kammererite

So I liked this. Particularly I like that there is an entire civilisation of Westermann, with snatchers a kind of slaver. I agree with Mandaemon that the fact that humans do not now about Westermann vs snatchers very odd. Their must be some physical divide from the westermannish homeland that keeps humans from realizing there are more big people then just those that raid there homes and take people. Cave formation. With stalactites and stalagmites i'm imagining a limestone cavern..probably a some sort of karst system. however you don't get mountains made of just limestone (if i remember mountain building 101). To that point you need water to form Karsts and you wouldn't have much permeate into the mountains. That said if the cave is more westermann-made that could explain some aspects but i feel stalactites/stalagmites might be out if this is the case. But this is way beyond the point of this book so it not a big issue. Character interactions: I thought that both characters were a little over trusting of each other at first, but after reflection i was fine with it. Pacing: I liked it. I went ch 10 - the end of this no stops, and it all flowed well. Imagry was clear for me, and nothing didn't work (except the humans ignorance of Westermann). Look forward to more

Thanks for reading Kasia and Krystalynn! All of your feedback is very helpful. Below are some comments on your awesome comments. Thanks again for reading!

Hi All, This is the first part of a fantasy novelette I wrote. It is meant to be stand alone; however it uses the same characters and world from my Novella Essence of Fire. This story is also a reboot of something I submitted near the start of the year. So if you read that try and forget it as this is the new beginning. All comment are welcome, However my major question/concern is the pacing and weather the beginning is interesting to keep you reading. G*: i am really bad at editing so i’ll putt a grammer warning on this

I thought this was an intriguing opening. It definitely raised one big question for me, which is what did the seer say that would cause the queen to kill her children and all her attendants. That said I'm not sold on the story, but then agaoiin i dont know what it is yet so i definitely would want to read chapter 1. -I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you? As Robinski was pointing out above, i am one of the people who don't take the time to properly pronounce names. I just roughly memorize the word and fit my own pronunciation two it, however i do think it fits better. -Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage? (This is his POV chapter) If this is his only chapter then i would say for me he was. I though it conveyed the information from the excerpts in a much more coherent and readable fashion.

I enjoyed this chapter, the pace was great and the action good and the revel even though i saw it coming was satisfying. The only detriment was that at a few points the blocking got a little unclear (I've commented on those below) Looking forward to reading more. Claire: Where was Claire? She was so big earlier that i was shocked her name wasn't mentiond. Number of Brides: First of this information should come closer to when Calgary and Oz enter the room. it just felt appended. Now assuming the six brides doesn't count Hayden and Penton, we have three going of to the Magnetars on there own. Then one front, one back, Hayden in the centre. So six including Hayden. Now when they are loading the Magnetar we have two brides getting in with Hayden...so there cant be any with Oz and Penton left unless i missed something. Hayden: I found it odd that Calgary called Hayden out by name, it felt jarring. Does he know her? Plan: Why aren't they all going to the Magnetars together. Are the other sweeping the building for survivors if so say so. if not why are they splitting up. A sentence more here would really help me understand what is happening. Tense Slips: you slipped to past tense i think, on page 6 "...Calgary's two shots take out..." Magnetar: After they exit the canteen is the first Magnetar already there waiting for them, was it parked there or did one of the other brides bring it around. ...the air around us heats...: read awkwardly to me. I think: after the first one they others statements didn't flow well. Last Paragraph: i think you could cut this and the ending would have been stronger for me.

I would like to put my name in the fish bowl for next week

Kuiper, you have something ready don't let me stand it the way. Waiting one week make no diffrance to me.

I'll defer to next week. A week for additional line editing never hurts.

So i finally managed to beat my story's ending into submission, so i would like to start submitting next week if there is still room.

So i really enjoyed reading this. I liked the build of tension and was really engaged by Frank. He also made me dislike the doctors so good job, (I was kind hoping something bad would happen to him). The reveal was great. I got a little confused in the in the hypno room. At first i thought the projection was on the ceiling then on the wall. and the moon didn't seam to be a part of the projected image. My only other comment is the term the BigH. I couldn't remember he went through heart surgery and while Big C is common enough, i have never heard of heart surgery as the Big H. in fact my mind went to something completely different when i read this. Very enjoyable.

Werebever for the Win!!!

