Kammererite

First off, i really enjoyed the story. and the amount of information for me worked although i was interested enough that i wanted to know more, especially the relationship between TrF and the organ stealer. I really like the style and the use of italics for the NEU, i thought it was really cool. I did get lost/confused a few times during the action sequence, but I think a simple revision with a few more words would clear it up. page 16. The lift doors are open, butting into the overturned . This confused me a little. I think if you add the word "stuck" i would have understood it better Page 19 I draw a bead on the first, but my Glock is silenb... I didn't realize till later in the story his glock was linked to the NEU, so this confused me. Page 20. Fire-fighting Makes me think there fighting a fire not shooting. Funny enough fire-fight works for shooting just fine. Page 20 ...the car door popping. What car door. I thought it was a helicopter Danton. When the action starts to pick up you only call Marie "Danton",when in the first three quarters you use her first name. This utterly confused me because i had no idea who this Danton was ( i had an inkling it was Marie but i felt like i missed something) and I had to back track and find out it was Maries last name. Traffic Sign for armour. I don't think that would work at all, but now that I think of it if you were trying to show metal deterioration then it is a good job. Bullet spinning someone. This is cool, but i do not think Bullets actual transmit enough momentum to do that. Then again i have never been shot so i can be wrong. All and all a great read.

First off, i love the tittle. I liked what i read and am interested to see where the story is going Magic: There is alot slivered in but I am still a little confused about why he couldn't deflect the bullet but can move people. That said i think its cool and like what you are doing with it. Homeworlds: I understand how they travel between them, but am a little lost on how they colonized the ten homeworlds, i assume its something to do with lost technology. Wasting Spice: I thought the food was overcooked not overspiced Letting the composition of the shield: I didn't think he made the shield. In response to the gun vs .rocket: This didn't bother me very much. i can easily see it being possible with the magical assistance you are providing. The basics of rockets very similar to firearms when you think about it. I don't see the problem with the advent of rockets prior to multi shot weaponry given the world has sufficient magic and metallurgy. I am no military historian in a world of one shot weapons, a sword is a great weapon, you never have to reload. Houses: initially I was confused but very quickly realized they are magical domains.

Thank you for reading. Ending: good point. I will think on this. Knights: I think that i need to change this words throughout my story as its primary meaning is a warrior, rather then a social standing and it gives the wrong impression. In my world knight is more in line with the current embodiment of knighthood in the 21st century. Characterization: Noted and is something I will try to improve upon. I really need to solve Lumi's Multiple character disorder as i cannot seem to get a grasp on her character. Setting reminders: Will keep an eye out for this. Druid threat: would it help if i slipped in the fact that this is only one cell/brood of warlocks part of a larger group working together? Side stepping Varrik: Opps. I kinda want him to live for another story but he isn't really important. would it be more believable if Kang just lit him a fire as he steps around him and left him burning as he advances on Lumi. Earlier in one of your other critiques you mentioned you were worried that Lumi might fall it the helpless Damsel in distress stereotype. Was i able to avoid this stereotype/trope sufficiently?

I really enjoyed reading this. I didn't mind the pace and would definitely keep reading. I like the dialogue and the Celtic theme, i often found my self doing awful Irish accents in my head when reading the characters. Minor thing, for most of the story i was under the impression that Connor was a singer. on page 11, Emer came to his mothers house.... I was really confused by the his, thinking it referred to Emer, because you had a seen brake above. So how is it that there quarry already 3 days ahead of them. The timing on this seams off, there quarry should not be more then a day, day and a half ahead of them, and that if they are travelling at the same pace they are?

Thanks RDP. Yes he is the owl-Neetut. Ill add a reminder in now and again. -Good point about present tense, i think this is also a first person issue. i all ready cut back on the action of Lumi, ( i want to show her being kick chull but in first person present i can't justify kang just sitting there and watching her kill things) -Thanks!! -Good to know. I'll have to think ion the Kang Lumi connection at the end as i need them to be estranged/distant at the start of the next novella i wrote. -I have no idea where to put another 10k to be honest, maybe buff up the descriptions throughout the story. Thanks again for reading.

Hi all, Due to computer issues i didn't not think I would get to submit this but here it is, the final submission for my of Essence of Fire Story. As always all comments and feedback are welcome, but i also have a few specific ending questions. 1) Was the ending to Dues ex Machina? 2) Did i miss resolving anything you wanted to see resolved? Also if you have any capstone story comment on the story as a whole please let me know. Thanks in advance.

Robinski it was a complete computer lock out. the computer would not even power up, yet i know the battery was full. In fact the charger did not even recognize the computer was plugged in. Mandamon: that is brilliant. I will have to set this up for the future. On the bright side, in what i am dubbing a Christmas miracle after 5 hours of playing around leaving it on the charger, i got my computer to start up again and i got the file back. Yay!!!

