Kammererite

15 The Rithmatist 20 Writing Excuses 25 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 23 Stormlight Archive 20 Mistborn

20 The Rithmatist 13 Role Playing 20 Writing Excuses 22 Reading Excuses 18 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 21 Stormlight Archive 20 Mistborn

Hi Robinski. Thanks for the feedback. I do want some humor for sure (specifically in the interactions between Lumi and Kang) but I probably need to pull back on this as it might not fit the story (like others have mentioned previously). I will be doing some thinking on this. Good catch on the slushy pee. Writing in a constant arctic environment is a unique world building challenge. I often miss these little details. I don't have hard ages on the character. I was aiming around 15-18 for both Lumi and Kang. Cheer

10 General Brandon Discussion 13 Cosmere Theories 14 Mistborn 14 The Reckoners 15 The Rithmatist 17 Writing Excuses 14 Role Playing 20 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 0 Alcatraz 0 Warbreaker 0 17th Shard Discussion 0 Creator's Corner 0 Events and Signings 0 General Discussion

First off, I really like the end of this chapter. It really drives me to want to read the next chapter. I do feel like you are hiding something from the reader throughout the chapter. Primarily what Serena predicted is. Since Hank is thinking about this and where in his head shouldn't we know what it is. While I can't speak on grammar, I assume that Page 2. His co-workers would think him a monster who entering into a deal with someone, something like the..... That you meant it to read like His co-workers would think him a monster for entering into a deal with someone, (dramatic pause) something like the Looking forward to the next one Cheers

Hi All,. Great feedback. Good points one and all. I will keep working on the grammar and punctuation. @Shrike. Good point on the scepter leaving. Thanks for the tip about auto correct. I didn't realize the new MS word adopted that function. @Mandamon. Your right Kang thinking can get kind of "explain". I'll have to work on that. @Kashimir. Thanks for pointing washroom error. The intention was to have Lumi be the reason he doesn't go to the washroom. I'll have to rearrange the movement in that section. @ RDP. I do want to make that conversation end awkwardly. But might have to approach it from a different angle, something like Kang accidently insulting her. I'll think on it. I might be able to trim up the start a little but the eavesdropping needs to stay. Thanks again for reading and I am glad you enjoyed the action sequence.

5 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 12 Events and Signings 13 Cosmere Theories 12 Mistborn 11 The Reckoners 14 The Rithmatist 11 Writing Excuses 11 General Discussion 8 Creator's Corner 12 Role Playing 20 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 0 Alcatraz 0 Warbreaker

Hi All, Here is a place to post all your feedback. I was listening to a writing excuses the other day and they were talking about promises. As this is the end of the beginning to my stories I was wonder if you wouldn't mind commenting (in addition to your awesome feedback) on what promises you feel I have made to you for this story. Other then missing words and bad grammar . Cheers.

9 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 12 Events and Signings 12 Cosmere Theories 14 Mistborn 3 Warbreaker 11 The Reckoners 13 The Rithmatist 8 Alcatraz 10 Writing Excuses 17 Reading Excuses 11 General Discussion 11 Creator's Corner 11 Role Playing 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul

9 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 14 Events and Signings 12 Cosmere Theories 16 Mistborn 6 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 7 Warbreaker 10 The Reckoners 13 The Rithmatist 8 Alcatraz 10 Writing Excuses 13 Reading Excuses 11 General Discussion 10 Creator's Corner 11 Role Playing 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion

I would like to submit as well if there is room

Thanks for reading Robinki. I am, glad you enjoyed it despite the grammar. English is my first language. I did feel rushed although I'm not sure why, as I have no plans for publication in the near future. At the moment I am just trying to write a "ripping yarn". I really want to keep a "Magic" scene there but I do no what you mean about it being very upfront. I'll think on it and see if I can prune it back in the next draft. As for my total word written (just speculative fiction since finishing high school) about a total of 40,000 words (~ 25,000 of a Novel before abandoning 5 years ago, and ~5,000 words of different beginning for the current story and I am 10,000 word in this novella so far.)