I will Try to clarify. Warning scincy post ahead (please correct me if i am wrong my physics is rusty): Point one. forces have an effective limited ranges. for example gravity (which is describes by the equations F=Gm1m2/r^2) Decreases proportional to r squared. In simpler terms the force of gravity between two objects is four times less if you double the distance between them and 9 times less if you triple the distance between them. That said i assume (big assumption so i might be wrong) magnetism has a similar relationship with distance, or else my magnet would fly across the room and attach itself to the fridge. **Note: a significantly strong MAG Field can move small metal objects, that how we have compasses** Point two: Effective amplification gravity: This was my bad, in choosing poor terms. By Ferrous metals I meant iron metals (as metals like copper, tin, gold and there allows are all non magnetic). Now if we assume there is a relationship between distance and magnesium then in space it would be lower and on the earth surface it would be higher (note:i took a quick look through my old physics text and Magnetics is way more complicated then gravity so i couldn't find the equation). Since there is a stronger magnetic "pull" on the earth it would make it seam like there is an apparent amplification in gravity when near the deep magnet (although it might not be a straight down force.) Hope this clarified what i was trying to say of not PM me. Cheers

Magneite Location: First you say magnets are the earth core, then you say crust their in the crust. I suggest sticking with crust if you can, but that brings up to me how deep. Last i checked the deepest we have gotten is 13km with a drill. Also Ocean crust is thinner then continental crust. Deep Magnet = energy: I am find with a hand wave "this is the future and we figured it out". That said it is interesting and i would like to know more but i don't think it is necessary unless its crucial to the plot. Mobile energy: no idea what you mean here. Magnetic grid attracting meteor: I am not sure if the numbers would be reasonable on the size of a magnetic field required to sligtly alter a meteor that big but its still cool. So Anything that is creating external fields in the atmosphere might no be going to far into space (not sure what the distance relation ship on MAG fields are. That also said this field would have a huge effect on ferrous metals on the earth surface effectively amplifying gravity to the point that iron might not be used anymore. Good character building and world hitting in these chapters. Lots of ground work begin laid. I found the writing engaging and easy to follow, and am enjoying the story so far. Great cliff hanger ending. Really want to real the next chapter.

Triangle with sun....Wait , isn't this night right? Or are you speaking astrological here. If so you need to hint this more by showing the sociality astrological sophistication or else hoe could they know. "Hair intermingled wit energy". Why?. Ae and Iu switching sides, so it wasn't before? In the ritual you implied to me the balls were there in the paragraph before the begin to form. "I feel really bad about my self now" show this don't tell Banter- starting to get on my nerves by the end. Salane flies off the handle at everything and Moon is just clueless. It didn't work for me Magic- This is still the highlight but i wish we say more action in these chapter using it. Ritual was interesting but a little convoluted (to much description in think) for me. Walk- So there was a lot of info dumping here that while interesting we probably could subsist without till you sliver it in later. Over all i still like the world and the premise. The promise of an adventure and a mysterious eclipse are interesting but the characters are starting to grate.

I'll bow out. I procrastinated a little to much so another week would be good.

I am still enjoying this story and liked these two chapters. I thought the world building was done with a light hand and came off well. Nape of the neck: this might be weekly reader syndrome but i thought he was sitting across from them, not behind them, so how can he see their necks. ...skin as dark as mine is pale... This read awkwardly and i am not sure what you are really saying here. Raj: Who's Raj, this name came from nowhere with no explanation. Is it Johnny's dad? if so it could be clearer. Greens: this name is just dropped, i though you meant trading posts are greens but you correct this later so i assume a green is a food plantation? Piston: Not sure what this action is. I know it unclogs the hose but its more distracting then descriptive to me. Lithium Strip: This isn't a strip of lithium metal right? Copper wire: why is this burning blue (i thought copper burned green, could be wrong)? Also this felt like it burned fast, which i do not think it it would. ,The copper would just melt into a clump assuming the fire was hot enough (and i don't think a normal fire is). I like the Hayden scene don't cut it. Same with the test (although you could beef this up). Really enjoying this so far, keep it up. Cheers