So I won't be submitting to day. My computor died an hour ago with my file during an edit pass. Unfortunately I was not very diligent on my back ups so I am back to file that is half way to draft 2. I'll send the file tommorow if tech support can recover it. If not who knows.

Sorry It double posted

Page 3 black opal stone: go with gemstone or drop the word "stone" all together. Page 6. I doubt the main character thinks of himself as homicidal The Lowens: Contradictory. in chapter 1 the MC says he has only 2 kills under his belt, now he has more. Daryl's attack: How did Daryl get there so fast. I thought he couldn't run. Knife: Where did the knife come from? Knife Wound: I might have this mistaken but i don't think blood gushes from the wound until you remove the blade. Wow. I'm officially scared for this family. Like the others there is no way i can like the MC. I think his crazy/evil level is fine, but i believe Daryl is way to accepting of his brothers murderous ways which i think is more disturbing. I think Robinski and Madnamon hit the idea on the nose that his evilness is irrelevent, its how the other react to him is that is the key. I like the Lucifer aspect and hope he keeps appearing in the story.

Are everyone's actions believable? If the main character is mentally unstable then i would say yes. Do you normally like slasher fiction? This is my first one Odd question, but is it too unnecessarily violent/bloody No, i do not think so. but that's a personal choice. Overall i liked it and am going to read the next submission right away. I like the Lucifer element. I take it the main character has a history of hallucination based on how easily he except Lucifer presence. Decimated: Great word, and conveys a nice specific image. Didn't he just pee before getting the ammonia? Interested to see where this goes to.

What happened to the ham he smelled for breakfast? Pages 2-3. The pipe smoking jarred me a little. He just lit the pipe and then it was already out. At the end of the first sequence on page 4. Several things happen here but there is no physical movement by the character which threw me out of the story. If the father is outside by the river; How does he hear his sons awake? did he make a sound? and second when does the dad get back to the tent to tousles his sons hair and hug him. The small time paragraphs between the sequences really disoriented me. I had to go back and re-read sections to try and orient myself when ever there was a scene break. The pace really picked up once the father shows up in the dream and I was enthralled. That said I did not find the beginning slow. Unfortunately the twist flew over my head and because of that i felt left wanting and a little confuse. This might just be my dense reader syndrome. (I never figure out plot twist ahead of time when i read novels.) Over all, i enjoyed reading the story despite missing the twist, and once i read the comments and earned that about the twist, i though it was really cool idea.

Ditto. On another note, while i know it is extremely early, i would like to put my name forwards for my final submission of Essence of Fire for Next week.

Good tension through the action. Pistol:. I don't know a lot about guns but a pistol seems a poor choice for defending in an assault with a strong room. Given Renfield military background i would think he would take an assault rifle. Banter: I do like your banter but i agree with Shrike that your characters personalities are starting to blend together. On page 17. The pistol erupted. Seconds later, the man... This would be a second tops, given the proximity and the velocity of a bullet. As other mentioned the action got confusing and could use some more description to make it easier to follow. Then end was great. Still really enjoying this.

Overall i thought the pace was good and the action pulled me through. The humour/banter was what i enjoyed the most about these chapter. I thought Evelyn and co. would have arrived sooner as well. The conflict between Sohpie and Renfield was tense. As mentioned by those above, the chosen backed of pretty easily. Why would they be guarding this scroll to begin with if they were just going to leave at the first sign of trouble. Also why would they be guarding the scroll in a public place if they don't need it. Evelyn flips position rather easily fro destroying the scroll and then preserving it.

Another set of good character driven chapters. I don't have much to add on everyone else comments. Page 13. I think you mean propose not marry. I am unclear as to why they waited for night. Was Rewer scouting..if so he did a poor job. Awesome LARPing. Okay this speculation is rooted in information from the next chapters but i suspect the buyer is Rewer or working for him. The end pulled me right into the next submission

I enjoyed the chapters. Nice characterization starting on Evelyn. and more on the Renfeild-Stephanie dynamic. I was pulled quickly through these chapters. It was nice to see Jason back. The alternate history involving the monsters is very interesting, i like the odd tidbits your dropping. Supper Nit picky. The tea in chapter 26 boiled very fast and there wasn't much of an indication of a time lapse occurring. On page 6. who is analysing the tape? i might have missed somthing.

Overall I enjoyed this submission. I liked getting the information on the scholomance and on the council and i though it was handled well. That said it didnt occur to me till someone above me mentioned it but i think it would be more plasuable for Renfield to know more of the facts already although Rewer would certainly have better speculation on what is more legend and vague history then Renfield would. There seams to be a line of dialogue from Renfeild missing on the first page between the last two paragraphs. Renfield running: This might just be me missing something.This isn't the first time Bannister mentions this but when did Renfeild actually run and when did bannister inform the council . I know Renfeild was planning on running but he never actually did because banister caught up with him and wolfed out. Also why is this such a deal? Banister makes it seam like Renfeld is on parole or something earlier, but i never got that impression. Awesome revel about Van Helsing. Page 10- “Surgery scars . . . that can be. Frankenstein only made one monster. The other was . . . destroyed?” These sentences contradicts each other.Their can't be an other if their was only one.

