Kammererite

I am really curious to find out what kind of monster Evelyn when you mention the white streak in her veins and hair(I'm not big on supernatural monsters so I could have missed a big hint here or in the name but my curiosity is piqued). Page 4. "I don't think i'll ever get back what that ma..." I think this needs to be the unless Redfield had multiple masters. Like Mandamon I am confused who Westerna at this point. I had thought it to be the Hunters but the last paragraph muddles this. If Westerns is the Hunters, how would Bannister know about the bounty. in there pervious scene the only reference to Redfield was in Stephanie thoughts. I doubt Bannister would stopped for a cup of tea for Jason during the scene break. (I might be over analyzing this point) I still am enjoying the story though.

Thanks for the feed back so far. I do want the pace to feel fast but not rushed so ill have to work on that. Spelling and grammar have always been my bane. ill have to try a different method of reviewing, as my brain goes to autopilot every time I read something I've written and I get the full intended sentence rather then what I had written. Has anyone had luck reading out load to catch missing words and mistakes.

Now I did like the banter in the car. It made me smile while reading and also lighted the mood somewhat. I agree with Robinski that the Abrams movie make the team look a little amateurish, but I think it work as your trying to paint Holmwood as an amateur (you are right?) Now I may be new but I disagree with Robinski on the treat of a cane. Someone trained in stickfighting would be a threat and could probably crush your windpipe before you can rush them if they have a sturdy stick your throat. Also you would have to imagine that the vampire hunters would be wary of supernaturals and thus it would make the threat of a stick more deadly. On page 6 when listing the peoples expertise, you mention Sonya full name, rather then either just a first name like Alberto, or Jason, or just a last name like Roxton. This felt weird to me. Page 7: the bad news was her team was still a man short with Holmwood are guard duty Did you mean on Page 8 : The misshapen thing before them was not ape as.... I think your missing a word here. Page 8. ...before he bounded onto a nearby platform raised to the ground Did you mean from Page 9. Jason could read the disappointment in her eyes. We are in Stephanie viewpoint, how can we know what Jason thinks? Page 10. The man twisted around, sidestepping Jason completely, while a blow from his cane disarmed him I think you need to tweak this slightly as it sounds like the man is disarming himself or rather Jason is disarming the man. Page 10. ....glass exploding in the shards interrupted.... Did you mean into I'll be reading more for sure

Alright, I know I am late but here are my thoughts. First tings first. I like it. I notice a few inconsistency but those have been covered by others. The one thing I did not see mentions was how can the sub have guidance systems when you destroyed most systems with the orb. Also, I found that I was jarred out of the story a few times when you described additional features of the Sub later into the story. From your initial description I had created an image of a barren metal tube with maybe a few lights, basically its was notable for being featureless. So when the wiring exploded in sparks I was like what wiring. The next thing for me was the windows and door. Now I am not an expert on subs, but every movie I have seen, a sub rarely has a window, there structural weak points (only scientific subs do) and they never have doors. They have hatches. Since I do not associate these features with a submarine I felt thrown right out of the story when they appeared in it. But other then that I am definitely interested to see what happens next.

Here is a place to post you comments and feedback. Cheers

If it is alright I would like to turn in the first submission of my story.

I do listen to writing excuses and sometimes make notes, but I have yet to do any of the exercises or writing prompts yet. I have also watched Sanderson's 2014 lectures on YouTube which were really helpful. At the moment I have ~8500 word written in extremely rough draft of which I would say 1500 is ready to be read at this point. So i should be able to submit something this week. Cheers

Hello All, My name is Bryan, and I am new to reading excuses and the forum as of last Sunday, although I have stumbled upon in a few time in the past. I am a geologist up in Canada. About 5-6 years ago when I really started reading more fantasy novels outside of D&D campaign settings, I began creating my own Fantasy world. In this fantasy world these random parts of stories beginnings would happen when I had a moment or two to relax, but unfortunately I would never get to the ending of these stories. So I decided to try and write one out and get to the end. I only got a short way into my novel before life, university, and several irreplaceable hard drive corruptions derailed me and I lot my writing momentum and fell victim to world builder disease. So now after stumbling on Writing Excuses and spending six months trying to work up the initiative to write, I have begun work on what will hopefully be a fantasy novella. I am a big fan of Fantasy with one of my favorite novels being Bloodsong by Anthony Ryan, and someone who only discover Sanderson's works 2 years ago (although i've read all but Warbreakers now). Cheers

Hey ccstat. thank you for you thoughts The ODing at the end was a part of the original outline because it is awesome. I was gonna have it closer to the 2/3-3/4 quarters mark and then the hero uses his new powers to save they day, but it was feeling very Dux ex machina to me. Also In my mind I can't see someone who recently OD being able to use much of there abilities, its more likely they would just turn feral for a time. Finally if I wanted to write additional stories about the character I would be primarily writing the shapeshifting magic system in the stories. As for your question Q: Can shapeshifter still use potions; A: yes and no. They become allergic to potions they do not share a common blood essence with. Q: What does the blood of shapeshifters do? A: I have no idea It had not occurred to me to think on it. I know the mutant animal/human creature are just like animals in this respect.