Okay so im going to comment on the woldbuilding comments first. Comet/asteroid: I think the correct term is Meteorite or one of its forms once its impacted the earth. Extinction event: So i didn't study this but it was part of my education some 7 years ago and at that time The dinosaur extinction was a hotly debated topic. Most people believe the impact was involved in the extinction but that the ancillary effects where the killer over time. that all said there are many question as to why all dinosaurs (big and tiny) died and why mammals survives this event. There is belief that dinos were on there way to extinction prior to the impact and it just hastened the process. Finally this event was reality small. Their are previous extinction events in geological time that were much more devastating and we have not firm idea why. That all said i am happy with there being life post meteor strike as it makes sense to me. Really? What is the reason for this? Why does it need oxygen? (Honestly curious) Look into Stromatalites and Photochemical Dissociation for re-producing the atmosphere. Ozarks: My quick geological research says no to glacial formation but that does not preclude glacial streams being involved in the erosion of the uplifted rocks, as the area appears to be in the Laurentide ice sheet glacial out-wash plain. My US Geology is bad but they don't seam to be true tectonic mountains like the Rockies or the Appalachians, but rather one of the million unique formations. I'll post on my story comments later.

I'll Throw my name into the hat for a four parter ive been working on. I only have to finish the story then do line edits. How long can that take

Cloak: So the clock is Silver on Silver. Not sure if that would show up to anyone who isn’t 6 inch away. George is trying to give not sell the Kabobs to moon. Yay potions: I like potions in books! Moon being human is a stretch so far with how he talks about humans on page 1. But I think I need to see more on the creature diversity before I am sold on this. On page 9, you contradict yourself by saying the stalker is very dangerous but then retract that in the next line. “Salane cheerfully steps in the very slight light around the Spire where the tree cover does not block”....Phrase is awkward Running in new boots...Poor Salane, she would be blistered to death. From personal experience you need to break footwear first, not go on a two hour run with it. Salane smiles only when annoyed. This is contradicts previous scenes unless you’re saying that the entire time she’s been on page she has been annoyed (which I don’t buy). Page 16…but claiming to have ‘stalked’ them means that they surprised you know..... I have no ideas what you’re trying to say here. I think the setting need some buffed up descriptions, as I did not have a clear picture. Right know your story could range from stone-age to modern age; however, I lean toward modern based on your word choices (Cart, Market, building, shop, alley) All in all a cool premises. I like the moonwolf...darkwolf difference and the magic seams interesting. I am interested to know more about the powers other than the moon light channelling and the rest of the world. Cheers

I don't think you need to remove it, but better describe how the character knocked it over. Tipping it over works, or wedging themselves against the wall and the machine and pushing with the legs would also work to IMO.

I enjoyed this. Small thing, the omission of Granny in front of all Jane instances in narrative made me think their was another Jane. Graves: Why are there graves here and not on the planes. Shouldn't they have the year snatches on them. And if they left immediately why would there people be buried by the house, and not with the village folk. (Grandpa Teal i understand.) Snares: I am not a hunter but i do have friends that do. Simplest snare is a drag snares which is just a loops of cord you place on game trails animal runs through pulls wire tight and chokes the animal. i think your using something called a balance pole snare. Boot falling off. This seams unlikely to me in this kind of time period. Where are her snow shoes? The pacing of ch. 8 was good and i liked the tension/ drive of Jennie. I'm definitely getting a BFG flash back here. So far i am enjoying the story. I am still not sure what the plot/major conflict will be. I imagine it will have to do with an unlike friendship between Jennie and Roamwald but i am getting the feeling that it might be kicking of to late. i guess ill see in the next submission. As for Charlotte in the kitchen, i was fine with it, or just giver her some of the mothers lines. Cheers