Thanks for the feedback Robinski. I am glad the action pulled you through. As for the Ralik talking, I was trying to characterize him quickly. Might need to cut back the info and just have him mutter small dialogue lines of no story purpose. The idea was Ralik was to distracted to notice kang period...but I might have to steel the toying thing, if your okay with it as its awsome. As for the choice, I will think on that. Spirit blessed...oops might of got a little carried away with an impromptu idea. Glad the coal scene worked. Face ripping: I might have gone a little to far And RDP I do not think I am set up for those twists. Thanks again guys

If our end goal is to have you impersonate the oldman. Maybe you over herd some soldiers or skaa talking about his mannerisms. That could help you with mimicking him later.

Thanks for reading, Both of you make a great point about the amount of conversation when running. This being my first story and discovery writing the antagonists, i got to a point just before this scene and was like why are they doing this...and is anyone else wondering this, so i wrote it in. I can understand how that removes the tension of the scenes so let me ask you: Would it work better if i were to remove the conversation about the warlocks motivation and place it in the Denouement or do you think this information is necessary at all? Also did you find the information on how they escaped necessary or could you have done with out it? @Shrike- great point about the village, i'll add more description. I am glad you both liked the twist. Thanks again!

Hi all. This is hopefully the second last installment of my story, All feedback is welcome. Thanks in advance

So I am not intending to be rude or anything but i was just wondering what's is currently impeding us from progressing, as it might be a communication breakdown or a misread post. If its your busy in real life then i completely understand and retract my comment...just curious.

i would also like to submit another submission of Essence of Fire

I guess i will take first blood on this submission. Overall: I found the tension to be nice in the fight and i thought the characters are progressing i like the reveals about Dyllis and Covelles reactions to them. Fight: while the action was good in this section some of the sentences felt clunker to me. I tried to pull out the parts that felt clunky to me. Any grammar suggestions take with a grain of salt. Page 80- .... Covelle was up and backing over assorted linens, waving a knife in the harbourmaster’s face, relieved at the Dyllis’s quick reaction. --Personal opinion but I felt like this information was out of place and should have been closer to the start of the sentence. Page 81- Covelle, not stopping, relied on his sense of direction to .... --the placement of the violet words throws me out of my rythem. Page 81- Covelle thrust a knife at the midriff of his opponent , but the man parried it in a blur. His other fist came over Covelle’s guard and... --Missing word i think plus the second "his" make me think it Covelle still acting until i read his name as the target. Page 83- ...them and Covelle fended him off. --I think this sentence is a great place to expand if you wanted to. I asked my self what happened to the guy a few sentence later. Page 84- ...the flames crawled up onto the bed, soon rising towards the ceiling. --Personally i think the sentence flows better with out soon. Page 84 - The first man pushed past him and started up, water slopping out of his bucket as Covelle’s boots hit the cobbles. --I feel the actions are taken out of order in this sentence even though they are simultaneous. Page 85- None of the boats was new,... --Were? Page 86- The town rose above it , its tall quayside buildings, and beyond them houses.... --I do not know what either it is refering to in this sentence. I want to say the first one is referring to the pier, and the second the town? Page 86- After the madness of combat, the fire, the crowd, the wide expanse of water was peaceful. -- i think you need an "and" between fire and crowd. Page 86 - sandbanks reflecting the blue sky... --just curious but do sand banks reflect the colour of the sky? Also there are a few times where in my opinion you used pronouns when the use of a proper noun would have made it flow better. Back to story points Dyllis being ignored in fight- minor issue but why are they not all attacking her Covelle is dazed. who would you be more worried about people with knifes or the girl who used forbidden magic to melt your friend. Covelle thinking about helping the kingsmen even for a second - i do not think this idea would even cross Covelle mind. Influence power. I knew it! Was so happy i was right. Dessel: this felt a little thin as sole evidence to make a connection on given the information you provide. Surely others could grow the herb. Toe: i don't believe Dyllis used the toe for this. This could be weekly reader syndrome but i will explain my logic. 1) her foot wound was to fresh. and does not align with the story. The wound should be over a week old (removed before she was searching for Covelle). 2) If she has all her other toes then how did they discover her ability of influence or test it if it requires such a big piece of her. that being said if she can influence people to different degrees with different amounts of catalysts then i am willing to concede this point. As a note i get the feeling that Covelle is the protagonist at this point in time as most of the POV has been him. Looking forward to the next. Cheers