Brent Week's the Lightbringer book's have a "hard" magic system and its super cool. Each person draws in a specific colour of light, and they need to be see that colour to draw it in, then they can create Luxin. Each type of luxin has a unique mass texture smell, and thus some are better suited to making different things.

@VindicationKnight Here are the answers to your questions. Keep in mind this is a working system so thing might change Q:How are the potions made? A: I envision the potions being made up of several components: A source + a blueprint +/- an attribute key. Bound together in a way yet determined. The source what generates the magic, it could be animal blood, however the longer, it is left to air the more magic evaporates from it thus good is only viable when you have immediate consumption. Most potions use a magical infused variant of ice, which is only found in the glacier in the story's kingdom (hence why they continue to live there and don't just leave). The blueprint is what defines how potent the attribute can be. This is always a type of blood, although any blood can be used for any potion, but some are not well suited to cert in potions. An example would be that a potion made from the blood of a bear will impart more strength then the same potion made with the blood of a hare. The attribute key is what deferments which attribute is taken and this is an optional component. As each animal has a key attribute to it which (some are unique, other are not). If this component is not included then the potion defaults to the key attribute of the blood used. The attribute key ingredient is an animal part symbolically linked to that animals key attribute. I realize that makes probably made no sense so here is an example. I wanna make a night vision potion. I could use the magic ice + the blood of a owl. Alternatively I could use the magic ice + the blood of a bear + the eyes of an owl. I could be wrong on how good a bears night vision is bur the second potion will not be as good as the first. Q: What attributes can they grant? A: I do not have a firm list but here are some things: Strength, vitality, all 5 senses + other senses like heat vision, body heat (very impotant in a cold climate setting), lung capacity (underwater breathing), camouflage (like chameleons, this being very rare in the north). I am unsure on flight at this point in time, although I do lean toward weightlessness. Q:Using multiple potions? A: if they impart the same attribute they are added. If they are different attribute and then it depends on the precisions skill. If he is not skilled the cause a debilitating sickness. Q:what does human blood do? A: Ah human blood has 2 primary attributes; memories and ill call it will. This means a human potion can be used to either store and transfer knowledge (hence the absence of a written language) or to inflict your will upon the consumer. The later as you would imagine is highly illegal to do to another human. Hope that answer your questions Cheers

Hello All, I am a new member on this form but am also a long time form stalker of Creators Corner, and I find how you help each other out amazing. I am currently working on my own story but have bit of a snag. I am currently divided on which of my two magic systems to have my main character use. Both will be in my world as part of the background regardless. The story in a sentence: Hero uses magic to save a group of captives from the bag guys, possibly a dragon. (I know its extreme fantasy cliché and I am okay with it. To be honest I didn't even realize till months after I began outlining). Back to the magic systems Magic System A: Potions People consume magical potions (crafted from animal blood) which imbues them with one of the animals attributes Potions last 5-10 minutes Everyone can use this magic, (in-fact most people in this world do use this magic to aid in their every day lives). However only the rich can afford to indulge in the rare types of potions. Skilled users can extend the length of the effects by weakening the attribute gained. i.e a potion of strength gives you the additional strength of 3 men for 5 min. But a skilled users can suppress the magic and have the strength of 1 man for 15 min. Use potions increases your tolerance, so you can use stronger potions later. The stronger the potion the more addictive it is. Overdosing on the potions results in: Death (70% of the time); week long sickness (10%); Permanent mutation in to a human-animal monster like a harpy, werewolf , etc... (20%) Magic System B: Controlled shapeshifting Users of this system can shapeshift and/or partly shapeshift there bodies into that if an animal, Users can only shift to one form, this form can not change Skilled users they can also control how much of there body to shift, i.e only shifting there eyes of ears. Skilled users can control the degree to which they shift i.e partly transforming there arms (this could increase there strength). When in pure human or animal form they are weaker then they would normally be. The more they shift the stronger the animals instincts become There magic is extremely rare and comes about by a 1 in 1000 reactions to overdosing in magic system A. People who posses this magic are shunned by normal people who think they are also abominations Most shapeshifters are members an order of knights called the Inquisition: who hunt down dangerous creatures that would threaten the normal populace. Other cool thing I should add about the setting Mythological animals such as gryphons and chimeras are the results of magic experiment on animals There is no written language (at least where magic potions are prevalent) as people use memory potions to convey thoughts. Although there are a number of simple runes to convey simple things. The only intelligent races we know about are humans and dragons, although some groups of mutated human-animal hybrids have rudimentary cultures The story takes place in a Kingdom set on a series of glaciers . That's all the info for now. Circling back to the main question: Which of these two magic system would you rather read about? Cheers