Good start. I don't think you need to cut the chase as it really world builds your setting. Comments on some aspect bellow. Rex: not having a plural form is grating on me a little. That said i think they themselves are cool, and like the tidbits yo dropped. Gun: This is to generic of a term, you don't have to use a specific gun name (especially if your character doesn't know what it is) but pistol, shotgun or rife would be a better description and slightly inform on you characters tactics. Mask: I got the impression it was a full face mask (don't know why) until it was ripped of. Baleen A/C: Great visual! Blocking at end of Scene one: The Rex is at the window, the MC is hanging ( i read the distance as more then an arms length). The Rex needs to get on the escape to take the mask. The landing: This paragraph on 7 reads like the character is falling twice. it threw me right out of the story. Commandeered bombs: The MC jump to this conclusion is way to quick with zero evidence to support this action has occurred . No time has passed yet but they have found, and reset all the bombs. Their is no way the MC just assumes this. Soda machine: This felt to easy to knock over. Second mask: Two points, you need to mention this is a back up when you first grab it. second i know the MC doesn't need it but you would think they would put on his back up right away, else why was he wearing his primary to begin with? Brides Mask: Confusing description, are their mouths not covered. It would be hard not to accentually inhale with your mouth. That all said the action was fun to read through (yay for another person writing in First person present) and you got me guessing on some things already. The fight/ chase were good very enjoyable (i like action sequences). Also i'll say i like the post- apocalypse them with out zombies.

Good story, ending was a little off. Comments bellow. Madgi- i understood they knew each other from before, but more as acquaintances/business relationship. The love aspect felt rushed to me. Battle: I think you need to block a little more. I was not sure who was flanking who. (that line could use a dialogue tag..i know your against them). Secondly this is a bridge...how could they pull of a flanking manoeuvre it would be far to narrow even on something like a freeway. Finally coming to the last point which is the real question, why are they even on the bridge. Typically walls make defence about a million times easier, a smart commander would not wait on the bridge but behind the walls and rain down death. Decimate. Personal i try to avid this word unless you mean kill one in ten, which renders the part after the comma redundant. on page 28 second paragraph, don't use attackers. Harth is attacking as well, so its not clear who you refer to. Tactic of weak in the back: I disagree with Harth. This makes sense. I think the Roman did it. If you spread your weak like Harth did then you weaken you entire army especially in formation fighting. If you keep them in the back then they can learn, and when they are sufficiently trained then you put them in units. Dammed light- Nit sure why Harth is cursing the light. his men Should have woken their commander. Plus he made the call to attack but not because of the light, or did he miss seeing something (that i missed when reading). The End. As for the end, agree with Mandameon in that it didn't come across as a dream to me. I thought it was a second chance at life to do things right (like in touched by an angel). This didn't bother me and it normally does. What bothered me more was Harth giving up and walking across the bridge to commit suicide, it just felt out of place to me in a story about holding the bridge. the Traveller: as an aside i thought he was the creator in disguise until the end (well him or Fermarald). Page 27- Harth driving into their ranks, slowing , laid about him with his axe. This is odd wording To the "major" comments: I really like military aspects in stories and the fact that major is a modern rank doesn't bother me especially in a short. Also i thought this world was around 1500-1700 based on the armour and weapons alone. I will say that to me Military ranks in fantasy are a trap unless you do your own. But then you have the why not call an apple an apple issue. So Trap. Overall a enjoyable read reguardless of the problems. Look forward to reading more in this world in the future.

Warfare Equipment question: Jump up and down with hand in the air. First off i am not an expert, but i do research this area and watch tons of videos on arms and armour in the middle age (not sure why since my book is set in a pusedo-bronze age) so this information could be wrong. Anyway standardized equipment depends i think mostly on force organization, as well as the time period (for cost and availability of weapons and armour). I do not believe the Romans were quite as standardized as TV portrays, but they were likely very standardized compared to most armies before and after them. Historically most soldiers equipped themselves even in standing armies which were rare.This leades to mix matched equipment, although a pike block would have all pikes still. Modern armies are equipped by the army so they are standardized, helmets, shields and spears for all. I have no issue believing that "the creator" could spring for top notch arms and armour as needed for his 500 (which is a small army size), that would be standardized across the unit (of course soldiers would likely augment it themselves to their personal preference). Sorry if i'm out of line commenting here. Cheers

I think main character death via heroic sacrifice is epic and can really pull at the heart strings. That said i believe there are other reasons to kill of a main character but i think they have to be important and make sense in the story. Personally for me Game of Thrones is to much. I really don't care about any of the remaining characters and would be willing to wager that when he finish the series that all the original POV's will be dead or meaningless. Mini rant aside. I personally am not a fan of resurrection. Sure i've seen it done well but typically i put the book/ stop watching a show when this happens and walk away. If you kill a character they should stay dead unless your doing some afterworld story with ghosts or different dimensions. Just my opinion. Cheers