Thanks for suffering through the poor grammar Mandamon. I will defiantly keep an eye out for the errors you mentioned. First person present if weird for me as well. The first and third scenes were originally written in past tense. Initially when I switched to the present tense I would often find my self drifting back into past tense when writing (still do sometimes). One of the main reasons I decided to write in first person present is I accidently world built my self into it. Only ~ 1% of the population is literate. The rest of the population uses magic to communicate via storing and transferring memories. I tried to hint at this in the Lorekeepers note at the beginning. I am a little worried that you don't have a feel for the character yet, as this is planned to be a ~30K novella, and submission 1 ends at roughly the 15% mark. If you don't get a good feel for them by the end of submission 2 I might have to make Kanagalak and his father rescue a puppy in the first scene . Cheers

At the end of this chapter I am beginning to feel the tension in the story ease off as both Chapter 2 and 3 are kind of breather chapters to me. However a this point I don't see it as a problem as the chapters are short, which means even though the tension is loosing I'm likely to read the next one. (this might be what your aiming to do with these chapter anyway). I do like the character interaction in between Stephanie and Jason. Based on Stephanie comment I am left wondering if Westerna even knows Dracula is gone? ------------------ Page 3. He enough to handle as it stood. Should this be: He had enough to handle as it stood or He was hard enough to handle as it stood. Page 3. But necessarily bizarre Missing word? : not Page 4. She started spouting off hellfire and damnation and her and her father, claiming.... Did you mean at or to Till the next chapter Cheers

I am really curious to find out what kind of monster Evelyn when you mention the white streak in her veins and hair(I'm not big on supernatural monsters so I could have missed a big hint here or in the name but my curiosity is piqued). Page 4. "I don't think i'll ever get back what that ma..." I think this needs to be the unless Redfield had multiple masters. Like Mandamon I am confused who Westerna at this point. I had thought it to be the Hunters but the last paragraph muddles this. If Westerns is the Hunters, how would Bannister know about the bounty. in there pervious scene the only reference to Redfield was in Stephanie thoughts. I doubt Bannister would stopped for a cup of tea for Jason during the scene break. (I might be over analyzing this point) I still am enjoying the story though.

Thanks for the feed back so far. I do want the pace to feel fast but not rushed so ill have to work on that. Spelling and grammar have always been my bane. ill have to try a different method of reviewing, as my brain goes to autopilot every time I read something I've written and I get the full intended sentence rather then what I had written. Has anyone had luck reading out load to catch missing words and mistakes.

Now I did like the banter in the car. It made me smile while reading and also lighted the mood somewhat. I agree with Robinski that the Abrams movie make the team look a little amateurish, but I think it work as your trying to paint Holmwood as an amateur (you are right?) Now I may be new but I disagree with Robinski on the treat of a cane. Someone trained in stickfighting would be a threat and could probably crush your windpipe before you can rush them if they have a sturdy stick your throat. Also you would have to imagine that the vampire hunters would be wary of supernaturals and thus it would make the threat of a stick more deadly. On page 6 when listing the peoples expertise, you mention Sonya full name, rather then either just a first name like Alberto, or Jason, or just a last name like Roxton. This felt weird to me. Page 7: the bad news was her team was still a man short with Holmwood are guard duty Did you mean on Page 8 : The misshapen thing before them was not ape as.... I think your missing a word here. Page 8. ...before he bounded onto a nearby platform raised to the ground Did you mean from Page 9. Jason could read the disappointment in her eyes. We are in Stephanie viewpoint, how can we know what Jason thinks? Page 10. The man twisted around, sidestepping Jason completely, while a blow from his cane disarmed him I think you need to tweak this slightly as it sounds like the man is disarming himself or rather Jason is disarming the man. Page 10. ....glass exploding in the shards interrupted.... Did you mean into I'll be reading more for sure

Alright, I know I am late but here are my thoughts. First tings first. I like it. I notice a few inconsistency but those have been covered by others. The one thing I did not see mentions was how can the sub have guidance systems when you destroyed most systems with the orb. Also, I found that I was jarred out of the story a few times when you described additional features of the Sub later into the story. From your initial description I had created an image of a barren metal tube with maybe a few lights, basically its was notable for being featureless. So when the wiring exploded in sparks I was like what wiring. The next thing for me was the windows and door. Now I am not an expert on subs, but every movie I have seen, a sub rarely has a window, there structural weak points (only scientific subs do) and they never have doors. They have hatches. Since I do not associate these features with a submarine I felt thrown right out of the story when they appeared in it. But other then that I am definitely interested to see what happens next.

