Kammererite

Thanks so much for reading Kasia and Robinski. And thanks for the line by lines they will be a big help. I currently (have been all week) out east getting set up for a move, but i will reply to the comments in more full next week (and get critiquing again). I already have a few things in mind for some changes that i will make to keep the tension higher. Cheers.

Here is a place for your comments. All comments and feedback are welcome; however i have one point i would like input on in particular. Does the Tavern scene feel to contrived and/or coincidental? Cheers and thanks for reading.

I too would like to submit this upcoming Monday.

Very cool world building. I think there are real world issues with rock spires exciting in a vast ocean not only in formation but in stability. The engineering you described above for the shell city's doesn't seam reasonable to me. assuming the building material is denser then water it would sink to the bottom of the ocean and that should be a considerable depth that they cant use it for foundation (same with the ceramic rod foundation). Also sub oceanic currents would wash away lots of the material. However as this is a fantasy i am able to look pass this and let it go with a hand wave. World-ocean: This sound very Sci fi to me and tells me they have explore the entire world. Titles: I think you have to many titles to quick and with to little description. I have a fairly good memory but i had trouble keeping track of the different titles and which people they refer too. -Does the conversation flow naturally? As mentioned by other the magic system convo while informative, was very info dumpy and seamed forced. I the conversation with her prospective mentor and boss flowed well. -Is there too much/too little description? I think you over described the opening but once on the spire i think it was the right amount. Overall: I enjoyed it. Cool world concepts with what seems like an simple yet deep magic system. I like the mystery component although i wish there was a bigger hook.

Thanks for reading Krystalynn. I'm Glad to know the little tidbits worked for you. Thanks again for the awesome feedback and the encouragement.

Thanks for reading and the great feedback once again. Thanks again for all the great feedback. The good thing is at least Kang isn't constantly thinking what he is doing in this story.

Thanks for reading Neongray, and making it to the end. Thanks for reading as well EoTFP

Interesting set up. - I see your comment on it above but patrician really stood for me as a "what are they ?" question when reading. -I like the "magic system" and the personification of curses. -I was a little confused on the setting of these scene. i think were underground but its unclear. I am also unsure if this is a more traditional fantasy or modern fantasy tech level as graffiti instantly make me think urban. - Who is sen hamulus i thought they were summoning Carsus Matrax

Starting the first line with a pronoun rather then the pov's name is awkward for me. I felt like you spent to much time telling me how poor they where on the first pages. i liked how you showed the poverty with the flowers after that which was very nicely done and could have stood without the lead up. The temple was over described for me and i found myself skimming until she entered the inner sanctum. On page 9 there is a small blocking issue for me. The priest escorting her becomes a priestess or does he depart after she reaches the alter and a priestess comes along later Intriguing end that had me wanting to find out what the priestess wants and why she is so interested in Lasila.

Thanks for reading. some comment on your comments. Thanks for all the great feedback, and advice. Cheers

Hi all, Here is a place for your comments. Grammar warning again. Hopefully its better then the last, but I swear every time I edit it gets worse. All comments welcome as always. Thanks for reading in advance.

Great opening line. I enjoyed the world building in the story although i wish it were a little more focus on why the family was so poor which was a big question for me rather then the other world building. Something in Lasila and her brothers conversation felt off to me but i am not really sure what. I think it might be how all of a sudden she's acting so much younger and complaining about everything compared to how mature she acted earlier in the submission. That said i do like the conflict you are introducing in this dialogue for going forward. I didn't have a problem picking up the transition from her brother to his name. Good ending.

Canada actually

I'll toss my hat in as well

I enjoyed reading this submission. There was some nice worldbuilding and character development. Pascal: It is probably weekly reader syndrome but i thought Pascal was dead. Her appearance really threw me for a loop. Centre of middle America: This is a very vague description to me. I assume you me the centre of middle US (also i could have swore earlier you said Araum was in the north.) but it can also because middle America might refer to Central America. Fifteen shares on the pings on page 6. I think there is a slight blocking issue here as he never looks at his pings with his fifteen shares displayed. Plus why would it display his daily rate not his total account. Kabob: How did Pascal know he bought a kabob. If she say this then she would have seen the prostitute corner him. "We fight the rex..": This line felt like it came from nowhere and was very jarring to me. i went back to see if i missed something but couldn't make sense of it. Great ending. Look forward to the next.

Thanks for reading Spieles and all the great feedback.

Thanks for reading and the feedback Robinski. Will work some more on finding an editing process that works for me.

I will second Robinskis point about the shifting POV's I found this very disorienting. I think for the most part you are in Child's POV which i enjoyed but you occasionally pop in to the hunters POV (during action sequences) or in one case i notice the chimeras. I now Incisors are teeth but i don't know which teeth and i don't think there pointy so this doesn't come off as scary to me like a mouth full of canines would. How does the hunter know how to use Child power. its very different then hers and he seams to master it like its nothing two it which seams broken to me. I like this gathering the best hero premise/plot I was a little sad there was not dragonling description. Overall, there was some good dialogue some, very cool world-building concepts and I like the plot direction at this point in time.

Thanks for reading RDP. Great grammer catches!

Thanks for Reading and commenting EagleoftheForestPath.

Thanks for reading Kasia and Krystalynn! All of your feedback is very helpful. Below are some comments on your awesome comments. Thanks again for reading!

Hi All, This is the first part of a fantasy novelette I wrote. It is meant to be stand alone; however it uses the same characters and world from my Novella Essence of Fire. This story is also a reboot of something I submitted near the start of the year. So if you read that try and forget it as this is the new beginning. All comment are welcome, However my major question/concern is the pacing and weather the beginning is interesting to keep you reading. G*: i am really bad at editing so i’ll putt a grammer warning on this

I thought this was an intriguing opening. It definitely raised one big question for me, which is what did the seer say that would cause the queen to kill her children and all her attendants. That said I'm not sold on the story, but then agaoiin i dont know what it is yet so i definitely would want to read chapter 1. -I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you? As Robinski was pointing out above, i am one of the people who don't take the time to properly pronounce names. I just roughly memorize the word and fit my own pronunciation two it, however i do think it fits better. -Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage? (This is his POV chapter) If this is his only chapter then i would say for me he was. I though it conveyed the information from the excerpts in a much more coherent and readable fashion.

I enjoyed this chapter, the pace was great and the action good and the revel even though i saw it coming was satisfying. The only detriment was that at a few points the blocking got a little unclear (I've commented on those below) Looking forward to reading more. Claire: Where was Claire? She was so big earlier that i was shocked her name wasn't mentiond. Number of Brides: First of this information should come closer to when Calgary and Oz enter the room. it just felt appended. Now assuming the six brides doesn't count Hayden and Penton, we have three going of to the Magnetars on there own. Then one front, one back, Hayden in the centre. So six including Hayden. Now when they are loading the Magnetar we have two brides getting in with Hayden...so there cant be any with Oz and Penton left unless i missed something. Hayden: I found it odd that Calgary called Hayden out by name, it felt jarring. Does he know her? Plan: Why aren't they all going to the Magnetars together. Are the other sweeping the building for survivors if so say so. if not why are they splitting up. A sentence more here would really help me understand what is happening. Tense Slips: you slipped to past tense i think, on page 6 "...Calgary's two shots take out..." Magnetar: After they exit the canteen is the first Magnetar already there waiting for them, was it parked there or did one of the other brides bring it around. ...the air around us heats...: read awkwardly to me. I think: after the first one they others statements didn't flow well. Last Paragraph: i think you could cut this and the ending would have been stronger for me.