Here is a place to post you comments and feedback. Cheers

If it is alright I would like to turn in the first submission of my story.

I do listen to writing excuses and sometimes make notes, but I have yet to do any of the exercises or writing prompts yet. I have also watched Sanderson's 2014 lectures on YouTube which were really helpful. At the moment I have ~8500 word written in extremely rough draft of which I would say 1500 is ready to be read at this point. So i should be able to submit something this week. Cheers

Hello All, My name is Bryan, and I am new to reading excuses and the forum as of last Sunday, although I have stumbled upon in a few time in the past. I am a geologist up in Canada. About 5-6 years ago when I really started reading more fantasy novels outside of D&D campaign settings, I began creating my own Fantasy world. In this fantasy world these random parts of stories beginnings would happen when I had a moment or two to relax, but unfortunately I would never get to the ending of these stories. So I decided to try and write one out and get to the end. I only got a short way into my novel before life, university, and several irreplaceable hard drive corruptions derailed me and I lot my writing momentum and fell victim to world builder disease. So now after stumbling on Writing Excuses and spending six months trying to work up the initiative to write, I have begun work on what will hopefully be a fantasy novella. I am a big fan of Fantasy with one of my favorite novels being Bloodsong by Anthony Ryan, and someone who only discover Sanderson's works 2 years ago (although i've read all but Warbreakers now). Cheers

Hey ccstat. thank you for you thoughts The ODing at the end was a part of the original outline because it is awesome. I was gonna have it closer to the 2/3-3/4 quarters mark and then the hero uses his new powers to save they day, but it was feeling very Dux ex machina to me. Also In my mind I can't see someone who recently OD being able to use much of there abilities, its more likely they would just turn feral for a time. Finally if I wanted to write additional stories about the character I would be primarily writing the shapeshifting magic system in the stories. As for your question Q: Can shapeshifter still use potions; A: yes and no. They become allergic to potions they do not share a common blood essence with. Q: What does the blood of shapeshifters do? A: I have no idea It had not occurred to me to think on it. I know the mutant animal/human creature are just like animals in this respect.

Brent Week's the Lightbringer book's have a "hard" magic system and its super cool. Each person draws in a specific colour of light, and they need to be see that colour to draw it in, then they can create Luxin. Each type of luxin has a unique mass texture smell, and thus some are better suited to making different things.

@VindicationKnight Here are the answers to your questions. Keep in mind this is a working system so thing might change Q:How are the potions made? A: I envision the potions being made up of several components: A source + a blueprint +/- an attribute key. Bound together in a way yet determined. The source what generates the magic, it could be animal blood, however the longer, it is left to air the more magic evaporates from it thus good is only viable when you have immediate consumption. Most potions use a magical infused variant of ice, which is only found in the glacier in the story's kingdom (hence why they continue to live there and don't just leave). The blueprint is what defines how potent the attribute can be. This is always a type of blood, although any blood can be used for any potion, but some are not well suited to cert in potions. An example would be that a potion made from the blood of a bear will impart more strength then the same potion made with the blood of a hare. The attribute key is what deferments which attribute is taken and this is an optional component. As each animal has a key attribute to it which (some are unique, other are not). If this component is not included then the potion defaults to the key attribute of the blood used. The attribute key ingredient is an animal part symbolically linked to that animals key attribute. I realize that makes probably made no sense so here is an example. I wanna make a night vision potion. I could use the magic ice + the blood of a owl. Alternatively I could use the magic ice + the blood of a bear + the eyes of an owl. I could be wrong on how good a bears night vision is bur the second potion will not be as good as the first. Q: What attributes can they grant? A: I do not have a firm list but here are some things: Strength, vitality, all 5 senses + other senses like heat vision, body heat (very impotant in a cold climate setting), lung capacity (underwater breathing), camouflage (like chameleons, this being very rare in the north). I am unsure on flight at this point in time, although I do lean toward weightlessness. Q:Using multiple potions? A: if they impart the same attribute they are added. If they are different attribute and then it depends on the precisions skill. If he is not skilled the cause a debilitating sickness. Q:what does human blood do? A: Ah human blood has 2 primary attributes; memories and ill call it will. This means a human potion can be used to either store and transfer knowledge (hence the absence of a written language) or to inflict your will upon the consumer. The later as you would imagine is highly illegal to do to another human. Hope that answer your questions Cheers